When you let go...you are truly free

[Mrs.Smiling]

My Techy friends here. I would appreciate someone linking the old to the brand new.

This subject line is perfect for where I see myself today versus last year at this time. (3 weeks short of 1 year when H moved out)
I have come a very long way down a very dark and scary path. There were days I didn't know if I wanted to keep going and days where
I just got up and kept moving. I kept it together for months. I had my downfalls, I cried, I hit things, I ran, I stopped eating, I even lost my job, during the worst possible time of the year. It was the worst few months. Though I had been here before, (H moving out) I knew that this time it was going to be the last time he came back.

Quick recap - H's MLC started about 6 years ago now. H's dad passed at an early age, our S turned 18 and graduated HS. Life as I thought was going to get better as we moved on. However, H turned into a man I didn't even know. H had tantrums, put holes in my walls, drank all night, worked ungodly hours and yes started an affair with the OW who was in a completely different state and 11 years older than him. After many attempts to "Fix" what I thought was broken. I was able to confirm that the OW never went away as he told me. I received the ILYBINILWY speech numerous times. H had 4 come and go's. Every time moving out while I was either at work, or in the middle of the night. There were many nights he didn't come home at all. OW left her 25 yr marriage and 4 kids and moved to my state. H needed a mom and well he got one. Yes she is just as broken as he is. The final move out was February 8th, 2018 after 5 years of putting up with something I had no idea about. (MLC) I did my research and read all the time, each time he moved out i would read and he fell into the classification of the "Chaos kid". What a mess he is. After leaving the last time, a few months of personal therapy and gaining some light in my broken heart. I started letting go and moving on.

January 19th, 2019 - 3 weeks before the 1 year mark. I have a fantastic new job that I love. Great friends, great family and I've been actively in the gym and finishing my degree.
I've moved forward with getting my financials together and I hardly even talk to H. Unless its a necessity.
S is doing great, his girlfriend (that I've been learning to like lol) and him have been together a little over a year and S is working and in College.
After H's tantrum yet again, I received some what of an apology, but I hold it like I would hold a spider. S turned 22 last weekend and I saw H that morning. H told me he was going to text S and wish him a Happy Birthday on his next break.
After coming home that evening, I asked S if he heard from his dad. S told me yes.
Here is where my heart breaks for my S. H told him Happy bday, said that he doesn't ever want S to think he comes 2nd but he needed to watch the football game. S told him no worries. H then told him again, you don't come second, but the game was on and I didn't want to miss it. (You see where that old saying is "everything before the word "But" is bulls***".) I told S how sorry I was, that he doesn't ever come second to anything or anyone.
S told me "what a D*** move". I told him that was pretty rotten. However, his dad is in a place that we have no idea about. I would never excuse his behavior, I do know that your dad loves you very much. S told me, ya but he's a "d***". We moved on, I took him out for dinner with his girlfriend and my friend and we went to be kids and played some miniature golf.

How do you tell a kid with asperger's that? I'm still baffled.
So now we are on the vehicle thing. H came over the other day, brought S a bday present. (a week later)
I told H that he needed to find himself one and let me refinance this one. I didn't cause this and well, you wanted to leave your family. They are your choices, so now you need to figure it out. I was very nice, I smiled, I watched him. I came straight out and asked him why after 23 yrs of marriage do you not respond to my texts? H said I get them, I see them. I said and you don't respond why? He just kinda laughed and turned his back on me. Really?
He didn't stay long as he had OW's car and it's a short leash. So he left.

As for me - I have moved on, I can look at this man and know that he is not the man I married and honestly thank him for giving me the gift of being free. Without him leaving this last time, I would never have moved forward with where I am today, fixed the issues that I was struggling with and be powerful in my decisions and my choices in life. I am on the right path, I don't feel anything for H other than sadness and hope that someday he finds his way. I will always have a place in my heart for him. That will never change. Right now, it's just like that furry spider, I'll hold it in my hand for a second, but once you start making a move I don't like. I'll drop it and walk away. Strength, determination and love for myself and my future.

As for the D...ya, we sit and wait. Again.

Until the next round...Have Faith!

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10126.0

[Seahunt18]

I hope one day I can get to that place you are at!

I am truly happy for you!

[Sam I Am]

@ Sea - You will!

It took Mrs awhile but she has blossomed into a beautiful desert flower in the last year!

She had it rough for awhile too.  We all do and then someday something will click and the world gets brighter and brighter as you move forward too!

[Mrs.Smiling]

Ginormous hugs to you Sam!!

Sea- just keep coming here, post read journal, you just have to remember we have ALL been where you are!

[UrsaMajor]

Right now, it's just like that furry spider, I'll hold it in my hand for a second, but once you start making a move I don't like. I'll drop it and walk away.

Annnd here it is...

[Mrs.Smiling]

I would probably stomp on that one lol

[UrsaMajor]

I would probably stomp on that one lol

Awwwww..... It's just trying to say "Hello" and wave....   

[Whyus]

you Sound like your doing great mrs. Awesome, thats what I like to read.
As for the "but the game was on and I didn't want to miss it." Thats total BS and just, well hes a d!ck basically as S22 said.

Sea, hang in there fella, your time will come. One day this will all be just a distant Memory.

UM:- now that surely wasnt necessary, was it? Bad bear! This MLC BS is bad enough but Spiders too? Really dude?

[UrsaMajor]

UM:- now that surely wasnt necessary, was it? Bad bear! This MLC BS is bad enough but Spiders too? Really dude?

But.... but .... but.... SHE started it by talking about holding the furry spider!

ROFL

[Mrs.Smiling]

Thank you Whyus! It has been a challenge and I still have my ups and downs. I have moments where I stop myself and shake my head and look around me. I think wow, after one year this is where I am. I can walk with my head up, a little skip and dance in my feet and know that with faith and strength, it is possible to move forward and see a brand new path.
I have done so much change in me, mentally and physically. That it shows through in everything I do. Now, I can meet someone and know spot on to run like the d!ckens and don't go anywhere near that ball of furry mess. lol I've had one or two encounters such as that.
I have my projects going on in the garage again and my power tools have been replaced! So that is great news! (for me at least)
I've had contact with H the past few days (his doing) and have rushed off the phone with the ending of me telling him I'll call him another time. How things change!!

I hope that everyone keeps the faith, keeps strength and know that today is a brand new day. You can't change what happened yesterday, it is now a distant memory.
Hugs from across the way and big Smiles!!

UM - hahahaha Holding it? No way - lol Drop Stomp Squish and squish again!!

[UrsaMajor]

UM - hahahaha Holding it? No way - lol Drop Stomp Squish and squish again!!

Ah, I didn't realize that "holding the furry spider" was a euphemism for ... uhmmmmm ... NO! BAD BEAR! NOT gonna go there.... <snort>

[Sam I Am]

Sitting here giggling.  You two are funny!  You two should start a thread and banter back and forth for some comic relief to all us LBS.   Thanks for the chuckles this am.

[UrsaMajor]

Sitting here giggling.  You two are funny!  You two should start a thread and banter back and forth for some comic relief to all us LBS.   Thanks for the chuckles this am.

Actually Sam, it is 3 of us at least because WhyUs took me to task for posting the original spider GIF.... You are certainly welcome to join us though.. .Maybe we can fill up Mrs. Smilings current thread by the end of next week?

[Sam I Am]

Tempting and she is so busy she may not notice for another week!  LOL!

[Mrs.Smiling]

HAHAHA...I am here!

I think that's a challenge! I like challenges, sheesh I was married for 23 years! lol

As for Bad bear bad bear what do you see...oh wait isn't that brown bear brown bear....lol

[Sam I Am]

Number 15....only 135 to go. 

[Mrs.Smiling]

lol well let's see what UM has in him....

[UrsaMajor]

I see a Red Bird Looking at me.....

Yes, I have that book too..... D8 loved it.....

[Mrs.Smiling]

Good morning,

I just have a question or two that someone might be able to help me with.
I've heard from H this morning through text.
H told me that he didn't want me to have any "surprises" but wanted to let me know that he
filled out the "paperwork" at the courthouse and I should receive it saturday. That he paid the cost
for the both of us.? I didn't ask for the divorce. So how can he pay the cost for the both of us?

That he wanted me to just put in "What I want" and then sign it. (really) H tried to sound like he knows what he is doing.
But clearly he does not.
Doesn't a processor have to serve the papers to make it a legal document from a court?
I have a list of things that he is uaware of that comes with a 23 year marriage. Where do these get included in this
paperwork? Do I just attach them or what?

I'm chuckling inside...But on a serious note need to get my ducks in a row.
H doesn't surprise me anymore. This is just stuff I know needs to be done.
As I said to H in response to his text . "I'm glad you filled them out, however, I won't be signing anything until the lawyer sees it first.".
I'm a little smarter than he thinks - see, I know when to drop the spider and stomp!

Thanks for any answers!

[akjomsviking]

Hey Mrs. Smiling - I'm not a lawyer but I have recently been through a divorce.  I wouldn't get too stressed about it.  Just take whatever paperwork he gives you and bring it to a lawyer to look over it with you.  Something that people don't realize is that anyone can file anything with a court - it doesn't give it some kind of special significance just because it's been filed.

