Author Topic: Discussion Old Timers thread 4  (Read 3891 times)

Online in it

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Discussion Re: Old Timers thread 4
« Reply #70 on: January 10, 2019, 06:10:41 PM »
Thank you learning
Someone asked me if he drinks..I said no he's just naturally nuts.
I believe if we choose to not move on not take a chance on a new relationship, not love again...these souless bastards win. These types of men are the devil personified.I had some idea of just how evil he was..I just really didn't understand what I was dealing with..way to naive, way too trusting, with way too much compassion.

He would sometimes say

If you were sweeter we could be happier.
I'd reply if I were sweeter I wouldn't survive this.

I had no idea after BD then D then after I went back only after the DV incident it was all about control for him.
I think I've told this story before.

I had enough self help books I read..my collection would have rilved Barnes and Noble..of course because there was always something wrong with me as far as he was concerned. ( There was.. it was him)

I happened upon a book titled A$$holes-a theroy.I read the whole book and when I was done with it he was laying on the bed
I got up, tossed it on the bed and said:

That's the best 'effing self help book I ever read.
And walked out of the room

I refused to believe this was the last relationship would be the last one I would ever have.

There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Old Timers thread 4
« Reply #71 on: January 10, 2019, 07:08:41 PM »
Quote
of course because there was always something wrong with me as far as he was concerned. ( There was.. it was him)

OMG! In It, that is hysterical!!! I had the same problem. Thanks for sorting that out for me after all these years. ;D

Anjae, I do have a wonderful relationship. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I hope I did it twice.

trying2bok

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Re: Old Timers thread 4
« Reply #72 on: January 10, 2019, 07:15:37 PM »
Hey learning you got admit,  if you honestly think he was the best you could do? You had to be a little off too!  ;D
We deserve much better.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline LearningIamOk

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Re: Old Timers thread 4
« Reply #73 on: January 12, 2019, 06:12:28 AM »
I did think he was a good person, but as I healed and continued to grow, I realized he was not the prize I thought he was. I would never accept the crumbs he would throw my way now. I needed the push that his infidelity gave me. Painful as it was, I am glad for it. So many wonderful things opened up for me because of it.
trying2bok

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Re: Old Timers thread 4
« Reply #74 on: January 12, 2019, 06:45:21 AM »
Me too..trouble is it was character flaws he had I thought he'd mature out of and didn't.
I kept focusing on the good until one day I realized there was very little good there .
Too much giving him the benefit of the doubt with his lies. He crossed the abuse line for the last time this time.

 I got rid of the negative so something much more positive could enter the picture.

I'd never settle for anything remotely close to that last relationship.

« Last Edit: January 12, 2019, 08:14:51 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline onedayatatime

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Re: Old Timers thread 4
« Reply #75 on: January 12, 2019, 09:51:24 AM »
Following
You never know what tomorrow will bring.

Offline Believer

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Re: Old Timers thread 4
« Reply #76 on: January 13, 2019, 04:15:19 PM »
I’ve been reflecting over the past few days about where my personal growth is at.

It’s interesting that when I recently learned that my exH is getting remarried. I had a complete meltdown. I’ve been on this “ MLC trip ” for so long one would think I’d been able to better handle the news. Nope, not at all.

I knew my reaction wasn’t healthy and certainly not at all as detached as it should be. So queue a reality check for me!
I’m following up with a therapist and once I began to strip away all the outer layers I realized that although I was working on me I was working harder to help exH. Even after all these years I was still trying to fix my MLCer, the process and the outcome.
Oh silly, silly, stubborn me !
My exH is a stubborn man (as am I at times) and I kinda thought his MLC may be a long one. He has always struggled to apologize, acknowledge an error, or share his feelings. We worked for the same employer and we both had to participate in emotional testing. H scored poorly on his testing - he scored  a 1/5 and I had 4/5. Hmm..guess who carried the emotional decisions in our marriage.

