Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting. How???  (Read 2885 times)

Offline Helpingme!

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #80 on: January 11, 2019, 06:30:07 AM »
Thank you for posting another update. It not only gives hope, but it is helping for ones in the future that reach where y'all are at.
Now it should be easier for you both to grow together Acorn. No more following the lead, yall will be working together. 

Have a wonderful weekend Acorn

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #81 on: January 11, 2019, 06:40:29 AM »
Great Job Acorn.  There will always be times where you are lucky enough to both open up at the same time...be vulnerable at the same time...and listen at the same time.  When those happen...huge distances can be crossed and so much info can be gathered.  You will continue to find so much of your husbands actions/inaction are based in fear.  Fear of his own thinking, fear of your response, fear that what he says or does will bring back bad memories, or most of all...fear that what they have done is just not forgivable.  My wife suffered from that for years.  It really wasn't until the last year that I can see her truly forgiving herself and letting it go.  It was honestly like a physical weight lifted from her.  She found that healing and forgiveness in our faith as well.  She continues to find great strength and peace in it.

Just keep plugging along.  Now you both have some new dynamics for you to both incorporate into your new world.  I am also so happy he started that for your kids.  That is such a tough bridge to cross...and my wife said it was so hard because she felt for so long she had to find a way to try and explain & apologize for the depth of what she had done and couldn't find the way...so she just didn't.  For her it was something as small as baking them their favorite desserts...watching a movie...etc.  It just started small...with small actions and small "reach outs"...and each time she found that their wasn't some huge "judgement bomb" dropped she found herself sneaking out & reaching out more.  (SOUND FAMILIAR?)

Stay Strong Acorn...you are doing great!

BB 

First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #82 on: January 11, 2019, 06:50:55 AM »


 I’m scared of being rejected by you.  Sometimes you are very positive and friendly toward me but other times you are aloof and silent.  I’m delighted inside when you interact with me with cheer.  I’m sad when you are remote from me. (I had NO idea!)


I just wanted to highlight this as it is what you have thought was the key to the progress all along. I'm not going to say it isn't necessary sometimes. But I also think a bit of being vulnerable and expressing our true feelings for them doesn't hurt either. They say do the opposite of what we did all along. I'll give you an example  My H always liked being chased, and hated being the chaser. If my true H is in there somewhere, then I really think I can't attract him back without that chase. Does that make sense? Yes, he might reject it too sometimes and run away, but that's the MLCer inside him running, not the man I want. So it really doesn't matter if I strike out sometimes as long as I am giving him confidence when he is receptive to it.

I found this to be very true GIG. 

I think we fear being vulnerable in any way after the nightmare we endured.  I also think our minds as a response to that expect some great penance to be paid before we are willing to be vulnerable again.  Our fear is just amplified.

But what I found was that as I got stronger...as I was able to separate her actions & MLC...that I was able to forgive the person easier.  The actions were still reprehensible...but as I understood better why things were happening and that they were happening to both of us.  But in that new strength & knowledge came the ability to reach out and be vulnerable at times...and to do it with no fear.  Because if it wasn't met well...I was able to brush off the attempt and let the failure go easier and easier each time.  I could be vulnerable without being SO vulnerable if that makes sense. 

Good observation GIG.

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline serenity

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #83 on: January 11, 2019, 10:01:35 AM »
BB

can I just ask you ...

Did your wife show no remorse or apologise at first when she was reconnecting? Did that come gradually or was it just a huge awakening to what she’d done?

Sorry I realise you’ve probably already posted about this already?

Sorry for the hijack Acorn

X

Offline serenity

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #84 on: January 11, 2019, 10:22:52 AM »
Thank you again Acorn for your honesty. It brought tears to my eyes

I suppose it’s what most LBS dream of

Wishing you both every happiness

Hugs

X

Offline AleB

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #85 on: January 11, 2019, 01:48:46 PM »
Dear Acorn, I am so so happy for you, I am following your story and many of your advices and insights! Thank you!

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #86 on: January 11, 2019, 02:04:21 PM »
Just to clarify, BBhelp.  The following was what H said to me, not the other way around. 

Quote
I’m scared of being rejected by you.  Sometimes you are very positive and friendly toward me but other times you are aloof and silent.  I’m delighted inside when you interact with me with cheer.  I’m sad when you are remote from me.

H has only been feeling this way since he started reconnecting.  I have become important to him.  Before then he didn’t really give much notice to my existence. 

If I had always maintained a high level of positivity and friendliness toward him, what’s there for him to miss?  I’m in a way glad that I appeared aloof and silent with him at times and that made him miss my warm interactions with him.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2019, 02:27:54 PM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #87 on: January 11, 2019, 02:28:49 PM »
Thank you, Helping, BBhelp, Serenity and AleB, for your encouraging words!
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #88 on: January 11, 2019, 03:22:50 PM »
BB

can I just ask you ...

Did your wife show no remorse or apologise at first when she was reconnecting? Did that come gradually or was it just a huge awakening to what she’d done?

Sorry I realise you’ve probably already posted about this already?

Sorry for the hijack Acorn

X

She said the words...but there was nothing behind it.  I knew she was sorry...but I didn't FEEL like she was sorry until I worked out all of my stuff.  She said it again and really meant it later...but by then I didn't need to hear it anymore...because  I KNEW she was.   
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #89 on: January 11, 2019, 03:32:59 PM »
Thank you for the latest update, Acorn.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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