Author Topic: My Story Almost 5 yrs since BD. My life is very different. H is still runnnnnnnninng..  (Read 2710 times)

Offline MillyTopic starter

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So here I am starting a new thread and nothing feels like it's changed much to me right now, although it really has.

I would think H is doing worse. His debts are catching up with him, and last year he was seen crying often. I have been told of big, physical, public fights between H and OW last summer, but they're still going strong!

Me, lots of changes. I've moved house twice in the last 14 months. Sold my old home and business. First moved to a little flat on the outskirts of Florence. It was fun for a while then it became claustrophobic. Moved to a little hayloft in the country just outside Florence this past November. It's a lovely little house with a garden and stunning views. My S14, dog and cat, and me, are much happier here.

My life no longer resembles my life of before. I work for the new owner of my old winery and it's a big change for me going from being self employed for 20 years, to having a boss checking on me. I'm really not liking it one bit. But I am thankful that it gives me a salary.

I had my 3 kids with me for Christmas this year. First time since BD. The relationship with my kids is very good and getting better. Christmas was meh. H left for London/OW town just before Christmas and came back mid January. He's now away again in Milan, 2nd OW town (same OW) for 10 days.

So I left my last thread wondering if I should tell my L about H going off to Milan (spending money) when he says he has no money for maintenance, and how he let us down with my S14's dentist appointment this week (which he scheduled).

Today, my L sent me the argument H's L sent the judge in December when we had our latest separation hearing. My L has to make her response to it for the judge. The judge wants to close up our separation hearing (going on 4 years now) so we can move onto the D phase. My L wants me to give her some ideas/information to counter respond my H's L.

My H's L's response was really harsh. I wasn't expecting it, especially since he has called my H crazy to my L. So H's L makes out that I have plenty of money, that I have a job, no mortgage, an inheritance (small and used to feed my kids), that I bought an apartment this past summer, that H has debts he incurred living with me, that he payed for my business which I ran to the ground so now he's in debt, that I claimed he broke down the marriage because of infidelity but it's a lie because he met OW December 2014 (BD May 14), and that clearly infidelity doesn't exist since I have not mentioned it ever again after the first hearing, that his boss is now paying him less because of a loan he took out with them years ago which he never paid back because he used all his money for me, the family, and my business, that I was useless at my business, that I have put the kids against him, that he demands to see S14 on alternative Christmasses and Easters, and every other weekend......

Well it made me mad. I wrote to H that I was saddened to read his L's response. That I wished things didn't need to be this ugly. That I never wanted this D, but that I am forced into a place where I'm going to have to defend myself to the best of my ability.

I went into all my H's emails, which I had accessed last summer, from 6 months before BD up to 2016. I have proof of the first meeting in 2013 between him and OW, I have the first email she sent him after she met him in Milan, inviting him to meet her for a drink to talk about renting a place in Tuscany for her friends. I have emails between them when he's still at home, where they call each other 'Babe.'

Unfortunately, I also read emails where they are having a fight and she says to him that he told her she was the love of his life. I did suspect it, but it hurts to hear. I also found reservations for a suite in a hotel in Sicily and dinner in a 2 star Michelin restaurant beside it. I also saw emails between H and one of his sisters where he makes fun of me, basically what an idiot I am, and how he's going to stick me with his old car full of traffic fines since it's in my name, and then he adds: for tax purposes and then writes hahaha. His sister then says, Is Milly still trying to take you for all you have? And she says about my oldest D24, who only recently has become close to me again: poor D(22 at the time), she's going to have to learn to deal with Milly herself, as if I'm some loony, nasty woman.

I'm torn. I must protect what I've managed to salvage for my kids and I. I keep telling myself this. I can't risk getting loaded with his debt because the judge just sees his side of the story right now and wants to be done with us. I hate the thought of having to send my L all this stuff to prove that the relationship started before he left me, that my H was a bad husband, that he has been leading a nice life while claiming to have no money, because it's going to add fuel to the fire.

My D21 tells me to wait and talk to my IC when I see her on Friday. I think this is a good idea. It gives me time to let off some steam and think about things before acting.

I feel for anyone going through the separation/D stuff with monster replayers. It's so stressful, so hurtful, such a waste of money, and not good for the health.

On a positive, my D21 studying in the UK, learned today she got 100% in one of her engineering exams. She's one of two who got this result in her year. She's such a good girl. This is her last year so she graduates this summer. Graduation is strangely in August. I just went online and booked a hotel for S14 and I before it all gets booked up.

My oldest, D24, is also graduating from her masters program this Spring in the US. I'm not invited since H is going and he says he can't be in the same room as me. Sad isn't it? You create a family, and after all the slog, sleepless nights, test worries, and you finally have one of the big days, half the family can' be together. Better to have never had the family. I could also mention this to the judge, I guess.

Sorry to start my thread on a pessimistic note. I hate it when my old thread reaches its maximum posts when I'm in the middle of something because it usually means there's nothing positive going on.

However, I'm in a much better place financially now than a year and a half ago. My house is small and much more affordable and manageable. I have much fewer worries on my shoulders. My oldest D is getting closer and closer to me again. My S14 is starting to do better at school. I must focus on these things.






Old thread
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10519.new#new
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anon

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Milly.. (((Hugs)))... this stage for the LBS is so challenging and so stressful. 

