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Author Topic: My Story Now what?

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My Story Re: Now what?
#10: January 12, 2019, 10:56:32 PM
Now be warned I have a looooong journaling session ahead. I had quite the eye opening experience tonight in regards to me, Grumpy, and our marriage/relationship. I even gained a bit of insight into his and OW’s relationship.

It started when I went to watch mutual friends who were bowling tonight. I learned that a few days ago Grumpy called the one friend Bowler and told him that the day after I moved in I got angry for no reason, packed up some stuff and left without telling him where I was going.

When I told them what really happened they were livid. They could not understand why Grumpy would tell them something like that when it wasn’t the truth. Then they got talking about how Grumpy has always been one to exaggerate the truth, or tell tall tales to make himself look good.

They then started talking about how they all thought that Grumpy treated me like $h!te for the duration of our relationship. Captain said to me, “Kitty, you may get mad, but you know me I don’t sugar coat things. Grumpy has disrespected you for your entire relationship. I would never ask my wife to take my bowling balls out to our vehicle so I can then tell everyone how well trained I have her.”

To which Bowler piped in, “Plus all the times we’ve gone camping and we watched you run around trying to get dinner done, and then dishes and just when you sit down to relax Grumpy would ask you to get him a drink, when he is sitting right next to the cooler.”

Which is funny because that is an instance both my brother and dad had brought up to me too.

Mrs Bowler told me that maybe they should have said something to Grumpy sooner, that he shouldn’t be treating me the way he does, but they never did because when he was telling people how well trained he had me I would just laugh it off. Plus, it wasn’t their business so they stayed out of it.

I was going to tell them that I had known all these things about Grumpy for along time time, but I didn’t.

Why?

Because they don’t believe in MLC, they think if he was having an MLC he would have bought a sports car and spent a lot of money.

The most important reason though is because I was not ready yet to ask myself why I would stay with someone for 20 some odd years if they were disrespecting me.

So why would I?

HB wrote in one of her articles that the issues the MLCer and the LBS have to face are for the most part the same. In the case of Grumpy exaggerating the truth and telling everyone what a well trained wife he has, it comes down to self esteem/confidence. He doesn’t have any. At BD, I didn’t have any either. But unlike Grumpy who tried to make himself seem better, and show everyone what an obeidient well trained wife he has, I accepted the fact that I was less than everyone else and tried to do whatever I could to make people like me.

I had a friend in HS who asked me my opinion once on a dress she wanted to buy, she asked me how it looked on her and to be honest. I told her I wouldn’t get that dress if I was her. She got mad and stopped speaking to me. I tore myself up for weeks, because I said something that resulted in someone not liking me anymore. It took me until this past year to realize that if she was really my friend she wouldn’t have stopped talking to me for giving her an honest response when she asked for one.

That’s how we dealt with our self esteem/confidence issues. He did what he could to make himself seem better than he thought he was and I discarded any notion of boundaries in regards to how people treated me, so that they would like me.

That lead me to this question...did I settle for Grumpy when we first started dating because he seemed to like me?

After giving it serious thought I’ve come up with yes, and no.

Yes, because I was so happy when someone finally seemed interested in me. ME, not my friends. In fact, I was actually relieved when Grumpy once asked me what I was doing hanging with the few friends I had  because I seemed to have my act together when they didn’t. What does that say about my frame of mind then?

No, because I really did enjoy spending time with him. Whether it would be going out somewhere, or just hanging out at his house or mine. I liked his sense of humor, he always made me laugh. We were able to talk about anything. He never made me feel stupid, or like I was beneath him.

Which lead me to...what drew him to me?

I think a lot of it was the same as me, he was glad someone was interested in him. He told me around BD that he felt like an outcast in HS, because he was quiet and shy. Plus, he like me worked after school.  I also think even then he had the white night mentality and once he learned more about my home life he wanted to swoop in and “save” me.

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Re: Now what?
#11: January 13, 2019, 12:25:12 AM
Loooong post continued.

So as I’m talking to Sam tonight about how I would do things for Grumpy when he asked regardless of if it was something he was capable of doing himself, she said to me that he was treating me like his mom. I said, “No, he never asked her to do these things for him because...” and then it hit me, “because she has always done things for him.”

