Author Topic: My Story Keep it simple  (Read 6447 times)

Offline serenity

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My Story Re: Keep it simple
« Reply #130 on: June 17, 2019, 05:18:02 AM »
Hi H & F

I think you summed it up. The inside of your H’s head is a mess. You know he loves you but they just seem incapable of joining up the dots!

Hugs

X


Offline 31andcounting

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Re: Keep it simple
« Reply #131 on: June 17, 2019, 06:00:03 AM »
I agree with your management. To me it was important to treat my H “as if” all was good and he could and would handle what was needed of him. I felt he needed to feel I hadn’t given up on him. I hadn’t and I wanted him to feel needed.

As usual you sound good!
(Hugs)
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Hurting people hurt people :(

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Keep it simple
« Reply #132 on: June 20, 2019, 10:13:33 AM »
I think it is good as well that you let it be his call. He can't be there if he doesn't know about it, so he has to know to make the choice.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline hopeandfaithTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Keep it simple
« Reply #133 on: June 21, 2019, 05:27:35 PM »
H has stepped up this week.  He came to a meeting a D's school yesterday with her English teacher that wasn't all that important really but he detected that she "wouldn't hate it" if he was there so he came.  It created a lot of driving around yesterday to fit it in with work and other plans but he did it.

D17 has had a pretty good week and done a bit of school work.  The situation with her now reminds me of the opening scene in Top Gun where Maverick and Goose abort their landing to go and guide another aircraft back to the aircraft carrier.  D is currently on my wing at the moment but she is the one doing the work.  Its been quite good.

H has been cycling toward me this week.  It is reminiscent of his behaviour and contact levels when he has broken up with ow although he hasn't said anything.  In the past, he had to let me know that he had broken up with ow to be able to have this much contact with me and now he doesn't which suits me perfectly because I don't tend to ride the rollercoaster with him.  He hasn't been drinking much this week but went home last night and had one of his drunken nostalgic sessions which included going through his photo roll and sending us all pics from the past.  It would have been his first night alone this week given that he is living with D at the moment.  He was supposed to go to his friends house for the night but obviously decided not to.  I see the struggle and I do feel empathy for him.

In other news,  D19 got her start date with H's company as a flight attendant.  She will be starting on 8/7 on a short term contract initially which will hopefully be extended due to maternity leave movements etc.  I have also booked a week away for the family at the end of D17's exams to a sunny tropical locale.  We go away on my birthday (which is also my anniversary) which is awesome because I wanted to take charge of my birthday this year and make it great rather than just trying to get past it.  My dad helped us get a fantastic deal through his holiday club so we are only paying $100 per night for a 2 bedroom apartment.  Soooo excited.  There is room for H so he is still welcome. 

I will be asking him to keep that on the 'down low' from his family for now because if he is coming, our weird niece (and others) is likely to have a strong opinion about that.  If he is not coming, she is likely to have a strong opinion about me spending his money.  The whole thing is none of her business so the less she knows the better. I also have a little interstate getaway planned with 2 of my besties in August for the weekend.  So lots to look forward to  ;D
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline Milly

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Re: Keep it simple
« Reply #134 on: June 22, 2019, 04:02:54 AM »
Hope, things are sounding really good for you right now. Love that you have booked a tropical holiday on your birthday/anniversary. What a way to cancel the bad memories. Instead, you'll be soooo excited. Love this!

Great your D will be starting her work as a flight attendant. So your H is having a lot of thinky times lately. Nice that you can let him cycle close without overthinking it. I hope he keeps going this way. And it's absolutely none of niece's business what you and your H decide to do together or with your joint money.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline hopeandfaithTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Keep it simple
« Reply #135 on: June 24, 2019, 03:01:32 AM »
Keeping the holiday a secret is going to be a little harder than I'd hoped because SIL's boyfriend is having his 40th birthday on the 7th of Dec which is the day after we go away.  We were all invited to that yesterday and there were a few vague "oh great's" going on.  I don't really want it to look like we booked after we were invited to his party but don't want to explain why we didn't mention it when we were invited.  I am just going to go with something like "I forgot the dates".

