Author Topic: My Story What has happened to my life? - Part 6!  (Read 1433 times)

Offline PhiladelphiagirlTopic starter

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My Story What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« on: January 07, 2019, 12:42:12 PM »
Thank you for reminding me that I needed a new thread Silver, please could someone link this new thread for me! Thank you xx

Well, Part 6! The same thing has happened to my life - it is broken, confusing and generally hard work. But, I have survived 2 years of this nonsense - my H hasn't seen the kids for over a year and so I suppose that this is our new normal.

My word for the year - which I may have mentioned on my last thread is RESILIENT!

I have decided to be more pro-active with regards to my H and get the legal situation sorted out as soon as I can. There is little evidence of him moving things forward and as he seems to have forgotten that the twins exist I can only assume that he is happy in his new life as a carefree 53 year old in a slogan t-shirt and sunglasses. I on the other hand have to revise with two kids all week as they have a maths test.

There is a lot of sadness in my heart with regards to all of this and I had hoped that my H and I would at least be able to communicate at some point in the future but his cruel abandonment of the kids has really ruined that possibility. I suppose that there is a line of neglect that you cross and he has definitely crossed it. What has been preventing me from moving forward with the legal stuff is that I know that he isn't going to like some of it as he will take a big hit financially, but I'm not even frightened of him any more. I just feel sorry for him - but not sorry enough to totally jeopardise mine and the kids future.

So, very soon we will divorce, I will then continue to make plans for me and the kids. We have lost the future that I thought we had. So, it is a case of carefully piecing together another one. I started to read a book to go to a book club later in the month. I used to read a lot before BD but have only read 3 books (which were not about MLC) since. I've read a lot on MLC and am still convinced that this is what is happening with my H, the shiny sunglasses, odd shoes and slogan t-shirt sort of gave it away. I love my kids very much - I thought that he loved them too.

Onwards into 2019, being resilient, trying to move on and planning a nice trip for the Summer.

Happy 2019 everyone. Love and support to all, PG xxx     

Previous thread:   https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9839.0                                     

« Last Edit: January 14, 2019, 09:05:47 AM by Thunder »

Offline Milly

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2019, 02:36:00 PM »
Come in along with you, Philly. You sound stronger. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline megogirl

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2019, 03:29:42 PM »
I love my kids very much - I thought that he loved them too.

Per RCR: "Your MLC'er is lost, not gone."

I have little doubt that your H loves both you, and your kids.  It is very hard for me to wrap my head around suddenly feeling NOTHING for the people you most hold dear - but apparently, that's what MLC is.  Like, the worst drunken blackout ever.   

I'm almost divorced, too.  Keep the faith!
« Last Edit: January 07, 2019, 03:31:01 PM by megogirl »

Offline Puzzled

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2019, 11:26:44 PM »
Philly, you do sound stronger.  :)

From my perspective, it's not just the looks that give it away that your H is in deep MLC.  The whole package has MLC written all over for me -- leaving you and his children behind, reporting you to social services after moving abroad and then distancing himself even further from his kids, blaming you for his relationship, or lack thereof, with his kids etc.

Like you, I used to read a lot before MLC and then mainly about MLC once it hit.  Just recently I thought that I'm so happy that I can thoroughly enjoy reading again.

I can imagine that the financial reality of what it means to get divorced will hit your H.  I sometimes think of his statement of a mutually beneficial dividing of assets and find myself scratching my head about it, especially now since I'm in the middle of it myself.
Me: 47 (43 at BD1)
H: 53 (48 at BD1)
D: 10 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, H moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly

Offline PhiladelphiagirlTopic starter

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2019, 11:30:33 AM »
Thanks Milly, Mego and Puzzled, nice to have you following along. x

Journaling....
I don't think that I am any stronger really - I'm just very tired and sick of living in limbo. I'm trying to keep the faith but as my H is a vanisher I doubt very much if I will ever speak with him again. Yes, I think that the financial impact of our divorce is going to hit my H but that his freedom from responsibility will no doubt make that worth it for him. Saw my IC today and told her about the slogan t-shirt photo and how I was feeling and she said that I really need to start moving on as I am stuck. She is right of course but as I've read here there can be no time frame put on feeling better. I am here, responsible for 2 kids who my H has forgotten exist and am about to go into a legal battle with him where he will see that he has to maintain them and the fact that he obviously doesn't want to still hurts. She said that he may have regressed to his youth but that he is the man with empty pockets - by that she meant that I have the kids and in her words, he has nothing.

Just continuing to put one foot in front of the other. Love and support to all,

PG xxx       

Offline Treasur

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2019, 12:17:16 PM »
All you can do, Philly.
One foot in front of the other.
Get through the next bit and do your best to look after you and the kids.
Keep faith that this too shall pass and that it will get easier. Bc from the other side with a vanisher who I expect to never see again too, would never have chosen any of this but it is easier off the rollercoaster and out of limbo. Please trust me. It isn't great always, but it is better than the worst of times...and you have already survived that xxxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2019, 05:22:16 AM »
1 day, one hour, one minute at a time if needed, Philly.... It can be, and often is a hard slog until the light at the end of OUR tunnel no longer seems to be an oncoming train but it DOES happen...

Yeah, he's probably going to go berserk when the reality of his actions hit him in the wallet but the consequences of HIS actions are not YOUR problem. That is why you are paying a L, right?

 Mr. Abusive (and that IS what he is) can go

Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2019, 04:45:53 PM »
Still traveling with you, PG.

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline sachat3

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2019, 02:08:30 AM »
Attaching
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline PhiladelphiagirlTopic starter

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2019, 06:26:44 AM »
Thanks Treasur and UM and nice to have you following along Stillb and Sachet...…..

Well, I haven't posted in ages as there hasn't been anything to say really. I started the year well with a lot of enthusiasm about being strong and getting things sorted out and as with most things it's a work in progress. I'm definitely stronger but am sorting through things at a very slow pace and am still having periods of real worry about the future. It still baffles me that a man in his 50's walks away from 2 9 1/2 year olds and a) expects them to be okay/happy about it, and b) doesn't expect to have to pay anything towards their lives! So, still no contact from H re: kids so still no interest in seeing them. The maintenance hearing was in court again a couple of weeks ago and the Judge ordered that he has to pay me arrears. Neither of us had to be in court not that he would have turned up anyway. So, I'm waiting for the arrears. So, last week my Solicitor emailed to say that he is pushing forward with the divorce and still intends to divorce me on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and he has had the hearing moved to another court in a different part of the country. No idea what that is about............

So, he had been quiet since December but is now back moving things forward. It just amazes me that it's all about the divorce and not about the kids. Also, he could divorce on the grounds of separation but of course he wants to cause the utmost hurt. I had a bad few hours but it was nowhere as bad as it would have been even 6 months ago.

I'm still sorting out my Mother's estate, kids are doing well, I am taking more care of myself, have lost some weight and bought some new clothes. I can see the sun through the clouds again...……...life is good. I will always think that H has made a huge mistake in the way that he is treating the kids, he has missed out on so much of what really matters in life.

One funny chat with my 11 year old D last week re: H shoes when he visited. He once turned up in very weird boots that he would never have worn pre-MLC. They looked ridiculous and I had to turn away from him so as not to laugh. Anyway, I didn't think that the kids had noticed and then my D brought it up the other day and said - I wonder if he is still wearing those silly shoes and sunglasses...………….you couldn't make this up!!!!! She was sniggering for about 10 mins.

So, I will be divorced very soon, just like that, no discussion, no wishing me well, no thanking me for looking after our kids on my own, just like that - twenty years of our lives rubbed out!!!!!!!

Sending love and support to all, PG xxx

     

 

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