Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting. How???  (Read 2886 times)

Offline AcornTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #90 on: January 11, 2019, 03:57:05 PM »
Great Job Acorn.  There will always be times where you are lucky enough to both open up at the same time...be vulnerable at the same time...and listen at the same time.  When those happen...huge distances can be crossed and so much info can be gathered.    

You have described exactly what happened with us after the R talk.

You will continue to find so much of your husbands actions/inaction are based in fear.  Fear of his own thinking, fear of your response, fear that what he says or does will bring back bad memories, or most of all...fear that what they have done is just not forgivable. 

It’s as though you were in the back seat of our car listening to our monumental R talk.  FEAR is not something I even considered before that talk.  Now I’m very much aware of it.   Thanks for putting your finger on it and spelling it out.

It just started small...with small actions and small "reach outs"...and each time she found that their wasn't some huge "judgement bomb" dropped she found herself sneaking out & reaching out more.  (SOUND FAMILIAR?)

It’s as if my H talked to your W regarding reaching out to our kids.  He started doing it with much trepidation and determination.  Very small things first.  Just meeting the kids’ eyes and calling their names and saying hello.  And then convos about sports and politics, their school work. 

You made me realize that he was/is fearful of their rejection.  He told one of his sisters that he really messed up and been a lousy father, and didn’t exactly know how to go about fixing it.  He told her what he has been trying and she validated, praised and encouraged him.  She also told him to approach the kids in humility and not assert his authority as a father.  A wise woman.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Evermore

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #91 on: January 11, 2019, 04:56:50 PM »
These are really lovely developments to read. I’m so happy for you, your H and entire family Acorn. As I’m right at the beginning of this I’m only just realising the knock-on effect this has for the whole family. So it’s wonderful to see your family rallying around and coming back together.
M: 48
H: 50
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'.

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #92 on: January 11, 2019, 05:05:20 PM »
Wow Acorn. This is just amazing! That fear can really paralyze them. And it did for so long. But you were a safe place—kind, understanding and not judgmental. This is where I start to see how important the lbs journey is. Bc if I’m completely honest right now, I’m not so sure I’m at that non-judgmental place just yet. I would be horrible at this conversation. But you handled it with such grace and humility. Not that I am surprised.

I do hope your H finds that forgiveness of himself too. I really think he will, especially since he prays for it. He seems to have the right priorities now. Isn’t that just amazing though? That this is the same person of 3 years ago?

I’m so happy for you Acorn.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #93 on: January 12, 2019, 03:07:58 PM »
Acorn

I have been behind with reading and look what I missed! So good! So happy for you all.

Two things I was going to say:
1) I remember last year you saying you were desperate to have a R talk while you were away somewhere but managed not to as you didn’t think it was the right time. Judged that right didn’t you?! Time indeed was needed.

2) It must seem like the best holiday romance ever! Things will be more real when you get home but can’t imagine much slipping back, or for too long, after this progress.

All smiles here for you!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #94 on: January 12, 2019, 09:17:55 PM »
Ever, KIT and Rose, thank you so much for your interest and happiness at how things are in our situation.  That means a lot to me... :-*

Journaling:

Reconnecting does not seem to describe our present relationship.   I’m not sure what to call it.  Reconciliation?  Rebuilding?  Maybe both?  I guess it doesn’t matter what you call it.   Simply put, we are getting closer to each other by the day and we have turned over a new page.  In fact, if seems we have started a new book, so dramatically  different is our relationship now, compared to even 2 weeks ago.  More importantly, we are on the same page/book where we desire a joyfully married future together.   We are determined to work at rebuilding our marriage, one step at a time as mature adults who have experienced much turmoil and gained better understanding of ourselves and have the same views on what constitutes a good and Godly marriage is. 

I harped on about it before but it is worth saying it again.  We had to be at the matching stage of growth for the tide of our relationship to turn.  We were each responsible for our own individual selves.  I couldn’t do a thing about his inner work, and vice versa.  It is a miracle that we are compatible as far as our personal growth is concerned. 