Interesting day yesterday.  3 weeks ago FIL texted an invite from his long lost daughter to have lunch.  We were all able to go but went in separate vehicles for various reasons.  S & I didn't really want to arrive first but that's what happened.  It was actually at her adopted sisters house so when we drove in the driveway, I had no idea if we were really at the right place.  Niece (the one that keeps pestering my girls to meet ow) arrived within minutes and was in earshot when I was being introduced to another new family member as "H's ...."  I filled the gap with and awkward "yes" and then added "S16's mum".  Niece gets off on generating gossip on minor things like that so that was a bit of a bummer.

H's new sister (A) and her adopted sister were really lovely.  The adopted sister is the type of person I would be friends with so we got along really well.  So weird for them to be talking about forging this new life together with this massive extended family now and for me to sort of be on the outer.  FIL has clearly adopted the attitude that families come in all shapes and sizes and he is leading the way on pulling me back in.  H was very happy to have me there yesterday although he was pretty quiet.  The kids and I all went back to his place afterwards for take away and a cosy night in by the fire.

I spoke to H on Saturday about the holiday I have now confirmed and asked him to keep it to himself because of Niece's last conversation with D19.  This was the one in which she asked D if she wanted her dad to be happy and that she should just meet ow and not be stubborn.  H seemed annoyed and told me that he'd never asked her to do that and I told him that I realised that and thought it was just Niece taking it upon herself to look after H's wellbeing ::).  He agreed that its none of their business.  He then invited me on another short Harley ride which I accepted.  He had been lurking in the afternoon and I wondered if he was considering inviting me.  When I raised the issue of the holiday and niece, that seemed to make his mind up and he invited me.  It seemed like a peace offering almost.  We went to a little pub in the hills for 1 drink and then went home again.  When we were there he admitted that he had been wanting to invite me and thanked me for coming.  Strange how much of a scaredy cat he can be sometimes. Later that night we went out for dinner with D17 which was really nice too.

He rang me this morning and asked me if I'd seen his latest monthly roster.  I told him that I hadn't because I didn't think I could access it anymore.  I thought this was intentional on his behalf so that I wouldn't see all his planned trips to ow's town but he told me it was just a computer glitch that could be fixed by a backslash in the right place.  He then happily told me that he is based in our town for most of the next month (as I requested a week or so ago).  He actually hates being office bound that much and it will likely be changed for last minute short trips but its great that he will be around a lot more for D17.

He is still behaving like the ow-less version of H but hasn't said anything about their status - which is new and interesting to observe.  We have spent a lot of time together over the last week and I can see him struggling with anger.  He rang me on Sat morning just to vent about how slow the service was at a cafe he was at.  He was about to "lose his $h!te" so he rang me to vent.  Probably better than punching someone in the face. The whole conversation was probably only 2 mins long!  The other time I saw it was on Sat night when he told D19 he'd leave his front door unlocked for her rather than putting out a key.  I questioned the security of that and he said that any intruders would end up worse off if they tried to enter.  This is not an arrogant puffed chest type of guy.  I think he would have been semi glad to have someone to unleash onto.  He should really take up boxing  ;D

« Last Edit: June 24, 2019, 03:03:21 AM by hopeandfaith »
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline hopeandfaithTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Keep it simple
« Reply #136 on: July 03, 2019, 03:06:36 AM »
So in the last week, H cycled away and then cycled back fairly strongly.  Or at least thats how I would best describe it.  He worked from ow's town on Tues and Wed last week and I didn't hear much from him.  I don't think the kids did either.  Still quiet on his first night back in town but did text to ask if he could come and make us breakfast the next morning - which happens pretty often.

On the way over, he rang (I can't remember why) but told me that he is doing Dry July and has handed off one of his work trips to a co-worker.  This trip includes taking a bunch of music artists to an outback location for an event so its not a trip that you'd want to be 'dry' for - except for when he has to fly back.  So I take from this that good H is back in town.

He made breakfast and then tried to fix my shower but we soon realised that tiles would need to be taken off the wall because the leak is in the wall.  So he happily suggests that we need to do a bathroom renovation and we spend the rest of the day planning it before taking D17 out for dinner again when she finished work.  Later in the evening, it was just us 2 at home and H got up the courage to update me on things with ow.  He was reluctant to say they were together but admitted that this is what she believes. 

