Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting. How??  (Read 2586 times)

Offline AcornTopic starter

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My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting. How??
« on: January 31, 2019, 08:25:03 AM »
My last thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10628.0

My MLCer is a live-in.
We have been seriously reconnecting for just over a year.
I see a bit of rebuilding going on.
I see and feel that we have reconciled and agree that we would like to spend the rest of our lives with each other.  We seem to have that settled and peaceful atmosphere after a wild storm.

Here is the latest happenings.

Back home (Winter Wonderland!) after a lovely getaway to a place of palm trees with my daughter.  We spent a lot of time chatting about life.  You name the topic, we covered it.  We are BFF!

H picked me up from the airport.  This is a new trendy ‘acts of service’ he’s been performing for the last few months.  I used to make my own way home and never relied on him, even before MLC.  Well, if it helps him feel  better about himself I don’t mind it one bit.  Conversation all the way home is nice, too.

When we got home we talked for at least 2 hours.  Mostly him talking.  It was his vision for his future.  He would like to retire at 60.  That’s only 7 years away!   He doesn’t exactly know what he wants to do but he knows what he does NOT want to do.  No more fattening up the bank balance, chasing after professional achievement and recognition.   Easy for him to say because he got all of that already - my thoughts but surprisingly he said it as well.  It’s a case of ‘I reached all my goals, what’s next?’ quandary.  He knows he wants to give his time and expertise to those that need them.  Time will tell what comes of all his musings. 

The conversation was all about him.  Did I get upset about it?  That question didn’t even enter mind until now.   I honestly don’t think the content of the convo is anywhere as important as the fact that he chooses to share his serious thoughts with me.  2 hours of conversation is not bad when it wasn’t that long ago ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ were his highest conversational achievements.

‘How about ME?!!!!’ is not a question that bugs me at all.  I don’t need another person to cater to me, emotionally speaking.  Having said that, I think it is important that H moves his focus onto me sometime in the future - after he is settled within himself - for the sake of rebuilding our M and taking it to another level of togetherness. 

Note to self: I need to remind myself to listen, and listen some more.  He is working through things and one of the ways of doing that is by talking to me about it.  I welcome it.

Enjoy your day!
« Last Edit: January 31, 2019, 08:41:38 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2019, 08:30:33 AM »
Attaching to your new thread Acorn. Wouldn't miss it!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2019, 08:36:08 AM »
And away we go!
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #3 on: January 31, 2019, 09:01:09 AM »
Happy New Thread!

Glad you had a good trip away to the sunshine with BFF daughter! How special. Lovely too that H picked you up and chatted.

I too remember the ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ being achievements. And H making out as though I was being unreasonable expecting it!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #4 on: January 31, 2019, 09:01:37 AM »
Attaching for sure!
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #5 on: January 31, 2019, 09:35:56 AM »
Quote
chasing after professional achievement and recognition
.

When my husband returned , he talked about this endlessly. That he no longer "had to be the biggest, the best, the fastest, the alpha-dog", in the workplace. He no longer felt this way at all. And he talked about this shift a lot.  Approx a year prior to BD , there was a "new guy" at his workplace. My husband took an immediate dislike to him and that has NEVER happened . And I mean never. He likes everyone, is NOT critical of others and can really be friends with all people. So it was extremely unusual. He hated this new guy and went on and on about him to his boss, to us at home , to his friends. The new guy was smart, on the ball, YOUNG  , strong and very energetic.  He was the NEW alpha-male on site and was pushing H's buttons, wounds, youth ...all of it. It was madness !. He actually had a physical "moment" by shoving the desk against the "new guy" and pushing him against the wall. ( his boss told me that ) . WHO DOES THAT ?.  He once told our marriage counsellor that 90% of his crash and burn was job related and not so much a "marriage issue". (???) . After he left our home , he actually QUIT HIS JOB!.
Now , that was the most shocking thing...I cannot tell you. But he did . At 57 years old , he was alone, unemployed and suicidal .

Surprisingly, his employer , sought him out 6 months after he quit and asked him to come back ...again who does that ??? . I never wanted him to return but he took a less competitive position and keeps his "attitude " in check with his therapist . Never has that extreme hatred or "competition " on the job returned . The "new guy " is still there and seems no animosity there at  all.  Says he no longer has "anything to prove". I see absolute and direct connections to his childhood wounds and his father thru all of that mess. I think ( with men ) their job is far more significant than it is for women ( A generalization ) .

All sounds good Acorn !!
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Nas

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #6 on: January 31, 2019, 10:07:48 AM »
Quote
chasing after professional achievement and recognition
.

When my husband returned , he talked about this endlessly. That he no longer "had to be the biggest, the best, the fastest, the alpha-dog", in the workplace. He no longer felt this way at all. And he talked about this shift a lot.  Approx a year prior to BD , there was a "new guy" at his workplace. My husband took an immediate dislike to him and that has NEVER happened . And I mean never. He likes everyone, is NOT critical of others and can really be friends with all people. So it was extremely unusual. He hated this new guy and went on and on about him to his boss, to us at home , to his friends. The new guy was smart, on the ball, YOUNG  , strong and very energetic.  He was the NEW alpha-male on site and was pushing H's buttons, wounds, youth ...all of it. It was madness !. He actually had a physical "moment" by shoving the desk against the "new guy" and pushing him against the wall. ( his boss told me that ) . WHO DOES THAT ?.  He once told our marriage counsellor that 90% of his crash and burn was job related and not so much a "marriage issue". (???) . After he left our home , he actually QUIT HIS JOB!.
Now , that was the most shocking thing...I cannot tell you. But he did . At 57 years old , he was alone, unemployed and suicidal .

Surprisingly, his employer , sought him out 6 months after he quit and asked him to come back ...again who does that ??? . I never wanted him to return but he took a less competitive position and keeps his "attitude " in check with his therapist . Never has that extreme hatred or "competition " on the job returned . The "new guy " is still there and seems no animosity there at  all.  Says he no longer has "anything to prove". I see absolute and direct connections to his childhood wounds and his father thru all of that mess. I think ( with men ) their job is far more significant than it is for women ( A generalization ) .

All sounds good Acorn !!

My H's quest to be seen as important and successful by others began when his MLC began.  It has been his biggest replay activity, being a "shark" and succeeding no matter what the cost (to me especially). 
Prior to MLC he was content with our nice simple life.  He had a decent job, wasn't in management or anything but didn't really care, never expressed any interest in climbing the corporate ladder.  We did talk sometimes of finding some venture of our own because he hated working in an office. 

That's why I don't think his tunnel will ever come to an end.  He is trying to become some super successful important person.  If he succeeds, it won't ever be enough.  If he doesn't succeed, it'll be an endless loop of self-loathing and not feeling "good enough."
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #7 on: January 31, 2019, 11:11:49 AM »
Oh Acorn, I am not sure there is a better "listener" on that planet than you! But of course, your humility and constant quest to improve yourself is but one of your many redeeming qualities. And it makes that reconnection/rebuilding process so much easier for your H as he knows he has a safe place to land.

I am happy H is showering you with those "acts of service." You deserve that and more!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Treasur

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #8 on: January 31, 2019, 11:20:02 AM »
Did you used to need your h to cater to your emotional needs before, Acorn? Or does this comfort with the more one-sided aspects with your h now come from still being a bit detached or from something else?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #9 on: January 31, 2019, 12:13:10 PM »
Following along Acorn. Keep on listening Acorn.
I think it's best. Your time will come. Enjoy all of his little sweet services he does for you.
You deserve them all!!!

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #10 on: January 31, 2019, 01:19:12 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Acorn.

You are indeed an amazing listener.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Silver

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #11 on: January 31, 2019, 11:43:27 PM »
You're a special case Acorn in many ways.
I'm with you
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #12 on: January 31, 2019, 11:50:49 PM »
Following along Acorn  8)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Milly

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #13 on: February 01, 2019, 12:53:44 AM »
Joining, Acorn! How lovely that you had a trip where there are palm trees at this time of the year!

As someone else said, you are the best listener! Following along, wouldn't miss it!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #14 on: February 01, 2019, 04:00:51 AM »
Following too Acorn!! I learnt so much from you and your situation..  I think your H is trying to "finalize" who he is now by talking it out with you.. As others have said, you are such a great listener!
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Online Music45

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #15 on: February 01, 2019, 04:25:51 AM »
Attaching Acorn  :)

My H too had some work madness going on before and around BD. He was very keen to be something he's not [we both work in a creative environment and H went all "suit" - not him or where his skillset really lies at all]. Fast forward to yesterday - his last day in that job, having seen the light that he ignored 3 years ago. From today, he's freelance and back to the creative stuff with some fantastic projects lined up - albeit for half the income.
No sign of any reconciliation round these parts but reading all these work/alpha male posts has made me wonder - he was very much not that sort of chap then became very much that sort of chap until he's back to not being that sort again.
Quite a few acts of service too [you watch now, I won't hear from him for days, lol. Good old MLC]

Good luck Acorn.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #16 on: February 01, 2019, 07:30:11 AM »
Welcome to my thread, PJ, UM, Rose, Roo, Barbie, Nas, KIT, Treasur, Helping, Anjae, Silve, Whyus, Milly, One Day and Music! 

I appreciate you recognizing that fact that I very much value active listening.  That’s one of the lessons I have learned through my LBS journey and I try to practice it with everyone in my life.  What is obvious to me is that people in general don’t want concrete help in solving their problems but they need someone to listen to them with 100% attention.  That IS the help they seek.  H is no exception.  He does not need my opinions, sermons about his stupid MLC choices, and my advices.  I’m not his counsellor, the preacher or the judge.  He would like a good listener and I can certainly do that.  I just need a zip in good working order and a pair of virtual hearing aids and I’m very pleased that he keeps talking to me!  I will continue to keep my non-judgemental ears open.  He does invite my thoughts and I don’t hesitate to share them, albeit keeping my verbal expressions short and sweet.

Treasur asked a couple questions:

Did you used to need your h to cater to your emotional needs before, Acorn? Or does this comfort with the more one-sided aspects with your h now come from still being a bit detached or from something else?

What I’m about to say is all in hindsight.

I expected H to love, trust, protect and support me.  I expected the same from myself toward H.  Are they emotional needs or reasonable expectations between husband and wife?  I think the latter.

Immediately following the atomic BD, all of the above vanished overnight.  Literally.  It was such a shock and I plunged into a very dark place and desperately wanted H to cater to my emotional needs.  I told H that my happiness depended on him.  Isn’t that a miserable and pathetic thing to say?  I have forgiven myself for having been so emotionally weak and desperately needy. 

As I recovered slowly, so did my sense of being a whole and complete person with, or without, H.  I didn’t need him to make me whole.  I was enough.  Yes, I wanted him as a life long companion because I loved him.

I would like H to cater to my emotional wants - to be loved deeply by him - when he is healed.

It was H that had always expected me to cater to his emotional needs. (This is in hindsight.) He knew that I didn’t need him to do that for me and he resented it.  In one of those rare clear moments, he blurted out in a sarcastic and resentful way, ‘YOU don’t need me’.  Implicit in the message is - I need your emotional catering but you don’t need mine, and I’m cross about it. 

