Author Topic: My Story What has happened to my life? - Part 6!  (Read 906 times)

Offline One day at a time

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My Story Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #20 on: March 28, 2019, 02:05:48 PM »
Did he think he would get away with not showing up? I'm very glad the the warrant was issued, it will show him there are consequences for being irresponsible!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline sachat3

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #21 on: March 29, 2019, 03:40:21 AM »
I think that’s the scariest thing about MLC how it can completely change a person. Atleast you have a judge who is on the ball with these things!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline PhiladelphiagirlTopic starter

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #22 on: March 30, 2019, 11:39:17 AM »
Thanks for all of your comments. They really help. I am struggling today with lots of conflicting feelings.

UM it's a bit more complicated as we are in different countries. The kids are here with me and so I issued proceedings for maintenance here last year when H failed to pay anything for eight months. At the same time I received divorce papers from him in the UK and he has now moved the hearing to a court an hours drive from any airport. I cannot issue divorce proceedings here as he has issued them there. I should have issued here first but obviously I was still at the I do not want to get divorced - let's see what happens state of mind!!!! It's all about money as notably he hasn't made any application here to see the kids.

Whyus - that made me laugh - take him for every penny! I can object to him moving the court but have no idea whether that will work. 

Treasure I'm not sure how long he has as apparently the Judge was annoyed that he doesn't seem to think that the rules apply to him.

Milly, yes he is a very fair Judge, when I initially made the application he took what I said at face value (it was all true) and said it was up to my H to attend and argue his own case - he obviously didn't bother as he hasn't turned up to any hearing.

One Day - yes I think that the arrest warrant will be a shock to him, maybe a bit of his arrogance will diminish!

Sachat - yes, the Judge was on the ball and for that I am grateful.

DF - I am trying the 3 things a day thing as I am very overwhelmed.

Thanks for following along StillB - don't want to leave you out!

So, H is to be arrested due to ignoring the court order and I feel terrible. It has put into sharp focus what a mess this is. My friend emailed and said it had turned into a clusterfXXX! That about sums it up. It has really knocked me this week and I am frightened of his reaction, I also feel bad that this has happened even though I know that it is not my fault. I suppose that that is because I know that he is not acting rationally. My H before MLC would never have ignored a court order or ignored his kids for over a year.

So, I am frozen again. I have unopened letters and have not achieved anything this week. I have stopped sleeping well and generally feel very anxious. From a financial point of view this divorce is going to be a nightmare and behind it all are 2 11 year olds who miss their Dad. What a mess he has made of all of this.

I need to focus again and keep going. If I hadn't chased the arrears this would not have happened but I did. Wish that I was better at standing up for myself. He's divorcing me on unreasonable behaviour so do I a) just let him do that even though his reasons were majorly fabricated and centred on me being mad, (even though he left the kids with me) or b) fight even though I am exhausted to the point of collapse.

Had I known now how he would have acted I would have issued proceedings here not long after he left, I  was just too busy missing him, was traumatised, worried about the kids and basically wanted him to come back. I suppose that that is the reality of this week - he will be arrested at work as he refused to give me an address for him so I doubt very much if he is ever going to speak to me again - never mind come home! Still think that I did the right thing though.

Love and support to all, confused PG xxx


     
 

 

Offline xyzcf

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #23 on: March 30, 2019, 11:54:16 AM »
Hello PA,

I remember, having my husband served at our home, right around dinner time..the doorbell ringing, his answering as I made "busy" in the kitchen...I never would have thought it possible that it would come to this...but it did.

I had to learn to separate the "business" from my emotions. He is a top negotiator and I felt over powered by his ability to negotiate a "deal".... and I didn't want this...so much didn't want this.

Eventually, the dust settles..it takes time as you know....you do not need to feel bad about going after what is your right, the money that he is required to pay for yourself and the welfare of your children.

Intellectually, you know this, but our hearts are another matter.

I am sorry you are facing this.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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Offline One day at a time

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #24 on: March 31, 2019, 02:49:10 AM »
Philly... As the saying goes "Hindsight is 20/20" .. You didn't know what was going to happen so you did the best you could do at that time with the information (or feelings) you had.. All you can do now is look at the current situation and see if there's something you can do to improve it.. Can you get the hearing moved somewhere closer to an airport even? Do you have to agree to the move he requested?

Fighting the "unreasonable behavior" divorce it's really up to you.. If I was in that situation I would look at what are the pros and cons of fighting.. will I get a better settlement? or am I doing it only out of pride? Am I using it as an excuse to delay something I don't want? How much more could the fight cost me? Will the fight see me entangled in an endless series of count hearings, etc? How would that serve me in the long run? I would suggest you talk to your lawyer and see what he/she recommends as well..

As for your H getting arrested, it is NOT your fault at all. He did that to himself. First, he didn't pay the money he was supposed to. This is money you need for yourself and your kids, it was his obligation to provide.. Second, he had a count date that he decided to ignore.  Consequence of HIS actions, not yours.



H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline sachat3

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #25 on: March 31, 2019, 03:40:12 AM »
I don’t really understand divorce. Lucky old me never got married so no need for divorce. However, what I would say is this, pick your battles wisely!

How important is fighting the reason for divorce. What does it change for you and the kids? If it doesn’t change anything don’t waste your energy. Let him win that battle
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Treasur

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #26 on: March 31, 2019, 04:04:04 AM »
Completely recognise that feeling of 'omg, what an insane mess this is'...and all the anxiety and frozen reaction that goes with it.

If it helps, try to separate out YOUR bit of the mess and HIS bit of the mess.
And then what you can control or change in your bit of the mess.

