Author Topic: My Story (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between  (Read 4836 times)

Offline engagewithlove

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My Story Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #30 on: January 11, 2019, 06:37:44 PM »
Engage with love

Thank you for responding. Our stories do seem similar. Does your XH talk with you at all? You said he was running from you and was curious to what that looked like for you.  You said he had a mini awakening, what did you see if anything? Was this after your divorce? How did he start to connect with the children again?

Thanks!

Our conversations are only ever about the kids. I always wait for him to initiate anything beyond that, but it cycles and there hasn't really been much talk for a while. The last conversation that lasted about 10 minutes was about D15 school report early Dec 2018. Prior to that I think it was about Feb/Mar 2018 where he sat next to me and we watched our daughters water polo game together. We discussed things beyond the kids, but nothing deeply personal. He has only asked once about my parents (who treated him like a son for 25 years) and has never asked about my siblings with whom he had very good relationships until BD.

When he is 'running' he doesn't get out of the car when he picks up/drops the kids off, or he stands on the other side of the football/hockey field, and he struggles to look at me. When he is in a touch and go he'll ring the door bell or stand near me during the kids sports and might join in conversations e parents are having on the sideline.

I call it a mini awakening as I don't think he's seen the true damage he has done, but I think he senses he will loose his Kids if he keeps going as he is. I noticed the change when he went away for work for 2 weeks, ending with when he called to discuss D15 school report. While he was away he sent messages to the kids that had some emotion in them. Describing scenery and using words rather than a fist punch or love heart emoji!! I just get some sense he is listening to the kids and talking to them beyond sport or his interests. He is also reaching out to them more often to go training together (S13 is a swimmer).

But, I think there are other factors at work. D was final in Sept, he changed jobs at that time and the kids met OW. So a big month. For 6 weeks, in the lead up to D15 birthday, OW was there every time they were with him, then nothing for 6 weeks. I think he realised the happy family thing wasn't going to just work because he said it must. Doesn't mean he's not still trying, I just think he has decided to go at a slower pace.
At BD married 22.5 yrs, M 44, H 48
D14, S12, S9
miniBD1 Aug 2016 'not sure I want to be here'
BD2 29 Jan 2017 ilybinilwy, moved out 3 Mar 2017
Financially separated 5 Sept 2017, house sold Dec 3 2017
D final Sept 2018

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #31 on: January 13, 2019, 06:07:46 AM »
Engage-
It does sound as if there is some forward movement taking place.  You mentioned your daughters birthday, mine just had her 24th and when she came home from having dinner with her dad she said “we bonded” that was nice to hear.  Besides sharing items on FB about the kids (for the first time) he also wrote in D24 FB and called her by her nickname from when she was a baby. That name has not been used in 20 years! He sent her a text also but it was short. He seems to be talking more with her right now. We will see if that lasts.
H has not reached out much to S20.
I did notice that he is more conscientious on his $. The difference on what he gave kids last year for Christmas compared to this year, for D24 birthday he set a budget dinner and $50 or $100 and no dinner. This is a change.
Daughter also told me that H said he took a nap on his day off. His new job has him working different hours no more 9-5:00. I like the 7 pm nights less time to see the wh^re. He has Wednesday’s off and that is the night he took D24 for dinner.
Ever since the kids gave H letter (12/16) we have seen a bit of a change. Let’s see if he can keep progressing. Divorce will be finalized in April and he had to meet with his attorney last week. They say the awakening is gradual, let’s pray this is s start.
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #32 on: January 13, 2019, 06:15:38 AM »
My H is over 7 1/2 years and I’d say over the last twelve months or so he’s started noticing his children and granddaughter again. It’s been a slow process though!

I’d say he’s at the tail end of his crisis but still not out of it.

X

When you say 7 1/2 years are starting at the beginning of MLC or from BD? I have been curious to how people calculate the time.

Glad to hear your H is progressing!!
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Offline Thunder

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #33 on: January 13, 2019, 06:35:16 AM »
We usually start it at BD, because that seems to be when the crisis really takes off.

Up to that point is more depression, confusion and anger building up.  Sometimes for a whole year before they make the decision they want out.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #34 on: January 17, 2019, 03:37:54 PM »
Thunder,
I am curious to your view on my situation after you have seen my history for the past 2.5 years.  Are you calculating mine from BD #1 or BD #2?


So I met with my attorney and noticed that my H did not submit his retirement statements.  I think he thought he could pull one over on me.  My attorney has asked to get a copy of the statement and my H has submitted a one page screenshot that does not show the full retirement. Obviously, my attorney will request the full statement.  The judge set a deadline of Tuesday and we still don't have it.  I feel as if my H is fearing the loss of a portion of his pension.  There has to be some clarity for him to feel this.  He will also be losing the house and all of the contents.  Thoughts?