Now he is getting to that stage where he is learning to support himself emotionally.   I think that is one of the most notable ‘improvements’ or ‘maturtaion’ brought about by MLC process. 

I fully understand that self focussed aspect of H’s talks is part of his journey of healing.  My being OK with this aspect is not because of detachment but of my understanding of where he is at.  I want him to be self focussed.  I want him to heal through focussing on his issues because I love him.  Self focus is the only way forward for H.  In other words, he needs to concentrate on his own healing.  LBS is told time and again to focus on ourselves to heal, learn more about ourselves and change for the better.  MLCers are the same.  If they don’t pay their full attention to their each and every step, they could easily stumble and fall.  Though I cannot do a thing about him standing still or walking forward (I can not control his journey), I would never want to be that stumbling block by asking him to take his focus away from himself by waving my arms and shouting, ‘hey, look at me.  How about ME?!!!’
« Last Edit: February 01, 2019, 07:54:52 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2019, 08:57:48 AM »

I would never want to be that stumbling block by asking him to take his focus away from himself by waving my arms and shouting, ‘hey, look at me.  How about ME?!!!’


Yep--right here! This is exactly the problem with so many of us. We want so desperately to just be "heard" by our MLCer. B/c in a sense that gives us validation. And of course it is so easy to be in victim mode. But the thing is, there is no need for validation if we are doing the right thing. We can be sad, yes. But the blame and the constant need for our MLCer to be the source of our happiness has to stop. And that is a massive struggle. I am so happy you articulate this so wonderfully.  It is a great comfort.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #18 on: February 01, 2019, 11:09:39 AM »
I expected H to love, trust, protect and support me.  I expected the same from myself toward H.  Are they emotional needs or reasonable expectations between husband and wife?  I think the latter.

Those are reasonable expectations between husband and wife. What would a husband/wife be for?

As for listening. It may be most people just want to be heard. I am so-so with listening. Often, it tends to drain me. But I manage to do a good job with the wife of my cousin that had MLC. Also with my cousin and a few other people, including former and current MLCers.

However, as a general rule, people come ask for my opinion and what do I think of this or that or how this or that could be solved. So, with me, is more people looking for advice.

Listening to Mr J? Don't think so. He can hire professional help to listen to him.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #19 on: February 01, 2019, 11:35:04 AM »
Listening to Mr J? Don't think so. He can hire professional help to listen to him.

Anjae, you gave me an idea.  I should get a badge (‘Professional Listener’) and wear it when he starts talking and start charging him a fee.  That would come out of our bank account and then go right back in!   ;D
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #20 on: February 01, 2019, 11:47:15 AM »
Anjae, you gave me an idea.  I should get a badge (‘Professional Listener’) and wear it when he starts talking and start charging him a fee.  That would come out of our bank account and then go right back in!   ;D

Professional Listener! Loved it. Sounds like a great idea, Acorn!  ;D

The thing with Mr J hiring professional help to listen to him is:

a) I want a husband/partner. Someone with whom to share normal life talks, not listen to the MLCer talking about his fog/things done in fog, etc.

b) After hearing real life MLCers and reading here for years what MLCers say, pretty much all MLCers say the same things when out of the fog. Therefore, with minor variotions, I already have heard what Mr J will have to say.

I may be open to read what he has to say.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #21 on: February 01, 2019, 12:33:11 PM »
It does not matter to me if H were to repeat everything other MLCers have said.  He isn’t any ‘other’ MLCer, he is my beloved H!  The ‘same’ thing coming out of his mouth takes on a whole lot of emoitonal meaning because he is precious to me.  Other MLCers have nothing to do with me.  Just as my kids spouted the same nonsense like all other teenagers and I knew about what they all say (eg. Parents just don’t get it)  it does not mean that I don’t need to listen to them.  What they said was straight from the teenager manual but I listened to them with my heart. Same with my MLCer.  It’s not just the content, though very captivating, but it’s the building of trust and relationship through talking and listening that is very beneficial to both of us.  I can feel a little bit more of the wall coming down every time we talk, never mind about what. 

I actually find it enlightening to listen to H talk about what he has learned.  So far, he has not talked about what the ‘fog’ was like.  He may never talk about it and that’s perfectly fine with me.  I’m currently learning what issues he was dealing with and what the ‘new’ Mr. Acorn is.  I’m kind of planning on spending the rest of my life with him (he expressed the same) so it’s important that I hear carefully to what he has to say. I spend my time and attention on his words.  That’s respect, as well as love, I’m showing him. 

Sorry, Anjae, this is no rebuttal of any kind to your view point.  You are entitled to it.  I happen to have a different take on this listening business. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #22 on: February 01, 2019, 12:44:54 PM »
Acorn, as you know, I was talking about why I don't have an interest in listenint to Mr J.

He no longer is my beloved husband. He is not even my beloved. Just someone I once spend many years with of whom I have a vague, found memory. Maybe that makes a difference.

Years ago I would be delighted to listen to Mr J. Not anymore. Does time always changes the matter for the LBS? I don't know. To me, it did.

I prefer to be showed/seen in actions what Mr J has learned with his MLC. When he is out of the fog, of course. For now, he remains in Replay.

My cousin has far more to do with me than Mr J. He has been my cousin since I was 3 years old, stayed my cousin when the man who was my husband no longer was a hunsband, and will remain my cousin until the day one of us dies. My cousin is far more precious and important to me than Mr J.

I understand why for you it is important to listen to your husband. And why it most likely is important to many LBS to listen to their MLCer. It is not longer the case for me for the reasons I explained. Like I said, I may be willing to read what Mr J has to say. And I am all for Mr J to show me is changes. Providing they are for the better. I am not interested in changes for the worst.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #23 on: February 01, 2019, 12:52:58 PM »
I understand, Anjae.  If I were in your situation, I might think the same way.  It is interesting to see different perspectives depending on what R looks like and how much time has passed.
Thanks for sharing your POV many years down and under difference circumstances. 

If someone were in your position and adopted my attitude, it may not be best for LBS’s emotional health.  And if someone was in my position and adopted your attitude toward listening, it may not be helpful for rebuilding M. 

Horses for courses.  Right, Anjae?
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #24 on: February 01, 2019, 01:13:47 PM »
I think listening and talking should be a two way street. It's great to show all this compassion for your H, but sometimes your approach seems to be a bit too much sacrificing yourself to be honest. You deserve to be listened to just as much as he does. But that's your choice. However, you've learned a lot during this whole process too. Why aren't YOU sharing that with your husband?

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #25 on: February 01, 2019, 01:48:05 PM »
If someone were in your position and adopted my attitude, it may not be best for LBS’s emotional health.  And if someone was in my position and adopted your attitude toward listening, it may not be helpful for rebuilding M. 

Agree.

Horses for courses.  Right, Anjae?

Indeed.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #26 on: February 01, 2019, 01:49:38 PM »
Dear Acorn and you Beloved husband... I do consider my husband "beloved". I think that our religious faith and beliefs have a great deal to do with how we treat our spouses....forgiveness being a big part of it. Those beliefs will impact how we respond to our beloveds.

I talked a great deal in our marriage...indeed one of my divorceable offense was I talked too much (the other is I am too intense).....if he were ever to start talking to me, I'd be very happy to listen to him.

There is also a difference in what people think should happen when a MLCer wishes to reconcile...some people feel the need to have all their questions answered, some feel the need to "hold their feet to the fire" others will be ok with letting the past remain in the past....

Once again, it is the individual's couple's way of interacting, building up trust and honesty...we always say it will be a new marriage and indeed it is.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #27 on: February 01, 2019, 02:28:29 PM »
Goner, you make blunt but good comments and ask delving questions.  That’s my Goner!

A two way street is good.  Just different volume of traffic each way right now.  His words are tumbling out.  He gets more lanes.  I’m whole, he is trying to be whole.  He gets to talk a lot, I get to hear a lot. 

I don’t feel in anyway that I’m sacrificing.  What’s there to sacrifice???  My H has fully committed himself to me and M, he told me he loves me, he loves to talk with me about his issues and his visions for the future, and respectfully listens to my views.  He couldn’t be more courteous and considerate toward me.  This is my dream come true! I could not have imagined this scene a couple of years ago.  One is deemed to be sacrificing if she loses much in the process.  I’m not losing but gaining tremendously.

I deserve to be heard?  Sure, everyone deserves to be heard.  Only if the listener does not know what you are about to say.  He knows how much and deeply I suffered.  I don’t need to tell him again for the 10th time!  Besides, I do not feel any need to talk about my pain again.  I’m healed.

I don’t need to spell out what I have learned.  H is not deaf and dumb, nor is he dull.  He can see I kept my core, added a few positive attributes and got rid of some I didn’t care to keep.  The fact that he continues to talk to me about his innermost thoughts are a proof  he KNOWS what I have learned.  He knows he has an empathetic listener in me.  He knows I have gained some measure of humility (I used have an answer for everything!  blush!); I’m no longer judgemental but more understanding; I have become much more patient; I’ve learned to zip judiciously and that I mentor many people in real life.  Would he talk to me if I didn’t learn those positive things?  I don’t think so...

If I have to talk about my newly learned lessons to make him see them, that’d not much of a lesson in my view.   We look for actions, not words from MLCer,  I think it is the same for LBS and everyone else. 
« Last Edit: February 01, 2019, 02:37:47 PM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #28 on: February 01, 2019, 02:32:11 PM »
Just saw your comment, xyzcf.  I agree with every word you said.  I wish to remain true to my character and my faith.  I have no desire or need to ‘copy’ the way other people handled their situations while reconciling and rebuilding.  We are unique in every way. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #29 on: February 01, 2019, 03:13:47 PM »
Acorn it sounds like your actions are being very well heard :P.

I would be more than happy to be a sounding board for my H if he wanted to process his learning via talking to me.  Men don't traditionally sort their thoughts that way so it's very interesting (if that's what he is doing).

I would also encourage the self focus because my H has leaned on me emotionally far more than I have on him and he has also been known to get a bit miffed at the thought of me not needing him.  Anything that looks like he is finding his way to 'found' would be a joy for me to observe (and participate in).
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #30 on: February 01, 2019, 05:21:41 PM »
Quote
I think that our religious faith and beliefs have a great deal to do with how we treat our spouses....forgiveness being a big part of it. Those beliefs will impact how we respond to our beloveds.
.

Yes, I have noted this as well and I do believe that it has everything to do with the very unique ways we survive trauma in our marriage, how we heal and how we forgive. I believe Acorn and her H are devout Catholic , raised in that faith etc. ( correct me if I am wrong about that ). Forgiveness is a "must" whereas for others it will be a long process. Acorn states she is healed ... I have experienced all of it far differently . I believe deep religious lifelong commitments make a huge difference in how we move thru life. It can take years to recover from betrayal, infidelity, loss of identity  etc ... but I guess for some , that simply is not true. Maybe a deep faith in God changes all things .

Quote
There is also a difference in what people think should happen when a MLCer wishes to reconcile...some people feel the need to have all their questions answered, some feel the need to "hold their feet to the fire" others will be ok with letting the past remain in the past....
.

