Author Topic: My Story The Positives XXIII  (Read 3673 times)

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #100 on: April 22, 2019, 12:37:10 AM »
Thank you in it,

My compassion and empathy has indeed all run dry. I feel like I’ve been toyed with over and over like a cat with a mouse. Something inside me just died and said ‘enough’ X


Anjae you sound like you have your hands full. So lovely to have family around you.

I think my daughter is probably very flattered to have her dads attention. But he does use people and he’s done this to her before and then disappeared again. You are right though as she knows I’m always here and not going anywhere X

Milly your D sounds so much like mine except she’s 33. She’s seen everything that’s gone on and suffered with me but seems to get easily sucked back in by H! I suppose when he’s spending time with her he seems very believable and I’m sure she’s flattered by all his attention after barely seeing each other for years whilst his crisis was in full swing! X

Savvy do hope life is being kind to you and things are calmer? Hope your financials are now complete or as good as? I think our H’s have just got so used to their horrid lifestyles. I still wouldn’t wish to be them!! X

Hope you’re all enjoying your Easter weekend. I’ve been busy seeing friends and spending time in my pretty little garden and long dog walks across the fields. The weather has been beautiful

Wishing you all peace and joy

X


Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #101 on: April 22, 2019, 02:01:56 PM »
Anjae you sound like you have your hands full. So lovely to have family around you.

My hands and my heart. :-) Easter was quieter and simpler than usual, but good.

Hope your Easter was good.
X
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #102 on: April 27, 2019, 02:51:09 PM »
Sorry to hear of your recent upset my friend! Haven’t been on the site for a while.
Glad to hear your back on track sweet lady🌼 good weather always helps!

(Hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #103 on: June 17, 2019, 05:10:02 AM »
Hello dear friends,

Time for an update...

I stopped seeing H since late January after a long T & G due to him seemingly having a new OW.

Since then, despite me ignoring him he’s tried to be helpful, tried to see me, offered to look after my dog so that I can have time away.

He messaged me recently and actually asked to see me and said he wanted to talk to me. We didn’t meet up though and my boundary remained in place.

He’s still been trying to be helpful over various matters. Our D has seen him quite a lot and informed me she thinks he’s improved a lot and feels he’s much better than he was!

Lastly,  this w/e I was speaking to a friend and she told me she’d spoken to a close (MLC) friend of my husband. He’d told my friend that my H is obsessed with me and has never got over me! So in my case - just over 8 years now - this still rumbles on. There’s still no closure and it doesn’t (in my case) just go away!

My life is very busy, I’ve been doing a lot. Taken on a voluntary job as well and made lots of lovely new friends. I’m still going on odd dates, here and there but no one fills the space my H left.

I was very angry and upset with my H after all that went on over the Christmas period and then the supposed new OW. But despite my business and full life I’ve been missing him more lately. Maybe it’s turning 60 soon - I just don’t know.

Just wanted to update and show that after all this time I have no closure and I believe there’s a lot more to come!

Hugs

X

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #104 on: June 17, 2019, 05:33:02 AM »
Dear Serenity,

Thank you for your update. Your life sounds "content" and yet still yearning for the completeness that we felt with our husbands. Nothing else quite satisfies, no other people are quite enough to fill that void for me.


Quote
I was speaking to a friend and she told me she’d spoken to a close (MLC) friend of my husband. He’d told my friend that my H is obsessed with me and has never got over me!

We hear this is so many cases. But they have lost the ability to be "real" with us. When they do contact us, it's all fluff...there doesn't seem to be a contrite heart, no understanding at all of what we have lived through. Several here on HS who are "together" are still experiencing this disconnect. Although a few MLCers seem to have more insight into their crisis.

Perhaps when they talk about the "fog" they are in for such a very long time, indeed they do not have clear memories of all that happened. Kind of like when we wake from a dream and can only remember certain parts but not the whole thing. Just pieces.

Something my therapist told me that struck me, was that I can choose whether to see my husband or not. That I need not set a firm boundary in place which is 100% one way or another and cannot be changed..it is my choice now, one thing I get to control.

This was freeing to me because after so much hurt and so many contacts and so much time, I felt I needed to be very firm in my decision to see him or not. To not waiver once I made "the decision".

In truth, when I do see him, even for very short periods of time, in truth, it is the only time I feel "well".

But it also comes at great cost sometimes, although I "recover" quicker than I once did.

