Author Topic: My Story I guess I'll start my new thread...  (Read 867 times)

Offline NasTopic starter

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My Story I guess I'll start my new thread...
« on: January 14, 2019, 06:34:09 AM »
So I don't have anything to update and I'm tired of talking about cancer right now anyway, which sadly has been most of what is going on in my life.  I've been posting on and off a bit, but just wanted to start a new thread of my own, just so I'd have one.

Quite honestly, I've been a bit disappointed in the amount of verbal abuse and/or lack of empathy for situations that may differ from one's own that has gone on in the past few months, which is why I have had less of a desire to start a new thread of my own.  I'm not talking about strongly worded posts directed at people who are standing but continuously demonstrating that their actions are very negatively impacting their stand.  Sometimes people will get to a point where they take a harsher tone, but despite the harsh tone, the posts still address the main concern (actions taken or not taken by a person who is standing for their marriage) and they contain valuable thoughts and ideas. 

I'm talking about a direct lack of empathy for situations one has never experienced (such as the financial struggles of LBSs who were deceived by MLCers who are not only not contributing, but also put the LBS in a financial hole), and more disturbingly, the childish, insulting and dismissive remarks, innuendos and insinuations that add absolutely no value to a discussion and don't make people think or look at the situation from a different view, but are intended to shut down and "silence" the other person or are solely intended to hurt them. 

As a community of already-hurting people - heck, just as a community of people, period - we should not tolerate it.  This is a place for open and honest discussion, where each person should feel safe to express what they feel.

This is also a place for growth, where each person should be open to hearing conflicting ideas and willing to listen to other people, even if they disagree. 

Disagreements and, yes, even arguments are allowed on this forum.  People can even blow up an issue and argue relentlessly, as has happened, but that doesn't open the door to personal insults or cruel, cutting remarks. 

As members of a community, if we want to engage in discussion or debate, we also have an obligation to LISTEN to and attempt to understand our fellow community members. 

We all have the right to state how we feel about a subject.  When someone asks a direct question in their thread, we all have the right to answer it and state exactly what we think.  If we disagree with what others have posted, we have the right to say so and engage in healthy debate.  We have the right to be firm if we feel a person is taking actions that will hurt their own stand (hence the phrase 2x4).  We also have the right to depart a discussion whenever we feel it's not serving us anymore.

A person even has every right to ask for advice and then respectfully argue against all advice given until they get one person to give them the answer they want. That's not a healthy, helpful discussion and won't help them, and will likely really hurt them in the long run, but they have a right to do it if that's what they want. 

But vicious barbs and insults contribute absolutely nothing to ongoing discussion and they have no place here, among a group of people already dealing with multiple stressful issues. 

So there you go.  Not a very positive way to start off my new thread, but I'm not sorry.  It's what I feel and I believe was necessary to say. 

Previous thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10442.msg702766#msg702766
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Treasur

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Re: I guess I'll start my new thread...
« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2019, 06:49:07 AM »
Actually strikes me as a very positive way to start your new thread bc it is about Respect.
Most of us have been profoundly disrespected - by spouses, friends, family perhaps, ourselves even at times, maybe the legal system - and it seems to me that the very least we can offer each other now is a little respect. We may not all agree or we may be at different stages emotionally or have different challenges, but we can communicate with respect regardless.
Because each person here matters in their own right whether we like them or agree with them or don't.
And sometimes that also means stepping back or saying 'I don't like this way of communicating to/about others, please stop' and having some personal boundaries too which is fine.

We care about you too, Nas, so I for one hope you will continue to post when and if you need to do so.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: I guess I'll start my new thread...
« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2019, 07:21:08 AM »
I agree so much with your post Nas.  I agree here lately there have been some post that are totally uncalled for.
I love that you said you are not sorry. You shouldn't be.
Your stating your opinion and it is so true.
There have been alot of days this site and people on here have been the main and single reason I made it thru the day.

Welcome to your new thread, keep telling it just how you feel.

Offline Anon

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Re: I guess I'll start my new thread...
« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2019, 08:11:02 AM »
Welcome to your new thread Nas!   What a great post to start off with as well.  For the most part, I enjoy this forum immensely and have gained much strength and knowledge here.  However,  I do need boundaries to avoid the poison that occasionally gets served up and to protect me from the chaos and drama that some posters seem to enjoy so much. 

Nas, I just want you to know how much I value your presence here on the forum.  You are a wonderful example of strength through adversity which is so inspiring. 

Thank you for posting and starting your new thread.   




Offline Thunder

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Re: I guess I'll start my new thread...
« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2019, 08:44:37 AM »
Following along as always, Nas. 

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online KeepItTogether

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Re: I guess I'll start my new thread...
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2019, 09:16:47 AM »
I love and agree with everything you said. And I think it is quite positive. I’ve seen some of the posts I think you are referring to. And I was pretty impressed at how you so gracefully and empathetically made your points though they were shot down essentially. Shows true compassion Nas.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Milly

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Re: I guess I'll start my new thread...
« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2019, 10:35:37 AM »
Joining your new thread, Nas, as always. I agree with everything you said and with how you said it. This has been part of my growth, learning to speak up in a graceful manner about the things that I don't like.

I shun from threads when the LBSes becomes offensive. It feels like a stab at me at me, too. As you say, we are at various stages of healing, most of us are still angry and resentful at times, but not all the time, and we don't want to take our resentment at our Hs, the OW, the lot we've been dealt with on our hurting community. This is the community that has supported us when others weren't able to. No place like here truly understands what we're dealing with and is rooting for us.

As you say, the 2x4s are to help us grow not to hurt us. We've had so much of that already. And the insults are to silence us.

