Author Topic: My Story (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between  (Read 2793 times)

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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My Story (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« on: January 01, 2019, 02:19:31 PM »
My Old Thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9735.0

My New Thread Summary~

Fall of 2015 wants new clothes - just like son wears (18 yrs old at this time) - Ralph Lauren/Polo - Has not been to Dr. in years gets a check up

March 2016 I'll be mad if you buy a billboard for my 50th birthday
April 2016 new truck
Aug 2016 lifting and dieting- started taking a TON of vitamins  Did stop chewing tobacco
Sept 10 2016 BD #1  "I am not happy, something needs to change, this isnt working"  We tried to work on us.  Sex significantly increased from this day.
Oct 2016 behaviors changed a new person - manscaping now, - very private with cell phone - we go away for weekend - couple massage H "cant go naked you are here" Ummm I am your wife!
Nov 2016 Lasik eye surgery- obsessed with looks, scruffy beard was off and on and now is all the time
Dec 2016 Hanging with 27 yr old, started hitting concerts w/me, sexual behaviors have changed - music changed to country rock

Jan 2017 obsessed with TV star from the Bachelorette - even watches the show with me - 180 change in tv shows
Feb 2017 we took a trip to see his mom did a biplane ride - out of character
April 2017 - we attend another concert - drinking has been picking up, Car show event every Thursday thru Sept - drinking sees OW#1 every Thur at event
May 2017 - bought me a diamond necklace for Mothers Day
May 23, 2017 Did not want me to attend a golf outing.  By this time he is emotionally involved with OW #1 (Affair Down)
June 2017 - colored hair - highlighted it with sun to blonde
Aug 2017 - another surgery - mouth (1 of 2) attended another concert - drinking heavily
Sept 3, 2017 - attended another concert - drinking heavily
Sept 22, 2017 - attended another concert - drinking increases more  took me to a young bar after concert
Sept 23, 2017 - attended wedding - more drinking
Sept 24, 2017  "I care about you but not in love with you.  I told you a year ago."  moves out- tells my SIL I dated her for a year to see if it could work BD #2
Sept - Dec 2017 VERY HARD running in a PA with AD.  Gave kids $ for my birthday present and xmas gift,  brings food a lot for us - desserts and meals
Oct 2017 - monstered at son - never have seen him speak to him (or anyone else) in that manner
Dec 2017 husband files for Divorce
Christmas 2017 - goes to California to see mom for xmas.  Had not spent xmas w/her for 9 yrs since his dad died - when he returns a lot of touch n goes
Dec 27, 2017 - flew home - was suppose to be at Dr office with son and me for his surgery not there chose to fly home that day

Jan 2018 AD comes to an end - deleted his twitter account - Still drinking-posts hangover breakfast pictures
Feb 2018 - Has another surgery - My dad passes away he attends services
March 2018  OW files a report with police H touched her inappropriately. (She is trash saw report and lied I was at the same location that night and saw his and her behavior) He is slowing down.
March 31, 2018 - very talkative with us at an Easter breakfast fundraiser - he bought our meals-  2nd mouth surgery/skin graph
April 2018  H questioned by police.  Saw OW/withdraw - Deer in the headlights look he stopped at my work -Diet is done- posted on Instagram his workouts are a hobby- complimented me- snapchat has slowed down
May 2018 - Told daughter he is tired. OW #2 begins- replay behaviors have decreased - does not post "hangover" breakfasts on Instagram any longer, came to house to wash truck, has electrolysis done on his back
June and July 2018 - withdrawn from kids and I, June, H went to Chicago with OW#2 very secretive to D23
July 8, 2018 - First article in local newspaper OW #1 files sexual harassment charges (local police officer also gets sexual harassment charges against him- coincidence nope a group of three people -includes Police Chief-doing this) each day the newspaper ran an article on both of these charges up through 7/23. complaint is unfounded - no charges
July 23, 2018 H was still fired.  Articles continue for months in local paper. - Embarrassing!!!  Husband and kids now on my health insurance
Aug 3, 2018 - told friend his gf isn't happy about newspaper articles/situation- Also told his friend I am not happy with him
August 2018 - meeting with attorneys for D -H filed I had to sign in March 2018, H did not do anything for 6 mos.  Judge forces action on the D.  I called him out via text on something attorney said.  He told me he never said that - I said it doesn't matter your attorney threatened  to take all of our furniture out of our house.  H "We grew apart" "Thanks me for all of your support from the beginning of the harassment case"
Sept 2018 H is good with contact with kids and touch n goes (attorney meeting and texts triggered this) Helps me with case against his old employer on harassment from Police Chief to me. Willing to text about case.  He stopped at the house on a Sat night as I was getting ready to go out with friends- getting mail at 7 pm on Sat night- glad I was 98 ready to go out so he could see,
Oct 2018-Dec 2018 - very withdrawn from us. Came in the house only four times to pick up mail.  He looked me up and down on two of the occasions.  I have physically changed for the good and I had on skirt/ dress and heels on both times.  His friends have noticed my looks too.  I feel great and am very proud of ME!
Oct 2018 ordered a 2019 truck and started FB (this truck will fit in the garage of his moms home- where he lives- hated having his truck out last winter in this cold weather) Daughter told him next time he buys something he better talk with her first as that new truck is UGLY!  He stated "Its what I have always wanted- D23 "Ya as a 20 year old". 
Thanksgiving didn't ask to see kids
Dec 2018 - H finally gets a job, 12/16 kids wrote a letter to H about his behaviors towards them and son writes the intellectual part of andropause and depression.  Texts kids he loves them.  12/17 Starts new job works long hours till 7 pm at night for sure four of the days and Sat 9-3:00 .  D23 says he still workouts now before work.   
Christmas 2018 only saw kids for 5 minutes on Christmas Day to give gift of cash. Less $ than lest year and not even in a Christmas card like last year,
Dec 30th took kids to breakfast, he wore his shirt from the kids, was appreciative told them it was warm.  Kids said he seemed normal

