Author Topic: My Story Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope  (Read 5032 times)

Offline Dumbfounded

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My Story Re: Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope
« Reply #140 on: November 01, 2019, 09:01:04 PM »
You got to see Rachel Hollis!! I love her.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope
« Reply #141 on: November 02, 2019, 06:50:40 AM »
I would also enjoy seeing Rachel Hollis.  I've read Girl, Stop Apologizing.  The library had a wait list of about 50 for her first book!     

BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope
« Reply #142 on: November 18, 2019, 08:52:24 PM »
Thank you everyone.  Nice to hear from you all.  I enjoyed your long entry Milly, thank you for putting so much time in typing it.  I remember that you and your S were struggling with his school and now here I am having similar struggles.  Does make one wonder if it is MLC related. 

Hey Sam, good to hear from you!  Hoping to catch up on everyone's stories soon.  I hope you are well also! 

And hey SS!  Good to hear from you. 

DF, Rachel Hollis was awesome.  Definitely enjoyed her.

SB, I need to read Girl, Stop Apologizing still.  It's on my list.  I've read the first one and have it.  I forgot to take my copy but they didn't have a signing opportunity anyway.  A few lucky stylists won a meet and greet and got a signed copy of Girl, Stop Apologizing.

Alright, on to the update...
We've had some more losses which is taking it's toll on my emotions.  I am very emotionally fragile right now.  We lost another student, one that was a kindergartner last year and I spent a great deal of my day with.  She was medically fragile, but that doesn't make her loss any easier to bear.  She had the sweetest spirit and it was hard enough walking away from her and the other kiddos and now she is no longer there to go at least see and love on.  Her funeral was Tuesday. 

A FB friend of mine who I grew up with through Church and was a year older than me in High School has lost her 18 year old son.  Last Saturday they went up on the mountain near us and took his Senior pictures.  Saturday night he was riding with no seat belt with 3 other boys in the back of his friend's car.  They were driving the country roads and speeding and the driver lost control and they rolled the car down a hill and into a ditch.  He was thrown from the vehicle along with the other back seat passenger, a 17 year old.  He was killed instantly and the 17 year old is in critical condition in the hospital.  The two boys in the front survived with minimal physical damage, but my God that driver will carry the emotional scars for the rest of his life I'm sure.  My friend is just devastated.  A single mama who's boy was her world.  Fair complected and freckle faced just like my S19.  The resemblance in the slideshow at the funeral was uncanny.  I never met him but went to the funeral yesterday to support his mama and to see some friends that came over for the funeral that I hadn't seen in a long time.  I can't stop crying about her loss.  24 years and a month ago (My Senior year at age 17) I wrecked my car in a similar fashion near the same area of my hometown and I don't understand how some walk away and some don't.  Lots of emotions swirling about inside me.  My kids have had to put up with a few (okay lots) of extra hugs and loves and I broke down today at work after texting S19 telling him that I NEEDED to see him this week.  My friend had no idea that would be the last time she saw her son alive.  No idea.

Work is crazy right now too.  We have some sort of stomach bug plowing through the school's like wildfire, most likely noro-virus and have shut down two school's temporarily in the last week to clean and disinfect and give time for student's and staff to rally.  School closures, lockdowns, shelter in places, those types of things always make my job super fun.  Even the news across the State thought they needed to call and pick up on the story.  Ugh.

The kid who parks next to my D at school hit her car a few weeks ago, so we've also been dealing with that.  I've mostly let D's F deal with it since the car is in his name.  She's currently not real happy as her car is in the shop being fixed and since she's too young to drive the rental car her F is driving the rental car while she is having to drive his SUV and she hates driving big vehicles.  She has to drive his car all week and then will be without wheels this weekend and into next week since the kids are off for Thanksgiving break next week.  She had a job interview today and I have my fingers crossed for her, but if she gets it we will have to do some vehicle maneuvering until she gets her car back which means most likely she will be taking me to work and I will just have to figure out how to get home if she goes to work before I get off work. 