Whether he was aware he was doing it or not, he was putting me in the roll of his mom. Getting me to cook, and clean, and do his laundry for him. Granted when you live with someone these things need to be done. But in this day and age household chores should be shared, and not just women do inside stuff, men do outside stuff. I’m quite capable of mowing or snow removal. Grumpy taught me how. He can’t say it’s because he watched his dad growing up, and his dad never helped his mom, because he does help her. But he is a 42 year old man who still lives with his parents, and he’s a momma’s boy on top of it. She did/does these things for him, without him having to ask, and without complaint.

Which leads me to the bit of insight into Grumpy and OW’s relationship. HB has said that the affair partner is a reflection of one, or both of the MLCer’s parents. Until I really thought about Grumpy’s momma’s boy status, I couldn’t figure out if it was MIL, FIL, or both.

Now I know, it’s MIL. Really I should have figured it out before hand. Grumpy has told me she tells him he needs to change his eating habits and eat healthier food, that she scolds him when he does things at her home she doesn’t approve of, that she babies him when he’s not feeling well.

As we were discussing this I asked Sam, “Why go to someone else to be mothered when I was doing it?”

It was mostly rhetorical, but that question brought me to this last bit of insight regarding us (me, Grumpy, and even OW) for the night.

RCR and HB both have written that the AP is more often than not an AD. Because the MLCer needs to have someone they feel superior to. They have also said that MLCers don’t want to place the cause of their unhappiness on their own shoulders, so they blame the spouse. Granted I knew this already, and I knew that’s why he went somewhere else, because even though he has never said it out loud in front of me, he blames me for a lot of what is wrong in his life.

He went to OW because he recognized that she is as broken as he is. He gets his mothering from her and in return he feels superior to her because he doesn’t consider his relationship with her cheating on me because we are legally separated.

He has told me about 2 separate occasions about times he has caught her with the man she was living with when her and Grumpy began their affair. He’s also told me (and so has FIL) that there is talk about her seeing at least 2 other guys besides Grumpy, and PreGrumpy (I couldn’t think up a better name for him, LOL).

So it makes him feel superior to her because technically he’s not cheating on me while she is cheating on him and whoever else. I’m sure there are other ways that he feels superior to her that I haven’t thought of. But really, I try not to think about that relationship if I can help it. The bit of thought and insight I had tonight is enough for the year.

So now I need to think more on what has been unlocked tonight and see it as the learning experience it is. I also need to decide what I’m going to do to stop any behaviors like this from happening in any future relationships I have. Whether it’s with Grumpy, or someone else.

Other things I have learned tonight are even though I suspected Grumpy has bad mouthed me, I got confirmation of it tonight.

Captain was telling me about a time when Grumpy called him before we went to Florida together in November 2017, he called and was bad mouthing me. Captain told him to shut the firetruck up, because he is friends with me too and he will not listen to Grumpy bad mouth me. Grumpy got mad at him and hasn’t talked with Captain since then.

I also learned that IL’s are on my side, even though they won’t come out and say it to me because Grumpy is their son.

Captain told me he was talking to FIL, and FIL told him that Grumpy was told straight up that OW is no longer allowed in the house. That is why Grumpy was looking into building the apartment above the garage. He also told Captain that I am their daughter and that OW will never be accepted as part of the family.

Mrs Captain wasn’t there at the time she was told about it on their way home. But while she was there, she asked FIL how his Christmas was and he said it was the best Christmas he’s had in a while because the whole family was together.

Bowler, Mrs Bowler, Captain, and Mrs Captain also told me that even though they were Grumpy’s friends first, they are also my friends and they love me and want to see me happy, and that they support whatever decisions I make regarding Grumpy and the D.

I almost started crying then, because I always thought that the reason they talked or hung out with me was because I was with Grumpy and that if Grumpy and I were no longer together they would not have any reason to speak with me again. It reinforced my newfound confidence that I am not less than anyone else, and that I don’t have to try to make every one happy so that they’ll like me.