Absolutely true . And so many other variables . My husbands crisis absolutely put me into a shattering crisis of my own, hit all of my childhood wounds that were sitting dormant , did physically leave creating an abandonment that felt catastrophic... because I already HAD that wound inside of me. Having all daughters was so humiliating and a deep quandry about what I wanted to model as their mother... and my own mother deeply hurting me during this time. I wanted ALL questions answered in the extreme ...over and over and over and over again. And yes..any part of him that would burn was held close to a raging fire... and it still hurts . So, I am "miffed"  (lol!) by the lovely Acorn and her seemingly "easy" ( could not think of a better word) path to reconciliation .  It does not mean there is any right or wrong ...it means "different" perspectives, childhoods, faith, religion, expectations etc.  But onward we all go ...



Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #31 on: February 02, 2019, 06:25:18 AM »
H and I are Christians first of all, and Protestant, if further categorization is needed.

I believe that forgiveness cannot be forced (‘must’) but given of free will.  Exercising that free will finds its origin in the fact that I have been forgiven much by God and my loved ones.  I messed up time and again, and I was forgiven!   For me, forgiveness is the ultimate ‘letting go’ - one lets go of the debt of the offender.

You are right, Barbie, many variables play into how one deals with trials of life, MLC included.  Every situation is unique and we deal with it in our own unique ways, to state the obvious.

Yes, I agree we’ve had a smooth ride so far in our reconciliation and rebuilding, however, who knows how long this calmness will last or we will ever be able to declare all is well in our marriage.  But I can’t worry about the future.  I can only deal with today. 

As you said, ‘onward we all go’. 
« Last Edit: February 02, 2019, 06:52:04 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #32 on: February 02, 2019, 11:23:06 AM »
Holding on to the hate only cuts YOU.

Forgiveness is for OUR benefit.

You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #33 on: February 02, 2019, 12:56:31 PM »
Holding on to the hate only cuts YOU.

Forgiveness is for OUR benefit.
But forgiveness and hate are not your only options. You don't have to forgive (and everyone's definition of forgiveness can differ) to move on, or reconnect or even reconcile, imo. All you have to do is to let the past be the past and allow their current behavior be your guide. Accepting that does not not mean forgiveness, in my book, and everyone's mileage may vary.

I don't hate my XH. I also don't forgive what he did. I also am open to my entire future, and if he pops into it, I'll deal with that as HIS behavior dictates I need to. If the same guy who left shows up, but still wants to get together, the answer is no. If a different, better rounded and adjusted man shows up, options are open.  I don't have to forgive what he did for those options to be open, or for me to put his previous behavior in the past.

We all move forward our own way.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #34 on: February 02, 2019, 06:29:12 PM »
To me, it would be very hard to lead a life with a returning MLCer unless there was forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean forget nor does it mean not held the person accountable for their acts.

Forgiveness also does not mean reconnection or reconciliation. But forgiveness is for us.

Let go is a lot like forgiviness. At least to me.

Hate is not something I see as worthy. LBS may have an anger/rage/hate phase towards their MLCer, but if is does not go away, it serves no one.

If the same Mr J who left shows up it really is a no. Not even as a friend. His normal improved self? I don't know. Maybe as a friend or professional acquaintance.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #35 on: February 03, 2019, 03:55:55 AM »
You don't have to forgive (and everyone's definition of forgiveness can differ) to move on, or reconnect or even reconcile, imo. All you have to do is to let the past be the past and allow their current behavior be your guide. Accepting that does not not mean forgiveness, in my book, and everyone's mileage may vary.

Letting the past be in the past...and not judging their current self on that...is the very definition of forgiveness is it not?
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #36 on: February 03, 2019, 04:38:54 AM »
Goner, you make blunt but good comments and ask delving questions.  That’s my Goner!

A two way street is good.  Just different volume of traffic each way right now.  His words are tumbling out.  He gets more lanes.  I’m whole, he is trying to be whole.  He gets to talk a lot, I get to hear a lot. 

I don’t feel in anyway that I’m sacrificing.  What’s there to sacrifice???  My H has fully committed himself to me and M, he told me he loves me, he loves to talk with me about his issues and his visions for the future, and respectfully listens to my views.  He couldn’t be more courteous and considerate toward me.  This is my dream come true! I could not have imagined this scene a couple of years ago.  One is deemed to be sacrificing if she loses much in the process.  I’m not losing but gaining tremendously.

I deserve to be heard?  Sure, everyone deserves to be heard.  Only if the listener does not know what you are about to say.  He knows how much and deeply I suffered.  I don’t need to tell him again for the 10th time!  Besides, I do not feel any need to talk about my pain again.  I’m healed.

I don’t need to spell out what I have learned.  H is not deaf and dumb, nor is he dull.  He can see I kept my core, added a few positive attributes and got rid of some I didn’t care to keep.  The fact that he continues to talk to me about his innermost thoughts are a proof  he KNOWS what I have learned.  He knows he has an empathetic listener in me.  He knows I have gained some measure of humility (I used have an answer for everything!  blush!); I’m no longer judgemental but more understanding; I have become much more patient; I’ve learned to zip judiciously and that I mentor many people in real life.  Would he talk to me if I didn’t learn those positive things?  I don’t think so...

If I have to talk about my newly learned lessons to make him see them, that’d not much of a lesson in my view.   We look for actions, not words from MLCer,  I think it is the same for LBS and everyone else.

You sound healed Acorn. You sound strong inside, remining me of BBHelp. There’s no anger coming out of you towards any comments, no bitterness and no avoidance of difficult views. I love reading LBS threads where they ooze respect for themselves as they are happy inside.

Just writing this quickly so hopefully it makes sense!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #37 on: February 03, 2019, 11:41:42 AM »
Wow, forgiveness is a hot topic!  Maybe someone should start a discussion thread if there isn’t one yet.

There’s no anger coming out of you towards any comments, no bitterness and no avoidance of difficult views.

You are right, Rose. I do not feel anger when I read the comments on my thread because they are not insults or personal attacks. 

People express views formed by their own experiences and circumstances.  Their comments and questions are often more about them than it is about me.  They reflect their own story.  Likewise, when I comment on other threads, my identity/beliefs/experiences/circumstance are woven into what I write.  Words sometimes reveal who we are much more than what our opinions are, I believe.  My 2 cents’.

I’m grateful for comments because:

- they encourage me to consider different perspectives that are not available in the narrow parameters of my life
- they make me focus and think deeply on a given issue and encourage me to make it concrete by giving written words to it.  What was hazy in my mind becomes clearer.

My thanks to the commentators on my thread!  I continue to learn from you.
« Last Edit: February 03, 2019, 11:44:13 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #38 on: February 03, 2019, 01:11:24 PM »
You don't have to forgive (and everyone's definition of forgiveness can differ) to move on, or reconnect or even reconcile, imo. All you have to do is to let the past be the past and allow their current behavior be your guide. Accepting that does not not mean forgiveness, in my book, and everyone's mileage may vary.

Letting the past be in the past...and not judging their current self on that...is the very definition of forgiveness is it not?
It's not my definition, but that's part of my point.  :) For most people the definition of forgive is :  to cease to feel resentment against. That is one of the current definitions online.  My definition is the old definition from 20 or so years ago: Absolve from their actions.

I can accept someone's actions and not absolve (declare (someone) free from blame, guilt, or responsibility) them of their actions. They are still responsible for those actions. So with my definition, it's not my place to forgive them. Their actions are, and will always be, their own. I can still be at peace by accepting that those actions are theirs and nothing to do with me.

My point was really that there is not just Hate or Forgiveness, there are other choices that lead to peace in our souls. That was all.

Back to Acorn's regularly scheduled thread.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #39 on: February 03, 2019, 03:43:27 PM »
Quote
Holding on to the hate only cuts YOU.
Forgiveness is for OUR benefit.

Bingo Mortesbride! I think this is especially important when the offending person has no remorse. 

Also totally agree with Acorn on this:
Quote
Exercising that free will finds its origin in the fact that I have been forgiven much by God and my loved ones.


My understanding is that forgiveness grows from humility. I've been forgiven for much. Not the same things my W has done, but other things. And if I expect to be forgiven for my sins/faults/whatevers, how can I be unforgiving to someone else? I'm not qualified to be anyone's judge. But of course it's important to note that forgiving a person is not the same as excusing or forgetting their actions. Actions still have consequences.

Acorn - I understand where you're coming on the talking vs. listening. What's the point of talking to someone who has nothing to offer in return? Someone who's bucket is empty? BBHelp talked about "Emotional Starvation" in his lessons learned thread. Our MLCers might not be in a place yet where they can meet our emotional needs. It's not fair that we are carrying more than our share of the load, but it may be a reality we have to accept in order to make any progress. Yes, I'm aware my situation is different than some others so just my two cents.

Acorn - you're doing great! Thanks for sharing your story. Hope I didn't hijack it.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #40 on: February 03, 2019, 04:30:53 PM »
Wow, forgiveness is a hot topic!  Maybe someone should start a discussion thread if there isn’t one yet.

Of course there is a thread about forgiveness. Or several.   ;) ;D


Main Board:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9573.0 - Forgiveness

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9106.0 -  A Journey Towards Forgiveness : The Gift

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8803.0 - Forgiving EA/PA


Archives:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4561.0 - FORGIVENESS

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2420.0 - Forgiving OW/OP/Spouse

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1961.0 - Forgiveness course

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1193.0 - What is the percentage of spouses who have divorced decide to reconcile on this forum
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline BBhelp

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #41 on: February 03, 2019, 10:40:41 PM »
You are doing great Acorn.   Keep it up.

BB
First Thread:  Back After A Long Break http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0

Random Thoughts From Hard Earned Lessons: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #42 on: February 04, 2019, 08:38:12 AM »
Catching up Acorn. As always it's great advice and helps me along my journey by following along. 
I agree for the marriage to make it through all of this, forgiveness is a huge part. IMO it's a must. But we all have different opinions.
I think with my W I'll never get the FULL explanation of WHY?!?!?! All this happenned.  So I agree I don't see any need to pry anymore. If she shares, I will LISTEN. 
I agree that our MLCer is not anybody else's MLCer. They are ours. I like example about kids. My son has said so many times. Well they did ...... I tell him IDC what they did. Your MY son.
Steady as you go Acorn. I think your doing it perfectly. It's ok to let your H have more lanes than you. One day he will take the exit ramp onto ACORN street. Hang in there Acorn.

Offline Yellowroseoftexas

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #43 on: February 04, 2019, 02:03:30 PM »
Hello Acorn.  I’m following your thread.   
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #44 on: February 04, 2019, 08:25:00 PM »
Attaching
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #45 on: February 05, 2019, 05:26:43 AM »
Thank you, PJ, Anjae, BBhelp, Helping, Yellowrose and FW, for reading and commenting on this thread!

Anjae, you are the best!  Look at all those discussion threads on Forgiveness!  The sheer number of them attests to the fact that it is on LBSs’ minds a lot and we struggle with the concept.  It may also show that we are willing to forgive and look for the ways to do it.  All good stuff.

——————

I was springcleaning my massive collection of notes on MLC, etc. and came across the following summary of Amy Morin’s ‘13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do’.  These 13 points gave me concrete goals for my mirror work, which was ultimately the best form of GAL for me.  I’d thought it worthwhile to post it here to remind myself to keep working on the following points because my personal development is never done until my last day on earth.  I hope a few of you may find it useful as well. 

