Author Topic: My Story The Positives XXIII  (Read 3667 times)

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story The Positives XXIII
« on: January 14, 2019, 11:44:55 AM »
Here I am starting my new thread. Please can someone link my threads! I apologise for continuing to be hopeless over this stuff!

I feel the last thread ended at a difficult time so I’ll continue it here.

Thank you 31, Milly, Nerissa, Anjae, Savvy, T & L and xy.

I’m grateful as always to all of you for your support and picking me back up when I’ve faltered yet again.

I’ve had a big wobble and am now trying to move forward. I’ve kept occupied and busy since I found out. If I stop to think I’m afraid I may break!

I’m still in shock and can’t believe this has happened! Can’t believe he would knowingly hurt me again after our talks and him knowing the pain I still carry inside me!

How can a sane person do that to the person they claim to love?

I cannot forgive this. I can’t continue with this. It’s just too much. He obviously loves his horrid life and prefers some random skank to me and his beautiful, loving family! It shouts insanity to me. He must see himself as some teenage lothario!

Well he has nothing to offer anyone and his health problems along with his depression will flare again but the difference is, next time I won’t be there to hold his hand, hold him whilst he’s in pain and crying. He’ll be alone and he must feel what he’s got is so worth all that.

All that matters to me is my family, they’re the most precious and valuable thing to me.

I’m sorry if I sound bitter, I just am in total shock and so tired of all this endless crap.

I would like him to divorce me and leave me alone, leave me to get on with what’s left of my life.

I really believed we were nearing the end and we would have a happy ending. I was starting to believe he wanted us all back again. I didn’t expect it to be at all easy but I believed it was finally what he wanted. I thought it was going to be a slow rebuilding and making amends but no, he’s chosen to throw it all away again.

😔

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10427.0
« Last Edit: January 15, 2019, 06:42:12 AM by xyzcf »

Online Treasur

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2019, 12:00:33 PM »
You don't sound bitter, serenity.
You sound shocked, hurt, angry, frustrated, bewildered, disappointed and tired. But not bitter.
I don't think you had a wobble either. I think your h threw another grenade at you.
And you're right of course, no sane person can understand it. But no sane wise person wants to expose themselves or the precious bits of their life to it either, so of course you feel as you do.
Take the time and space you need to catch your breath. Let him swing in chaos as he wishes while you move yourself back over to the sane, peaceful side of the street. Do what you need to do for you.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2019, 12:19:14 PM »

Welcome to your new thread, Serenity.

I am sorry you are hurting.

Of course your husband is still not on his right mind.

You don't sound bitter, you sound upset, and rightfully so, and in shock.

May I suggest you keep any decisions you may wish to take to when you are felling well?

It is possible you husband does want you to be back again. For some reason, he is not ready yet. Long time and very long time MLCers are very hard to understand. Let alone those who seem to be coming out, reach out and it all looks like going well, then, back to the crazy MLC they are.

Sadly, nothing you can do about husband. Back to focus on Serenity and her family.

Hugs,
xx
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2019, 08:44:20 PM »
It will take you a few days to make sense of this new GF rubbish. They really don't appear to think about anyone but themselves, do they?

What about how you would feel when you heard the news?

Probably best to go dark on him until you feel able to deal with this mad person who gave up everything to have a terrible life.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2019, 03:42:00 AM »
Hello dear Treasur, Anjae and Savvy,

Lovely to find you here. I’m ok but feeling bit sad today despite trying to convince myself I’m fine.

I know he’s not worth it and I deserve so much better especially after all I’ve done to help him recently.

I would just like to say that I had a VERY long phone call with Savvy last night and what a lovely, lovely, kind and strong lady she is. Yet again having to deal with a damned fool of a MLCer! Nearly every LBS I’ve met and talked to are such fine and decent people!

We are all amazing

Much love to you all

X

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2019, 03:43:41 AM »
PS would one of the mods please be kind enough to link my threads

Thank you so much

X

Their linked, Serenity.   :)
« Last Edit: January 15, 2019, 08:55:20 AM by Thunder »

Offline Nas

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2019, 06:32:18 AM »
Following along, serenity.  I don't have much to add to what's already been said.  I'm sorry you're dealing with this and hope you know you don't deserve it.  It is amazing how time after time, the shock of being faced with their selfishness and foolishness is just as deep.  You'd think at a certain point we'd be numb to it but, no, it still hurts. 

You are a great example of sticking to your boundaries.  Any OW in the picture = no serenity. (literally and figuratively!)

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2019, 06:44:11 AM »
Serenity,

I am glad to see you perking up after h's attempt at throwing you under the bus again >:(

I know that it is sad that he has such a callous attitude after you made the effort to help him in every which way. Know that he is the one with a bad attitude, not you for being kind to him.

Time to leave him to his own resources and focus on the lovely parts of your life. You are so good at creating beautiful spaces :) it just comes through your posts...

xx
M 58
H 58
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2019, 07:03:30 AM »
Good morning serenity.

Raw. This is how I read your post for the second or third time. Raw.

I picked out these phrases that struck me, because I have felt them too:


"I’m afraid I may break!
I’m still in shock
can’t believe this has happened
How can a sane person do that
It’s just too much.
It shouts insanity to me.
he has nothing to offer anyone and his health problems along with his depression will flare again
I just am in total shock and so tired of all this endless crap.
he’s chosen to throw it all away again."

We have learned over the years that certain things can be relied on. In most relationships we have with others, especially close relationships, we are good at being able to know what to expect. In our marriages, we knew who our husbands were. Loyal, honest, trust worthy, loving, caring about others, family loving.

They are like Dr. Jekell and Mr Hyde.  It is very damaging to us who have experienced this change from one moment to the next, from a loved one who comes to us, talks "normally", brings us gifts to someone we do not recognize....to someone who can still cause us deep, deep pain.

In a therapy session before he shocked me by divorcing me so suddenly, I had turned my hands towards the room as I said "this is not enough" while turning my hands towards my heart. You know that the therapy is a mind/body type and the therapist pointed that out to me, what my hands and body were doing as I was saying the words...because the actions from my Beloved are not enough to sustain me.  These small actions that "seem" to speak to me that he is drawing near....do not mean to him what they mean to me.

Did he feel that there was a closeness that he does not want developing? Is that why he suddenly divorced me? Is that why your husband suddenly found a new girlfriend?

As you know, we can debate long and hard about these things...but we shall never really know.

I go back to the early months, when I termed these actions "flipping"...so many times his telling me one thing and then doing the opposite and never explaining why...that "kills" me...at least give me some explanation instead of stoney silence or lies!!!!!

Your reaction to this is normal. It is painful and you feel terrible, again...how does this happen, that we still bleed when they do these things?

But we do.

My only consolation, is my belief that there is something seriously wrong with them.....inside of them, they do not have any empathy/compassion or "goodness"..whatever is causing them to be like this, I probably will never know the cause...but the actions of so many who do something like this convince me that we are dealing with something beyond our ability to comprehend.

May peace be in your heart today.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2019, 08:05:52 AM »
Hi, Serenity,

I read what you wrote about him "obviously loving his horrid life" and just shake my head -- I don't think it's anything to do with him loving his life and preferring someone else to you, I think he was faced with the mirror and ran, yet again.   It doesn't at all sound like a considered action. 

I, too, wondered exactly that a few years ago when something similar happened, and realised that it had nothing to do with him making a rational choice, and certainly nothing to do with me or our marriage.  Just like it has nothing to do with your marriage -- you have shown nothing but love and kindness.

I think the line that MLCers don't want someone better than us, they want someone worse than themselves, applies. 

I also think that xy may be right when she said that he may have seen a closeness developing, and then another OW gave him an "out"; provided a distraction, "told" him that he had made the right decision leaving, all that. 

xy is right, we do still bleed when they do this; keeping a healthy distance is often the only thing that helps.  We don't understand, because what we are faced with isn't understandable.

And like we say, this all goes to show that something is seriously wrong.  And our job is to take care of ourselves and our families, leaving them to it, hard and painful as that is.

Thinking of you,

x

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #10 on: January 15, 2019, 09:07:00 AM »
Firstly, thank you to who ever linked my threads😁

And then a big thank you to all you dear, sweet ladies. So kind and never tire of helping me despite all your own hurts. I’m truly humbled.

All imparting such wise words and thoughts.

T & L I feel my H has done absolutely no work on himself - told me he doesn’t believe he actually has a problem! All he’s done is drift from one woman to another. My D and I were both shocked at the speed at him finding this Ow and then her apparently staying for a w/e. What sort of person behaves that way? X

Dear xy, you certainly highlighted my hurts! It is indeed truly shocking that they can indeed still hurt us so very deeply as you too have experienced with your unexplained sudden divorce! None of it makes any sense or can be explained! All we do know is they’re certainly not ‘right’! X

Mitzpah you’re so sweet and kind. I will just carry on. My dear friends in RL are rallying too despite them probably being very sick of my endless problem. They’re still kind snd still listen. I admire your unending strengths X

Nas - thank you. I admire you and all you write. You’re a very brave and strong lady with all that’s been thrown at you. I feel my boundary is all I can do. I can’t even imagine how he convinced himself how this would all be ok and id still be his close friend. I’ve told him forcibly enough times for him to know how much this will hurt me but obviously he’s arrogant enough to not care. That I will never understand when I know he loves me and misses me! Again something very wrong with their logic! X

Much love to you all

Hugs

X





Online Treasur

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #11 on: January 15, 2019, 12:31:07 PM »
My EMDR therapist said to me today that there has been madness around me, but it is important to know that the madness is not IN me if that makes sense.
It was incredibly comforting to hear someone else say yes, this is madness and twisted and horrible and not normal.