I suspect every state is different but in my state it only takes one spouse to file for divorce.  You both have to sign it for it to mean something and in my state you are still required to appear before a judge.  In my personal case we went with a dissolution so there were no lawyers involved other than a single session for each of us to have someone look over the paperwork.

[Mrs.Smiling]

I'm really not too concerned about it, just interested to see what he did to this time.its the 3rd time.
H has lost his marbles and after reading his text I realized he said courtyard not court house and something about a green piece of paper.  I don't know. But here when you file with the courts they have to pay a processor to serve you. Which he did not.
Cause as H says it's in the mail. Lol

[Mrs.Smiling]

What a day yesterday. Received the paperwork via certified mail. Now I know what green card he is talking about. Looked through them. I think he is out of his mind. Did not disclose anything when it came to retirement accounts. Said the mortgage payment would be considered spousal maintenance but for only 3 yrs. Is he serious? After 22 years of marriage? He didnt include anything in regards to our S and said after 3 years I'm to take over payments, if not then we sell.

I think he's crazy.

[OffRoad]

Yes, the green card is the proof the letter was delivered.  In my state, some things can be served by certified mail, and some cannot.

I'm glad you are in that wonderful place where you can look at his crazy proposal and just shake your head. A mortgage payment is not spousal maintenance.  That is quite funny! He doesn't get to choose what you spend your spousal maintenance on.

Sad you have to spend money on an attorney, but you need to protect yourself and your son. Raising kids is not cheap.

The best of luck to you!

[UrsaMajor]

Well Mrs. Smiling,

I think......

[Thunder]

Good grief Mrs. Smiling, he really doesn't know what he is doing, does he?

No you don't take a mortgage payment for Spousal.     Geez

The amount of time he has to pay Spousal Maintenance goes according to a few factors.
Your age, your ability to work, length of marriage (yours is long term) and the difference between your income and his.

Well let a L figure it out.

[Mrs.Smiling]

Thanks UM...that's funny. I'm not too sure about H and these papers. Though they have been filed. Which is fine. However, this world of MLC is crazy.
H and I stood outside of his work for an hour Sunday and talked. Just talked, joked around, laughed and he even mentioned things about when we were first "Dating". Weird. But it was actually really nice to have a conversation with him and walk away feeling fine.

H did tell me that he was doing what the people at the Courts told him to do. That was why he said for me to fill in whatever I wanted. I said okay. That was understandable. I know he really doesn't understand. Thank god for people in my world that do know a little something.

H wants to get a few of the bills paid off and asked if we wanted to pay it down the middle weekly. We can tackle one at a time and get them paid off.
I agreed 100%. He even handed over his portion of money for one bill and only asked that I send him a picture of the balance after it was paid.

We talked about the spousal maintenance and he responded with well how long do I have to pay this. I said as long as they say or what we come up with.
But we've been married for 23 years. I then said to him, I don't by any means want to bring this up, but you have to remember that the person you live with came from money. She divorced him, moved here and sits on her butt all day just like she has for 25 years. She gets a substantial amount of money a month that she doesn't have to work and that will more than likely continue till she gets married or dies. H disagreed. I said oh, you have got to look at people for who they are. She is a liar. You of all people should know that. She, just like you will tell anyone anything. People are going to snow you just to get what they want. H didn't say a word.

We moved on. Talked a bit more, laughed and joked about the divorce. Agreed that we both don't want it to interfere in our jobs.
H then tells me that he feels like he has no money because of what he is paying out. I said well, unfortunately this is the consequence of actions.
H told me that he wants to be on his own. I said I wanted that for him too. That being on his own and independent would do him good. We talked money again, I said well, what's your time frame to get your own place? H's response? "As soon as possible"....uh oh problems in fantasy land?
That's too bad.

H actually walked next to me and hugged me goodbye.
This morning I filled out the response paper work sent him the list of "Wants" and made sure that everything was filled out correctly.
I talked to the Lawyer this morning and will be meeting with her next Monday.
Thunder - the lawyer chuckled as well when i told her what he put down. She said to me, I don't think so, it doesn't work that way.
My hope after all of this is to be friends with him. S deserves to have some part of his dad in his life.

18 days and counting before Response needs to be in.

Strength and Faith in God...

Until the next round.....

[Sam I Am]

thinking of you!  You are handling all of this so well!

[Shining Star]

I enjoyed reading your update.  Your comment about what your H said to S about "not being second" made me smile.  My ex-H told my daughter that he would have "fond" memories of her if she died.  Not that he would miss her or I would be destroyed, etc.  It was ridiculous.  She said to me "what a weirdo - who says that to your daughter."  You didn't ask for advice, but he can only divorce you once.  Make sure you list every single item - be extra inclusive.  I left out two items that he has now changed his mind over.  One is buying me a new car.  He went from - I will buy you a car, I don't remember saying I would buy you a car, I now remember saying that I would buy you a car, but I have given you enough money for you to buy your own car.  I should have been smarter, so that is my recommendation.  Trust nothing that comes out of his mouth - have it all in the documents.  Glad you sound as if you have gotten down the road from the worst of it.  I am about 7 months divorced and still finding my way.  It is nice to hear that it does get better.....   

[Mrs.Smiling]

Thanks Sam! I was looking over the paperwork and realized I have till February 14th to send my response in. Well, Happy Valentines Day to me! lol
I think my only concern right now is H lying on his financial statement. Since it's pretty cut and dry on my end. (and I don't lie lol)
I know that OW is going to forge something to show what he "might" be paying. However, I know that what he is paying her isn't in the form of money.
(insert little emoji throwing up)

OW has a big surprise coming to her once he gets the vehicle and leaves. H told me that he has been looking at apartments around his work too. I would love to be a fly on the wall! Karma...it comes in all different shapes doesn't it. But as always I'll continue with growing, getting this divorce and finally having something in writing to where I know I don't need to be nice anymore (just kidding! I'm always nice). I think that's what is holding me back from really saying anything that I want to.

I have the appointment with the L on Monday. I'll bring all the paperwork in. I've been texting H "reminding" him that I have the forms for taxes, the different statements etc etc. As usual though, silence! It's really not that hard to respond ya know. What a turd!

Sam - I am no longer stepping quietly, what's that saying "I am woman hear me roar". lol I now stomp, I don't put up with anything from anyone in the form of mlc crazy or just crazy in general. I'm enjoying my discovery of me and realizing I'm pretty handy around my house.
I don't want to screw him out of anything, I just want my house. A house he continues to tell me that he wants me to have.
I know I can do this, even if I have to retain the lawyer in the end.

Shining star - It does get better. Separated but not divorced yet (even though it's just like being divorced) is great on my end. I do have many friends that I continue to see, but my biggest accomplishment was to get out of my vehicle one day and walk into the gym. Though I have lost 135 pds since all this started. It was time to get into the gym and do what I love to do the most. Run and box. I now go 5 days out of 7 and have cut my run time down to 2 miles in 25 minutes. I have an ample amount of support from here and HS.

I hope that everyone has a good day. I'll check in with you Sam today!

[Whyus]

Your sounding great Mrs. You make sure that you get all that you deserve out of the D.
Show no mercy, mercy is for the weak 
Lots on HS have been served lately, must be the time of year  !

[gman242]

I agree with Whyus, it's a real point of change when you discover your own worth! Keep it up my good lady!

[Mrs.Smiling]

Yay!

Well, I've text H letting him know that I received more tax forms. Interesting that he goes silent. We agreed this would be the last year
we filed together. Hopefully (oie) he sticks with what he said. Ya I know what you are thinking lol.

This L is expensive retainer is $6500. I'm not sure I'll go with her, but I need someone who is going to help me since I'm doing this on my own.
It's a little intimidating at times. If I can't afford this lawyer, can't i put in that he pays my lawyer costs?

Spent 4 hours last night working on homework to realize that I was working on the wrong assignment. Nice huh..Ya I chuckled
at myself too. So tonight I will actually do the right assignment. But hey at least next week's is done!

Skipped the gym tonight. S is off on campus and hanging with friends. Peaceful home. So me and my 4 legged crazy are going to sit back and enjoy the peace.

Whyus - Thank you, encouragement goes a long way.
Gman - Thank you!! So much going on it's amazing I've held it all together this long!

What doesn't kill ya just makes ya stronger right.

Until the next round...

[Anon]

But as always I'll continue with growing, getting this divorce and finally having something in writing to where I know I don't need to be nice anymore (just kidding! I'm always nice). I think that's what is holding me back from really saying anything that I want to.

I relate so well to this I could have written it myself.  After the divorce, it's not like I will be nasty but I will no longer have to play nice so he cooperates with our uncontested divorce.  We won't have to hire lawyers as long as we are in agreement.   I just don't want him challenging any of the terms in the prenup because then it gets messy.   Playing nice helps with that goal.   

Like I said, I wouldn't be nasty but I wouldn't be quite as nice as I've been pretending.  I won't hold back saying anything I want to after the divorce either.  Like 'get out of my life, and stay out',,, for starters.

