Author Topic: My Story Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope  (Read 3923 times)

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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My Story Re: Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope
« Reply #120 on: July 09, 2019, 08:26:39 PM »
Very busy Faith, but all lovely, fun family and friend activities, sounds great! Hope the jewellery is a little bonus for you 🙂

Thank you CLG!

Yes, you're a busy gal, FW! 

I have noticed the jewelry posts on FB.  There are some lovely pieces. 

How is the new job going?  Are you liking it? 


Thanks SB!  New job is going great.  I was so surprised to see that after a month I got another little raise.  Enough to pay for my portion of S14's braces I think.   :)  I really like it.  Everyone is super nice and seem to be very thrilled that I am working there.  I have a had a few slow days but I think that's because it's July and school's aren't in session.  Things will definitely pick up as everyone gets back from their Summer break.  I haven't shed too many tears over not getting a Summer break along with them.  I tell everyone that if I were home, teenagers sleep in until noon and are super cranky when they wake up, so I leave with a sense of purpose in the morning with my little pretty lunchbox and a happy smile on my face and leave a checklist of chores for them to do and by the time I get home at 4 they are cheerful, happy to see me, and most of the chores are done.  Plus there is still daylight and warmth from 4-dusk so plenty of time left to do a few things.  Can't complain!

Sounds like you are doing well FW. Your D and mine are the same age. Both doing odd jobs and getting used to their new wheels.  It is a magical age. 

I love me some jewelry... I might have to check out your FB page!!   

It is a magical age, isn't it?  Oh to be 17 and carefree again!  Reminds me of that song by Deana Carter - Strawberry Wine. 

Come on over and check out the bling!
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope
« Reply #121 on: July 10, 2019, 11:20:14 AM »
Al lot less guilt working full time with teenagers. I have the same routine.... leave the sleeping teenagers and dog with a to do list and get home once the chores are done and they are all less cranky. Haha!  I am trying to get into work earlier so I can get home a little earlier and have some time to hang out in the evening but I am NOT a morning person. 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope
« Reply #122 on: July 15, 2019, 01:48:39 PM »
DF I'm not a morning person either.  Don't think I ever have been except when I was forced to get up at 5am and weed the 1/2 acre garden on the farm before it got too hot.  For a while I was getting up and doing a 5am workout at the gym and it felt good but I much prefer getting my sleep and working out later in the day as I am just not good at going to bed early.
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope
« Reply #123 on: July 15, 2019, 01:52:59 PM »
Well I'm currently sitting here on the couch looking after D17 who got all 4 of her wisdom teeth removed earlier today.  She seems to be doing well.  So far she's had the gauze out, ate some Hagen Daas strawberry ice cream and taken 2 ibuprofen.  She is re-watching Season 2 of Stranger Things. 
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope
« Reply #124 on: July 15, 2019, 02:55:34 PM »
Original Post moved to Finding Joy's Thread per request of FJ - UM
« Last Edit: July 22, 2019, 07:38:45 AM by UrsaMajor »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope
« Reply #125 on: July 15, 2019, 02:57:28 PM »
I’m so sorry!  I just updated my post on yours:). Will someone please move it!

Done - I have posted it to your thread but it looks like I wrote it so I put a note in that I had moved it from this thread - UM
« Last Edit: July 22, 2019, 07:39:44 AM by UrsaMajor »
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 38
BD-October 10 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), I believe he is on to OW 2(PA)
BD 2-March 2019-He is getting an apartment

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope
« Reply #126 on: July 15, 2019, 08:02:32 PM »
No worries Finding Joy!  It happens.  I don't know if you can go back in and edit it but you might be able to cut and paste it and put a generic reply in return.  If not, I bet a moderator can move it for you.  Otherwise, you can just leave it and post it again in your thread.  It's all good!

I was thinking today about what a people person I have always been.  Over the years I have moved to be more and more like my h as we often do in marriage.  I always wanted to be the neighborhood hangout house and have lots of good friends, but h never wanted extra kids or family friends.  He comes across as an extrovert in public, but really he gets(or used to get), all of the interaction he needed at work.

