Author Topic: My Story Almost 5 yrs since BD. My life is very different. H is still runnnnnnnninng..  (Read 2706 times)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Hi Milly,

As I just got to work after taking my S to the ER to be looked at this morning because STBXW "wasn't feeling good enough" (S fell last week and is still in pain - STBXW thought he REALLY needed to go to the doc but wasn't capable herself so guess who did it?) I can fully sympathize.

At least for me, it was not bad as S just has a deep bruise (which is what I already knew it was but STBX wanted to bring on the Drama Llamas) and he'll just have to live with the pain for a week or two until it heals...

Also ironically, I used to have friends in Florence at the Episcopal Church there (St. James) and my first thought was "Too bad I don't still have contact with them (they moved)." I am sure that they would have been more than happy to look in on your Sif needed.... They say we are all only 7 levels of separation away from any other person in the world...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline heroIam

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Milly
Hoping you and S are feeling better soon.

I'd have to agree with trustandlove.  Except for any type of real health emergency, I probably wouldn't contact H about it.  Though, I don't have kids, so easier said than done.  :P
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Acorn

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I’m glad you are over the worst of your sickness, Milly.  ‘Tis the season, I’m afraid...

I totally agree with trustandlove re not relying on your H at all.  I do realize you are between a rock and a hard place.  It’s just that expecting him to be a parent, even if it’s for tiny little things, is not helpful to your mental state.  Anger and resentment follow on the heels of unfulfilled expectations.  Speaking from experience, unfortunately...

As you know, my H is a live-in.  I don’t have any family here.  The only way I could save myself from frustration and anger at H was to rely on myself 100% for everything.  (Well, OK, I asked to him once to change a lightbulb where I had no hope of reaching, even standing on the table.) If I couldn’t do it, I call in all the favours I could think of.  You know, H was just a crazy uncle living upstairs.  Your is a crazy man who is living in a homeless shelter.

I hope your S recovers ASAP.
(((((((HUGS))))))


Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline KeepItTogether

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I can't understand why my H is making it about me, instead of thinking of our boy, who is just a sweet, sensitive kid. If I were sick, my S would be coming up to check on me continuously. He doesn't deserve this.



To be fair, it isn't about you either. It is all about HIM---the MLCer, b/c literally nothing else matters. H is a broken mess.  What better proof than him blowing off S in his time of need. It is indeed disappointing and sad when they ignore their own children in favor of their OW?M. But it is what they do. Any inkling of responsibility and they run run run!!!! Sucks, but is it unfortunately who and what they are in their present form.

Of course your boy would take care of you if you were sick. He has had your positive influence. He is a sweet kind and caring boy all on his own of course, but also because of you. These instances will always astound me too though. So I get it Milly. You can absolutely be mad, sad, upset, whatever emotion you want. B/c really, it is all ridiculous isn't it?  These people USED to be loving responsible and (some) doting parents. And now, they cannot get far enough away from their kids.

Sorry Milly! Sending huge HUGS to you.

And also, you had me at w"win fair." Oh I know it isn't the same when you have to work it.  But a wine fair in Tuscany. Dreamy.
« Last Edit: February 12, 2019, 12:18:47 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Girls and guys thank you so much for your support. I had a very long and hard day at the wine fair. I know it's a privileged job and I will think of you guys and make sure to enjoy it too. However, I'm exhausted and am sitting on the couch in my pjs with a big glass of wine from the pink fridge (love it when you guys mention it!), and a plate of pasta with ragu sauce. My little 6 foot boy upstairs in bed.

I went right up to him when I got back in. He was sitting up wrapped in blankets and sweaty. His fever is making him feel cold. He asked for a cup of tea, which I made him and cut up bits of bread and put them on a plate with a little pot of olive oil to dip in. He doesn't fancy any food. I'm sure his taste buds are numb. wish I didn't fancy any food!

Faith and Bren, I did just as you said to do. I did text and check in with him. He didn't answer, though. Mind you I hadn't thought that he would get comfort from just seeing that I was checking. Thanks for that. I did leave him a tray with drinks and some cookies/buiscuits and some fever medicine beside his bed. Last night I texted a girlfriend of mine and she so kindly drove over and checked on S at lunch time and brought over some ragu sauce she'd made. S couldn't eat, but I'm eating it now. My girlfriend is a good egg. She let the dog out and made sure S took the fever medicine and told him to lock the door when she left.