[Mrs.Smiling]

Hi all,

Today I go and meet with this L to go through all the paperwork. Then down to the court to file my response. I don't do deadlines. I think
that only having 20 days to prepare a response after 23 years is just not enough time in my book. I mean throw in working full time and
school. I just don't agree. I feel like i'm missing something. But hopefully I'll get everything together for today. There is just too much history.
Most of the stuff we've already agreed upon. We started paying off the 2 credit cards we have. H is coming over Thursday so we can file taxes.
Then to talk about getting my name off the loan for the truck. Unfortunately, dealerships will not let you purchase a vehicle if you have a loan
out already, without a cosigner. I don't agree with that. But okay.

Anon - I'm hoping to understand the whole process today. I know that I need to file. So far we are in agreement to everything, so playing nice is always a good thing. I don't mind talking to H. I don't mind seeing him either. We are actually pretty good friends. So the more I smile and put on the charm, the more the guilt comes out in him and he doesn't argue with what I want. H is a good man when he isn't drinking, when he isn't around OW and when he is in his own element. (WORK). lol


It's a beautiful morning, I have the strength and I'm worth more than what is in those Divorce papers.
All of you are!

Until the next round!

Smiles!

[Whyus]

then good luck 

[Thunder]

Mrs, S,

Just keep in mind, if you two are in agreement with most things, it's possible you may get some of that retainer back if he does use it all.   

Another reason for playing nice (if possible).

[Mrs.Smiling]

Well the appointment didn't go as I thought it would. Useful information, however, uncovered something that I didn't (or realize) was sitting out there.
I'm still trying to process everything. The divorce papers that he filed say two different things in two different spots and don't make any sense at all.


I have to really figure out how to go about all of it. I know that I have to file a response. Which I will do.
Then of course those wonderful 60 days, but if we come to agreement within the 60 days, we can file a consent decree and file that.
So I'll continue to play nice. I was unaware of a lot of things that have changed over time.

I just have to figure out what's in the best interest of Me and S. Which is marked by a deadline of 20 days.
Tonight my brain is spinning, my emotions are in check, but just the process of it all really weighs heavily.

Until the next round....

[UrsaMajor]

Ah yes... Finding out what has been going on behind the scenes is always SO much fun... or not.

You have your priorities right though - What is best for you and S. STBXH's choices mean that he gets to deal with / live with the consequences so it is his problem - It's now just business....

[Mrs.Smiling]

 I'm usually really level headed about things and always want to do the right thing. Unfortunately what was found is not in favor of me and S.

Just trying to work through this and see. Again it's that looming 20 days.

[Mrs.Smiling]

Heavy head today. I thought when he left was bad. It's like I can never find that "right answer". I search and I read and
I do what I need to do. But the confusion of it all still sits and stews. Questions I have are just small. But can never find
the right person to answer them. Or answer them to my satisfaction of settling my mind.

I feel like there are a ton of bricks on my shoulders.

[Mrs.Smiling]

Hello!

Well the time has come that I get to go to court and file my response. I've gone over it a million times and still think I'm missing something.
The only thing I can do is file in the allotted time and then we agreed to go over everything, agree and then file the consent decree at 60 days.

I think after 7 years I'm all done. I just want to move forward in a positive manner and enjoy the rest of my life. Whatever path I might choose.
So my nerves and anxiety are a little high but I know I'll be okay.

I have great friends and great support. H and I saw each other today. We chatted and then he went into work.
I wish he was more involved with S. But that's something I can not fix. I can just love S the best I know and continue
being here for him.

I hope all is well. Hugs to all around the globe.
Keep the faith.

Until the next round...

[gman242]

That's why I got a lawyer.. I just felt it was so much easier having them deal with it and a large part of that was because I knew a lot of W's info is / was bogus.

I felt the same way too, even with the tax returns this year, it hurt like BD and her leaving. Just how easily she could not care, not about me even, but S. Just to keep stacking the deck in her favor over and over. I hit a point and a light went off. I was just like.. nope. Screw you. I'm done waiting on her to be kind to me or treat me fairly. She laid in bed for 5 years after her mom died and I got absolutely jack and Schmidt for being a good, devoted husband. It's her life, her issues.. she can deal with it.

It's really hard, but I've taken extreme joy in taking what's mine. I guess I was always afraid of being unkind, especially since my dad was such an egotistical selfish person. But I hold myself to a high standard and at the same time, what I earned is what I keeps.

You just need to see how much effort you're put into yourself and your S and that you should have that protected and maintained. I'm at the point now where I want zero to do with W, so that she has no say or strings over me and S. One year to go until he's 18.. I dunno, I just found when I'm in charge, people are happy, things get done and life moves on. I will always love W, but that doesn't mean that I want my life upset by her BS anymore..

hope all turned out well hang in there and stay strong!

[Mrs.Smiling]

Everything is filed. Stamped by the county clerk and I'll certify mail it tomorrow.
You are right gman, I do feel a lot better after filing everything. I even contemplated not sending in my list of what I want.
But realized he is only out for himself yet again.

60 days....I know I have to start thinking practical when it comes to surviving. So lowering a few of my standards right now
is probably going to be more beneficial. Even though I don't think I should have to. After 23 years. But you are right i'm all done
with his BS.

Tonight I relax, have a quiet dinner and wait for S to be home. Maybe I'll watch a movie.
I just keep thinking positive and moving forward. It's all I can do.
As you gman, I will always love him. But after his dad died, he lost his mind. I'll love him from a far and hope the best for him.

Until the next round...

[Treasur]

Mrs S, I think you've hit your marvellous detached LBS sweet spot now...it's not quite Meh but it's a moment of Enough...I love you...but take your s&it away from my door now. Just like gman says, tired of the crazy BS and prefer life without it.
It's a rather nice spot isn't it?
As you say "he lost his mind, I'll love him from afar and hope the best for him". Plus I'd suggest a good dose of 'and even more of the best for me as I've actually done the hard work to get here'
Almost exactly the words I would use about my xh too.

[Sam I Am]

Glad you are still smiling and you bounced back from a frustrating time!  Keep moving forward!

[Mrs.Smiling]

Hi all.
Thanks Sam, I am definitely stronger each day.
H only contacts me when it benefits himself. Still selfish but right now I just want taxes filed and a consent decree done and it to be finalized.
I'm worth a lot more than the way he treats me and so is S. Karma will hit slowly. It already has in some ways. His marbles are in the wrong line right now.
I'm just tired of it all and want to live peacefully. If I have to play nice than that's what I will do till the last day.
Tomorrow is Valentines and 1 year ago he walked out. So we've been in this now for almost 8 years.
If my calculations are right.

So I wish everyone A Happy Valentines day, if i could i would have everybody here that way nobody has to go through it alone!

Until the next round!
Keep the faith

[Mrs.Smiling]

Good Sunday morning! I'm trying to figure out where Saturday went, it seems i was on the move since 4am .

Went up to get H to put his signature on a few things, he was outside on his phone. Motioned what I needed and he just shook his head. As I turned around he had walked clear across the sidewalk so I didn't hear his secret conversation lol. Possible 2nd OW?
He moaned and groaned about the vehicle as usual . Claiming he worked 9 hours and had to walk 2 hours to get home. Because OW was looking for a job. What? At 6 in the evening ? Oh ok. Lies...
H said hello to S. I told him this vehicle thing needs to be taken care of. H told me to go get something  and he would cosign..
Um, no. So my friend and I spent the rest of the day looking for something that is practical and affordable. I was surprised I found something. But by myself without H I bought it. Yay for me. Now S and I can hit Disneyland soon!
Now to tell H to come pick up this one. I can't stand to be in his presence longer than a few minutes.
Funny how things change.

I am excellent today, I had skipped the gym yesterday,  so I was back at it today. I love that time by myself.
Then it's back to my projects.
One goal completed, the vehicle. Now taxes and the final consent decree.
Then I can pretty much stop holding my tongue, I'll always be nice, that's in my nature. I just don't have it in me to hurt others.
Kindness goes a long way! But I will enjoy not having to listen to his lies. Still feel bad for S. But that time will come too. Karma, its coming.
A wonderful Sunday to all!
Hugs around the globe!

[Mrs.Smiling]

Hi all!

It's been a few weeks since I have been here. I have vacation rounding the corner and with the place up north now, I'm packing up and heading out this weekend. We went and played in the snow 2 weeks ago. S's first time seeing it. It was amazing. It was such a nice get away.
Things are progressing slowly. H and I are getting along and had a nice discussion last week before he went on vacation. H explained to me that it's all new to him, that he is learning how to do things since he has never had to take care of anything in 20 years. I guess I can be proud of his progress when it comes to being an adult and being responsible. That's about all I am proud of. I'm glad that he is growing up. Slowly.
I'm just living my life the best way I know how.

My first step was to let go of things I could not control. Yet another change in my life. Having to give up a vehicle. I know it might be monetary for some. But just the meer thought of OW in my vehicle made me cringe. I know that what I'm doing by buying a new vehicle will just benefit me in the long run.
I hope. I know I had to be practical instead of whiny.

