Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story Now what?

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
My Story Now what?
OP: January 10, 2019, 06:53:08 AM
Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10342.0;all

Recap of last 14 months.

BD late October 2017
Legally separated 12/21/17
Found out about OW on 12/22/17
Moved out 12/22/17
6/10/18 (Our 12 year anniversary) - Says he wants to work on us
Backed out 6/15/18
6/30/18 - Again, says he wants to work on us
8/13/18 - Talking about finalizing D
8/31/18 - Had me served
9/28/18 - Doesn't want D, asks me to move back
11/14/18 - Asks me to take my stuff back to my apartment after I found out he took OW on a date
12/16/18 - Asks me to move back home, says he is definitely ready for me to return
1/1/19 - Says he made a mistake and asks if I would leave again
1/3/19 - Says he is going to finalize D again

Lots of bouncing and cycling from Grumpy this year, especially after our anniversary. Up until that point there were no murmurings of returning or working on us.

I believe all the other instances were because he and OW were fighting. He says that 90% of their time together is arguing.

I had gotten to where my focus wasn't on him, I was focusing on myself and getting on with my life and working on things for me. My problem is that I have never really established any boundaries. Something I seriously need to work on for myself, because even if Grumpy goes through with the D this time, I have a feeling he's not going away. He told me once that he could handle the thought of us not being married anymore, but he couldn't handle the thought of me never speaking to him again. This leads me to believe that he will still try to come back. So I need to be strong enough to tell him no. He's burned me too many times the past year, I can't keep letting him do this to me. That's the key, I'm LETTING him.

There is a reason why, I don't know if it's because in a way I'm still needy, or if I'm just hoping that this time is really it. Either way, I need to stop. My goal is to be able to tell him no, if/when he approaches me for a year before I even think about taking him back. Because lets face it, I'm only just over 14 months into this, Grumpy still has a ways to go.

  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23235
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#1: January 10, 2019, 07:09:25 AM
Welcome to your new thread, Kitty.

You are getting stronger.  It's true your H has not been into his crisis that long.  He has a long way to go yet, unfortunately.  Seems he's still in the confuse stage, not knowing what he wants or doesn't want.  Leave him be.

Just zero in on Kitty for now.   :)
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

S
  • **
  • Jr. Member
  • Posts: 61
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#2: January 10, 2019, 07:22:36 AM
Hi Kitty
I haven't replied to your posts before but just came across your new thread and noticed your timings are very similar to mine. My BD was Sept 2017 and D filed exactly the same time. The only difference is my H has seemed to made his decision and moved himself and her down to another state. He has never come back to say he has changed his mind and I wonder whether that's because I have been quite firm in my boundary setting. I told him in Nov 2017 that whilst he was in a relationship with Ow I would not tolerate it and he moved out Dec 2017. I feel my firm boundaries bring out the monster in him though as he doesn't like it and is not used to me doing this.

I will go and read back on your other threads and catch up on your story Kitty but do what is best for you. I feel like I am stronger because of the boundaries, I am very dark, cannot go NC as we have kids but definitely feel this is to my benefit. I would be a complete mess if I was on this rollercoaster with him and self care is my number one priority as well as my kids  :)
Take care
Sunny
  • Logged

F
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 749
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#3: January 10, 2019, 09:02:27 AM
Hey Kitty,


There is a reason why, I don't know if it's because in a way I'm still needy, or if I'm just hoping that this time is really it. Either way, I need to stop. My goal is to be able to tell him no, if/when he approaches me for a year before I even think about taking him back. Because lets face it, I'm only just over 14 months into this, Grumpy still has a ways to go.


We have both been at this for the same amount of time, and some days it feels like forever and others like only yesterday. But in the big pic of MLC... still a ways to go.  I too feel torn between the need/want and someday's it's really tough to decipher which it really is. But you are absolutely correct, time to set your boundaries as difficult as it is. I have trouble with that as well and it's in a number areas of life, not just with H. You having done amazingly well, don't beat yourself up about this. There's a big learning curve and sometimes we tend to follow our heart and not our head. I would've done the same thing Kitty. Sometimes we risk it and the return is a kick in the pants. Hang in there girl, eyes back on you!!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
  • Logged
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#4: January 10, 2019, 09:23:16 AM
Hi Sunny and FearNot.

Sunny - When Grumpy is turned away from me and focused solely on OW, I go NC with him. I reached out one time and it was because I needed a new microwave and really I don't know why I did that. Otherwise any contact between us is initiated by him, if he tells me OW is not in the picture I will spend time with him. But as soon as she is back, I let him know I know, which usually results in him asking me to leave. Except for this last time, I knew the frequency of contact was increasing, but I didn't say anything. He couldn't handle the pressure, whether it was from OW, himself or both.

Fear - I've gotten better at establishing boundaries in other parts of my life, if I could just establish boundaries with Grumpy I would be all set. I've always tended to follow my gut, and it's not said anything about boundaries regarding Grumpy until now. All I need is time. LOL.
  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2491
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#5: January 10, 2019, 09:38:07 PM
Attaching
  • Logged
M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Marrying her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11404.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

S
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1539
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#6: January 11, 2019, 08:50:00 AM
Still riding along with you Kitty. You do sound stronger and good for you to set clear boundaries and not let him keep bouncing back. You got this. It's all about Kitty now
  • Logged
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

H
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2432
  • Gender: Male
Re: Now what?
#7: January 11, 2019, 10:43:25 AM
Following along Kitty .
It's hard to say no . It really is. But we can only get burned so many times.
I think you will see when you do tell him No, your H will most likely keep coming towards you. Like you said, it takes awhile. So no need getting in a hurry.
Hang in there Kitty.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11868
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#8: January 11, 2019, 01:35:57 PM
Yes I think there's been enough of the back and forth thing with zero effort on his part. Enough chances given..you've seen now he's full of BS.
Kitty you need to stay gone this time and not allow him to reel you back in. You are doing way more damage to yourself than you need to.
And yes, you are letting him do this.  What you allow continues.