In the end, for me, I felt the madness was a pollutant. It was infecting me and my spirit and my memories of my h and my own life. The less contact I had with the madness the easier it was to have a clear gap between me and it. It is the saddest thing, I know, but sometimes if the dark stuff rolls back in to them, all you can do is step further away and keep your own oxygen mask on.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #12 on: January 15, 2019, 02:01:51 PM »
Thank you Treasur,

That was amazing! I appreciate you telling me that.

Hopefully we’ll be meeting up soon so I’d love to hear lots more about that!

Tbh although I’m feeling sad and missing my real H I always start to feel better immediately that I’m away from his craziness!

Even when he was staying here after his last hosp stay and it was nice and we got on well I was actually glad in a way when he upset me that I then had an excuse to take him home. I found it actually quite hard him being here all the time. I feel really horrid for saying that but I’m being honest!

Hugs

X

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #13 on: January 15, 2019, 02:41:58 PM »
Dear Serenity,

Glad to know you're OK. It is normal to feel sad. It was another big blow.

Did he feel that there was a closeness that he does not want developing?

Interesting idea that there may be a closeness a MLCers does not want to develop, so they get a new OW/OM or some other MLC behaviour.

...  I think he was faced with the mirror and ran, yet again.   It doesn't at all sound like a considered action. 

Another interesting thought, and most likely true. Your husband got too close to the mirror, couldn't face it, run again.

Being away from the crazyness is good. We can't do anything about crazy, so, much better for us and our health to be away from it.

If you didn't felt comfortable having your husband around all the time when he was, then you didn't. It may not be nice to say, but it is your truth. I suppose it is quite complicated to have the MLCer around, even if they are showing signs of being a bit out of the tunnel.

I surely could not live with MLC Mr J around. He was around to much during the seven months after BD I stayed in the capital. It was insane.

Hugs
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #14 on: January 15, 2019, 03:17:12 PM »
Another LBS made a good point to me in a message and actually my eldest son said same!

It was when my H was really ill and down and just wanted me as I’m safe and comforting and now he’s feeling better he’s run off to feel young and exciting again.

My son said he’s a very weak man!

I don’t honestly think this version of my H is worth having if I’m honest. It’s the memory of who he was that makes me sad!

This version has absolutely nothing to offer anyone. I can’t imagine who would take up with him. On a superficial level I suppose he looks ok now he’s better, but he will get ill again and the depression will hit again very soon, and I expect he makes his new business sound very successful. The thing with me is I know the truth behind the mask!

X

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #15 on: January 15, 2019, 03:23:28 PM »
It was when my H was really ill and down and just wanted me as I’m safe and comforting and now he’s feeling better he’s run off to feel young and exciting again.

This too. MLCers do that, return to comfort and safety when they are ill or feel very down, then, when they are well/feel better, leave to be "young" again.

I don’t honestly think this version of my H is worth having if I’m honest. It’s the memory of who he was that makes me sad!

The MLC version is never worth having. The pre-MLC is, or the hope that the post-MLC will be a better version of the pre-MCL is.

The thing with me is I know the truth behind the mask!

Hence why MLCers can't stay around the LBS. The LBS knows the truth and can see behind the mask.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Thunder

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #16 on: January 15, 2019, 08:05:14 PM »
Serenity, I think this midlife crisis does a real, serious number on these people. 

They say they get to be a better person afterwards but I honestly don't believe that anymore.
I really believe it changes them into entirely different people.

I'm not sure why that is, maybe something in their chemical make up.
They never seem the same afterwards.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #17 on: January 16, 2019, 01:21:09 AM »
Hello Anjae and Thunder,

Thanks for posting.

I do actually agree with you now. I don’t think many (maybe a few) come out better people. They are changed. Although I see my old H, I see so much of a different man and I feel it would be impossible for him to be the man he was now!

I love RCR and am forever grateful to her for starting this site and her articles but I honestly think it all needs re writing and the articles changing as we know so much more now. We now see true MLC isn’t a quick fix. Only mid life transitions seem to be short and then most seem to return.

I’m not even so sure about the stages either. Although my H’s crisis has changed and he’s much better than he was I don’t feel he’s followed the stages. I just think the years have passed and things change.

All I know is I’ve given him so much, I’ve given him so many chances and he then continues to throw it back at me with absolutely no regard for the pain that he must know he’s causing me. I’ve yold him enough times how his actions affect and hurt me. He behaves like he’s inhuman. I could never knowingly do the same to him that he’s done to me and expect him to still have me in his life and love and care for me! I wouldn’t even treat someone I hated this way!

I’ve spoken with several LBS’s and have received more great advice from everyone.

I think my life is better spent with my lovely friends, children and granddaughter. Who genuinely love and care for me and don’t just make use of me!

Hugs to you all

X

Offline Nas

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #18 on: January 16, 2019, 02:38:27 AM »
I think maybe the old theory that most will come through and few will become stuck might need to be changed to few will come through and most will become stuck.  :-\
Sorry for the negative comment, but it kind of seems like that’s what we are seeing as the years go on.

Offline Thunder

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #19 on: January 16, 2019, 05:06:12 AM »
I don't know Nas, I still believe most of them come out of their crisis, I just don't believe most of them come out better.  Same..possibly, but better?  I know people leave here after the reconcile, so I can only speak about the one who stay.  I've only seen a very few that were better people afterwards. 
I think it is pretty rare.

I do agree after the years I've been here there are things I do think should be changed, with the articles.  Updated more to reflect what really happens during this crisis.

I still talk to two people who no longer post here, but have reconciled.
They both say their H's still are not being intimate with them, or it's a seldom thing.  It's crazy.  They treat them good and they seem happy but for some reason the intimate part is missing.  I have no idea way that is.  I'm not talking about a hug, it's more like the deep kissing and the passion isn't there.

Idk, I sure don't understand it.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #20 on: January 16, 2019, 06:08:18 AM »
Attaching to your new Thread
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #21 on: January 16, 2019, 11:38:42 AM »
I think maybe the old theory that most will come through and few will become stuck might need to be changed to few will come through and most will become stuck.  :-\
Sorry for the negative comment, but it kind of seems like that’s what we are seeing as the years go on.

I disagree. I still think most come out of MLC. The problem is, at first, RCR had MLC at a very short time frame, which tends to be the time frame most places that talk about MLC have. The reality is that MLC can last, an often does, far longer than we thought.

It is not possible to know if a person that is still in crisis will become, or not become, a better version of themselves. Serenity's husband is still in Replay. None of us know how he will be when is crisis is over.

We know, and so does, Serenity, that he can change, because for a little while, he did. I think he will come out of crisis, just not right now.

If we read the threads of those reconnected/reconciled, many state their spouse is a better version than the pre-MLC one. It does not mean all MLCers once out of crisis will be a better version of themselves.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #22 on: January 16, 2019, 02:04:23 PM »
Hello Nas, Thunder, UM and Anjae,

I do honestly believe my husband has moved through the tunnel if you like. He’s very different now to how he was early in his crisis. His anger towards me lasted about a year and half, the monstering stopped about three years ago. I do believe he’s nearer the end BUT he hasn’t done any work on himself so I guess remains stuck, just going back and back into replay maybe to get that high or fix but the current new R will fail too just like all the rest have!

He messaged me tonight to see if I was ok, wanting to know why I wasn’t answering any of his texts. I’m sure he knew full well but obviously needed me to spell it out to him so I did. I answered him very briefly and firmly that I refuse to be in his life now that’s he’s taken up with yet another OW!

The way I’m feeling atm - I’m completely done. All I feel for him today is disgust!

X

Online Treasur

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #23 on: January 16, 2019, 02:10:57 PM »
Sounds like the right choice for you at the moment though, Serenity, so well done on picking yourself up so quickly. And his texts? Oh my goodness, sometimes they just behave like children, it's ridiculous. You ARE ok...bc you are not interested in spending time or energy with people who disrespect you or mess up your lovely serenity  :) :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #24 on: January 16, 2019, 02:15:11 PM »
I do honestly believe my husband has moved through the tunnel if you like.

Interesting point of view. I think what you are seeing, and have saw through the years, are the several "phases" of Replay. Not all MLCers keep their anger towards the LBS for years and some (several?), at a point, stop monstering at the LBS. But that does not mean the crisis is over. Think about Wallowers, for example. Many Wallowers don't monster, but that does not mean they are not sill in crisis.

If your husband went back to Replay, then, logically, he is still in crisis. I remeber that HB used to say there comes a point when a MLCer peeps out of the tunnel, then goes back inside, but they can only walk so far back. RCR has the same thing in the articles. At times, I think we forget MLC is often not linear, and that MLCers come foward, then go back again. They may not be able to go back to the start of Replay, but they may be able to stay in the new back for a good while.

Lets see what your husband reply to your message is. Could it be that, in his MLC mind, he thought that you were fine with him being around you while also having a new girlfriend? Could he, in that regard, still be with the usual MLCer "having the LBS and OW/OM" and lead a life of "we can all be friends"?

The way I’m feeling atm - I’m completely done. All I feel for him today is disgust!

It is fine. His behaviour was disgusting. You can always stop being done later on if you want to.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online Rising Phoenix

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #25 on: January 16, 2019, 02:15:23 PM »
Bit late serenity but attaching xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #26 on: January 16, 2019, 05:53:03 PM »
Hi gorgeous Serenity,  I absolutely loved our conversation and am amazed at how similar we are in our feelings towards MLC and our H's.  We both had similar marriages and have similar values, but our H's were very good men with the utmost integrity before they weren't :'(

I don't know what the outcome is going to be for either of us but I know it's going to be what's best for us.