So for me tonight was huge. Now, I really need to get some sleep. It’s 3:22 am EST and way past my bedtime.
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Re: Now what?
#12: January 13, 2019, 03:22:59 AM
Wow Kitty, you really said a lot here.  Lots of good mirror work going on.   :)

I think it's important to take a good look at ourselves sometimes and reflect on how we and our marriage really was.  The dynamics, whether it be good or bad.

You are a lot like me.  But my reasons were different.

My mom and dad were happily married for 60 years.  I saw a lot of love between them, but I also saw my mother do EVERYTHING for my dad.  Even put his sugar in his coffee before giving it to him.
Was she mothering him, yes she was, but on the other hand my dad gave her what she needed.  He adored her, was a great provider and never looked at another woman.

So this is what I saw as a good marriage and I guess that's how I ended up with who I did.
My H was a good provider and always put me first, never looked at another woman, in turn I probably did way too much for him but it never bothered me.  We were happy in our roles, until MLC hit a
of course.   ::)

Anyway, good for you doing some good soul searching.
You're going to catch up to Gman, as most work done by a LBS, if you keep going like this.   ;D

Hugs
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Now what?
#13: January 13, 2019, 05:11:53 AM
Hi Thunder,
 It was the same way for me and Grumpy. I truly never minded doing those things for him. And he (no matter what he says now) adored me, provided for me and never looked at another woman.

Hearing about it from an outside perspective makes it seem so much different than it was. I may be wrong about the why’s but they seem plausible, at least mine are.

I don’t know if I’ll catch up to gman, he’s been doing some serious inner work this past year. But I’ll give it a shot.  ;D
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Re: Now what?
#14: January 13, 2019, 05:37:58 AM
 :)  I look forward to reading about it.

I don't know Kitty, sometimes when you hear things from people afterwards you have to kind of think.

No one ever said a bad word about my X afterwards.  Only good and they felt sad.
Now my first X yes, all kinds of things came out.  No one really liked him much, they were friends with him because of me.  But he was really a jerk, even I knew that.  ha ha

I'm not saying yours was a jerk, but people must have seen something.
Just something to ponder.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Now what?
#15: January 13, 2019, 06:41:28 AM
Our friends from last night had that talk with me as an intervention of sorts I think. They wanted me to think about all that Grumpy had done to me in the last year, and their observations of our R for the last 20 years, so when Grumpy comes back saying he doesn’t want the D and he wants me to move back in, I won’t jump to his call again.

They said they were his friends too, but what he is doing to me is wrong and it needs to end, and I’m the only one who can do it right now.

They never said anything bad about Grumpy last night, just pointed out that his behavior is unacceptable. Captain even told me that if Grumpy were to call him and say I need help, then Captain would help him because Grumpy is his friend. But he’s not gonna stand by and listen to Grumpy bad mouth me and disrespect me. The reason Grumpy doesn’t talk to Captain is because Captain will tell him he’s being a firetrucking idiot, where the newer friends Grumpy made just before MLC, won’t.
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Re: Now what?
#16: January 13, 2019, 07:01:14 AM
Good do not go back..he's getting a kick out of having that kind of power over you.
You've been back and forth enough.
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There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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Re: Now what?
#17: January 13, 2019, 03:50:15 PM
catching up and following along :)
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Met 4/1986
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Re: Now what?
#18: January 13, 2019, 05:48:35 PM
Following along Kitty
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When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Be a pineapple; Stand tall. Wear a crown. Be sweet on the Inside.

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Re: Now what?
#19: January 13, 2019, 06:26:45 PM
Hi Kitty. It’s nice to have that RL validation isn’t it? And I truly believe most inlaws are mortified by the actions of their Mlcer offspring.

Interesting about the ow bring the mothering type. I think that is what my Hs ow is to him too. She controls him then kisses the ground he walks on in public. Exactly what mil does (or did).

Kitty MLC does a number on the lbs self esteem too. We question everything. And maybe that’s a good thing on many issues. Just never question that your love for him was real at one point, and not the result of feeling gratitude bc he paid attention to you. You are doing an amazing job. I’d be a proper mess after a false return. You handled it with such grace and dignity. And he’s still cooking. Stay strong friend.
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OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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