Have you tried NC yet for any length of time? It will give you time to heal and get perspective. You do need to stop it because he isn't going to. And your heart has been run over enough times.
  • Logged
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#9: January 12, 2019, 09:43:11 PM
Thanks FaithWalker, Schratz, Helping, and in it.

I am getting stronger all I needed was time. And in time I where be exactly where I need to be. It is hard to tell them no when you are so used to telling them yes.

in it, I have gone NC before back in February 2018. I did it because he was there every day calling and texting me multiple times every day to “check in” wanting to take me to lunch and dinner, and all the while I’m getting messages from other people about him doing things with OW. I saw proof he had been seeing her, and my feelings had told me he was with her and that’s one things that’s never been wrong. Any time he cycles away from me as he is doing now I will not reach out to him, any contact between us is initiated by him.
  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#10: January 12, 2019, 10:56:32 PM
Now be warned I have a looooong journaling session ahead. I had quite the eye opening experience tonight in regards to me, Grumpy, and our marriage/relationship. I even gained a bit of insight into his and OW’s relationship.

It started when I went to watch mutual friends who were bowling tonight. I learned that a few days ago Grumpy called the one friend Bowler and told him that the day after I moved in I got angry for no reason, packed up some stuff and left without telling him where I was going.

When I told them what really happened they were livid. They could not understand why Grumpy would tell them something like that when it wasn’t the truth. Then they got talking about how Grumpy has always been one to exaggerate the truth, or tell tall tales to make himself look good.

They then started talking about how they all thought that Grumpy treated me like $h!te for the duration of our relationship. Captain said to me, “Kitty, you may get mad, but you know me I don’t sugar coat things. Grumpy has disrespected you for your entire relationship. I would never ask my wife to take my bowling balls out to our vehicle so I can then tell everyone how well trained I have her.”

To which Bowler piped in, “Plus all the times we’ve gone camping and we watched you run around trying to get dinner done, and then dishes and just when you sit down to relax Grumpy would ask you to get him a drink, when he is sitting right next to the cooler.”

Which is funny because that is an instance both my brother and dad had brought up to me too.

Mrs Bowler told me that maybe they should have said something to Grumpy sooner, that he shouldn’t be treating me the way he does, but they never did because when he was telling people how well trained he had me I would just laugh it off. Plus, it wasn’t their business so they stayed out of it.

I was going to tell them that I had known all these things about Grumpy for along time time, but I didn’t.

Why?

Because they don’t believe in MLC, they think if he was having an MLC he would have bought a sports car and spent a lot of money.

The most important reason though is because I was not ready yet to ask myself why I would stay with someone for 20 some odd years if they were disrespecting me.

So why would I?

HB wrote in one of her articles that the issues the MLCer and the LBS have to face are for the most part the same. In the case of Grumpy exaggerating the truth and telling everyone what a well trained wife he has, it comes down to self esteem/confidence. He doesn’t have any. At BD, I didn’t have any either. But unlike Grumpy who tried to make himself seem better, and show everyone what an obeidient well trained wife he has, I accepted the fact that I was less than everyone else and tried to do whatever I could to make people like me.

I had a friend in HS who asked me my opinion once on a dress she wanted to buy, she asked me how it looked on her and to be honest. I told her I wouldn’t get that dress if I was her. She got mad and stopped speaking to me. I tore myself up for weeks, because I said something that resulted in someone not liking me anymore. It took me until this past year to realize that if she was really my friend she wouldn’t have stopped talking to me for giving her an honest response when she asked for one.

That’s how we dealt with our self esteem/confidence issues. He did what he could to make himself seem better than he thought he was and I discarded any notion of boundaries in regards to how people treated me, so that they would like me.

That lead me to this question...did I settle for Grumpy when we first started dating because he seemed to like me?

After giving it serious thought I’ve come up with yes, and no.

Yes, because I was so happy when someone finally seemed interested in me. ME, not my friends. In fact, I was actually relieved when Grumpy once asked me what I was doing hanging with the few friends I had  because I seemed to have my act together when they didn’t. What does that say about my frame of mind then?

No, because I really did enjoy spending time with him. Whether it would be going out somewhere, or just hanging out at his house or mine. I liked his sense of humor, he always made me laugh. We were able to talk about anything. He never made me feel stupid, or like I was beneath him.

Which lead me to...what drew him to me?

I think a lot of it was the same as me, he was glad someone was interested in him. He told me around BD that he felt like an outcast in HS, because he was quiet and shy. Plus, he like me worked after school.  I also think even then he had the white night mentality and once he learned more about my home life he wanted to swoop in and “save” me.

  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#11: January 13, 2019, 12:25:12 AM
Loooong post continued.

So as I’m talking to Sam tonight about how I would do things for Grumpy when he asked regardless of if it was something he was capable of doing himself, she said to me that he was treating me like his mom. I said, “No, he never asked her to do these things for him because...” and then it hit me, “because she has always done things for him.”

Whether he was aware he was doing it or not, he was putting me in the roll of his mom. Getting me to cook, and clean, and do his laundry for him. Granted when you live with someone these things need to be done. But in this day and age household chores should be shared, and not just women do inside stuff, men do outside stuff. I’m quite capable of mowing or snow removal. Grumpy taught me how. He can’t say it’s because he watched his dad growing up, and his dad never helped his mom, because he does help her. But he is a 42 year old man who still lives with his parents, and he’s a momma’s boy on top of it. She did/does these things for him, without him having to ask, and without complaint.

Which leads me to the bit of insight into Grumpy and OW’s relationship. HB has said that the affair partner is a reflection of one, or both of the MLCer’s parents. Until I really thought about Grumpy’s momma’s boy status, I couldn’t figure out if it was MIL, FIL, or both.

