Author Topic: My Story What has happened to my life? - Part 6!  (Read 908 times)

Offline Whyus

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My Story Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #30 on: April 02, 2019, 11:39:24 PM »
Its crazy reading how expensive a D can be.
I filed for our D, our home was already sold and the Money split, the Boys were Young adults and XW earns her own Money.
She didnt have a lawyer, she paid 50 of my costs as I had explained to her that we have no "fight", ist just a D.
It cost us 1,200 EUR each which is Peanuts really.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Treasur

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #31 on: April 03, 2019, 01:13:32 AM »
DF is quite right.
You plod through this bit and then there is a new stage when the divorce is done.
I susoect bc the external pressure is gone, there is a time to stop, catch your breath and grieve a bit. It does get easier. Others told me that and they were right. Not perfect, but easier and easier to focus your eye and energy on more useful things.
Stick with it, my friend....the pain of this stage is finite x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline PhiladelphiagirlTopic starter

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #32 on: April 15, 2019, 02:13:10 PM »
Thanks everyone...…….

Journaling.....

Well, so the decree nisi has been issued. I can get legal aid in the UK if I can prove that there was domestic violence in our marriage (I can) but it will take a while to sort out. The maintenance for the kids is still being paid (arrest warrant still in existence!) I have realised over the last few days that I have made things worse for myself by trying to ignore H's divorce in the UK and I am still upset by the crap that he wrote on his application - but - having had lots of support (thank you other LBS here) I am now ready to face it all head on. Given that H has no interest at all in our kids I don't suppose that he sees the divorce as anything important either. So, my dilemma now is whether to stick it out and get legal aid (where they would negotiate with H and me over the phone/email) or pay for a decent Solicitor in the UK and just get it all sorted out as soon as possible.

I woke up at 4.30am on Saturday and my mind/gut instinct - whatever you call it - was telling me to just pay for a Solicitor and that I needed to act now. My Mum left me a little money when she died last year so I can do this and maybe that will be a good use of the money given what a mess my H now is. If he doesn't care whether his kids have money for food he's not going to care about much really. So, I am seeing my Solicitor here tomorrow to make a will in case anything happens to me before I am divorced.

Does anyone who has dealt with the legal aid system in the UK have any advice as to how good it was etc. I feel that by standing up for myself (yet again) and given that my H is about to be arrested at any point I doubt very much if he is going to be open to friendly negotiation with regards to our other assets...……..

I think that for me, this is detachment. I am tired, I had to look back at some of H's early emails just after BD for my Solicitor today and they are the ramblings of madness. I couldn't really see how mad they were during the initial trauma. The stress of the last 2 years has taken its toll on my health. I just want some peace now. My H has his new shiny life and freedom (well freedom until he gets arrested anyway)! He is obviously still in some state of confusion as he seems to think that he can avoid splitting our assets just because he doesn't want to.

In other news (as of last Thurs) I have a book contract (legal textbook - nothing exciting) to do a new edition of my text, kids are off for Easter and are doing well, I have bought a few new items of clothes and am still busy finding out who I am again...……

Love and support to all, PG xxx

 
« Last Edit: April 15, 2019, 02:16:24 PM by Philadelphiagirl »

Offline Whyus

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #33 on: April 15, 2019, 11:18:13 PM »
Hang on in there phili, I have no advice and this will be a rough time but a large Portion of peace is waiting on the other side for you and your Kids.
Its a shame that you may have to use your mams Money for the Divorce, im sure you had better plans for it.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Milly

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #34 on: April 16, 2019, 12:44:36 AM »
Can't advise either, Philly, as I'm not in the UK. I have gone through stages where I just wanted the D over with and money sorted, too. My H also has an arrest warrant for not paying maintenance. Honestly, I don't want him to go to jail, though. I'm sure he'd lose his job and that's not really going to help anyone and also, I don't want my S to have a father in jail. I don't think that will help him psychologically. I know he'd never be able to tell his friends, he'd be mortified.

If you have assets, I can understand that you would want that side sorted. I guess it all depends on whether you can afford to keep living the way you are right now, or not. The fact that your H is totally uninterested in your kids, is just plain MLC.

Congratulations on your book contract! The fact it's a legal text book is very impressive to me!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline sachat3

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #35 on: April 16, 2019, 02:07:06 AM »
Congratulations on your new textbook. Some good news is always good for us. I haven’t been divorced but I know H used legal aid for something (years ago) and it was a good solicitor he was given. I’ve also had a friend - I use that term lightly, use legal aid in family court and things always went her way! So I do think the legal aid in Uk is good.

However, you said your gut tells you to hire a solicitor. I would do that. I always always always follow my gut. It’s never wrong.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Online Treasur

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #36 on: April 16, 2019, 02:18:36 AM »
I agree with sachat.
I think your gut is telling you that negotiating with your h is a bit futile and that you want to take back some control over your life. When our gut shouts loudly and clearly, it is rarely wrong imho. And if I was your mother, I would see using the money to move forward to a better easier life for you and your daughter to be a good gift.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: What has happened to my life? - Part 6!
« Reply #37 on: April 16, 2019, 10:08:41 AM »
Congrat on the book deal!! Wonderful news!!

You seem to be getting things done and moving forward. Given your H's history, I would use the money from your Mom to hire the Solicitor and get is sorted and get your freedom. He is not capable of being friendly or rational.  I was glad I plowed ahead... although it was painful... I felt like I took some of my power back. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

 

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