Author Topic: When you let go...you are truly free (Read 1567 times)

Mrs.Smiling · « **on:** January 19, 2019, 06:04:59 AM »

My Techy friends here. I would appreciate someone linking the old to the brand new.

This subject line is perfect for where I see myself today versus last year at this time. (3 weeks short of 1 year when H moved out)
I have come a very long way down a very dark and scary path. There were days I didn't know if I wanted to keep going and days where
I just got up and kept moving. I kept it together for months. I had my downfalls, I cried, I hit things, I ran, I stopped eating, I even lost my job, during the worst possible time of the year. It was the worst few months. Though I had been here before, (H moving out) I knew that this time it was going to be the last time he came back.

Quick recap - H's MLC started about 6 years ago now. H's dad passed at an early age, our S turned 18 and graduated HS. Life as I thought was going to get better as we moved on. However, H turned into a man I didn't even know. H had tantrums, put holes in my walls, drank all night, worked ungodly hours and yes started an affair with the OW who was in a completely different state and 11 years older than him. After many attempts to "Fix" what I thought was broken. I was able to confirm that the OW never went away as he told me. I received the ILYBINILWY speech numerous times. H had 4 come and go's. Every time moving out while I was either at work, or in the middle of the night. There were many nights he didn't come home at all. OW left her 25 yr marriage and 4 kids and moved to my state. H needed a mom and well he got one. Yes she is just as broken as he is. The final move out was February 8th, 2018 after 5 years of putting up with something I had no idea about. (MLC) I did my research and read all the time, each time he moved out i would read and he fell into the classification of the "Chaos kid". What a mess he is. After leaving the last time, a few months of personal therapy and gaining some light in my broken heart. I started letting go and moving on.

January 19th, 2019 - 3 weeks before the 1 year mark. I have a fantastic new job that I love. Great friends, great family and I've been actively in the gym and finishing my degree.
I've moved forward with getting my financials together and I hardly even talk to H. Unless its a necessity.
S is doing great, his girlfriend (that I've been learning to like lol) and him have been together a little over a year and S is working and in College.
After H's tantrum yet again, I received some what of an apology, but I hold it like I would hold a spider. S turned 22 last weekend and I saw H that morning. H told me he was going to text S and wish him a Happy Birthday on his next break.
After coming home that evening, I asked S if he heard from his dad. S told me yes.
Here is where my heart breaks for my S. H told him Happy bday, said that he doesn't ever want S to think he comes 2nd but he needed to watch the football game. S told him no worries. H then told him again, you don't come second, but the game was on and I didn't want to miss it. (You see where that old saying is "everything before the word "But" is bulls***".) I told S how sorry I was, that he doesn't ever come second to anything or anyone.
S told me "what a D*** move". I told him that was pretty rotten. However, his dad is in a place that we have no idea about. I would never excuse his behavior, I do know that your dad loves you very much. S told me, ya but he's a "d***". We moved on, I took him out for dinner with his girlfriend and my friend and we went to be kids and played some miniature golf.

How do you tell a kid with asperger's that? I'm still baffled.
So now we are on the vehicle thing. H came over the other day, brought S a bday present. (a week later)
I told H that he needed to find himself one and let me refinance this one. I didn't cause this and well, you wanted to leave your family. They are your choices, so now you need to figure it out. I was very nice, I smiled, I watched him. I came straight out and asked him why after 23 yrs of marriage do you not respond to my texts? H said I get them, I see them. I said and you don't respond why? He just kinda laughed and turned his back on me. Really?
He didn't stay long as he had OW's car and it's a short leash. So he left.

As for me - I have moved on, I can look at this man and know that he is not the man I married and honestly thank him for giving me the gift of being free. Without him leaving this last time, I would never have moved forward with where I am today, fixed the issues that I was struggling with and be powerful in my decisions and my choices in life. I am on the right path, I don't feel anything for H other than sadness and hope that someday he finds his way. I will always have a place in my heart for him. That will never change. Right now, it's just like that furry spider, I'll hold it in my hand for a second, but once you start making a move I don't like. I'll drop it and walk away. Strength, determination and love for myself and my future.

As for the D...ya, we sit and wait. Again.

Until the next round...Have Faith!

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10126.0

Seahunt18 · « **Reply #1 on:** January 20, 2019, 11:03:02 AM »

I hope one day I can get to that place you are at!

I am truly happy for you!

Sam I Am · « **Reply #2 on:** January 21, 2019, 01:29:20 PM »

@ Sea - You will!

It took Mrs awhile but she has blossomed into a beautiful desert flower in the last year!

She had it rough for awhile too. We all do and then someday something will click and the world gets brighter and brighter as you move forward too!

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #3 on:** January 21, 2019, 01:46:10 PM »

Ginormous hugs to you Sam!!

Sea- just keep coming here, post read journal, you just have to remember we have ALL been where you are!

UrsaMajor · « **Reply #4 on:** January 22, 2019, 05:48:57 AM »

Quote from: Mrs.Smiling on January 19, 2019, 06:04:59 AM

Right now, it's just like that furry spider, I'll hold it in my hand for a second, but once you start making a move I don't like. I'll drop it and walk away.

Annnd here it is...

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #5 on:** January 22, 2019, 03:22:13 PM »

I would probably stomp on that one lol

UrsaMajor · « **Reply #6 on:** January 23, 2019, 03:11:00 AM »

Quote from: Mrs.Smiling on January 22, 2019, 03:22:13 PM

I would probably stomp on that one lol

Awwwww..... It's just trying to say "Hello" and wave....

