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Author Topic: My Story The Positives XXIII

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My Story Re: The Positives XXIII
#30: January 28, 2019, 10:06:40 AM
It really hurts when our kids and their dads are together, for whatever reason. It is so difficult for our kids because they should never have had to pick sides.

I still think it is important and positive that our kids maintain as much of a relationship as they can with their dad. In the long run, that is better even though it "triggers" us.

I find it better for me when I have no idea what he is doing, either with our daughter of in general in his life...I am not a part of his life anymore and it just seems that knowing about him causes me more grief.

I am sorry serenity.  :'( Sometimes it just screams to me "this is NOT fair" but I still personally would encourage my daughter to always be open to her dad. She doesn't tell me much about their contact and I am sure she doesn't tell him much if anything about my life....what a difficult position for them to be in!

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I just want to stop hurting and stop crying!

There are times when I am still in that place, but I also realize that "that place" is no where near as dark as it once was, and that there are many many other good times for which I am grateful.

I cannot change this at all but thankfully, things shift at times and bring me to a place of peace and yes, even to a place of happiness and joy. Our journey is not an easy one...we so often have said that it would have been "easier" if they had died...there is no closure to this and they are living a life totally opposite of what we plannned and dreamed of..of course it hurts terribly!
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: The Positives XXIII
#31: January 28, 2019, 10:14:51 AM
Thank you dear xy,

I very much appreciate your post and I know only to well that you understand my pain

You are under correct that the pain is nowhere near the early days of being on the floor and crying daily and endlessly.

I met up with a newish friend today that is sadly in the early days of this horrid journey. Her pain is still quite raw and I don’t feel a very good example of being the other side of this thing!

Not that long ago I was on a high but thanks to my H he’s dragged me back down to a sad place with no answers and no closure

I know you’re right over our children but I’m just surprised my D has so soon just let the latest hurt go! I thought there would be something said to her dad and some consequence. It just ‘feels’ he can just do as he pleases and then still play happy families with them whenever he feels like it. I can’t even make the journey to visit my daughter alone as I have a chronic back condition. H on the other hand has no ties or anything so can go whenever it suits him!

Just so tired of hurting😔

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Re: The Positives XXIII
#32: January 28, 2019, 10:56:43 AM
I'm so sorry serenity.  None of this is fair.  >:(

Maybe it would be better if you asked your D not to tell you when he contacts her because this is still a little raw for you.  You need some time to adjust.
I'm sure she would understand.

{{{Big Hug}}}
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: The Positives XXIII
#33: January 28, 2019, 11:34:14 AM
Thank you Thunder

Hugs

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Re: The Positives XXIII
#34: January 28, 2019, 11:37:18 AM
I know serenity....wish I could erase him from my thoughts but I cannot seem to do that.

We never choose this, never choose to have our families so divided....once I look at it from my daughter's point of view, I have a bit of an easier time accepting that they are going to spend time together and that is what I would want rather than a father who completely would have abandoned her.

Many times I tell myself, he doesn't want to be married to me. This is his freedom to live as he wants..that helps a bit.

xo
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"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

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Re: The Positives XXIII
#35: January 28, 2019, 11:53:40 AM
Thank you dear xy,

I know you’re all right. It’s just my D was always my biggest support and comfort in all this.

I know she doesn’t want to go back to all the years she didn’t see him or have him in her life.

She misses him so is willing to accept this half version of what she knew!

I wouldn’t want her going behind my back if I’m being honest but it just felt a bit quick like he’s forgiven in her eyes

I’ll get over it and hopefully pick myself up again soon

Hugs

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Re: The Positives XXIII
#36: January 28, 2019, 12:14:57 PM
You will bc your love for your daughter is bigger than your understandable anger with your h...bc that is the kind of woman you are.

Take a breath. Normal serenity service will be resumed.
I have a sneaking suspicion that your h is aiming to wriggle through a back door via your daughter, I hope not but you are wise enough to set up any new boundaries you need to keep the horrid stuff away. And your daughter may find him far from a pleasant house guest so she might need your support with boundaries too  ::)
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« Last Edit: January 28, 2019, 12:22:45 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: The Positives XXIII
#37: January 28, 2019, 12:15:50 PM
Dear Serenity,

I am sorry that you are still hurting.

Your D is still your husband's D as well. No point in having the kids turning their back on dad, is there? She probably feels he needs her, or is afraid of losing him. She is not afraid of losing you.

No idea why husband said to youngest son new OW will not worl and he will not be seeing her again. Probably because it really will not work. Who knows what is going on with your husband. He himself may not know.

Hugs.
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« Last Edit: January 28, 2019, 12:28:58 PM by Anjae »
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

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Re: The Positives XXIII
#38: January 28, 2019, 12:26:02 PM
Thank you Treasur and Anjae,

Treasur you made me chuckle - I’m grateful! I love that line... normal Serenity service will be resumed.

You are of course right. I’ll dust myself of (once again) and get my balance back soon. It’s just been a bigger wobble due to the bigger T & G! X

Anjae,

As always the voice of reason and logic - I thank you.

You’re right - my D doesn’t want to lose her dad yet again and is pleased he’s back in her life - even the version that he now is!

When I said to her recently that I missed how her dad was - she simply stated ‘we ALL do mum’

Hugs X
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Re: The Positives XXIII
#39: January 28, 2019, 12:33:03 PM
You're welcome, Serenity.

Of course the kids, like you, miss the husband/dad version that used to exist. But, for now, only has D her dad current version. She cannot turn him into his old version anymore than any of us can turn our MLCers into their old version. Current version as a dad is better than no dad.

Also, being a dad and a husband, as well as being a dauther/son or a spouse, are different things. Husband may be able to be a bit of a dad, but not able to be a husband. At least not the husband you want and need.

Hugs,
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Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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