From https://amymorinlcsw.com/mentally-strong-people/

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do. By Amy Morin

1. They Don’t Waste Time Feeling Sorry for Themselves

Mentally strong people don’t sit around feeling sorry about their circumstances or how others have treated them. Instead, they take responsibility for their role in life and understand that life isn’t always easy or fair.

2. They Don’t Give Away Their Power

They don’t allow others to control them, and they don’t give someone else power over them. They don’t say things like, “My boss makes me feel bad,” because they understand that they are in control over their own emotions and they have a choice in how they respond.

3. They Don’t Shy Away from Change

Mentally strong people don’t try to avoid change. Instead, they welcome positive change and are willing to be flexible. They understand that change is inevitable and believe in their abilities to adapt.

4. They Don’t Waste Energy on Things They Can’t Control

You won’t hear a mentally strong person complaining over lost luggage or traffic jams. Instead, they focus on what they can control in their lives. They recognize that sometimes, the only thing they can control is their attitude.

5. They Don’t Worry About Pleasing Everyone

Mentally strong people recognize that they don’t need to please everyone all the time. They’re not afraid to say no or speak up when necessary. They strive to be kind and fair, but can handle other people being upset if they didn’t make them happy.

6. They Don’t Fear Taking Calculated Risks

They don’t take reckless or foolish risks, but don’t mind taking calculated risks. Mentally strong people spend time weighing the risks and benefits before making a big decision, and they’re fully informed of the potential downsides before they take action.

7. They Don’t Dwell on the Past

Mentally strong people don’t waste time dwelling on the past and wishing things could be different. They acknowledge their past and can say what they’ve learned from it. However, they don’t constantly relive bad experiences or fantasize about the glory days. Instead, they live for the present and plan for the future.

8. They Don’t Make the Same Mistakes Over and Over

They accept responsibility for their behavior and learn from their past mistakes. As a result, they don’t keep repeating those mistakes over and over. Instead, they move on and make better decisions in the future.

9. They Don’t Resent Other People’s Success

Mentally strong people can appreciate and celebrate other people’s success in life. They don’t grow jealous or feel cheated when others surpass them. Instead, they recognize that success comes with hard work, and they are willing to work hard for their own chance at success.

10. They Don’t Give Up After the First Failure

They don’t view failure as a reason to give up. Instead, they use failure as an opportunity to grow and improve. They are willing to keep trying until they get it right.

11. They Don’t Fear Alone Time

Mentally strong people can tolerate being alone and they don’t fear silence. They aren’t afraid to be alone with their thoughts and they can use downtime to be productive. They enjoy their own company and aren’t dependent on others for companionship and entertainment all the time but instead can be happy alone.

12. They Don’t Feel the World Owes Them Anything

They don’t feel entitled to things in life. They weren’t born with a mentality that others would take care of them or that the world must give them something. Instead, they look for opportunities based on their own merits.

13. They Don’t Expect Immediate Results

Whether they are working on improving their health or getting a new business off the ground, mentally strong people don’t expect immediate results. Instead, they apply their skills and time to the best of their ability and understand that real change takes time.
« Last Edit: February 05, 2019, 06:14:35 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #46 on: February 05, 2019, 06:34:29 AM »
A bit of background to the post above as a reminder to myself how crushed, powerless and hopeless I felt at the beginning of my LBS journey.  I get you, newbies.

——————

I don’t know how I managed to stay alive in the early days of H’s MLC.  I was incredibly fragile in the many months immediately following BD.  I felt shredded.  I was finding a little bit of equilibrium at one year mark and then I found out about his A.  Back to square one.  I put one foot ahead of the other for quite some time after that only because of my kids. 

At last came a time I wanted to be done with that zombie state and regain my strength.  Where does one go when faced with serious issues in life?  Google. 

In my search for an inspiration that could kick start my strength recovery programme, I came across ‘13 things mentally strong people don’t do’ list by Amy Morin.  I bought the book as well.  It’s what our grandmothers have always told us and they are all common sense.   

Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Stand Tall

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #47 on: February 05, 2019, 06:42:03 AM »
Acorn,

  I've been following along with your thread and can't thank you enough for showing how its done. Baby steps. I'm in my 11th month being a LBS and have learned so much from people like you and feel so blessed that I was guided to this forum. Before my H ran away from home I knew nothing about MLC.

  Through these 11 months I have learned from people like you that I am strong enough to find and be "ME" and that being me is a good thing. I've learned zip it  :-X, listen and patience. I've also learned "GAL" Very strong learning points. Something I have taken into my journey. So I thank you and all of those here on HS who so patiently show use what to do. 

  Then you shared the 13 things mentally strong people don't do. Excellent. I immediately printed it for my own use. Thank you again.

  I think you are doing a wonderful job allowing you H to slowly come forth and work through the remaining obstacles of his MLC. It shows how having patience, keeping it zipped and listening brings us closer to why we are here in the first place.

  God bless you and your H,
-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline Whyus

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #48 on: February 05, 2019, 06:57:19 AM »
Hi Acorn, forgivness. i just dont have it in me atm. and I see no Change in the near future. I know that i am the only one why can get hurt by this but I just dont see it.

Your list 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do is awesome.
I used to be mentally strong before BD, this list just confirms that. Now when I read through i am the complete opposite if im honest. Still alot to do but I cannot see myself being that guy again unfortunately. This sucks bigtime, im a Little under the weather today so maybe thats why im so negative, I hope so  :o
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #49 on: February 05, 2019, 07:01:42 AM »
It shows how having patience, keeping it zipped and listening brings us closer to why we are here in the first place.

Stand, I am grateful that my story helps you.  ((((HUGS)))))

The above quote is because I’m mentally stronger of us two right now.  I say this without any conceit.  He is the one in crisis.  I was, too (albeit not of my own doing), but I’m ahead of him in the healing process.  The stronger one lends a hand to the one that needs it.  The stronger one listens, validates and offers opinions if asked. 
Man, this really does sounds conceited!  But I assure you, it’s just a fact of life. 

In order to be in a place of zipping judiciously, keeping boundaries rock solid, being patient, show grace and unconditional love, one has to be mentally strong.  Hence, the 13 things. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #50 on: February 05, 2019, 07:08:53 AM »
I’ve got to run but just wanted to encourage you, Whyus.

I felt like you innumerable times...  So, I understand.
The fact that you reflected on yourself after reading the 13 things tells me that you are self aware and know what to work on.  You also sensibly pointed out that you are under the weather today.  Just as the weather changes from day to day, so will your own emotional weather.  I’ve been there, Whyus...

The ‘weather’ will become more sunny, all unawares, when you just keep one foot ahead of the other, becasue that means you ARE walking forward.

Re forgiveness.  We know it can’t be forced or hurried.  It will just come one day.  I didn’t even realize that I had forgiven H until I saw it standing in front of me. 

((((((HUGS))))))), Whyus.  You shall overcome.
« Last Edit: February 05, 2019, 07:10:44 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #51 on: February 05, 2019, 07:42:26 AM »
Thank you for the list Acorn.  Good reminders all the way around!

Quote
Re forgiveness.  We know it can’t be forced or hurried.  It will just come one day.  I didn’t even realize that I had forgiven H until I saw it standing in front of me. 

I agree completely.  I think it may have hit me last weekend while I was on my own.  The best description I can give is it feels like all of the sudden I undid the chain of the past that I was dragging behind me.  I feel light and I feel happy.  Even my H noticed, last night he said “You seem so happy since you got home Roo and that makes me happy”.   I think it is standing in front of me now.  After 3 years I finally feel free. 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #52 on: February 05, 2019, 08:21:37 AM »
Thanks Acorn. Great list. #13 is a tough one for a lot of us I'm sure.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #53 on: February 05, 2019, 10:35:35 AM »
Love this list Acorn. I live reading your thread bc you are constantly striving to better yourself. It would be so easy to become bitter and depressed after all this. And I would never judge anyone who does end up that way bc I know too well the painful journey of the LBS. but, as you so very often point out, we are the source of our own happiness. We just have to find it again. And I do believe it starts with forgiveness.

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #54 on: February 05, 2019, 02:01:38 PM »
You're welcome, Acorn.

Nice list.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #55 on: February 05, 2019, 02:03:41 PM »
Roo, PJ and KIT, thank you for sharing your thoughts on forgiveness and the 13 points.

I’m glad the 13 points are helpful/interesting for some.  I doubt anyone can attain 100% (or even 50%) of the ‘don’t do’ list, but just being aware of them was good enough for me to start disentangling myself somewhat from H’s MLC.  It encouraged me to leave ‘poor me’ behind and become proactive about leaving H to his journey and start focussing on me and the kids.  I think being aware of those points (that’s to say, attaining 1%???) helped me to get strong enough to address detachment and see the wisdom in zipping and patience. 

I had forgotten about the list for a while and now that I rediscovered it, I’m going to read it regularly to inspire me. 

Added later for Anjae:  :)

« Last Edit: February 05, 2019, 02:04:59 PM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #56 on: February 05, 2019, 04:34:25 PM »
Thanks for the list Acorn, it's a good reminder to us all to keep getting better at life and improving ourselves.

I agree with the list wholeheartedly and believe I was emotionally mature before xH's crisis hit and became even more 'whole' due having to pull up my big girl panties when he left.

I may have very slight issues with a couple e of things on the list but generally I nodded my head at each one as I feel I've accomplished each quite well.  I also thinks it's the reason I've been able to stand for my marriage for so long - I hnave very little judgement of xH's actions and a good understanding of MLC and a great relationship with myself.

You have a similar level of self understanding and love too and it's the reason you are doing so well with your H.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #57 on: February 05, 2019, 05:07:05 PM »
It is a great list Acorn and I printed it ( twice) . One at my desk and one at his . So thanks for that as it is awesome and inspiring and thing to "grow " towards .

Quote

Hi Acorn, forgivness. i just dont have it in me atm. and I see no Change in the near future. I know that i am the only one why can get hurt by this but I just dont see it.

Your list 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do is awesome.
I used to be mentally strong before BD, this list just confirms that. Now when I read through i am the complete opposite if im honest. Still alot to do but I cannot see myself being that guy again unfortunately. This sucks bigtime, im a Little under the weather today so maybe thats why im so negative, I hope so  :o
.

I can honestly say that I relate to Whyus over and over again. I believe I am so far from forgivness ...well, I cannot even see it in the horizon. BUT ...I know it is a gift for ME and I believe that with everything in me . Still, I cannot find this inside of me. Maybe we feel we are not worthy of this gift in some crazy way?  I am always searching to find the answer to this . Imagine being FREE of all of this and just letting it all go and be done with it and have some kind of peace again?  I want that ...and I KNOW Whyus is striving for the same thing. We just have to keep moving forward and find what seems to be missing inside of us . ( sorrrry for the "forgivness " hi-jack again!)



Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #58 on: February 05, 2019, 10:21:46 PM »
Thank you Acorn and Barbie for the Kind words and "getting it".
Its like forgivness is the last Major hurdle we Need to get over to find our inner peace. Unfortunately it seems to be the highest hurdle of all. Maybe one day I will be able to look XW in the eye and say "I forgive you for everything that has happened" or maybe I will just Keep it to myself.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #59 on: February 06, 2019, 05:15:10 AM »
SF, having a ‘great relationship with myself’ is LBS 101!  Without it, one really cannot advance to the next level.  Self reflection, learning and development are the foundations upon which living well and living authentically, despite MLC and MLCer, is founded.

