Author Topic: The Positives XXIII  (Read 4371 times)

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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The Positives XXIII
« on: January 14, 2019, 11:44:55 AM »
Here I am starting my new thread. Please can someone link my threads! I apologise for continuing to be hopeless over this stuff!

I feel the last thread ended at a difficult time so I’ll continue it here.

Thank you 31, Milly, Nerissa, Anjae, Savvy, T & L and xy.

I’m grateful as always to all of you for your support and picking me back up when I’ve faltered yet again.

I’ve had a big wobble and am now trying to move forward. I’ve kept occupied and busy since I found out. If I stop to think I’m afraid I may break!

I’m still in shock and can’t believe this has happened! Can’t believe he would knowingly hurt me again after our talks and him knowing the pain I still carry inside me!

How can a sane person do that to the person they claim to love?

I cannot forgive this. I can’t continue with this. It’s just too much. He obviously loves his horrid life and prefers some random skank to me and his beautiful, loving family! It shouts insanity to me. He must see himself as some teenage lothario!

Well he has nothing to offer anyone and his health problems along with his depression will flare again but the difference is, next time I won’t be there to hold his hand, hold him whilst he’s in pain and crying. He’ll be alone and he must feel what he’s got is so worth all that.

All that matters to me is my family, they’re the most precious and valuable thing to me.

I’m sorry if I sound bitter, I just am in total shock and so tired of all this endless crap.

I would like him to divorce me and leave me alone, leave me to get on with what’s left of my life.

I really believed we were nearing the end and we would have a happy ending. I was starting to believe he wanted us all back again. I didn’t expect it to be at all easy but I believed it was finally what he wanted. I thought it was going to be a slow rebuilding and making amends but no, he’s chosen to throw it all away again.


Previous thread:
« Last Edit: January 15, 2019, 06:42:12 AM by xyzcf »

Offline Treasur

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2019, 12:00:33 PM »
You don't sound bitter, serenity.
You sound shocked, hurt, angry, frustrated, bewildered, disappointed and tired. But not bitter.
I don't think you had a wobble either. I think your h threw another grenade at you.
And you're right of course, no sane person can understand it. But no sane wise person wants to expose themselves or the precious bits of their life to it either, so of course you feel as you do.
Take the time and space you need to catch your breath. Let him swing in chaos as he wishes while you move yourself back over to the sane, peaceful side of the street. Do what you need to do for you.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2019, 12:19:14 PM »

Welcome to your new thread, Serenity.

I am sorry you are hurting.

Of course your husband is still not on his right mind.

You don't sound bitter, you sound upset, and rightfully so, and in shock.

May I suggest you keep any decisions you may wish to take to when you are felling well?

It is possible you husband does want you to be back again. For some reason, he is not ready yet. Long time and very long time MLCers are very hard to understand. Let alone those who seem to be coming out, reach out and it all looks like going well, then, back to the crazy MLC they are.

Sadly, nothing you can do about husband. Back to focus on Serenity and her family.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2019, 08:44:20 PM »
It will take you a few days to make sense of this new GF rubbish. They really don't appear to think about anyone but themselves, do they?

What about how you would feel when you heard the news?

Probably best to go dark on him until you feel able to deal with this mad person who gave up everything to have a terrible life.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way.'s thread)

Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #4 on: January 15, 2019, 03:42:00 AM »
Hello dear Treasur, Anjae and Savvy,

Lovely to find you here. I’m ok but feeling bit sad today despite trying to convince myself I’m fine.

I know he’s not worth it and I deserve so much better especially after all I’ve done to help him recently.

I would just like to say that I had a VERY long phone call with Savvy last night and what a lovely, lovely, kind and strong lady she is. Yet again having to deal with a damned fool of a MLCer! Nearly every LBS I’ve met and talked to are such fine and decent people!

We are all amazing

Much love to you all


Offline serenityTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #5 on: January 15, 2019, 03:43:41 AM »
PS would one of the mods please be kind enough to link my threads

Thank you so much


Their linked, Serenity.   :)
« Last Edit: January 15, 2019, 08:55:20 AM by Thunder »

Offline Nas

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #6 on: January 15, 2019, 06:32:18 AM »
Following along, serenity.  I don't have much to add to what's already been said.  I'm sorry you're dealing with this and hope you know you don't deserve it.  It is amazing how time after time, the shock of being faced with their selfishness and foolishness is just as deep.  You'd think at a certain point we'd be numb to it but, no, it still hurts. 

