Author Topic: My Story What has happened to my life? - Part 6!  (Read 1434 times)

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3148
  • Gender: Male
My Story Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #30 on: April 02, 2019, 11:39:24 PM »
Its crazy reading how expensive a D can be.
I filed for our D, our home was already sold and the Money split, the Boys were Young adults and XW earns her own Money.
She didnt have a lawyer, she paid 50 of my costs as I had explained to her that we have no "fight", ist just a D.
It cost us 1,200 EUR each which is Peanuts really.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #31 on: April 03, 2019, 01:13:32 AM »
DF is quite right.
You plod through this bit and then there is a new stage when the divorce is done.
I susoect bc the external pressure is gone, there is a time to stop, catch your breath and grieve a bit. It does get easier. Others told me that and they were right. Not perfect, but easier and easier to focus your eye and energy on more useful things.
Stick with it, my friend....the pain of this stage is finite x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline PhiladelphiagirlTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 449
  • Gender: Female
Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #32 on: April 15, 2019, 02:13:10 PM »
Thanks everyone...…….

Journaling.....

Well, so the decree nisi has been issued. I can get legal aid in the UK if I can prove that there was domestic violence in our marriage (I can) but it will take a while to sort out. The maintenance for the kids is still being paid (arrest warrant still in existence!) I have realised over the last few days that I have made things worse for myself by trying to ignore H's divorce in the UK and I am still upset by the crap that he wrote on his application - but - having had lots of support (thank you other LBS here) I am now ready to face it all head on. Given that H has no interest at all in our kids I don't suppose that he sees the divorce as anything important either. So, my dilemma now is whether to stick it out and get legal aid (where they would negotiate with H and me over the phone/email) or pay for a decent Solicitor in the UK and just get it all sorted out as soon as possible.

I woke up at 4.30am on Saturday and my mind/gut instinct - whatever you call it - was telling me to just pay for a Solicitor and that I needed to act now. My Mum left me a little money when she died last year so I can do this and maybe that will be a good use of the money given what a mess my H now is. If he doesn't care whether his kids have money for food he's not going to care about much really. So, I am seeing my Solicitor here tomorrow to make a will in case anything happens to me before I am divorced.

Does anyone who has dealt with the legal aid system in the UK have any advice as to how good it was etc. I feel that by standing up for myself (yet again) and given that my H is about to be arrested at any point I doubt very much if he is going to be open to friendly negotiation with regards to our other assets...……..

I think that for me, this is detachment. I am tired, I had to look back at some of H's early emails just after BD for my Solicitor today and they are the ramblings of madness. I couldn't really see how mad they were during the initial trauma. The stress of the last 2 years has taken its toll on my health. I just want some peace now. My H has his new shiny life and freedom (well freedom until he gets arrested anyway)! He is obviously still in some state of confusion as he seems to think that he can avoid splitting our assets just because he doesn't want to.

In other news (as of last Thurs) I have a book contract (legal textbook - nothing exciting) to do a new edition of my text, kids are off for Easter and are doing well, I have bought a few new items of clothes and am still busy finding out who I am again...……

Love and support to all, PG xxx

 
« Last Edit: April 15, 2019, 02:16:24 PM by Philadelphiagirl »

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3148
  • Gender: Male
Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #33 on: April 15, 2019, 11:18:13 PM »
Hang on in there phili, I have no advice and this will be a rough time but a large Portion of peace is waiting on the other side for you and your Kids.
Its a shame that you may have to use your mams Money for the Divorce, im sure you had better plans for it.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2439
  • Gender: Female
Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #34 on: April 16, 2019, 12:44:36 AM »
Can't advise either, Philly, as I'm not in the UK. I have gone through stages where I just wanted the D over with and money sorted, too. My H also has an arrest warrant for not paying maintenance. Honestly, I don't want him to go to jail, though. I'm sure he'd lose his job and that's not really going to help anyone and also, I don't want my S to have a father in jail. I don't think that will help him psychologically. I know he'd never be able to tell his friends, he'd be mortified.

If you have assets, I can understand that you would want that side sorted. I guess it all depends on whether you can afford to keep living the way you are right now, or not. The fact that your H is totally uninterested in your kids, is just plain MLC.

Congratulations on your book contract! The fact it's a legal text book is very impressive to me!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline sachat3

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 887
  • Gender: Female
Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #35 on: April 16, 2019, 02:07:06 AM »
Congratulations on your new textbook. Some good news is always good for us. I haven’t been divorced but I know H used legal aid for something (years ago) and it was a good solicitor he was given. I’ve also had a friend - I use that term lightly, use legal aid in family court and things always went her way! So I do think the legal aid in Uk is good.