Whyus · « **Reply #7 on:** January 23, 2019, 06:04:37 AM »

you Sound like your doing great mrs. Awesome, thats what I like to read.
As for the "but the game was on and I didn't want to miss it." Thats total BS and just, well hes a d!ck basically as S22 said.

Sea, hang in there fella, your time will come. One day this will all be just a distant Memory.

UM:- now that surely wasnt necessary, was it? Bad bear! This MLC BS is bad enough but Spiders too?

Really dude?

UrsaMajor · « **Reply #8 on:** January 23, 2019, 06:56:03 AM »

Quote from: Whyus on January 23, 2019, 06:04:37 AM

UM:- now that surely wasnt necessary, was it? Bad bear! This MLC BS is bad enough but Spiders too? Really dude?

But.... but .... but.... SHE started it by talking about holding the furry spider!

ROFL

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #9 on:** January 24, 2019, 04:18:16 AM »

Thank you Whyus! It has been a challenge and I still have my ups and downs. I have moments where I stop myself and shake my head and look around me. I think wow, after one year this is where I am. I can walk with my head up, a little skip and dance in my feet and know that with faith and strength, it is possible to move forward and see a brand new path.
I have done so much change in me, mentally and physically. That it shows through in everything I do. Now, I can meet someone and know spot on to run like the d!ckens and don't go anywhere near that ball of furry mess. lol I've had one or two encounters such as that.
I have my projects going on in the garage again and my power tools have been replaced! So that is great news! (for me at least)
I've had contact with H the past few days (his doing) and have rushed off the phone with the ending of me telling him I'll call him another time. How things change!!

I hope that everyone keeps the faith, keeps strength and know that today is a brand new day. You can't change what happened yesterday, it is now a distant memory.
Hugs from across the way and big Smiles!!

UM - hahahaha Holding it? No way - lol Drop Stomp Squish and squish again!!

UrsaMajor · « **Reply #10 on:** January 24, 2019, 04:22:32 AM »

Quote from: Mrs.Smiling on January 24, 2019, 04:18:16 AM

UM - hahahaha Holding it? No way - lol Drop Stomp Squish and squish again!!

Ah, I didn't realize that "holding the furry spider" was a euphemism for ... uhmmmmm ... NO! BAD BEAR! NOT gonna go there.... <snort>

Sam I Am · « **Reply #11 on:** January 24, 2019, 06:01:51 AM »

Sitting here giggling. You two are funny! You two should start a thread and banter back and forth for some comic relief to all us LBS. Thanks for the chuckles this am.

UrsaMajor · « **Reply #12 on:** January 24, 2019, 06:33:10 AM »

Quote from: Sam I Am on January 24, 2019, 06:01:51 AM

Sitting here giggling. You two are funny! You two should start a thread and banter back and forth for some comic relief to all us LBS. Thanks for the chuckles this am.

Actually Sam, it is 3 of us at least because WhyUs took me to task for posting the original spider GIF.... You are certainly welcome to join us though.. .Maybe we can fill up Mrs. Smilings current thread by the end of next week?

Sam I Am · « **Reply #13 on:** January 24, 2019, 07:23:03 AM »

Tempting and she is so busy she may not notice for another week! LOL!

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #14 on:** January 24, 2019, 03:15:02 PM »

HAHAHA...I am here!

I think that's a challenge! I like challenges, sheesh I was married for 23 years! lol

As for Bad bear bad bear what do you see...oh wait isn't that brown bear brown bear....lol

Sam I Am · « **Reply #15 on:** January 24, 2019, 06:26:28 PM »

Number 15....only 135 to go.

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #16 on:** January 24, 2019, 08:10:53 PM »

lol well let's see what UM has in him....

UrsaMajor · « **Reply #17 on:** January 25, 2019, 04:16:37 AM »

I see a Red Bird Looking at me.....

Yes, I have that book too..... D8 loved it.....

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #18 on:** January 25, 2019, 08:34:35 AM »

Good morning,

I just have a question or two that someone might be able to help me with.
I've heard from H this morning through text.
H told me that he didn't want me to have any "surprises" but wanted to let me know that he
filled out the "paperwork" at the courthouse and I should receive it saturday. That he paid the cost
for the both of us.? I didn't ask for the divorce. So how can he pay the cost for the both of us?

That he wanted me to just put in "What I want" and then sign it. (really) H tried to sound like he knows what he is doing.
But clearly he does not.
Doesn't a processor have to serve the papers to make it a legal document from a court?
I have a list of things that he is uaware of that comes with a 23 year marriage. Where do these get included in this
paperwork? Do I just attach them or what?

I'm chuckling inside...But on a serious note need to get my ducks in a row.
H doesn't surprise me anymore. This is just stuff I know needs to be done.
As I said to H in response to his text . "I'm glad you filled them out, however, I won't be signing anything until the lawyer sees it first.".
I'm a little smarter than he thinks - see, I know when to drop the spider and stomp!

Thanks for any answers!

akjomsviking · « **Reply #19 on:** January 25, 2019, 10:59:09 AM »

Hey Mrs. Smiling - I'm not a lawyer but I have recently been through a divorce. I wouldn't get too stressed about it. Just take whatever paperwork he gives you and bring it to a lawyer to look over it with you. Something that people don't realize is that anyone can file anything with a court - it doesn't give it some kind of special significance just because it's been filed.