Change is never fun. But we go through it and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. At this point I should be as strong as the Hulk.
S and I had a good talk tonight. We talked about choices and the journey we are on through out our lives. I explained to him even at his young age, he is not in control of other people's happiness. It's not his job to fix anyone. His concern is his future and finding the right path for him and not anyone else.
We discussed true love. He didn't understand how I could say H was the true love of my life ( I can say that because it's actually true) and call him an a** at the same time. I explained to him his behavior and the disrespect is where he can be an a** , but it doesn't mean that he isn't and always has been the true love of my life. Even if the love I have for him now is different than what I once shared with him.

I told S that it was not my responsibility to fix things between him and his dad. That would come in time when S was ready. But to understand that it takes two to build a relationship. If S was not ready, it was okay.

As for me, I'm okay, work, school, and my new business now keeps me busy. I'm moving forward and enjoying every brand new day that is given to me.

Enjoy the day today, remember 365 days 365 new chances.
Keep the Faith.

[Sam I Am]

Wow...awesome that you and your son are close so that you can prepare him for life.  Hopefully, MLC stops with your H!

Sorry...been away awhile and just catching up!

[Mrs.Smiling]

 Hi all, Sam totally okay. Lives get busier once we focus on what's important. Which is ourselves.
I've started reading new books, not so much self help books but books to help me gain knowledge on everything from toxic people to paving the way. I am an extremely positive person and always want the best for others, however, I still need to focus on me and my journey.
I changed out all the pictures on my walls. It took me a year to get rid of the last one which was me H and S at S graduation. It was time. I put up fresh brand new pictures of our adventures the past month with the peace up North.

As for H, well not much change, he has shown a bit of the old H I remember through text. Has even responded to a text or two from me. H even said that he hoped that S and I had a really good time up north.
H called me yesterday, but I didnt answer since I was in the middle of a 12 hour day midterm I was trying to complete. I did text and tell him Sorry i missed your call hope all is good.
I no longer battle the stage and play in my head that has circled for months. Each quiet moment thoughts seem to go acting out what i would say to him if it meant there would be no backlash. I know that wont happen. So I've worked hard at filling the space with positive thoughts and where my own journey is going to lead me I hope.
Every day is a new chance to make it how I want.
Vacation has come to a close for me. I'm glad to go back to work.

Hope everyone finds strength in their own journey.
Life does get better even when you're living through your spouses MLC.

Keep the faith
365 new days 365 new and wonderful chances!

Until the next....

[Mrs.Smiling]

Hi all, It's been awhile since I've been here. I had a free moment and wanted to send out my wishes that everyone is doing ok.
I'll just do a quick update, as I have a lot of homework pending.

S and I escape every other weekend up North. It is absolutely wonderful. We had a ton of friends and family up there. Loved every moment
of it. I however was a little under the weather, but still enjoyed everyone. S wants to permanently move now. S is good, college and work.

H is back cycling again. I read my last post where he was actually responding to me and we are back to silence again. Our consent decree was filed
today with the courts. So now we wait 2 weeks or so for the judge to sign off on it and we are then divorced. Surprisingly I am doing okay. I remain
positive with a lot of faith and continue to hope the best. Even for H.
Our last encounter was not exactly nice. H was in his mood of "poor me" and that he is only out to make everyone happy etc etc.
We were to sign the paperwork and this was the second time that I drove out there to get it done. We were talking normally and I said to H lets just get it signed so we can be done. Well he had a minor tantrum and as i turned around to walk he pushed me from behind and barked out "lets go". I stopped for a second and said do not push me. H tossed his information at the notary. Signed and walked away. The notary just looked at me and said he has a lot of anger just the way he approached her. She told me I was "better off" without that mess.
I was still upset way into the night and the fact he put his hands on me and let the emotions of what he did run through me. I've taken many deep breaths. Just amazed that this is what it has come to.

I continue to have faith in myself and in my journey. I know that I am a much better person now and know exactly what I will no longer tolerate.

I just want to move on. Smile and see others around me smile. I know that I am a good person, it just really sucks when someone that you know treats you less than who you have been for so many years. My heart is heavy and my thoughts run a lot lately. But I know that it's just a moment. This too shall pass.

Karma...It happens.

I hope all is okay with others.
Have Faith all.

Until the next round.....

[Mrs.Smiling]

Good morning,

I hope everyone is doing as best as they can.
There isn't much to report as I have continued to move on. H stopped by last night to finally sign tax papers. I keep forgetting that it's not my time that we are dealing with, it's his. We had a general conversation. He bugged me. Not sure why this time. Maybe it was because of that pompas attitude that he carries that "everything is just fine". Or the fact that he said he was no longer living in the past. Yet looks like he is 16. H went to some venue concert and I'm all about music. But he showed me this picture and I just looked at it like, oh ya, 16 yrs old. As he was flipping the bird in it.
H told me that he filed for divorce because he is selfish and it was time he thought about himself.
I said maybe you should have stuck with counseling, as it does show it helps. H told me that it wouldn't have helped him. He doesn't live in the past anymore.
He went to see S who was in the back room. A whole 2 minutes with S after not seeing him for a month. What a guy.

It always takes me days to recover after one of his visits. Where I question everything.
I don't understand how they can act out such a play of this "life" they believe is wonderful.

Oh well...
Have a great day all.
Hugs across the world.
Keep the faith

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Well he had a minor tantrum and as i turned around to walk he pushed me from behind and barked out "lets go".

I am so sorry. No one has the right the right to put their hands on you in anger.

H told me that it wouldn't have helped him. He doesn't live in the past anymore.

Yet you dress like a teenager. Hmmm. Still trying to resolve issues from your past. Actions do speak louder than words.

He went to see S who was in the back room. A whole 2 minutes with S after not seeing him for a month. What a guy.

Once again, he's not a man- he's a little boy.

I feel sorry that his contacts with you are so troubling. Focus instead on the things that you do control. Your own state of mind, your interactions with your son, your life- that allows him to go on his journey.

Acorn wrote: Healing is a journey of one. Both of you need to heal.

((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))

Ready

[gman242]

But he showed me this picture and I just looked at it like, oh ya, 16 yrs old. As he was flipping the bird in it.

a couple years ago, W was chatting it up with S's scoutmaster and she had sent him pics of her and OM at a football game doing the same thing.. flipping the bird and giving that IDGAF sticking my tongue out face. All I can say is hope you're happy and destroying everyone's life was worth it. You two cheating low lifes deserve each other.

It really is a gift though.. you, we, us now have the chance to make our life the way we want it and I guarantee we're seeing and doing through much clearer eyes.

[Treasur]

And this is the benefit of contact bc it shows us what they are now and how their magic happy has not restored them to being a sane adult or parent.
And this is why limited contact becomes a great choice for many LBS isn't it?

We see that they simply bring nothing useful or good to our table I think.
Press on, Mrs S, on the sane side of the street 

[Mrs.Smiling]

I still just sit there and look at him telling me he doesnt lvive in the past anymore. Only thing matters is now and moving on. I dont know if I believe what he says. Or if this really is all part of the mlc. I said to him if he never works through his past he will remain running. That's when he told me that he doesnt live in the past.
Takes a few days to get back on my path after visiting him. Maybe it's a dark thing of still wanting to fix the problem. Who knows.

[Treasur]

I think all MLCers must get 'moving on' tattooed on their body somewhere....
Part of your feeling is bc they are bonkers, Mrs S, and exposure to bonkers is always unsettling.

[Mrs.Smiling]

Divorce papers came today. It's final. 23 yrs of marriage done.
Not sure where my head is.
Just not sure.

[Disillusioned]

I'm sorry that you are hurting right now.  We're all here for you.

[Treasur]

I'm sorry, Mrs S. it is a cold hard thing to process.
Others here reminded me of two things.
That MLC trumps divorce and will not magically fix your h....nor prevent him wanting to reconcile down the road if thatbis what happens....but many MLCers do believe 'moving on' and feeling better needs them to burn every bridge.
That in a funny way, life often gets easier for the LBS when the divorce stuff is over. It doesn't change how we feel perhaps, but it gives us a freedom from legal stuff, less uncertainty and the ability to engage with the MLC rollercoaster or not entirely as we wish.
But I am sorry bc it was never what any of us wanted and it takes time to work out how we feel about it when it happens. And truthfully, it does happen to many of us here.

[Mrs.Smiling]

I was ok. It just hit me once I stopped moving.
Havent stopped crying as I just got up and started again. If you remember what that moment first felt like when they left. That's where I feel I went back to. I haven't even begun to get ready for work as I feel like I'm frozen back in another time.
Head and heart is very heavy.

[Mrs.Smiling]

Good morning!
365 new days 365 new chances.
I am much better. I have heard from exh a multiple of times with phone calls since the divorce was final. Grasshopper believed that the spousal maintenance would be what he determined that week or what he wanted to give and on top of that directing me where to use it. As in paying a credit card bill or paying his insurance. After reading this from him. I couldnt help but SMH and think are you delirious? I asked him in text if he was aware our divorce was final. That according to the judge this is what you get to pay and no it doesnt go towards your share of the bills. SM is income for me, to live on. He continued to respond and then started to spew out all his anger in text. I kindly said, this is what you owe . You can drop it off or mail it and until you can speak to me with respect please do not text/call me while I'm working and treat me in this manner. Clearly he is so far gone, I dont even think a tractor could pull him out.
I have cleared my head, realized my self worth and value and know that my life and my choices are no longer determined by what he says.
I'll be just fine. I'm strong and determined to make my life just the way I intend it to be.
Hugs!