It sounds like she is putting a fair bit of pressure on H to move to our town and I, fwiw, once again encouraged him to consider moving there if he wanted to move forward with their relationship.  Apart from the fact that the kids will never go to 'their' place and he couldn't visit with us, I told him that he would need to sell our boat and camper because I don't want her in them.  I also said that she wouldn't ever want to meet me.  I didn't say it in a threatening way because there is no way I would ever bother to do anything in relation to her, but I said that distance between us helped keep the peace (especially for H).  The obvious choice is for H to go there and I asked him if that's what he wanted.  He said no fairly emphatically.  The squeeze is definitely on for H.

He text her that morning to tell her he was coming to my place to do some jobs and she text back "right".  He then missed 2 calls from her, stayed over at my house and spent all of the next day with me (excluding an hour or so) so it looks like he was trying to force her hand again.  The next day featured H and I going out to lunch and then driving through the hills and stopping at the occasional pub for a drink.  I then dropped him at the airport for work because he needed to passenger to another town to position for work the next morning.  I went into the airport lounge with him until his flight was called and then we kissed goodbye in the middle of the airport - which is his workplace.  He definitely did not win boyfriend of the year award this weekend but that is not my concern - other than the fact that if he can treat anyone like this, its not cool.

We covered a lot of the same sort of territory as we have in previous conversations but I do remember him saying that as he gets older he is starting to understand that this (home) is where he needs to be.  He then changed that to 'wants' to be.  I also asked him what the main barriers were for him.  I expected his feelings for her to be number 1 but he said they weren't, it was more about not hurting me again.  He acknowledges his 2 worlds and is really tired of having to manage them.  I don't think he wants to combine them either (ow move here) but I think he is waiting for the last minute to get out of that.  He also acknowledged that he's been allowing others (read ow) to make decisions for him.  She would be finding him a hard horsey to wrangle though.  He always has been a bit stubborn.  Very quietly stubborn.  His dad's (who is a gentle and super generous person) theme song is "I did it my way" so it runs in the family ::)

H was supposed to be going away with S16 this weekend and told me that if that trip was cancelled (which looked likely) she wanted to come to our town.  I asked him not to let that happen because I said that it would upset D17 too much.  He asked if he was to blame for her situation and I said "not as much as you probably think you are but I have to be honest, as I sat in the Hospital with her last week, I thought that if you are even 2% to blame and not 100% part of the solution, then I am angry".  So we shall see what happens this weekend.  With him being based in our town for the next month, I would expect that the pressure is on for him to spend his weekends there instead of here.

H fessed up to wearing his wedding ring one night last weekend  :-\ :'(. I asked him if he thought WTF when he woke up the next morning and he said he did ;D.  I don't think there was much else to report.  I am definitely finding this rapid cycling pretty difficult.  Overall, his go-kart seems to be facing home but I am currently the ow and the actions are toward home and the words are likely to be towards the ow.  In other words, I think he is going along with the plans to move in together....right up until he doesn't......unless he does  ::)
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline Notinlimbo

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Re: Keep it simple
« Reply #137 on: July 05, 2019, 03:11:59 PM »
That’s great H & f
The part that’s great is you sound a lot more detached.  Able to watch his ups and downs without it effecting the good ship HF. Keep it up.
Xx not.
Me 60
H 59
D 27
BD March 15
OW ex from 34 years ago

Offline hopeandfaithTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Keep it simple
« Reply #138 on: July 06, 2019, 11:35:58 PM »
H's trip away this weekend with S16 was cancelled mid week.  Knowing that ow had said she wanted to come to our town, I started to get a bit nervous that she would.  I suspected that D17 would be very upset by that and her mental health is very wobbly at the moment which is why I asked H to not let that happen when we spoke last weekend.

H was away at the beginning of the week and was due back on Thurs but D19 told me that he had been asked to work in ow's town on Fri.  Something must have changed because when I text him on Thurs afternoon about a finance issue, he told me he was landing back in our town.  I asked him if he wanted a lift home because he didn't have his car at the airport and he said that would be great.  He gave me a 'heads up' that he'd had a few beers though.  Dry July lasted 4 days :o.

H talked about wanting to get stuck into renovating my ensuite this weekend and that started a conversation about ow and my being grateful that she wasn't obviously visiting. He then told me that he'd broken up with her a little earlier that day (by text!).  It wasn't in reaction to a fight because her last text to him had been to wish him a good weekend with S16.  He hadn't even told her that the trip was cancelled.  Interesting to note that this is the first time that I am aware of that he has broken up with an ow.  I am not sure if he has in the past or not but I think most of the time, he pushes them to it.  He did an excellent job of trying to push her to it last weekend but it didn't appear to work ::)

He shared that she has been putting a lot of pressure on him to move to our town ASAP, "like next week".  I asked what she had planned to do for work and he said she didn't care.  She has a good job so he didn't want her giving that up and moving here when the R is doomed.  I actually told him that I was proud of him for putting a stop to things before she did that.