I do hope your H contacts with a decent explanation about the current ow.  I know it's crazy to expect 'decent' from them at any time but let's hope there is an exception this time.

Get some sleep and eat well, you'll need all your energy to deal with this man ::)

((((((((Hugs))))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #27 on: January 17, 2019, 03:01:10 AM »
Serenity,

I am glad you were able to be clear with that foggy minded person :P

I wonder whether he is just in teenage mode, just pushing at your boundaries to see if they stick?  ::) 

I think all we can do is be consistent in our attitudes and carry on living our lives with our heads high knowing that we are doing our level best.

I am sure he got something to think about ;)
M 58
H 58
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #28 on: January 20, 2019, 04:43:32 PM »
I’m sorry I’ve been absent my sweet friend but you are receiving the best of the best advice 💝
You are better than your H . Sorry it is as simple as that! Crisis. Change. Whatever? Good people do not use and abuse people!!
 You Are the best! Remember that my friend!

He has a whole lot of work to do to catch up
(Hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #29 on: January 28, 2019, 09:55:10 AM »
Thank you all,

Dear 31, Mitzpah, Savvy, RP, Anjae and Treasur,

Still trying to pick myself up and find a new balance for myself after last couple months!

I’m still hurting, upset, dreaming of H and trying to find answers that aren’t there!

I would anyone’s opinion.....

My D rang me today and told me that H has contacted her and asked to go and stay with her! She told him could!

I’m really hurt and disappointed! She knows how upset I’ve been and that I’m still very tearful and not recovered. I really thought she’d have something to say to H after what he’s done to me yet again. I’m shocked at her if I’m honest! Once again no consequences for H’s disgusting behaviour!

Apparently our youngest son spoke to H about the supposed new OW and H said that it wouldn’t work and he won’t be seeing her again. I have no idea what’s going on and don’t really care - I just want to stop hurting and stop crying!

Just wondered what anyone else thinks about this.

X

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #30 on: January 28, 2019, 10:06:40 AM »
It really hurts when our kids and their dads are together, for whatever reason. It is so difficult for our kids because they should never have had to pick sides.

I still think it is important and positive that our kids maintain as much of a relationship as they can with their dad. In the long run, that is better even though it "triggers" us.

I find it better for me when I have no idea what he is doing, either with our daughter of in general in his life...I am not a part of his life anymore and it just seems that knowing about him causes me more grief.

I am sorry serenity.  :'( Sometimes it just screams to me "this is NOT fair" but I still personally would encourage my daughter to always be open to her dad. She doesn't tell me much about their contact and I am sure she doesn't tell him much if anything about my life....what a difficult position for them to be in!

Quote
I just want to stop hurting and stop crying!

There are times when I am still in that place, but I also realize that "that place" is no where near as dark as it once was, and that there are many many other good times for which I am grateful.

I cannot change this at all but thankfully, things shift at times and bring me to a place of peace and yes, even to a place of happiness and joy. Our journey is not an easy one...we so often have said that it would have been "easier" if they had died...there is no closure to this and they are living a life totally opposite of what we plannned and dreamed of..of course it hurts terribly!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #31 on: January 28, 2019, 10:14:51 AM »
Thank you dear xy,

I very much appreciate your post and I know only to well that you understand my pain

You are under correct that the pain is nowhere near the early days of being on the floor and crying daily and endlessly.

I met up with a newish friend today that is sadly in the early days of this horrid journey. Her pain is still quite raw and I don’t feel a very good example of being the other side of this thing!

Not that long ago I was on a high but thanks to my H he’s dragged me back down to a sad place with no answers and no closure

I know you’re right over our children but I’m just surprised my D has so soon just let the latest hurt go! I thought there would be something said to her dad and some consequence. It just ‘feels’ he can just do as he pleases and then still play happy families with them whenever he feels like it. I can’t even make the journey to visit my daughter alone as I have a chronic back condition. H on the other hand has no ties or anything so can go whenever it suits him!

Just so tired of hurting😔

X

Offline Thunder

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #32 on: January 28, 2019, 10:56:43 AM »
I'm so sorry serenity.  None of this is fair.  >:(

Maybe it would be better if you asked your D not to tell you when he contacts her because this is still a little raw for you.  You need some time to adjust.
I'm sure she would understand.

{{{Big Hug}}}
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #33 on: January 28, 2019, 11:34:14 AM »
Thank you Thunder

Hugs

X

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #34 on: January 28, 2019, 11:37:18 AM »
I know serenity....wish I could erase him from my thoughts but I cannot seem to do that.

We never choose this, never choose to have our families so divided....once I look at it from my daughter's point of view, I have a bit of an easier time accepting that they are going to spend time together and that is what I would want rather than a father who completely would have abandoned her.

Many times I tell myself, he doesn't want to be married to me. This is his freedom to live as he wants..that helps a bit.

xo
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #35 on: January 28, 2019, 11:53:40 AM »
Thank you dear xy,

I know you’re all right. It’s just my D was always my biggest support and comfort in all this.

I know she doesn’t want to go back to all the years she didn’t see him or have him in her life.

She misses him so is willing to accept this half version of what she knew!

I wouldn’t want her going behind my back if I’m being honest but it just felt a bit quick like he’s forgiven in her eyes

I’ll get over it and hopefully pick myself up again soon

Hugs

X

Online Treasur

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #36 on: January 28, 2019, 12:14:57 PM »
You will bc your love for your daughter is bigger than your understandable anger with your h...bc that is the kind of woman you are.

Take a breath. Normal serenity service will be resumed.
I have a sneaking suspicion that your h is aiming to wriggle through a back door via your daughter, I hope not but you are wise enough to set up any new boundaries you need to keep the horrid stuff away. And your daughter may find him far from a pleasant house guest so she might need your support with boundaries too  ::)
« Last Edit: January 28, 2019, 12:22:45 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #37 on: January 28, 2019, 12:15:50 PM »
Dear Serenity,

I am sorry that you are still hurting.

Your D is still your husband's D as well. No point in having the kids turning their back on dad, is there? She probably feels he needs her, or is afraid of losing him. She is not afraid of losing you.

No idea why husband said to youngest son new OW will not worl and he will not be seeing her again. Probably because it really will not work. Who knows what is going on with your husband. He himself may not know.

Hugs.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2019, 12:28:58 PM by Anjae »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #38 on: January 28, 2019, 12:26:02 PM »
Thank you Treasur and Anjae,

Treasur you made me chuckle - I’m grateful! I love that line... normal Serenity service will be resumed.

You are of course right. I’ll dust myself of (once again) and get my balance back soon. It’s just been a bigger wobble due to the bigger T & G! X

Anjae,

As always the voice of reason and logic - I thank you.

You’re right - my D doesn’t want to lose her dad yet again and is pleased he’s back in her life - even the version that he now is!

When I said to her recently that I missed how her dad was - she simply stated ‘we ALL do mum’

Hugs X

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #39 on: January 28, 2019, 12:33:03 PM »
You're welcome, Serenity.

Of course the kids, like you, miss the husband/dad version that used to exist. But, for now, only has D her dad current version. She cannot turn him into his old version anymore than any of us can turn our MLCers into their old version. Current version as a dad is better than no dad.

Also, being a dad and a husband, as well as being a dauther/son or a spouse, are different things. Husband may be able to be a bit of a dad, but not able to be a husband. At least not the husband you want and need.

Hugs,
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Acorn

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #40 on: January 28, 2019, 12:37:15 PM »

I know you’re right over our children but I’m just surprised my D has so soon just let the latest hurt go! I thought there would be something said to her dad and some consequence.

I totally get the above statement, Serenity.   It hurts because it feels like your D is minimizing your hurt or his callous actions.  If I may, please, she clearly loves both her parents and she may be trying to keep both connections alive. 

I understand from what my daughter said on this latest mother and daughter trip that she didn’t think it was her place to meddle or comment on the relationship between H and me.  She was trying to encourage him to maintain his tenuous emotional connection to the family by being responsive when he reached out to her.  She regarded herself as a conduit between H and the rest of the family.  She thought, ‘at least he is in contact with me, and through me, with the family.’

I’m just offering a different take on your situation from my cheap seat, Serenity.  I see something courageous, generous and positive in your D’s decision to let him stay with her.  Yes, it is she who is doing all the giving in this case and he appears to be getting away with his wrong actions against her mother without any consequences.  Maybe your D letting him stay with her is a sort of ‘consequences’?  As in, this may prompt him to see the contrast between his selfish and immature ways and D’s goodwill.  One can only hope.
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #41 on: January 28, 2019, 12:43:55 PM »
You know, the simple truth is that all of these MLC spouses are often shown more love and grace from their families than their MLC behaviour deserves. Partly bc many of them banked a lot of love by the kind of spouses, parents and human beings they were before, often for many years. Partly bc their families try to shed a little light and hope in what is often a very dark time for everyone. Just as Acorn says.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #42 on: January 28, 2019, 01:02:54 PM »
Thank you Acorn,

Your post actually made me cry!

I must remember that this journey is hard on all of us.