Now I know, it’s MIL. Really I should have figured it out before hand. Grumpy has told me she tells him he needs to change his eating habits and eat healthier food, that she scolds him when he does things at her home she doesn’t approve of, that she babies him when he’s not feeling well.

As we were discussing this I asked Sam, “Why go to someone else to be mothered when I was doing it?”

It was mostly rhetorical, but that question brought me to this last bit of insight regarding us (me, Grumpy, and even OW) for the night.

RCR and HB both have written that the AP is more often than not an AD. Because the MLCer needs to have someone they feel superior to. They have also said that MLCers don’t want to place the cause of their unhappiness on their own shoulders, so they blame the spouse. Granted I knew this already, and I knew that’s why he went somewhere else, because even though he has never said it out loud in front of me, he blames me for a lot of what is wrong in his life.

He went to OW because he recognized that she is as broken as he is. He gets his mothering from her and in return he feels superior to her because he doesn’t consider his relationship with her cheating on me because we are legally separated.

He has told me about 2 separate occasions about times he has caught her with the man she was living with when her and Grumpy began their affair. He’s also told me (and so has FIL) that there is talk about her seeing at least 2 other guys besides Grumpy, and PreGrumpy (I couldn’t think up a better name for him, LOL).

So it makes him feel superior to her because technically he’s not cheating on me while she is cheating on him and whoever else. I’m sure there are other ways that he feels superior to her that I haven’t thought of. But really, I try not to think about that relationship if I can help it. The bit of thought and insight I had tonight is enough for the year.

So now I need to think more on what has been unlocked tonight and see it as the learning experience it is. I also need to decide what I’m going to do to stop any behaviors like this from happening in any future relationships I have. Whether it’s with Grumpy, or someone else.

Other things I have learned tonight are even though I suspected Grumpy has bad mouthed me, I got confirmation of it tonight.

Captain was telling me about a time when Grumpy called him before we went to Florida together in November 2017, he called and was bad mouthing me. Captain told him to shut the firetruck up, because he is friends with me too and he will not listen to Grumpy bad mouth me. Grumpy got mad at him and hasn’t talked with Captain since then.

I also learned that IL’s are on my side, even though they won’t come out and say it to me because Grumpy is their son.

Captain told me he was talking to FIL, and FIL told him that Grumpy was told straight up that OW is no longer allowed in the house. That is why Grumpy was looking into building the apartment above the garage. He also told Captain that I am their daughter and that OW will never be accepted as part of the family.

Mrs Captain wasn’t there at the time she was told about it on their way home. But while she was there, she asked FIL how his Christmas was and he said it was the best Christmas he’s had in a while because the whole family was together.

Bowler, Mrs Bowler, Captain, and Mrs Captain also told me that even though they were Grumpy’s friends first, they are also my friends and they love me and want to see me happy, and that they support whatever decisions I make regarding Grumpy and the D.

I almost started crying then, because I always thought that the reason they talked or hung out with me was because I was with Grumpy and that if Grumpy and I were no longer together they would not have any reason to speak with me again. It reinforced my newfound confidence that I am not less than anyone else, and that I don’t have to try to make every one happy so that they’ll like me.

So for me tonight was huge. Now, I really need to get some sleep. It’s 3:22 am EST and way past my bedtime.
  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23235
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#12: January 13, 2019, 03:22:59 AM
Wow Kitty, you really said a lot here.  Lots of good mirror work going on.   :)

I think it's important to take a good look at ourselves sometimes and reflect on how we and our marriage really was.  The dynamics, whether it be good or bad.

You are a lot like me.  But my reasons were different.

My mom and dad were happily married for 60 years.  I saw a lot of love between them, but I also saw my mother do EVERYTHING for my dad.  Even put his sugar in his coffee before giving it to him.
Was she mothering him, yes she was, but on the other hand my dad gave her what she needed.  He adored her, was a great provider and never looked at another woman.

So this is what I saw as a good marriage and I guess that's how I ended up with who I did.
My H was a good provider and always put me first, never looked at another woman, in turn I probably did way too much for him but it never bothered me.  We were happy in our roles, until MLC hit a
of course.   ::)

Anyway, good for you doing some good soul searching.
You're going to catch up to Gman, as most work done by a LBS, if you keep going like this.   ;D

Hugs
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#13: January 13, 2019, 05:11:53 AM
Hi Thunder,
 It was the same way for me and Grumpy. I truly never minded doing those things for him. And he (no matter what he says now) adored me, provided for me and never looked at another woman.

Hearing about it from an outside perspective makes it seem so much different than it was. I may be wrong about the why’s but they seem plausible, at least mine are.

I don’t know if I’ll catch up to gman, he’s been doing some serious inner work this past year. But I’ll give it a shot.  ;D
  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23235
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#14: January 13, 2019, 05:37:58 AM
 :)  I look forward to reading about it.

I don't know Kitty, sometimes when you hear things from people afterwards you have to kind of think.

No one ever said a bad word about my X afterwards.  Only good and they felt sad.
Now my first X yes, all kinds of things came out.  No one really liked him much, they were friends with him because of me.  But he was really a jerk, even I knew that.  ha ha

I'm not saying yours was a jerk, but people must have seen something.
Just something to ponder.
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#15: January 13, 2019, 06:41:28 AM
Our friends from last night had that talk with me as an intervention of sorts I think. They wanted me to think about all that Grumpy had done to me in the last year, and their observations of our R for the last 20 years, so when Grumpy comes back saying he doesn’t want the D and he wants me to move back in, I won’t jump to his call again.

They said they were his friends too, but what he is doing to me is wrong and it needs to end, and I’m the only one who can do it right now.