 
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Online megogirl

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #35 on: January 17, 2019, 04:37:00 PM »
My thoughts.....

Well, I got 85% of our estate in the settlement, although its not "official" yet.  I actually called my L yesterday to see if I am still "married", or in fact, "divorced."  Very strange.

Apparently there is one last bugaboo that L & I are waiting for THEM to do, because it apparently costs money, and "we won't pay for HIS divorce."  Same ole, same ole.

I will say this: I got all of our marital houses' contents within that 85%.  Bear in mind, many of these things are HIS.  If I didn't have such a strong intuition that we will be back together again once all of this crap is over-with, I never would have agreed to effectively be his "storage unit."

Perhaps you also have the lions' share of your H's crap.  None of which, of course, he is thinking about, nor remembering, at this time. 

And so it goes.....
« Last Edit: January 17, 2019, 05:26:32 PM by megogirl »

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #36 on: January 17, 2019, 05:35:23 PM »
Megogirl,

I am getting all of his to ols, book collection, grills, lawn mower, weed eater, pictures from his youth, his dads memorial items including ashes, this all blows my mind that he is not even thinking about this stuff!


So my H just called my daughter as she is leaving for a cruise on Saturday.  He talked about being aware of her surroundings, do not talk to strangers at port, stay in your group,  Do you have cash?  You should get a credit card for future use to have for emergencies.  Asked to call him before she leaves.  When she got off the phone with him I asked her if she feels like he has been acting like he cares about her again and she said yes it is different.  So what is going on here?

This is typical of my old H to be extra protective to his daughter.
« Last Edit: January 17, 2019, 05:36:34 PM by hope2018 »
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Offline sachat3

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #37 on: January 18, 2019, 02:07:15 AM »
A little late but attaching none the less.

I still have many things of my H in my house. In fact when he left he only took his clothes. He was a massive tech geek and we had a large TV in bedroom with a fire stick and surround sound. I redecorates the bedroom 9 months post BD and H insisted I kept the TV and firestick I refused and he reluctantly took it. I have the odd baseball cap here. despite me giving him them. They make their way back here. I even have some screen wash for a car. I do not even have a license. I have his childhood teddy which has sentimental value as his dad bought it him and his dad died 18 years ago. Also have a few items of his dads here.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline hope2018Topic starter

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #38 on: January 18, 2019, 03:05:03 AM »
Sachat3 welcome to my thread!

It is so interesting to see how many have left so many items behind. My H played video games and left the Xbox One system and TV, told my son that I could sell it. That I have not done. Do you think they are just not thinking or that they really think we will be there waiting and they plan on returning?  One thing I do know is that they are not thinking clearly by these actions.

Megogirl- I LOVE your positive attitude that one day your H will return!

One last note from this week. I texted H to see if he would be willing to pay half of my sons contact lens. He said he would and I told him also about daughters lens. He said she was old enough to pay for them- agree. But I told him herbibe box is expensive due to a bad eye. He asked how much was my half that I agreed to pay and said he would pay that too.

I feel he has been making some strides forward. Although it is too early to tell what is going on and where he is at. We will just sit back and take the good we are seeing.
BD1 9/10/2016 Not happy, this isn’t working
BD2 9/24/2017 I care about you, but not in love with you - moved out
OW1 confirmed 8/2017 - ended 2/2018
OW2 confirmed 5/30/2018, ended 2/23/2019
H lost his job 7/23/2018
H started new job 12/17/2018

Offline sachat3

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Re: (HFK) Replay to Liminality and everything in between
« Reply #39 on: January 18, 2019, 03:48:42 AM »
Part of me thinks my H knows in himself he will return. After BD and before I found this site and knew how to act properly. Me and H had a conversation and it got heated. I shouted “Ypu will live to regret this” to which he replied “I know I will”. He also tries stopping me making permenant choices that would affect his life when he returns. For example H doesn’t like cats. He likes dogs. I’m I different. I like both but D7 wanted a kitten...H heard us talking about it and said “no no no. Your not getting a kitten. I’m not dealing with that” why would he be dealing with it if he never planned to return? He’s also not redirected any of his post. He orders off eBay and Amazon. They still come to my house. He still pays my sky TV bill as I said it was too expensive and wanted a cheaper option. He’s kept sky and is paying for it. I do think they leave us little signs about if they intend to return but it’s just picking up on them. I also believe (from what I’ve read aswell and just general ideas) it’s mainly LBS that stop any return. I guess sometimes the LBS has had enough/can’t wait that long etc etc
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

 

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