My exH has always known I was there for him and still does. I was the one to touch in with him, and often there was heartfelt emotion on my behalf. That spoke volumes of where I needed to grow. Sometimes he’d respond and other times not. He’s always said he can’t imagine us not ever talking. So perhaps my ready availability has allowed him to push the envelope on his MLC and kept him in the “nowhere lands” who knows.
It was interesting that on Christmas Eve he responded to a touch in message I had sent a few days prior.

His response was odd for him... he said “he had failed me in so many ways as well as others. If he’d learned anything it’s to accept people as they are and that includes himself. He said losing yourself over these past 9 years was my primary responsibility because I failed you.”

Hmm, interesting words, albeit there is some truth to them. Although, actually losing myself was my responsibility not his. I didn’t respond right away actually waited until  well after Christmas. My response was simple. “Yes, you did fail me. Yes, you did fail others. However, you also failed yourself - please don’t under value yourself. ExH, I continue to believe in you. Take care. “
In the end I think I see a little realization on his behalf, although no apology or indication to fix the damage. I’m not sure he has the courage to, so for now he’ll take the path of least resistance and marry the OW. I feel he’s still well within his MLC.
Perhaps I’m over analyzing I don’t know. For now, I need flip the mirror back on me - that I do know.

The gems we discover for ourselves on this crazy ride!

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Old Timers thread 4
« Reply #77 on: January 13, 2019, 06:11:23 PM »
I realized that although I was working on me I was working harder to help exH. Even after all these years I was still trying to fix my MLCer, the process and the outcome.
Oh silly, silly, stubborn me !

The gems we discover for ourselves on this crazy ride!

Wow, this really struck as a truth bomb for me as well. I look back and realize as much as I tried to detach, I wasn't perfect. I was trying to fix my MLCer. I really wanted to "win" and be a success story. I thought I would fix myself and ex Ms. Ready at the same time. Oops.

I lost my stand out of sheer emotional and physical exhaustion. Burnt out completely. I remember when I stopped posting. I just wanted to rest. To focus on the divorce and figure out how to survive.

Looking back, I was trying to push my ex. Trying to rush her through the tunnel. Not realizing her sisiter's terminal disease was pulling her back, holding her, while I tried to shove.

Your words are strong and I really took them to heart.

((((Ready))))
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Believer

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Re: Old Timers thread 4
« Reply #78 on: January 13, 2019, 06:34:14 PM »
Ready,

Thanks for sharing

I completely hear you about the pushing/rushing and desire to be a success story!.

Yes, yes yes about thinking we could fix both at the same time !!  :o

A humbling personal step for me. I’m grateful that I now realize it.



Offline osb

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Re: Old Timers thread 4
« Reply #79 on: January 13, 2019, 06:56:40 PM »
Listening to perspectives on success stories, and on wishing to be one... Is reconciling with one's spouse considered a 'success story'? I'm not sure - and i am happy with my H (not the same as before MLC, naturally; but a different happy). It's certainly not the only success story, as so many of you make clear.

To many of my friends and family, a 'success story' for me would have included me snapping my fingers, triumphantly sauntering away from my H and finding a bright-and-shiny someone else ("you can find someone better looking and nicer", is the way my sister put it - as though I should be shopping for nicer produce and pinching the vegetables). They were heartily disappointed that my H and I reconciled ("I guess you just wanted a marriage", my cousin said, her lip slightly curled).

I guess what constitutes a success in our own eyes often reflects what our loved ones wish for us - to get back the person we lost, to make everything better, to prove that we can triumph. And i did fantasize about finding someone who loved me even better, before deciding that the broken-and-reglued love was what I actually wanted. Arguably, the real triumph lies in figuring out what makes us whole, regardless of who else is in our lives (I trust I'd feel this calm, whether alone or reconciled). I still can't get my family to quite see that - that I'm whole now, that I'm strong, that I have learned to bend so I won't ever break again. Oddly enough, my H sees it, and seems to admire that strength; perhaps that's why we're back together now. 
"You have a right to action, not to the fruit thereof; shoot your arrow, but do not look to see where it lands."  -Bhagavad Gita

 

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