They never said anything bad about Grumpy last night, just pointed out that his behavior is unacceptable. Captain even told me that if Grumpy were to call him and say I need help, then Captain would help him because Grumpy is his friend. But he’s not gonna stand by and listen to Grumpy bad mouth me and disrespect me. The reason Grumpy doesn’t talk to Captain is because Captain will tell him he’s being a firetrucking idiot, where the newer friends Grumpy made just before MLC, won’t.
  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11868
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#16: January 13, 2019, 07:01:14 AM
Good do not go back..he's getting a kick out of having that kind of power over you.
You've been back and forth enough.
  • Logged
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

e
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 169
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#17: January 13, 2019, 03:50:15 PM
catching up and following along :)
  • Logged
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

S
  • ****
  • Sr. Member
  • Posts: 307
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#18: January 13, 2019, 05:48:35 PM
Following along Kitty
  • Logged
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

K
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5515
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#19: January 13, 2019, 06:26:45 PM
Hi Kitty. It’s nice to have that RL validation isn’t it? And I truly believe most inlaws are mortified by the actions of their Mlcer offspring.

Interesting about the ow bring the mothering type. I think that is what my Hs ow is to him too. She controls him then kisses the ground he walks on in public. Exactly what mil does (or did).

Kitty MLC does a number on the lbs self esteem too. We question everything. And maybe that’s a good thing on many issues. Just never question that your love for him was real at one point, and not the result of feeling gratitude bc he paid attention to you. You are doing an amazing job. I’d be a proper mess after a false return. You handled it with such grace and dignity. And he’s still cooking. Stay strong friend.
  • Logged
Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#20: January 15, 2019, 05:52:58 AM
Thanks in it, exhausted, Stand Tall and KIT.

I feel that he is actually going to go through with the D this time. Last time I couldn't get a feeling regarding it. Which will make letting go that much easier.

I was thinking last night that for whatever reason I'm scared of him going through with his D. When I asked myself why, it came back to he loved me. I use it in the past tenths, because I am aware enough to know that right now he doesn't. No matter how many times he comes to me and says he wants to work on us, until he is through replay, he has no feelings for anyone. But it shows me that while my confidence has grown since BD, it still needs work, if I need the love of someone who has none to give to make myself feel like I mean something.

Which is crazy, because why should I want someone who would do this to someone who meant so much to them? Thinking about it, I don't. I don't want him, so I shouldn't be scared about what's happening. Unless the fear is not because I need to feel wanted, but because then I really will be alone?

Either way I need to start standing up for myself. What's the worse that Grumpy can do, divorce me?

  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

e
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 169
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#21: January 15, 2019, 06:04:58 AM
Kitty-

While I am not at the place you are right now with talk of D, I do experience the same things you describe. What am I afraid of? Why do I keep trying to hold on?

I think is partly because it has been my life for so many years and a life I was happy with and it has been taken from me. I waffle between both places...why would I want to be with someone who could do something like this to me and wanting the happy life back I had and all that I had envisioned for the future.

You are strong and you don't need anyone else to be happy...needing and wanting are two different things! Be good to yourself!
  • Logged
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10501
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#22: January 15, 2019, 06:10:56 AM
I think your reflections are good honest ones, my friend.
Perhaps it is that accepting divorce means a bit of you gives up hope that he will come through this crisis and ever be close to the pre-Grumpy you knew? Maybe it is more about being scared of that last bit of letting go of the old him? That's how it was for me anyway.

Of course you don't want someone who doesn't respect and value you or feels this is an ok way to behave. The tricky bit is that this wasn't who they were before, often for many years. But it is what they are right now. And there is less rollercoaster on the other side of divorce although it feels quite wrong that it took two of you to get married but only one to blow it all up...but that is all you have to work with right now until or unless something changes. There is peace away from the crazy.

Everything you have posted on your thread shows that you will be ok whatever happens. You are no longer where you were and you are doing the work to get up on your feet. What happens to Grumpy is simply out of your hands so leave him to God and his own consequences.
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1668
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Now what?
#23: January 15, 2019, 09:13:12 AM
I'm here and following along!  You got this!
  • Logged
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
3 Dogs (he left them all behind

F
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 749
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#24: January 15, 2019, 09:30:13 AM
I agree that there is some great reflection in your post!

For me, fear is/was a big part of things. The idea that D might become my reality (hasn't as of yet)... but I am afraid of that and what that means about the finality of things. The fear of being alone, starting over, not worthy, that I made "our" life better than what it was, no one would love me like H supposedly did, almost to the point of ( and this sounds dumb when I say it out loud Jerry Maguire style  ::))that he completed me, that I would never have the life I had with him and the list goes on. I now realize how skewed my perception was. I needed to be whole within myself, within our marriage and I wasn't. I was very insecure emotionally, physically and even spiritually.  I think when this happens it rocks our very foundation and we have to start  to rebuild it for ourselves, and for what we need. Figure out what our morals, values, what's important to us because everything that we "knew" has been ripped out from under us. What made us feel secure before is no longer there.

I know for myself I always said infidelity was something I would never compromise about. It was a deal breaker ( I was always very vocal and adamant about it), and then I was put in this situation and it was no longer a deal breaker. I felt like I betrayed myself to some degree when it wasn't. So I think it causes us to really have to look within, at our behaviors. I like you, was very happy to wait on H, do things for him, take care of him. That was how I showed my love for him. Now I realize there is a fine line and it's a tough behavior to change. I find it difficult to put myself first, and I am working on that, as are you. It's one of the most difficult things we need to do.

You'll wade through all this Kitty and find what you need. You're a smart and tough and willing to look within. A great combination for growth!!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
  • Logged
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 11868
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#25: January 15, 2019, 10:47:25 AM
Exactly..if you can look at what would be the worst case scenario and accept it (as in this major Grump bump going for a divorce) and you can handle that. Stand up for yourself.