Jan 2019 Not a peep from H to kids- not even a Happy New Year.  posted on Instagram starting diet again to lose the 25 lbs he gained wasup working out at 8 am

OW#2 still in the picture, He doesn't post pictures of her on his Instagram only workout pics,
I do not look at his FB- don't care to know.  He has never told the kids or me about HER,
Still works out, has gained back 25+ of the 55 lbs he lost, no more diet back to regular food, drinking decreased, doesn't dye his hair, no more surgeries or fixes, massages have reduced, vitamins srill reduced, left all of the organizations he was part of (business leader) since losing his job, emailed kids that the new job makes him feel better about himself.
Very distant.  H doesn't monster at us. H and I have very low contact I just let him be and I do my thing as I cant fix him!
« Last Edit: January 01, 2019, 02:20:42 PM by hope2018 »
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Offline Thunder

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #1 on: January 02, 2019, 08:16:21 AM »
What a long ride, huh Hope?
So still stuck, or does he seem better to you?
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #2 on: January 02, 2019, 10:46:45 AM »
Attaching
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  7.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents OW Out of State 
11.1.18  Moved in with sister  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Dec 18 - OW may be living locally but H not fully living with her
Jan 2019 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985
D29 - 2 children living locally
D -29 Married with 2 children
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #3 on: January 02, 2019, 02:58:10 PM »
Thunder,
Thank you for asking! 
Well as of 12/31 OW#2 is gone!  Now this could only last a day or two but I hope God is protecting my H  from further destruction.  A friend told me that OW posted something on FB about "Wasted Love" and one of my close friends did some further checking and said that all of the pictures of them have been deleted on her Instagram account.  I will not look on her pages for many reasons 1) she doesn't deserve any of my time 2) I will not put myself in a situation for further hurt 3) she is nothing to me except a "park bench" being used.

You ask if he is stuck?  I don't think he is stuck.  It is hard to say what is going on because I don't pay a lot of attention to him and he is distant from us.  I do have a question for you.  If he hasn't had an awakening will he find OW#3?  Maybe he is gradually waking up and I have no clue to it, lol We just have no idea what goes on in his head!  All I can say is that since I had that text exchange on 8/30 he was great the whole month of September with touch n goes and being attentive to the kids. 
Then Oct Nov and part of Dec he is distant.  Spends no time with the kids,  Then kids wrote the letter and gave it to him on 12/16.  He texted the kids he loved them but that was it. 
He started his new job (long hours) on 12/17 including Saturdays. 
Asked kids to attend two Christmas parties with him 12/20 and 12/2 but they declined as they had plans,
He called the kids to come to his house for xmas presents.  He offered to make food for them and D23 told him that I already was cooking a ham and mashed potatoes..... Kids went up to the house and only spent t10 minutes with him - its Christmas Day!  I did send a box of his clothes with the kids that I cleaned out from our closet.
He took the kids for breakfast 12/30 (1st time since 9/27) told them they could go anywhere they wanted (even their favorite brunch restaurant which is a bit expensive)  D23 chose a less expensive place and they spent almost 1.5 hours together.  D23 said he was talkative, in a good mood and seemed normal.  I asked her to take a good look at his eyes she said he has wrinkles under his eyes, lol. He wore the new shirt the kids bought him for xmas and he said it was warm and that he liked it.  He seemed appreciative- a good change! 
12/30 a friend who I have kept in touch with - he has not for a year +,  told me H FB friend requested her.  He opened a FB page in Nov.
12/31 OW is gone
So I am not sure if you can call it stuck since he has made some contact and hopefully has OW#2 gone for good.

