Almost 5 yrs since BD. My life is very different. H is still runnnnnnnninng..

[Rising Phoenix]

Attaching milly xx

[KeepItTogether]

If so, you need to realize this, if you state the facts to defend yourself in this case and they do not paint him in a good light, that is fine and it will not lessen your chances of reconciliation. The reason being that you will never have reconciliation without him accepting that he did all these $h!tety things anyway and making amends for it. So no need for YOU to sweep it all under the rug.


I would listen to the others' advice. Stick with the facts and respond with evidence. Whether he comes out of this or not, you can't predict. But either way you need to protect your finances and your children. That's what is important right now.

Yes--I agree 100%! I know we LBS do hate to rock that boat. But well, he started it. And now it is putting your livelihood at risk.  Let your L handle everything. But definitely give all the information and let the L decide how to use it best.  You are not playing dirty. Rather you are just responding.

And yes, your H is a hot mess right now. I wouldn't be surprised if years form now he has no memory of all those allegations!

Hugs friend. I know that was hard to see in black and white. And then reading those old e-mails could not have helped. But, just b/c it is written does not make it true.....especially if written by and MLCer!

[Milly]

Thank you, Kit, I really appreciate what you wrote.

[Anjae]

Milly I am sorry that your husband is being so unkind.

If so, you need to realize this, if you state the facts to defend yourself in this case and they do not paint him in a good light, that is fine and it will not lessen your chances of reconciliation. The reason being that you will never have reconciliation without him accepting that he did all these $h!tety things anyway and making amends for it. So no need for YOU to sweep it all under the rug.

I would listen to the others' advice. Stick with the facts and respond with evidence. Whether he comes out of this or not, you can't predict. But either way you need to protect your finances and your children. That's what is important right now.

This. But agree with Learning, let your lawyer handle the legal stuff. Send everything to your lawyer. Everything. That is what a lawyer is for.

And never throw away anything that me legally to your advantage even if it is stuff you may not like to keep. If you don't want to see it, hide it in a special forlder if it is e-mail/digital files or in a box if physicall stuff. Make copies just in case.

All the things your husband's lawyer said? I have heard similar stuff from Mr J's lawyers in his divorce court cases, etc. It is blah, blah, blah. By then, especially the first time, I got really upset. There were a bunch of lies in there. Second time was "what, this stuff again"? Phew. 

MLCers can say the most vile things, lie to courts/judges/their own lawyers, paint us as the evil bad guy, whatever. It is hurtful, it is unkind, it is wrong. But the MLCer is going to do what the MLCer is going to do.

KeepIt has a point. Most likely, years from now your husband will not remeber any of those allegations.

Hugs

[Yellowroseoftexas]

Not much I can add other than most of us have been thru it.  Husband told his lawyer that I made him leave the house.  HE WALKED OUT!!!!!!!! And he’s a minister. 

Don’t let husband frighten you.  Allow your lawyer to fight the battle. Come here for support.  It’s scary but you will get thru it. 

[stillbaffled]

Today, I will start preparing my defense for my L. As I said on Anon's thread, as she is also having to face the D process right now, I tell myself that I might as well get this D business over and done with, then it will no longer be looming out there. One fear less. As she put it, no more BDs. I guess there's still the possibility that my H could marry his OW. That will hurt for sure, but I would almost feel sorry for him if he does. At least she can't get pregnant because she's almost 52. She's catching up with me!

If a D does happen and IF he would be dumb enough to marry the OW (cause for sure there are a few of us here who have an MLCer dumb enough to do just that) it will hurt, but I promise you you will survive it!  I don't know about the feeling sorry for him part (cause for sure I haven't reached that stage and doubt I ever will!) but I do know you'll survive and continue on, Milly.

You have lots of support here.  We're here for you. 

[BrenM]

"My oldest, D24, is also graduating from her masters program this Spring in the US. I'm not invited since H is going and he says he can't be in the same room as me. Sad isn't it? You create a family, and after all the slog, sleepless nights, test worries, and you finally have one of the big days, half the family can' be together. Better to have never had the family. I could also mention this to the judge, I guess"


Milly this just breaks my heart - when reading this and your very compliant "Milly" responses I felt nauseated in the stomach.  I get what you are doing but my heart is shattered for you. And I am sure you feel the same way, but you are just putting your Daughter first and fear stressing her out on "her special day". 