We are very peaceful when conversing.   We talk frankly about things we have each been internally musing about.  There is no blaming, no taking of the higher moral ground, no bitterness. (I don’t think you go anywhere but South when you blame, etc.)  Just careful listening, aching hearts for the other’s pain, showing our empathy by tightly grasping the other’s hand and saying, ‘I understand.’

For the fun bit:

I told H of my pain that still lingers in my heart when I remember him uttering ‘I love you but...’ and that he should not have married me.  He looked utterly stunned.  A goldfish look.  He said that he cannot recall that and even if he said those words it’s not true at all.  I cried...

I told him that I did feel sad and hopeless when he told me a few days before we left for Down Under that the trip was farcical and so was us living together under the same roof.  He chuckled!  He said that he was in a bad mood after having had a run in with S2.  He asked me please discard those words.   I wonder if he has learned the lesson that our words have a tremendous capacity to hurt or heal.  I think he has...

He told me that all that travelling gave him lots of alone time to think and figure things out.  I had thought the main driving engine of his travelling was escape and avoid.  Apparently, it served the purpose of withdrawl from normal life and facilitated deep thinking.

He also shared with me this morning that he still has some inner work to do will probably do so for the rest of his life.   He is not quitting half way, is he?!  I’m thankful for this. 

The same goes for me.  I have some things to work through.  I am a work in progress and so is he.  That’s the point of life, I guess - always learning and growing.

Have a good weekend, everyone! 
« Last Edit: January 12, 2019, 09:26:13 PM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #95 on: January 12, 2019, 09:46:33 PM »
Acorn, thank you so much for a new post/update.

Think it is still reconnecting which obviously is rebuilding. Maybe is the start or reconciliation. We don't know much about those stages since they are less talked/posted about. That is why your threads and posts, as well as the other reconnecting/reconciled, are so important.


I went a little back on your thread and, if it is OK with you, could you be so kind to further devoloped on this?

We are on the same page at the same time.  I feel (see?) that  H and I have been walking two separate paths for many years and now have met each other at a junction where out paths finally merged and we are looking forward to travelling together on the same path.

I find it very interesting. Mostly because, to me, it remains very confusing how LBS and MLCer can end up on the same page given their so very different journeys. In fact, that is one of the quite complicated things for me. I don't think my journey and Mr J journey will lead us to the same level. He is lacking in so, so many areas and I can't imagine how he is going to catch up.

And now you have said this:
It is a miracle that we are compatible as far as our personal growth is concerned. 

Agree it is a miracle.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #96 on: January 12, 2019, 10:25:22 PM »
Re your question on ‘two paths becoming one’:

LBS’s situation is caused by MLCer.  LBS is at the receiving end of MLC fallout. 
My path at the time of BD was to pull myself up by the bootstraps and survive for the kids.  It gradually morphed into self discovery and growth which included growing my faith, letting go of self righteousness, becoming more patient, self control, striving after humility and understanding, etc.

H’s path was to sort out his identity.  According to what he has been sharing, especially in the last couple of week, his quest to find himself pulled him toward much the same things that I was learning.  Getting closer to God, leaving pride behind and working on humility, respect for other’s feelings and opinions and letting go of judgement of others. 

Mixed in with all that was our sincere common desire to have a joyful family and marriage (with each other and no other person) and serve God faithfully. 

One could say we had the same outlook and this was spoken of a few times while there were some clearing of the fog.  Now this common outlook has been confirmed beyond any doubt through our monumental R talk and many more mini convos since then.  Having written all this down (thanks to you, Anjae!) it is now clear to me that our 2 separate paths were paved with the same kind of stones and it is no wonder we joined up. 

I hope it makes sense.  Please keep your delving questions coming.  It is really helpful for me.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #97 on: January 12, 2019, 10:57:45 PM »
Thank you for replying, Acorn.