So, before the kids and I had groups of friends we hung out with during the day while h worked, and if I let the neighborhood kids in, they left when h arrived.

So, now that he is gone it is much more common for the neighborhood kids to come inside to play.  I can see me doing quite a bit of entertaining once we no longer live on a base.  I guess that is a positive, I can live how I prefer to live vs how h preferred to live.  I prefer to have a bit of land, but in a Master planned community and h prefers to have land without a community.

Now, I am the only one with a vote.  Also, the neighborhood I have in mind to live in is a full 1 hr drive to h’s work in TX.  I would not have chosen it because of that before.  So I guess if he ever did want to come home(and I allowed it) he will not just be living with the consequences of his choices, but the consequences of mine as well.  I no longer need to bend to his will and compromise. 

The thing is, I have only ever known marriage since I was 19.  I dated my h my senior year of High School.  So there will be a lot of healing and rediscovering of who I am and who I want to be.  I would not have chosen to be single, but now that I am(or will be), I will enjoy the good parts.  For the first time in 14 1/2 years I do not have any young children.  They are officially all school aged as of this fall.  So motherhood is still busy, but not all encompassing.

I am too much of a big picture thinker and planner not to recognize, this next few years may be the only time in my adult life that I am single.  Not dating, not married, just me.  This is my chance to focus on being the best version of me that I can be.  I now realize that the worst of this whole lbs thing is behind me.  I expect h to be ugly, nasty, vile even during his divorce.  But, I have so many good things in my life.  So much life left to live and so many people(though far away) that care about me and the kids.  I have spent so many years with young children, homeschooling, moving around as a military wife, being a wife, and the responsibilities that entails.  I now have a chance to focus on who I am and who I want to be.  In some ways that is a real gift.  Of course I wouldn’t wish the last many months on my worst enemy, of course I want an intact family and my h to be a whole person again.  That said, I see the good in all of this as well as the bad. 

Isn't it amazing some of the things we discover about ourselves through this journey?
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starter

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope
« Reply #127 on: July 15, 2019, 08:44:02 PM »
So a couple of things.

I am doing really well!  I really think I am.  I do have a few tender spots still that if I let my mind drift to them, I instantly tear up, so I am really trying to make new channels in my mind that don't automatically jump back to those hot buttons, you know?

I did have a bit of a triggering moment at the concert on Saturday night.  There was a couple in front of me with 2 boys, one about 12ish and the other maybe around 7 or 8.  The older one had this sensory chair he was sitting in and he stayed put.  The younger one was out of his seat a lot, which is to be expected, it's a concert!  I noticed that the Dad was very controlling.  He put the young sons chair in front of him and ordered him to sit down.  A bit of an argument ensued between them.  The Dad put his hands on the back of the boys neck and was chastising him in his ear.  You could tell that whatever was ensuing, the boy was quickly becoming deflated.  He went and sat in the chair after that.  Then later, he got up and sat on his Mom's lap.  The Dad pulled him off the mom's lap and made him go sit back in the chair.  From where I was watching, I didn't understand what the problem was.  Maybe because I was on the outside looking in, but to me it just seemed like the little boy wanted to be up dancing and then snuggle with his mother.  He wasn't doing anything that was bothering any of the other concert goers.  Anyway, I found myself majorly triggered as this was the way my H would act when we were out in public.  And I didn't understand it.  Later he told me it was because he had issues with large crowds and felt unhinged and so controlling us was his way of feeling like he had something under control, but it just upset the kids and I and it also made me feel like I was a child, to be controlled in such a manner.  It was very triggering for sure. 

I had fun with my friends at the concert, but afterwards, as I had come in a different vehicle and had to board a bus back to where I parked, I was alone and had an hour drive alone back to my town.  As I drove through my hometown which is about 45 minutes away from where I live now, this huge wave of nostalgia came over me.  It is such a bittersweet feeling.  Do you know the one that I describe?  Just this remembering of youth and this fierce longing for those bygone days.  Things just seemed so simpler then.  And then the rest of the drive I just missed my family being complete.  Yet, I really don't want back the old life entirely.  Watching that family at that concert I knew I didn't want to be like that again.  And I don't think I would be like that again.  I'm not the same.  I've changed.  And H would have to have changed too and adapt to who myself and the children are now.  We aren't the same people.