[Treasur]

Ah, Mrs S...the universe just showed you that MLCness trumps divorce which is a bit of a useful gift imho. 
His POV? Ridiculous.
Your response? Perfect.
Right now, you have more to gain from the legal and financial freedom from an MLC man. They just bring nothing good to the table, so you are now free to choose where to pitch your own table and how far away you want to be as you say.
You are doing just fine. It is a big change but honestly the marriage (or the bit that mattered) WAS blown up at BD and the residue makes it harder to detach. Or that is what I found. And the future? Who knows...but your future is in safer saner hands now that your MLC h is no longer involved.

[Mrs.Smiling]

Thank you Treasur, I do agree with you about the financial and legal freedom. I know that in time I will do the right thing by me and not by what he dictates. Freedom is a word that means so many other things. Case in point - I went out last night and was having an excellent time. My phone vibrates and it's  Grasshopper. Wanting to know if i was home and then Texting me saying he needs a place to stay. Okay yes my brain went on freeze. What? So i said to him, I'm not home, i'm out right now, but if you need a place to stay that's fine. I'll meet you there. Well, I wasn't about to stop my evening just because he was in my driveway. It doesn't work that way. So I told him I'd be on my way in a bit. He text me again wanting to know if i was on my way. He was going to leave. Like this mattered at all to me. He then calls me and starts telling me what a nice guy he is. That he is a nice guy to everyone. Honestly I can't even remember the rest of what he said. I just told him I'd be there in a bit. I got to the house and of course he wasn't here.
Nor responds to my text. Freedom, freedom from being at someone else's beck and call....Weird? VERY!

[UrsaMajor]

Uh.... Your divorce is final...

And he calls YOU 3 days later because HE needs a place to stay?


If there was EVER a better-fitting case for "Not my circus, not my monkeys, not my problem" I have yet to see it....

"I hear the bridge on 32nd street is pretty nice this time of year... "

Treasur called it there... MLC trumps D ... I'm thinking that he hasn't quite grasped the concept of what D actually means... That mean old Mr. Reality is quite the Buzz killer...

[Mrs.Smiling]

Hi All, It seems it has been some time since I've been here. Thought I would come by update, or maybe vent as there is so much
going on currently. When you think your marriage is done and the divorce is final. It truly is not. Any little string to hold on to, that MLC'er
aka grasshopper will grasp tightly.
Our divorce came final mid April. I started to see a pattern of things happening around events through out the year, christmas, valentines, my birthday etc. So every time a holiday or special occasion came rolling around. I would be hit with something else from grasshopper. Well, It was the day before mother's day and here comes the mail (there are reasons now, why i don't get my mail lol) An envelope that looked just like the others was there. The only thing I could think of was, great what has he done now. Grasshopper decided to go seek out a lawyer and play victim. I received a novel from some lawyer stating that grasshopper petitioned the courts to "set aside and vacate the consent decree". Yep, not even a month divorced and boom!
So of course I had only days to respond to this. Just as soon as i get my savings up, I had to go pull it all out to give to a lawyer. H is claiming that he had no idea about me coming and getting the paperwork signed. His lawyer was really good at making H look like this sad victim. Unfortunately for H, I had every test message and email that was between us. I know that OW put him up to this. They are all nasty people. So once my response was sent in with all the evidence, H decided to then file again, this time "Notice of strict compliance". Basically the judge can only look at the evidence pertaining to the reason for his petition. He is claiming that he had no idea that he signed a QCD. Even though all of our conversations and agreements in writing pertained to this consent decree. It's ALL in writing. My lawyer said, what he all of a sudden realized he got a divorce and wants to change everything? It doesn't work that way. Everything was signed. He doesn't get a "do over" because he changed his mind. Now we wait...H has now decided to pay spousal when he wants. Not by what the court/judge ordered. Which of course is contempt of court. If i wanted to be mean, I could just get him for that. Unfortunately, I'm not a mean person. I'm way too nice. However, I did go to court and file an IWO. This way when his employer gets it, he no longer has the choice of when he wants to pay. It's all about control. That's what he is seeking. Something to hold over my head. It doesn't work that way.
H does not talk to me, does not respond to messages. I havent spoke to H since a few days after the divorce came final in April.
Welcome to a world of complete chaos with an MLC'er. I prefer to live peacefully. So now everything is just done through my lawyer.

S is doing okay, very frustrated with H. I decided not to say anything to S about father's day. He is 22 and I shouldn't have to remind him to wish H a happy father's day. So I let it go. About 9:30pm I just kinda said hey did you wish your dad a Happy your a dad day? S told me no and said, I know it's father's day. I didn't forget. I'll text him later. I just let him go.

For me, I'm currently on vacation, 8 days left. I'd rather be working!
No dating life, no Mr. in my life. I've decided to keep focusing on my growth, my journey and have fun doing it. I'm never here on the weekends as we head north as much as possible. I'm currently looking for more property up there. I now know where I'll be retiring. When that time comes.

All I can do is sit, shake my head and continue to be the change I wish to see in others. There is nothing but love for others, kindness and compassion as they go through their storms. I've learned a lot. I would never want to add to H's pain. He is fighting to stay out of He**. But I think he's already there and can't get out. Continue to show them all love. You will see in the end the rewards of sticking with what you truly believe in.

Hugs around the globe.

[UrsaMajor]

Sounds like Grasshopper has been doused with a can full of Raid.... and doesn't like it...


Like I said in my last post... Mean old Mr. Reality is a REAL buzzkiller...

I'm guessing that, if xH looses the court cases, he will have to pony up the Court and Legal Fees? If not, he should be required to do so. Otherwise, he'll just keep playing this game... Sounds a bit like Savvy's xH actually...

[Mrs.Smiling]

 Yes, my lawyer included in the response for H to pay my legal fees for this "frivolous" attempt. I'm blown away by how his perception of our marriage was totally turned into what he can only believe was bad.
I am no longer the doormat. Maybe he will see that.
You also have to remember in all court documents it states "I am not under coercion, I am at my free will" when it comes to signing.

Hmm...he had 10 days to respond or as my lawyer says "have the last word". He didnt respond. Just the notice of strict compliance. I guess all the evidence turned in showed just that. He knew what he was doing.

[Sam I Am]

Mrs....so sorry to hear about all your issues. 

So glad you are looking for "northern" properties.  I love that area and could move there in a heart beat! 

Keep taking care of you and son!  Maybe I can see you on my next visit!   Sam

[Mrs.Smiling]

I believe today is one of "those" days. Where your mind takes over and you can't get motivated to do anything but sit and think
about all the things that have happened over time. All the things that have happened with the spouse. Or ex in my case. I'm struggling
today with the silence by exh. The attempts to play victim with his L. The NC with his S. The way our family was before MLC hit him like a
sledge hammer. The last time exh did this vanishing, he made the comment to me that he knew i would come and see him. Like he was testing how
much I really cared about him.
My emotions are all over the place today. The back and forth of caring for him and wanting to punch him. The growth that I have achieved over all of this and the realization that in part (without the affair) exH needed to grow up and I was just enabling him here. I just wish he didn't involve someone worse than the way he was behaving. But again, that's why it's an affair down.
I'm sure I will be fine, but it's nice to be able to come somewhere and vent exactly how you feel.

Still waiting on the judge to finalize the petition exh filed against me. Hoping the Judge sees that Exh is lying through everything i gave them.
Had to file an IWO (income w/h order) against exh since he decided to go ahead and pay when he wanted to not what the judge ordered. Still waiting on that.

I'm quite honest with myself about exh. I know that in my heart I miss him. I miss my family, I miss our family dinners, I miss sitting with exh and watching a movie together or going to dinner together. It doesn't matter the dates you go on. You are always looking to see if that person that sits across from you has any glimmer of what your exh used to be like, again before MLC. I think that's what turns me away from dating. From getting involved with anyone. Because I still hold all the love in the world for him.
I don't want to simply replace exh for convenience of being with someone, or someone caring for me. I'd much rather have exh get out of this hole, this tunnel, and run.
Little tiny stressors that surround my world and my head. I have a long time friend who always seems ot say the right things. He told me last that I have the power to live my life the way I want and still show kindness and compassion to exh. To never kick a man when he is down. That exh is trapped in his chaotic mind and trapped by ever being able to leave evil gramma.
Looking back at all of this, It's been 8 years since BD. 1.5 yrs separated and not even 2 months divorced.
Here's the weird side -
Joint bank account still open.
ExH still has it linked to his direct deposit (though only a penny is dropped in it)
ExH still won't refinance vehicle to get my name off of loan.
Insurance is under both names for vehicles. (exh says its cheaper)
Exh has me listed as beneficiary for all. Still.

What does that say?

All of this reminds me of an AA meeting -
Hi, my name is Mrs. Smiling and I have an MLC exh.

mmhmm...

Sam - I so wanted to see you! Thinking of everyone going through this.
Strength is power!

Have Faith

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Yes, my lawyer included in the response for H to pay my legal fees for this "frivolous" attempt.

