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Author Topic: My Story The Positives XXIII

A
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My Story Re: The Positives XXIII
#40: January 28, 2019, 12:37:15 PM

I know you’re right over our children but I’m just surprised my D has so soon just let the latest hurt go! I thought there would be something said to her dad and some consequence.

I totally get the above statement, Serenity.   It hurts because it feels like your D is minimizing your hurt or his callous actions.  If I may, please, she clearly loves both her parents and she may be trying to keep both connections alive. 

I understand from what my daughter said on this latest mother and daughter trip that she didn’t think it was her place to meddle or comment on the relationship between H and me.  She was trying to encourage him to maintain his tenuous emotional connection to the family by being responsive when he reached out to her.  She regarded herself as a conduit between H and the rest of the family.  She thought, ‘at least he is in contact with me, and through me, with the family.’

I’m just offering a different take on your situation from my cheap seat, Serenity.  I see something courageous, generous and positive in your D’s decision to let him stay with her.  Yes, it is she who is doing all the giving in this case and he appears to be getting away with his wrong actions against her mother without any consequences.  Maybe your D letting him stay with her is a sort of ‘consequences’?  As in, this may prompt him to see the contrast between his selfish and immature ways and D’s goodwill.  One can only hope.
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Re: The Positives XXIII
#41: January 28, 2019, 12:43:55 PM
You know, the simple truth is that all of these MLC spouses are often shown more love and grace from their families than their MLC behaviour deserves. Partly bc many of them banked a lot of love by the kind of spouses, parents and human beings they were before, often for many years. Partly bc their families try to shed a little light and hope in what is often a very dark time for everyone. Just as Acorn says.
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Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: The Positives XXIII
#42: January 28, 2019, 01:02:54 PM
Thank you Acorn,

Your post actually made me cry!

I must remember that this journey is hard on all of us.

I felt rather rubbish when I posted earlier but with all your views, comments and perspectives I really do feel so much better now. What an amazing, wonderful lot you are

Big hugs all round X

Treasur - wise words! We do offer them so much more than we get in return. But I’ve often quietly thought to myself about the man that worked hard to provide for us, care, love and take care of us all.
That’s why I suppose we all continue to keep giving X



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A
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Re: The Positives XXIII
#43: January 28, 2019, 01:13:48 PM
Serenity, you had the option of hurling back ‘rubbish’ to us for our comments.  But instead of doing that, you took them to heart, and in good faith that we all mean well.   Kudos to you! 
((((((HUGS)))))) for your hurting heart....
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My first thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8164.150

My reconnecting thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10524.msg699615#msg699615

Live-in MLCer

Feb 2015: BD. 
Oct 2015: ILYBINILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Re: The Positives XXIII
#44: January 28, 2019, 01:25:49 PM
Hi Serenity,

More observations from the cheap seats coming your way ;D

I see your D's behaviour as a shining example of the graceful and compassionate way with which you have parented your kids.  Job well done if you ask me.  She is not approving of his antics, she has not been out partying with him.  She HAS seen your pain and for that reason will not be a doormat but rather an extension of your good influence which is both a leading light and a gentle truth dart to your H.

The other good thing I noted was that (if its true) he seems to have made a pretty quick decision about this new ow.  Don't they normally flog dead horses for much longer.  Even if she is the one to have called it quits, their utopian views of romance usually have them hanging in there longer trying to win her back.  His attention seems to have turned back to the family fairly quickly - which leads me to my next point.

He didn't ask to come and stay with you.  I know he would have to be seriously delusional to even ask you but lets face it, he HAS been seriously delusional in the recent past.  This is an improvement in respecting of your boundaries.  I agree with Treasur that he may be trying to come back via the back door but thats pretty normal isn't it?

Sounds like you have already taken some nice deep breaths and are handing this over.  Let go, Let God.  As well as you know him, is it possible that you don't really know what's going on here?  I definitely don't, so forgive me if any of this throws the cat amongst your emotional pigeons.  Just wanted to offer a re-frame.
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Re: The Positives XXIII
#45: January 28, 2019, 02:17:07 PM
But I’ve often quietly thought to myself about the man that worked hard to provide for us, care, love and take care of us all.
That’s why I suppose we all continue to keep giving X

In the back of my mind there is still a found memory of caring, kind, hard working Mr J. He remains hard working, for himself.