I felt rather rubbish when I posted earlier but with all your views, comments and perspectives I really do feel so much better now. What an amazing, wonderful lot you are

Big hugs all round X

Treasur - wise words! We do offer them so much more than we get in return. But I’ve often quietly thought to myself about the man that worked hard to provide for us, care, love and take care of us all.
That’s why I suppose we all continue to keep giving X




Offline Acorn

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #43 on: January 28, 2019, 01:13:48 PM »
Serenity, you had the option of hurling back ‘rubbish’ to us for our comments.  But instead of doing that, you took them to heart, and in good faith that we all mean well.   Kudos to you! 
((((((HUGS)))))) for your hurting heart....
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #44 on: January 28, 2019, 01:25:49 PM »
Hi Serenity,

More observations from the cheap seats coming your way ;D

I see your D's behaviour as a shining example of the graceful and compassionate way with which you have parented your kids.  Job well done if you ask me.  She is not approving of his antics, she has not been out partying with him.  She HAS seen your pain and for that reason will not be a doormat but rather an extension of your good influence which is both a leading light and a gentle truth dart to your H.

The other good thing I noted was that (if its true) he seems to have made a pretty quick decision about this new ow.  Don't they normally flog dead horses for much longer.  Even if she is the one to have called it quits, their utopian views of romance usually have them hanging in there longer trying to win her back.  His attention seems to have turned back to the family fairly quickly - which leads me to my next point.

He didn't ask to come and stay with you.  I know he would have to be seriously delusional to even ask you but lets face it, he HAS been seriously delusional in the recent past.  This is an improvement in respecting of your boundaries.  I agree with Treasur that he may be trying to come back via the back door but thats pretty normal isn't it?

Sounds like you have already taken some nice deep breaths and are handing this over.  Let go, Let God.  As well as you know him, is it possible that you don't really know what's going on here?  I definitely don't, so forgive me if any of this throws the cat amongst your emotional pigeons.  Just wanted to offer a re-frame.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #45 on: January 28, 2019, 02:17:07 PM »
But I’ve often quietly thought to myself about the man that worked hard to provide for us, care, love and take care of us all.
That’s why I suppose we all continue to keep giving X

In the back of my mind there is still a found memory of caring, kind, hard working Mr J. He remains hard working, for himself.

I agree with Treasur that he may be trying to come back via the back door but thats pretty normal isn't it?

It is totally normal for a MLCer to try to come back by the back door.

Serenity, even if the situation is different, I think your husband is being like Mr J, they are acting strange/doing things we don't understand, but we don't know why. Maybe they do, maybe they don't.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Milly

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #46 on: January 29, 2019, 03:24:41 AM »
Serenity, I pretty much agree with what the others have said, your H is trying to come back through the back door, so a completely normal MLCer. Your D is a bridge between his fantasy life and you. Having a D who has cut off her dad, I do think it's best they keep the connection. I bet it's hard for your H in your D's house. Don't presume that she isn't either throwing him truth darts, or is a truth dart by her existence.

His latest 5 minute wonder, smells of your H running back into the tunnel in desperation to see if he might be able to resuscitate those happy replay moments of the beginning. Didn't work at all though. They do say that when they are close to rock bottom/liminality, they run back into replay to try to avoid the bottom, but it won't work. I wouldn't be surprised if your H's recent health scare was an awakening but he's not quite done yet.

I would say that if you still want to reconcile, as you did just recently, you might have to come to terms with the fact that this is how the MLCer begins to come back. They do say it's not for the brave. This is a new phase for you, one you are not familiar with. Possibly your expectations got in the way this last time so you envisioned a smooth re-entry.  You just keep doing what you were doing before. If you want to keep standing, you'll have to try to find a way of living your own life while he messes around at your feet for a while.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #47 on: January 29, 2019, 02:12:46 PM »
Oh sweet strong friend!!!

I agree with what everyone has said and as usual your graceful self has taken it all in warmly.
 H could be beginning to return and he simply could be looking for a place to stay !!!
Only time knows . Don’t let it change your direction! Forward and upward❤️

(((Hugs)))
31
« Last Edit: January 29, 2019, 02:14:26 PM by 31andcounting »
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #48 on: January 30, 2019, 01:03:19 AM »
Hello all you lovely ladies...

Sweet 31, Milly, Anjae, H & F and Acorn,

As always, I’m pleased to hear from each and everyone of you and value all your views and thoughts. It’s so good to get others’ perspectives other than my own as I can just go round and round with the same thoughts!

I’m happy to report I’m ok and back to my normal! He he

You have all helped my hugely and RL life friends have been great too.

Monday I spent with a newish friend who’s H is going through this and she wanted help and advice. She finds her RL friends just don’t understand it at all. She’s also Australian and has no family here and few friends that get it, if at all. Her pain is incredibly raw and it saddens me but she said I help her enormously and she says she’s so grateful so I’m glad I can be of use.

Yesterday I met up with a very old friend who id let go years ago! Because we were close and she knew my H so well and knows how truly happy we were. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed over H that I let our friendship go. BUT fate has taken a hand here and I kept bumping into her near where I now live! Spooky but great at same time!

So we’ve started talking and meeting up again and it’s like all the years I’ve not seen her didn’t exist! We’ve both talked and laughed so much and amazingly although she knows nothing about MLC she totally gets it! She lost her dad before Xmas so I believe fate decided that we needed each other again! She gave me such a lovely compliment and told me I was such fun to be around! I always think I moan a lot but I guess I usually do it with a smile not far from my face!

Life isn’t what we wanted or how we planned but there is happiness to be had, it’s just in different places and I’m just so grateful that I have you lot and these lovely people in RL!

Sending love and hugs to you all. I can’t say how much you all mean to me😁

X

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #49 on: January 30, 2019, 01:06:22 AM »
Treasur was right.....

"Normal Serenity service will now be restored.... thank you for your patience... " LOL
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #50 on: January 30, 2019, 01:07:26 AM »
🤣ha ha

Love it Ursa! You’re just too funny!

Hugs

X

Offline Milly

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #51 on: January 30, 2019, 02:27:45 AM »
Funny, UM!!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #52 on: January 30, 2019, 08:21:16 AM »
Love reading this💕

(Hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #53 on: March 14, 2019, 01:57:01 PM »
Just bumping my thread up as not posted much lately...

I’ve been a bit allover the place really. Trying to keep busy and try lots new things. I can’t believe it’s three years since my mum passed away and I’m still struggling to try and sort her estate out. It’s so stressful and I’m tired of feeling stressed, worried and tense. It just makes me feel ill now.

Anyway I have some positive new about a newish friend. I’ve been trying to help her as her H is in MLC. She’s between the 4/5 year mark. He’s been living with OW for a year. There was a bitter divorce going on but the last couple weeks her H has been making big attempts to go home. It’s lovely to hear a positive story with a potential happy outcome. I’ve warned her that he may retreat. He has so far followed everything I said he’d do. My new friend has been amazed that I’ve been so spot on. I felt a bit glum today so it was good to hear this news.

My news is that I’m planning a family holiday in the summer. So me, my children and hopefully granddaughter can be together by the sea. I planned as usual to put my doggy into kennels. I was quite annoyed to find out that my H has spoken to our children and say he’ll look after my dog! I haven’t spoken to him since January after I found out he was messing around again and told him I could no longer be in his life. He’s said nothing to me about my dog and it’s made me mad that he’s said this to our children! They seem to see this as a nice offer! I don’t. They may want to see him and be sympathetic towards him but I don’t! It just feels like he’s trying to manipulate the situation to his advantage. It was his birthday recently and for the first time ever, I ignored it! It was hard as my dear little granddaughter rang me and told me it was grandads birthday and they’d got birthday cake and could I go too as they were going to have a party. I had to tell her I couldn’t go!

Anyway life is busy atm so I’ll keep trundling on

Hugs

X

Offline Milly

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #54 on: March 14, 2019, 02:12:28 PM »
Serenity thanks for the update. Lovely to hear the good story about your new friend. It always helps to get a little good news around here.

Sorry that you're still feeling the loss of your mother. I think that being alone makes these losses even harder.

I'm not surprised you ignored your H's birthday. I do believe he will want to come back for good at some point, but he's had a bit of cake recently and then dumped you again when who knows what went off in his head. I'm glad he didn't get to have you on his birthday. He doesn't deserve you at the moment.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #55 on: March 14, 2019, 02:17:22 PM »
Thank you Milly.

Lovely to hear from you and I appreciate your thoughts.

I took myself out for tea today as a little treat and got talking to a very interesting man so we ended up having tea together as we were both there alone!

Next week a friend has planned a blind date for me! Thankfully her and her H are coming along as well though!

Hope you’re doing ok?

Hugs

X

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #56 on: March 14, 2019, 03:23:43 PM »
Thank you for the update, Serenity.

Nice to read about your new friend't story. Savy's also has a friend whose sister has good news.

I am sorry you're feeling a bit all over the place and still miss your mother. I think we always miss our parents/those close to us who are gone.

Are you comfortable leaving your dog with husband? Given his recent antics, no surprise you didn't which him happy birthday.

Hugs,

X
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #57 on: March 14, 2019, 03:34:13 PM »
Hello dear Anjae

Thanks for stopping by.

I have no intention of leaving my dog with my H. I know she doesn’t like the kennels and it’s expensive but at least I have the security of knowing that it’s definite. My H could potentially pull out at the last minute and then I’d be stuck plus I don’t wish to see him! I felt he was being manipulative talking to the children about the dog and not me!

I don’t miss my mother, we never got on and she wasn’t nice to me at all. I’m struggling with her estate which is very complicated and stressful and I’m just finding it all too much. I think I’ve just reached a point of stress overload and maybe with the menopause I’m finding it hard to cope anymore.

I hope you’re doing ok?

Hugs

X

Online Treasur

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #58 on: March 14, 2019, 03:41:54 PM »
Tea 'date' sounded lovely  :)
Yup, after an MLC divorce, I think I am allergic to lawyers and legal paperwork now...it gets very wearing.