I am not a lawyer but yours did exactly what I would have asked for. Your H thinks he can fool the court or play the victim. It isn't that easy. Before the judge signs off on the settlement, they carefully read to make sure that it is fair. Our judge sent it back because of a misplaced comma.

Your h had an attorney and was represented in the case and so were you. You both agreed and signed the document. In the Judge's eye, you ex wants to break a contract that he legally entered. In the judge's eyes, it is like he plead guilty and took the plea deal and now a month in jail wants to plead not guilty and start over.

This isn't going to happen and your ex is going to have a wake up call.

Don't give in and stand strong for yourself. He will walk all over you and not bat an eye. I am sorry for your loss, but the man that parades around in the Edgar suit isn't the man you married. He is a bug!

((((Hugs))))

Ready

[Mrs.Smiling]

Because exh is so unpredictable, I went back and forth on whether or not to file the income withholding, but realized that once again this was my life and my future I needed to protect, as well that I have S22 at home who with asperger's might be with me for quite some time. Without any help from exh.
The tiny amount of spousal merrily covers the little expenses that might come up and in no way helps with our S. Though S has a job, it's not much that helps S maintain his living expenses.
I know that there will be a huge wake up call once he gets wind of the petition along with a lot of anger. I've prepared myself for it. Some what.
I am tired I know that, I am mentally exhausted over all of this. For someone who made his choices, it seems that I am the one who is getting the burnt end of the stick.
ExH keeps trying to knock me down and make sure that he points out I'm the bad one. When truly I'm not. I am hoping some day when he wakes up he will see what his behavior and choices did to this family. That in the end, I was not the enemy, but the one that stood by his side through everything because that is kindness and compassion. One day....maybe.

[Tyks]

I miss all of those things too, Mrs s

Tomorrow is another day

[Sam I Am]

Mrs:  You are not the enemy.  An enemy wouldn't stuck beside him and his back and forthing for as long as you did. 

Your not giving up on him...just protecting what is yours to protect.  Let the OW get word of it and let her rant.  You can handle H....the question is...how long can he continue with the OW and her ranting and driving him to do things!  He is gonna break one day.  Just keep taking care of you!

[Mrs.Smiling]

I'm baffled by the things that he still has attached in both our names. Yet the silence.
The calm before the storm.
It seems every time I shut my eyes I end up having some dream about him. Vivid dreams but he's angry in each one. This last one was me finding a favorite shirt of his and opening a curtain and the he was sitting, I asked why he was there and he responded that I was supposed to meet him at the store. I told him oh I thought we were going to the store.
Just weird dreams. But he's always in them.
Im trying to find my zen, I'm trying to stop monkey braining, but ive been doing a lot of that too.

[seahorse]

Mrs.

Often they don't have the motivation to do anything that they're supposed to; hence why so many of them take so long to push the divorce through.
My H has a court order to have his things out of the house by June 1, yet nothing's happened.
He still hasn't put in the proper forms to complete our taxes which were due in April...

They just can't be responsible or productive other than immediate pleasure.

I've been having weird dreams as well.
More lately.  Some sad, but most I can't really read much into.

Monkey braining is normal, but just try to think about yourself and what you need to do for yourself.  It helps not to think about them.

Sea

[Mrs.Smiling]

Hi Sea 🙂, so hard not to think about him. Xh hasn't complied with anything, he is also supposed to fill out a QDRO for the retirement and hasn't taken care of that. That was supposed to be April 30th. No financial affidavit, because he doesnt want to.

When I first found out that xh has a PO box I thought how funny he probably doesnt want OW snooping. Only to find out OW also has a PO box there. Like they are in hiding. As well hasn't registered her car here and still has out of state plates. Because you know everything is still a secret.

I find the hardest time is when I have way too much time on my hands. I need to go back to work.
I know once he gets wind of that petition and his wages gone, I'm more than likely going to hear from him.

[seahorse]

Yes Mrs.
Working certainly makes the day go faster and less monkey=braining...
My H hasn't done his QDRO either.
He hasn't transferred the titles on any of the vehicles.
I could go on, but I will spare us all...

It's weird about them being "in hiding".
PO boxes together -- how cute!
Does he think nobody knows?

Sea

[Mrs.Smiling]

I look at all the documents and read all of them clearly
 One stated that you weren't allowed to use a PO box for an address. Yet xh did. I'm not sure he understands what the word contempt means.
Again, anywhere he can exert control he will take it. Too bad the law is on the side that follows it.

I'm going to keep busy, I just had an invite for lunch and a day trip on the 4th. I'll spend the weekend cleaning since I put it off the past week.
Monkey braining is yuck, but the only way out is through. I'll continue living life, for me
 
Still that monster looms in the back, some days its harder to fight off than others.
I'm sorry your h is doing the same thing.
You have the strength I know you do.
Remember your future, your life. Its nothing personal, just business. My cousin told me that one day. You can continue to love them, but it's all business when it comes to everything else.
Have strength, we are all here walking next to you in spirit...

[Sam I Am]

Mrs:  (and Sea)- One thing that I still find amazing is so many similarities amongst the MLCers.  Both of you are in such similar places and it is sad yet good.  It is always better to have someone in a similar sitch where you can both relate to each other to get through this whole MLC thing.

Dreams:  IMO it is your brain telling you to deal with something.  Maybe find some calm, quiet place and face those dreams head on and put them to rest.

Your H's:  IMO...they are still keeping ahold of a small thread and staying tethered to you.  The question is....is that tether going to weigh you down or are you going to fly free and let them just spin in the wind behind you?   It is your decision to make. 

I find both of you are amazing woman....keep taking care of yourselves and everything else will fall into place eventually!

[seahorse]

Mrs and Sam -
I didn't realize it, but Sam is right - our H's ARE very similar.
My H will do anything to exert control, power, buck the system.
Refuses to do the things he needs to - especially if I tell him (e.g., that the taxes are due).
Both of our H's are monsters (mine more in the background now),

Sam I love your idea of flying free with our H's spinning by the thread in our jet-trail.

I AM an amazing woman, as are most of us on this site (you too, guys!).

We just need to continue to focus on self and grow and fly!

Sea

[Mrs.Smiling]

Journaling now to reflect later -
I have been processing quite a bit lately. Where I am at, where I'm going and what i want.
I have better understanding now than i did when this all started. I understand more about the beginning of all this and the middle and I'm still
going through the motions of what's to come. What that end will look like. I have used my energy to focus more on exh than I have myself and
have found that it only gets me into a place that i worked so hard to stay out of.
The last time exh was here he had stopped on his way out and turned around to see what was on the wall. He read the saying "May your journey always lead you home". Exh said to me that he really liked that saying. For me to keep it up.

That saying keeps me strong. It makes me remember that this is his journey. This is his time to really work on himself, to grow and to come through a better man for himself and for his S. I know that our story is not over. I know that God put us together for a reason. I still live by "in sickness and health till death parts us". This in my eyes is his sickness, I will continue to be here and show kindness and compassion. To show love, because that's all I have to give. A new kind of love. I know that he is in there and in some ways, I hope, working on himself to find his way through.

I take solitude in coming here again and finding more information, ways to handle the monkey braining we all do and how to sort out my thoughts so i can process quicker and not allow them to bring me to a place I don't wish to be. The past two weeks as I have been on "vacation", i have processed more, written more in my own journal and have asked questions to the things that I don't understand.

But it's never easy, I still cry, I still get sad, I do still miss the moments that exh and I shared that nobody else knows. The laughter we shared between us. I look at my S and hope that his dad comes into his life more and more. I hope that exh comes into my life as well. That we can in some way be the friends that we always were. Maybe...Some day.

Exh text S last night and wished him a Happy 4th. That he missed him and loved him and hoped that everything was going good. I asked S if he responded S simply said no. I still struggle at this because I know when S doesn't respond it always comes back and bites me as exh is very angry.
I am the enemy right now, exh is the victim.

I am still processing through that as well. How I am the enemy, how loving him, taking care of him and giving him all of me, that i have become the enemy. But now, I have a better understanding. He hasn't stopped loving me, he hasn't stopped thinking about his family. He is in crisis mode, he is being lead by the belief (i'm sure by OW) that I am this horrible person. The silence he shows tells me he is deeper within. He is fighting.

I have played over and over the time line, have remembered things more now than I did a year ago. I agree with my whole heart that with the help of OW manipulating him, he fell deep within his crisis. That's when he left.

I know that I have been involved in this crisis (even when you didn't realize it was a crisis) since April/May of 2011. Right after his dad passed.
So for 8 years I have been going through this and he is still deep within. Unless at some point he makes a move to work on his FOO issues he will remain in replay.

I have worked through a lot, I have processed and pondered my thoughts. I have recognized my desire to continue moving forward and paving the way for exh even after our divorce. While going through the moments, my gut feeling became stronger and stronger each day. I came to realize that I know in my gut that exh will be at my door. Maybe not this month, or 6 months or even a year from now. But he will be at my door. That's when the beauty of a new relationship will start. A new friendship. That's my gut, its not my heart or my mind. It sits in the pit of my stomach in my gut each day and rips at me, saying to me continue your journey, live your life, better yourself. He will have followed his journey and as the sign says, that journey will lead him back home. Exh and I are connected in a way that will bring us back into one another's life.

