Author Topic: My Story  Husband is moving out  (Read 2199 times)

Offline Believer

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My Story Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #50 on: March 17, 2019, 04:28:50 AM »
Ophelia,

I’m sorry about discovering the info on the apt.

It does sound as though you’ve got your head about you quite quickly and well. That’s a terrific thing.

As for MCing keep plugging away slow and steady. There’s often lots to work through and it seems as though your H will have a more difficult time.

Hugs, Believer

Online Treasur

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #51 on: March 17, 2019, 05:51:51 AM »
You sound as if you are doing remarkably well.
And yes, gut wrenching as it was to have a magic vanishing h in my case, I think living with an MLCer can be impossibly hard.

It sounds as if you are still doing MC together?
How useful or not has that been? Some folks come on not being sure if they should do MC in the first few months after BD and some found it either damaging or just a bit of a surreal waste of time. Anything useful you can share?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline OpheliaTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #52 on: April 12, 2019, 06:29:42 AM »
Hi Ladies,

Sorry for being such a loser and not posting in forever, but it was partly because Ive been in a bit of a funk and didn’t really now how to articulate what has transpired in the last 6 weeks. There have been a few updates since I last left off, one big one was that on my own I came to realize that my H moving out was a GIFT! Turned out I didn't DIE! Was feeling relieved and free! So in MC, H and I decided for BOTH of us to tell our son that we were separating and that we were on the same page.

 My S handled it like I thought he would,,,pretty pissed off at both of us and scared.We assured him it had nothing to do with him and that we were committed to going to MCing. We told him while we went on a ski trip together for a week so he had time to process with both of us, and thought it was good for him to see that my H and I were cordial to each other and still love each other. I was relieved we got that out of the way and my H and I finally broke the news of our separation to family and friends, which I was dreading but glad to get it out of the way and surprisingly everyone was very supportive.

 I still believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that my husband is going through a crisis whether you wanna call it bad life or transitional.
He is still not the man I married and not even the same person he was a year ago. In the last thread, I was asked if I thought MCing was helpful/worth it....at first it was a complete waste because my H secretly didn't see how to get past how hopeless he was. I think what changed things was his own individual therapy that he had been doing for 6 months prior. Luckily when he got depressed he had the good sense to seek help. Even though he knew he wanted out of the marriage I think there were some seeds planted that bore fruit later on. I also think “kicking him out of the house” was a game changer.

He told me the week he moved in was the lowest point in his life, and I said “well what the heck did you think was going to happen.” He said I knew it would be hard but I had no choice, I had to do it.” Classic MLC...this is why in the end you have to let them go through they're journey or else nothing changes. It also shows me that he doesn't know himself, because after he moved out I think he realized he was still miserable and didn't have anyone to blame.
Meanwhile even though I was still bummed out I had visitors and did lots of fun stuff, planned vacations and was just enjoying doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. You can call it “Getting a life”, being good to yourself,,self care...and my H saw it and saw that it was NOT an act, and I think that was a big wake up call. Or maybe he just saw the fun, happy person that he fell in love with along time ago.