Show yourself the love and respect first, if someone imho loved and respected  you they wouldn't be doing this. Even if your marriage was what you'd consider happy. His behavior NOW has changed all that.

Even with years invested on your part (even if he isn't thinking about that), to tolerate this kind of disrespect? That is not even the slightest guarantee of restoring your marriage. And if you do want to restore it at any time in the future it needs to be based on respect.

 For me this whole mess I dealt with came down to respect. And until I had it for myself first it's not easy to get it from anyone else.

You gotta give that Grump bump to God. Job is too big for you beyond your pay grade. 
  • Logged
« Last Edit: January 15, 2019, 11:06:18 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 208
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#26: January 15, 2019, 09:36:12 PM
Hi Kitty,
Great self reflection and valid questions.

Quote
Either way I need to start standing up for myself. What's the worse that Grumpy can do, divorce me?

Yes! for standing up for yourself.
MLCer's divorce means nothing! Clingers do this to control you, to be able to keep you in suspension and fear. They know too well that you don't want to divorce, but if they don't divorce you, for sure, they won't be able to enjoy their new life to the full extent..which they want!

There is a good news about allowing your MLCer to proceed with HIS divorce early into crisis :
- you might get a better settlement, while the MLCer is still ridden with guilt
- you will save yourself from endless touch & goes the clingers love to do
- you'll be free to establish whatever strong boundaries you want
- you can and will control your MLC free environment
- you can actually start to enjoy your single life
- you will have lots of time to explore whatever path you want
..and i can think about much more benefits

But there is a bad news as well...there is a great possibility that Grumpy wouldn't go through with HIS divorce.
Then you will have to decide for yourself whether you'll finish what Grumpy has started or to wait.

In my situation, my Xh went all the way until the first court hearing, then he started backpedaling.  Three weeks before the second court visit he had asked me to re-consider because WE are probably making a big huge mistake.
I just asked him one question - how do you see US working on our marriage?
He said - uhm...errr.. well, we'll live separate for the time being and will spend sometimes together and then we'll see how it goes.. Translation - I'll continue with OW and you wait.

After that answer I've decided to complete the divorce procedure. I was conflicted for a while whether I've made the right choice until the Universe brought me a piece of information..two days after asking me not to divorce him he took off on yet another overseas trip with OW. There is no way that that decision was spontaneous because it does require some planning.
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#27: January 16, 2019, 12:28:48 PM
Thanks exhausted, Treasur, Sam, FearNot, in it, and Busy_Bee

I told Grumpy when he first mentioned D back in March 2018, that I didn't want it, but if that was his choice I wouldn't fight him, but I wasn't going to help him either. If he wants this, HE is going to be doing all the work, not me. I agreed to meet with him this past Saturday to figure out what the terms were going to be. I had a number in mind, and he was close enough to it to make me happy. I also told him that because we were married for 12 years that whatever monies we agree on will be paid for 6 years. He agreed to that also. He also told me that he will have the ticket for the trip to Orlando in February put on hold for me to use on a different date. I offered him the price of the ticket, and he told me not to worry about it.

Before I left he said he would call his L to have papers drawn up, and he would get in touch with me to find a date and time that works for me to go sign.

My friends told me to take him for everything I can get. I can't do it.

A.) Because I don't have the money to do that. If I tried to fight I think his parents would probably open their wallets to help, even if they don't agree with what he's doing.

B.) Because I just don't want to fight. I kind of feel like I'm at the point where I want it done. I have a decent paying job, money is kind of tight, but nothing I can't handle. I'm actually planning on taking the money he will be giving me and putting it in savings. The only reason I'm staying with my cousin still is because some of the apartments I am interested in aren't available until spring, plus I don't want to move in the winter again.
  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

e
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 169
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#28: January 16, 2019, 02:58:18 PM
Kitty-

I've been thinking a lot about that old saying...if you love something set it free. I think setting him free right now and not fighting it is also letting you set yourself free.

You will survive this!!!  <<HUGS>>
  • Logged
« Last Edit: January 16, 2019, 03:20:03 PM by exhausted »
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10501
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#29: January 16, 2019, 03:15:29 PM
Kitty, your perspective of where you are and why makes sense. A lot of us reach that point of no longer wanting to fight what seems inevitable and exhausting. And not having to tussle with an MLCer does reduce the need for contact and does often let us focus on our own lives and healing more easily.

It seems very clear that MLC doesn't stop with a divorce, and neither does any choice to stand or reconnect. That's up to you. But as exhausted says, I too decided that I would respect my h's wishes and let him go and respect my own worth by removing MLC from my life. It's a sad, awful, inexplicable thing to happen when someone we love becomes so changed and unreachable, but choosing how we let go is often the only option we have.

And yes, you will survive this too xx
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10371
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: Now what?
#30: January 17, 2019, 03:01:53 AM
Kitty,

You've gotta classic


Your words to Grumpy about  not wanting it but not fighting it anymore echo almost verbatim the discussion i had with STBXW.  The process is STILL dragging on because she (or her lawyer) finally got around to providing some information to the court just before Christmas that they had been requesting since August.

Treasur is right that MLC doesn't stop with their D but it is up to us whether our involvement with it does. In my case, STBXW filing for her D was the red line in the sand and, when it is final (I expect my Easter), it will be just that. Final. 

We (the LBS) are worthy of being truly loved, both by ourselves and by our partners, and not just used as a surrogate parent. We are also NOT a "fall-back position" for the Mid-Lifer (that "anchor check thing" there)
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#31: January 18, 2019, 07:26:09 AM
Thanks exhausted, Treasur, and UM.

I know that some people will be unhappy with my decision to not fight, but they'll get over it. I feel it's best for me to just walk away. I have allowed cake eating, and I've been a door mat for him for the last 14 months. I'm tired of it, and I don't want to anymore. I am done with him as he is now.  I know his MLC will not stop with the D, I know he can go off and move in with and marry the OW, and he will still be miserable. But that is no longer my problem.

