Author Topic: My Story The Positives XXIII  (Read 3672 times)

Offline UrsaMajor

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My Story Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #20 on: January 16, 2019, 06:08:18 AM »
Attaching to your new Thread
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #21 on: January 16, 2019, 11:38:42 AM »
I think maybe the old theory that most will come through and few will become stuck might need to be changed to few will come through and most will become stuck.  :-\
Sorry for the negative comment, but it kind of seems like that’s what we are seeing as the years go on.

I disagree. I still think most come out of MLC. The problem is, at first, RCR had MLC at a very short time frame, which tends to be the time frame most places that talk about MLC have. The reality is that MLC can last, an often does, far longer than we thought.

It is not possible to know if a person that is still in crisis will become, or not become, a better version of themselves. Serenity's husband is still in Replay. None of us know how he will be when is crisis is over.

We know, and so does, Serenity, that he can change, because for a little while, he did. I think he will come out of crisis, just not right now.

If we read the threads of those reconnected/reconciled, many state their spouse is a better version than the pre-MLC one. It does not mean all MLCers once out of crisis will be a better version of themselves.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #22 on: January 16, 2019, 02:04:23 PM »
Hello Nas, Thunder, UM and Anjae,

I do honestly believe my husband has moved through the tunnel if you like. He’s very different now to how he was early in his crisis. His anger towards me lasted about a year and half, the monstering stopped about three years ago. I do believe he’s nearer the end BUT he hasn’t done any work on himself so I guess remains stuck, just going back and back into replay maybe to get that high or fix but the current new R will fail too just like all the rest have!

He messaged me tonight to see if I was ok, wanting to know why I wasn’t answering any of his texts. I’m sure he knew full well but obviously needed me to spell it out to him so I did. I answered him very briefly and firmly that I refuse to be in his life now that’s he’s taken up with yet another OW!

The way I’m feeling atm - I’m completely done. All I feel for him today is disgust!

X

Offline Treasur

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #23 on: January 16, 2019, 02:10:57 PM »
Sounds like the right choice for you at the moment though, Serenity, so well done on picking yourself up so quickly. And his texts? Oh my goodness, sometimes they just behave like children, it's ridiculous. You ARE ok...bc you are not interested in spending time or energy with people who disrespect you or mess up your lovely serenity  :) :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #24 on: January 16, 2019, 02:15:11 PM »
I do honestly believe my husband has moved through the tunnel if you like.

Interesting point of view. I think what you are seeing, and have saw through the years, are the several "phases" of Replay. Not all MLCers keep their anger towards the LBS for years and some (several?), at a point, stop monstering at the LBS. But that does not mean the crisis is over. Think about Wallowers, for example. Many Wallowers don't monster, but that does not mean they are not sill in crisis.

If your husband went back to Replay, then, logically, he is still in crisis. I remeber that HB used to say there comes a point when a MLCer peeps out of the tunnel, then goes back inside, but they can only walk so far back. RCR has the same thing in the articles. At times, I think we forget MLC is often not linear, and that MLCers come foward, then go back again. They may not be able to go back to the start of Replay, but they may be able to stay in the new back for a good while.

Lets see what your husband reply to your message is. Could it be that, in his MLC mind, he thought that you were fine with him being around you while also having a new girlfriend? Could he, in that regard, still be with the usual MLCer "having the LBS and OW/OM" and lead a life of "we can all be friends"?

The way I’m feeling atm - I’m completely done. All I feel for him today is disgust!

It is fine. His behaviour was disgusting. You can always stop being done later on if you want to.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #25 on: January 16, 2019, 02:15:23 PM »
Bit late serenity but attaching xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #26 on: January 16, 2019, 05:53:03 PM »
Hi gorgeous Serenity,  I absolutely loved our conversation and am amazed at how similar we are in our feelings towards MLC and our H's.  We both had similar marriages and have similar values, but our H's were very good men with the utmost integrity before they weren't :'(

I don't know what the outcome is going to be for either of us but I know it's going to be what's best for us.

I do hope your H contacts with a decent explanation about the current ow.  I know it's crazy to expect 'decent' from them at any time but let's hope there is an exception this time.

Get some sleep and eat well, you'll need all your energy to deal with this man ::)

((((((((Hugs))))))))
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #27 on: January 17, 2019, 03:01:10 AM »
Serenity,

I am glad you were able to be clear with that foggy minded person :P

I wonder whether he is just in teenage mode, just pushing at your boundaries to see if they stick?  ::) 

I think all we can do is be consistent in our attitudes and carry on living our lives with our heads high knowing that we are doing our level best.

I am sure he got something to think about ;)
M 58
H 58
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline 31andcounting

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #28 on: January 20, 2019, 04:43:32 PM »
I’m sorry I’ve been absent my sweet friend but you are receiving the best of the best advice 💝
You are better than your H . Sorry it is as simple as that! Crisis. Change. Whatever? Good people do not use and abuse people!!
 You Are the best! Remember that my friend!

He has a whole lot of work to do to catch up
(Hugs)
31
Hurting people hurt people :(

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #29 on: January 28, 2019, 09:55:10 AM »
Thank you all,

Dear 31, Mitzpah, Savvy, RP, Anjae and Treasur,

Still trying to pick myself up and find a new balance for myself after last couple months!

I’m still hurting, upset, dreaming of H and trying to find answers that aren’t there!

I would anyone’s opinion.....

My D rang me today and told me that H has contacted her and asked to go and stay with her! She told him could!

I’m really hurt and disappointed! She knows how upset I’ve been and that I’m still very tearful and not recovered. I really thought she’d have something to say to H after what he’s done to me yet again. I’m shocked at her if I’m honest! Once again no consequences for H’s disgusting behaviour!

Apparently our youngest son spoke to H about the supposed new OW and H said that it wouldn’t work and he won’t be seeing her again. I have no idea what’s going on and don’t really care - I just want to stop hurting and stop crying!

Just wondered what anyone else thinks about this.

X

 

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