How will that look, what will happen, I don't know. That is the mystery. I don't wish to look into the future of what hasn't come. I remain in the moment, today, this is the only day that I have been given. I choose to remember that. Tomorrow isn't a guarantee.
I will continue to show kindness and compassion to exh. Remain in the moment and show love to not only exh but as well, others. Aren't we the change that we wish to see in the world?

Thanks for reading.

Smiling
 

[seahorse]

Smiling -
That was a nice post.
I cannot journal as eloquently as you, Acorn, Sam.
Most of my thinking stays in my head, but I would love to try to journal.

Your strong stand for your marriage is awe-inspiring, and will touch many people on this site.
Your positive attitude and patience is terrific.

I hope that your H 's journey takes him "home" soon.

Sea

[Mrs.Smiling]

Hi Sea, I think you do just fine. I've found through the experience of "dating" and meeting other people the only person that I would wish to have some sort of relationship with would be my exh. It's very hard for me to even call him that as I do not feel inside that we are no longer an "us". He goes in waves, he text S the other day, then followed the court order for spousal the day after. Like those are his silent touch and goes.
He still has 2 bills in his name here and I pay them.
I do question that and other things that are still in our name. I know the D is not what he wanted. But we truly needed to separate ourselves to become individuals. Which in my belief now after a year and a half this is exactly what we needed. I dont condone what he has done and I know that he is fighting a world of demons. I just refuse to be the one to add to his troubles. So I lay low, I dont poke the bear and just let him get through this. Focus is on me and S.
I as you Sea are the only ones that know our H's. D or not. It doesnt break the connection you have, it's still there, it's just laying dormant right now.
You are the only one that can make positives happen. Stand true to yourself, your goal and just be in the moment.

For now I'm going to live my life as an individual until God can guide me down the path of choices that will only improve who I am as a person and who I wish to be. With or without grasshopper when that moment comes.

Hugs from across the way!

[seahorse]

Thanks Mrs. Smiling.

I reminds me to stay self=centered (God, me and family) and not seeking H reconnection as I know it will happen if it's "meant to be".

Church was interesting today, I cried for my loss and confusion.
I'll post more about it on my thread - it wasn't about me, it's about him...

Hugs,
Sea

[Mrs.Smiling]

Hi Sea,

You had a flood of emotions and you let them run the course instead of bottling it up and stuffing it down as we have seen so often with our exh's.
We do need to stay self centered even though it can be so tough at times. I know that feeling. I don't hold my emotions down anymore, if they are to
come I let them. I find that it gives you a sense of empowerment afterwards.

Today is a brand new day - I return back to work today after 2 weeks off. Though I didn't get everything done I wanted to. It was still a nice break from the every day.

You are right Sea, if it is "meant to be" and God has your relationship on hiatus until your H goes through this to the end, then it's meant to be.
As I totally agree with you. I have never felt the connection gone. Which is why I have been able to center myself again, focus and remember that right now I'm GAL and I need to do what's right for me and S. If exh and I have any sort of relationship that will come in time. If we are meant "to be".

Hugs from across the way!

[Mrs.Smiling]

Hi all,

A quick update, I'm finally back at work. Thank goodness. I now have tons of stuff to keep my mind occupied.
S22 and I spent the evening at my parents. We try to get there as often as possible, as my dad has stage 3 terminal cancer and
his Dr. has just informed him he has less than a year. So my sister and I and all the kids were there.

Things haven't changed here. Exh still hasn't spoke to me, exh has text S22 twice in 2 months. S22 never responds to him.
I can not fix that. They must do that on their own.

I continue to be positive, I reflect on things I have learned, and recognize things about me that are still a work in progress. I can only
move forward right now and enjoy what life I do have while here.
Many positive changes will come. I keep a smile, help others and let Exh go on his journey. I do have moments, I do still cry, I get down and
I monkey brain a lot. But like they say, the only way out is through.

Things are okay, I just have to believe in the power of God and let him take care of exh. I continue to keep busy and try to improve my self daily.

Off to work!
Hugs from across the ways.

[Sam I Am]

Mrs.   Always awesome to hear from you and see your growth over the last few years.

I continue to be positive, I reflect on things I have learned, and recognize things about me that are still a work in progress. I can only
move forward right now and enjoy what life I do have while here.

This resonates with me.  This is what I also strive for!  I still remember you reaching out to me privately and sharing your story and helping me in my dark times.  Thank you for still being the guiding light!

Sorry to hear about your Dad.  Great place to put your focus now.  Do what you can with him now!  No regrets later!  Keep Smiling!

Thank you!

[Mrs.Smiling]

Thanks Sam.
I do feel like I have grown quite a bit since all of this has happened. Like I said earlier, my gut is strong and it overwhelms me sometimes. As I have looked around and have seen how far I have grown and what I no longer want in my life. It's getting rid of the toxic and breathing in fresh air. I'm very particular about my house and how I've taken care of things and repaired things. Even though it's what I've done for so long even being married through out the years. It's a sense of accomplishment. No longer the "have to fix", it's the "let's repair and upgrade". I do like my alone moments, my peace and quiet moments. However, I still sit and think way too much. Which adds a little sadness inside my heart. They are short moments now. I've learned how to get through them in a positive way.
As for Exh.....well..
ExH is out of his mind. I'm sorry inside and have a lot of compassion for him, as i would for anyone. I know that his choices were not my own. But I do not have to stop living my life simply because of what's going on in his. He will get there. I hope that he works through everything.
Exh called S22 last night. S22 didn't answer. So exh text him. I finally realized after S told me what exh said that he was drunk texting S22. Not good.
I just simply said to S that his dad is in a place where nobody ever wishes to be but doesn't realize it. He may be reaching out the only way he knows how right now. I said be kind, be truthful, it's a choice whether or not you wish to reply. Exh had a lot of questions for him. S22 stopped replying and told him he had to work.Thankfully it was not rage texting as exh normally does. He actually told S22 that he loved him and missed him. He continued to ask S22 if he could call him at another time or if S22 wanted to call him. Again, S22 told him he needed to work.

So how do I take this? I don't. I let it go. I let the process of what exh is going through happen. Without interference from me. Maybe this is the beginning of reconnecting. I don't know. I do know that I keep doing what I'm doing. Fight the good fight and live my life. I've said many times to myself. I am no longer the doormat!

A wonderful day to everyone.

[Mrs.Smiling]

Journal 365 new days 365 new chances..

Hello, well I knew it was coming. I was just waiting. The income withholding went through and after almost 3 months exh called me this morning at work.
The conversation was actually calm. He has a lot of anger though. I can hear it.
I'm not quite sure the name I would call him after realizing what he did. He asked about the IWO and said he put money in the account for me yesterday. I explained to him there was nothing there. He called me a liar. Of course. Projection. I said I'm sitting here looking at it and it's not there.
Then he decided to go a little further.
Exh said to me you don't even care about me, everyone is taking my money. All you care about is getting your money. (that's right after 23 yrs that's all i care about). I didn't argue with him, I just kindly said okay. He then told me he was "moving out of state", that his "family" was going to help him get on his feet (Wait what? lthe only person that would help him would be his mother. I can see it, his mother, stepdad, brother and his girlfriend and exh in a 2 bedroom apartment! OW came from money, that's all she is about. Umm, so they are moving out of state to live with his mom...right on...lies lies lieslol). I explained to him you do know just because you leave state the divorce decree doesn't just disappear. It does follow you.
He then told me that since they are taking the money from his check now for me "NOT to be late on the mortgage". That his credit score just got back up there. I'm not sure what the deal is with the credit score. He told me now that they are taking a huge chunk out of his check he wants ALL his money back. lol I don't think a divorce works that way.
He told me of his ailments and that he shouldn't have to work all these hours. As i am quietly thinking, victim mode. He then told me he would be by to say goodbye to S (cause you know he's leaving right now lol). I said okay and hung up.
Well come to find out. Exh made the deposit into some random person's account. As i text him and said omg that's not even the account number, our account number is **** not ****. I have no idea where you put that money but it wasn't to me. You might want to get to the bank and get it figured out.
My last text to him was simply, I'm sorry you don't think I care, however, these were your choices, you left and you had an affair. Not me. I've told you before if ever in need I'm here. That was it.
Wow....the crazy crazy world...

I'm okay, I gave S22 a heads up. Asked if exh said anything to him about moving out of state. S22 said no not at all.
I was quite impressed with myself..I made it through the conversation, held my own and let it go.

[seahorse]

Mrs. Smiling -
Good for you for being so strong with your conversation with H.
We are all proud of you.
Nice truth dart too!

I'm sorry that it happened, but out of your control.

Will be interesting to see if he follows through with his threat to move out of state, or if it was just said to get a response from you.

