Skip to main content

Author Topic: My Story The Positives XXIII

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3468
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: The Positives XXIII
#80: April 17, 2019, 01:34:58 AM
Sorry everyone but this is a long whinge...

This week my daughter was supposed to stay with me and I had lots of stuff planned for us!

Anyway for one reason and another she didn’t come which I was upset about as I don’t see her much since she moved away...

Anyway, apparently her dad drove down to stay with her last w/e, which although I’m not thrilled about they need to have a relationship.

He has been trying to creep back in with me yet again last week by sending a concerned and chatty message but I’m continuing by boundary since he hurt me so deeply yet again after Xmas so I ignored him.

But apparently he’s decided to go and stay with our D again this coming long Easter w/e and told our D that he’d drive me down there too and told her to ask me! I couldn’t believe that she actually asked me as she knows how I feel and she’s heard me  breaking my heart over the way he treated me yet again. She also knows I’m keeping well away from him and want nothing more to do with him! I need to save myself and can’t be dragged into anymore of H’s madness!

If he can’t behave like a decent human being then I want no part in it!

Sadly my eldest son and granddaughter were due to go down too as it’s his birthday. Under normal circumstances it would have been absolutely lovely and made me so, so happy. I’m still shocked that my daughter even put her dads suggestion to me knowing how strongly I feel about it! It’s hurting me so badly that they’re potentially going to have a lovely w/e by the sea while I’ll spend some of this w/e alone and also looking after my H’s dog!

Interestingly though when I told my eldest son today (he lives with my H) he said that ‘if’ his dad was going for the w/e then he didn’t really want to go!!!!!!

Sorry just needed to talk to people that understand this deep hurt, betrayal and everything else that goes along with this whole $h!tety business

All I ever wanted in life was my family and I feel at times I’ve lost it and now my H seems to be enjoying the very thing he blew apart

I can’t seem to calm my hurt and just yucky feelings and dreading this long w/e ahead of me

Thank you for listening

X
  • Logged

S
  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5997
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: The Positives XXIII
#81: April 17, 2019, 03:21:04 AM
Oh Seren - I get it and probably so do many of us.

Have you explained to your daughter your feelings on this? 

Being devil's advocate - what exactly is it about H and the situation that would stop you going down there this Easter?  Now before anyone shouts at me I am not "siding" with anyone here. 

Unpick what it is that stops you from even contemplating going down to see D even if H is there.

Is it possible that D wants to have the two of you together for a family session but doesn't know how to ask you for herself.  It is cowardly of H to ask her to ask you admittedly but would this touch and go be too much for you?

I must admit I am curious if not a little baffled as to why you are looking after H's dog for this purpose. 

Rise above this Serenity.  I know you are soooo tired of H's unbelievably abundant touch and goes; then why look after H's dog so that you miss out on a family weekend ?   Is that really enforcing a boundary for H to understand?

  • Logged
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10493
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Positives XXIII
#82: April 17, 2019, 03:52:46 AM
I think Song makes a good point
I don't have a family so I can hear your distress and frustration but can't get it of course in the same way.

People have the right to make choices though, Serenity, including our kids. We might not like them but they do. And often those choices are not about us but about other things entirely.
And you can choose too.
As Song says, you could choose to go. With him or under your own steam as you see fit.
Or you and your son could do something different. Or you can do something with others. Or plan to go another long weekend say.
Choosing - and understanding why we are choosing x over y - is part of taking our power back and being able to shrug off any resentment about others choices. Jmo.
I get that right now you want to avoid your h bc you think he manipulates you like he did when he was ill....but like Song, not sure why HIS dog is your responsibility to babysit? Presumably if you weren't available he would find another solution. Say no and let him do so imho.
  • Logged
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 6165
  • Gender: Female
  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Re: The Positives XXIII
#83: April 17, 2019, 04:09:51 AM
Sweet Serenity,

Your story sounds so often like mine! ::)

In my case, it is h. who has recently put a stop to family events where both of us are present. In the end it shakes down to the same - the kids are the ones who are hurt, I think.

I am also the one landed with his dogs - I was at gym the other day with my d24 and someone commented on a bruise on my daughter's arm and she looks sideways at me - it was my 'mother's' dog fighting with my dog, she doesn't get on with other dogs - Oh, so now the dog is mine? :o

And, h gets to spend family time with the kids, free of the encumbrances of fighting dogs!  I have found, time after time - that I need to have very simple basic boundaries to protect me and my feelings, however I will not say no to family time if it is available for the sake of the kids. I just put my foot down at spending time with ow at these family occasions and that is what h. doesn't like - sorry...

Anyhow, just to say - I understand, sorry about the upset it has caused you, I am sure you will do what is better for you ;) - I have also found that the kids begin to understand more when we are calm and consistent in our attitudes


Hugs
  • Logged
M 58
H 58
S 28
D 25
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3468
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Positives XXIII
#84: April 17, 2019, 05:22:24 AM
Thank you dear friends

I value and appreciate your support and comments...

I’m sorry I didn’t explain myself properly. When H left nearly 8 years ago he left the two dogs that he’d nagged me for years to get!

But like you dear Mitz (after a couple moves) the fighting between them got to such a dreadful situation and I got to breaking point. Thankfully my D took the easier of the two terriers. It was supposed to be a temporary situation but she found herself falling in love with the dear little chap so he never came back and I miss him dearly. He’s moved all over the place with her and gone everywhere and taken it all in his stride

X

Dear S & D
Not sure if you know but H was v ill before Xmas and I went everyday to the hosp to support him. He then came to stay in my home to recover more until I couldn’t take some of his comments anymore. He was clearly still in crisis and showed no comprehension of my pain or feelings! I still let him come for the whole of Xmas and we all spoilt him and welcomed him, he came to Cornwall to celebrate new year with all of us and it was all fabulous. I carried on seeing him when we got back and then towards end of January he apparently had a new gf staying for the w/e! To say I was shocked was an understatement! So he chose to have one more time around the moon rather than the fabulous family time we’d enjoyed and all my love, care and compassion. He’d even thanked me over and over for a wonderful Christmas!
I guess that’s when I reached my breaking point and I don’t even like this version of him! I don’t want some man/child that won’t look at himself and continues to run after endless women!