You say that you are not invited, is this your daughters choice alone?  Have you discussed how you really feel with your daughter?  I would be devastated if I was in your shoes.  You have every right to be in attendance - this is about celebrating your Daughters achievement - it has nothing to do with the feelings of a self centered MLCER.   Your H has no right in stating who and who cannot attend - if he can't be in the same room as room as you, than that is his problem, not yours, and definitely not your daughters!  Why would any parent place their own child in such a predicament. The family breakup was instigated by him and his actions alone.  I understand that he has guilt, but it is a guilt that he has to live with.   I really believe that he is intimidating your D and you!  I am sure that she would love both parents in attendance to celebrate her graduation!  If you did not attend she would feel as though a part of her is missing from her celebrations - a feeling that everyone of us LBS know so well. 

I really wish you would reconsider attending - along with S and D (if financially and logistically viable).   This is a celebration for you all to enjoy as a family.  If you comply with his wishes (ie dictating) this time...you are only walking away from future milestones that you certainly don't want to miss out on.   Set you boundaries now for all future family celebrations. Book those flights and go and celebrate alongside your Daughter.  It is not about anyone else - not H or the ILWs or anyone else but your Daughter!  I fear that you will harbor regret if you do not attend...I know I certainly would..and no LBS needs more guilt about how a MLC has impacted our innocent children's lives.

When people are intimidated by your strength and happiness, they'll try to tear you down and break your spirit.  Remember, it's a reflection of their weakness, and not a reflection of you.


Milly  the Divorce process is just that a process...a legal process where the truth is very often not divulged.   IT HURTS OUR EMOTIONS LIKE HELL...once again.  When I first read the affidavit that my ExH wrote describing our marriage and family life I thought that I was reading someone else's story.  It was full of utter lies and total exaggerations.  Yes some statements represented "us" but the majority was totally manufactured and totally sensationalized to represent justification why ExH was seeking a divorce.   I was made out to be a mental case that was incapable of raising 4 children alone - yet here i am raising my four children alone.  I do believe that the Lawyers and Solicitors are responsible for some of the way the statements are written.  It is their job and they are only looking after their clients best interest.  It is best for you to let your Lawyer/Solicitor handle all correspondence on your behalf.  But just remember it is a LEGAL PROCESS...not the wording that your husband would use without legal intervention.

Milly it is time to put your Big Girl Panties on...hold on tight...you've got this..and we are all here to support you!  Stock that Pink Fridge Girl.

[forthetrees]

Milly,
Please reconsider the graduation exclusion. There must be at least one stateside LBS willing to host you and the tennis champ.
If your h cannot handle being in room with you at graduation, does that mean being excluded from future graduations, weddings, christenings, birthday parties...? Think of this as a dress rehearsal for how you will be able to attend common functions post-divorce. Even if his family attends, I find it hard to believe that there won´t be other graduates and families in attendance. I fear that if you don´t go, years from now you´ll be berating yourself for having given in to Mr. Demandit.

What state is D24 in?

[Trustandlove]

Milly, I agree with everyone else about the graduation -- please go!  I know that is direct, but hard as it might be to think that they might be talking about you, I would venture the view that it would be better that they talk about you holding your head high, being polite, and honouring your D's achievement than thinking that they can intimidate you into not coming. 

It doesn't mean you have to pretend that everything is OK, not at all.  But that day is about your D, if they want to talk behind your back let them, it is they who are behaving badly in that case, not you.  Hard as it is, don't let yourself get drawn in....

I, too, have had my H say to the children that he wouldn't come to events if I were there, that seems to wax and wane with whatever else is going on in his life.  The trusty "I'm sorry you feel that way" comes in handy here, or better yet, just silence.  That works wonders, and I mean for us.

This is hard, very.  But standing up to bullies pays dividends, and sooner than we might think.  One thing history has taught us in all respects:

Appeasement never works.

I also agree with not speaking to him directly about anything  legal btw, that tends to backfire on us....

[Treasur]

I'm with the others on this, Milly.
I think we all have had times of either trying to not poke the monster bc we are afraid of it, or just feeling exhausted by it and wanting to stay away, or feeling afraid of more pain or judgement from others bc of the monster's lies and manipulation.

Imho....keep it simple.
Talk to your daughter. In an ideal world, would she like you to be there? Yes or no?
Then you. In an ideal world, would you like to be there? Yes or no?
If the answer to both is yes, then look at the practicalities. Can you afford to do it? With your other kids or solo? How can you do it in a way which works best for you and your daughter? And lets all the other players including your h do whatever they see fit without it being your job to manage?

Wise words on the precedent...you have three children, there will be other significant events. Your h made his choice to break your family as it was. That is not your burden to carry or indeed your kids either. If the reality of it makes HIM angry or uncomfortable, or indeed other people, that is not your responsibility to deal with but theirs. Put simply - maybe with the exception of your h - none of them were with you 24 years ago when you carried and pushed this wonderful new human into the world and set her on her path to this achievement. So imho you get a bigger vote...you and your daughter...the rest?  F them