And actually, whatever your h was before, he is now literally not good enough to look after your dog  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Milly

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #59 on: March 14, 2019, 03:43:18 PM »
Serenity, regarding your mother, I wasn't close to mine either and was not affected emotionally when she died. I sound horrible, I suspect. I am envious when I read of people who greatly miss their mothers when they die. Although it has to be so hard to lose a mother who was wonderful, at least they had that good mother. My mother was a crazy, selfish, alcoholic who ran our family like a dictator. We were terrified of her.

Dealing with an inheritance is a nightmare. I went through that, too. I got screwed over. I fought it for a couple of years and then gave up.

I understand about your dog. A couple of years ago, I asked H to look after our dog to save the hassle and money of putting her in kennels, but H left her locked inside on her own in the dark and my dog went mad. I will never trust him with her again. You are right to book the kennel.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #60 on: March 14, 2019, 03:45:12 PM »
It is what I thought about leaving the dog with husband. He is probably not reliable. The kennels are and you know everything is properly being taken care.

I am sorry, I misunderstood about your mum. Dealing with an estate can be exhausting. For a LBS who already had been dealing with so much, it is another layer of stress that does not to help us.

Stress overload is dangerous, Serenity. Can you take some time off dealing with your mum's estate? Menopaus, or peri-menopause in my case, can make everything harder. Some people have no issues with peri-menopause or menopause, so far I am the first woman in the family for whom it is being a problem. Others face a very hard time.

As with everything, one day at a time and focus as much on yourself as possible.

I am fine. :)

Hugs,

X
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #61 on: March 15, 2019, 12:51:52 AM »
Thank you dear friends,

Dear Anjae, I’ve been feeling so unwell and I know stress is at the root of it. I just simply don’t seem to be able to cope anymore. I’ve had way to much to deal with in the last 7 1/2 years and I’m surprised I’m still standing tbh. At this present time I can’t step back from my mothers stuff and my sister isnt helping and adding to my stress. She’s like my mother and an unpleasant, unhelpful and bullying individual.

Inside I just want to run away. Every health issue I have has flared up and I’m having so many migraines too. This is definitely a menopause thing. I’m trying to eat, sleep, excercise and take vitamins but I’m not on top of this relentless stress as yet.

Thank you for being here and supporting me X

Milly,
It was a relief to read that you also didn’t get along with your mother. I always feel so guilty saying I never liked her but she really wasn’t a nice or good person. She was selfish and everything was to suit her. I got no sympathy from her when my life was blown apart and she used to manipulate me and do all sorts of things to upset me. She also was an alcoholic.

I’m sorry to hear about your inheritance. How on earth did you not get it?

A couple of times I have let H look after my dog and she either got terrified by being left alone on fireworks  night and another time he let her run off out of his front door! Apart from the fact I don’t wish to see him, he’s irresponsible X

Treasur, thank you - you made me chuckle.

Looking forward to meeting up soon. Sorry if you’re not too good either

Hugs

X



Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #62 on: March 15, 2019, 01:34:45 AM »
Hi Serenity,

I'll only respond to the dog thing - Mom's are a different story and mine is still alive and kicking...

One of STBX's "Reasons to D du Jour" was that I would not get rid of my dog when she wanted me to .... NOW that we have been seperrated for 3 years, she had the gall to ask if she could take my dog for a walk and try to "work" with her.  Uhhhhh,.... NO... Because she watches Caeser Milan non-stop and reads his books, she is now a dog expert <smh> (in her own mind)....

This is the same woman who's previous dog tore up a neighbor's dog after STBX let her run off the leash although STBX KNEW that her dog did not play well with others...

I too bring mine to a kennel when I can't take her on holiday with us and had to try a couple before I found one that was good....

Just saying that I can understand that you have no intention of housing your doggie with MLCH.  And, it WAS manipulative for him to talk to the kids about it and not you... He's trying to make himself looke like the good guy and you being the stubborn one that won't let him do what he wants (like eat cake.)....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #63 on: March 15, 2019, 07:14:20 AM »
Thank you Ursa

You’re thoughts are the same as mine! I felt that H telling the kids he’d have my dog whilst we all went away was indeed playing the good dad! He could just have easily spoken to me but he hasn’t!

Considering the dog lives with me it seems bizarre he’s telling them!

I’m sure at the moment I look the difficult, awkward one because I don’t want to play ball!

X


Offline Mitzpah

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #64 on: March 15, 2019, 08:01:06 AM »

 I felt that H telling the kids he’d have my dog whilst we all went away was indeed playing the good dad! He could just have easily spoken to me but he hasn’t!

Considering the dog lives with me it seems bizarre he’s telling them!

I’m sure at the moment I look the difficult, awkward one because I don’t want to play ball!

X

Serenity,

I feel with you about the dog! Perhaps you could turn it around and tell your kids that you don't want to bother their dad  :P with caring for doggie and that it is easier to kennel it  :) - then you will be the good mum!
M 58
H 58
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #65 on: March 15, 2019, 08:38:15 AM »
Brilliant Mitz,

Thank you - I love that! 😁

Do hope your health is improving now?

Hugs

X

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #66 on: March 15, 2019, 12:50:01 PM »
Dear Serenity,

I am sorry you are feeling so unwell. Have you seen your doctor?

Glad to know you're trying to eat, sleeep and exercise. Regarding exercise, mild/in moderation, it is excellent, more than that it raises adrenaline that in turn raises stress levels.

When we're stressed we have to be caferul with the type of exercise. Are you able to medidate? It may help reduce stress.

Even if you can't back from your mum's stuff, is it possible to back away for a weekend or a few days?

Stress coped with menopause, or peri-menopause, will raise and blow every health issue we have.

Hugs

X
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #67 on: March 16, 2019, 02:36:15 PM »
Thank you dear Anjae,

I haven’t been to my doctors. I don’t have much faith in them and I have to wait 3 weeks for an appt!

I just try and sort myself out as much as I can

I go to yoga which seems to be the only thing that relaxes me atm. I would love to try meditation but not really sure as to where to start. I’m just doing a lot of walking and I’m swimming more as well.

I always thought the physical aspects of menopause were the worst but I’ve come to realise the mental ones can actually be even worse!

I just hope this phase will pass at some point but I feel sure ongoing stresses just exasperate my symptoms!

Hugs

X

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #68 on: March 16, 2019, 03:29:12 PM »
I get not trusting doctors. They often don't seem to be of much use with peri-menopause of menopause. But they are able to prescribe meds for stress/anxiety that may be of help.

They can also request blood tests and other sort of tests that may help to have a better view of the situation.

The mental, and often, emotional side or peri-menopause or menopause is has bad as the physicall one. Foggy thinking, forgetfulness, lack of concentration, etc.

Today, for the first time since a little while after grandmother's death body was tired and aching. The matter seemed to had been resolved with bananas and magnesium, but I didn't like the reminder.

I like Oprah and Deepak guided meditations. There will be a new one starting 25 March: https://chopracentermeditation.com/article/6-oprah_deepaks_21_day_meditation_experience There are some samples here: https://chopracentermeditation.com/landing/freestreams

Ongoing stress makes it all worst.

Hugs,

X
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #69 on: March 18, 2019, 01:57:40 PM »
(((Hugs))) Sweet Serenity!

I like Mitz's suggestion a lot!!! Also I agree with Anjae on keeping your workouts light and airy😍

Just breath my friend!
(Hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #70 on: March 18, 2019, 05:21:53 PM »
Sorry to hear you are feeling unwell Serenity, our minds put us in a lot of turmoil and can be our worst enemy at times.

I agree with the others about your dog, don't allow your H to have anything to do with care - they are hopeless looking after themselves, how can they look after a pet :o

My good friend is traveling at the moment Serenity and just landed in the UK.  She's a nurse and natural therapist and just a little bit nutty in  a good way - like us ;D  You'd love her and she'd love you.  I'll message you to see if you'd be interested in meeting her as she's one of the best natural therapists I know.  She'd have you back on track in no time....

Keep away from medical doctors, they bury their mistakes :-X
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #71 on: April 08, 2019, 12:32:41 AM »
I’m just posting to draw attention to the fact that the site isn’t appearing properly! It all looks huge and it’s virtually unusable!

It was very hard to even log in normally

I presume some settings have been altered? I hope this gets sorted out very soon as it’s just not working as it is!

X

Offline Songanddance

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #72 on: April 08, 2019, 12:35:50 AM »
My access is fine and the background colour and "theme"? has changed but everything functioning normally. RCR did post about this on community thread.
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #73 on: April 09, 2019, 04:56:47 PM »
I can’t find what I previously posted on.... mine looks different too Serenity 😔

Hope your well❤️
(Hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #74 on: April 10, 2019, 01:46:06 AM »
I’m just posting to draw attention to the fact that the site isn’t appearing properly! It all looks huge and it’s virtually unusable!

It was very hard to even log in normally

I presume some settings have been altered? I hope this gets sorted out very soon as it’s just not working as it is!

X

Should all be back to normal now... If it is not, you'll need to clear your Internet Cache on whatever browser you are using because what you are seeing is the locally stored format.

UM
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #75 on: April 10, 2019, 04:49:46 AM »
Thank you S & D,

I’m fine thank you dear 31. I do hope you’re happy and well? X

Ursa,
Yesterday everything appeared back to normal, as in colour and size on the screen but today the colours have changed again and part of the site is off my screen.

I’m an utter technophobe so I don’t understand any of these technical terms that others’ are suggesting I try to resolve this. I really don’t understand why it was all completely fine yesterday and now slightly not right again?!?