Yesterday at Church before service began, the Pastor asked the group a few questions that had some of us raising our hands in agreement.  He then called us up to have prayer over this specific thing and as I spoke with my prayer counselor I specifically asked her to pray for my children, as I worry about them the most.  Mainly what sort of impact divorce has on them.  The breaking of any generational curses and the like that can be a product of divorce.  I could sense that she had the spiritual gift of discernment as she prayed for me.  She would pray and then she would stop and speak to me about some of the things that she was hearing.  It was cool, a bit disconcerting, but left me really encouraged.  The first thing she said was that I didn't need to worry about generational curses because she could see that I had been praying for my family and that where my H dropped the covering of us, I had picked up that mantle and that I had myself and the kids covered in prayer.  She also was shocked when she said that I even was covering my xH in prayer and how amazing she thought that was.  She also said that she could see STRENGTH emanating from every part of me.  And how strong I was and that she could see a vision of me coming out of a desert place and that I don't belong there as my roots are deep, my branches are covered in fruit and that I am just flourishing.  She said if this is not my situation right now, be prepared as this seems to be preparing me for something huge to happen.  That God is moving me out of this place that I've been in the last few years and that the new Season is the best yet.

After Church my LBS friend and I were chatting.  She has had it rough.  Her and her xh were very involved in the Church, she works as the Book Store manager and he was also on staff with the grounds crew.  He had an affair, left the Church, and married the affair partner.  I want to say her BD was shortly after New Years a year before mine in January of '15 and he married the affair partner shortly after the D was final.  Then he and his affair partner had the audacity to come back to the Church where she works (he no longer does) and start attending.  The day that they first started attending was on my friend and his anniversary (which was Valentine's Day).  I remembered this as I stood there and saw them flaunt themselves on the campus and it made me very upset for her.  Since then they refuse to leave and go to a different Church and are just really in her face all the time.  It's horrible in my opinion.  Anyway, I was sharing with her an article (I might have shared it here already) that is a bit controversial but I was reading it and just really thought of her situation for sure (with regards to men who get re-involved with the church and present themselves as a great Godly married couple and people don't realize that they are affair partners before they were married.  Maybe I need to work on my judgmental side but it just bothers me, especially because there has been no remorse, no repentance.  There was even one day where my friend was having trouble with her van and they were still married and she asked him for some advice and the OW answered instead and told her "He is no longer your H and you are NOT his responsibility."  Oh it just made me spitting mad.  So here is the article if you haven't read it and would like to read it.  I would love to know your thoughts on it.  I know it is a bit controversial, but wow he hits the nail on the head in my opinion when he describes "social widow."  It just seems such an apt description for many of us LBS's and I feel that the article hits some key points.

http://www.garythomas.com/the-ongoing-sin-of-divorce/

Anyway, after she read the article and nodded along she steered the conversation towards questions about my MLCer and then she showed me his POF profile as it has popped up for her.  The picture he had was one of him sitting on his Harley that he picked up last year and has started riding and she said she honestly didn't recognize him at first and then asked me what I thought about him being on POF.  I told her honestly, when I think about it, this meme comes to mind and she laughed so hard when I pulled it up and showed it to her.  I told her that I had been praying that God hedge him in with thorns so that the only way he could go is back toward God.

Here is the Meme, she got such a kick out of it.

https://ifunny.co/video/theywaytheyalltookoffrunning-there-s-plenty-of-fish-in-the-sea-the-4zd7BKBm6
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Online Mitzpah

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  • How I long for your precepts! Psalm 119:40
Re: Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope
« Reply #128 on: July 16, 2019, 04:56:04 AM »
Faithwalker,

Thanks for that article. I can relate to it.

I am glad that you are doing good and having fun  :)

Interesting the spiritual insight/discernment the prayer counselor had - may the Lord indeed move you into a new season!!

M 57
H 57
S 27
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

 

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