Yes, what you wrote made sense.

I think my path took a swing when I had to look after grandmother. Or maybe that was the Universe plan all the way. Somehow, I knew how to do it. The hardest was how exausting it was, not how difficult, since it was not that difficult. Not on a practical level, at least.

I will have to leave God aside for myself and Mr J since we are not religious. Am I more patient? I am. But I am also far less tolerant of things that do not interest me - not that I ever been that tolerant of things that don't interest me. But now I am really selective. Self control I always had. It went out of the windown after BD which was a shock to me. What was I doing? What was I thinking? None of the BD and early post-BD times me was me.

We have no kids. I had to find of way of surviving the mess that come with Mr J's crisis, and that was on-going for many years, including while I was looking after grandmother. Two complicate things do deal with at once, among other things that were happening in the family.

I do not know what is Mr J's path nor the purpose of his crisis. He is still in Replay. He hasn't done anything truly horrible since Autumn 2014, but, other than that, no big change. He is still in his MLC life/world.

So far, his journey is one of clubs, djs, superficiality, drinking, living with someone else, have someone else in his life, etc. It does not seem he is learning anything positive. Maybe he is, but I see nothing of it. Mine had been one of dealing with real serious things.

I see him, and his journey, as frivolous - more than 12 years since he left clubbing, djing, parties, drinking is all there is. Mine was a little frivolous at first, then circunstances made if serious. Mr J never looked after a beloved relative until death. Nor had to deal with a relative cancer, then stroke. He never deal with a spouse MLC, his wife didn't cheat on him.

He never had money issues or had to move back with his family. Nothing in his life since he got involved with OW1 has a thing to do with mine.

I very much doubt he will be equiped to my level. He has no maturity or experience for it. I see him as a man child. The opposite I saw him when we start to date and he was 17, he was mature for a 17 years old and very different from most boys his age.

Of course I do not know how he is going to turn out. For some reason, he is not moving foward much and he seems emotionally were he was years ago. And he is very, very judgemental. At least towards me. Was still being last August. As if, with all he has done, he can be judgemental. Phew!  ::)

There were brief times when Mr J's fog cleared a little, during a phone talk, for example - like a good one we had in 2012, but that was 2012. Whatever little at times seemed an improvement, didn't last and no relevant changes come of it.


Maybe mine and Mr J's path aren't paved with the same kind of stones and the result is not to be getting closer again. I don't mean reconciliation. He has done too many horrendous things, just getting closer.

And yet, yesterday I had a dream. I had went with a band I was working with to an even in a seaside location (don't know what the location is, but it has appeared in several dreams). Mr J showed up later on. Several things connected with the event happened, at a point, we were in a cottage and Mr J said "I want to go home. I want to see you mum and your family". I replied "I also want to go home. We'll go when this (the event) is over". I am not currently working with bands, we both did in the past, but the dream was not in the past.

No idea what the dream means.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Nas

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #98 on: January 13, 2019, 03:56:07 AM »
 Really interesting dream, Anjae.  I never have really had dreams about H  since you left, but in the last month I have had several and they’ve all been very strange.

 Acorn, thanks for sharing your reconnection journey with so much detail. I find it so fascinating that he can’t remember even seeing the I love you but speech. For many of us that is the first traumatic event of BD and haunts us through our entire journey, and yet I’ve read several accounts where they don’t even remember saying it. It’s fascinating.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Online Milly

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Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #99 on: January 13, 2019, 05:54:25 AM »
Acorn, thanks for documenting your journey, so fascinating for us all. Like Nas, I find it so helpful to hear that your H has no recollection of the ILYB..and I should not have married you speech. And just like Nas, these words have haunted me the whole time. I have said to people close to me, if only he had said he'd loved me the whole time, until he didn't, instead of telling me the whole marriage was fake. Hearing these admissions from your H is sooo helpful to me. Thank you.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

 

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