Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting The Heart Behind The Hurt.  (Read 4521 times)

Online Whyus

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My Story Reconnecting Re: The Heart Behind The Hurt.
« Reply #50 on: February 18, 2019, 11:24:33 PM »
Barbie, i am so happy that you enjoyed your time alone as that is not easy to deal with as a MLC. I understand your anxiety at H being away, we all get that im sure.
The fact that he seems to have his old laugh back speaks volumes about his Progress, another Little part has returned. Another Little part of Monster has been replaced by your H.

Your D sounds like an amazing Person (not just because of the Long curly hair  ;)). You must be ever so proud of her and the others of Course.

Your book will be just amazing, I know that already as you are not afraid to say what you feel which is just my thing.

As for the "Sickening shallow people ", they seem to be taking over. Its really shocking how unsensitive alot of People are.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: The Heart Behind The Hurt.
« Reply #51 on: February 19, 2019, 02:27:36 AM »
Barbie,

I love how you said ‘I’m going to be ok’ as I really felt it and believed it too. It’s a lovely place for you to get to as I can’t remember reading you sounding like that before. Maybe the time alone helped. Actually it was probably a HUGE help.

Not sure what you think about this but when Treasur said she has thinner skin I have been thinking recently I have thicker skin. I feel awful about the girl killed by her father but in a way I feel I don’t have the same depth of emotion I could give to this prior to BD. I feel like my heart has hardened and while it is a truly awful story I need to keep my emotions in check to deal with my life just now as I don’t have spare strength to use for that if that makes sense. I probably need to work more on myself when I re-read this. I love Treasur’s ‘moved to tears by kindness’. It made me realise that yes even with my heart of stone, I too feel like that.

Glad your H’s laugh has changed. My MIL said she thought my H’s voice had changed a few months ago so I do think it’s a thing. Hopefully you and your H can have lots of laughs ahead.

Your D becoming a Doctor makes total sense having such an awesome Mom.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Acorn

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Re: The Heart Behind The Hurt.
« Reply #52 on: February 19, 2019, 06:58:35 AM »
Laughing...  There is so much in that wordless sound. 
I know exactly what you mean.  I must say the return of real laughter told me more than any word or action that my H was truly healing.  Words can be faked, actions can be contrived, but not laughter.  It is the honest truth.  I’m so glad you were able to hear it.  I think having to focus on the sound, not sight, played a role here. 

Congratulations on your daughter’s academic success!  I rejoice with you, Barbie.

« Last Edit: February 19, 2019, 07:00:39 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline barbiedollTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Behind The Hurt.
« Reply #53 on: February 20, 2019, 09:16:04 PM »
Just thinking with words. Some thoughts I just want to be able to remember , so, I will just journal them here . Husband went to his therapy session tonight and he just came home. Must be close to 5 years now that he has been seeing this counsellor . They "work" on shame and individuation issues . That's really all I know about that . Unfortunately. Although this situation has greatly improved , I feel anxious when he comes home as he will not talk about any of it . I no longer ask ONE SINGLE THING and have not asked for months and months . I frequently make sure I am in bed as I find it very hurtful. Regardless, I am able to detach, accept and just leave it alone ...that is the way he wants it to be. Consequently, I do not talk to him about my therapy and what I am working on there . He does not ask ...because he does not want to be asked . So, I rely on my girlfriends to talk about my counselling , or here on HS. I believe that is a red flag and does not sit in my soul well at all. But it is what HE  has chosen for US and I cannot change it . He wins .. I settle , that's it. That how it feels right or wrong. Meaningful conversation is my highest love language ,my highest need and how I connect etc. He came home, told me about an accident on the highway, work tomorrow etc , and off to bed . It hurts me . But I do not react, pursue ...none of it. Just let it be. His silence is very scary to me . I guess it reminds me that he may well be capable of "not saying a word" if he was not "happy". Like he did before. Like all of these MLC men seem to do . None of us knew ... because they never spoke. Never told us .  And I resent that "he" picks how life will be for "me".   But this is it. Can you make a person talk?  No. Silence is power in many ways . It goes their way . He is a very avoidant person. They are dangerous ...you never know what they are thinking . I am not reactive  or angry or demanding . I am just paying attention to a "caution" that I feel.  I continue to practice detachment still and find ways to look after ME ...especially at times that it still hurts .