So could he be gradually waking up? Could this be possible?  He has not made any forward movement with me.

Sam I Am- glad to see you following along! Where is your spouse at on this journey? I love your quote on chosing to be happy!





« Last Edit: January 02, 2019, 03:23:09 PM by hope2018 »
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Offline Milly

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2019, 04:33:49 PM »
Hi Hope, it sounds as if your H is progressing. He's doing things that are different from before. It could mean that he's peaking out of the fog, it could mean he's in limbo - between replay and liminality. No one can know for sure. You'll know looking backwards. He might decide to run back to replay again and that could mean OW3. They do this when they get a hint of liminality and have not the strength yet to face it. If he should go back to replay, it will be because he hasn't quite resolved all his issues.

It might be none of what I said and he really could be heading to liminality. Some have awakenings and go back to replay, some have a sudden awakening. In any case, changes show movement through the tunnel and that's so much better than them being stuck. Keep us posted.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #5 on: January 02, 2019, 06:32:27 PM »
Thanks Milly!  I appreciate advice from all LBS.

I really don't think he is at that point, and the reason I say that is because I haven't seen an awakening.  I would think that I would see more.  If they have an awakening would he have remained for two months distant?  I will also need to see if he runs back to OW#2.  They are so unpredictable!

I am glad he got a job and can focus on that.  Can anyone tell me if his long hours at work 8:30 -7 pm 4 days a week and then 9-3 pm on Saturday if that could effect his progress in anyway?
How often do MLS run back to replay after having an awkening?  Can they go back to OW at this point?

Also, with him being distant we only get to see a portion of what he does, so what we think is going on will be wrong.  I can only write on the facts that are in front of me. I will keep posting any news and pray for H to progress through the tunnel.  Any and all advise is certainly appreciated.
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Offline RedStar

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #6 on: January 02, 2019, 07:11:14 PM »
If they have an awakening would he have remained for two months distant?

Hi Hope, sorry that I can't address your other questions...but your one above reminded me of something that denjef31 said:

Quote from: denjef31

Thats when i had my awakening. It still took me another 6-8 months to even try to turn things around. It was like I could see I was getting left behind but i wasnt strong enough just yet to make my way back. I finally found the strength to sit down and share some things with him and my feelings but by then he was already dealing with MLC caused by FOO issues, divorce, and 2 deaths back to back of people very close to him. So in essence you can get a life they will notice but they wont do anything still until you are almost slipping away.

If I remember correctly, she said nothing to her H for those months. So...yes? Maybe check out her threads about her MLC. First one is:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412.msg544741#msg544741

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2019, 05:18:31 AM »
Thank you Redstar! 

That is so funny that you wrote that because as I laid in bed this morning thinking of Milly's post and my reply it came to me what Denjef had wrote.  I actually have that printed out and with other articles.  I guess time will tell what is going on until then I appreciate everyone's posts and thoughts.  I will remain with no expectations and keep living life with my kids.  Shouldn't je be making more of a connection with the kids if this is where he is at?  He did ask my son about his grades (in college studying civil engineering).

Another question- Can they break up with the OW and stay in replay?  I mean he has been in for 27 months.  Has anyone heard of someone finding a new OW that has been in Replay for this amount of time?

Thank you to everyone who have posted and for the support I have received in 2018- I look forward to a much better 2018!
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Offline Thunder

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2019, 07:05:46 AM »
Hope, all your questions are good questions.  The problem is no one can accurately answer them.

Yes it sounds like positive movement with your H, but it could be just that ..positive movement.

Every MLCer is different.  I think you're smart not having any expectations.
He could go a number of ways.

He could go back to the ow.
He could find a 3rd.
He could be not looking at all.
He could be in liminality, which could explain the time 2 months distancing.
Or he is slowing awakening.
Or it could mean he's just cycling.

You will just need to keep doing what you're doing, eyes off him and keep them on you.

Time will reveal what is going on.

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2019, 10:48:07 AM »
Thanks Thunder I agree who knows what he will do! My H seems to have the cycling of contact when OW was on the picture. He withdrew the first three months then had a good month of contact and then withdrew again. So I see it more as cycling. What is interesting is the break up just shorty after the letters from my children.  Time will tell!

Sam- I forgot to ask you- Does your H monster at you? I have not seen very many that do not like my H.
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

 

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