I believe that once he gets through this he will come back to me, so until then I will go on living my life. I won't give up on him completely because I believe that he doesn't want this D completely. I believe that it's pressure from OW, and him being mad at me because I wouldn't stay when he told me he wanted to leave. He was going to be magnanimous and let me continue living there until I found a new apartment, I decided that wasn't happening.

I know I will get through this, I've been handling myself pretty good for the last 12 months without him.
  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23235
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#32: January 18, 2019, 07:59:07 AM
Kitty, you are sounding very strong and committed.

Yes, why fight him if he's being pretty decent about things?  So many of them aren't.  It will just cost you a lot of money to fight him.
We agreed on everything except maintenance amount.  The two lawyers he met with agreed with my amount.  So we spent more money going to a mediator that changed nothing.  If he had taken my first offer he would have saved himself $100 a month, but he stubbornly thought he was going to get his way.  He didn't.  What his lawyers told him was correct.

My point is if he had not fought me on it we could have saved a lot of money.  So fighting isn't always the best thing, unless they are being ridiculous.

Of course you will be just fine.  Your H?  Not so sure about.  He has been massively confused since the start.
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1204
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#33: January 18, 2019, 08:08:53 AM
Kitty, don't worry about what other people think or what they would be happy with, just think about you and what you want to do.

D hasn't been brought up in my case yet simply because in this country you need to be separated 4 years before you can file.  All we are able to do at this point is a legal separation which for me feels like a divorce as the settlement will apply for when divorce comes around. I didn't fight it either, I came up with an offer which in my mind was fair (my solicitor and several friends thought it was too much but I didn't care, it was not even 50%/50%) In the end, I had to lower it because of bank conditions, H agreed and we both signed... What would I gain with fighting him for every penny? At the end of the day, it will delay my healing and cost me a fortune in legal fees.

  • Logged
H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

F
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 749
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#34: January 18, 2019, 09:30:56 AM
Kitty,

You are the only one who knows what you need to do for you. There will always be varying opinions. Do what's right for you, as you are the one who has to live with the decisions and how you chose to go about it. You have treated Grumpy with grace, and that says a lot about who you are. You can't go wrong with grace! You do sound strong and that you know where you're going with this. Here to support you regardless of what it is you choose. That's the beauty, you get to choose!!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
  • Logged
M 48
H 41
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#35: January 21, 2019, 05:52:04 PM
Thanks Thunder, One day, and FearNot.

I feel like what I’m doing is right for me. It may not be, but I think if it wasn’t I would feel it. So far my gut hasn’t been wrong.


For the past few days I’ve been in a bit of a funk. I knew there was something that needed to be addressed. I’ve had a bit of a hard time accepting that Grumpy might actually go through with the D this time.

My train of thought lead me to the fact that I never felt loved by my parents, or more specifically, my mom. When I thought about it, I was stunned when I realized that I can’t remember the last time my mom said she loved me, or came to me to hug me, instead of me always going to her.

Add it to the fact that she favored my brother over me, and it’s easy to see why I feel that way.

So with that in mind, does anyone have any books, or blogs, or anything else that I could read or listen to that could help me with this?

Thank you.
  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

e
  • ***
  • Full Member
  • Posts: 169
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#36: January 22, 2019, 04:33:33 AM
Kitty-

The Enneagram was recommended by my IC and I took the test and got the book. It really gave me  a lot of insights into why I do the things I do and behave the way I do sometimes (especially the uncharacteristic behaviors and responses to my H during this crisis). It describes healthy vs not healthy behaviors and helps to understand motivators. What you are questioning about you childhood seems to connect with the concept in the Enneagram of a childhood wound. At the root of each of the 9 personality types there is a childhood wound that drives a lot of who we are and how we behave. I recently did some thinking into my childhood wound. Here is the site...there is a fee to take the test but it was time and $$ well spent..

http://www.enneagram.com/

(There is also a book written in cartoon friendly language...The Enneagram made simple - kind of a Enneagram for dummies...lol)
  • Logged
Met 4/1986
Married 6/1990
BD 6/2017
D22 S19
No affair
Still at home in IC

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10501
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#37: January 22, 2019, 04:52:46 AM
Think I remember a friend of mine talking about a book called something like 'The Ties That Bind'?
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2710
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#38: February 25, 2019, 02:04:36 AM
Hey kitty just stopping by to see where you are atm.

Still stuck with a crazy boomerang I see. Man these guys are all over the place aren't they?

I caught up with you a few posts back when you were writing about why you think grumpy chose other woman etc.

I recently had an interesting conversation with Beast where he said that I was the most strong willed and opinionated woman he knows. That all the other women he interacts with believe everything he says, and he has the charm  ::) or whatever...I asked him if that made it hard to be around me now, because I don't just believe everything he comes out with...and he said yes...but... then he paused like he was thinking. I think at the same time that I frustrate him, because he can't get away with every little bull$h!te thing, that is also what draws him to me. Because I am different.

Perhaps there is something different about you...to all the women grumpy knows.
  • Logged
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#39: March 22, 2019, 01:50:06 PM
Hi everyone,

  Just catching up since it's been 2 months since my last post. Although not much is going on here. I've been working, and getting as much OT as possible, because who would say no to extra money?

I found a new apartment and on March 2nd I moved to my new home. Luckily I was able to replace the items I sold from my last apartment with little issue. By that point in time I hadn't seen Grumpy for 2 weeks, and even though I knew he was with OW again it was still a bit of a gut punch to walk into what use to be our bedroom to find the bed gone. According to FIL, OW's bed sucks so Grumpy moved ours to her house. Most of his things are still at home, or were at that time, I've not been to the house since so I don't know.  I never thought he would actually move in with OW, but I guess if IL's say she isn't welcome at the house, then he needed to go to her.