I dropped him off at his place.  He didn't want to come over because he smelled of smoke and had been drinking and he didn't really want to get a ribbing from his roomies either.  He was hating on himself pretty heavily and told me that he doesn't want to be this person anymore.  He sat in the front seat and grabbed my hand and said he was sorry.  I can see remorse and I can see the weight of what he's done.  This has previously led him back into the tunnel because he hasn't been able to deal with it.  I'll keep my fingers crossed that he can this time.  I will say that he does appear to be very 'safe' around me now.

I have started reading some online lessons from a website called Daily OM.  The course is about emotionally unavailable partners and it really fits H to a tee.  It is actually proving to be very helpful to me in terms of managing my expectations.  My H is emotionally bankrupt right now but it doesn't mean he won't get there in the end.  Critically, what I can see is a desire to get there and a need to have an authentic union with someone but he doesn't have the skills, understanding or self-forgiveness yet.  I am hoping to go forward striking a balance between being able to love him but not expect that back right now.  Like loving a coma patient or someone else that is ill.  Hard work for sure but I am actually sadder when I can't show love to the people I love. 

We had a lovely day together yesterday with D19 and then he went back to his place - drunk and tired again and has gone to work again today.  Unfortunately the airline base that ow lives in is heavily under crewed at the moment so H is being called to work from there quite a bit at the moment.  Because he has built his roster around 'admin' duties in our town so that he can be here for D17, it means he is the one with the most flexibility so his roster is turning into a bit of a mystery flight roster.

I am happy to report that D17 has had a much better week this week.  She rattles when she goes to bed from all the tablets she is taking but something seems to be working.  We reluctantly put her on the pill because her dips were heavily correlated with hormonal dips; she takes a very small dose anxiety medication; she takes a multi-vitamin with a pro-biotic and she is also trying St John's Wort.  She got up yesterday morning before 9am and made herself a protein shake and went to the gym  :o :o :o. This kid hasn't been able to get herself out of bed before 11am (at the earliest) and just hasn't had any puff whatsoever even then.

I also found out mid-week that she only has to pass 3 of her 4 enrolled subjects this year to pass her final year of school.  She only has an exam in one subject and she is likely to bomb out on this because she hasn't been in class and doesn't do well in exam conditions anyway.  We then got her semester 1 results and she has 2 A's, an A- and a C so far.  The C can be easily bought up to an A because she has done most of that work but not handed it in.  If she hands nothing further in from here, she would be super close to passing the year so our goal is going to be focusing on those few assignments that will get her into that position.  Super happy mummy here  ;D

Part of the reason I was nervous about having ow here this weekend is that D17 also had a party with her nemesis on Sat night which she has been pretty anxious about.  It was this girls antics that had me taking D to the hospital most recently and D has been avoiding quite a few parties that she knew this girl was going to.  Sat nights party was one she hand picked to go to because she was good friends with the host and she also wanted to prove that she wasn't scared of this girl as that was a rumour that this girl was starting to lick her lips over. 

D decided not to drink so that she would have her own car there if it went south.  She headed out looking absolutely beautiful and I waited nervously for snapchats and the like for updates.  All of her friends drank to extreme which is unlike them and every single one of them ended up sick.  I was worried that 17 year old girls who are drunk are drama heat seekers and they all are very aware of the beef between D and "psycho $l()t". (D's words :-X).  I couldn't have wished for a better outcome though.  PS did not turn up, 'dogged' the party host and would have seen plenty of pics of D on the 'socials' to prove that she was there, looking beautiful and having a fab time.

I have a lot to be grateful for considering that on Thurs morning I was bracing myself for the news that ow was coming over and then bracing for a showdown at D17's party which would have felt that much worse to her against the backdrop of her Dad not caring enough to put her first.
« Last Edit: July 06, 2019, 11:40:13 PM by hopeandfaith »
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Keep it simple
« Reply #139 on: July 15, 2019, 09:13:42 AM »
Sorry you are still dealing with MLC cycle nonsense.

Happy your daughter is turning around. :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

 

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