X

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #76 on: April 10, 2019, 04:53:27 AM »
Thank you S & D,

I’m fine thank you dear 31. I do hope you’re happy and well? X

Ursa,
Yesterday everything appeared back to normal, as in colour and size on the screen but today the colours have changed again and part of the site is off my screen.

I’m an utter technophobe so I don’t understand any of these technical terms that others’ are suggesting I try to resolve this. I really don’t understand why it was all completely fine yesterday and now slightly not right again?!?

X

Hi Serenity,

Can't tell you there... It all looks fine for me on PC, tablet and phone (Of course, I am using Chrome on all three)..... Yesterday morning(?) or the day before the colors were off but luckily I never saw the formatting/font issues....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #77 on: April 10, 2019, 01:18:02 PM »
Thanks Ursa

I have no idea what’s going on!

It’s bizarre! One minute it’s all ok and then next time I come on it’s wrong again! Urghhhh!

X

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #78 on: April 11, 2019, 05:33:35 PM »
I’m good my friend. Busy and a little frustrated with the site. I no longer have the option to post on the threads I’ve been following? Sigh.... technology  is a wonderful thing but why did this have to change? I’m okay with change and maybe I just haven’t been on enough so this is my punishment 😔

(Hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Online Rising Phoenix

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #79 on: April 11, 2019, 09:28:03 PM »
I had that 31 not long ago and discovered I had accidentally put my phone on to private browsing so wouldn’t let me do anything. Xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #80 on: April 17, 2019, 01:34:58 AM »
Sorry everyone but this is a long whinge...

This week my daughter was supposed to stay with me and I had lots of stuff planned for us!

Anyway for one reason and another she didn’t come which I was upset about as I don’t see her much since she moved away...

Anyway, apparently her dad drove down to stay with her last w/e, which although I’m not thrilled about they need to have a relationship.

He has been trying to creep back in with me yet again last week by sending a concerned and chatty message but I’m continuing by boundary since he hurt me so deeply yet again after Xmas so I ignored him.

But apparently he’s decided to go and stay with our D again this coming long Easter w/e and told our D that he’d drive me down there too and told her to ask me! I couldn’t believe that she actually asked me as she knows how I feel and she’s heard me  breaking my heart over the way he treated me yet again. She also knows I’m keeping well away from him and want nothing more to do with him! I need to save myself and can’t be dragged into anymore of H’s madness!

If he can’t behave like a decent human being then I want no part in it!

Sadly my eldest son and granddaughter were due to go down too as it’s his birthday. Under normal circumstances it would have been absolutely lovely and made me so, so happy. I’m still shocked that my daughter even put her dads suggestion to me knowing how strongly I feel about it! It’s hurting me so badly that they’re potentially going to have a lovely w/e by the sea while I’ll spend some of this w/e alone and also looking after my H’s dog!

Interestingly though when I told my eldest son today (he lives with my H) he said that ‘if’ his dad was going for the w/e then he didn’t really want to go!!!!!!

Sorry just needed to talk to people that understand this deep hurt, betrayal and everything else that goes along with this whole $h!tety business

All I ever wanted in life was my family and I feel at times I’ve lost it and now my H seems to be enjoying the very thing he blew apart

I can’t seem to calm my hurt and just yucky feelings and dreading this long w/e ahead of me

Thank you for listening

X

Offline Songanddance

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #81 on: April 17, 2019, 03:21:04 AM »
Oh Seren - I get it and probably so do many of us.

Have you explained to your daughter your feelings on this? 

Being devil's advocate - what exactly is it about H and the situation that would stop you going down there this Easter?  Now before anyone shouts at me I am not "siding" with anyone here. 

Unpick what it is that stops you from even contemplating going down to see D even if H is there.

Is it possible that D wants to have the two of you together for a family session but doesn't know how to ask you for herself.  It is cowardly of H to ask her to ask you admittedly but would this touch and go be too much for you?

I must admit I am curious if not a little baffled as to why you are looking after H's dog for this purpose. 

Rise above this Serenity.  I know you are soooo tired of H's unbelievably abundant touch and goes; then why look after H's dog so that you miss out on a family weekend ?   Is that really enforcing a boundary for H to understand?

BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Online Treasur

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #82 on: April 17, 2019, 03:52:46 AM »
I think Song makes a good point
I don't have a family so I can hear your distress and frustration but can't get it of course in the same way.

People have the right to make choices though, Serenity, including our kids. We might not like them but they do. And often those choices are not about us but about other things entirely.
And you can choose too.
As Song says, you could choose to go. With him or under your own steam as you see fit.
Or you and your son could do something different. Or you can do something with others. Or plan to go another long weekend say.
Choosing - and understanding why we are choosing x over y - is part of taking our power back and being able to shrug off any resentment about others choices. Jmo.
I get that right now you want to avoid your h bc you think he manipulates you like he did when he was ill....but like Song, not sure why HIS dog is your responsibility to babysit? Presumably if you weren't available he would find another solution. Say no and let him do so imho.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #83 on: April 17, 2019, 04:09:51 AM »
Sweet Serenity,

Your story sounds so often like mine! ::)

In my case, it is h. who has recently put a stop to family events where both of us are present. In the end it shakes down to the same - the kids are the ones who are hurt, I think.

I am also the one landed with his dogs - I was at gym the other day with my d24 and someone commented on a bruise on my daughter's arm and she looks sideways at me - it was my 'mother's' dog fighting with my dog, she doesn't get on with other dogs - Oh, so now the dog is mine? :o

And, h gets to spend family time with the kids, free of the encumbrances of fighting dogs!  I have found, time after time - that I need to have very simple basic boundaries to protect me and my feelings, however I will not say no to family time if it is available for the sake of the kids. I just put my foot down at spending time with ow at these family occasions and that is what h. doesn't like - sorry...

Anyhow, just to say - I understand, sorry about the upset it has caused you, I am sure you will do what is better for you ;) - I have also found that the kids begin to understand more when we are calm and consistent in our attitudes


Hugs
M 58
H 58
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #84 on: April 17, 2019, 05:22:24 AM »
Thank you dear friends

I value and appreciate your support and comments...

I’m sorry I didn’t explain myself properly. When H left nearly 8 years ago he left the two dogs that he’d nagged me for years to get!

But like you dear Mitz (after a couple moves) the fighting between them got to such a dreadful situation and I got to breaking point. Thankfully my D took the easier of the two terriers. It was supposed to be a temporary situation but she found herself falling in love with the dear little chap so he never came back and I miss him dearly. He’s moved all over the place with her and gone everywhere and taken it all in his stride

X

Dear S & D
Not sure if you know but H was v ill before Xmas and I went everyday to the hosp to support him. He then came to stay in my home to recover more until I couldn’t take some of his comments anymore. He was clearly still in crisis and showed no comprehension of my pain or feelings! I still let him come for the whole of Xmas and we all spoilt him and welcomed him, he came to Cornwall to celebrate new year with all of us and it was all fabulous. I carried on seeing him when we got back and then towards end of January he apparently had a new gf staying for the w/e! To say I was shocked was an understatement! So he chose to have one more time around the moon rather than the fabulous family time we’d enjoyed and all my love, care and compassion. He’d even thanked me over and over for a wonderful Christmas!
I guess that’s when I reached my breaking point and I don’t even like this version of him! I don’t want some man/child that won’t look at himself and continues to run after endless women!

I have my pride and feel I deserve so much better and I just felt used big time

X

Treasur

Thank you for your comments. I’m hoping to make the long drive in the summer down there for my 60th. It’s a heck of a journey for me alone and I’m dreading it. Partly driving alone, partly due to a chronic back condition and there will be no one to take over the driving once my pain gets too bad.

I just feel my H isn’t genuine and is trying to manipulate me and I guess he’s trying to regain control. I’m ignoring all his contact and any offers he’s making to me via our children. He knows what he did to me was wrong but he’s trying to somehow get past that! The w/e of the new gf he lied to me and said he had friends staying. ‘If’ he thought what he was doing by getting a new gf, then he would have been honest with me!

I don’t know if there’s an OW or not (eldest son seems to think there is). All I know is I need to stay away from him for my own sanity and to help me to move on. Too many times over these years he’s done this and I’ve been there for him and he says all the right things and will then just disappear again.

So now I’m doing this just for me. For my peace of mind

X

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #85 on: April 17, 2019, 05:26:43 AM »
Sorry I forgot to say that ‘if’ I accepted H’s offer it would mean at least 5 hours in the car alone with him!

He would more than likely try and sleep in my room which I wouldn’t even entertain.

I suppose I was shocked at my daughter even telling me! She knows how I feel, she knows how much he’s hurt me and she knows I want nothing to do with him


If things were different then I can’t think of anything nicer than being by the sea with my family. But I can’t play happy families with him anymore

Just not looking forward to this long w/e now

X

Offline Songanddance

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #86 on: April 17, 2019, 09:07:13 AM »
Quote
Not sure if you know but H was v ill before Xmas and I went everyday to the hosp to support him. He then came to stay in my home to recover more until I couldn’t take some of his comments anymore. He was clearly still in crisis and showed no comprehension of my pain or feelings! I still let him come for the whole of Xmas and we all spoilt him and welcomed him, he came to Cornwall to celebrate new year with all of us and it was all fabulous. I carried on seeing him when we got back and then towards end of January he apparently had a new gf staying for the w/e! To say I was shocked was an understatement! So he chose to have one more time around the moon rather than the fabulous family time we’d enjoyed and all my love, care and compassion. He’d even thanked me over and over for a wonderful Christmas!