I suspect every state is different but in my state it only takes one spouse to file for divorce. You both have to sign it for it to mean something and in my state you are still required to appear before a judge. In my personal case we went with a dissolution so there were no lawyers involved other than a single session for each of us to have someone look over the paperwork.

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #20 on:** January 25, 2019, 03:16:00 PM »

I'm really not too concerned about it, just interested to see what he did to this time.its the 3rd time.
H has lost his marbles and after reading his text I realized he said courtyard not court house and something about a green piece of paper. I don't know. But here when you file with the courts they have to pay a processor to serve you. Which he did not.
Cause as H says it's in the mail. Lol

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #21 on:** January 27, 2019, 04:29:19 AM »

What a day yesterday. Received the paperwork via certified mail. Now I know what green card he is talking about. Looked through them. I think he is out of his mind. Did not disclose anything when it came to retirement accounts. Said the mortgage payment would be considered spousal maintenance but for only 3 yrs. Is he serious? After 22 years of marriage? He didnt include anything in regards to our S and said after 3 years I'm to take over payments, if not then we sell.

I think he's crazy.

OffRoad · « **Reply #22 on:** January 27, 2019, 12:31:09 PM »

Yes, the green card is the proof the letter was delivered. In my state, some things can be served by certified mail, and some cannot.

I'm glad you are in that wonderful place where you can look at his crazy proposal and just shake your head. A mortgage payment is not spousal maintenance. That is quite funny! He doesn't get to choose what you spend your spousal maintenance on.

Sad you have to spend money on an attorney, but you need to protect yourself and your son. Raising kids is not cheap.

The best of luck to you!

UrsaMajor · « **Reply #23 on:** January 28, 2019, 03:37:53 AM »

Well Mrs. Smiling,

I think......

Thunder · « **Reply #24 on:** January 28, 2019, 05:11:00 AM »

Good grief Mrs. Smiling, he really doesn't know what he is doing, does he?

No you don't take a mortgage payment for Spousal.

Geez

The amount of time he has to pay Spousal Maintenance goes according to a few factors.
Your age, your ability to work, length of marriage (yours is long term) and the difference between your income and his.

Well let a L figure it out.

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #25 on:** January 28, 2019, 06:25:39 PM »

Thanks UM...that's funny. I'm not too sure about H and these papers. Though they have been filed. Which is fine. However, this world of MLC is crazy.
H and I stood outside of his work for an hour Sunday and talked. Just talked, joked around, laughed and he even mentioned things about when we were first "Dating". Weird. But it was actually really nice to have a conversation with him and walk away feeling fine.

H did tell me that he was doing what the people at the Courts told him to do. That was why he said for me to fill in whatever I wanted. I said okay. That was understandable. I know he really doesn't understand. Thank god for people in my world that do know a little something.

H wants to get a few of the bills paid off and asked if we wanted to pay it down the middle weekly. We can tackle one at a time and get them paid off.
I agreed 100%. He even handed over his portion of money for one bill and only asked that I send him a picture of the balance after it was paid.

We talked about the spousal maintenance and he responded with well how long do I have to pay this. I said as long as they say or what we come up with.
But we've been married for 23 years. I then said to him, I don't by any means want to bring this up, but you have to remember that the person you live with came from money. She divorced him, moved here and sits on her butt all day just like she has for 25 years. She gets a substantial amount of money a month that she doesn't have to work and that will more than likely continue till she gets married or dies. H disagreed. I said oh, you have got to look at people for who they are. She is a liar. You of all people should know that. She, just like you will tell anyone anything. People are going to snow you just to get what they want. H didn't say a word.

We moved on. Talked a bit more, laughed and joked about the divorce. Agreed that we both don't want it to interfere in our jobs.
H then tells me that he feels like he has no money because of what he is paying out. I said well, unfortunately this is the consequence of actions.
H told me that he wants to be on his own. I said I wanted that for him too. That being on his own and independent would do him good. We talked money again, I said well, what's your time frame to get your own place? H's response? "As soon as possible"....uh oh problems in fantasy land?
That's too bad.

H actually walked next to me and hugged me goodbye.
This morning I filled out the response paper work sent him the list of "Wants" and made sure that everything was filled out correctly.
I talked to the Lawyer this morning and will be meeting with her next Monday.
Thunder - the lawyer chuckled as well when i told her what he put down. She said to me, I don't think so, it doesn't work that way.
My hope after all of this is to be friends with him. S deserves to have some part of his dad in his life.

18 days and counting before Response needs to be in.

Strength and Faith in God...

Until the next round.....

Sam I Am · « **Reply #26 on:** January 29, 2019, 10:39:44 AM »

thinking of you! You are handling all of this so well!

Shining Star · « **Reply #27 on:** January 29, 2019, 11:35:33 AM »

I enjoyed reading your update. Your comment about what your H said to S about "not being second" made me smile. My ex-H told my daughter that he would have "fond" memories of her if she died. Not that he would miss her or I would be destroyed, etc. It was ridiculous. She said to me "what a weirdo - who says that to your daughter." You didn't ask for advice, but he can only divorce you once. Make sure you list every single item - be extra inclusive. I left out two items that he has now changed his mind over. One is buying me a new car. He went from - I will buy you a car, I don't remember saying I would buy you a car, I now remember saying that I would buy you a car, but I have given you enough money for you to buy your own car. I should have been smarter, so that is my recommendation. Trust nothing that comes out of his mouth - have it all in the documents. Glad you sound as if you have gotten down the road from the worst of it. I am about 7 months divorced and still finding my way. It is nice to hear that it does get better.....

