Author Topic: My Story (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between  (Read 4503 times)

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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My Story Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #90 on: March 10, 2019, 10:43:28 AM »
Sachat- I am glad we are both in the "I am not really interested"  group!  Detaching from the affair has helped me tremendously.  I am not saying I didn't have bad days, but for the most part I knew she meant nothing to him. She was an addiction that I hope is more than a faded memory.

BACKGROUND:  H did not see the kids from Oct-end of December 2018, Kids wrote H a letter about how they felt 12/16/18, H and ow broke up 12/31 for a day, H has moved his attention from her to the kids at the end of December. H has been consistent in his contact- actually it has picked up.  D24 says he seems "normal"
 
UPDATE:
Feb 20-22 there was trouble in paradise again
Feb 20 made dinner for the kids and contacted kids to go for breakfast on Sunday
Feb 23 H placed his IG as #single also changed FB
Feb 24 H took kids for breakfast and made dinner for us
Feb 25 H contacted daughter as his younger brother was at the hospital with heart issue
Feb 27 H met with daughter and banker for her to get pre-approved for her 1st home, asked D to go for dinner
Feb 28 H had lunch with S after college classes
Mar 1 H brought S some food at work- just showed up with it
Mar 2 H was out with AD for her bday-- I am guessing she pushed for this H was also w/ best friend and his wife
Mar 3 H made dinner for kids
Mar 5 AD actual birthday he was with her - no gifts from him
Mar 6 H made dinner again
Mar 7 H asked kids to go for breakfast on Sunday
Mar 8 AD posts "single" on her FB
Mar 9 H would normally only go out on Sat nights - he stayed home.
Mar 10 H took kids for breakfast

This is great progress for him.  I am not sure what is going on, but it seems he is reconnecting with his kids.  He is not moving towards me, with the exception of him mentioning me and past trips we took.  It was also nice to see that he was with his best friend and not the 28 yr old he hung with.  I had not seen that in months, but then I only know what I am told that is posted on FB or IG.  D24 agreed that it is a change for him. 

I will sit back and see what happens.  I will continue to pray the hedge of thrones prayer for him and hope that he sees his family is important to him and that he belongs with us.






BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Offline sachat3

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #91 on: March 10, 2019, 11:15:54 AM »
I’m the same as you and I’ve said the same to H many a times during arguments and being nice. That I do not care about H or Ow or what they get up to as a couple. I will only intervene when it affects my children. And I stand by that.

Your H is making many good steps. But I would assume before he starts stepping to you he probably is building with his children. I’m not too sure on how the reconnecting side or things work as I try and only focus on the stage we are at. But to me reading it seems all good progress. 
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #92 on: March 11, 2019, 08:23:06 PM »
Yes, he continues to make great progress.  Today he was kidding with D24 about a funny situation that happened 4 years ago.  I feel like he is remembering the good in his past.

My H always said that he didn't want to give me false hope.  I think he will be cautious with me until he knows for sure what he is feeling. I just don't know if he will come to that decision in time for the final meeting for our divorce. 

I have been reading on the awakening and wonder if he isn't in the process of waking up.  I read Denjef and a lot of her post resonates with me.  He is seeming normal, connecting with the kids, being kind, is talking about the past with the kids and mentioning "our" life together, and has eliminated the OW.  Its been 2.5 years since BD so its about time we see positive moments.  I think the soon to be divorce, the loss of $ and family, the letters my kids wrote to him, and the time he has been in MLC/Replay are all significant factors. 
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: Replay, Awakening, Reconnection, OW Withdraw what is the order?
« Reply #93 on: March 14, 2019, 02:52:11 PM »
OK so I have a thought/question.

All of the positive steps he has made are towards the kids only.  Can he be reconnecting with the kids?  When can this occur because I do not think he has had an awakening or maybe he is in the beginning of one.  OW is dumped so this is confusing.  I have searched to find some answers but no luck.  I thought that they had to have an awakening to start making these big movements.  Maybe he is just moving his attention from his ex-wh@re to the kids.  Everything I see falls in to place except he is not making any movements towards me.  I know Denjef sat and watched for three months but our final divorce meeting is in three weeks.  I am lost on his actions. 
« Last Edit: March 14, 2019, 02:54:00 PM by hope2018 »
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #94 on: March 14, 2019, 03:13:37 PM »
BbHelp made a point of the reconnection process.  I believe he said something to the effect that the MLCer connects with everyone/everything else first, before the LBS.  He included the vacuum cleaner.   ;D
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
STBXW filed D behind my back.

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #95 on: March 14, 2019, 03:18:34 PM »
BbHelp made a point of the reconnection process.  I believe he said something to the effect that the MLCer connects with everyone/everything else first, before the LBS.  He included the vacuum cleaner.   ;D

Yes, I remember reading that but can they reconnect to kids prior to an awakening? I am just confused on all of these actions. 
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Offline Milly

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #96 on: March 14, 2019, 03:27:17 PM »
Hope, there is more than one awakening. It's possible your H had one of them, and that has lead him to want to make a move towards the kids. He might keep progressing and eventually reach you, or he could go back into Replay, go on for a while, have another awakening and move towards the kids/you again.

Unfortunately, it's not usually a straight path. However, connecting with the kids is still a very positive sign. I remember reading somewhere on HS or HB, to just enjoy things when they're positive and not worry about the next step. In any case it's going to be slow.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #97 on: March 15, 2019, 03:56:48 AM »
Milly-
Thank you for the post and words of encouragement! I am happy to see these small steps and will take all of the positive movements we can get.  If o recall correctly, I think I read that one LBS said that it was a 6 month span between the awakenings for them.  Does that sound accurate ?  I know each case is different but knowing that there are more positives coming is good for the soul. And well... I am sure more firetrucking immature behaviors too!
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #98 on: March 15, 2019, 08:29:54 PM »
Well H went to workout at 4 am this morning. This not normal for him. D24 talked with him at 7 am and he told her was going to try to get more sleep. He posted about loving his children unconditionally! More positive progress. D24 talked about a house that was for sale and he told her not to rush into it and to really figure out if she wanted a two story home. Now last July he told her you are an adult and can make your own decisions. What a nice change!
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #99 on: March 17, 2019, 06:27:14 PM »
Just another update of what my world looks like~

To be honest I was a little worried about my H on Saturday night.  I prayed that H would not have contact with his ex-wh@re and that he would not get drunk.  Well, I worried about nothing.  (They broke up on 2/23, although last contact was March 5.)  I hope for his sake he can maintain this path. 

Usually, he cooks on Sundays and calls one of the kids to come get food.  Nope not this Sunday.  No cooking, not even a trip to the gym for a workout.  D24 called him and asked if he was cooking today and he said nope I am snoozing in the recliner. She asked if he wanted some food brought up since we were cooking out on the grill, he told her he was good.  She then asked if he wanted some fresh baked cookies and she got a no to that too.  He obviously didn't want anyone to go there. 
His replay behaviors are very quiet if not gone.  He has had consistent contact with the kids since 12/30, but I did notice that he did not contact the kids on Friday or Saturday.  D24 texted him and he responded with a joke and was friendly but no true conversation.  My guess he is in OW withdraw.

I believe H may have started the awakening process when he started connecting with the kids.  I have not seen any movements towards me.  Can OW withdraw force a further awakening?

For the rest of my weekend, I enjoyed some Irish music and S20 and I made some peanut butter cookies and cooked out on the grill.  A good way to spend my St Patty's weekend!
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

 

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