Author Topic: My Story When you let go...you are truly free  (Read 4122 times)

Offline Mrs.SmilingTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 689
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: When you let go...you are truly free
« Reply #100 on: August 13, 2019, 08:46:01 PM »
Thanks UM, the more you listen to what they say and take the personal out of it. The more you realize what they are trying to do. He is clearly in crisis
mode and projecting.
I feel bad for S22. But there isn't much I can do. Speaking of S22, tonight he made Asst Manager at his job. I'm a pretty proud mama!
This is such an achievement for a young adult with Asperger's. I'm very proud of him!.

As for me, I continue to hope the best for exh. I found myself today while I had made a comment about him, I called him my husband. Weird to know
that we aren't married anymore.
But no sad stories here. It is what it is. I've lost quite a bit the past 2 years, it's amazing the strength you find through out all the things you go through.

I continue to let go and let god. I also know that my sister is up there next to God helping exh find his way.
One day...
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Offline Sam I Am

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1611
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: When you let go...you are truly free
« Reply #101 on: August 14, 2019, 12:01:26 PM »
Mrs.  I can so relate to some things you said:

Quote
I do think about him, I really do hope that God helps him find his way through. My exh is a good man deep inside, it's his character that's not so good.
I will always Love my exh. No matter what. My gut tells me that he will be okay, he will get through this in his own time.

and

Quote
I've lost quite a bit the past 2 years, it's amazing the strength you find through out all the things you go through.

I still remember the first time you reached out to me and what you said to me.  I am glad you have been here the last two years (almost in my case).  Friends like you make this journey much more tolerable.

Congrats to Son!  That is awesome!  You should be proud!  He should be too!

Take care of yourself!  Sam!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Mrs.SmilingTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 689
  • Gender: Female
Re: When you let go...you are truly free
« Reply #102 on: August 15, 2019, 04:45:55 AM »
Thanks Sam! It has been a long time. But that's what we have right now is time. I learn every day. I have a coworker who's husband is having small tantrums over small things. She has a feeling that he is having an affair and is ready to play detective. She said his demeanor has changed and he doesn't act like the man she married 19 years ago.
I realized that when talking to her, how much I've grown and how much I've learned over this time and just gave her a few things to ponder and remember to continue taking care of herself. The journey I've been on has been exhausting, challenging and a constant battle it seems. But I have found strength inside to not only continue to move forward, but strength to help others in RL.

You have been a wonderful friend Sam. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't find this home and have so many people understand exactly what it was I was going through. My most challenging moments I have brought here and have had my eyes opened up beyond the crisis to be able to keep the focus on me and S22.

I hope that one day, as he works through his crisis and appears again that we will connect in a way that God intended. To be friends. To enjoy our S22 and all the trials he will go through in life and just be happy.

Hugs around the world.
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Offline Mrs.SmilingTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 689
  • Gender: Female
Re: When you let go...you are truly free
« Reply #103 on: August 22, 2019, 05:07:53 AM »
Hi Everyone,

Life doesn't stop ever, especially when you are continuing to deal with a midlife crisis man. Last I heard from exh was the 9th of this month.
It's been quite, can't help but think about him and hope that he is safe.
It's a continuing learning experience. I actually had a dream about exh. When we were first together so many years ago, we were living with my parents until our place was ready. So it was weird that the dream was in my parents house. He was sitting on the floor with S22 next to him (S22 was maybe 5 yrs old) My sister (the one who passed 2 years ago) was behind him laying there covered up. I came out of the back room and exh was crying, I asked him what was wrong, he said that he had been crying over me all night and he can't stop. That he doesn't know what's wrong.

Weird...

Anywho, I'm working as usual, trying to keep my mind occupied. Spoke with S22 last night, asked if he had heard from exh. He said no. I said to him that he might want to reach out see how he is doing. (Exh threatened suicide, wanting to die etc etc to me) S22 said why, he takes weeks to respond to me.
I told him I understand his feelings, but his dad had been trying to reach out. That was the end of that conversation.

I hope everyone is well, keep strong, what doesn't kill ya makes ya stronger. At least I tell myself that every day.

Hugs to all around the globe.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2019, 05:15:28 AM by Mrs.Smiling »
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Offline Mrs.SmilingTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 689
  • Gender: Female
Re: When you let go...you are truly free
« Reply #104 on: August 24, 2019, 12:51:17 PM »
 A quick question as I am a little torn over what to do.
There is N/C with exh. I do not initiate anymore.
As many know, my father was diagnosed with Stage 3 cancer and has gone through radiation twice with no sign of the cancer backing down. We are now at the diagnosis of 6 months or less.
My father and exh were very close and exh was always the number 1 son in law as the other 2 were just well...not up to par with my father.
Since I have no contact with him do I initiate contact to let him know of the diagnosis?
I have a family member coming in to say his goodbyes and I feel as if exh should at least know.

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9034
  • Gender: Female
Re: When you let go...you are truly free
« Reply #105 on: August 24, 2019, 01:02:01 PM »
Do you know what your father would like you to do? Can you ask him? I'm tempted to say that this is not about you, but between your father and your each so your father's wishes matter most. I am sorry that you are in the final straight and I hope that it goes with as much grace and peace as possible. It is a hard and complicated thing, I know.