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #28 on:** January 30, 2019, 04:06:44 AM »

Thanks Sam! I was looking over the paperwork and realized I have till February 14th to send my response in. Well, Happy Valentines Day to me! lol
I think my only concern right now is H lying on his financial statement. Since it's pretty cut and dry on my end. (and I don't lie lol)
I know that OW is going to forge something to show what he "might" be paying. However, I know that what he is paying her isn't in the form of money.
(insert little emoji throwing up)

OW has a big surprise coming to her once he gets the vehicle and leaves. H told me that he has been looking at apartments around his work too. I would love to be a fly on the wall! Karma...it comes in all different shapes doesn't it. But as always I'll continue with growing, getting this divorce and finally having something in writing to where I know I don't need to be nice anymore (just kidding! I'm always nice). I think that's what is holding me back from really saying anything that I want to.

I have the appointment with the L on Monday. I'll bring all the paperwork in. I've been texting H "reminding" him that I have the forms for taxes, the different statements etc etc. As usual though, silence! It's really not that hard to respond ya know. What a turd!

Sam - I am no longer stepping quietly, what's that saying "I am woman hear me roar". lol I now stomp, I don't put up with anything from anyone in the form of mlc crazy or just crazy in general. I'm enjoying my discovery of me and realizing I'm pretty handy around my house.
I don't want to screw him out of anything, I just want my house. A house he continues to tell me that he wants me to have.
I know I can do this, even if I have to retain the lawyer in the end.

Shining star - It does get better. Separated but not divorced yet (even though it's just like being divorced) is great on my end. I do have many friends that I continue to see, but my biggest accomplishment was to get out of my vehicle one day and walk into the gym. Though I have lost 135 pds since all this started. It was time to get into the gym and do what I love to do the most. Run and box. I now go 5 days out of 7 and have cut my run time down to 2 miles in 25 minutes. I have an ample amount of support from here and HS.

I hope that everyone has a good day. I'll check in with you Sam today!

Whyus · « **Reply #29 on:** January 30, 2019, 04:22:53 AM »

Your sounding great Mrs. You make sure that you get all that you deserve out of the D.
Show no mercy, mercy is for the weak

Lots on HS have been served lately, must be the time of year

!

gman242 · « **Reply #30 on:** January 30, 2019, 05:42:19 AM »

I agree with Whyus, it's a real point of change when you discover your own worth!

Keep it up my good lady!

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #31 on:** January 30, 2019, 03:15:58 PM »

Yay!

Well, I've text H letting him know that I received more tax forms. Interesting that he goes silent. We agreed this would be the last year
we filed together. Hopefully (oie) he sticks with what he said. Ya I know what you are thinking lol.

This L is expensive retainer is $6500. I'm not sure I'll go with her, but I need someone who is going to help me since I'm doing this on my own.
It's a little intimidating at times. If I can't afford this lawyer, can't i put in that he pays my lawyer costs?

Spent 4 hours last night working on homework to realize that I was working on the wrong assignment. Nice huh..Ya I chuckled
at myself too. So tonight I will actually do the right assignment. But hey at least next week's is done!

Skipped the gym tonight. S is off on campus and hanging with friends. Peaceful home. So me and my 4 legged crazy are going to sit back and enjoy the peace.

Whyus - Thank you, encouragement goes a long way.
Gman - Thank you!! So much going on it's amazing I've held it all together this long!

What doesn't kill ya just makes ya stronger right.

Until the next round...

Anon · « **Reply #32 on:** January 30, 2019, 05:55:15 PM »

Quote

But as always I'll continue with growing, getting this divorce and finally having something in writing to where I know I don't need to be nice anymore (just kidding! I'm always nice). I think that's what is holding me back from really saying anything that I want to.

I relate so well to this I could have written it myself. After the divorce, it's not like I will be nasty but I will no longer have to play nice so he cooperates with our uncontested divorce. We won't have to hire lawyers as long as we are in agreement. I just don't want him challenging any of the terms in the prenup because then it gets messy. Playing nice helps with that goal.

Like I said, I wouldn't be nasty but I wouldn't be quite as nice as I've been pretending. I won't hold back saying anything I want to after the divorce either. Like 'get out of my life, and stay out',,, for starters.

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #33 on:** February 04, 2019, 03:51:26 AM »

Hi all,

Today I go and meet with this L to go through all the paperwork. Then down to the court to file my response. I don't do deadlines. I think
that only having 20 days to prepare a response after 23 years is just not enough time in my book. I mean throw in working full time and
school. I just don't agree. I feel like i'm missing something. But hopefully I'll get everything together for today. There is just too much history.
Most of the stuff we've already agreed upon. We started paying off the 2 credit cards we have. H is coming over Thursday so we can file taxes.
Then to talk about getting my name off the loan for the truck. Unfortunately, dealerships will not let you purchase a vehicle if you have a loan
out already, without a cosigner. I don't agree with that. But okay.

Anon - I'm hoping to understand the whole process today. I know that I need to file. So far we are in agreement to everything, so playing nice is always a good thing. I don't mind talking to H. I don't mind seeing him either. We are actually pretty good friends. So the more I smile and put on the charm, the more the guilt comes out in him and he doesn't argue with what I want. H is a good man when he isn't drinking, when he isn't around OW and when he is in his own element. (WORK). lol

It's a beautiful morning, I have the strength and I'm worth more than what is in those Divorce papers.
All of you are!

