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Author Topic: My Story The Positives XXIII

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My Story Re: The Positives XXIII
#10: January 15, 2019, 09:07:00 AM
Firstly, thank you to who ever linked my threads😁

And then a big thank you to all you dear, sweet ladies. So kind and never tire of helping me despite all your own hurts. I’m truly humbled.

All imparting such wise words and thoughts.

T & L I feel my H has done absolutely no work on himself - told me he doesn’t believe he actually has a problem! All he’s done is drift from one woman to another. My D and I were both shocked at the speed at him finding this Ow and then her apparently staying for a w/e. What sort of person behaves that way? X

Dear xy, you certainly highlighted my hurts! It is indeed truly shocking that they can indeed still hurt us so very deeply as you too have experienced with your unexplained sudden divorce! None of it makes any sense or can be explained! All we do know is they’re certainly not ‘right’! X

Mitzpah you’re so sweet and kind. I will just carry on. My dear friends in RL are rallying too despite them probably being very sick of my endless problem. They’re still kind snd still listen. I admire your unending strengths X

Nas - thank you. I admire you and all you write. You’re a very brave and strong lady with all that’s been thrown at you. I feel my boundary is all I can do. I can’t even imagine how he convinced himself how this would all be ok and id still be his close friend. I’ve told him forcibly enough times for him to know how much this will hurt me but obviously he’s arrogant enough to not care. That I will never understand when I know he loves me and misses me! Again something very wrong with their logic! X

Much love to you all

Hugs

X




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Re: The Positives XXIII
#11: January 15, 2019, 12:31:07 PM
My EMDR therapist said to me today that there has been madness around me, but it is important to know that the madness is not IN me if that makes sense.
It was incredibly comforting to hear someone else say yes, this is madness and twisted and horrible and not normal.

In the end, for me, I felt the madness was a pollutant. It was infecting me and my spirit and my memories of my h and my own life. The less contact I had with the madness the easier it was to have a clear gap between me and it. It is the saddest thing, I know, but sometimes if the dark stuff rolls back in to them, all you can do is step further away and keep your own oxygen mask on.
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: The Positives XXIII
#12: January 15, 2019, 02:01:51 PM
Thank you Treasur,

That was amazing! I appreciate you telling me that.

Hopefully we’ll be meeting up soon so I’d love to hear lots more about that!

Tbh although I’m feeling sad and missing my real H I always start to feel better immediately that I’m away from his craziness!

Even when he was staying here after his last hosp stay and it was nice and we got on well I was actually glad in a way when he upset me that I then had an excuse to take him home. I found it actually quite hard him being here all the time. I feel really horrid for saying that but I’m being honest!

Hugs

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Re: The Positives XXIII
#13: January 15, 2019, 02:41:58 PM
Dear Serenity,

Glad to know you're OK. It is normal to feel sad. It was another big blow.

Did he feel that there was a closeness that he does not want developing?

Interesting idea that there may be a closeness a MLCers does not want to develop, so they get a new OW/OM or some other MLC behaviour.

...  I think he was faced with the mirror and ran, yet again.   It doesn't at all sound like a considered action. 

Another interesting thought, and most likely true. Your husband got too close to the mirror, couldn't face it, run again.

Being away from the crazyness is good. We can't do anything about crazy, so, much better for us and our health to be away from it.

If you didn't felt comfortable having your husband around all the time when he was, then you didn't. It may not be nice to say, but it is your truth. I suppose it is quite complicated to have the MLCer around, even if they are showing signs of being a bit out of the tunnel.

I surely could not live with MLC Mr J around. He was around to much during the seven months after BD I stayed in the capital. It was insane.

Hugs
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Re: The Positives XXIII
#14: January 15, 2019, 03:17:12 PM
Another LBS made a good point to me in a message and actually my eldest son said same!

It was when my H was really ill and down and just wanted me as I’m safe and comforting and now he’s feeling better he’s run off to feel young and exciting again.