However, you said your gut tells you to hire a solicitor. I would do that. I always always always follow my gut. It’s never wrong.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7414
  • Gender: Female
Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #36 on: April 16, 2019, 02:18:36 AM »
I agree with sachat.
I think your gut is telling you that negotiating with your h is a bit futile and that you want to take back some control over your life. When our gut shouts loudly and clearly, it is rarely wrong imho. And if I was your mother, I would see using the money to move forward to a better easier life for you and your daughter to be a good gift.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Dumbfounded

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2553
  • Gender: Female
Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #37 on: April 16, 2019, 10:08:41 AM »
Congrat on the book deal!! Wonderful news!!

You seem to be getting things done and moving forward. Given your H's history, I would use the money from your Mom to hire the Solicitor and get is sorted and get your freedom. He is not capable of being friendly or rational.  I was glad I plowed ahead... although it was painful... I felt like I took some of my power back. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline PhiladelphiagirlTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 449
  • Gender: Female
Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #38 on: May 26, 2019, 01:40:52 PM »
Well, its been a while since I posted. It has yet again been a challenging few weeks. Thank you so much for all of the support that you have all given through this. Thanks for the congrats on my book contract - I'm not managing to focus on it 100% at the minute but it's amazing that I even got it given the events since BD.

Whyus, yes it is a shame that I am using my Mams' money to get legal help but she knew what had happened before she died, was furious in relation to how H was treating me and the kids and so I think that she would be okay with me using it to get divorced.

Milly, yes it's the zero interest (and I mean zero) in the kids that still leaves me stunned. He is certainly missing out and on the flip side I get days when I think - what is so special about him that he doesn't have to be a parent any more??? Then I remember that even if he was seeing them occasionally it would likely make little difference.

Treasur, yes you are right, no point in trying to negotiate with him, it would be totally futile and I do so much want control back over my own life. Yes, I think that my Mam would agree that it's okay to use her money to move on.

Sachat, thank you and thank you for the info on legal aid.

Dumf - yes, yes, yes - I so much want my freedom and to take my power back.


Thanks again everyone, hope that you are all doing well, I'm following along on your threads. xxx

Journaling…..(bit long and rambling - sorry!)

Well, I am done. I'm not sure if I ever thought that I would get to this stage, and I have had a few false dawns when I thought that I was done and then wasn't but this time it is different. It's weird given how many downright stupid, pathetic, childish and irresponsible things that my H has done that it took something really small to stop me hoping, missing him, and most importantly erased the last bits of respect for him as a human being. I think that once the last bit of respect had gone that was it.

It is nearly 2 1/2 years since BD and I now see those years as a total waste of life. I was just reading another thread where I think it was Off Road (sorry if I'm wrong) said that it wasn't him leaving it was how he left - and that is very much how I feel. I did all of the conciliatory stuff at the beginning re: access to kids, finances etc. and it was all thrown back at me. He always from day 1 made it clear that he did not intend to look after the kids in any real way but would see them when he could (which then turned into 23 days in two and a half years and not since Dec 2017). Let's not forget the comment 2 weeks after he left when he said he couldn't possibly travel to see the kids on a regular basis as he was getting a new car!

As my Solicitor (1) said to me - when someone tells you who they really are believe them.

I don't regret how I have dealt with any of the stages of his madness, and I feel a lot stronger for it. I don't know what happened to him but I do know that he had a very unrealistic agenda when he left that included him basically not being a parent at all but myself and the kids not pointing out that we were not happy with a) him contacting social workers etc.

I have read some comments about entitlement to money from the ML'er. I do feel entitled to money from him. Not for myself, but for OUR children. Just because he ran away to join the circus doesn't mean that they should be any more disadvantaged than they are by not having the love and presence of a Father. I have arranged to go back to full time work but I am taking all of the correct legal avenues to ensure that he has to provide for the kids until they are adults and most especially in the event of my death. Anyway, I went to make a will with Solicitor (1) in this country. She gave me some good advice so I looked up a Solicitor in the UK where our property is in the hope that he would help with the divorce. 

In the last instalment of this really bad saga my H had obtained the decree nisi without entering into any negotiations on kids, money, property etc. I was advised to contact the court (in the area very far far away because he had it moved!!!) to stop him obtaining the decree absolute until the above areas were agreed upon. He is still in maintenance arrears and subject to a bench warrant here.