I agree with Treasur that he may be trying to come back via the back door but thats pretty normal isn't it?

It is totally normal for a MLCer to try to come back by the back door.

Serenity, even if the situation is different, I think your husband is being like Mr J, they are acting strange/doing things we don't understand, but we don't know why. Maybe they do, maybe they don't.
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Re: The Positives XXIII
#46: January 29, 2019, 03:24:41 AM
Serenity, I pretty much agree with what the others have said, your H is trying to come back through the back door, so a completely normal MLCer. Your D is a bridge between his fantasy life and you. Having a D who has cut off her dad, I do think it's best they keep the connection. I bet it's hard for your H in your D's house. Don't presume that she isn't either throwing him truth darts, or is a truth dart by her existence.

His latest 5 minute wonder, smells of your H running back into the tunnel in desperation to see if he might be able to resuscitate those happy replay moments of the beginning. Didn't work at all though. They do say that when they are close to rock bottom/liminality, they run back into replay to try to avoid the bottom, but it won't work. I wouldn't be surprised if your H's recent health scare was an awakening but he's not quite done yet.

I would say that if you still want to reconcile, as you did just recently, you might have to come to terms with the fact that this is how the MLCer begins to come back. They do say it's not for the brave. This is a new phase for you, one you are not familiar with. Possibly your expectations got in the way this last time so you envisioned a smooth re-entry.  You just keep doing what you were doing before. If you want to keep standing, you'll have to try to find a way of living your own life while he messes around at your feet for a while.
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Re: The Positives XXIII
#47: January 29, 2019, 02:12:46 PM
Oh sweet strong friend!!!

I agree with what everyone has said and as usual your graceful self has taken it all in warmly.
 H could be beginning to return and he simply could be looking for a place to stay !!!
Only time knows . Don’t let it change your direction! Forward and upward❤️

(((Hugs)))
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« Last Edit: January 29, 2019, 02:14:26 PM by 31andcounting »
Hurting people hurt people :(

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Re: The Positives XXIII
#48: January 30, 2019, 01:03:19 AM
Hello all you lovely ladies...

Sweet 31, Milly, Anjae, H & F and Acorn,

As always, I’m pleased to hear from each and everyone of you and value all your views and thoughts. It’s so good to get others’ perspectives other than my own as I can just go round and round with the same thoughts!

I’m happy to report I’m ok and back to my normal! He he

You have all helped my hugely and RL life friends have been great too.

Monday I spent with a newish friend who’s H is going through this and she wanted help and advice. She finds her RL friends just don’t understand it at all. She’s also Australian and has no family here and few friends that get it, if at all. Her pain is incredibly raw and it saddens me but she said I help her enormously and she says she’s so grateful so I’m glad I can be of use.

Yesterday I met up with a very old friend who id let go years ago! Because we were close and she knew my H so well and knows how truly happy we were. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed over H that I let our friendship go. BUT fate has taken a hand here and I kept bumping into her near where I now live! Spooky but great at same time!

So we’ve started talking and meeting up again and it’s like all the years I’ve not seen her didn’t exist! We’ve both talked and laughed so much and amazingly although she knows nothing about MLC she totally gets it! She lost her dad before Xmas so I believe fate decided that we needed each other again! She gave me such a lovely compliment and told me I was such fun to be around! I always think I moan a lot but I guess I usually do it with a smile not far from my face!

Life isn’t what we wanted or how we planned but there is happiness to be had, it’s just in different places and I’m just so grateful that I have you lot and these lovely people in RL!

Sending love and hugs to you all. I can’t say how much you all mean to me😁

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Re: The Positives XXIII
#49: January 30, 2019, 01:06:22 AM
Treasur was right.....

"Normal Serenity service will now be restored.... thank you for your patience... " LOL
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