Some might say that your husband's persistence is because you withdrew from him......I think it is because like we cannot forget them, neither can they forget us..they can try..they can run...but we are in their hearts as well.

And why not? The life we had was beautiful. That is the difference between having a MLC and a marriage that has been in serious problems for years. They left this good life, went searching for something better but that good life was real and I think very hard to find a "better" replacement.

Only you know what is best and right for you dear Serenity. I will keep you both in my prayers.
« Last Edit: June 17, 2019, 07:12:48 PM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #105 on: June 17, 2019, 06:42:18 AM »
My dear xy,

Thank you for your words, good wishes and your prayers.

You write so wisely, you often write my thoughts that I seem to fail to put into words. You say so eloquently what I try so hard to convey

I do know that my H hasn’t been contacting because I’ve withdrawn from him. I feel we are passed all that dancing about. I believe he contacts because this isn’t over. It’s not over for either of us. I still say this won’t end until one of us is no longer here!

I still don’t know how our story will end but I’m so grateful to you for saying that I don’t need to be quite so harsh with my strong boundary. I was so angry and upset with him yet again that I believed I was truly done but I know my heart is hurting once again and missing him. I think I felt worse after he asked to meet up and wanted to talk and it just started all the thoughts etc once again.

None of this journey is easy. All I can say is at this stage there isn’t the intense pain that there once was just an internal ache that nothing heals!

I can’t help feeling that a few of us old timers have a special bond, a ‘knowing’ of how each other feels at this stage of our journey. I’m so grateful that you are one of those wonderful people

Hugs

X

Offline Counting on Time

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #106 on: June 17, 2019, 06:07:21 PM »
Xyzcf....I don't post often, but your words to Serenity really, really hit home with me....I see my husband about every two weeks.  Two weeks ago we had the best interaction we have had in six months....then I saw him Saturday and things just felt off....it is hard the emotional roller coaster that we go through....but it's a great reminder, we are choosing that unknown reaction by continuing to see them....it's our choice. 

Offline Just Laughing

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #107 on: June 17, 2019, 08:39:23 PM »
My husband and I have not been separated long as you have, but still longer than most people here, I think, and with us likewise it's clear that we're not done with each other. It might not be a bad idea to loosen your boundaries a little bit and see what happens; what have you got to lose? Even if he responded with his worst behavior, how much could he really devastate you after all this time?

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #108 on: June 17, 2019, 09:24:46 PM »
Hi  dear Serenity,

I am not surprised your H speaks so fondly of you, it's been obvious where he should be.  To be honest, if a MLCer asked specifically to talk with me, I'd be there.  I know he's been difficult to say the least but I do believe the worst of his crisis is over and he is trying to make his way back.

If you are 100% certain you don't want him, then leave him  alone but if you would rather reconciliation, I would be talking with him and leaving any emotion out of it.  Maybe you can start as friends again and work your way back to each other.

I think our expectations are too high and we expect them to come back healed.  He may have have a long way to go but I would be talking to him and telling him if he wants to have any relationship with you, even friends, he needs to start seeing a good psychologist and chose one for him, someone who understands Jungian therapy and MLC. If he agrees to go and see somebody it's a great start and if he refuses, you can tell him to go jump!  It's a reasonable test for him don't you think?

Your heart will never be still until you both try to repair the damage he has done.  He needs a chance to get some help and it's possible he's too weak to recognise his own need.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Mitzpah

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #109 on: June 18, 2019, 05:15:29 AM »
Serenity,

'Tis a hard road we walk.

I think you are doing the right thing - keeping busy and carrying on with the business of living



My life is very busy, I’ve been doing a lot. Taken on a voluntary job as well and made lots of lovely new friends. I’m still going on odd dates, here and there but no one fills the space my H left.



I have been doing the same and we have very similar timelines.

This evening I will be going with my mum to a concert - not exactly my choice of entertainment on a working day evening but I am sure it will be good.

Like you, I have yet to find something to fill the 'space'. Perhaps, as Xyzcf points out here
Your life sounds "content" and yet still yearning for the completeness that we felt with our husbands. Nothing else quite satisfies, no other people are quite enough to fill that void for me.


there is no filling of that particular space.

I think that acceptance of where we are and our current reality goes some way in finding contentment with what is possible, it is just that space, that missing something that doesn't quite go away.



None of this journey is easy. All I can say is at this stage there isn’t the intense pain that there once was just an internal ache that nothing heals!




I get you!

xx
M 58
H 58
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

 

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