So, I spent a couple of days drafting my submission to the court and sent it off and emailed it. Then the following day I spoke with Solicitor (2) in the UK and asked if I should let me H know that I had done this and he said yes. Solicitor (2) and I really got along well on the phone and he really seemed to have a quick grasp on what he was dealing with.

Anyway, next day I emailed copies of documents to H, texted him to say I had done this (no idea if he has same number/email address any more) and then texted his best friend (who was our intermediary when he was seeing kids) to say I had done this. Given that I hadn't contacted either of them since last Sept this was strange. Anyway, just after texting his friend I got a response from said friend WHICH WAS MEANT FOR H!

Yes, he had obviously panicked seeing my name and instead of texting his message to H texted me and it basically said - to H - got this today, would like to acknowledge but not if it is going to disadvantage you in any way financially - as we discussed before she probably wants money, let me know whether to respond. I don't want you to be disadvantaged.'

I honestly had not laughed as much in years, and there was the turning point. Here I am with 2 young children who he hasn't seen in forever, still struggling a bit financially and they had obviously already had the discussion about what I may want - as though me going after maintenance last year was a terrible thing for me to have done. And on that day, I stopped caring. I felt as though I was being treated as an idiot and that it is now obvious to me that my H really would rather just disappear totally without having to maintain the kids at all.

I waited a few minutes and then texted the friend and told him he had sent the text to the wrong person. He replied - I'm sorry.

I am dealing with children, while looking after 2 children. So, H has been stopped from getting his divorce for a while until the finances are sorted. Solicitor (2) is on the case. He also pointed out to me (I don't know much about UK divorce law) that instead of sending me the dreaded petition last year out of the blue in which he basically described me as being mentally ill he could have asked me to either agree to a divorce or waited another 4 months and divorced me without my consent. So, his unreasonable behaviour angle was really only to hurt me as much as possible and given that I am solely responsible (with zero family) for the kids is irresponsible to say the least. I know that a lot of us LBS have had similar - petitions out of nowhere experiences!

So, that was the turning point for me and I now just want to be divorced. I cannot waste any more time on this. I don't want another relationship, I just want peace. I spent months thinking that my H would `wake up' and turn up at the door. I cried buckets of tears for the kids and the family that we once were that became dispensable to him overnight. I just cannot accept how he has treated the kids. So, I should get a decent settlement as I put a lot into our finances over the years and I should be divorced very soon. I have found strength that I didn't remember I had - but for any newbies who have been following my mess it does get easier. I was suicidal when my H left and he knew it and did nothing, he continued to wreck havoc when he didn't get his way, contacting social services, the police, kids schools - he left me paralysed by fear with 2 kids in a different country and knew that we were in a really bad way for the first year - he didn't help, he ran to the authorities. I think that because his behaviour was so mad and bizarre I tolerated it for too long, you cannot challenge crazy. I kept telling myself that this wasn't him - BUT IT WAS - he was telling me who he really was - I was just choosing not to listen.

Well, I have heard him now. Whether he continues to be that person remains to be seen, but there is no going back for me. Should he want to be in the kids life in the near future (unlikely) the courts will make that decision and then in time the kids themselves when they are older. Once (about 3 months after he left) I was trying to ask him for structure re: kids on the phone and he said to me - PG I have now been talking to you for over an hour and frankly I have better things to do with my time.

I now have better things to do with my time. This isn't what I wanted but it is what it is. I am proud of myself for holding it together in the face of his madness for 2 1/2 years. I now want to use that strength to make life better for me and the kids. Thank you to anyone who has read this far. I didn't intend to write a long post. Will update when I'm divorced.   

Sending everyone, love and support, and again to newbies, I honestly thought that I would never be happy again once my H left. There is still a lot to be grateful for in my life. It's not the same but I'm working to make it better. It's that dreaded - it takes time - thing again.

Love and support to all, take care, PG xxx   
« Last Edit: May 26, 2019, 01:44:11 PM by Philadelphiagirl »

Online Savoir Faire

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 5252
  • Gender: Female
Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #39 on: May 27, 2019, 03:55:42 AM »
I hope thins go well for you over the next few weeks and you begin to feel some of the peace you need.

The divorce process is never easy although it is often done differently in many countries and difficult to understand how a once happy marriage can dissolve into this mess.  Even worse with any MLCer.

Mist important will be support for the children which I am sure the courts will focus on.

Sending love and hugs for strength.

(((((((((hugs)))))))



"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.