Offline forthetrees

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Please channel your anger into being productive in your legal response. If his L is going to fight dirty, counter the charges with objective information that supports you without seeming to be vindictive. If they are going to throw the kitchen sink at you, you donĀ“t have to just stand there and take the hit.

me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline LearningIamOk

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Milly, do NOT contact your H about anything legal. The only way you should send messages is thru your L. He will twist it and use it against you.

And why are you not invited to your D24's graduation? Is your D not inviting you, or did your H say for you not to come? If it was your H, F him. I would make the reservation and go. Let him be the one who is uncomfortable.
trying2bok

Offline Whyus

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Im so sorry that hes being a tool milly. Hes obviously desperate and feels that he is the victim here.
I have to agree with the Girls, only contact through Lawyers now, he has taken off tthe gloves and its getting dirty. Dont add to that he will use it against you now.
Secondly, I too would make the Reservation and go. Not your Problem if he cant be in the same room as you, thats his Problem. He blew up your Family so why should you have to miss out on such Events?
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Treasur

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I agree that you need to play judicious hardball now, Milly.
Your h has trashed enough of your life and your kids lives. No more.

As for the trees says, you need only the factual stuff that counters his false allegations for your L.
I think given that some of these are more personal allegations about your unreasonable behaviour you may also wish to remind your L about the court case against your daughter say. Including how little time and support he has given to your kids.
Step by step: he says x, you provide documents that show y.

The bit you need to go pfft, yah boo sucks to? All the personal defamation about your character, what he is/has said to others about you. It is rubbbish to justify his own crappy behaviour towards his family, Milly. Simple as that. Give it no head room. If he had wanted to end your marriage in a decent adult respectful way, he would have behaved differently with regard to practical things like money, houses, kids etc. He didn't. The fact that he didn't says nothing about you and everything about him. By all means, use your IC to help you keep this stuff separate from the legal stuff but your IC is not the place for legal advice.

Your h is an angry self-pitying weak a$$hat who is a crappy h, a crappy father, a crappy employee and probably pretty unhappy that his life is still crappy. Not your circus.
Meanwhile you have reorganised your work life, supported your kids and done all of the adult stuff that he ran away from. The picture he paints does not fit the Milly who did all of those things.
But it does fit the Milly who will says 'Enough of your nonsense' and who will give her L the factual info to let the L kick your h's a$$ legally and financially.

Do that. Do you. X
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline GonerinGhana

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It sounds like he wants to punish you for your success and his failures.

You seem to be hesitating about fighitng back. Is that because you hold out hope for reconciliation and don't want to throw fuel on the fire and make it less likely that will happen?

If so, you need to realize this, if you state the facts to defend yourself in this case and they do not paint him in a good light, that is fine and it will not lessen your chances of reconciliation. The reason being that you will never have reconciliation without him accepting that he did all these $h!tety things anyway and making amends for it. So no need for YOU to sweep it all under the rug.


I would listen to the others' advice. Stick with the facts and respond with evidence. Whether he comes out of this or not, you can't predict. But either way you need to protect your finances and your children. That's what is important right now.

Online Treasur

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Gig is absolutely right. She has put her finger right on it imho  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Puzzled

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Milly, I'm sorry that you received so much ridiculous rubbish from your H's L.  I agree with the others - now is the time to put on your business hat and counter the allegations in a matter-of-fact way. 

Your H reminds me of a cornered animal lashing out and attacking.  There is a lot of flailing, I find, a lot of huffing and puffing about this and that, about wanting S14 every other weekend as well as Easter and Christmas.  Yeah, right, Milly's H... And when your D24 comes from the US for Christmas, you leave with your OW for England, returning when she's already gone back to the US? And when you schedule an appointment for S14, you cannot follow through because you have to run away again, although you claim you don't have any money?  Like with most MLCers, this all lacks common sense. 

Congratulations on your D21's perfect score! :-)  As for your D24's graduation -- of course, you come!  It really is your H's problem if he cannot be in the same room as you, not yours.  I would take S14, too, as well as D21 if she can get away from uni and maybe even add a vacation somewhere in the US with your kids.

xx
Me: 47 (43 at BD1)
H: 53 (48 at BD1)
D: 10 (6 at BD1)
Met in 1995, married since 2000
BD 1: August 2014
BD 2: October 2015, moved abroad
August 2018: Received divorce papers in the mail unexpectedly

Online Treasur

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hmm, and didn't he just recently tell your son he was moving further away...how's that 'every other weekend' thing going to work then? And if it is SO important, how come he didn't arrange it at any point over the last 5 years when your son was younger? Or accept your gracious invitation for Christmas?

And now tbh your son is older and old enough to get a vote on what he wants or not. Pretty sure he has been clear about not wanting to spend time with ow so weekends will be tricky unless your h makes some changes in the calendar of his personal life.....or gets an outdoor kennel for ow...right now your h can't be relied on to turn up to a dental appointment for his son that HE made ffs. Or communicate directly with you like an adult about time with your son. Every other weekend bwahahaha  ::)

Huff puff, puzzled is quite right too. They are full of ridiculous idiocy and bluster.

You might find it helpful to do a page, almost like a project chart. One column with each of his allegations and demands. The second with 3-5 simple bullet points on each one, either the facts that counter it or the reasons why his demands are not do-able based on his actions in the last 5 years.
« Last Edit: January 29, 2019, 01:37:37 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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