Serenity, although they could have done without me at the wine fair, this is the main part of my job so I hate to let my boss down right now as he's just renewed my work contract. The owner flew in for the fair but he knows nothing about wine yet. The wine maker was there and he could have done it alone, but fairs are my job and this is a really important one so I would hate to do the 'woman' thing and let my boss down because of a kid sick at home. To be honest, when I did tell my boss later in the afternoon that my S was sick, he did tell me that I could leave if I needed to. That was really nice and made me feel that I could.

Trust, Hero, and Acorn I guess you're right, I shouldn't be expecting my H to help with my S. I know that this is what I probably would have said to you guys. When it happens to us it's so hard to see beyond the hurt or chaos that the MLCer is causing us on that particular day. It's that moment of weakness when I just hope that my H might be further along the tunnel and might want to jump to be there for his S. Yes, I probably should not have said anything to him. I just always hope that maybe this time will be different. S told me that H phoned him today and told him to let him know if he needs him to come. I suppose that's something, or maybe it's actually nothing.

Kit, thanks for reminding me that it's not even about me, it's about him. He just cares about himself, not being put out, not being bored with a sick kid, not having to tell OW that he needs to help S and have her get all mad at him. Kit, I'll be thinking of you at the fair tomorrow!

As many of you said, your Hs did this to some of your kids, too. And as you say, Treasur, this just reminds us that it's not about the marriage. I guess it's that they snarled at us at BD that it was only about the marriage or us personally, so it's hard to believe that that might not be the case. Neglecting the kids should be enough proof of this.

UM, I'm sorry you had to do the ER trip. That's a drag. If your S hurt himself while with STBEXW, shouldn't she be the one to do the ER wait? Anyway, I'm glad it was not serious.

I just overheard the beginning of an Italian movie in the background while I'm typing. I must have MLC radar. The narrator, the lady in the movie, just described the main characters. One of them is Giacomino (little Giacomo), and she says: you know those guys who hit 40 (the camera turns towards a pot bellied 40 something guy lounging on the sofa with his butt towards the edge, with 3 or 4 books lying beside him), and he suddenly wonders how to escape death? He's wondering what his life has been like, was it good enough? could he still do something to change things? Well that guy is Giacomino. The narrator is a woman in her forties, sitting on the closed toilet, wondering what she should do about Giacoming. Now she's at the therapist and she's wondering if she should leave him because he's completely ignoring her. So I guess I'm going to keep my eye on this movie. I will let you know if it comes up with some miracle cure!

I am going to check some threads and finish my wine.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Acorn

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Milly, you are soooo ‘teach-able’!  I don’t mean it in a patronizing way at all.  You read other’s point of view, assess what you can use, have no problems adopting them, and above all, do not hesitate to say what you have ‘learned’.  You have no problem explaining your situation to clarify but do not board the ‘excuse’ train. 

I hope you see how mature and confident your attitude is, sister.  People lacking in maturity and confidence often (more likely, ‘almost always’) ignore or reject any idea/advice/experience that do not line up with their own.  No wonder they stay stuck.  Not Milly.  Never!  :)



Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline MillyTopic starter

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Thank you so much, Acorn! Such lovely words.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anjae

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I'm am sorry you and your son are ill, Milly. Hope both of you get better soon.

Trust as a point. It may not be worthy to contact husband and have you decide what needs to be done. You make perfect sense to me, Trust.

The film sounds interesting. MLC is a great subjec to films/TV shows and novels. Not such a good thing to endure in real life.

Treasur is right, MLC is not connected to spouse/marriage. MLCers leave the kids, their relatives, their friends, their job, God for those who are religious, etc. and single people have MLC.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline forthetrees

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There is something to be said for not asking or expecting them to help as it just gives them another opportunity to kick you in the teeth- figuratively:) I have found that Maya Angelou´s saying, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" is a good guide. Your h has shown himself to be willing to put self above son in numerous situations. Fish don´t climb trees, butterflies don´t swim and MLCers don´t do parental responsible behaviors.,

Instead of getting down about h, how about pumping yourself up on your wonderful friendship with the ragu chef.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline LearningIamOk

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Milly, I learned the hard way to not rely on xH. And that was before MLC hit. The few times I needed him after MLC hit, it was a major fight to get him to help. I only fought with him because I REALLY needed him to step up. It was an exhausting win. :P
« Last Edit: February 11, 2019, 05:01:09 PM by LearningIamOk »
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