And this year I don't have any of the kids for Thanksgiving so I'm rallying there.  I was fine with that, just fine but now, with the losses and being emotionally fragile, well, it sucks.  But I'll be fine.  I am headed to my brother and SIL's (the ones I lived with) for the day and they have asked me to bring their new favorite dish that I make for the 3rd year in a row.  I have a 4 day weekend and a couple of jewelry drops happening on Friday for Black Friday and Saturday for small business Saturday so I will be busy with my VIP group and doing my own shopping for Christmas and the like.

In other news, spent some time with MLCer and his family recently.  He's a lucky guy to have me as his ex-wife because he gets to see his kids on MY holidays, lol.  We went to ex-BIL and SIL's for Halloween.  S14 dressed up as Nick Miller/Pepperwood (anyone have any idea who that is?  ;)), D17 painted her face and her cousin had matching faces to be similar to the IT character and I went as Alice in Wonderland but ditched the blonde wig after a while as it was driving me bonkers.  SIL stumbled over introducing me to a friend who was there.  She introduced ex-H and then introduced me as S14 and D17's mom who used to be married to their Dad.  I laughed and said "so basically they were my inlaws and now they are my outlaws."  We laughed and it broke the awkwardness of the situation.  We all played Scattergories and lamented how late it was at 9pm since we all had to work the next day.  Halloween was my day, but ended with the kids at their F's for the night, but D17 had come over to the house to get some things so she volunteered to be my DD.  SIL always makes jello shooters at her Halloween parties, so I had a few of those but not enough to make me silly.  Plus I've learned from my genetic health screen that I'm a fast metabolizer of alcohol.  I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing lol.

Then last Sunday, MIL invited me to Grandmother's 80 something birthday, only Grandma couldn't make it as she ended up waking up that morning very sick with a bug and they wouldn't let her leave the nursing home so we partied without her.  We all assembled at xH's Aunt's house.  MIL, FIL, xH's cousin and her wife and cousin's 2 kids, and then xH and it was my weekend with the kiddos so S14, D17 and I came together and S19 was already over there when we got there.  xH brought some Coffee beer and handed me his can to drink as he wanted me to try it.  So I took a swig and handed it back to him.  It was pretty good.  FIL said his was too sweet for him with his diabetes so he gave me the rest of his.  S19, D17, S14, and xh's cousin's kid (who is 17 and like a daughter to me since her and D17 are best friends and I did daycare for her when she was little) and myself all played Phase 10 while MIL watched.  The rest were all in watching football.  The game ended with me winning, S19 pouting and refusing to reciprocate my hug because I stuck him in his phase too many times, and D17 telling me she didn't love me anymore.  All in good jest of course.  We are ruthless when it comes to cards I tell you.  I broke out in a rendition of "This is the Song that never ends" but with "This is the game that never ends - some fools started playing it not knowing what it was"

So yes, we are spending time in the same houses, and I am in a very good emotional place when I am around MLCer now, but it's all pretty superficial.  Nobody really talks about the tough stuff.  Once in a while he would shuffle in from the other room and make some comments now and then about our card game or tease the kiddos but there is nothing really there past the surface.  No clue what he does when we aren't around, who he does it with, whether he has someone he has deep conversation with.  No clue.  We talk once in a while and our conversations usually last a while, but it's about the kids, how's the job? What's so and so up to?  Anything more than that and nada.

Most days I am content but there are some days when I just really miss having my person around.  I haven't seen my person in a long time.  Definitely like a death and a mourning.  I honestly don't know if my person will exist again or not.

Whew, this got VERY long.  Bless anyone who reads this far.  I guess that's what happens when I make it TOO LONG in between visits.  But life is good, and busy.  But y'all are always where I come when I am feeling fragile (or as my son says "fra-gee-lay).  You always understand what it's like, with the rolling of emotions, the ups and the downs, the happy and the sad, the PTSD and the I've got this's.  Sometimes all in a matter of an hour.  I am usually able to wipe away the tears, and rally, and put on that smile. 