I second your request, let's be gentle with each other.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online BrenM

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Re: I guess I'll start my new thread...
« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2019, 11:23:51 AM »
Spot on Nas and I totally agree.  And YES it needs to be said. 

Yesterday, I was very perturbed over a thread, disappointed in several posters replies that I actually went searching for the HS Mission Statement. 

Welcome to the online community for MidlifeCrisisMarriageAdvocate.com. This site exists as an educational and supportive community for the purpose of surviving a spouse’s midlife crisis and/or infidelity regardless of whether the marriage survives or not, though it is based on that as a goal. Not all community members are Standers; it is for each individual to choose whether to Stand, or whether to step down. Not all community members share religious beliefs; this is a community for all Faiths; please be polite and respectful.

Mission Statement
To provide information, advice and support on how to Stand for marriage to men and women experiencing midlife crisis and infidelity in their marriages.
To prevent divorces.
To reduce the overall rate of divorce.
To encourage an alternative to divorce.
To encourage personal growth and loving of one’s Self.
This is accomplished by…

 
Offering a community for non-judgmental support.
Teaching and encouraging Agape and Forgiveness for all people and all situations.
Providing resources for continuing development and education.
Offering individual Coaching
We make no judgments; all are welcome. This is a place of love and support, not a place to degrade and insult others—including your MLC spouse.
Though heavily influenced by Christianity, people of all Faiths are welcome.
Though most of us are heterosexual, we do not discriminate based on sexual orientation.
[/b]
[/color]

Sadly, It would appear that some posters have deviated somewhat from the purpose of this thread. 

As members we should never give up on anyone.  We know too well the emotions that we suffer as a LBS.  Added to the pressure of their everyday life.....life is very difficult for some.  Everyone handles situations differently....some have no control of the internal rage they feel...and that is perfectly OK. 

HS has many LBS lurkers (sorry I couldn't think of another word), many members who do not post but read. You just need to,look at the number of views to a post in comparison to the replies.  Many members read most posts as a daily ritual. I guess they all have various reasons why they don't contribute, maybe they feel as though they have nothing significant to contribute (as there has been no change in MLCer), just don't feel like posting, and sadly some posters fear posting.  We all get like that.  These people are hurting in some capacity too.  These posters do keep in contact with members via PM's for support. What I am getting at is that replies don't  only affect the recipient of the barb but many others in the background.   Compassion and respect is paramount for us all.  Everyone has a story and has the right to journal and share their journey without critical and judgemental replies. Let's keep things positive.

I personally believe that nothing will change until moderators and/or hierarchy step in.  I know many sites and forums enforce a temporary account lockout system when members breach appropriate conduct.   Eg 1st Breach they are locked out for 24 hours, 2nd Breach they are locked out for 48 hours etc.  Sadly it is the same offenders throughout HS. I think they don't realise how pungent and dogmatic their replies are. Like us all, these members too are damaged and deserve sympathy and compassion, but sometimes there is a fine line of tolerance when their pompous replies hurt many.

Let's hope that this site gets back on track as continues to be a safe haven for many battered LBS souls.

Take care Nas xx

« Last Edit: January 14, 2019, 12:05:08 PM by BrenM »
Me 47
Him 47
OW 32
Married - 20 years
Together - 28 years
BD - Nov 2014 - reason for affair said I controlled his life, wore flannelette pyjama pants to bed and drove our family car 🤔
Moved in with Young OW and her 2 kids Jan 2015
Total Vanisher
Divorced Sept 2016
S21, S17, S16 (autism), D14

🌹🌹Let's be real...Bren is the only one who can do Bren. I'm the best Bren on the planet. Trying to turn a skank into a Bren? That will surely end in disappointment, if it hasn't already.🌹🌹

❤❤Family isn't an important thing.  IT IS EVERYTHING!! ❤❤



Vanished Return Stories Thread #1 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9088.0;all
Vanisher Return Stories Link Thread #2 - https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9378.new#new

Offline NasTopic starter

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Re: I guess I'll start my new thread...
« Reply #8 on: January 14, 2019, 12:20:28 PM »
 

As members we should never give up on anyone.  We know too well the emotions that we suffer as a LBS.  Added to the pressure of their everyday life.....life is very difficult for some.  Everyone handles situations differently....some have no control of the internal rage they feel...and that is perfectly OK. 



Hi Bren,
I feel you come at all of your posts from an authentic place and I know we share a lot of similar pain.  But sadly, I feel you and I are coming at this from two very different perspectives.

I unfortunately feel that, although it is very, very rare, there comes a time when a person becomes too abusive to continue to engage with.

And I disagree that it's okay to have no control over internal rage, to the point where you take it out on other HS members.  We are dealing with midlife crisis.  We're not teenagers without fully formed brains.  We all come here as adults, and as such, we should be able to have a discussion and disagree without uncontrollably lashing out at people.

We all come to HS to try to find our way through an unbelievably stressful and hurtful time in our lives.  We're not all standing, but we try to help those who are standing to further their own cause.  All of us have at times heard hard truths that we don't want to hear and it's about how we respond to those hard truths.  We can push back, we can stubbornly refuse to get on our own journey.  That's all free will.  We can do or not do whatever we want. 

When we ask for advice and responses are given that we don't like, we can ask questions, we can respectfully argue.  We're all adults here.  If we feel hurt, we can even say so and point out that the advice felt too strongly worded.  But we can't respond by viciously insulting a person. 

We are not here to dismiss and silence each other.  Many people got enough of that from the MLCer in their life.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Anjae

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Re: I guess I'll start my new thread...
« Reply #9 on: January 14, 2019, 12:21:53 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Nas.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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