So, for instance, him not paying maintenance, ignoring the court and getting an arrest warrant is entirely HIS mess. The only control you had in that would have been to decide that your kids didn't warrant maintenance or that it was ok with you if he didn't want to pay it or that you had so much money you didn't need it. Don't think you should feel guilty about consequences of HIS choices though imho.

Your choice - for good reasons at the time - to not file meant he got to choose when and where to file. So, that was a consequence of your choice and although you might regret it now, you can't change it. Equally you can't blame him for the inconvenience of that much as you don't like it. What can you control? Well, how you respond, what you do aboust custody etc and the whole 'unreasonable behaviour' list. Fwiw, it is an unpleasant reality of uk divorce law thatbpeople can say pretty much whatever reasons they choose and no one cares. Now you can decide to contest it or counter-sue for adultery say, but I would suggest that this is throwing good money and energy after bad. If he wants a divorce and wants to say it was bc you tap danced at midnight while he was trying to sleep or never supported his career....pfft, in time doesn't matter, just more ridiculousness...but money, maintenance and custody of your children? They all matter a great deal and will matter in years to come when you (and probably he) can no longer even remember the list of your purported unreasonable behaviour. Do you have a decent UK lawyer?

If it helps, my vanishing xh who essentially ended our marriage by refusing to talk to me cited one of the reasons as being that I refused to talk to him about our relationship issues and this made him feel unvalued.... ::)...oh and that I didn't support his career. (Of course I had no way to talk about an issue like ow as I didn't know she existed...and of course couldn't support his career like a co-worker ow could lol..,,that would be the carreer we had moved house for in 2012 and the career I encouraged him to take a new job working away from home during the week while my father was dying, y'know that one  >:()

Your h is an idiot in crisis who is throwing his family away and trying to do so without honouring his adult obligations. Let him go but focus on everything that keeps you and your kids protected and safe. If you are standing, divorce and self protection won't prevent him coming back if he wants to. Most LBS I think say they regret not acting on the divorce earlier bc MLCers behaviour and entitlement often gets worse as time goes by.
« Last Edit: March 31, 2019, 04:16:05 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline karmirtsaghik

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #27 on: March 31, 2019, 10:52:15 AM »
Phillie,

I am in complete agreement of what Treasur wrote. I also wished that I filled in 2015. I would have been a couple of hundred thousand US dollars wealthier and would have been able to safe my portion of retirement. It is what it is now. Luckily I was able to find a good job and am now financially independent. This is in spite of being almost 10 years out of workplace.

I like Treasur put all my energy, connections, resources in popping up my MLCH's career. Even though I have a good job now, is still pays at the level of my salary of 2007. But again it is in the past, I cannot control it or re-determine it. What I can do is to prevent this happening in the future and continue building good life for me and my kids.

I would consult my attorney to see what remedies you have should he move the court proceedings. I am not aware with the laws in UK or where you are located pertaining to divorce, but where I am (Maryland) it is a no-fault divorce state, i.e. one can divorce for whatever reason. At the end of the day you should not defend yourself as being reasonable and him being unreasonable. It is waste of money and time. He wants divorce, he will get it with the set of responsibilities it comes with. (child support, alimony,  controlled visitations, distribution of assets, etc). As XYZ said, treat it like a business deal. I know it is difficult but know that you will be fighting for your kids financial security.

You should try to minimize the impact on yourself and children, as it is obvious your MLCH could care less. Try to take good care of yourself and know that it will get better over time. You have come a long way.

Hugs to you Phillie.

Offline PhiladelphiagirlTopic starter

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #28 on: April 02, 2019, 10:46:30 AM »
Thanks XYZCf, One Day, Sachat, Treasur and Karmi…...really appreciate you following along.

Well, still waiting for H to appear in court on the back of the bench warrant. Do not feel good about that at all but not my circus etc. Yes XY I am working on separating `business' from emotions. At the end of the day he has no interest at all in parenting the kids so I need to protect them as best I can.

One Day - I think that I am going to object to where the divorce has been moved to. I am going to chat with my Solicitor. My H is still ignoring anything legal.

Sachat - I hear you about picking my battles, I just wish that I had more energy to be proactive.

Treasur - yes I hate that frozen reaction to everything. I haven't been able to achieve anything for days but have got a few things done today. I've got legal aid but I understand what you say about the divorce. I don't suppose it matters in the long run. I think that I get upset because of the things he put on the petition and then think he is malicious for no reason, and then remind myself that he is in crisis. As you say an idiot in crisis.

Karmi - I agree that it is what it is, luckily I didn't agree to the sale of our house 10 months after BD, I would have lost out financially. I am trying to focus on it being a business deal.

So, I suppose that the bench warrant and his total lack of respect for the court procedure (relating to our children) means that he is a mess. He wouldn't have had to pay all of the arrears in one go, all he had to do was turn up and arrange instalments. Ignoring the Judge was not the best course of action. I need to press ahead and sort out the other financials now. It just keeps occurring to me that I am running from the finality of it because I don't/didn't want to be divorced and for my kids to grow up from aged 9 with no Dad - but it is what it is - and I also know that as he is a mess sorting it all out is not going to be easy. But, I have to pressurise myself to move forward now. Thanks everyone, maybe I will feel better once the divorce is finalised.

Love and support to all, PG xxx


 

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #29 on: April 02, 2019, 07:01:24 PM »
You will feel a sense of relief after the divorce is finalized. But be prepared to begin a level of grieving that you were unable to do during the stress of a crazy divorce. Like you I never wanted my kids to be raised in a broken home .. but it is what it is.

Just keep your business hat on and keep moving forward. Some days it will feel like plodding along in quicksand but that is ok. Tell your lawyer what you need.. a break, help, time, money. Whatever... just speak up and keep yourself and your kids as the number one priority. Pain is pain...and you have your plate full. Take time for your healing.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

 

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