Until the next round!

Smiles!

Whyus · « **Reply #34 on:** February 04, 2019, 04:19:07 AM »

then good luck

Thunder · « **Reply #35 on:** February 04, 2019, 05:12:53 AM »

Mrs, S,

Just keep in mind, if you two are in agreement with most things, it's possible you may get some of that retainer back if he does use it all.

Another reason for playing nice (if possible).

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #36 on:** February 04, 2019, 08:07:50 PM »

Well the appointment didn't go as I thought it would. Useful information, however, uncovered something that I didn't (or realize) was sitting out there.
I'm still trying to process everything. The divorce papers that he filed say two different things in two different spots and don't make any sense at all.

I have to really figure out how to go about all of it. I know that I have to file a response. Which I will do.
Then of course those wonderful 60 days, but if we come to agreement within the 60 days, we can file a consent decree and file that.
So I'll continue to play nice. I was unaware of a lot of things that have changed over time.

I just have to figure out what's in the best interest of Me and S. Which is marked by a deadline of 20 days.
Tonight my brain is spinning, my emotions are in check, but just the process of it all really weighs heavily.

Until the next round....

UrsaMajor · « **Reply #37 on:** February 05, 2019, 01:32:45 AM »

Ah yes... Finding out what has been going on behind the scenes is always SO much fun... or not.

You have your priorities right though - What is best for you and S. STBXH's choices mean that he gets to deal with / live with the consequences so it is his problem - It's now just business....

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #38 on:** February 05, 2019, 04:24:16 AM »

I'm usually really level headed about things and always want to do the right thing. Unfortunately what was found is not in favor of me and S.

Just trying to work through this and see. Again it's that looming 20 days.

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #39 on:** February 05, 2019, 03:56:25 PM »

Heavy head today. I thought when he left was bad. It's like I can never find that "right answer". I search and I read and
I do what I need to do. But the confusion of it all still sits and stews. Questions I have are just small. But can never find
the right person to answer them. Or answer them to my satisfaction of settling my mind.

I feel like there are a ton of bricks on my shoulders.

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #40 on:** February 10, 2019, 06:03:50 PM »

Hello!

Well the time has come that I get to go to court and file my response. I've gone over it a million times and still think I'm missing something.
The only thing I can do is file in the allotted time and then we agreed to go over everything, agree and then file the consent decree at 60 days.

I think after 7 years I'm all done. I just want to move forward in a positive manner and enjoy the rest of my life. Whatever path I might choose.
So my nerves and anxiety are a little high but I know I'll be okay.

I have great friends and great support. H and I saw each other today. We chatted and then he went into work.
I wish he was more involved with S. But that's something I can not fix. I can just love S the best I know and continue
being here for him.

I hope all is well. Hugs to all around the globe.
Keep the faith.

Until the next round...

gman242 · « **Reply #41 on:** February 11, 2019, 08:17:53 AM »

That's why I got a lawyer.. I just felt it was so much easier having them deal with it and a large part of that was because I knew a lot of W's info is / was bogus.

I felt the same way too, even with the tax returns this year, it hurt like BD and her leaving. Just how easily she could not care, not about me even, but S. Just to keep stacking the deck in her favor over and over. I hit a point and a light went off. I was just like.. nope. Screw you. I'm done waiting on her to be kind to me or treat me fairly. She laid in bed for 5 years after her mom died and I got absolutely jack and Schmidt for being a good, devoted husband. It's her life, her issues.. she can deal with it.

It's really hard, but I've taken extreme joy in taking what's mine. I guess I was always afraid of being unkind, especially since my dad was such an egotistical selfish person. But I hold myself to a high standard and at the same time, what I earned is what I keeps.

You just need to see how much effort you're put into yourself and your S and that you should have that protected and maintained. I'm at the point now where I want zero to do with W, so that she has no say or strings over me and S. One year to go until he's 18.. I dunno, I just found when I'm in charge, people are happy, things get done and life moves on. I will always love W, but that doesn't mean that I want my life upset by her BS anymore..

hope all turned out well

hang in there and stay strong!

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #42 on:** February 11, 2019, 02:53:19 PM »

Everything is filed. Stamped by the county clerk and I'll certify mail it tomorrow.
You are right gman, I do feel a lot better after filing everything. I even contemplated not sending in my list of what I want.
But realized he is only out for himself yet again.

60 days....I know I have to start thinking practical when it comes to surviving. So lowering a few of my standards right now
is probably going to be more beneficial. Even though I don't think I should have to. After 23 years. But you are right i'm all done
with his BS.

Tonight I relax, have a quiet dinner and wait for S to be home. Maybe I'll watch a movie.
I just keep thinking positive and moving forward. It's all I can do.
As you gman, I will always love him. But after his dad died, he lost his mind. I'll love him from a far and hope the best for him.

Until the next round...

Treasur · « **Reply #43 on:** February 11, 2019, 03:23:06 PM »

Mrs S, I think you've hit your marvellous detached LBS sweet spot now...it's not quite Meh but it's a moment of Enough...I love you...but take your s&it away from my door now. Just like gman says, tired of the crazy BS and prefer life without it.
It's a rather nice spot isn't it?
As you say "he lost his mind, I'll love him from afar and hope the best for him". Plus I'd suggest a good dose of 'and even more of the best for me as I've actually done the hard work to get here'
Almost exactly the words I would use about my xh too.