You are a great example of sticking to your boundaries.  Any OW in the picture = no serenity. (literally and figuratively!)

Offline Mitzpah

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2019, 06:44:11 AM »

I am glad to see you perking up after h's attempt at throwing you under the bus again >:(

I know that it is sad that he has such a callous attitude after you made the effort to help him in every which way. Know that he is the one with a bad attitude, not you for being kind to him.

Time to leave him to his own resources and focus on the lovely parts of your life. You are so good at creating beautiful spaces :) it just comes through your posts...

M 58
H 58
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline xyzcf

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2019, 07:03:30 AM »
Good morning serenity.

Raw. This is how I read your post for the second or third time. Raw.

I picked out these phrases that struck me, because I have felt them too:

"I’m afraid I may break!
I’m still in shock
can’t believe this has happened
How can a sane person do that
It’s just too much.
It shouts insanity to me.
he has nothing to offer anyone and his health problems along with his depression will flare again
I just am in total shock and so tired of all this endless crap.
he’s chosen to throw it all away again."

We have learned over the years that certain things can be relied on. In most relationships we have with others, especially close relationships, we are good at being able to know what to expect. In our marriages, we knew who our husbands were. Loyal, honest, trust worthy, loving, caring about others, family loving.

They are like Dr. Jekell and Mr Hyde.  It is very damaging to us who have experienced this change from one moment to the next, from a loved one who comes to us, talks "normally", brings us gifts to someone we do not someone who can still cause us deep, deep pain.

In a therapy session before he shocked me by divorcing me so suddenly, I had turned my hands towards the room as I said "this is not enough" while turning my hands towards my heart. You know that the therapy is a mind/body type and the therapist pointed that out to me, what my hands and body were doing as I was saying the words...because the actions from my Beloved are not enough to sustain me.  These small actions that "seem" to speak to me that he is drawing not mean to him what they mean to me.

Did he feel that there was a closeness that he does not want developing? Is that why he suddenly divorced me? Is that why your husband suddenly found a new girlfriend?

As you know, we can debate long and hard about these things...but we shall never really know.

I go back to the early months, when I termed these actions "flipping" many times his telling me one thing and then doing the opposite and never explaining why...that "kills" least give me some explanation instead of stoney silence or lies!!!!!

Your reaction to this is normal. It is painful and you feel terrible, does this happen, that we still bleed when they do these things?

But we do.

My only consolation, is my belief that there is something seriously wrong with them.....inside of them, they do not have any empathy/compassion or "goodness"..whatever is causing them to be like this, I probably will never know the cause...but the actions of so many who do something like this convince me that we are dealing with something beyond our ability to comprehend.

May peace be in your heart today.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: The Positives XXIII
« Reply #9 on: January 15, 2019, 08:05:52 AM »
Hi, Serenity,

I read what you wrote about him "obviously loving his horrid life" and just shake my head -- I don't think it's anything to do with him loving his life and preferring someone else to you, I think he was faced with the mirror and ran, yet again.   It doesn't at all sound like a considered action. 

I, too, wondered exactly that a few years ago when something similar happened, and realised that it had nothing to do with him making a rational choice, and certainly nothing to do with me or our marriage.  Just like it has nothing to do with your marriage -- you have shown nothing but love and kindness.

I think the line that MLCers don't want someone better than us, they want someone worse than themselves, applies. 

I also think that xy may be right when she said that he may have seen a closeness developing, and then another OW gave him an "out"; provided a distraction, "told" him that he had made the right decision leaving, all that. 

xy is right, we do still bleed when they do this; keeping a healthy distance is often the only thing that helps.  We don't understand, because what we are faced with isn't understandable.

And like we say, this all goes to show that something is seriously wrong.  And our job is to take care of ourselves and our families, leaving them to it, hard and painful as that is.

Thinking of you,



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