It occurred to me , as ridiculous as this is , his therapy "night" is very secret , no talking about it, it is always at night, I have never met the person he sees, I have never been there etc ....like some kind of secret affair . How wacked is that thinking ?? . Ugh




Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Online Whyus

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Re: The Heart Behind The Hurt.
« Reply #54 on: February 20, 2019, 10:55:10 PM »
That is really quite "wacked" Barbie but understandable for any LBS!
XW once said to me after BD "It will never work again with us. Everytime im 5 minutes late home you will be wondering where I am and I cannot put you through that".
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline barbiedollTopic starter

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Re: The Heart Behind The Hurt.
« Reply #55 on: February 22, 2019, 12:25:25 PM »
I spoke with my counsellor about having dreams all of a sudden , when I have had NO dreams for 5 years. In 5 years I remember 1 dream and it was unrelated to any part of this mlc mess. In the past week I have had 2 dreams about the OW and family members that I believe betrayed me . One was a good and trusted friend to me ...and mysteriously , I miss her. The dreams are so real ...horrible . They give me "questions" that I want to ask . More questions. But , what could possibly be the point of that? I just refuse to ask anything more about his "OW -fling". In the dream , she tells me that he is "coming back to her, that he promised " and other sexual statements .

The therapist tells me that this frequently happens and that some part of me knows I am stronger now and can "deal with more healing." . That it is actually a good thing. So, many of the things that I try to forget about, or block out of my mind ...will re-visit when I sleep ? I ... well, speechless. There's more movies and videos and scenes ...in my sleep. The nightmare will not end. I asked her if I should be telling him any of this about the "dreams" or just get on with it and keep it to myself . She asked me to give that some thought ...how would I like to handle it? How could he help me ? What do I need from him? She asked me to write the dreams down and bring it next week and we will discuss ways to deal with this .  I have NOT told him about these dreams ....



Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline OldPilot

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Re: The Heart Behind The Hurt.
« Reply #56 on: February 22, 2019, 01:44:04 PM »
I have had NO dream for 5 years.

Or none you can remember.

I have a fit bit that measures how much sleep I get each night, including how much REM sleep(which is dreaming) and
it measures that I am dreaming even if I can not remember them.

Offline Nas

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Re: The Heart Behind The Hurt.
« Reply #57 on: February 23, 2019, 01:43:23 AM »
I’m happy to hear that your therapist said the dreams are coming now because subconsciously, you know you’re stronger and can better deal with this horrid part of the whole mess.

I dreamt about my H twice in the earlier days, both after I had moved to a new state to start over. One dream was of him and OW arguing on a staircase. The other was of me holding my H by the ear and repeatedly slamming his face into the ground. In neither of those dreams did I see his face.

Then I had no dreams I could remember for almost two years during moving back home and cancer treatment. In the last month and a half I’ve had many dreams where H is involved. Last night was the first on where I almost saw his face. He was sitting on a chair across a huge lobby and he waved to me, a short tentative wave, kind of like you do when you’re not sure you recognize someone. I waved back, then realized it was him and was kind of mad at myself for waving back. The same thing happened again later in the dream.

Very strange. I do think our dreams mean a lot. I’m just not sure what. I’m so interested to read about yours and what your therapist has to say as well.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Online in it

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Re: The Heart Behind The Hurt.
« Reply #58 on: February 23, 2019, 04:33:38 AM »
Barbie
You are an excellent communicator and I would think trying to have a relationship with someone like your H may be pretty frustrating for you.
It's said women process by talking things out. Your H appears a more " keep to himself"

Regaining trust has got to be difficult.
 
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Nerissa

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Re: The Heart Behind The Hurt.
« Reply #59 on: February 23, 2019, 05:42:44 AM »
I agree that it must be beyond frustrating for you that he keeps it all secret.  I know he has been hurt in his past but i am sure it feels to you that it just isn’t good enough.  I’m sorry it’s so hard for you both.

 

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