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Author Topic: My Story Now what?

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My Story Re: Now what?
#20: January 15, 2019, 05:52:58 AM
Thanks in it, exhausted, Stand Tall and KIT.

I feel that he is actually going to go through with the D this time. Last time I couldn't get a feeling regarding it. Which will make letting go that much easier.

I was thinking last night that for whatever reason I'm scared of him going through with his D. When I asked myself why, it came back to he loved me. I use it in the past tenths, because I am aware enough to know that right now he doesn't. No matter how many times he comes to me and says he wants to work on us, until he is through replay, he has no feelings for anyone. But it shows me that while my confidence has grown since BD, it still needs work, if I need the love of someone who has none to give to make myself feel like I mean something.

Which is crazy, because why should I want someone who would do this to someone who meant so much to them? Thinking about it, I don't. I don't want him, so I shouldn't be scared about what's happening. Unless the fear is not because I need to feel wanted, but because then I really will be alone?

Either way I need to start standing up for myself. What's the worse that Grumpy can do, divorce me?

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Re: Now what?
#21: January 15, 2019, 06:04:58 AM
Kitty-

While I am not at the place you are right now with talk of D, I do experience the same things you describe. What am I afraid of? Why do I keep trying to hold on?

I think is partly because it has been my life for so many years and a life I was happy with and it has been taken from me. I waffle between both places...why would I want to be with someone who could do something like this to me and wanting the happy life back I had and all that I had envisioned for the future.

You are strong and you don't need anyone else to be happy...needing and wanting are two different things! Be good to yourself!
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Re: Now what?
#22: January 15, 2019, 06:10:56 AM
I think your reflections are good honest ones, my friend.
Perhaps it is that accepting divorce means a bit of you gives up hope that he will come through this crisis and ever be close to the pre-Grumpy you knew? Maybe it is more about being scared of that last bit of letting go of the old him? That's how it was for me anyway.

Of course you don't want someone who doesn't respect and value you or feels this is an ok way to behave. The tricky bit is that this wasn't who they were before, often for many years. But it is what they are right now. And there is less rollercoaster on the other side of divorce although it feels quite wrong that it took two of you to get married but only one to blow it all up...but that is all you have to work with right now until or unless something changes. There is peace away from the crazy.

Everything you have posted on your thread shows that you will be ok whatever happens. You are no longer where you were and you are doing the work to get up on your feet. What happens to Grumpy is simply out of your hands so leave him to God and his own consequences.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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Re: Now what?
#23: January 15, 2019, 09:13:12 AM
I'm here and following along!  You got this!
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10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis
7.20 OW2 Confirmed  5 hours away  Monthy visits  Was hiding her!

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children 
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School
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Re: Now what?
#24: January 15, 2019, 09:30:13 AM
I agree that there is some great reflection in your post!

For me, fear is/was a big part of things. The idea that D might become my reality (hasn't as of yet)... but I am afraid of that and what that means about the finality of things. The fear of being alone, starting over, not worthy, that I made "our" life better than what it was, no one would love me like H supposedly did, almost to the point of ( and this sounds dumb when I say it out loud Jerry Maguire style  ::))that he completed me, that I would never have the life I had with him and the list goes on. I now realize how skewed my perception was. I needed to be whole within myself, within our marriage and I wasn't. I was very insecure emotionally, physically and even spiritually.  I think when this happens it rocks our very foundation and we have to start  to rebuild it for ourselves, and for what we need. Figure out what our morals, values, what's important to us because everything that we "knew" has been ripped out from under us. What made us feel secure before is no longer there.

I know for myself I always said infidelity was something I would never compromise about. It was a deal breaker ( I was always very vocal and adamant about it), and then I was put in this situation and it was no longer a deal breaker. I felt like I betrayed myself to some degree when it wasn't. So I think it causes us to really have to look within, at our behaviors. I like you, was very happy to wait on H, do things for him, take care of him. That was how I showed my love for him. Now I realize there is a fine line and it's a tough behavior to change. I find it difficult to put myself first, and I am working on that, as are you. It's one of the most difficult things we need to do.

You'll wade through all this Kitty and find what you need. You're a smart and tough and willing to look within. A great combination for growth!!

Hugs N Prayers,
FN
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 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

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Re: Now what?
#25: January 15, 2019, 10:47:25 AM
Exactly..if you can look at what would be the worst case scenario and accept it (as in this major Grump bump going for a divorce) and you can handle that. Stand up for yourself.

Show yourself the love and respect first, if someone imho loved and respected  you they wouldn't be doing this. Even if your marriage was what you'd consider happy. His behavior NOW has changed all that.