Oh he really is an a**e!  No I had no idea that this had happened.

Fair play Serenity.
So flip your thoughts - you are not going to be "lonely" or alone this Easter. You are making the choice to be by yourself because anything less is toxic for you and you value yourself too much to allow such toxicity to creep back in and abuse your kind hearted and sentimental nature.   
Being serene also means being at peace with yourself and your life but there must always be a bit of steel in there. Serene is about having those healthy boundaries and and about facing c**p head on and with an inner sense of determination not to be brought down by it.

Also flip your thinking about the dog - yes it may have originally been H's but it is now yours because H has defaulted on his right to have a dog. 

Flipping your thinking into " what if I thought about this differently - how would I feel?" is a great way to overcome moments of sad triggering. 

BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Online Treasur

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #87 on: April 17, 2019, 09:15:22 AM »
I think, Serenity, that you are honouring your own boundaries, your own needs and your own gut instinct about your h's pattern of manipulation.
Good for you.  ;)
My guess is that this is a big change from the old you and some of your family may take a while to adjust.
As Song says, flip it round....what lovely serene things can you and YOUR dog do over a sunny weekend? (Things that will be much more fun imho than 5 hours in a car with an MLCer   ::) )
I will be doing a mix of church, allotment time in the sunshine, some beach walks and a visit to my uncle and maybe my mother.....
« Last Edit: April 17, 2019, 09:18:06 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #88 on: April 17, 2019, 03:43:40 PM »
Thank you S & D

Since reading your post and suggestion I feel better already and I will flip things around.

I’m going to try and see some friends and do some nice outings. I think my eldest son and granddaughter may not now be going so I’ll hopefully see them as well

I hope you have a lovely w/e

X

Treasur you are so right in that this is a huge change for me. I’ve never been this resolute in my decision to be NC and just move myself away from the whole situation! I’ve usually given in in the past and my H probably thinks the same will happen now!

But there’s been a big shift in me lately. A stronger and more determined me has emerged. It’s not one that my family are used to!

I do so envy where you are and being able to walk by the sea. It’s such a special thing and brings me much happiness when I get the opportunity. Enjoy your allotment. I keep getting in my garden when I can. I love doing bits and pottering although I’m so busy lately there’s not been much time to get out there.

Enjoy your w/e

X

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #89 on: April 17, 2019, 03:59:36 PM »
I am sorry you were hurting, Serenity.

Song's suggestions of flipping it around are excellent.

Your daughert probably just wanted to had Easter with both her parents and siblings. She is used to you always being open to be around husband and caring for him. It is most likely new for her that you would decline.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Milly

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #90 on: April 18, 2019, 03:02:55 AM »
Serenity I’m so sorry that your D cancelled her visit to you and that your H is getting to have a lovely Easter week end with your D by the sea. It’s just so unfair.

I appreciate your strong boundary of not wanting anything to do with him. He was really wrong that last time after Xmas. But would you not tell D thanks for the invite, would have loved to spend a few days with you but I can not be playing happy families with H after his latest behaviour. Maybe you could add that you had been so looking forward to having her at yours.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #91 on: April 18, 2019, 05:24:19 AM »
So sorry you have been put in a position where you feel backed into a corner.  It's hard to remember how many times I've felt the same.   It seems unfair that the LBS who just wanted to continue having a happy marriage, is made to feel like the odd man out while the MLCer appears to win.

I do believe the tables will turn eventually, we have to be very patient and we all have a bucket full of patience as we know ::) ::)

I absolutely see why you don't want to be with your H after the horrible way you were treated around Christmas and leaving him to it is best.  It's just sad you have to stay home alone while they get together.

If it helps, mine are doing the same while I have chosen to work just to avoid the pain.  Holidays are hard but we are strong and special women.  You deserve better and will reap the benefits of your kindness in the end.

(((((((Hugs))))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Whyus

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #92 on: April 18, 2019, 05:31:40 AM »
Serenity, I feel for you.
Next week my S will turn 21 and partying with XW and OM. I wont be there, she who blows everything up wins unfortunately.
I can see the guilt in S20s eyes everyday unfortunately but it was his decision
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #93 on: April 18, 2019, 06:06:29 AM »
Serenity you are such a kind hearted soul.
The only person who can protect you from them is you.

Taking advantage of your compassion is what these kinds of people thrive on. The example was Christmas. That's certainly nothing you have to feel obligated to go through again.

Your D just doesn't get it. Not enough life experience.

This is God's way of protecting you from them on this holiday.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #94 on: April 18, 2019, 06:12:04 AM »
Just saying I am reading and following along. It often seems like a lose-lose situation...I don't want to spend "family time" together any more either, yet I feel left out when he is with my daughter and son in law, especially on a holiday weekend.

I am so sorry. Sometimes it feels like they get to have it all, but you know that's not true.

If you wish to visit your daughter, at some time, could you go by train?

I have to fly to visit my daughter and it is a hassle and expensive....but I plan those visits ahead and look forward to them so very much. I found that knowing when I will visit her next, makes the time in between better.

I chose to stay here, so I wasn't the one who moved. She and I talked about it and agreed that this was a good place for me to live, and that we would make it work by seeing one another 3 or 4 times a year.

It made me understand that I had to have my own life, and I still think that was the right decision for me.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2019, 10:28:16 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #95 on: April 18, 2019, 10:26:33 AM »
Thank you my dear friends....

I know I always say this but I value you all and your thoughts and you always lift me up.

I’ve been working so hard that I’ve not had that much time to think but you’ve all made me feel so much better...

Anjae, thank you. Always down to earth but wise. Hope you’re doing ok and have a lovely Easter w/e X

Milly, thank you. I did actually say all that you suggested to my daughter. I hate to say it but I do believe that my D has got sucked back in with my H. She’s been spending quite a lot of time with him lately and I’ve noticed it definitely changes things. I suppose like others’ experience where their children have been manipulated by their MLCer!

Do hope things are improving for you and you’re feeling more safe in your home? X

Dear Savvy,

Thank you for your words. I’ve just said to myself that sometimes life just isn’t fair and we are left out but there’s nothing we can do about it so I’ll see friends and just keep occupied. I’ve been working so hard at various jobs that I’ll probably just fall asleep over the w/e! He he

Hope yours is a good one X

Whyus - I’m so sorry that this is happening to you and I know how much it hurts! Could you possibly have another small celebration with your S? A meal or something?

Our children must feel so torn which is a horrid situation for them! I feel sure your S will just ignore OM! X

in it - thank you. That was very sweet of you to say. I’m so glad that you’ve found happiness in your life again but very hard when our children turn against us.

Like you said they’re young and lack the experience and understanding. I don’t think they’ll ever understand until they’re much older and ‘life’ happens to them!

I am a softy and will always help BUT I’ve come to the end of my compassion for my H. His last escapade after Xmas was the final straw for me! Personally I think he’s an idiot because I told him when I was looking after him that he was lucky that I even still spoke to him after what he’d done! Obviously he didn’t heed my words! X

xy - thank you. Funny isn’t it how we’ve both changed? We both reached a breaking point where neither of us could continue on with the family times. Your H and mine chose to make the awful decisions that they did and for you and for me that was a game changer.

My D isn’t as far away as yours so I don’t know how you cope. You’re a wonderful lady and like all the rest - your H is a fool. X

Wishing everyone a lovely and peaceful weekend

Hugs X








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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #96 on: April 18, 2019, 03:15:31 PM »
Exactly..compassion has to run out at some point.
Back those words up with him with action or inaction whatever works.
And he WAS a damn lucky man past tense.
What a fool he was.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #97 on: April 18, 2019, 04:57:03 PM »
Hi Serenity, I am fine. We've been celebrating several family birthdays in a row. If she was alive, today was grandmother's 99th birthday. We have a 10 years old home at least until tomorrow which is a lot of fun.  ;) ;D Happy Easter to you as well.

Could it be daughter knows you're safe and she is getting close to her dad again because she may fear he may forget her/run again? You are not going to run, so, she gets close to him.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Milly

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #98 on: April 18, 2019, 05:16:18 PM »
Serenity, nothing particular to add but just wanted to remind you of how much you are loved here on HS. You are a lovely lady. I hope this weekend can have some blue skies and you can find something joyful somewhere. Wish I could have you join my friends for Sunday lunch.

Your D sounds a little like my D24 who sides very easily with my H. She (my D) takes the easy road, is easy to convince, almost still childish that way. That's the way I think of my oldest. I try not to take it personally any more because I know my D is suffering, perhaps more than me at this point.

Big hugs,
Milly
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #99 on: April 22, 2019, 12:24:05 AM »
I can't blame you for losing your compassion Serenity, we are patient but not stupid.

I hope Easter has been kind to you, as we all know how difficult it was in the first years following BD.  At least we get to choose what we do with our lives now and who we let in.

((((((((Hugs))))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #100 on: April 22, 2019, 12:37:10 AM »
Thank you in it,

My compassion and empathy has indeed all run dry. I feel like I’ve been toyed with over and over like a cat with a mouse. Something inside me just died and said ‘enough’ X


Anjae you sound like you have your hands full. So lovely to have family around you.