Keeping you in my thoughts.
Sea

[Mrs.Smiling]

Unfortunately it got worse. Exh called again with some questions. Conversation started ok. No yelling just talking about the income withholding. Exh than started getting angry. Yelling and screaming at me. He told me that if I had ever wanted a "friendship" I've completely destroyed that.
The doozie of a comment was this: Exh said to me after me saying I'm sorry you are so angry. Exh responded with as he is yelling at me "everything you are doing, you are making me want to kill myself." Oh boy huh. This is all over a court order that he hasn't followed.
He told me that he doesn't get my text messages yet responded to my text message. Told me that S22 wants nothing to do with him so he has no ties here so he's moving out of state and then goes into his plans, family is going to help him out and as soon as he gets it set up he's out of here. I simply said that's too bad, your son will miss having you here. He loves you very much. Told me that no he doesn't, he doesn't respond to his texts doesn't call him. (wait lol hmmm...kinda like him? lol)

So basically, he gave me an ultimatum - told me if i don't put it the way it was then he is "out of here". Threat threat threat...I'm not sure about anyone else, but he is not a well man.
He of course like a 2 yr old hung up on me, cause you know, he's all done talking.

I'm going to go breathe. Enjoy my night and pray that he gets help soon and God help him.

[Sam I Am]

All projection and all at you!

You handled it all so well.  Let him vent or deny the projection.

It stinks but it is all part of the process. 

Sorry you have to deal with Monster!

[UrsaMajor]

So basically, he gave me an ultimatum - told me if i don't put it the way it was then he is "out of here".

"OK... there's the door... Don't let it hit ya where the good Lord split ya on the way out.... I'll have your stuff packed and in the driveway for you... By the way, it's looking like rain so you might want to get your stuff together to pick it up... "

 

[Mrs.Smiling]

Journaling -

A wave of emotion. I even went as far as reading my horoscope. It said to stay away from the emotions today. I don't think it really worked.
The saga continued. Exh said what he needed to. I talked with kindness, never mentioning anything other than that I was proud that he took
the responsibility to do what he has done.
I know a lot of what he says is guilt. I've been told to stop worrying about his thoughts, his actions, what he means by whatever he says. That my focus is going off of me and onto him. It's true. They have been. I've been thinking a lot about him. But I guess that happens.
I tried talking to S22, letting him know that he is allowed to be angry, But exh is still his dad. That it's okay if he wants to reach out and say Hi. Or ask him how he is doing. I encourage it. I know that S22 needs his dad. Exh was reaching out to him. S22 just doesn't respond.
He told me he doesn't say anything because exh lies.
Sad..This whole process is sad.All we have is time. I sit here in the quiet and continue to ponder the things that have happened in the past year.
It's all so surreal.
I know that exh is in there. I know he is. I know that he will show up here at my front door. I know not to sit and "wait" so to speak. But I think everyone going through this keeps a little bit of hope inside. Hope that they continue their journey and will find their way out.

Update- I forgot to press send as my mind is always on the go!. Exh text S22 last night, the judgement came back from the courts and they denied his petition to vacate the consent decree. Exh told S22 that he got some "disappointing" news today and now he has to move out of state because he can't afford to live here. I kind of laugh at this because nothing has changed. The only thing that has changed is the way the money is given. Which means I get directly from the state instead of waiting on his "I'll pay when i want" attitude. So he believes he can't afford here because he isn't in control anymore.
I also chuckle a bit, exh told me he was living with family where he was going. Of course it was a big secret. Well, he revealed where. So my question is, OW is going to live with his family? lol She is so high maintenance and has loads of money. I believe he is running again.
S22 told me last night, if he wants to act like a child and run again then let him go. Smart kid I have.
I've been in contact again with my lawyer.

So I guess its actually officially official that I am divorced now. What a shame.

[Treasur]

Mrs S...it is sad, it is all sad. Your son seems to see quite clearly though that your h is a petulant irrational mess. And he is, Mrs S. none of what he is saying makes any logical sense at all. I guess some of you knows that and some of you just wants your old h back. But right now, that is not who he is.

I'm glad that the legal system did its job well bc it doesn't always. And yes, your xh will be spitting feathers bc it reduces his control and opportunity to blame you. Please remember as a small consolation that this hot mess of a man-child is who you are divorced from and that the divorce protects you and your family from more damage. He broke; you didn't break him. But your life will get easier when the chance to play MLC games is less. And tbh the future will unfold as it will and divorce never seems to stand in their way if they recover and want to reconnect. But sadly, for the moment, as your son says let him go and let him learn his own lessons from his own consequences.

[UrsaMajor]

Awwwww.... Mean old Mr. Consequences has arrived... That dude is a REAL Buzzkill....



But it IS sad Ms. Smiling because it is/was totally unnecessary if these Mid-Lifers would just to their own work of healing instead of expecting everyone else to do it for them...

[Sam I Am]

So sorry to hear about the D.

No matter what, you are being a champ about this all.  Keep smiling and keep hoping!  Follow your heart while you are following your dreams!

Let H move out of State and sulk.  Who knows why he is running, you can't stop him so stay out of his way so you don't get run over!

S is right...let him.  Eventually he will quit.  Just don't know when!

[Mrs.Smiling]

Thanks Sam, unfortunately as we all know they all lie and tell wonderful stories to "guilt" you. Or try to manipulate you while in this crisis.

It's almost like exh can sense when I'm doing really good. When I'm laughing and enjoying my life. His plan again was to come by and say "goodbye" to S22. S22 didn't respond to the text on Friday - I asked S22 if he minded I read it so I can see what Exh was saying.
Exh went from moving out of state - living with family - and had put his transfer in to telling S22 he was leaving for 3 days out of state to "find" a place to live he only had a few months left of savings and he was putting together his transfer. Hmm...
Well I responded in kind, letting him know to be safe, that we care about him and hope things go well..I told him that nothing had changed spousal wise. It was just a different way in budgeting. It's the same as what he was paying just the courts took it instead. That's all I said.
This prompted him to blast me with anger. He called me many of names, told me I was the last person he would ever ask help from, that I got my revenge, pat myself on the back, oh he went on and on. I remained calm. I remained kind. I told him to please not text if all he could be is disrespectful, he does not have that right to speak to me in that manner.
You can truly see the pain they are in, there was quite a few things that he said, a lot of things that just didn't make sense. It feels like he has hit rock bottom now. I didn't engage in his self pity, he was projecting his pain and blaming me. As they do.
It didn't affect me at all. I didn't monkey brain, I didn't have any other thoughts. I just simply continued with my evening.
I do think about him, I really do hope that God helps him find his way through. My exh is a good man deep inside, it's his character that's not so good.
I will always Love my exh. No matter what. My gut tells me that he will be okay, he will get through this in his own time.



S22 is okay, my main concern is to make sure that despite exh's anger and spewing of garbage, that S22 knows that exh loves him.

Let go Let God

[UrsaMajor]

Well I responded in kind, letting him know to be safe, that we care about him and hope things go well..I told him that nothing had changed spousal wise. It was just a different way in budgeting. It's the same as what he was paying just the courts took it instead. That's all I said.

Oh no! You didn't, did you? You presented him with ... <cue the scary "Jaws"-like music>



Factual Information?

</scary music and screaming sound track>

and his response was to spew... Once again going to show that it was about control... when he lost that shred of control, of power, he tossed a wobbly...

[Mrs.Smiling]

Thanks UM, the more you listen to what they say and take the personal out of it. The more you realize what they are trying to do. He is clearly in crisis
mode and projecting.
I feel bad for S22. But there isn't much I can do. Speaking of S22, tonight he made Asst Manager at his job. I'm a pretty proud mama!
This is such an achievement for a young adult with Asperger's. I'm very proud of him!.

As for me, I continue to hope the best for exh. I found myself today while I had made a comment about him, I called him my husband. Weird to know
that we aren't married anymore.
But no sad stories here. It is what it is. I've lost quite a bit the past 2 years, it's amazing the strength you find through out all the things you go through.

I continue to let go and let god. I also know that my sister is up there next to God helping exh find his way.
One day...

[Sam I Am]

Mrs.  I can so relate to some things you said:

I do think about him, I really do hope that God helps him find his way through. My exh is a good man deep inside, it's his character that's not so good.
I will always Love my exh. No matter what. My gut tells me that he will be okay, he will get through this in his own time.

and

I've lost quite a bit the past 2 years, it's amazing the strength you find through out all the things you go through.

I still remember the first time you reached out to me and what you said to me.  I am glad you have been here the last two years (almost in my case).  Friends like you make this journey much more tolerable.

Congrats to Son!  That is awesome!  You should be proud!  He should be too!

Take care of yourself!  Sam!

[Mrs.Smiling]

Thanks Sam! It has been a long time. But that's what we have right now is time. I learn every day. I have a coworker who's husband is having small tantrums over small things. She has a feeling that he is having an affair and is ready to play detective. She said his demeanor has changed and he doesn't act like the man she married 19 years ago.
I realized that when talking to her, how much I've grown and how much I've learned over this time and just gave her a few things to ponder and remember to continue taking care of herself. The journey I've been on has been exhausting, challenging and a constant battle it seems. But I have found strength inside to not only continue to move forward, but strength to help others in RL.

You have been a wonderful friend Sam. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't find this home and have so many people understand exactly what it was I was going through. My most challenging moments I have brought here and have had my eyes opened up beyond the crisis to be able to keep the focus on me and S22.

I hope that one day, as he works through his crisis and appears again that we will connect in a way that God intended. To be friends. To enjoy our S22 and all the trials he will go through in life and just be happy.

Hugs around the world.