Sam I Am · « **Reply #44 on:** February 12, 2019, 12:07:05 PM »

Glad you are still smiling and you bounced back from a frustrating time! Keep moving forward!

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #45 on:** February 13, 2019, 07:17:45 PM »

Hi all.
Thanks Sam, I am definitely stronger each day.
H only contacts me when it benefits himself. Still selfish but right now I just want taxes filed and a consent decree done and it to be finalized.
I'm worth a lot more than the way he treats me and so is S. Karma will hit slowly. It already has in some ways. His marbles are in the wrong line right now.
I'm just tired of it all and want to live peacefully. If I have to play nice than that's what I will do till the last day.
Tomorrow is Valentines and 1 year ago he walked out. So we've been in this now for almost 8 years.
If my calculations are right.

So I wish everyone A Happy Valentines day, if i could i would have everybody here that way nobody has to go through it alone!

Until the next round!
Keep the faith

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #46 on:** February 17, 2019, 06:15:13 AM »

Good Sunday morning! I'm trying to figure out where Saturday went, it seems i was on the move since 4am .

Went up to get H to put his signature on a few things, he was outside on his phone. Motioned what I needed and he just shook his head. As I turned around he had walked clear across the sidewalk so I didn't hear his secret conversation lol. Possible 2nd OW?
He moaned and groaned about the vehicle as usual . Claiming he worked 9 hours and had to walk 2 hours to get home. Because OW was looking for a job. What? At 6 in the evening ? Oh ok. Lies...
H said hello to S. I told him this vehicle thing needs to be taken care of. H told me to go get something and he would cosign..
Um, no. So my friend and I spent the rest of the day looking for something that is practical and affordable. I was surprised I found something. But by myself without H I bought it. Yay for me. Now S and I can hit Disneyland soon!
Now to tell H to come pick up this one. I can't stand to be in his presence longer than a few minutes.
Funny how things change.

I am excellent today, I had skipped the gym yesterday, so I was back at it today. I love that time by myself.
Then it's back to my projects.
One goal completed, the vehicle. Now taxes and the final consent decree.
Then I can pretty much stop holding my tongue, I'll always be nice, that's in my nature. I just don't have it in me to hurt others.
Kindness goes a long way! But I will enjoy not having to listen to his lies. Still feel bad for S. But that time will come too. Karma, its coming.
A wonderful Sunday to all!
Hugs around the globe!

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #47 on:** March 05, 2019, 07:14:08 PM »

Hi all!

It's been a few weeks since I have been here. I have vacation rounding the corner and with the place up north now, I'm packing up and heading out this weekend. We went and played in the snow 2 weeks ago. S's first time seeing it. It was amazing. It was such a nice get away.
Things are progressing slowly. H and I are getting along and had a nice discussion last week before he went on vacation. H explained to me that it's all new to him, that he is learning how to do things since he has never had to take care of anything in 20 years. I guess I can be proud of his progress when it comes to being an adult and being responsible. That's about all I am proud of. I'm glad that he is growing up. Slowly.
I'm just living my life the best way I know how.

My first step was to let go of things I could not control. Yet another change in my life. Having to give up a vehicle. I know it might be monetary for some. But just the meer thought of OW in my vehicle made me cringe. I know that what I'm doing by buying a new vehicle will just benefit me in the long run.
I hope. I know I had to be practical instead of whiny.

Change is never fun. But we go through it and what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. At this point I should be as strong as the Hulk.
S and I had a good talk tonight. We talked about choices and the journey we are on through out our lives. I explained to him even at his young age, he is not in control of other people's happiness. It's not his job to fix anyone. His concern is his future and finding the right path for him and not anyone else.
We discussed true love. He didn't understand how I could say H was the true love of my life ( I can say that because it's actually true) and call him an a** at the same time. I explained to him his behavior and the disrespect is where he can be an a** , but it doesn't mean that he isn't and always has been the true love of my life. Even if the love I have for him now is different than what I once shared with him.

I told S that it was not my responsibility to fix things between him and his dad. That would come in time when S was ready. But to understand that it takes two to build a relationship. If S was not ready, it was okay.

As for me, I'm okay, work, school, and my new business now keeps me busy. I'm moving forward and enjoying every brand new day that is given to me.

Enjoy the day today, remember 365 days 365 new chances.
Keep the Faith.

Sam I Am · « **Reply #48 on:** March 14, 2019, 07:01:15 AM »

Wow...awesome that you and your son are close so that you can prepare him for life. Hopefully, MLC stops with your H!

Sorry...been away awhile and just catching up!

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #49 on:** March 17, 2019, 07:27:25 AM »

Hi all, Sam totally okay. Lives get busier once we focus on what's important. Which is ourselves.
I've started reading new books, not so much self help books but books to help me gain knowledge on everything from toxic people to paving the way. I am an extremely positive person and always want the best for others, however, I still need to focus on me and my journey.
I changed out all the pictures on my walls. It took me a year to get rid of the last one which was me H and S at S graduation. It was time. I put up fresh brand new pictures of our adventures the past month with the peace up North.