Even with years invested on your part (even if he isn't thinking about that), to tolerate this kind of disrespect? That is not even the slightest guarantee of restoring your marriage. And if you do want to restore it at any time in the future it needs to be based on respect.

 For me this whole mess I dealt with came down to respect. And until I had it for myself first it's not easy to get it from anyone else.

You gotta give that Grump bump to God. Job is too big for you beyond your pay grade. 
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« Last Edit: January 15, 2019, 11:06:18 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

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Re: Now what?
#26: January 15, 2019, 09:36:12 PM
Hi Kitty,
Great self reflection and valid questions.

Quote
Either way I need to start standing up for myself. What's the worse that Grumpy can do, divorce me?

Yes! for standing up for yourself.
MLCer's divorce means nothing! Clingers do this to control you, to be able to keep you in suspension and fear. They know too well that you don't want to divorce, but if they don't divorce you, for sure, they won't be able to enjoy their new life to the full extent..which they want!

There is a good news about allowing your MLCer to proceed with HIS divorce early into crisis :
- you might get a better settlement, while the MLCer is still ridden with guilt
- you will save yourself from endless touch & goes the clingers love to do
- you'll be free to establish whatever strong boundaries you want
- you can and will control your MLC free environment
- you can actually start to enjoy your single life
- you will have lots of time to explore whatever path you want
..and i can think about much more benefits

But there is a bad news as well...there is a great possibility that Grumpy wouldn't go through with HIS divorce.
Then you will have to decide for yourself whether you'll finish what Grumpy has started or to wait.

In my situation, my Xh went all the way until the first court hearing, then he started backpedaling.  Three weeks before the second court visit he had asked me to re-consider because WE are probably making a big huge mistake.
I just asked him one question - how do you see US working on our marriage?
He said - uhm...errr.. well, we'll live separate for the time being and will spend sometimes together and then we'll see how it goes.. Translation - I'll continue with OW and you wait.

After that answer I've decided to complete the divorce procedure. I was conflicted for a while whether I've made the right choice until the Universe brought me a piece of information..two days after asking me not to divorce him he took off on yet another overseas trip with OW. There is no way that that decision was spontaneous because it does require some planning.
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Re: Now what?
#27: January 16, 2019, 12:28:48 PM
Thanks exhausted, Treasur, Sam, FearNot, in it, and Busy_Bee

I told Grumpy when he first mentioned D back in March 2018, that I didn't want it, but if that was his choice I wouldn't fight him, but I wasn't going to help him either. If he wants this, HE is going to be doing all the work, not me. I agreed to meet with him this past Saturday to figure out what the terms were going to be. I had a number in mind, and he was close enough to it to make me happy. I also told him that because we were married for 12 years that whatever monies we agree on will be paid for 6 years. He agreed to that also. He also told me that he will have the ticket for the trip to Orlando in February put on hold for me to use on a different date. I offered him the price of the ticket, and he told me not to worry about it.

Before I left he said he would call his L to have papers drawn up, and he would get in touch with me to find a date and time that works for me to go sign.

My friends told me to take him for everything I can get. I can't do it.

A.) Because I don't have the money to do that. If I tried to fight I think his parents would probably open their wallets to help, even if they don't agree with what he's doing.

B.) Because I just don't want to fight. I kind of feel like I'm at the point where I want it done. I have a decent paying job, money is kind of tight, but nothing I can't handle. I'm actually planning on taking the money he will be giving me and putting it in savings. The only reason I'm staying with my cousin still is because some of the apartments I am interested in aren't available until spring, plus I don't want to move in the winter again.
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Re: Now what?
#28: January 16, 2019, 02:58:18 PM
Kitty-

I've been thinking a lot about that old saying...if you love something set it free. I think setting him free right now and not fighting it is also letting you set yourself free.

You will survive this!!!  <<HUGS>>
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« Last Edit: January 16, 2019, 03:20:03 PM by exhausted »
Met 4/1986
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BD 6/2017
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Re: Now what?
#29: January 16, 2019, 03:15:29 PM
Kitty, your perspective of where you are and why makes sense. A lot of us reach that point of no longer wanting to fight what seems inevitable and exhausting. And not having to tussle with an MLCer does reduce the need for contact and does often let us focus on our own lives and healing more easily.

It seems very clear that MLC doesn't stop with a divorce, and neither does any choice to stand or reconnect. That's up to you. But as exhausted says, I too decided that I would respect my h's wishes and let him go and respect my own worth by removing MLC from my life. It's a sad, awful, inexplicable thing to happen when someone we love becomes so changed and unreachable, but choosing how we let go is often the only option we have.

And yes, you will survive this too xx
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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