M-41
H-43
S-19
D-17
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Has several dating profiles on POF and another but no major signs of anything new.

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Online stillbaffled

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope
« Reply #143 on: November 18, 2019, 09:17:08 PM »
Always good to have you drop in and update, FW! 

Sorry to read about the loss of the young man.  It's just a very sad thing when loss of life happens like that. 

You're a busy, busy mom that's for sure!
BD: 1/1/16
Together 15 years - married 7 years
His divorce final 7/26/16
Married the OW

After all, tomorrow is another day.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope
« Reply #144 on: November 18, 2019, 11:53:28 PM »
FW, yes we all know the frag-ee-lay spin cycle...but we all know too that it passes through.
One of the strange sometimes slightly spiky gifts of this kind of life experience is that we do not take our treasures for granted and we know what a tough path comes with loss when others experience life altering losses. As a parent it must be especially sharp to see another parent lose a child like that; I can't imagine. But what you know, and may be able to support your friend with when everyone else drifts away, is that grief has a long shelf life, much longer than most people know in RL. And it makes complete sense to me that you would want to hug your own kids that little bit closer. One of the strange things that often seems to be so is that we LBS feel more about these kinds of events while our old spouses seem to feel very little at any depth at all....but how we feel is normal. Like you, I found it easier to think of 'my person' as essentially dead some time ago; easier for me though as he disappeared in a cloud of black smoke never to be seen again lol.
« Last Edit: November 18, 2019, 11:55:18 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline MyBrainIsBroken

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope
« Reply #145 on: November 19, 2019, 11:26:10 AM »
Sorry to hear about all of the adversity, especially the losses. I hope your fragile time passes quickly and that you and your family will have a happy and healthy holiday season.

Offline Finding Joy

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope
« Reply #146 on: November 19, 2019, 03:54:48 PM »
My h and I are in the same place.  Very superficial, but we can hang out in the same house etc.  I’m sorry for all of the loss you are experiencing! 
Married 19 years
Husband is 42
I am 39

BD1-April 2018-Unrecognized by me until way later, he is unhappy, wants counseling.
BD2-October 2018-ILYBNIL, wants a divorce, this after I found out about OW 1(EA), OW2(PA) no longer together.  I believe he is single. 
April 2019 He got an apartment and moved out.
Oct 2019-Apologized for a years worth of monster behavior.  Still wants to start divorce this Spring, is distant, but friendly.  Tries more with kids, but mostly just helps haul them around(superficial).

4 kids 5-14 years

But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.

Offline FaithWalkerTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Letting Go of Hurt to Hold on to Hope
« Reply #147 on: November 29, 2019, 06:35:27 PM »
Kids went with their Dad to in-laws house for TG and his weekend.  D17 will join me Saturday for a movie event put on by some Realtor/Home Builder friends that are having a client appreciation event at the movie theater.  I also have a celebration of life for my matron of honor's sister who passed this last Sunday.  She was 50.  She lost her Grandma the same day.  My heart hurts for her.

I spent TG with my brother and his family (the one I lived with for 9 months).  S14 said I was the luckier one, he wished he could go there instead.  I never know how to respond when he says things like that.  I usually try to say something positive towards the situation.

D17 asked me to ask her F if she could go to the movies with me Saturday but I told her it would be better if she asked him.  She got annoyed with me.  I told her it was her F's weekend and he might not appreciate me asking, where if it's coming from her it would be his daughter versus his ex-wife.  Apparently that annoyed her.  She said I had a biased view of things.  I told her she's almost an adult so she has to learn how to communicate with her F.  How can you NOT have a biased view of things?  *shrug*

M-41
H-43
S-19
D-17
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Has several dating profiles on POF and another but no major signs of anything new.

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

 

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