I have learned in MCing that we both contributed to the huge distance between us and the good news is that the stuff we did is what MOST couples in counseling do wrong. In other words we are not bad people, we tried and failed at communication. I learned that I am conflict avoidant but some of that was because my H would blow up when I tried to present a problem to him and I learned that he was not a safe person so I kept things inside. He learned I was very emotional and sensitive and took thing to heart so he bottled up stuff.
This is all normal stuff and I am grateful I have learned so  much about myself and my husband as painful and messy as it has been. But I will say I still think actually I know he is going through a crisis he has a heaviness to him all the time. He in some ways is more intense, and it scares me to think that I am not sure I want to be with him in the future. We cannot go back to our old marriage and we both know that and are working on ways to improve on our issues but I still have lost a lot of respect for him for putting me through hell and back. But I also feel like I have learned so much about myself and am happier than I was so i guess I have mixed emotions about it all. I am not making any decisions about anything for a long time because the dust is still settling and I dont want any pressure. My H keeps telling me that his Apartment is NOT his permanent home and he does not want to be there forever...funny how the table have turned. I feel pressured by this type of comment but I feel like at least I can talk to him about it and realize bottling it up is not good.  So that is my update, sorry it turned into a mini novel. I just thought you all have been sooooo supportive and encouraging to me, I wanted to touch base. I hope you are all doing well and thriving!
I cant control the past,I can only control my future.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #53 on: April 12, 2019, 08:12:05 PM »
Wow - what a remarkable change. I’m glad you told your S and he will be okay. Amazing how you embraced your new situation and are re-evaluating what you want out of yourself, out of life and out of your marriage. I’m in awe.
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline OpheliaTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #54 on: September 14, 2019, 11:11:02 PM »
Hi again Everyone,
It has been about 5 months since I have posted, not sure really where to start ,,,,quick recap, H dropped the DB on my july 2018,ILYBNILWY,,,,blamed me for a good deal of his unhappiness, he had been seeing a therapist to his credit and agreed to go to MCing although after 4 months I found our he had been looking to move out,I  kicked my H out last January after discovering on the internet that he was checking out a very swanky sky rise apartment,was sick over it and had to tell our S about us seperating BUT then realized to my surprise I felt like i could breathe after he left because he had been so intense and irritable with me for months. I remind myself that if he does not come back I will not have put up with his intensity,,and he needs to change,our old ways of living together were not working and we need a new relationship. MC had taught us both about our dysfunctional ways of relating to each other and keeping things in, we both had issues for sure but I still am fairly certain my H is having a MLC.

Since last October we have been going to MC although over the summer not as much,but it has been hard, I still have a lot of anger and mistrust concerning my H and I think he is still in the throws of MLC and is ambivalent, 2 weeks ago he said he was pretty sure he wanted to end things and then last week he said he was open to more counseling. It has been an emotional rollercoaster ride but I have had some great things happen to me in other areas of my life. I got a job teaching kids with Dyslexia how to read and it pays well and the clinic is across the street from my house and I really like the people I work with and my students, its the first time in 20 yrs I’ve had a paycheck! If feels really good to be doing something independent of being a mom and a wife,,,I have reconnected with old friends and made new ones and for the most part I am liking my life and feel good,

I still miss my old Husband and remember the good times, but he is not the person I married and I know he will need time to find himself again,,,sorry for all the bad cliches. He has acknowledged that he blamed me for everything and admitted there was nothing wrong with me, he had tears in his eyes and said he will regret that for the rest of his life, but the damage has been done and there is a lot of fallout.I still think he may cut and run but if that is the case I will keep on keeping on and will be fine, its just surreal after 2o yrs of M to end up like this. He was away last week, we go back to MC this week. Have no idea what to expect but know I will be fine no matter what. It has been over a year since the DB and I was a wreck and I still feel scared but am in a much better place thankfully, I have found all of youre post reaffirming and my apologies for not posting sooner.
I cant control the past,I can only control my future.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #55 on: September 17, 2019, 04:38:15 AM »
Welcome back Ophelia
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #56 on: September 19, 2019, 08:17:18 AM »
You will be okay.
You will be more than okay from the sounds of it.

I think that was my favorite point in my own healing - when I realized that yes, it still hurts, yes I wish it didn't happen - but yes, I will be okay.

Kudos to him and you for both still going to MC

And congratulations on having your very own paycheck - how awesome that your job is just across the street
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

Offline OpheliaTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #57 on: September 25, 2019, 03:05:31 PM »
 :-\  thank you for welcoming me back to the forum. Unfortunately last week when we went to therapy my husband changed his mind walk he was away and had time to think and  we went to a marriage counseling session he announce that he has made up his mind and wants to divorce and doesn’t feel like it’s fair to keep me hanging and that this process has been exhausting for both of us.

The crazy thing is the night before I had this horrible nightmare about him rejecting me and I was crying it was awful and I haven’t had a nightmare like that In ages I am realizing now that was my intuition and I was right.sigh...