Barbie, you did not hijack.  Forgiveness is one of the most important topics in my view.  We cannot talk about it enough as I regard it as a key corner stone of my state of being and my R with H. 

Barbie and Whyus, I, too, see forgiveness as essential in my emoitonal freedom, to let go of the pain and brooding resentment.  It is the ultimate letting go of the past and the negative emotions associated with it.  It does not mean forgetting or ignoring the consequences.  It’s taking out the terrible dis-ease from my mind.  It is about gaining peace.

——————

Journalling.

H and I are inching closer and closer to each other.  It feels good to just be a couple, talking about anything and everything under the sun, joking and teasing, being attentive to each other and respectful of each other’s views.  It used to be this way before MLC and I’m grateful to have this kind of ease and comity between the two of us. 

I’ve been mulling over what happened in the last 14 months or so and I acutely feel the need to remind myself of the progress we have made, lest I become impatient and want more and quicker.  One can’t see any progress week to week, or sometimes, month to month.  It is not all that hard to sigh and become despondent about the slow pace of recovery process in all things related to MLC.  To prevent myself going to that place, I would like to record the perspective I should keep in mind, i.e. the big picture.  It is that easy to become myopic in dealing with MLC and MLCer, and don’t I know it!

I acknowledge that H put his back into reconnecting.  And, for a long time. One could sense his steely determination to repair what he had broken.  He was deliberate and methodical about it - frequent, consistent and tangible actions.  All I had to do was respond positively and appropriately.  Ignoring or gushing about his sincere efforts would not have been helpful.  (I’m reminded that it is the kind of attitude I need to keep in mind when interacting with everyone, not just MLCer.)

And then things got kicked into the next gear in early January this year.

Before then, I felt we were maintaining the status quo in reconnecting.  It was a pleasant state of being, mind you.  However, I saw that something had to push it to the next stage but I didn’t know what.  It turns out that my voicing of forgiveness was the needed propellant to push our relationship forward.  Who would have thought that H needed to hear my forgiveness to let go of the last remaining sense of exile/alienation from me and the family and make him thoroughly feel  ‘I’m home’?!  He looks like a man that shed a huge burden.  He wanted to put it down but the person to whom he owed that burden had to give him the nod. 

It is entirely possible that he could have taken my forgiveness as a pass for his wrong doings or taken me as a doormat.  He didn’t do that.  He was healed enough (and mature enough), to accept it at its full significance.  He was sincerely grateful and continues to show that.  (A paean or two about me might be nice but, alas, I doubt that is part of MLC lessons. ;D) He shows his gratitude in the way he prioritizes me and the kids where as we didn’t even exist in his world while he was enveloped in MLC fog. 

Forgiveness in our situation is for the both of us, though I can see how it is for the giver only in many cases.  It is as though we both put down unbearably heavy burdens.  There is a sense of lightness of being. 

It’s my birthday this Friday.  H is like a little boy whose own birthday is coming up.  He has been organizing this and that.  He used to do that pre-MLC.  Even in the middle of MLC he organized celebratory dinners and thoughtful gifts but without any sign of pleasure.  Duty, you know.  He has done a 180 and now is back to his boyish enthusiasm organizing surprises for me.  It warms my cockles to see that...

——————
H had a stream of consciousness moment last night and offered a series of vignettes on his current mindset. The theme was his acceptance of his father’s failings (in H’s eyes) and see his positive attributes.  That’s new. 

The theme in H’s view of F has gone through several distinct stages of metamorphosis from BD to the present time:

At the beginning and during replay: ‘My father is the biggest jerk in the world.  I hate him and I’m spitting mad at him’

While reconnecting: “He is a jerk but that’s who he is and it’s not about me’

Last night: ‘He is a jerk but I can see he doesn’t mean to be one.  He is not even aware of it.  I also see how gentle, kind and loving he is to people.’ 

If I were to summarize the transformation, H is leaving behind his truculent defiance (teenager-like) toward his father and adopting a holistic view of him.  Less emotional, more objective.  That’s part of his growth. 

Thank you for letting me share my journey!

Added later: shoot, that is loooong.  Sorry about that!
« Last Edit: February 06, 2019, 05:27:21 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Whyus

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #60 on: February 06, 2019, 06:02:18 AM »
It wasnt that Long of a post Acorn and it was a pleasure to read (especially the part about your H needing to hear that you forgive him).
Your Hs Transformation about how he sees his F is massive, huge. It says alot about how far he has come and Shows that he was in a similar Position maybe. That he too was a Jerk but didnt mean to be one and couldnt see it himself. Maybe he sees that now ?
He seems to be cooking just nicely.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Thunder

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #61 on: February 06, 2019, 06:03:20 AM »
It's not too long, Acorn.  Good stuff in there.  :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Yellowroseoftexas

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #62 on: February 06, 2019, 06:26:12 AM »
Wish we had a 'like' button like Facebook.  Acorn you got this girl!
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #63 on: February 06, 2019, 01:12:28 PM »
Thank you for the update, Acorn. It wasn't long and it was full of interesting info.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Evermore

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #64 on: February 06, 2019, 06:07:42 PM »
A bit of background to the post above as a reminder to myself how crushed, powerless and hopeless I felt at the beginning of my LBS journey.  I get you, newbies.

——————

I don’t know how I managed to stay alive in the early days of H’s MLC.  I was incredibly fragile in the many months immediately following BD.  I felt shredded.  I was finding a little bit of equilibrium at one year mark and then I found out about his A.  Back to square one.  I put one foot ahead of the other for quite some time after that only because of my kids. 

At last came a time I wanted to be done with that zombie state and regain my strength.  Where does one go when faced with serious issues in life?  Google. 

In my search for an inspiration that could kick start my strength recovery programme, I came across ‘13 things mentally strong people don’t do’ list by Amy Morin.  I bought the book as well.  It’s what our grandmothers have always told us and they are all common sense.

Thanks Acorn for sharing your story (including how far you've come) and for the link to the '13 things'.

I used to think I was strong mentally pre-BD. Now I see that a) I wasn't as strong as I thought I was and b) this thing that has happened has stripped me of a lot of the strength I did have.

This list is a great place to start in healing myself, thank you again.

Attaching to follow your story.
M: 48
H: 51
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #65 on: February 08, 2019, 05:20:48 AM »
I will acknowledge all your comments later but I just wanted to share...

It is my birthday today and H is scheduled back home any moment from a short trip.  He moved the earth to come home earlier than planned to be with me.

I just received a congratulatory text from him and he signed off with ‘Love from your husband’...  I’m crying like a baby because it is the first time in over 4 years that he dared to write the 4 letter word and ‘husband’.  He did say ‘I love you’ after the monumental R talk but seeing it written is quite something else.  Just wanted to share and I will be back with more about our healing R.

« Last Edit: February 08, 2019, 05:23:49 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #66 on: February 08, 2019, 05:22:42 AM »
Acorn,

Happy, happy birthday!



I just received a congratulatory text from him and he signed off with ‘Love from your husband’...  I’m crying like a baby because it is the first time in over 4 years that he dared to write the 4 letter word and ‘husband’.  He did say ‘I love you’ after the monumental R talk but seeing it in written is quite something else.  Just wanted to share and I will be back with more about our healing R.



That is beautiful to read!

M 57
H 57
S 26
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #67 on: February 08, 2019, 05:30:34 AM »
Happy Birthday Acorn!

What a great gift.  You deserve all he has to give and more.  It’s amazing how the small things that didn’t mean that much pre BD are such huge things now.  Have a really great day!
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #68 on: February 08, 2019, 05:34:17 AM »
Happy Birthday Acorn, May your day be filled with joy and light and life!
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #69 on: February 08, 2019, 05:54:42 AM »
Just to give some context to what I shared about H’s written words.

During the monumental R talk and many little convos we have had since then, H expressed several times how he sincerely wants to tell nothing but the truth.  He was deeply ashamed of having told so many falsehoods...

He has been taking great care not to exaggerate, or even assume.  This is H, pre-MLC, the person who valued integrity and being a follower of Christ.  That person is back. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #70 on: February 08, 2019, 06:00:52 AM »
Happy Birthday Acorn

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #71 on: February 08, 2019, 06:59:03 AM »
Happy birthday with many blessings and much love!!!!
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Online Yo

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #72 on: February 08, 2019, 08:13:43 AM »
Feliz cumpleaños Acorn!
Yo ☺

Offline Thunder

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #73 on: February 08, 2019, 08:45:37 AM »
Happy Birthday, Sweet stuff!   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online Treasur

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #74 on: February 08, 2019, 08:48:49 AM »
Dearest Acorn
Happy birthday indeed.
And how lovely that your h is once again wanting to be your h and acting like it. I suspect that feels like the best birthday gift in the world.  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Stand Tall

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #75 on: February 08, 2019, 08:52:53 AM »
Oh my goodness,

  Happy Birthday Acorn. Your story is like reading a beautiful love story that is heading for a perfect ending. God bless you and your H, may you have many blessing in your future together.

  No better gift then a gift from the heart.

-Stand
When the power of love overcomes the love of power there will be peace.

Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the Rain

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #76 on: February 08, 2019, 10:18:57 AM »
....and he signed off with ‘Love from your husband’... 

Love everything about this. Happy Birthday to a beautiful soul. I am beyond happy that things are going so well for you both. 
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #77 on: February 08, 2019, 11:41:48 AM »
Happy birthday, Acorn.  :) Hope you had a great day.

Wonderful that husband is moving heaven and earth to be home earlier than planned.

"Love from your husband. Wow. That is a big, great one.  :)

Hugs and love.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #78 on: February 08, 2019, 12:22:41 PM »
Happy birthday Acorn!! Wow, what a lovely gift from your H, you deserve it!  :)
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Offline Believer

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #79 on: February 08, 2019, 02:10:42 PM »
Happy Birthday Acorn ! What lovely words from H.


Offline Evermore

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #80 on: February 08, 2019, 03:17:55 PM »
This is a lovely post to wake up to read (Sat morning here). Happy birthday Acorn!
M: 48
H: 51
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #81 on: February 09, 2019, 03:59:23 AM »
Going back a few pages in my thread: Whyus, Thunder, Yellowrose, Anjae and Evermore, I’m glad my epic wasn’t too long for you.  Phew...

Whyus said:
Quote
Your Hs Transformation about how he sees his F is massive, huge. It says alot about how far he has come and Shows that he was in a similar Position maybe. That he too was a Jerk but didnt mean to be one and couldnt see it himself. Maybe he sees that now ?

This gave me food for thought as one of the main means of seeing what was going on in H’s mind was through his many projections.  Hummm....  Thanks for that, Whyus.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #82 on: February 09, 2019, 04:10:44 AM »
Dear Mitzpah, Roo, UM,. Helping, xyzcf, Yo, Thunder, Treasur, Stand, KIT, Anjae, One day, Believer and Evermore,

Thank you so much for your congrats and good wishes.  What can I say?  You are a very special group of people...

——————

My heart overfloweth. 

