Author Topic: My Story Rebuilding Replanted and Growing 3  (Read 2376 times)

Offline Savoir Faire

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My Story Rebuilding Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2019, 06:21:43 PM »
Hopefully your H can have these fixed soon, Azioni.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #11 on: February 01, 2019, 05:59:19 PM »
Surgery is tentatively scheduled for late next week.

Saw my IC. I'm having some conflicting issues I'm trying to work through. He had his A as I was dealing with painful surgical recoveries. So it is raising some upsetting issues that I need to confront and deal with. It's a revenge response I'm dealing with. Back story, I was left to deal with excruciating pain, waiting on h to bring home my script. But he was busy on phone with ow (found from phone records after bd). Not to mention all the time spent with ow while I greatly needed his assistance, but was left to struggle while he made time with ow. I know it isn't conducive for me, or him, to feel this way. It's the "get even" demon that is rearing its ugly head.
« Last Edit: February 01, 2019, 06:01:24 PM by Azioni »
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #12 on: February 02, 2019, 05:20:06 AM »
I am sorry Azioni that these triggers seem to go on and on and on. Out of the blue , some extremely entense at times , others just come to your awareness and float by. Years later we are so affected by the choices made by someone else. How unfair is that?.

My husband was diagnosed with stage 2 kidney cancer about 5-6 months after he returned home. Prior to that he had 4 surgeries for kidney stones ...that is how they found cancer. He came home straight out of hospital from chest pains and severe anxiety attacks apparently. For more than a year I "had" to look after him...unemployed, very sick and lying trickle-truth him. And I can tell you ...I was one angry nursemaid . I felt like I "lived" in 24 hour a day triggers ...because I did. Just to watch a nurse with her hands on him was trigger-making...no matter how illogical that was . I wonder what these OW's do with sick men?  Would she have cared for him sick with cancer, no money, sleeping round the clock, no chandelier swinging sex? He just was not that much fun anymore . Triggers still happen to me 5 years later and I believe likely forever. PTSD is something we can learn to manage, cope with, heal from in may ways ....but I am not convinced you ever are "cured". There are always going to be triggers...BUT they do soften over the years . Some times triggers just make me cry now instead of reactive rages. A very deep anguished sadness of all that has been lost . I am so glad you are seeing a counsellor because we do need help and insight as we try to heal.
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #13 on: February 08, 2019, 03:20:58 PM »
Very weird day.
H had surgery today. Came through fine. He's home and resting.

While in recovery,  maybe it was the meds, he began to finally break his silence about the time around the A. I mean really talk like he hasn't before.  Says he just doesn't understand how it all fell into place. That even 2 weeks before it happened,  it would be inconceivable for him. He just doesn't know why he made those decisions. Why he felt that I didn't love him, when looking back, I clearly did. It makes him sick to think of it all. That the ow was someone who is clearly a psychopath.  Someone who plotted and planned for the first opportunity to infiltrate themself and inflict damage to not only a M, but to systematically go after each member of the family to try to destroy them.The fact he exposed our kids to that person, brought her into our life, gave me an STD from her....is something he has not nor probably ever can forgive himself for. He just continued on and opened up as never before. Said he started thinking all this last night before surgery. I admitted that surgery is a trigger for me, and he says he now has a better understanding of how those feel.

You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #14 on: February 08, 2019, 11:28:36 PM »
Drugs or no, the dam has been broken and that can only be positive I think. With his admissions, he can now begin the process of forgiving himself and forging a new future....

That's sometimes the hardest part of the whole end game for the former Mid-Lifer and it's where weaker ones turn and bolt headlong back into the tunnel....
Me - 56
STBXW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #15 on: February 16, 2019, 01:23:27 AM »
Crazy week. Work, shuttling our oldest around (since he doesn't drive-by that is a different story :) ) , plus keeping 3 big dogs out of our room so they don't step on his abdomen. The pups don't understand why they cant be with their daddy. Then Wednesday night H started with a fever.  It took a few hours to break, but I stayed up most of the night monitoring.  So I took off the next day. Thursday we saw dr and he thinks it was not surgically related.  Everything looked good. But H still had chills, but no fever into Thursday night. Late Thursday I hit burn out with exhaustion.  Took off Friday too. So no Valentine for us.

The last part was almost a relief. I hate getting cards since BD. I think Hallmark is missing a huge market in the post-infidelity. Cards remain a huge speed bump that I cannot navigate without either sarcasm or trigger depending upon the day. It just seems so disingenuous after it all, so sappy. I used to love these things. I do know what killed it. It was the first bday card post BD, just 6 weeks post BD. H wrote these beautiful sentiments in what I thought was beginning of steps towards R. During my FBI phase, found out he was with OW again the very next day despite telling me he was NC. Contact continued for another month until true NC was then established. I'm not sure I will ever be a true Hallmark shopper again.

Meantime,  H is doing better.  Even though he hurts a bit still, he did bring me breakfast in bed Friday morning.  A bowl of oatmeal. He said I looked exhausted Thursday so he wanted to make sure I ate. Especially since I kind have missed meals here and there running around to make up the slack with work/kids.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #16 on: February 16, 2019, 11:20:46 AM »
Shouldn't post so early in the morning. Especially without my glasses. :P It's our youngest who doesn't drive. He just doesn't feel comfortable with that part of adulting yet.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #17 on: February 16, 2019, 11:50:41 AM »
Shouldn't post so early in the morning. Especially without my glasses. :P It's our youngest who doesn't drive. He just doesn't feel comfortable with that part of adulting yet.

That's my middle s25
M 57
H 57
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline AzioniTopic starter

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #18 on: March 09, 2019, 05:33:37 PM »
Its been a hectic few weeks. Loads of work at work.

We made a decision.   We are selling the vehicle he drove OW around in. Have already begun looking for best way to get the most money for it. The goal is to have it gone sometime this month.  This has been a proverbial thorn of a trigger. Our youngest originally wanted it, since it is paid off,  but recently changed his mind.

I'm so glad to get rid of the last of the material things. Our home was a new build, new furniture in it, and new cars; all post BD. So this is last "thing" we have from that time.
You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only option!!

"Anger will never disappear as long as thoughts of resentment are cherished in the mind. Anger will disappear just as soon as thoughts if resentment are forgotten." -- Buddhist quote

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Replanted and Growing 3
« Reply #19 on: March 09, 2019, 11:38:54 PM »
I'm glad you're selling the car.

I agree with the Hallmark dilemma. Too many with the words "always" and "forever" and their synonyms.

 

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