Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting. How??  (Read 2590 times)

Offline AcornTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting. How??
« on: January 31, 2019, 08:25:03 AM »
My last thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10628.0

My MLCer is a live-in.
We have been seriously reconnecting for just over a year.
I see a bit of rebuilding going on.
I see and feel that we have reconciled and agree that we would like to spend the rest of our lives with each other.  We seem to have that settled and peaceful atmosphere after a wild storm.

Here is the latest happenings.

Back home (Winter Wonderland!) after a lovely getaway to a place of palm trees with my daughter.  We spent a lot of time chatting about life.  You name the topic, we covered it.  We are BFF!

H picked me up from the airport.  This is a new trendy ‘acts of service’ he’s been performing for the last few months.  I used to make my own way home and never relied on him, even before MLC.  Well, if it helps him feel  better about himself I don’t mind it one bit.  Conversation all the way home is nice, too.

When we got home we talked for at least 2 hours.  Mostly him talking.  It was his vision for his future.  He would like to retire at 60.  That’s only 7 years away!   He doesn’t exactly know what he wants to do but he knows what he does NOT want to do.  No more fattening up the bank balance, chasing after professional achievement and recognition.   Easy for him to say because he got all of that already - my thoughts but surprisingly he said it as well.  It’s a case of ‘I reached all my goals, what’s next?’ quandary.  He knows he wants to give his time and expertise to those that need them.  Time will tell what comes of all his musings. 

The conversation was all about him.  Did I get upset about it?  That question didn’t even enter mind until now.   I honestly don’t think the content of the convo is anywhere as important as the fact that he chooses to share his serious thoughts with me.  2 hours of conversation is not bad when it wasn’t that long ago ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ were his highest conversational achievements.

‘How about ME?!!!!’ is not a question that bugs me at all.  I don’t need another person to cater to me, emotionally speaking.  Having said that, I think it is important that H moves his focus onto me sometime in the future - after he is settled within himself - for the sake of rebuilding our M and taking it to another level of togetherness. 

Note to self: I need to remind myself to listen, and listen some more.  He is working through things and one of the ways of doing that is by talking to me about it.  I welcome it.

Enjoy your day!
« Last Edit: January 31, 2019, 08:41:38 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2019, 08:30:33 AM »
Attaching to your new thread Acorn. Wouldn't miss it!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2019, 08:36:08 AM »
And away we go!
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2019, 09:01:09 AM »
Happy New Thread!

Glad you had a good trip away to the sunshine with BFF daughter! How special. Lovely too that H picked you up and chatted.

I too remember the ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ being achievements. And H making out as though I was being unreasonable expecting it!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2019, 09:01:37 AM »
Attaching for sure!
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2019, 09:35:56 AM »
Quote
chasing after professional achievement and recognition
.

When my husband returned , he talked about this endlessly. That he no longer "had to be the biggest, the best, the fastest, the alpha-dog", in the workplace. He no longer felt this way at all. And he talked about this shift a lot.  Approx a year prior to BD , there was a "new guy" at his workplace. My husband took an immediate dislike to him and that has NEVER happened . And I mean never. He likes everyone, is NOT critical of others and can really be friends with all people. So it was extremely unusual. He hated this new guy and went on and on about him to his boss, to us at home , to his friends. The new guy was smart, on the ball, YOUNG  , strong and very energetic.  He was the NEW alpha-male on site and was pushing H's buttons, wounds, youth ...all of it. It was madness !. He actually had a physical "moment" by shoving the desk against the "new guy" and pushing him against the wall. ( his boss told me that ) . WHO DOES THAT ?.  He once told our marriage counsellor that 90% of his crash and burn was job related and not so much a "marriage issue". (???) . After he left our home , he actually QUIT HIS JOB!.
Now , that was the most shocking thing...I cannot tell you. But he did . At 57 years old , he was alone, unemployed and suicidal .

Surprisingly, his employer , sought him out 6 months after he quit and asked him to come back ...again who does that ??? . I never wanted him to return but he took a less competitive position and keeps his "attitude " in check with his therapist . Never has that extreme hatred or "competition " on the job returned . The "new guy " is still there and seems no animosity there at  all.  Says he no longer has "anything to prove". I see absolute and direct connections to his childhood wounds and his father thru all of that mess. I think ( with men ) their job is far more significant than it is for women ( A generalization ) .

All sounds good Acorn !!
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Nas

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2019, 10:07:48 AM »
Quote
chasing after professional achievement and recognition
.

When my husband returned , he talked about this endlessly. That he no longer "had to be the biggest, the best, the fastest, the alpha-dog", in the workplace. He no longer felt this way at all. And he talked about this shift a lot.  Approx a year prior to BD , there was a "new guy" at his workplace. My husband took an immediate dislike to him and that has NEVER happened . And I mean never. He likes everyone, is NOT critical of others and can really be friends with all people. So it was extremely unusual. He hated this new guy and went on and on about him to his boss, to us at home , to his friends. The new guy was smart, on the ball, YOUNG  , strong and very energetic.  He was the NEW alpha-male on site and was pushing H's buttons, wounds, youth ...all of it. It was madness !. He actually had a physical "moment" by shoving the desk against the "new guy" and pushing him against the wall. ( his boss told me that ) . WHO DOES THAT ?.  He once told our marriage counsellor that 90% of his crash and burn was job related and not so much a "marriage issue". (???) . After he left our home , he actually QUIT HIS JOB!.
Now , that was the most shocking thing...I cannot tell you. But he did . At 57 years old , he was alone, unemployed and suicidal .

Surprisingly, his employer , sought him out 6 months after he quit and asked him to come back ...again who does that ??? . I never wanted him to return but he took a less competitive position and keeps his "attitude " in check with his therapist . Never has that extreme hatred or "competition " on the job returned . The "new guy " is still there and seems no animosity there at  all.  Says he no longer has "anything to prove". I see absolute and direct connections to his childhood wounds and his father thru all of that mess. I think ( with men ) their job is far more significant than it is for women ( A generalization ) .

All sounds good Acorn !!

My H's quest to be seen as important and successful by others began when his MLC began.  It has been his biggest replay activity, being a "shark" and succeeding no matter what the cost (to me especially). 
Prior to MLC he was content with our nice simple life.  He had a decent job, wasn't in management or anything but didn't really care, never expressed any interest in climbing the corporate ladder.  We did talk sometimes of finding some venture of our own because he hated working in an office. 

That's why I don't think his tunnel will ever come to an end.  He is trying to become some super successful important person.  If he succeeds, it won't ever be enough.  If he doesn't succeed, it'll be an endless loop of self-loathing and not feeling "good enough."
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2019, 11:11:49 AM »
Oh Acorn, I am not sure there is a better "listener" on that planet than you! But of course, your humility and constant quest to improve yourself is but one of your many redeeming qualities. And it makes that reconnection/rebuilding process so much easier for your H as he knows he has a safe place to land.

I am happy H is showering you with those "acts of service." You deserve that and more!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Treasur

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #8 on: January 31, 2019, 11:20:02 AM »
Did you used to need your h to cater to your emotional needs before, Acorn? Or does this comfort with the more one-sided aspects with your h now come from still being a bit detached or from something else?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #9 on: January 31, 2019, 12:13:10 PM »
Following along Acorn. Keep on listening Acorn.
I think it's best. Your time will come. Enjoy all of his little sweet services he does for you.
You deserve them all!!!

 

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