H presented me with a bouquet of deep red roses. He has always known the significance of this particular shade.  It speaks of our deep love, bond and commitment.  I carried them in my wedding bouquet.  H used to present them to me on my birthday and wedding anniversary every year.  Until BD... 

He sheepish presented the bouquet of roses with ‘It’s been forever since I gave you these roses...’  It was all I could do to hold back the tears and say, ‘Thank you.  That was very thoughtful of you.  It means a lot to me.’  And then he pulled out a bottle of top brand pink champagne.  My favourite also. 

Could I have imagined this would be possible even a year ago?  An emphatic NO.  Nevertheless, it is here.  I’m truly thankful. 

Who better than you lovely people to share my story about this seemingly ordinary gift from a husband! You are the people who get it.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Believer

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #83 on: February 09, 2019, 05:03:40 AM »
Acorn,

That sounds like such a wonderful moment and such meaningful gifts. So glad your H did that for you, he’s moving in the right direction with courage.

Believer


Offline xyzcf

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #84 on: February 09, 2019, 06:59:43 AM »
Dear Acorn and Acorn's husband,

I am saying a prayer of gratitude this morning for you and your family. A marriage saved, Acorn, you allowed yourself to be open to the possibility of forgiveness and willingness to receive him back into your life...like the prodigal son..this strikes me so deeply and I have always said...I don't care about the "stats"..if one marriage survives this , then that is worth it to me.

God bless you both.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #85 on: February 09, 2019, 07:22:21 AM »
You are such an inspiration and deserve all the happiness you are finding now.

Online Music45

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #86 on: February 09, 2019, 08:55:30 AM »
So so lovely to read this.
Happy Birthday Acorn!
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #87 on: February 09, 2019, 04:17:30 PM »
Another wonderful update, Acorn. Thank you.

Your husband has done so much progress. It is amazing how he is so changed and so different from his MLC version.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Milly

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #88 on: February 09, 2019, 05:00:25 PM »
Acorn, first, a belated Happy Birthday to you! Secondly, it sounds like you had one of the best birthdays in your life. Red roses, how beautiful and how meaningful. I know men worry about what to buy their woman for their birthdays. I always say (to my S14 nowadays) get her a beautiful bunch of flowers, and if you can afford it, a bottle of champagne. You got them both. It's a pink dream come true. I'm so so so so happy for you. Your story helps so many of us. Your H is doing everything he can.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #89 on: February 10, 2019, 05:14:49 AM »
Happy birthday weekend Acorn!

As LBS we often ‘get through’ birthdays and anniversary’s by thinking ahead and back - ‘not as bad as last year, maybe next year will be better’ type of thought process. I am sure this year you are living in the moment!

Roses, pink champagne and a ‘Love from your husband’ text. Possibly more than you would dare to have wished for even a few months ago.

Keep sharing!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #90 on: February 10, 2019, 07:40:31 PM »
Happy belated birthday Acorn!  And what a lovely day it was! 
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #91 on: February 11, 2019, 08:49:12 AM »
Dear Believer, xyzcf, Goner, Music, Anjae, Milly, Rose and FW, thank you so much for rejoicing with me.
Your comments help me keep posting, though I do often hesitate to do so...

———————

I accepted a gift from H yesterday with gratitude and joy.  He tried to push this particular gift on me several times during our tentative reconnecting stage.  I politely demurred and did not bite the bait of guilt offering.  I accepted it yesterday because I could see gifting was not about him, it was about me.  He’s been expressing sincerely for some time how much I would enjoy using it and how it was going to make my life easier.  If I sensed a whiff of ‘guilt offering’, I would have refused.  It would be tainted.  That’s just me.

He went to the store and found out everything about the gift, chose the right assistant to help me in case I wanted to drop by and try it out, and even instructed the assistant the most effective way to teach me (he knows me too well.  I’m a technology dumbo.) about the product. 

Just to illustrate the difference in H’s attitude toward me while he was in the thick fog of MLC and right now:

I was just a ‘thing’ to him for a long time.  A chair maybe, or even a mote.  There was nothing I could do change his perception of me, or, rather, no perception of me.  The best thing was to leave him to his blindness and go do my own thing.  Who wants to be a tiny speck of mote to his/her spouse?  Not me, not you.  That has all changed now.  I and my welfare seem to have become his priority in every way.  He is acutely aware of my presence in his life and he simply cannot do enough for me.  I’m at the forefront of his thoughts. 

————————

He was missing in action on Saturday and I was triggered.  See, he used to lie (work, exercise, blah, blah) and go meet OW on weekends.  I hadn’t been triggered like this for a while but, for some unknown reason, it happened last Saturday when he was out for a couple of hours.  I guess it didn’t help that he didn’t tell me where he was going. 

It turns out that he was looking into that said gift in secret to surprise me...

There you go.  The same disappearing act but for a different person and different purpose.   

In the thick fog:  to see OW and all about him
Now: for me and all about me. 

————————
Something I need to share.  I usually hesitate before I click ‘post’.  My story seems to be too sunny to share on HS...  I’m thinking the same reason might play a role in other people stop posting when they are well into reconnecting?  Just a thought
« Last Edit: February 11, 2019, 08:59:28 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #92 on: February 11, 2019, 09:18:23 AM »
Being triggered by his disappearing act is completely understandable. I would have felt the same way.

Please don't hesitate to post. I know I appreciate all the sunshine I can get!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #93 on: February 11, 2019, 09:24:15 AM »
Acorn

Yes it may well be the reason people stop posting but the weight of appreciation is heavy from us reading along so please don’t stop. It helps so much don’t ever think otherwise.

I guess if someone reconnects with their MLCer and they move back home then the LBS will have a new routine and their posts could fall away. You are keeping up doing as you were which probably helps you too.

I had a question about rings, did your H wear his/take his off/put it on again? My H left his here when he moved out.

Keep posting! We need you!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #94 on: February 11, 2019, 09:27:56 AM »
I have heard some stop posting because they just want to put that phase of their life behind them and coming here will just remind them.

Of course there also could be some who are jealous of your thread but I think they probably just read silently and stew in their own juices, and save all their energy for the threads where people bash their spouses.

My H is not as far along as yours but I was reading the RCR article on touch and goes vs. reconnection the other day and he definitely checks all the boxes for the latter and the touch and go and anchor checking behavior is over. However, I choose not to post that much about it because he still runs back into the tunnel and gets angry sometimes or simply goes quiet and distant for a while. There's still a long way to go. It makes me feel like people are giving me the evil eye when I post something good and then he blows up two hours later That's just my reason for not posting. He happens to be in a foul mood at the moment so I am not so worried about mentioning it now.  ;D But in the last week he has been reconnecting with our favorite TV programs and even his FB account, so that's progress. Last month he reconnected with the house (the remodel we did helped a lot with that)  But I do appreciate your posts, especially the recent one where you said a year ago you wouldn't have expected your H to be where he is today.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2019, 09:33:29 AM by GonerinGhana »

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #95 on: February 11, 2019, 09:52:16 AM »
Thanks, PJ. :)

Rose, we never exchanged rings in the first place.  Neither of us could wear rings because of our professions.  We decided to wear rings on our hearts...

Goner, I’m glad to read that there has been some progress and you are reconnecting!   I would love to read your story and rejoice with you.  If there are people not being able break out in smile for another person’s good progress in their relationship, they seriously need to look within... Never mind about them, Goner.  I would like to believe that the majority of people on HS are kind souls who wish others well.   I simply cannot imagine people getting smug satisfaction when reading about other’s setbacks.  That is no better than the attitude of OW toward LBS!   

My hesitation comes from the fact that my story these days is very different from the majority on HS.  I feel embarrassed at my own good ‘fortune’.  However, I keep posting because it is a record of my journey and it is good to add my story to the archives. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Thunder

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #96 on: February 11, 2019, 10:05:46 AM »
Acorn, my goodness why would anyone feel nothing but happiness for your reconciliation?
It is proof it can and does happen.  It gives most people hope.

If it doesn't oh well that is their problem...not ours.
I read all your posts and they are very encouraging and informative.   :)

Hugs!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #97 on: February 11, 2019, 10:45:36 AM »
Your posts bring a great deal of hope to people. I smile each time I read them.

I think that people stop posting when they are reconnecting because they either stopped posting before the reconnection occurred or they do not need to come here anymore.

The few that continue to post are very very welcomed and appreciated.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #98 on: February 11, 2019, 10:52:29 AM »

 My story seems to be too sunny to share on HS...  I’m thinking the same reason might play a role in other people stop posting when they are well into reconnecting?  Just a thought

I must respectfully disagree Acorn.  Your story isn't sunny, YOU are. I am happy as are many others that you continue to share. But your story has as many dark parts to it as many others, certainly in the beginning. You just choose to focus on your own mirror work and the positives. And that my friend is amazing.  I love reading your posts, whether it is on your thread, mine or anywhere else you post. Always so thoughtful and specific. You have a way of making people think and offering different perspectives without ever appearing condescending or rude.

Now how's that for sunshine? ;)
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Thunder

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #99 on: February 11, 2019, 12:48:23 PM »
((Applause))) Kit!!!

 ;D ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #100 on: February 11, 2019, 01:55:59 PM »
Shoot, it looks like I hijacked my own thread by mentioning ‘story seems too sunny’ etc.  ;D

Anyhow, back to the update and I repeat here.

Quote
. I was just a ‘thing’ to him for a long time.  A chair maybe, or even a mote. 
<snip>
That has all changed now.  I and my welfare seem to have become his priority in every way.  He is acutely aware of my presence in his life and he simply cannot do enough for me.  I’m at the forefront of his thoughts. 

————————

He was missing in action on Saturday and I was triggered.  See, he used to lie (work, exercise, blah, blah) and go meet OW on weekends. 
<snip>
It turns out that he was looking into that said gift in secret to surprise me...

There you go.  The same disappearing act but for a different person and different purpose.   

In the thick fog:  to see OW and all about him
Now: for me and all about me.

I’m wondering if H has read HB’s article regarding the end of MLC journey and how MLCer treats LBS, because he is following her exact descriptions.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline dogwalker

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #101 on: February 11, 2019, 02:13:33 PM »
Hi Accorn
Please continue to post. I have ever posted
On your thread but I follow along and
Learn a lot from you.
With regard to HB article. Could you put
A link to it please as I don’t think I’ve read
It

Take care DW

Offline Milly

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #102 on: February 11, 2019, 02:58:40 PM »
Oh, Acorn, we are all dying for reconciliation info!!! Please keep posting! We looooove it so much!! We envision ourselves in you. Just like in a movie, you are the heroine, and while we read your posts, we are you. While we read your posts, we are reconciling with our own Hs. For some of us, that might be all we'll ever get. Please don't feel bad about that!

Goner, please post all your bits. I personally would prefer to hear about the bad stuff intermingled with the positive steps. When the LBS just gives the good stuff, it makes my own situation look so much worse.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #103 on: February 11, 2019, 03:08:46 PM »
Acorn, I'm with the others.. Please don't stop posting and don't feel embarrassed. It's great for the rest of us to see that some stories actually can have a happy ending.. This would be a depressing place if there was no "sunny stories" to read! If someone doesn't like it, they don't have to read it.  ;)
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #104 on: February 11, 2019, 03:25:43 PM »
Acorn, I hope you keep hitting post. Your story is less dark than many, but it is very important to have all types of stories. Yes, it may be others reconnecting think their stories are too rosy/sunny/light in comparison and don't post. If that is the case, it is a pity.

