Author Topic: My Story when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen  (Read 1218 times)

Online in it

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My Story Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
« Reply #20 on: February 03, 2019, 02:21:50 PM »
I'm very sorry too .May God keep and comfort you in this difficult time. (((Hugs)))
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline bluerose

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Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
« Reply #21 on: February 03, 2019, 03:01:08 PM »
    I am very sorry for your loss. I still have both of my parents but i was with my grandma, who was like a mother to me, when she passed. It was one of the hardest things i ever had to do but i am grateful i was with her.
      Some people say that you have to go through the bad to get to the good. If thats the case, there must be great things waiting for you. You are in my prayers.

Offline Thunder

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Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
« Reply #22 on: February 05, 2019, 09:46:52 AM »
Hi Nas,

I hope all goes well today.  I'll be thinking of you.
Praying you get good news.

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Milly

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Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
« Reply #23 on: February 05, 2019, 11:28:46 AM »
Hi Nas, I hope you managed to see your favourite doctor today.
Big hug
Millyxxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline NasTopic starter

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Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
« Reply #24 on: February 11, 2019, 04:09:39 AM »
Due to the wonderful world of insurance, I had to wait for approval for some more in depth tests this week. I saw my oncologist and my surgeon last week. Neither were able to say what this lump might be. So I’ll have a bunch of scans this week.

My mother in law showed up at the service for my mother the other day. It was the first time I had seen her in person since June 2016. Of course, since then I’ve gone through multiple surgeries, radiation and 18 months of chemo.

She said to me: “I think you look great...considering all you’ve been through” 🤦‍♀️  ::)

She couldn’t have just said I looked good, right? God knows what she will tell H.

Anyway, she was one of the first people to arrive and she didn’t stay long but of course it was the subject of much conversation.

She told me H’s brother sent his condolences and basically just talked as if H doesn’t even exist. She asked if I was still living with my brother and I was not about to get into that whole drama so I just told her that was another stressful situation and left it at that. (I am also pretty sure she’s heard about my living situation issues from the hairdresser, or if she hasn’t, she will.)

After her non-compliment where she told me I looked great (with a qualifier to let me know what she really thought), at one point she looked at me and started to cry and told me I’m “in her heart always” and when she was leaving she hugged me for an extremely awkwardly long time and said “please please keep in touch.”

After she left, my friends and family all said they were stunned to see her. Then of course talk turned to H and speculation on what her current relationship is with him.
Several people commented on how OW must be either an idiot or desperate. She’s been living with H for 2.5 years and their “relationship” is now almost 4 years total. A few people questioned how anyone could be living with a man for over two years and not be pushing for a more solid idea of their future. H is still married, still has a lot of debt and a credit report that shows such a bad payment history and debts he just walked away from that getting approved for anything (new credit card, new car, house) would be a lot harder. He has no savings, and he blew his retirement in the height of early manic replay.

Someone (I don’t remember who) said they are in a relationship equivalent to two 16 year olds and said OW is either too dumb to realize that H seems to have no solid plans for “their” future or she’s so desperate she’s turning a blind eye. Because it would be easy enough for her to lie to herself and say he hasn’t divorced me because I have cancer, but it’s harder to rationalize the fact that he has taken no steps to fix his life so they can invest in a future where they can grow old together, or even do more than live paycheck to paycheck.   

In a strange way, it comforted me on a day when I needed a little extra comfort. Because it showed me that people do see these things and think it’s weird. In the very early replay days, H tried to convince his mother and others that he had to leave because I was such a terrible wife and he just HAD to get away from me.

It was commented that if I were so terrible and he was really so “afraid” of me, he would have been desperate to actually get divorced because who would stay married to the person who was supposedly so abusive that they had to run away from them. And if MIL believed that pathetic excuse, she would not be trying so hard to make sure everyone knows how much she “cares” about me.

She knows on some level that H has and is behaving despicably. And people do see my MIL showing up, even if it was only because she knew it was the right thing to do in order to avoid further damage to her reputation, and know that deep deep down she knows she’s doing what he should be doing and must be so disappointed. I felt mildly vindicated I guess.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Thunder

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Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
« Reply #25 on: February 11, 2019, 04:42:18 AM »
Hi Nas, yes it must have felt good to see people get it.   Your H is so messed up.
 
Your MIL showing up was really nice too, even if it was to save face.  I also think it was good for her to see you in person and hug you.  I'm sure she feels very ashamed of her son.  I sure would.

Well I hope they get those scans going soon.  Let us know.
Keeping you in my prayers, Nas.

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
« Reply #26 on: February 11, 2019, 05:53:00 AM »
I suspect your MiL's intentions are at least partly good, Nas, but she lacks courage.
And yes, those rare moments when RL people see some of what we see, how far from normal any of this is, do feel like a gift.

I hope the scans go well next week and allow you to turn your energies to happier plans and schemes. You are in my thoughts xxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline NasTopic starter

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Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
« Reply #27 on: February 11, 2019, 12:10:04 PM »
I can't say what MIL's intentions were for sure.  Nor can I say for sure that H is probably not happy that she came and saw me and my family...but I can make a pretty decent guess that he's not at all pleased about it.  Only because he knows that because she made an appearance, he definitely became a topic of conversation and that's something I know he fears most, people discussing the mistakes he's made and the bad things he's done. (hmm, Nas's MIL is here, where is her H?) 

MLCers like to fool themselves into thinking no one knows about, thinks about or talks about the things they've done.  God forbid they have to be reminded that they have hurt people with their choices.
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Milly

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Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
« Reply #28 on: February 11, 2019, 01:37:07 PM »
Nas, sorry the insurance is making you wait for your tests. I hope you can get them done this week.

I think you're right when you say that people will have noticed that your MIL was at the funeral but your H was not.  It might even have made your H look even worse. I'm glad that when she asked you about your living situation you didn't just say it's all good. Your MIL will have understood from your comment that you are having living problems, although as you say, she probably has heard it all form the hairdresser. Let her feel bad for her S.

MIL probably came to your mother's funeral because she knows what is correct behaviour, and she doesn't want to be bunched in with her S and be considered as bad as him. Regarding her offensive-compliment, if it were me, I would take the part of the sentence I like and chuck the rest. You look good. She thought you would look terrible and she was surprised. And of course she'll tell your H.

Which brings me to the bit about your H not having divorced you yet -yes, what's with that? He's supposedly with his soulmate, they've been together 4 years, yet all is still the same? And a wife, not ex-wife, still around? If I were OW, I would not be happy one bit about that. I would be extremely insecure. Guess she is just desperate. Only a guy going through a crisis is going to consider her a catch and she knows it.



Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: when I no longer wish to be heard by you, that might be when you'll listen
« Reply #29 on: February 11, 2019, 03:28:58 PM »
Hi Nas, hope you be able to do your tests soon.

Agree with Thunder, regardless, it was good MIL showed and hugged you.

Who knows what husband feels/things of MIL showing.

Some MLCers never divorce the LBS even if they are living with their soulmate. Why it is so, I don't know. Others spend nearly a decade married to the LBS, then divorce the LBS even if nothing different seems to be going on in the MLCers life.

Hugs.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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