I think my daughter is probably very flattered to have her dads attention. But he does use people and he’s done this to her before and then disappeared again. You are right though as she knows I’m always here and not going anywhere X

Milly your D sounds so much like mine except she’s 33. She’s seen everything that’s gone on and suffered with me but seems to get easily sucked back in by H! I suppose when he’s spending time with her he seems very believable and I’m sure she’s flattered by all his attention after barely seeing each other for years whilst his crisis was in full swing! X

Savvy do hope life is being kind to you and things are calmer? Hope your financials are now complete or as good as? I think our H’s have just got so used to their horrid lifestyles. I still wouldn’t wish to be them!! X

Hope you’re all enjoying your Easter weekend. I’ve been busy seeing friends and spending time in my pretty little garden and long dog walks across the fields. The weather has been beautiful

Wishing you all peace and joy

X


Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #101 on: April 22, 2019, 02:01:56 PM »
Anjae you sound like you have your hands full. So lovely to have family around you.

My hands and my heart. :-) Easter was quieter and simpler than usual, but good.

Hope your Easter was good.
X
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #102 on: April 27, 2019, 02:51:09 PM »
Sorry to hear of your recent upset my friend! Haven’t been on the site for a while.
Glad to hear your back on track sweet lady🌼 good weather always helps!

(Hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #103 on: June 17, 2019, 05:10:02 AM »
Hello dear friends,

Time for an update...

I stopped seeing H since late January after a long T & G due to him seemingly having a new OW.

Since then, despite me ignoring him he’s tried to be helpful, tried to see me, offered to look after my dog so that I can have time away.

He messaged me recently and actually asked to see me and said he wanted to talk to me. We didn’t meet up though and my boundary remained in place.

He’s still been trying to be helpful over various matters. Our D has seen him quite a lot and informed me she thinks he’s improved a lot and feels he’s much better than he was!

Lastly,  this w/e I was speaking to a friend and she told me she’d spoken to a close (MLC) friend of my husband. He’d told my friend that my H is obsessed with me and has never got over me! So in my case - just over 8 years now - this still rumbles on. There’s still no closure and it doesn’t (in my case) just go away!

My life is very busy, I’ve been doing a lot. Taken on a voluntary job as well and made lots of lovely new friends. I’m still going on odd dates, here and there but no one fills the space my H left.

I was very angry and upset with my H after all that went on over the Christmas period and then the supposed new OW. But despite my business and full life I’ve been missing him more lately. Maybe it’s turning 60 soon - I just don’t know.

Just wanted to update and show that after all this time I have no closure and I believe there’s a lot more to come!

Hugs

X

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #104 on: June 17, 2019, 05:33:02 AM »
Dear Serenity,

Thank you for your update. Your life sounds "content" and yet still yearning for the completeness that we felt with our husbands. Nothing else quite satisfies, no other people are quite enough to fill that void for me.


Quote
I was speaking to a friend and she told me she’d spoken to a close (MLC) friend of my husband. He’d told my friend that my H is obsessed with me and has never got over me!

We hear this is so many cases. But they have lost the ability to be "real" with us. When they do contact us, it's all fluff...there doesn't seem to be a contrite heart, no understanding at all of what we have lived through. Several here on HS who are "together" are still experiencing this disconnect. Although a few MLCers seem to have more insight into their crisis.

Perhaps when they talk about the "fog" they are in for such a very long time, indeed they do not have clear memories of all that happened. Kind of like when we wake from a dream and can only remember certain parts but not the whole thing. Just pieces.

Something my therapist told me that struck me, was that I can choose whether to see my husband or not. That I need not set a firm boundary in place which is 100% one way or another and cannot be changed..it is my choice now, one thing I get to control.

This was freeing to me because after so much hurt and so many contacts and so much time, I felt I needed to be very firm in my decision to see him or not. To not waiver once I made "the decision".

In truth, when I do see him, even for very short periods of time, in truth, it is the only time I feel "well".

But it also comes at great cost sometimes, although I "recover" quicker than I once did.

Some might say that your husband's persistence is because you withdrew from him......I think it is because like we cannot forget them, neither can they forget us..they can try..they can run...but we are in their hearts as well.

And why not? The life we had was beautiful. That is the difference between having a MLC and a marriage that has been in serious problems for years. They left this good life, went searching for something better but that good life was real and I think very hard to find a "better" replacement.

Only you know what is best and right for you dear Serenity. I will keep you both in my prayers.
« Last Edit: June 17, 2019, 07:12:48 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #105 on: June 17, 2019, 06:42:18 AM »
My dear xy,

Thank you for your words, good wishes and your prayers.

You write so wisely, you often write my thoughts that I seem to fail to put into words. You say so eloquently what I try so hard to convey

I do know that my H hasn’t been contacting because I’ve withdrawn from him. I feel we are passed all that dancing about. I believe he contacts because this isn’t over. It’s not over for either of us. I still say this won’t end until one of us is no longer here!

I still don’t know how our story will end but I’m so grateful to you for saying that I don’t need to be quite so harsh with my strong boundary. I was so angry and upset with him yet again that I believed I was truly done but I know my heart is hurting once again and missing him. I think I felt worse after he asked to meet up and wanted to talk and it just started all the thoughts etc once again.

None of this journey is easy. All I can say is at this stage there isn’t the intense pain that there once was just an internal ache that nothing heals!

I can’t help feeling that a few of us old timers have a special bond, a ‘knowing’ of how each other feels at this stage of our journey. I’m so grateful that you are one of those wonderful people

Hugs

X

Offline Counting on Time

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #106 on: June 17, 2019, 06:07:21 PM »
Xyzcf....I don't post often, but your words to Serenity really, really hit home with me....I see my husband about every two weeks.  Two weeks ago we had the best interaction we have had in six months....then I saw him Saturday and things just felt off....it is hard the emotional roller coaster that we go through....but it's a great reminder, we are choosing that unknown reaction by continuing to see them....it's our choice. 

Offline Just Laughing

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #107 on: June 17, 2019, 08:39:23 PM »
My husband and I have not been separated long as you have, but still longer than most people here, I think, and with us likewise it's clear that we're not done with each other. It might not be a bad idea to loosen your boundaries a little bit and see what happens; what have you got to lose? Even if he responded with his worst behavior, how much could he really devastate you after all this time?

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #108 on: June 17, 2019, 09:24:46 PM »
Hi  dear Serenity,

I am not surprised your H speaks so fondly of you, it's been obvious where he should be.  To be honest, if a MLCer asked specifically to talk with me, I'd be there.  I know he's been difficult to say the least but I do believe the worst of his crisis is over and he is trying to make his way back.

If you are 100% certain you don't want him, then leave him  alone but if you would rather reconciliation, I would be talking with him and leaving any emotion out of it.  Maybe you can start as friends again and work your way back to each other.

I think our expectations are too high and we expect them to come back healed.  He may have have a long way to go but I would be talking to him and telling him if he wants to have any relationship with you, even friends, he needs to start seeing a good psychologist and chose one for him, someone who understands Jungian therapy and MLC. If he agrees to go and see somebody it's a great start and if he refuses, you can tell him to go jump!  It's a reasonable test for him don't you think?

Your heart will never be still until you both try to repair the damage he has done.  He needs a chance to get some help and it's possible he's too weak to recognise his own need.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Mitzpah

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  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #109 on: June 18, 2019, 05:15:29 AM »
Serenity,

'Tis a hard road we walk.

I think you are doing the right thing - keeping busy and carrying on with the business of living



My life is very busy, I’ve been doing a lot. Taken on a voluntary job as well and made lots of lovely new friends. I’m still going on odd dates, here and there but no one fills the space my H left.



I have been doing the same and we have very similar timelines.

This evening I will be going with my mum to a concert - not exactly my choice of entertainment on a working day evening but I am sure it will be good.

Like you, I have yet to find something to fill the 'space'. Perhaps, as Xyzcf points out here
Your life sounds "content" and yet still yearning for the completeness that we felt with our husbands. Nothing else quite satisfies, no other people are quite enough to fill that void for me.


there is no filling of that particular space.

I think that acceptance of where we are and our current reality goes some way in finding contentment with what is possible, it is just that space, that missing something that doesn't quite go away.



None of this journey is easy. All I can say is at this stage there isn’t the intense pain that there once was just an internal ache that nothing heals!




I get you!

xx
M 58
H 58
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #110 on: June 18, 2019, 05:36:25 AM »
A thought I am having about this this morning..our heart is broken either way.

I have not found that when I don't have contact any easier than when I do. I still think of him throughout the day. I still miss him and I have not been able to erase him from my heart.

As mitzpah so clearly articulated:

Quote
I think that acceptance of where we are and our current reality goes some way in finding contentment with what is possible, it is just that space, that missing something that doesn't quite go away.

He is not mean to me when I see him...I think he is mean because he leaves again and again and doesn't give me what I desire....but those are my "expectations".

The story of the prodigal son continues to draw me into that scene and this morning, I have been meditating on this ..reading it slowly and carefully, and hearing the "truth" of what is important to me...can I be merciful towards someone who has hurt me so deeply...I know I want to be, for that is how I want to live.

"Meditations on the Litany of the Sacred Heart of Jesus
by Leo John Dehon, SCJ

June 18, 2019

Heart of Jesus, patient and filled with mercy.

The Heart of Jesus speaks of this mercy when he depicted himself in the guise of the father filled with bounty who, in spite of the rejection of his son, doesn’t know how to resist him when he sees him coming in repentance, but who embraces him tenderly, and forgets all the injuries he has received from him."

I think that we don't see the "repentance", not yet anyway and somehow, being human we feel it is our "right" that they show up with apologizes and speaking words of "I'm sorry".

But, what if they cannot do that? The fact that they continue to show up is quite apparent that they desire some connection to us, so many years later.

"We are not done". Deep inside of us, this nagging feeling remains...our story is not done yet and that is both a blessing and a curse.
« Last Edit: June 18, 2019, 05:37:29 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

 

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