It is understandable you were triggered by your husband's disappearence.

Amazing how MLCers not only change back to who they were, but become a better version of who they were. Very interesting that your husband swift from "me, me, me, I am all that matters", to see you, be there for you and care for you and your wellbeing.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online megogirl

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #105 on: February 11, 2019, 04:02:43 PM »
Ditto what the others have said!

Acorn, your posts only ENCOURAGE us to stay the course and to continue our Stand.  Of course we all envy you, but it's "envy" in a good/positive way.  Like -- I want what she has, and I'm gonna GET it.

So please - post away!

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #106 on: February 11, 2019, 04:28:42 PM »
I also encourage you to absolutely keep sharing and posting as you continue to connect with your husband . Can there really ever be "too much good stuff?". It is essential that we read the good, the bad and the ugly , if we really want to honestly share our experiences. It certainly cannot be all gloom and doom ...nor is it all pixie unicorns and rainbows , it should be a mixture of both as it is a very difficult thing to recover from ( in my experience). Others are far more able to access compassion and acceptance and maybe have a secure attachment style, ability to self soothe and are far less reactive. Different emotional make-ups , history and personalities....so, of course everyone will have a unique story to tell. Keep telling yours !!
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #107 on: February 11, 2019, 04:53:10 PM »
With regard to HB article. Could you put
A link to it please as I don’t think I’ve read
It

I’ve been trying to locate one of the numerous articles by HB regarding how the husband that emerges from MLC journey treats his wife.  Alas, I can’t find it!  The gist of it is the healed MLCer treating his wife with the utmost care - she is his priority.  Or, some expression similar to that.

The article will turn up when I’m not looking for it. When I eventually find it, I promise to post it on my thread.   

Hey Goner, do you know which article I’m referring to?  Do you by any chance have it handy to share with us?

In the mean time, here are some links that pertain to the settling down stages after they emerge from the tunnel.  My H fits the descriptions contained in the articles very well.  It’s uncanny...

https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-first-healing-stage-the-settling-down-process/

https://thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-second-healing-stage-final-inner-healing/
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #108 on: February 11, 2019, 04:59:37 PM »
Thank you, dear people, for all your comments.  I’d never thought my little afterthought would generate so many comments!  Of course I will try to keep posting, though I’m bound to feel a little uncomfortable each time I post because my story seems to be more positive than that of others...

As many of you might know, my H is a live-in.  That means we didn’t have to deal with drastic physical changes with him moving out of home and then moving in again.  That spared me from having to readjust to drastically altered living arrangements.  Much less upheaval.  I think that might be one of the reasons that I’m able to share my story with you. 
« Last Edit: February 11, 2019, 05:00:47 PM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #109 on: February 11, 2019, 05:55:55 PM »
Acorn, your posts only ENCOURAGE us to stay the course and to continue our Stand.  Of course we all envy you, but it's "envy" in a good/positive way.  Like -- I want what she has, and I'm gonna GET it.

Mego, don’t let my story lead you down the garden path..   I would hate to contribute to you having expectations...
It is good to have hope but I don’t think our determination to reconcile really has anything to do with the outcome, though I like your gutsy attitude. 
In my thinking, the only useful and practical determination we should have is regarding ourselves - to learn more about ourselves, grow emotionally and spiritually, and become better human beings.
 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #110 on: February 11, 2019, 06:18:03 PM »
Don't remember that HB article. Took a look at her sitemap, but don't find anything who may have to do with it. Maybe the name is not obvious. RCR has https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_coming-and-going_being-number-one.html - Being Number One, but it also isn't exactly about how the MLCers treats the spouse after MLC.

There is also an article about the last stages of MLC, rebirth and reintegration: https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_rebirth-and-reintegration.html


My cousin who had MLC was a live-in wallower. Never went anywhere, never had OW. If his wife was here telling their story it all would seem easy and rosy, and yet it was not so easy. Mostly because of his depression. Of course it was all easy compared with what many of us deal with.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #111 on: February 11, 2019, 09:14:37 PM »
Acorn-I don't know what article you are talking about but the other day I came across this page from her and it actually contains some expanded info on the final stages that you won't find elsewhere:
https://heartsblessing.org/index.php?topic=6.0

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #112 on: February 11, 2019, 09:17:15 PM »
Ditto what the others have said!

Acorn, your posts only ENCOURAGE us to stay the course and to continue our Stand.  Of course we all envy you, but it's "envy" in a good/positive way.  Like -- I want what she has, and I'm gonna GET it.


That's how a lot of OWs think. ::)

If you want your H back for himself, then that is the right attitude. If you want him back just so you can be like other people, frankly, if he does come out of the tunnel, he deserves better than that.

Online Treasur

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #113 on: February 11, 2019, 11:26:34 PM »
I would humbly agree with others that sharing your story is valuable as part of the wider picture. You often put 'health warnings' that this is only your experience of your h and your situation and your perspective. And it took years to get to where you are right now. As I recall, you were not around to post about the worst of it when it was far from a sunny story?

People will take what they want from all of the different posts, sometimes wisely and sometimes less so. I think quite a few people who start to reconnect or who put the MLC times behind them in different ways feel reluctant to post in the face of the pain and shock of newbies as we all remember that feeling. But there are things to share that you have learned which might help others and that seems to me to be the heart of why we are all here.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #114 on: February 13, 2019, 03:48:47 PM »
Late to the party but wanted to thank you for your continued sharing Acorn.  We all may not be on the same path as you, but we have all learned very valuable lessons from your journey.  You should never feel bad about sharing the good.  It gives us all some rays of hope that there is a chance our spouses will find their way out. 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #115 on: February 14, 2019, 04:21:30 AM »
Feb 14.  A day of memories for people who celebrate this day. 
Commercials feature infatuated couples.  Alas, how shallow and fleeing is their perception of love... 

LOVE:

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud.
It does not dishonour others
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.

Many points in the above is a checklist for my self love, for that is the way I learn what it is to love another as myself.  Am I patient and kind to myself?  Am I honouring myself?  Do I protect myself? Etc., etc., etc.....

I hope you are all administering some serious love to yourself today and everyday!

(((((((HUGS)))))))




« Last Edit: February 14, 2019, 04:24:24 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #116 on: February 14, 2019, 05:25:15 AM »
1 Corinthians 13. Was one of the readings at my wedding. I think of it often. Early after BD I remember thinking of it in agony and how wronged I was by my H. How he failed me in doing what loved “required.” Now I’ve turned it back on myself. Since I am the only one I control. And somehow the beauty re-emerged. Thanks for the reminder Acorn. Happy Valentines Day.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Nas

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #117 on: February 14, 2019, 05:29:29 AM »
This was a beautiful framed painting that hung over our bed for almost our entire relationship.  Clearly, my H never actually read it.  :(
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #118 on: February 14, 2019, 05:38:29 AM »
KIT and Nas, that biblical definition of love can be understood only by emotionally mature people.  Alas, MLCers’ emotional age is around the time they discover puppy love.  Infatuation. 

Hugs to you both.

——————

An update.

Peace rules in our family. 

I can almost hear a collective sigh from each member.  It is the intuitive knowing of ‘the worst is over and we are in recovery’.  My kids look, talk and behave in such a way that speaks of an immense relief, a firm sense of belonging, and their confidence that love is now a two-way street with H. 

I have come to another level of peace.  I had thought I was serene enough before our serious reconneting started just over a year ago.  My serenity was in everyday living.  Now I feel peace at a higher level.  It’s difficult to explain but the word that describes it best is ‘settled within’.  There are no question marks remaining in me.  Total acceptance of the way things are.  Our R could stall at this stage of reconciliation and rebuilding.  I’m not afraid of that.  My elevated sense of peace comes from completely surrendering the outcome to God.  It is all good in my soul. 

I feel the same kind of peace in H.  We had a beautiful sermon last Sunday and he is still talking about it, sometimes with tears in his eyes.  It was about trusting and loving God completely and giving our worldly burdens to Him, and in turn, God gives peace to us.  He knew that in theory all his life but now he feels it at the core of his heart. 

About the order of reconnecting.  People say the most important person in MLCer’s life is the last one he reconnects with.  I would have thought God would the last one as He was the centre of H’s life, pre-MLC.  However, it was God with whom H reconnected first.  His renewed faith fired up his desire to do God’s will. Everything else flowed on from that.  He did the ‘right’ things by me and kids, motivated by his dutiful obedience to God.  In hindsight, I see that H determinedly kept at those ‘right’ things until his actions became more than mere ‘actions’ - they became the expression of love in his heart. 

I write all this down as they come to my mind.  These written reflections help me see the big picture in H’s recovery process.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Thunder

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #119 on: February 14, 2019, 05:39:38 AM »
Thank you, Acorn.

I will give myself some serious love today, as ordered.

Happy Valentine's Day to you!   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #120 on: February 14, 2019, 06:08:27 AM »
Ironically, That was our Epistle Reading 2 weeks ago... This Sunday it is  1 Cor 15 which is MUCH more depressing... But I still managed to work it into my Sermon...
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #121 on: February 14, 2019, 07:11:45 AM »
I moved Goner’s comment to this thread from Mort’s so that I don’t hijack her thread.

Quote
I won't say he has been perfect, but my H has made a very concerted effort most of the way through his MLC to do acts of service. In some ways even more than before BD. So it really means very little to me and almost seems like a way to be able to assuage his guilt and to have something he can hold out and say he is doing to avoid having to acknowledge what he has done. Like he has to do all the shopping now and then he can say he brought me everything I asked for, instead of me doing it myself.  I would rather hear some appreciation, admission of guilt, apologies. It would mean more to me than the actions because as far as I am concerned the actions are just part of day-to-day living. And yes quality time is a HUGE issue for me.

You are more fortunate than other LBSs in that he kept up with acts of service throughout MLC.  Not many experience this.  I did not.  He was completely ‘gone’. 

I understand you would like to hear the words.  It may come.  What matters now is that he shows in his actions.  That makes your life easier and it also means it is very important for him that you are well looked after.  I think you can’t say that for many MLCers.  If you have the attitude of ‘that’s not enough for me’, it’s you that suffer and you would be living in a perpetual state of unfulfilled expectations of your H -  always one dollar short.  You could change your mindset to ‘he has been good to me even though he has been in MLC.’ 

I’m being blunt here at the risk of sounding patronizing.  I don’t mean it that way at all.  Just a view from my cheap seat, a ‘glass half full’ seat. 

A little survey here:

Hands up those that want actions rather than lots of words of regrets, guilt, remorse. 
« Last Edit: February 14, 2019, 07:38:22 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Thunder

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #122 on: February 14, 2019, 07:22:05 AM »
Hand up here!