Just like last time though, we went NC for about a month, and then Grumpy popped up. Out of the blue last week he sends me an email and asks me to meet him for lunch. I figured it was because he had the paperwork from his L for me for the D, but that's what I get for thinking. He found a note I wrote to him when I moved.

The note was TO him, but it was FOR me. I had been doing some thinking before I moved, and even though the crisis he is in really doesn't have anything to do with our marriage, I came to realize that I had been taking him for granted. I assumed he would always be there, an assumption that I discovered was wrong. So to help myself heal, I wrote him a note. It was short and simple, an apology for taking him for granted. I then left it kind of hidden, with the belief that if he is meant to see it he will find it.

So he asked me to lunch because he found my note. He said he had some things to take care of, but then he would like to see me once in a while, not rush back into things like we had done before. I went into it with no expectations, and even though he seemed more mellow than in times past I know it could also be him seeing this as a way to cake eat.

I'm looking at it as him reaching out, taking things slowly and testing the waters. I also know that this could just be him trying to have his cake and eat it too, but since there was no R talk I'm willing to go to a friendly lunch every now and then. But since there has been crickets since then, I'm not holding my breath until the next one.
  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2491
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#40: May 04, 2019, 05:13:15 PM
Hey Kitty, I have been pretty MIA myself.  How did lunch go?
  • Logged
M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Marrying her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11404.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#41: May 06, 2019, 10:09:56 AM
Hi FaithWalker,

 The lunch went well. I'm actually glad he wasn't all jumping right back in to moving in again. If he hadn't of mentioned taking things slow, I would have.

I've seen him a bunch of times since then. He had me blocked on his phone and would send me an email when he wanted to meet. Now he must have me unblocked because he's been calling and texting me, and I've been able to call back if I miss a call and reply to his texts.

I'm sure right now from what he's told me that he has moved back home. It sounds like he left because she was demanding all of his time and he was helping his friends with projects. He didn't like that she was putting him on a leash, but that won't stop him from running back to her when she allows him to speak to her again.

I've been busy working OT, I was in Florida house sitting for my aunt and uncle from the 19th to the 28th and I'll be going back on 5/24 - 6/2. That was a bit of a fluke, but with all the OT I had been working I could seriously use a vacation.

 I expect nothing from him when he talks about going to Florida with me I don't push him to, I tell him only he can make that call. I am polite and friendly, but not overly so. I know at any moment he can go running back to OW, so I've kept myself as detached as I can be.
  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1204
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#42: May 06, 2019, 10:34:04 AM
Hi Kitty.. Good you have no expectations, unfortunately you have been burnt before and he needs to show consistent actions for a long time before you could let your guard down a little (emphasis on the little)

So is the divorce on hold again?
  • Logged
H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#43: May 07, 2019, 07:19:50 AM
Hi One Day,

 I'd like to assume that the D is on hold again...but I just don't know. The last time D was mentioned was when I went to the house on 1/12 to talk terms with Grumpy. Otherwise he hasn't made a peep about it.

I'm just going to keep doing my thing while being prepared to hear that it will be pushed through.

  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 23235
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#44: May 07, 2019, 07:51:35 AM
Yep, just keep that detachment, and expect nothing.

You are sounding pretty good, stronger.   :)
  • Logged
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2710
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#45: May 07, 2019, 12:24:01 PM
It still never ceases to make me go  :o when I read stories and it is like ''Went to lunch and he wants to move in, but not sure if he is still pushing the divorce'' or ''he's got a law suit against me, but did the washing up!''.

Honestly it is so bizarre to realise the crazy crap we endure until you read it in stark contrast like that.

Just another week in MLC heaven eh?  ::)
  • Logged
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1204
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#46: May 07, 2019, 12:54:38 PM
It still never ceases to make me go  :o when I read stories and it is like ''Went to lunch and he wants to move in, but not sure if he is still pushing the divorce'' or ''he's got a law suit against me, but did the washing up!''.

Honestly it is so bizarre to realise the crazy crap we endure until you read it in stark contrast like that.

Just another week in MLC heaven eh?  ::)
Yep, you couldn't make this $h!t up!  ::)
  • Logged
H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019
H "finally" asks for divorce - Aug 2020

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#47: May 08, 2019, 08:30:35 AM
Thunder - I do feel much stronger, and it helps that I am to the point where I am taking nothing he does personally against me. Even when it seems like it is.

Morte - It doesn't cease to make me laugh internally when he does it either.  At first he's all, "I want you to move out, I'm going through with the D." Then it's I want you to move back home, I'm getting D dissolved. Then it's "I want you to move out again, I'm continuing the D." Then he actually moved in with OW for about a month. Then after a month he's back (like a demented gopher) talking about wanting to meet occasionally and taking me to lunch, but no mention of D.

If I hadn't been dealing with it for a year and a half, I would seriously question his sanity.
  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1584
  • Gender: Female
  • Mlc- Cake eater for 3 yr now vanisher
Re: Now what?
#48: May 08, 2019, 08:42:44 AM
Bit late kitty but catching up xx
  • Logged
Me 52
H53
Divorced 3/dec/2019
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Finances Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10371
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Re: Now what?
#49: June 19, 2019, 05:41:52 AM
How are things in your world Kitty?
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#50: June 19, 2019, 07:46:09 PM
Hi RP and UM,

Things are going well for me. I’m working, taking care of myself and leaving Grumpy to twist in the wind.

He’s met me for lunch every so often between March and now, but other than that I don’t hear much from him. He has been keeping himself busy because if he’s still for too long he says his thoughts turn down a path he doesn’t want them to go. He believes that if he followed them he will be in worse shape than he is now. I say nothing, I just sit and listen when he talks.