 So I can’t say that I was shocked but my heart definitely think and I felt anger and I thought kind of sick to my stomach. The therapist is trying to get us to talk about our feelings and all I could say between tears was that I was really sad and felt a great deal of loss after 20 years,And was worried about how my son was going to handle things. My husband told me he loves me then went on to say how proud he was of me and hopes that we can still have a friendship and I told him I didn’t want to hear anything out of his mouth.  At the time I don’t think anybody could blame me but I just felt overwhelmed emotions and they all felt like crap. I told him I didn’t care what he thinks of me and that I would be cordial to him but didn’t think I wanted to be his friend. I got up and left  our session and called my best friend and cried and talked. I felt pretty miserable for a couple days I was trying to journal and pour out all the hideous emotions I was feeling.

 I think even though I kept saying I knew I was going to be OK I really felt scared and the reality that this was really happening and I was getting a divorce was going to become very real to me and I had to try to wrap my head around it. I know it is a process and it will take a long time but  Also a surprise to feel a little bit relieved to be out of LIMBO,which is where we were for the last year.  And in that year of therapy I think I felt better about myself and that my husband definitely had some big issues that he did not want to work on let alone admit to. I know that he  I was happy and even though he says for years he was not I still get Facebook reminders of us together and I look at his face and I know he was happy and he loved me. So he can rewrite history as much as he wants to make himself feel better but he will have to live with that at the end of the day. By the way  decided to get off of social media I just felt like it wasn’t healthy and it would be a trigger for me.


So I haven’t talk to him in a week,And honestly was feeling like I may be able to pull off not talking to
 Indefinitely but then he called he sounded tired and sad and nervous at the same time and said he was hoping we could get together and talk about next steps which felt like a dagger in my heart. But I know we are going to have to talk at some point but I really don’t feel like it right now. We talked a bit about the holidays and what we’re gonna do. His Parents have passed away and his family members don’t all get along so he  really only has my family and asked if it was still OK if he comes up for Thanksgiving. I’m still on the fence about it and not sure if that’s a great idea but at the same time I want things to say as  much the same for my son as they have been.

Meantime I went to see my therapist today and he told me to be compassionate with myself and try not to get into seeing myself as a victim or blaming myself or blaming my husband. He said that it is up to me And how I am feeling to decide when I want to get together and talk with my husband. I am going to a women’s divorce workshop in a couple of weeks.

It’s about  how hard it is to let go of relationships and what steps to help you start the process.  Other than that I do feel good most of the time, still happy about how far I’ve come in 14 months since the D bomb. I know in another year I will be even better but I still wish I could put myself in a time machine that fast forward through this crappy grieving period. I have been taking long hikes with my dogs in the mornings and making plans for the future.  Last night my girlfriend and I went to go see Earth wind and fire in concert and they were fantastic and we had such a great time dancing and singing.  AnyWho that is my update for now thanks for listening.

I cant control the past,I can only control my future.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #58 on: September 25, 2019, 06:50:46 PM »
I'm so sorry, Ophelia.

MLCers are strange creatures.

Regarding the Holidays, do what feels right to you.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Husband is moving out
« Reply #59 on: September 27, 2019, 12:08:25 PM »
I am sorry that he feels he wants to divorce you, but good for you for saying you did not want to hear anything from him right now. And the stupid notion that we still want to be friends with them after divorcing is just so ridiculous. Why would we want friends that treat us so shabby ?

You know, if it brings you more peace to not talk to him, then don't. You can tell him, he can write down anything that needs discussed as far as separation and parenting and he can email it to you and you can answer as you feel like it.

As far as the holidays - I get that you want to keep it much the same for your son's sake, but - it is your family and you have to do what feels right for you. If you do not want him there at the holidays then you do not need to allow him to be there. He is the one that wants out and those are some consequences. He cannot expect to still be part of your family after walking out on you. Honestly - I don't think they get it. They do not get how much they destroy, how much they hurt us and how their sheer presence will remind us of all that no longer is.

I am glad to hear that you feel much better about yourself though. You will be okay and your son will be okay.
We are all right here walking this path along with you.

Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away - not sure if she is still in the picture

 

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