If not, my call fwiw, is I would give your xh the basic facts and let him choose if he wants to do anything to contact your father directly. Give him the relevant info he needs to do that if he chooses so it removes you from the mix. But only as long as neither you nor your father will be too upset if he does nothing which is what MLCers tend to do in this kind of situation.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Mrs.SmilingTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 689
  • Gender: Female
Re: When you let go...you are truly free
« Reply #106 on: August 25, 2019, 06:05:10 AM »
I spoke with my mom about all of it. She basically agreed with me and said she didn't know if it would register with exh due to the state of mind he is in.
I agreed. But told her, that if something happened quickly with dad, I didn't want him to at least have an opportunity to reach out in this case. So I went ahead and just sent a short text to exh. Explaining what was going on and that I had remembered he asked me at one point to promise I would tell him about dad before anything happened. That was it. I kept it quite simple. Of course since exh has me blocked, my communication is through sending a text by S22. I told him I don't expect a response but at least he knows.

Have a wonderful Sunday. Thank you!
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Offline Mrs.SmilingTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 689
  • Gender: Female
Re: When you let go...you are truly free
« Reply #107 on: August 26, 2019, 05:06:53 AM »
Another Monday...
There is not much excitement in my part of the world. We had our family dinner last night and I was able to see my nephew for the first time
in about 6 years. I looked around at all the kids, my parents, my remaining sister and brother in law. Just sat for the moment, taking it all in.
I watched my dad for awhile, he would every once in awhile look my way and wink at me. He knows. He knows that in the back of my head, I miss
the old exh. I miss him at our family dinners. I miss him joking and laughing with the kids. I miss his voice. For me, to be this far, to have grown, to be where I am today, I hold no resentment, I hold no fear, hate or anger. I hold kindness and compassion. I can smile now when I think of exh. I can smile when i look at a picture of us together. Because those are my memories...And now a fresh path, a new journey in my life. I hope and pray that down the road, that will include my exh. Maybe...

Until the next time...
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

Offline Sam I Am

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1611
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: When you let go...you are truly free
« Reply #108 on: August 28, 2019, 06:10:32 AM »
Mrs.

First of all, sorry about your Dad.  My heart breaks for you and your Mom.  Keeping your family in prayers.

Second.....I had a situation with my Dad last year while H was "away".

Like you, my H was a son to my Dad.  I also debated.  I decided to inform him. 

I sent him a short no BS text that just gave the facts.  Just discovered XXXX in Dad.  He goes to the Dr. next week for info.

H wrote back and asked date and time.  He followed up on that date for the diagnosis.

I made the decision to let him know because if I didn't and I didn't get H a chance....I didn't want regret or hard feelings later.

Him reaching out to your Dad is his decision and his alone.  Your decision is to give him the opportunity to make that decision or to take it away from him by not informing him.

You have to do what is best for you and what you can live with. 

You will make the right decision. 
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Mrs.SmilingTopic starterTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 689
  • Gender: Female
Re: When you let go...you are truly free
« Reply #109 on: August 31, 2019, 07:07:38 PM »
I did tell exh about dad. I let him know about his condition and what was to be expected. Cancer, no more radiation, 6mths or less. That was all I could say as I can't even muster up the feelings of not having my dad here. We've been lucky to have him as long as we have. He is a strong man who has endured so much.
I'm struggling tonight, as I have so much homework to do, I'm finding it very hard to concentrate. My mind is going to exh and that I miss him like it was BD just yesterday. It comes in waves. Little things seem to trigger it. The neighbors having a get together. My other neighbors happily retired enjoying life.
My S22 who's world grows every day and he seems less to needing mom. Too much time on my hands...

I realized that being positive about things is very draining. I find that being positive with those around me is easier than being positive for myself. I know what I've been through. I know what S22 has been through. I sit here and think about exh and hope somewhere in his mind and in his heart there is still room in there for us.
A lot of rambling....
I think that all of us LBS's want our lives back, the family, our old spouses, the plan we had for our future. I just want a new life with exh in it. I know it's all about time. A long journey for our MLC spouses. I sit and question what happens if he doesn't come through? Will he? I feel his presence around.
He hasn't done a lot of things that would sever our connection (bills still in our name, truck still in our name). He has gone silent. Not even contacting S22 now. I just want contact. To reach out to him, I know better as I won't get a response. I wish I could just hug him. Like I used to.
Everything around me reminds me of him. I was having coffee with a friend this morning. As we sat on the couch, he sat where exh used to. That's the only thing I could think of..."You're sitting in exh's spot". I was worried what exh would think if he knew. Sadly all i could think was you need to move off that spot. (how sad)
I'm not sure what I need to do to get out of this moment. It sucks. Lately the only thing I can think of is exh. Is that because of the silence? Is that because I know he's hurting and I can't do anything about it. Is it because I just don't want to be "alone" anymore. Though I'm not alone. It just seems like it emotionally.
A rough saturday night...
I'm not perfect, I Love my exh.
Be the best version of yourself... there is no other

You cant break my spirit, its my dreams you take - James Blunt

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.