I feel that I am heading in the right direction for me. I can actually say that I am happy, and that if tomorrow Grumpy came up and asked if I would move back home, I would tell him no. I need this time to myself, to finish my journey. Because as much as I know he’s not done baking...I’m not done either. I feel myself growing more confident, and sure of my path everyday, and it’s a wonderful feeling. Despite some uncertainties I have I wouldn’t change anything about my life right now.
  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2710
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#51: June 20, 2019, 10:25:26 AM
Aww that is nice to read kitty. I am glad you are feeling in such a positive phase.  ;D
  • Logged
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2491
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#52: July 15, 2019, 07:28:12 PM
Great update Kitty!
  • Logged
M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Marrying her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11404.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
Now what?
#53: July 02, 2020, 08:43:58 AM
Hello everyone,

I'm back with an update...Grumpy is still in MLC (but you knew that already, LOL). This past year has been typical of the previous 2ish. He cycles towards me until he can't handle it anymore, and then it's back to the tunnel and OW. She got ballsy in September. By then I could sense he was pulling away, so I prepared myself for talk of D again. But all I got was his IC was getting to him and things were happening with trolls (read: OW's ex and his family messing in Grumpy's business) and he needed time for himself to figure things out (which meant he was going back to OW) and he would get in touch with me.

Apparently he needed the time away to reassure OW that he still wanted her and then they planned a B-Day party for IL's since their B-days are a week apart. Which she then posted pics of in FB, which I wouldn't have even have known about but she posted them and tagged the IL's who are also friends with me.  ::)

After that it was tentative coming back, he went with me on vacation to see my family in FL. Then pulled away a bit again.

Then it happened...my lease was coming up in March and he asked me to move back home.  I was going to say no, but then I decided firetruck it, I was slightly strapped for cash and the $820 a month I would be keeping instead of paying rent would be nice. I told him that I would move back in under the conditions that my stuff was not to be sold, we would not merge finances for a year and the big one, I would not move out for at least a year after move in. He agreed and said he understood I needed to lay down conditions to protect myself and he would abide by them. So on 4/25/20 I moved back in.

He was lovey dovey at first, he started pulling away about the end of May. No big, I figured it would happen. I knew he was still in contact with OW but when he asked me to move in it was not because he wanted to work on us, so we live as room mates that sleep in the same bed.

I can deal with that.

Otherwise I'm still doing for me. Although it's hard with the shut downs and all due to the Covid-19.

I hope everyone has been staying safe and healthy during all this.
  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10371
  • Gender: Male
  • You can't please everyone. You are NOT a pizza!
Now what?
#54: July 03, 2020, 03:39:56 AM
Hi Kitty,

Nice to see an update but seriously? The situation is just ... well.... odd..... You are a better person than I am for being able to be in the same bed, let alone the same house as Grumpy while he is still with OW and Family.....
  • Logged
Me - 57, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation & 21 at D-Day
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1191
  • Gender: Female
Now what?
#55: July 03, 2020, 04:52:33 AM
Hi UM,

I don’t know about that, maybe I’m just a sucker for pain. I’m perfectly aware of my situation, and it’s possible outcomes.

What makes this slightly different than the other times I moved back is that this time I’m not trying to work on things. This time I am not focusing on him at all I am only worrying about myself. I keep to the routine I established living by myself. The only pressure he will get from me is what he perceives as me pressuring him. Since I feel that OW may be on his case about me being here again.

As for sleeping in the same bed...he seems to want me to sleep with him. Even though there is no contact that I am aware of while we sleep. I go to bed before him and I get up before him.  He made a joke (or at least I think it was) about me snoring, so I told him (in a joking way) that if it bothered him I could sleep on the couch in the living room. He was very adamant that I did not need to do that.

How long this lasts before $h!te hits the fan...I have no idea. But I do know I will be more prepared and better able to handle whatever comes my way.
  • Logged
Me 39; H 43
Married 14 years
No kids, no pets

I
  • *
  • Newbie
  • Posts: 10
  • Gender: Female
Now what?
#56: July 28, 2020, 07:49:24 PM
Nice to see your update.  It's so hard to be in the same space while letting them cook.  You're being so strong.
  • Logged
Me: 38
H: 44
M: 15 yrs (together 17 yrs)
No kids

12/11/2017: BD - H wants divorce
12/29/17: Found out about OW- EA/PA
3/8/18: I move out
H bounces back and forth between me and OW
8/16/18: H files Divorce
9/8/18: H "doesn't want this [divorce]"- D on hold
9/25/18: MC starts (our 14th anniv)- H says A done
10/3/18: House sold
12/28/19: find out A never ended; H moves 8 hours away; OW moves to same city (not living together)
01/22/19: H dismisses divorce during a touch-and-go before going back to OW and depression
7/2/19: I move to same city as H (and OW)- still cycling

M
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3534
  • Gender: Female
Re: Now what?
#57: July 29, 2020, 12:55:47 AM
Nice to read your update, Kitty, and I admire you for deciding to move back in and just letting him twist in the wind, which is probably the best thing to do. Wishing you all the best.
  • Logged
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 2491
  • Gender: Female
Now what?
#58: August 30, 2020, 02:36:07 PM
Good to hear an update Kitty.  You sound very detached, despite the very close contact with H.  I have no idea how you do it!
  • Logged
M-42
H-44
S-20 (mine)
D-18 (ours)
S-15 (ours)
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17 (told me 4 days before)
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
New GF 2/29/20 (Told me 4/22/20)
Marrying her 4/24/20 (Told me 4/22/20)

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11404.0

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

S
  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 1710
  • Gender: Female
Now what?
#59: September 05, 2020, 08:43:39 AM
Kitty -
Nice to hear from you.
I agree - IDK if I could do it, but you seem strong and happy.
Best of luck with H's growth and your continued detachment.
Keep us posted!
Sea
  • Logged
Seahorses have one mate for life...

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.