As for H, well not much change, he has shown a bit of the old H I remember through text. Has even responded to a text or two from me. H even said that he hoped that S and I had a really good time up north.
H called me yesterday, but I didnt answer since I was in the middle of a 12 hour day midterm I was trying to complete. I did text and tell him Sorry i missed your call hope all is good.
I no longer battle the stage and play in my head that has circled for months. Each quiet moment thoughts seem to go acting out what i would say to him if it meant there would be no backlash. I know that wont happen. So I've worked hard at filling the space with positive thoughts and where my own journey is going to lead me I hope.
Every day is a new chance to make it how I want.
Vacation has come to a close for me. I'm glad to go back to work.

Hope everyone finds strength in their own journey.
Life does get better even when you're living through your spouses MLC.

Keep the faith
365 new days 365 new and wonderful chances!

Until the next....

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #50 on:** April 01, 2019, 08:16:04 PM »

Hi all, It's been awhile since I've been here. I had a free moment and wanted to send out my wishes that everyone is doing ok.
I'll just do a quick update, as I have a lot of homework pending.

S and I escape every other weekend up North. It is absolutely wonderful. We had a ton of friends and family up there. Loved every moment
of it. I however was a little under the weather, but still enjoyed everyone. S wants to permanently move now. S is good, college and work.

H is back cycling again. I read my last post where he was actually responding to me and we are back to silence again. Our consent decree was filed
today with the courts. So now we wait 2 weeks or so for the judge to sign off on it and we are then divorced. Surprisingly I am doing okay. I remain
positive with a lot of faith and continue to hope the best. Even for H.
Our last encounter was not exactly nice. H was in his mood of "poor me" and that he is only out to make everyone happy etc etc.
We were to sign the paperwork and this was the second time that I drove out there to get it done. We were talking normally and I said to H lets just get it signed so we can be done. Well he had a minor tantrum and as i turned around to walk he pushed me from behind and barked out "lets go". I stopped for a second and said do not push me. H tossed his information at the notary. Signed and walked away. The notary just looked at me and said he has a lot of anger just the way he approached her. She told me I was "better off" without that mess.
I was still upset way into the night and the fact he put his hands on me and let the emotions of what he did run through me. I've taken many deep breaths. Just amazed that this is what it has come to.

I continue to have faith in myself and in my journey. I know that I am a much better person now and know exactly what I will no longer tolerate.

I just want to move on. Smile and see others around me smile. I know that I am a good person, it just really sucks when someone that you know treats you less than who you have been for so many years. My heart is heavy and my thoughts run a lot lately. But I know that it's just a moment. This too shall pass.

Karma...It happens.

I hope all is okay with others.
Have Faith all.

Until the next round.....

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #51 on:** April 16, 2019, 05:19:06 AM »

Good morning,

I hope everyone is doing as best as they can.
There isn't much to report as I have continued to move on. H stopped by last night to finally sign tax papers. I keep forgetting that it's not my time that we are dealing with, it's his. We had a general conversation. He bugged me. Not sure why this time. Maybe it was because of that pompas attitude that he carries that "everything is just fine". Or the fact that he said he was no longer living in the past. Yet looks like he is 16. H went to some venue concert and I'm all about music. But he showed me this picture and I just looked at it like, oh ya, 16 yrs old. As he was flipping the bird in it.
H told me that he filed for divorce because he is selfish and it was time he thought about himself.
I said maybe you should have stuck with counseling, as it does show it helps. H told me that it wouldn't have helped him. He doesn't live in the past anymore.
He went to see S who was in the back room. A whole 2 minutes with S after not seeing him for a month. What a guy.

It always takes me days to recover after one of his visits. Where I question everything.
I don't understand how they can act out such a play of this "life" they believe is wonderful.

Oh well...
Have a great day all.
Hugs across the world.
Keep the faith

readytofixmyselffirst · « **Reply #52 on:** April 16, 2019, 05:35:45 AM »

Quote

Well he had a minor tantrum and as i turned around to walk he pushed me from behind and barked out "lets go".

I am so sorry. No one has the right the right to put their hands on you in anger.

Quote

H told me that it wouldn't have helped him. He doesn't live in the past anymore.

Yet you dress like a teenager. Hmmm. Still trying to resolve issues from your past. Actions do speak louder than words.

Quote

He went to see S who was in the back room. A whole 2 minutes with S after not seeing him for a month. What a guy.

Once again, he's not a man- he's a little boy.

I feel sorry that his contacts with you are so troubling. Focus instead on the things that you do control. Your own state of mind, your interactions with your son, your life- that allows him to go on his journey.

Acorn wrote: Healing is a journey of one. Both of you need to heal.

((((Hugs))) and more ((((Hugs)))

Ready

gman242 · « **Reply #53 on:** April 16, 2019, 05:43:16 AM »

Quote

But he showed me this picture and I just looked at it like, oh ya, 16 yrs old. As he was flipping the bird in it.

a couple years ago, W was chatting it up with S's scoutmaster and she had sent him pics of her and OM at a football game doing the same thing.. flipping the bird and giving that IDGAF sticking my tongue out face. All I can say is hope you're happy and destroying everyone's life was worth it. You two cheating low lifes deserve each other.

It really is a gift though.. you, we, us now have the chance to make our life the way we want it and I guarantee we're seeing and doing through much clearer eyes.

Treasur · « **Reply #54 on:** April 16, 2019, 05:52:49 AM »

And this is the benefit of contact bc it shows us what they are now and how their magic happy has not restored them to being a sane adult or parent.
And this is why limited contact becomes a great choice for many LBS isn't it?

