Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting. How???  (Read 2895 times)

Offline Nerissa

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 265
  • Gender: Female
My Story Reconnecting Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #60 on: January 03, 2019, 03:37:18 AM »
I think Barbie hits the nail on the head.  This book is good on counter dependency - a symptom of avoidant attachment and which depends upon having a co dependent with whom to interact.


https://weinholds.org/the-flight-from-intimacy-healing-counter-dependency/

Here is quite a good article too:  http://thecenter4lifechange.com/opposite-codependency-counter-dependency-love-avoidance/

Offline AcornTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #61 on: January 04, 2019, 11:18:22 AM »
Thank you, Anjae, Barbie, Milly and Nerissa, for sharing your thoughts.
It seems many MLCers are conflict avoiders.  I think there are degrees of avoidance.  Some are so severe that they cannot even choose which ice cream flavour they should choose.  There are some that are selective about their avoidance.  My H is one of them.  He avoids conflict with people in authority over him.

I’m severely jet lagged and sit in the kitchen quietly catching on news and HS.  I should probably head to bed before the sunrise! 

H and I visited his parents on our first day here.  H and his father were very reserved to each other and ill at ease.  Awkard!  I talked with my FIL most of the time, H with his mother. 

We visited his favourite sister and her family next and the conversation topic was interesting to say the least.  One of H’s nieces is going out with a most unsuitable boy.  I won’t go into details but let it suffice to say that I agree with the assessment of the boy after I met him.  H’s sister says, ‘I just have to bide my time and keep quiet.  Their infatuation with each other won’t last long.’  I agreed, H looked down.  I wonder why.  ;D H’s BIL walks in and says he has been talking with a family friend who just got caught having an affair.  H shuffles his feet and looks rather uncomfortable.  I wonder why again. ;D  You really can’t make this stuff up.  I don’t have to open my mouth at all and truth darts fly from most unsuspected source.  O well.  Palms up.  I’m not even one bit sorry for H.  Is that bad? ::)

Truth darts keep coming.  We are back at the holiday place and watch news.  A big headline: a politician in his mid 40’s is resigning because he was dilly dallying with women other than his wife.  Lots of unsavoury details.  This is not your average affair.  Sounds like this guy lost his mind.  Looks like a classic MLCer.  I didn’t look at H.  No need to.  Lots of shifting about on the couch.  ;D

I wonder what’s in store for us in the coming days. 

Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5685
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #62 on: January 04, 2019, 11:58:44 AM »
Oh my, Acorn, God is definitely rolling out some of his finest post it notes for your h isn't he? Sounds like your h is going to be caught in a permanent squirm  :)

But the lovely thing is that you don't have to do anything at all so I hope that allows you to really enjoy your vacation  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15266
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #63 on: January 04, 2019, 03:18:06 PM »
A person who cannot choose an ice cream flavour?  :o Does that really exists?

MLCers are perfectly capable of decide to leave. And several also don't seem to have problems getting into legal battles. I know, I know, it is both a form of control and of being attached.

Would say all is going well down there. Husband didn't run when uncomfortable things were mentioned.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline AcornTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #64 on: January 04, 2019, 03:29:03 PM »
I was just having some fun with ice cream flavours, Anjae.  I should have put an emoji after it.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15266
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #65 on: January 04, 2019, 04:03:53 PM »
I see. :) Well, there are probably people incapable of deciding wish ice cream flavour they want.  ::)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1825
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #66 on: January 05, 2019, 03:56:18 PM »
Acorn, I'm following and feeling your jet lag, but glad you checked in with us, thank you. It's not that our Hs can't choose their ice cream flavours while they're in their crisis, but if the OP tells them to get a certain flavour, they probably would say ok. Maybe a stupid comparison, but not unrealistic.

I'm sort of glad your H got hit by some out-of-your-control darts. I hope that doesn't make me sound mean. He needs to squirm. Actually, I think that squirming shows his feelings of guilt. Wouldn't it be so much easier if he would own his guilt, say out loud how wrong these people are, how he did it too and now realizes it's not the right choice? Everyone would admire him for his candidness. But no, they look down and shift their feet. Oh, well.

I admire you for observing and moving on, good for you. Oh, and lucky you, too. I hope you have fun as well.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline AcornTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #67 on: January 09, 2019, 09:01:01 PM »
Treasur, Anjae and Milly, thank you so much for reading and commenting! 

We had a R talk last night.  It grew organically out of another subject we were discussing in the car.

We were travelling back from a beachside cottage where we spent a few glorious days with H’s siblings and their spouses.  They are salt of the earth...  We shared lots of up laughter and tears, uproarious humour and serious talks.  Each one of them spoke to H and me individually, expressing their love and support.  All this talk turned my eyes to the reality of our R.  I think it was the same for H.  We had both been ‘letting’ everything be, and I guess it was time to break the status quo.

Apparently, H opened up with one of his sisters, talked and wept for a long time.  This SIL shared with me that H is completely turned toward God and he has intense desire to walk on the path of righteousness.  He confessed his unfaithfulness to me and not having been a good father.  He is determined to rebuild our family and M.  I’m thankful that SIL told me of this as the it confirms what I had been observing in H.

Driving back to our accommodation, I started talking about H’s prayer before the meal.  I expressed how much I appreciated his prayer and how it resonated with me.  It was God-focussed and H expressed his gratitude for the forgiveness of sins. 

