Author Topic: My Story Now what?  (Read 1552 times)

Offline KittyTopic starter

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My Story Now what?
« on: January 10, 2019, 06:53:08 AM »
Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10342.0;all

Recap of last 14 months.

BD late October 2017
Legally separated 12/21/17
Found out about OW on 12/22/17
Moved out 12/22/17
6/10/18 (Our 12 year anniversary) - Says he wants to work on us
Backed out 6/15/18
6/30/18 - Again, says he wants to work on us
8/13/18 - Talking about finalizing D
8/31/18 - Had me served
9/28/18 - Doesn't want D, asks me to move back
11/14/18 - Asks me to take my stuff back to my apartment after I found out he took OW on a date
12/16/18 - Asks me to move back home, says he is definitely ready for me to return
1/1/19 - Says he made a mistake and asks if I would leave again
1/3/19 - Says he is going to finalize D again

Lots of bouncing and cycling from Grumpy this year, especially after our anniversary. Up until that point there were no murmurings of returning or working on us.

I believe all the other instances were because he and OW were fighting. He says that 90% of their time together is arguing.

I had gotten to where my focus wasn't on him, I was focusing on myself and getting on with my life and working on things for me. My problem is that I have never really established any boundaries. Something I seriously need to work on for myself, because even if Grumpy goes through with the D this time, I have a feeling he's not going away. He told me once that he could handle the thought of us not being married anymore, but he couldn't handle the thought of me never speaking to him again. This leads me to believe that he will still try to come back. So I need to be strong enough to tell him no. He's burned me too many times the past year, I can't keep letting him do this to me. That's the key, I'm LETTING him.

There is a reason why, I don't know if it's because in a way I'm still needy, or if I'm just hoping that this time is really it. Either way, I need to stop. My goal is to be able to tell him no, if/when he approaches me for a year before I even think about taking him back. Because lets face it, I'm only just over 14 months into this, Grumpy still has a ways to go.

Me 38; H 42
Together 22 years; married 13
No kids, no pets

Grumpy is in an MLC, it doesn't matter what he has said or done. The important thing is, this is all about him and has nothing to do with me.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #1 on: January 10, 2019, 07:09:25 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, Kitty.

You are getting stronger.  It's true your H has not been into his crisis that long.  He has a long way to go yet, unfortunately.  Seems he's still in the confuse stage, not knowing what he wants or doesn't want.  Leave him be.

Just zero in on Kitty for now.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Sunny9876

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #2 on: January 10, 2019, 07:22:36 AM »
Hi Kitty
I haven't replied to your posts before but just came across your new thread and noticed your timings are very similar to mine. My BD was Sept 2017 and D filed exactly the same time. The only difference is my H has seemed to made his decision and moved himself and her down to another state. He has never come back to say he has changed his mind and I wonder whether that's because I have been quite firm in my boundary setting. I told him in Nov 2017 that whilst he was in a relationship with Ow I would not tolerate it and he moved out Dec 2017. I feel my firm boundaries bring out the monster in him though as he doesn't like it and is not used to me doing this.

I will go and read back on your other threads and catch up on your story Kitty but do what is best for you. I feel like I am stronger because of the boundaries, I am very dark, cannot go NC as we have kids but definitely feel this is to my benefit. I would be a complete mess if I was on this rollercoaster with him and self care is my number one priority as well as my kids  :)
Take care
Sunny

Offline FearNot

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #3 on: January 10, 2019, 09:02:27 AM »
Hey Kitty,


There is a reason why, I don't know if it's because in a way I'm still needy, or if I'm just hoping that this time is really it. Either way, I need to stop. My goal is to be able to tell him no, if/when he approaches me for a year before I even think about taking him back. Because lets face it, I'm only just over 14 months into this, Grumpy still has a ways to go.


We have both been at this for the same amount of time, and some days it feels like forever and others like only yesterday. But in the big pic of MLC... still a ways to go.  I too feel torn between the need/want and someday's it's really tough to decipher which it really is. But you are absolutely correct, time to set your boundaries as difficult as it is. I have trouble with that as well and it's in a number areas of life, not just with H. You having done amazingly well, don't beat yourself up about this. There's a big learning curve and sometimes we tend to follow our heart and not our head. I would've done the same thing Kitty. Sometimes we risk it and the return is a kick in the pants. Hang in there girl, eyes back on you!!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2019, 09:23:16 AM »
Hi Sunny and FearNot.

Sunny - When Grumpy is turned away from me and focused solely on OW, I go NC with him. I reached out one time and it was because I needed a new microwave and really I don't know why I did that. Otherwise any contact between us is initiated by him, if he tells me OW is not in the picture I will spend time with him. But as soon as she is back, I let him know I know, which usually results in him asking me to leave. Except for this last time, I knew the frequency of contact was increasing, but I didn't say anything. He couldn't handle the pressure, whether it was from OW, himself or both.

Fear - I've gotten better at establishing boundaries in other parts of my life, if I could just establish boundaries with Grumpy I would be all set. I've always tended to follow my gut, and it's not said anything about boundaries regarding Grumpy until now. All I need is time. LOL.
Me 38; H 42
Together 22 years; married 13
No kids, no pets

Grumpy is in an MLC, it doesn't matter what he has said or done. The important thing is, this is all about him and has nothing to do with me.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #5 on: January 10, 2019, 09:38:07 PM »
Attaching
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2019, 08:50:00 AM »
Still riding along with you Kitty. You do sound stronger and good for you to set clear boundaries and not let him keep bouncing back. You got this. It's all about Kitty now
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2019, 10:43:25 AM »
Following along Kitty .
It's hard to say no . It really is. But we can only get burned so many times.
I think you will see when you do tell him No, your H will most likely keep coming towards you. Like you said, it takes awhile. So no need getting in a hurry.
Hang in there Kitty.

Offline in it

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #8 on: January 11, 2019, 01:35:57 PM »
Yes I think there's been enough of the back and forth thing with zero effort on his part. Enough chances given..you've seen now he's full of BS.
Kitty you need to stay gone this time and not allow him to reel you back in. You are doing way more damage to yourself than you need to.
And yes, you are letting him do this.  What you allow continues.

Have you tried NC yet for any length of time? It will give you time to heal and get perspective. You do need to stop it because he isn't going to. And your heart has been run over enough times.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline KittyTopic starter

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Re: Now what?
« Reply #9 on: January 12, 2019, 09:43:11 PM »
Thanks FaithWalker, Schratz, Helping, and in it.

I am getting stronger all I needed was time. And in time I where be exactly where I need to be. It is hard to tell them no when you are so used to telling them yes.

in it, I have gone NC before back in February 2018. I did it because he was there every day calling and texting me multiple times every day to “check in” wanting to take me to lunch and dinner, and all the while I’m getting messages from other people about him doing things with OW. I saw proof he had been seeing her, and my feelings had told me he was with her and that’s one things that’s never been wrong. Any time he cycles away from me as he is doing now I will not reach out to him, any contact between us is initiated by him.
Me 38; H 42
Together 22 years; married 13
No kids, no pets

Grumpy is in an MLC, it doesn't matter what he has said or done. The important thing is, this is all about him and has nothing to do with me.

 

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