We see that they simply bring nothing useful or good to our table I think.
Press on, Mrs S, on the sane side of the street

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #55 on:** April 16, 2019, 11:51:34 AM »

I still just sit there and look at him telling me he doesnt lvive in the past anymore. Only thing matters is now and moving on. I dont know if I believe what he says. Or if this really is all part of the mlc. I said to him if he never works through his past he will remain running. That's when he told me that he doesnt live in the past.
Takes a few days to get back on my path after visiting him. Maybe it's a dark thing of still wanting to fix the problem. Who knows.

Treasur · « **Reply #56 on:** April 16, 2019, 12:01:38 PM »

I think all MLCers must get 'moving on' tattooed on their body somewhere....
Part of your feeling is bc they are bonkers, Mrs S, and exposure to bonkers is always unsettling.

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #57 on:** April 16, 2019, 06:51:03 PM »

Divorce papers came today. It's final. 23 yrs of marriage done.
Not sure where my head is.
Just not sure.

Disillusioned · « **Reply #58 on:** April 16, 2019, 09:20:13 PM »

I'm sorry that you are hurting right now. We're all here for you.

Treasur · « **Reply #59 on:** April 16, 2019, 10:39:04 PM »

I'm sorry, Mrs S. it is a cold hard thing to process.
Others here reminded me of two things.
That MLC trumps divorce and will not magically fix your h....nor prevent him wanting to reconcile down the road if thatbis what happens....but many MLCers do believe 'moving on' and feeling better needs them to burn every bridge.
That in a funny way, life often gets easier for the LBS when the divorce stuff is over. It doesn't change how we feel perhaps, but it gives us a freedom from legal stuff, less uncertainty and the ability to engage with the MLC rollercoaster or not entirely as we wish.
But I am sorry bc it was never what any of us wanted and it takes time to work out how we feel about it when it happens. And truthfully, it does happen to many of us here.

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #60 on:** April 17, 2019, 05:37:57 AM »

I was ok. It just hit me once I stopped moving.
Havent stopped crying as I just got up and started again. If you remember what that moment first felt like when they left. That's where I feel I went back to. I haven't even begun to get ready for work as I feel like I'm frozen back in another time.
Head and heart is very heavy.

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #61 on:** April 19, 2019, 06:12:53 AM »

Good morning!
365 new days 365 new chances.
I am much better. I have heard from exh a multiple of times with phone calls since the divorce was final. Grasshopper believed that the spousal maintenance would be what he determined that week or what he wanted to give and on top of that directing me where to use it. As in paying a credit card bill or paying his insurance. After reading this from him. I couldnt help but SMH and think are you delirious? I asked him in text if he was aware our divorce was final. That according to the judge this is what you get to pay and no it doesnt go towards your share of the bills. SM is income for me, to live on. He continued to respond and then started to spew out all his anger in text. I kindly said, this is what you owe . You can drop it off or mail it and until you can speak to me with respect please do not text/call me while I'm working and treat me in this manner. Clearly he is so far gone, I dont even think a tractor could pull him out.
I have cleared my head, realized my self worth and value and know that my life and my choices are no longer determined by what he says.
I'll be just fine. I'm strong and determined to make my life just the way I intend it to be.
Hugs!

Treasur · « **Reply #62 on:** April 19, 2019, 06:29:37 AM »

Ah, Mrs S...the universe just showed you that MLCness trumps divorce which is a bit of a useful gift imho.

His POV? Ridiculous.
Your response? Perfect.
Right now, you have more to gain from the legal and financial freedom from an MLC man. They just bring nothing good to the table, so you are now free to choose where to pitch your own table and how far away you want to be as you say.
You are doing just fine. It is a big change but honestly the marriage (or the bit that mattered) WAS blown up at BD and the residue makes it harder to detach. Or that is what I found. And the future? Who knows...but your future is in safer saner hands now that your MLC h is no longer involved.

Mrs.Smiling · « **Reply #63 on:** April 20, 2019, 04:20:22 AM »

Thank you Treasur, I do agree with you about the financial and legal freedom. I know that in time I will do the right thing by me and not by what he dictates. Freedom is a word that means so many other things. Case in point - I went out last night and was having an excellent time. My phone vibrates and it's Grasshopper. Wanting to know if i was home and then Texting me saying he needs a place to stay. Okay yes my brain went on freeze. What? So i said to him, I'm not home, i'm out right now, but if you need a place to stay that's fine. I'll meet you there. Well, I wasn't about to stop my evening just because he was in my driveway. It doesn't work that way. So I told him I'd be on my way in a bit. He text me again wanting to know if i was on my way. He was going to leave. Like this mattered at all to me. He then calls me and starts telling me what a nice guy he is. That he is a nice guy to everyone. Honestly I can't even remember the rest of what he said. I just told him I'd be there in a bit. I got to the house and of course he wasn't here.
Nor responds to my text. Freedom, freedom from being at someone else's beck and call....Weird? VERY!

UrsaMajor · « **Reply #64 on:** **Today** at 04:45:06 AM »

Uh.... Your divorce is final...

And he calls YOU 3 days later because HE needs a place to stay?

If there was EVER a better-fitting case for "Not my circus, not my monkeys, not my problem" I have yet to see it....

"I hear the bridge on 32nd street is pretty nice this time of year... "

Treasur called it there... MLC trumps D ... I'm thinking that he hasn't quite grasped the concept of what D actually means... That mean old Mr. Reality is quite the Buzz killer...