I told him that his mention of God’s forgiveness in his prayer prompted me express what has been on my mind but yet to express to him verbally.  I said, ‘I forgive you, J.  I have absolutely no anger or animosity toward you.  I do not know when it happened but it dawned on me some time ago that I have truly let go of your debt.  I would like to voice that now.’  H cried...  He then told me he needs to forgive himself and he finds that very difficult.  He remembers and feels the depth of his wrongdoings (he specifically mentioned his unfaithfulness to me) so acutely that he is having trouble in forgiving himself.   

And then the floodgate of words opened for H and me.  It was a monumental R talk and my head is still spinning from it all.  I cannot remember all the subjects we talked about, let alone the order of them.  I can remember some points. 

H has been thinking a lot and showed the clarity of his extra large mirror.  He shared that he knows:

- he projects on our kids. (Wow, he is aware of that.)
- he is very sensitive and emotional.  He wishes it were different because he feels emotional pain so very deeply.
- he feels a void inside of him but he realizes that no one can fill that.  He seeks God’s help in this regard.
- the last counsellor didn’t help him much and would like to find another one.

I reiterated the same things I told him a few days before we left on this trip.

- I’m thankful for his return to God
- I love him unconditionally (I have previously lumped the kids in for this pronouncement.  I mentioned only myself this time.)

And then I plowed on and said many things. I remember saying the following:

- It is my desire to reconcile and rebuild our marriage.
- I’m not going to lie, it hurts me when you obviously avoid physical contact with me.

He replied:

 I’m scared of being rejected by you.  Sometimes you are very positive and friendly toward me but other times you are aloof and silent.  I’m delighted inside when you interact with me with cheer.  I’m sad when you are remote from me.  (I had NO idea!)

After that we talked a whole heap more until we were hoarse.  All about our sincere desire to commit to rebuilding.  And then a miracle of sorts happened.  H grabbed my hands and enveloped them in his big paws and said, ‘let’s go to God and pray.’  He prayed for healing in our M and family, for strengthening our desire to always serve God faithfully.  Since then, he has been physically more demonstrative toward me. 

The character of our interaction has changed since the R talk.  It is as if an invisible barrier between us has fallen.

I have so much compassion for his pain at not being able to forgive himself.  I pray fervently that God gives him a true understanding that if God can forgive him, H can forgive himself, too.

Am I sorry that we had R talk, unintentionally started by me?  Absolutely not.  I’m thankful that it happened.  In hindsight, it was needed and it was the right time.

P.S. I just re-read my previous post about the truth darts.  It is so in the past and irrelevant even though that was a mere days ago.  I sincerely hope he doesn’t get any more darts because they find the bull’s eye and hurt him so...  Besides, H has shown clearly in our R talk that he has more than a quiverful of his own darts.  Plenty (prehaps too much?) of self reflection and working very hard to mend himself and relationship with the loved ones.  I just remembered one of the things he said.  ‘I missed some parts of emotional growth when I was young.  I’m trying to catch up.’ 
« Last Edit: January 09, 2019, 09:21:43 PM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline GonerinGhana

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1821
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #68 on: January 09, 2019, 10:08:58 PM »


 I’m scared of being rejected by you.  Sometimes you are very positive and friendly toward me but other times you are aloof and silent.  I’m delighted inside when you interact with me with cheer.  I’m sad when you are remote from me. (I had NO idea!)


I just wanted to highlight this as it is what you have thought was the key to the progress all along. I'm not going to say it isn't necessary sometimes. But I also think a bit of being vulnerable and expressing our true feelings for them doesn't hurt either. They say do the opposite of what we did all along. I'll give you an example  My H always liked being chased, and hated being the chaser. If my true H is in there somewhere, then I really think I can't attract him back without that chase. Does that make sense? Yes, he might reject it too sometimes and run away, but that's the MLCer inside him running, not the man I want. So it really doesn't matter if I strike out sometimes as long as I am giving him confidence when he is receptive to it.

Offline AcornTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2196
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How???
« Reply #69 on: January 09, 2019, 10:30:28 PM »


 I’m scared of being rejected by you.  Sometimes you are very positive and friendly toward me but other times you are aloof and silent.  I’m delighted inside when you interact with me with cheer.  I’m sad when you are remote from me. (I had NO idea!)


I just wanted to highlight this as it is what you have thought was the key to the progress all along. I'm not going to say it isn't necessary sometimes. But I also think a bit of being vulnerable and expressing our true feelings for them doesn't hurt either.

I hear you loud and clear, Goner.  I believe that MLCer has to be far enough in their journey to even come to that state of mind where their emotional state is influenced by LBS.  Before then, it’s all about them and LBS does not hold meaningful space in their mind.  Well, that’s how I see it, anyway.

 I think R talk has to be the right time for it.  In the past, when I expressed similar sentiments to H, he arrogantly brushed them off, almost approaching ridicule.  This time he was grown enough and ready. It was the right time (holiday circumstances) and place (car, not facing each other).   If we had not been exposed to his siblings’ love, support and intense convos with each one of them about faith, life, marriage, children, etc. and were primed for the R talk, the same convo could not have taken place.  Or, if it did, our R may have gone south by a considerable distance.  One step forward, two steps back.

If MLCer has not grown sufficiently and developed a receptive heart and a listening ear, these sort of R talks would be like the proverbial spanner in the works.  Harmful to R and distracting for their journey.  I have no doubt about it. 
« Last Edit: January 09, 2019, 10:36:55 PM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk