Author Topic: My Story What has happened to my life? - Part 6!  (Read 910 times)

Offline PhiladelphiagirlTopic starter

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My Story What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« on: January 07, 2019, 12:42:12 PM »
Thank you for reminding me that I needed a new thread Silver, please could someone link this new thread for me! Thank you xx

Well, Part 6! The same thing has happened to my life - it is broken, confusing and generally hard work. But, I have survived 2 years of this nonsense - my H hasn't seen the kids for over a year and so I suppose that this is our new normal.

My word for the year - which I may have mentioned on my last thread is RESILIENT!

I have decided to be more pro-active with regards to my H and get the legal situation sorted out as soon as I can. There is little evidence of him moving things forward and as he seems to have forgotten that the twins exist I can only assume that he is happy in his new life as a carefree 53 year old in a slogan t-shirt and sunglasses. I on the other hand have to revise with two kids all week as they have a maths test.

There is a lot of sadness in my heart with regards to all of this and I had hoped that my H and I would at least be able to communicate at some point in the future but his cruel abandonment of the kids has really ruined that possibility. I suppose that there is a line of neglect that you cross and he has definitely crossed it. What has been preventing me from moving forward with the legal stuff is that I know that he isn't going to like some of it as he will take a big hit financially, but I'm not even frightened of him any more. I just feel sorry for him - but not sorry enough to totally jeopardise mine and the kids future.

So, very soon we will divorce, I will then continue to make plans for me and the kids. We have lost the future that I thought we had. So, it is a case of carefully piecing together another one. I started to read a book to go to a book club later in the month. I used to read a lot before BD but have only read 3 books (which were not about MLC) since. I've read a lot on MLC and am still convinced that this is what is happening with my H, the shiny sunglasses, odd shoes and slogan t-shirt sort of gave it away. I love my kids very much - I thought that he loved them too.

Onwards into 2019, being resilient, trying to move on and planning a nice trip for the Summer.

Happy 2019 everyone. Love and support to all, PG xxx     

Previous thread:   https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9839.0                                     

« Last Edit: January 14, 2019, 09:05:47 AM by Thunder »

Offline Milly

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2019, 02:36:00 PM »
Come in along with you, Philly. You sound stronger. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline megogirl

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2019, 03:29:42 PM »
I love my kids very much - I thought that he loved them too.

Per RCR: "Your MLC'er is lost, not gone."

I have little doubt that your H loves both you, and your kids.  It is very hard for me to wrap my head around suddenly feeling NOTHING for the people you most hold dear - but apparently, that's what MLC is.  Like, the worst drunken blackout ever.   

I'm almost divorced, too.  Keep the faith!
« Last Edit: January 07, 2019, 03:31:01 PM by megogirl »

Offline Puzzled

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2019, 11:26:44 PM »
Philly, you do sound stronger.  :)

From my perspective, it's not just the looks that give it away that your H is in deep MLC.  The whole package has MLC written all over for me -- leaving you and his children behind, reporting you to social services after moving abroad and then distancing himself even further from his kids, blaming you for his relationship, or lack thereof, with his kids etc.

Like you, I used to read a lot before MLC and then mainly about MLC once it hit.  Just recently I thought that I'm so happy that I can thoroughly enjoy reading again.

I can imagine that the financial reality of what it means to get divorced will hit your H.  I sometimes think of his statement of a mutually beneficial dividing of assets and find myself scratching my head about it, especially now since I'm in the middle of it myself.
Me: 47 (43 at BD1)
H: 53 (48 at BD1)
D: 10 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly

Offline PhiladelphiagirlTopic starter

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2019, 11:30:33 AM »
Thanks Milly, Mego and Puzzled, nice to have you following along. x

Journaling....
I don't think that I am any stronger really - I'm just very tired and sick of living in limbo. I'm trying to keep the faith but as my H is a vanisher I doubt very much if I will ever speak with him again. Yes, I think that the financial impact of our divorce is going to hit my H but that his freedom from responsibility will no doubt make that worth it for him. Saw my IC today and told her about the slogan t-shirt photo and how I was feeling and she said that I really need to start moving on as I am stuck. She is right of course but as I've read here there can be no time frame put on feeling better. I am here, responsible for 2 kids who my H has forgotten exist and am about to go into a legal battle with him where he will see that he has to maintain them and the fact that he obviously doesn't want to still hurts. She said that he may have regressed to his youth but that he is the man with empty pockets - by that she meant that I have the kids and in her words, he has nothing.

Just continuing to put one foot in front of the other. Love and support to all,

PG xxx       

Offline Treasur

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2019, 12:17:16 PM »
All you can do, Philly.
One foot in front of the other.
Get through the next bit and do your best to look after you and the kids.
Keep faith that this too shall pass and that it will get easier. Bc from the other side with a vanisher who I expect to never see again too, would never have chosen any of this but it is easier off the rollercoaster and out of limbo. Please trust me. It isn't great always, but it is better than the worst of times...and you have already survived that xxxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #6 on: January 17, 2019, 05:22:16 AM »
1 day, one hour, one minute at a time if needed, Philly.... It can be, and often is a hard slog until the light at the end of OUR tunnel no longer seems to be an oncoming train but it DOES happen...

Yeah, he's probably going to go berserk when the reality of his actions hit him in the wallet but the consequences of HIS actions are not YOUR problem. That is why you are paying a L, right?

 Mr. Abusive (and that IS what he is) can go

Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online stillbaffled

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #7 on: January 17, 2019, 04:45:53 PM »
Still traveling with you, PG.

After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline sachat3

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #8 on: January 18, 2019, 02:08:30 AM »
Attaching
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline PhiladelphiagirlTopic starter

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #9 on: March 19, 2019, 06:26:44 AM »
Thanks Treasur and UM and nice to have you following along Stillb and Sachet...…..

Well, I haven't posted in ages as there hasn't been anything to say really. I started the year well with a lot of enthusiasm about being strong and getting things sorted out and as with most things it's a work in progress. I'm definitely stronger but am sorting through things at a very slow pace and am still having periods of real worry about the future. It still baffles me that a man in his 50's walks away from 2 9 1/2 year olds and a) expects them to be okay/happy about it, and b) doesn't expect to have to pay anything towards their lives! So, still no contact from H re: kids so still no interest in seeing them. The maintenance hearing was in court again a couple of weeks ago and the Judge ordered that he has to pay me arrears. Neither of us had to be in court not that he would have turned up anyway. So, I'm waiting for the arrears. So, last week my Solicitor emailed to say that he is pushing forward with the divorce and still intends to divorce me on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and he has had the hearing moved to another court in a different part of the country. No idea what that is about............

So, he had been quiet since December but is now back moving things forward. It just amazes me that it's all about the divorce and not about the kids. Also, he could divorce on the grounds of separation but of course he wants to cause the utmost hurt. I had a bad few hours but it was nowhere as bad as it would have been even 6 months ago.

I'm still sorting out my Mother's estate, kids are doing well, I am taking more care of myself, have lost some weight and bought some new clothes. I can see the sun through the clouds again...……...life is good. I will always think that H has made a huge mistake in the way that he is treating the kids, he has missed out on so much of what really matters in life.

One funny chat with my 11 year old D last week re: H shoes when he visited. He once turned up in very weird boots that he would never have worn pre-MLC. They looked ridiculous and I had to turn away from him so as not to laugh. Anyway, I didn't think that the kids had noticed and then my D brought it up the other day and said - I wonder if he is still wearing those silly shoes and sunglasses...………….you couldn't make this up!!!!! She was sniggering for about 10 mins.

So, I will be divorced very soon, just like that, no discussion, no wishing me well, no thanking me for looking after our kids on my own, just like that - twenty years of our lives rubbed out!!!!!!!

Sending love and support to all, PG xxx

     

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #10 on: March 19, 2019, 07:08:09 AM »
Quote from: Philadelphiagirl
The maintenance hearing was in court again a couple of weeks ago and the Judge ordered that he has to pay me arrears. Neither of us had to be in court not that he would have turned up anyway. So, I'm waiting for the arrears. So, last week my Solicitor emailed to say that he is pushing forward with the divorce and still intends to divorce me on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour and he has had the hearing moved to another court in a different part of the country. No idea what that is about............

It is right here in your quote....... He's trying to get the hearing moved away because he has a history in the courts where you have already been.... H is fully aware that, if he goes before the same judge or even in the same court (judges DO talk to each other), he is going to be shot down in flames....

What he probably does NOT understand is that his history and the associated judgements will follow him regardless...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Milly

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #11 on: March 19, 2019, 10:08:32 AM »
Philly, sorry about your H pushing forward with the D. This just happened to me too recently so I know how you must be feeling. But like you, I dusted myself off quite quickly this time. Sometimes I think it might be better to have the D all over with than hanging over my head. But then there's the 'marriage' fear.

Your H's shoes sound like my H's shoes a couple of years ago. My D used to tell me that the boys in her high school wore them. I take it as a text book sign of Replay.

Sorry that he is ignoring the kids and that you are still dealing with your mother's estate. But you sound much better than you did in the summer. I hope this is a new streak for you.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #12 on: March 19, 2019, 12:13:21 PM »
I had somehow lost your thread Philly. But I am back to the party now... catching up.

A few notes. Even slow progress is progress.  I find that if I get up each day and make a list of 3 things that I must get done that day and focus on doing just those 3 things I get more done and am less overwhelmed by the 100 things on the master list of things to do.

I have been divorced for a year now. Same divorce - no discussion, no goodbye, no thanks for the memories.  I must say the divorce itself was quite stressful but afterward, when it is over, there was great sense of relief and being free from the drama of the whole thing. I no longer have to worry about what he is out there doing - it is all on him. And he appears no happier than he was a year ago.

Your H is just trying to get in front of a new judge that will be nicer to him... not going to happen. He is just spinning his wheels. The facts are the facts no matter what court he is in.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Treasur

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #13 on: March 19, 2019, 01:34:16 PM »
Philly, I think you are doing pretty darned well considering what you have had on your plate. Just like DF says, divorce was the same for me. Never imagined that it would come as a relief, never imagined getting divorced at all let alone wanting it done, but not having the drama, l's letters or being forced to interact was a relief.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a time

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #14 on: March 19, 2019, 03:30:38 PM »
Attaching
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online stillbaffled

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #15 on: March 19, 2019, 08:28:37 PM »
PG - another person here who had a divorce as described above.  It seems to be a popular chapter from the MLC playbook. 

You will get through it - we're here supporting you. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Whyus

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #16 on: March 20, 2019, 12:53:44 AM »
Hi PG, I too felt alot better after the D. I never wanted this, i married for life but XW destroyed that Vision and our future which we pretty much had sorted and it could have been very comfortable.

Is he allowed to Change to a court in another part of the Country? I am honestly not so sure that he can do that without your consent. Would you both have to be in court for the D to be final? If so, why would you have to travel to the Courts? He left and moved away so the Courts should be where you are and where he was surely.
This makes no sence to me whatsoever but laws are different everywhere and lets face it, most laws concerning D are total BS.

Another question (sorry but im a Little confused by your Situation).
Why is he Divorcing you "on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour"? Were you unrealonable?, If not you have to fight this, he was unreasonable, he had an A and abondoned his W and Kids. This is a Little crazy. i would be at my Lawyers with These questions if i was you, you dont have to do this his way and at his convienience.

I am sorry that this is happeneing, he is a real jerk, worse than most here. Again, I am so grateful that my Boys were older when the Aliens replaced XW, i dont know how you do this with small Kids and Little to no Support.
I Salute you PG, respect. Things will eventually get better PG and the D will be a massive weight lifted from your shoulders as the financials should be sorted by then too.
I wouldnt normally write this but in you case, Take the twat for every penny that you can! You and your Kids deserve it.
 
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline PhiladelphiagirlTopic starter

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #17 on: March 28, 2019, 12:04:48 PM »
Thanks everyone, I will reply properly later when my head is not so all over the place. My maintenance hearing was in court again yesterday and H had not paid in the way he was supposed to or the amount he was supposed to and he didn't show up or contact the court - so the Judge has issued a bench warrant for his arrest to force him to appear and explain himself. A few years ago I would have told you that he was the best Dad ever...………..not so much now.

Love and support to all, PG xxx

Offline Treasur

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #18 on: March 28, 2019, 12:25:42 PM »
Well, Philly, just more MLC script stuff. Sorry though bc it is exhausting.
I honestly think as WhyUs says that we get to a point where it all gets so crazy and exhausting that, unimaginable as it once was, we just want the divorce over with so they can go away and take their crazy s$it with them.
I'm pleased though that the judge is not giving him a pass. How long does that give him?

And yes, like all of them, no matter how great a husband or dad he was before this - and many truly were - he isn't even a passing grade one now.
« Last Edit: March 28, 2019, 12:28:11 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Milly

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #19 on: March 28, 2019, 01:54:45 PM »
Oh, Philly, I'm sorry your H didn't show up to the maintenance hearing. What a baby. These MLCers think the law doesn't apply to them. I love your judge, though.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #20 on: March 28, 2019, 02:05:48 PM »
Did he think he would get away with not showing up? I'm very glad the the warrant was issued, it will show him there are consequences for being irresponsible!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline sachat3

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #21 on: March 29, 2019, 03:40:21 AM »
I think that’s the scariest thing about MLC how it can completely change a person. Atleast you have a judge who is on the ball with these things!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline PhiladelphiagirlTopic starter

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #22 on: March 30, 2019, 11:39:17 AM »
Thanks for all of your comments. They really help. I am struggling today with lots of conflicting feelings.

UM it's a bit more complicated as we are in different countries. The kids are here with me and so I issued proceedings for maintenance here last year when H failed to pay anything for eight months. At the same time I received divorce papers from him in the UK and he has now moved the hearing to a court an hours drive from any airport. I cannot issue divorce proceedings here as he has issued them there. I should have issued here first but obviously I was still at the I do not want to get divorced - let's see what happens state of mind!!!! It's all about money as notably he hasn't made any application here to see the kids.

Whyus - that made me laugh - take him for every penny! I can object to him moving the court but have no idea whether that will work. 

Treasure I'm not sure how long he has as apparently the Judge was annoyed that he doesn't seem to think that the rules apply to him.

Milly, yes he is a very fair Judge, when I initially made the application he took what I said at face value (it was all true) and said it was up to my H to attend and argue his own case - he obviously didn't bother as he hasn't turned up to any hearing.

One Day - yes I think that the arrest warrant will be a shock to him, maybe a bit of his arrogance will diminish!

Sachat - yes, the Judge was on the ball and for that I am grateful.

DF - I am trying the 3 things a day thing as I am very overwhelmed.

Thanks for following along StillB - don't want to leave you out!

So, H is to be arrested due to ignoring the court order and I feel terrible. It has put into sharp focus what a mess this is. My friend emailed and said it had turned into a clusterfXXX! That about sums it up. It has really knocked me this week and I am frightened of his reaction, I also feel bad that this has happened even though I know that it is not my fault. I suppose that that is because I know that he is not acting rationally. My H before MLC would never have ignored a court order or ignored his kids for over a year.

So, I am frozen again. I have unopened letters and have not achieved anything this week. I have stopped sleeping well and generally feel very anxious. From a financial point of view this divorce is going to be a nightmare and behind it all are 2 11 year olds who miss their Dad. What a mess he has made of all of this.

I need to focus again and keep going. If I hadn't chased the arrears this would not have happened but I did. Wish that I was better at standing up for myself. He's divorcing me on unreasonable behaviour so do I a) just let him do that even though his reasons were majorly fabricated and centred on me being mad, (even though he left the kids with me) or b) fight even though I am exhausted to the point of collapse.

Had I known now how he would have acted I would have issued proceedings here not long after he left, I  was just too busy missing him, was traumatised, worried about the kids and basically wanted him to come back. I suppose that that is the reality of this week - he will be arrested at work as he refused to give me an address for him so I doubt very much if he is ever going to speak to me again - never mind come home! Still think that I did the right thing though.

Love and support to all, confused PG xxx


     
 

 

Offline xyzcf

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #23 on: March 30, 2019, 11:54:16 AM »
Hello PA,

I remember, having my husband served at our home, right around dinner time..the doorbell ringing, his answering as I made "busy" in the kitchen...I never would have thought it possible that it would come to this...but it did.

I had to learn to separate the "business" from my emotions. He is a top negotiator and I felt over powered by his ability to negotiate a "deal".... and I didn't want this...so much didn't want this.

Eventually, the dust settles..it takes time as you know....you do not need to feel bad about going after what is your right, the money that he is required to pay for yourself and the welfare of your children.

Intellectually, you know this, but our hearts are another matter.

I am sorry you are facing this.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline One day at a time

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #24 on: March 31, 2019, 02:49:10 AM »
Philly... As the saying goes "Hindsight is 20/20" .. You didn't know what was going to happen so you did the best you could do at that time with the information (or feelings) you had.. All you can do now is look at the current situation and see if there's something you can do to improve it.. Can you get the hearing moved somewhere closer to an airport even? Do you have to agree to the move he requested?

Fighting the "unreasonable behavior" divorce it's really up to you.. If I was in that situation I would look at what are the pros and cons of fighting.. will I get a better settlement? or am I doing it only out of pride? Am I using it as an excuse to delay something I don't want? How much more could the fight cost me? Will the fight see me entangled in an endless series of count hearings, etc? How would that serve me in the long run? I would suggest you talk to your lawyer and see what he/she recommends as well..

As for your H getting arrested, it is NOT your fault at all. He did that to himself. First, he didn't pay the money he was supposed to. This is money you need for yourself and your kids, it was his obligation to provide.. Second, he had a count date that he decided to ignore.  Consequence of HIS actions, not yours.



H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline sachat3

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #25 on: March 31, 2019, 03:40:12 AM »
I don’t really understand divorce. Lucky old me never got married so no need for divorce. However, what I would say is this, pick your battles wisely!

How important is fighting the reason for divorce. What does it change for you and the kids? If it doesn’t change anything don’t waste your energy. Let him win that battle
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Treasur

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #26 on: March 31, 2019, 04:04:04 AM »
Completely recognise that feeling of 'omg, what an insane mess this is'...and all the anxiety and frozen reaction that goes with it.

If it helps, try to separate out YOUR bit of the mess and HIS bit of the mess.
And then what you can control or change in your bit of the mess.

So, for instance, him not paying maintenance, ignoring the court and getting an arrest warrant is entirely HIS mess. The only control you had in that would have been to decide that your kids didn't warrant maintenance or that it was ok with you if he didn't want to pay it or that you had so much money you didn't need it. Don't think you should feel guilty about consequences of HIS choices though imho.

Your choice - for good reasons at the time - to not file meant he got to choose when and where to file. So, that was a consequence of your choice and although you might regret it now, you can't change it. Equally you can't blame him for the inconvenience of that much as you don't like it. What can you control? Well, how you respond, what you do aboust custody etc and the whole 'unreasonable behaviour' list. Fwiw, it is an unpleasant reality of uk divorce law thatbpeople can say pretty much whatever reasons they choose and no one cares. Now you can decide to contest it or counter-sue for adultery say, but I would suggest that this is throwing good money and energy after bad. If he wants a divorce and wants to say it was bc you tap danced at midnight while he was trying to sleep or never supported his career....pfft, in time doesn't matter, just more ridiculousness...but money, maintenance and custody of your children? They all matter a great deal and will matter in years to come when you (and probably he) can no longer even remember the list of your purported unreasonable behaviour. Do you have a decent UK lawyer?

If it helps, my vanishing xh who essentially ended our marriage by refusing to talk to me cited one of the reasons as being that I refused to talk to him about our relationship issues and this made him feel unvalued.... ::)...oh and that I didn't support his career. (Of course I had no way to talk about an issue like ow as I didn't know she existed...and of course couldn't support his career like a co-worker ow could lol..,,that would be the carreer we had moved house for in 2012 and the career I encouraged him to take a new job working away from home during the week while my father was dying, y'know that one  >:()

Your h is an idiot in crisis who is throwing his family away and trying to do so without honouring his adult obligations. Let him go but focus on everything that keeps you and your kids protected and safe. If you are standing, divorce and self protection won't prevent him coming back if he wants to. Most LBS I think say they regret not acting on the divorce earlier bc MLCers behaviour and entitlement often gets worse as time goes by.
« Last Edit: March 31, 2019, 04:16:05 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online karmirtsaghik

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #27 on: March 31, 2019, 10:52:15 AM »
Phillie,

I am in complete agreement of what Treasur wrote. I also wished that I filled in 2015. I would have been a couple of hundred thousand US dollars wealthier and would have been able to safe my portion of retirement. It is what it is now. Luckily I was able to find a good job and am now financially independent. This is in spite of being almost 10 years out of workplace.

I like Treasur put all my energy, connections, resources in popping up my MLCH's career. Even though I have a good job now, is still pays at the level of my salary of 2007. But again it is in the past, I cannot control it or re-determine it. What I can do is to prevent this happening in the future and continue building good life for me and my kids.

I would consult my attorney to see what remedies you have should he move the court proceedings. I am not aware with the laws in UK or where you are located pertaining to divorce, but where I am (Maryland) it is a no-fault divorce state, i.e. one can divorce for whatever reason. At the end of the day you should not defend yourself as being reasonable and him being unreasonable. It is waste of money and time. He wants divorce, he will get it with the set of responsibilities it comes with. (child support, alimony,  controlled visitations, distribution of assets, etc). As XYZ said, treat it like a business deal. I know it is difficult but know that you will be fighting for your kids financial security.

You should try to minimize the impact on yourself and children, as it is obvious your MLCH could care less. Try to take good care of yourself and know that it will get better over time. You have come a long way.

Hugs to you Phillie.

Offline PhiladelphiagirlTopic starter

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #28 on: April 02, 2019, 10:46:30 AM »
Thanks XYZCf, One Day, Sachat, Treasur and Karmi…...really appreciate you following along.

Well, still waiting for H to appear in court on the back of the bench warrant. Do not feel good about that at all but not my circus etc. Yes XY I am working on separating `business' from emotions. At the end of the day he has no interest at all in parenting the kids so I need to protect them as best I can.

One Day - I think that I am going to object to where the divorce has been moved to. I am going to chat with my Solicitor. My H is still ignoring anything legal.

Sachat - I hear you about picking my battles, I just wish that I had more energy to be proactive.

Treasur - yes I hate that frozen reaction to everything. I haven't been able to achieve anything for days but have got a few things done today. I've got legal aid but I understand what you say about the divorce. I don't suppose it matters in the long run. I think that I get upset because of the things he put on the petition and then think he is malicious for no reason, and then remind myself that he is in crisis. As you say an idiot in crisis.

Karmi - I agree that it is what it is, luckily I didn't agree to the sale of our house 10 months after BD, I would have lost out financially. I am trying to focus on it being a business deal.

So, I suppose that the bench warrant and his total lack of respect for the court procedure (relating to our children) means that he is a mess. He wouldn't have had to pay all of the arrears in one go, all he had to do was turn up and arrange instalments. Ignoring the Judge was not the best course of action. I need to press ahead and sort out the other financials now. It just keeps occurring to me that I am running from the finality of it because I don't/didn't want to be divorced and for my kids to grow up from aged 9 with no Dad - but it is what it is - and I also know that as he is a mess sorting it all out is not going to be easy. But, I have to pressurise myself to move forward now. Thanks everyone, maybe I will feel better once the divorce is finalised.

Love and support to all, PG xxx


 

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #29 on: April 02, 2019, 07:01:24 PM »
You will feel a sense of relief after the divorce is finalized. But be prepared to begin a level of grieving that you were unable to do during the stress of a crazy divorce. Like you I never wanted my kids to be raised in a broken home .. but it is what it is.

Just keep your business hat on and keep moving forward. Some days it will feel like plodding along in quicksand but that is ok. Tell your lawyer what you need.. a break, help, time, money. Whatever... just speak up and keep yourself and your kids as the number one priority. Pain is pain...and you have your plate full. Take time for your healing.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Whyus

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #30 on: April 02, 2019, 11:39:24 PM »
Its crazy reading how expensive a D can be.
I filed for our D, our home was already sold and the Money split, the Boys were Young adults and XW earns her own Money.
She didnt have a lawyer, she paid 50 of my costs as I had explained to her that we have no "fight", ist just a D.
It cost us 1,200 EUR each which is Peanuts really.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Treasur

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #31 on: April 03, 2019, 01:13:32 AM »
DF is quite right.
You plod through this bit and then there is a new stage when the divorce is done.
I susoect bc the external pressure is gone, there is a time to stop, catch your breath and grieve a bit. It does get easier. Others told me that and they were right. Not perfect, but easier and easier to focus your eye and energy on more useful things.
Stick with it, my friend....the pain of this stage is finite x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline PhiladelphiagirlTopic starter

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #32 on: April 15, 2019, 02:13:10 PM »
Thanks everyone...…….

Journaling.....