My son said he’s a very weak man!

I don’t honestly think this version of my H is worth having if I’m honest. It’s the memory of who he was that makes me sad!

This version has absolutely nothing to offer anyone. I can’t imagine who would take up with him. On a superficial level I suppose he looks ok now he’s better, but he will get ill again and the depression will hit again very soon, and I expect he makes his new business sound very successful. The thing with me is I know the truth behind the mask!

X
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Re: The Positives XXIII
#15: January 15, 2019, 03:23:28 PM
It was when my H was really ill and down and just wanted me as I’m safe and comforting and now he’s feeling better he’s run off to feel young and exciting again.

This too. MLCers do that, return to comfort and safety when they are ill or feel very down, then, when they are well/feel better, leave to be "young" again.

I don’t honestly think this version of my H is worth having if I’m honest. It’s the memory of who he was that makes me sad!

The MLC version is never worth having. The pre-MLC is, or the hope that the post-MLC will be a better version of the pre-MCL is.

The thing with me is I know the truth behind the mask!

Hence why MLCers can't stay around the LBS. The LBS knows the truth and can see behind the mask.
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Re: The Positives XXIII
#16: January 15, 2019, 08:05:14 PM
Serenity, I think this midlife crisis does a real, serious number on these people. 

They say they get to be a better person afterwards but I honestly don't believe that anymore.
I really believe it changes them into entirely different people.

I'm not sure why that is, maybe something in their chemical make up.
They never seem the same afterwards.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: The Positives XXIII
#17: January 16, 2019, 01:21:09 AM
Hello Anjae and Thunder,

Thanks for posting.

I do actually agree with you now. I don’t think many (maybe a few) come out better people. They are changed. Although I see my old H, I see so much of a different man and I feel it would be impossible for him to be the man he was now!

I love RCR and am forever grateful to her for starting this site and her articles but I honestly think it all needs re writing and the articles changing as we know so much more now. We now see true MLC isn’t a quick fix. Only mid life transitions seem to be short and then most seem to return.

I’m not even so sure about the stages either. Although my H’s crisis has changed and he’s much better than he was I don’t feel he’s followed the stages. I just think the years have passed and things change.

All I know is I’ve given him so much, I’ve given him so many chances and he then continues to throw it back at me with absolutely no regard for the pain that he must know he’s causing me. I’ve yold him enough times how his actions affect and hurt me. He behaves like he’s inhuman. I could never knowingly do the same to him that he’s done to me and expect him to still have me in his life and love and care for me! I wouldn’t even treat someone I hated this way!

I’ve spoken with several LBS’s and have received more great advice from everyone.

I think my life is better spent with my lovely friends, children and granddaughter. Who genuinely love and care for me and don’t just make use of me!

Hugs to you all

X
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Re: The Positives XXIII
#18: January 16, 2019, 02:38:27 AM
I think maybe the old theory that most will come through and few will become stuck might need to be changed to few will come through and most will become stuck.  :-\
Sorry for the negative comment, but it kind of seems like that’s what we are seeing as the years go on.
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Re: The Positives XXIII
#19: January 16, 2019, 05:06:12 AM
I don't know Nas, I still believe most of them come out of their crisis, I just don't believe most of them come out better.  Same..possibly, but better?  I know people leave here after the reconcile, so I can only speak about the one who stay.  I've only seen a very few that were better people afterwards. 
I think it is pretty rare.

I do agree after the years I've been here there are things I do think should be changed, with the articles.  Updated more to reflect what really happens during this crisis.

I still talk to two people who no longer post here, but have reconciled.
They both say their H's still are not being intimate with them, or it's a seldom thing.  It's crazy.  They treat them good and they seem happy but for some reason the intimate part is missing.  I have no idea way that is.  I'm not talking about a hug, it's more like the deep kissing and the passion isn't there.

Idk, I sure don't understand it.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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