I have my pride and feel I deserve so much better and I just felt used big time

X

Treasur

Thank you for your comments. I’m hoping to make the long drive in the summer down there for my 60th. It’s a heck of a journey for me alone and I’m dreading it. Partly driving alone, partly due to a chronic back condition and there will be no one to take over the driving once my pain gets too bad.

I just feel my H isn’t genuine and is trying to manipulate me and I guess he’s trying to regain control. I’m ignoring all his contact and any offers he’s making to me via our children. He knows what he did to me was wrong but he’s trying to somehow get past that! The w/e of the new gf he lied to me and said he had friends staying. ‘If’ he thought what he was doing by getting a new gf, then he would have been honest with me!

I don’t know if there’s an OW or not (eldest son seems to think there is). All I know is I need to stay away from him for my own sanity and to help me to move on. Too many times over these years he’s done this and I’ve been there for him and he says all the right things and will then just disappear again.

So now I’m doing this just for me. For my peace of mind

X
  • Logged

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3468
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Positives XXIII
#85: April 17, 2019, 05:26:43 AM
Sorry I forgot to say that ‘if’ I accepted H’s offer it would mean at least 5 hours in the car alone with him!

He would more than likely try and sleep in my room which I wouldn’t even entertain.

I suppose I was shocked at my daughter even telling me! She knows how I feel, she knows how much he’s hurt me and she knows I want nothing to do with him


If things were different then I can’t think of anything nicer than being by the sea with my family. But I can’t play happy families with him anymore

Just not looking forward to this long w/e now

X
  • Logged

S
  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 5997
  • Gender: Female
  • Strength and honour are her clothing;
Re: The Positives XXIII
#86: April 17, 2019, 09:07:13 AM
Quote
Not sure if you know but H was v ill before Xmas and I went everyday to the hosp to support him. He then came to stay in my home to recover more until I couldn’t take some of his comments anymore. He was clearly still in crisis and showed no comprehension of my pain or feelings! I still let him come for the whole of Xmas and we all spoilt him and welcomed him, he came to Cornwall to celebrate new year with all of us and it was all fabulous. I carried on seeing him when we got back and then towards end of January he apparently had a new gf staying for the w/e! To say I was shocked was an understatement! So he chose to have one more time around the moon rather than the fabulous family time we’d enjoyed and all my love, care and compassion. He’d even thanked me over and over for a wonderful Christmas!

Oh he really is an a**e!  No I had no idea that this had happened.

Fair play Serenity.
So flip your thoughts - you are not going to be "lonely" or alone this Easter. You are making the choice to be by yourself because anything less is toxic for you and you value yourself too much to allow such toxicity to creep back in and abuse your kind hearted and sentimental nature.   
Being serene also means being at peace with yourself and your life but there must always be a bit of steel in there. Serene is about having those healthy boundaries and and about facing c**p head on and with an inner sense of determination not to be brought down by it.

Also flip your thinking about the dog - yes it may have originally been H's but it is now yours because H has defaulted on his right to have a dog. 

Flipping your thinking into " what if I thought about this differently - how would I feel?" is a great way to overcome moments of sad triggering. 

  • Logged
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 10493
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Positives XXIII
#87: April 17, 2019, 09:15:22 AM
I think, Serenity, that you are honouring your own boundaries, your own needs and your own gut instinct about your h's pattern of manipulation.
Good for you.  ;)
My guess is that this is a big change from the old you and some of your family may take a while to adjust.
As Song says, flip it round....what lovely serene things can you and YOUR dog do over a sunny weekend? (Things that will be much more fun imho than 5 hours in a car with an MLCer   ::) )
I will be doing a mix of church, allotment time in the sunshine, some beach walks and a visit to my uncle and maybe my mother.....
  • Logged
« Last Edit: April 17, 2019, 09:18:06 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

  • *
  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 3468
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Positives XXIII
#88: April 17, 2019, 03:43:40 PM
Thank you S & D

Since reading your post and suggestion I feel better already and I will flip things around.

I’m going to try and see some friends and do some nice outings. I think my eldest son and granddaughter may not now be going so I’ll hopefully see them as well

I hope you have a lovely w/e

X

Treasur you are so right in that this is a huge change for me. I’ve never been this resolute in my decision to be NC and just move myself away from the whole situation! I’ve usually given in in the past and my H probably thinks the same will happen now!

But there’s been a big shift in me lately. A stronger and more determined me has emerged. It’s not one that my family are used to!

I do so envy where you are and being able to walk by the sea. It’s such a special thing and brings me much happiness when I get the opportunity. Enjoy your allotment. I keep getting in my garden when I can. I love doing bits and pottering although I’m so busy lately there’s not been much time to get out there.

Enjoy your w/e

X
  • Logged

  • *****
  • Hero Member
  • Posts: 16546
  • Gender: Female
Re: The Positives XXIII
#89: April 17, 2019, 03:59:36 PM
I am sorry you were hurting, Serenity.

Song's suggestions of flipping it around are excellent.

Your daughert probably just wanted to had Easter with both her parents and siblings. She is used to you always being open to be around husband and caring for him. It is most likely new for her that you would decline.
  • Logged
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.