Well, so the decree nisi has been issued. I can get legal aid in the UK if I can prove that there was domestic violence in our marriage (I can) but it will take a while to sort out. The maintenance for the kids is still being paid (arrest warrant still in existence!) I have realised over the last few days that I have made things worse for myself by trying to ignore H's divorce in the UK and I am still upset by the crap that he wrote on his application - but - having had lots of support (thank you other LBS here) I am now ready to face it all head on. Given that H has no interest at all in our kids I don't suppose that he sees the divorce as anything important either. So, my dilemma now is whether to stick it out and get legal aid (where they would negotiate with H and me over the phone/email) or pay for a decent Solicitor in the UK and just get it all sorted out as soon as possible.

I woke up at 4.30am on Saturday and my mind/gut instinct - whatever you call it - was telling me to just pay for a Solicitor and that I needed to act now. My Mum left me a little money when she died last year so I can do this and maybe that will be a good use of the money given what a mess my H now is. If he doesn't care whether his kids have money for food he's not going to care about much really. So, I am seeing my Solicitor here tomorrow to make a will in case anything happens to me before I am divorced.

Does anyone who has dealt with the legal aid system in the UK have any advice as to how good it was etc. I feel that by standing up for myself (yet again) and given that my H is about to be arrested at any point I doubt very much if he is going to be open to friendly negotiation with regards to our other assets...……..

I think that for me, this is detachment. I am tired, I had to look back at some of H's early emails just after BD for my Solicitor today and they are the ramblings of madness. I couldn't really see how mad they were during the initial trauma. The stress of the last 2 years has taken its toll on my health. I just want some peace now. My H has his new shiny life and freedom (well freedom until he gets arrested anyway)! He is obviously still in some state of confusion as he seems to think that he can avoid splitting our assets just because he doesn't want to.

In other news (as of last Thurs) I have a book contract (legal textbook - nothing exciting) to do a new edition of my text, kids are off for Easter and are doing well, I have bought a few new items of clothes and am still busy finding out who I am again...……

Love and support to all, PG xxx

 
« Last Edit: April 15, 2019, 02:16:24 PM by Philadelphiagirl »

Offline Whyus

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #33 on: April 15, 2019, 11:18:13 PM »
Hang on in there phili, I have no advice and this will be a rough time but a large Portion of peace is waiting on the other side for you and your Kids.
Its a shame that you may have to use your mams Money for the Divorce, im sure you had better plans for it.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Milly

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #34 on: April 16, 2019, 12:44:36 AM »
Can't advise either, Philly, as I'm not in the UK. I have gone through stages where I just wanted the D over with and money sorted, too. My H also has an arrest warrant for not paying maintenance. Honestly, I don't want him to go to jail, though. I'm sure he'd lose his job and that's not really going to help anyone and also, I don't want my S to have a father in jail. I don't think that will help him psychologically. I know he'd never be able to tell his friends, he'd be mortified.

If you have assets, I can understand that you would want that side sorted. I guess it all depends on whether you can afford to keep living the way you are right now, or not. The fact that your H is totally uninterested in your kids, is just plain MLC.

Congratulations on your book contract! The fact it's a legal text book is very impressive to me!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline sachat3

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #35 on: April 16, 2019, 02:07:06 AM »
Congratulations on your new textbook. Some good news is always good for us. I haven’t been divorced but I know H used legal aid for something (years ago) and it was a good solicitor he was given. I’ve also had a friend - I use that term lightly, use legal aid in family court and things always went her way! So I do think the legal aid in Uk is good.

However, you said your gut tells you to hire a solicitor. I would do that. I always always always follow my gut. It’s never wrong.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Treasur

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #36 on: April 16, 2019, 02:18:36 AM »
I agree with sachat.
I think your gut is telling you that negotiating with your h is a bit futile and that you want to take back some control over your life. When our gut shouts loudly and clearly, it is rarely wrong imho. And if I was your mother, I would see using the money to move forward to a better easier life for you and your daughter to be a good gift.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #37 on: April 16, 2019, 10:08:41 AM »
Congrat on the book deal!! Wonderful news!!

You seem to be getting things done and moving forward. Given your H's history, I would use the money from your Mom to hire the Solicitor and get is sorted and get your freedom. He is not capable of being friendly or rational.  I was glad I plowed ahead... although it was painful... I felt like I took some of my power back. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

 

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