Even though it's nice to hear words, the actions are much more important to me.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #123 on: February 14, 2019, 07:31:58 AM »
I’ve heard all the “right” words. They meant nothing other than an immature person’s act of contrition and/or declaration of love to the person they wronged. Yep, definitely actions are more important in my world.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #124 on: February 14, 2019, 07:34:27 AM »
Thinking about this -

I guess I'd prefer actions that show she is working on her self.... Doing stuff for me is not really relevant because she rarely ever did in the first place.... But there also needs to be a dialog about what is going on, even if it is not an abject apology/acknowledgement of what happened....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #125 on: February 14, 2019, 07:45:33 AM »
UM, you bring up an important aspect of reconnecting in general.  Dialogue.  It’s sharing of thoughts, not just weather talk.  I would say meaningful conversations have been/ are important part in rebuilding our R.  I regard sharing of what’s going on deep within him is a remarkable ‘action’.  Action is seen in sitting down with me in the kitchen and devoting time to converse and not hide in his study. 
« Last Edit: February 14, 2019, 07:58:26 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #126 on: February 14, 2019, 07:50:39 AM »
In my perfect reconnecting world I would love a mixture of both.....In reality I will take actions over words any day.  My H has always been a man of many words.  He has always been affectionate and has said all the right things. He talked a lot as an MLC clinger but actions have not matched up at all.
I’m looking for actions before I will believe any of his words now. 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #127 on: February 14, 2019, 08:28:51 AM »
I get what you are saying Acorn, but I guess the reason I focus so much on words is because due to the particular nature of his MLC actions, there are things I would like him to do that I know he CANNOT do at this point and so I have to learn to accept that, just as you have accepted that your H's LL does not match what you prefer. Some of these things WERE part of his LL pre-BD and so this is a bitter pill I have to swallow.

Words, on the other hand, are something that should be easy, but clearly for him, they are not, so to me that is something that I value. Moreover, while there are certain actions he promised me in words from him own initiative some years ago that he would never do, he has now done them and cannot undo them (or at least not without other negative consequences), so at least an acknowledgement and apology in words would allow me to forgive him and put it in the past.

In the past nearly 3 years, he has apologized to me twice, for anything. He doesn't even apologize for some minor little thing, like forgetting to buy spinach, as a normal person would. There simply is something in his brain blocking that sort of thing at the moment.

That said, he's been a clam lately. It's as if the cat got his tongue. Before he would react to me, or lash out unprovoked. Sometimes it feels like I am dealing with someone who is deaf and dumb. But perhaps this is a precursor to him eventually talking.

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #128 on: February 14, 2019, 09:02:03 AM »
Some words have significant legal meaning to LBS.  A man’s word was binding in the olden days and some still hold onto that honorable attitude.  If you are in a situation where words are binding and will impact your future security, yes, you NEED those words.  I’m not dismissing ALL the words.

When we talk about words vs action here, we mean relational matters and they are not necessary for our survival. 


I get what you are saying Acorn, but I guess the reason I focus so much on words is because due to the particular nature of his MLC actions, there are things I would like him to do that I know he CANNOT do at this point and so I have to learn to accept that, just as you have accepted that your H's LL does not match what you prefer. Some of these things WERE part of his LL pre-BD and so this is a bitter pill I have to swallow.

I know the feeling.  It was difficult for me to accept that his remorse, apology and restitution were happening in the form of act of service becasue my foremost LL is words.  However, given time, the bitterness of the pill disappeared and it tasted like honey.  It’s all in the frame of your mind.  Once I let go of ‘I want, want, want, want it my way’ the taste profile changed.  I couldn’t change him, so it was logical that I changed my mindset.



In the past nearly 3 years, he has apologized to me twice, for anything. He doesn't even apologize for some minor little thing, like forgetting to buy spinach, as a normal person would. There simply is something in his brain blocking that sort of thing at the moment.

In my humble opinion and experience, it seems a non-apology person displays certain common accompanying traits, such as lack of confidence, thin skin, being afraid of judgement, pride, or all of the above.  My H displayed all of them. It was as if he was missing the outlayer of skin or the core that held him upright.  He was without a definable self.  Apology means having a real SELF that feels accountability.  He only started doing his apology actions once he had garnered enough SELF.

That said, he's been a clam lately. It's as if the cat got his tongue. Before he would react to me, or lash out unprovoked. Sometimes it feels like I am dealing with someone who is deaf and dumb. But perhaps this is a precursor to him eventually talking.

I saw this with my H, too.  Very often.  Like a turtle that needs to hide in his shell now and then to recover his emotional equilibrium or whatever.  I see the development of ability to self control (respond, not react) is a marker of positive movement, whether it be MLCer or LBS.

I really appreciate you sharing your honest thoughts, Goner.  I have always valued your insight and sharp analysis. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #129 on: February 14, 2019, 09:04:02 AM »
Acorn I'm late to the latest discussion.  But you better not stop posting, lol. Please keep spreading the sunshine.
Kit said it right. YOU are the sunshine.
I will take actions over words anyday. Now if I get the words and her actions back then up??? That's a bonus. 

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #130 on: February 14, 2019, 09:28:18 AM »
Just a very quick observation and comment before I shovel myself out of here . More and more , I see a difference with the MLC men that leave ... and the ones that have never left . My husband left. He never would have been able to "silently" get back into this house. Ever. No "action" would have opened the door and allowed him to slink back in without explanation, stating his intention and plenty of "words". Had he never left ? I can see how actions and less words might "slide" from on phase of crazy to the next. But with those of us that had men that abandoned ...we had abrupt "endings" and "beginings".  No words?  No entry back into this home or marriage. Many of the posts I read have had stay at home MLC maen. I think there is a huge difference . Got to run... just threw in my 2 cents .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #131 on: February 14, 2019, 11:44:07 AM »
Barbie, you have provided a perspective of LBS with MLCer who left and then returned in a short period of time.

I can definitely see the differences between a live-in and a leaver in regards to different weighting for words and actions.  I suspect LL of each person, personality and backgrounds of LBS and MLCer and their respective circumstances, etc. may play a role as well.

Just an observation: you often read ‘empty words’, ‘empty gestures’, ‘empty promises’, but hardly ever ‘empty actions’.  Actions prove words, gestures and promises. 

« Last Edit: February 14, 2019, 01:03:30 PM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Anjae

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #132 on: February 15, 2019, 01:28:41 PM »
It could be Barbie. But did RCR husband explain himself? I truly don't recall if he did, or didn't. I am confused. Your husband left because you made him to. Why does he need to explain why he left since it was you who made him left? He never wanted to leave. You know why he left, because you made him left. What else is there to explain/know about his leaving?

He is not like MLCers who left because they wanted to and spend years on end way, usually living with OW/OM.

Actions prove something. Be it good or bad. Many of the MLCer's actions are bad. At least while they are deep in the fog.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online barbiedoll

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #133 on: February 15, 2019, 05:41:10 PM »
Anjae

Quote
Your husband left because you made him to.

You cannot "kick anyone out that does not want to go'....He is 240 lbs , a big guy , I could never have "made " him physically leave. He could have said "NO, I am not going anywhere !". The truth is, he left at high speed in under 15 minutes.

Quote
Why does he need to explain why he left since it was you who made him left? He never wanted to leave. You know why he left, because you made him left. What else is there to explain/know about his
.

I hope you are kidding me ... ? Why does he need to explain where he was for 3 1/2 months?  For 4 months he threatened to leave . Said he would be looking for an apartment as "soon as he had time". He told the counsellor repeatedly that he had "no intention of working on the marriage or staying in this marriage". He wanted to "learn to live alone" ( sure !) . He grabbed my 4 year old granddaughter off her feet , he pinned me up against a post on the deck and he was aggressive towards my youngest and middle daughter . He thought he could stay out all night and arrogantly lie .WHY was he thrown out ? This is absolute 100% emotional and mental abuse. Period. I would say he had a firetrucking pile of explaining to do .

It was not until we were in therapy that he repeatedly said he "never really wanted to leave".  That he did not know what to do ...and when Barbiedoll told me to "get out" , that must have been the "right " thing to do . ( huh?)

Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #134 on: February 16, 2019, 04:13:07 AM »
True.  You can’t make the co-owner of the house leave, legally speaking.  Morally speaking, yes. 

I told my H he was free to leave and that I wasn’t his prison guard.  I even told him where the suitcases were.  He CHOSE to stay.  I told him the same thing again many months later, he didn’t say a word and stayed.  I had no legal right, nor the physical strength to shove him out the door.

I get it, Barbie.  LBS can show MLCer the door but you can’t make him leave.  Leaving is voluntary.  (If physical abuse was involved, that takes a different course.)  If you told him to leave, he merely took it as the best excuse (‘Barbie kicked me out’) in the world to abandon his family.  One can not make another adult do something, unless he is threatened with harm.

Quote
It was not until we were in therapy that he repeatedly said he "never really wanted to leave".  That he did not know what to do ...and when Barbiedoll told me to "get out" , that must have been the "right " thing to do . ( huh?)

Gaslighting at its finest.  The ‘right’ thing to do?  He granted himself a sainthood as well.  There aren’t too many things I hate but gaslighting is definitely one of them.  It is abominble.   
« Last Edit: February 16, 2019, 04:25:20 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Milly

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #135 on: February 16, 2019, 04:28:36 AM »
Acorn, perfectly put about Barbie's H - wants a sainthood, too.

Barbie, you did right, and he did owe you an explanation. His reason does make sense though. When they are in crisis they listen to the one in authority at the time.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #136 on: February 16, 2019, 05:50:18 AM »
Helping, Barbie, Anjae and Milly, thank you for reading and commenting.

It is good to share what’s happening in our practical day to day life, but also threads can be a place of sharing what we each have learned.  Hence the following.

Atomic BD was around this time of the year.  I don’t remember the exact date but it was at my birthday celebration with the kids some time in February.   It’s time for reflection.

I look back and marvel at the fact that I am actually alive.  Not only alive but living well and loving life. 

I was a train wreck at BD and for a long time after it, but peace gradually made its way into my heart.   Peace came with its many friends - contentment, thankfulness for the many blessings, space in my heart for grace, self respect, and many more.

I did not seek peaceful state of mind.  It was unexpected gift from doing two things on my LBS to-do list. 

One of the things on that list was to ‘leave him alone’.  I had to fully digest the fact that I didn’t break him, so I couldn’t fix him.

Making this understanding part of my DNA helped me with detachment.  I confess it was difficult to do that because, well, ummm, I was an exemplary fixer...

The next on the list was to zip, except for announcing and enforcing boundaries, the weather and other light stuff.   If I couldn’t fix him, why waste my time talking sense into him, and debate and argue with him?   Besides, the man was obviously ‘insane’ according to what he said and did.  Not just to me, but with all significant people in his life.  Such a drastic transformation. From good to evil.  From rational to irrational.  From kind to mean.  (By the way, I think one of the true markers of MLCers is in the fact that their horrible transformation is not LBS specific but extends to many other, if not all, VIPs in their lives.)

How do you have rational conversations with the ‘insane’?  You don’t.

Zipping gave me the peace that formed an invisible protective layer around me.  I had to stop thinking of all the things I could say to my MLCer.  That means my mind was no longer heavily chained to all the grievances I had against him and compulsions to voice them.  When the long list of grievances entered my mind, I recited the Lord’s Prayer endlessly until my focus was onto something other than H.  Looking back, I did that without realizing I was giving my H and my situation to God. 

Leaving him alone and zipping are two sides of one coin.  They were essential steps to detachment for me.  I can testify that they gave me peace and its many good friends. 

I’m not saying it would work for you.  I’m sharing what worked for me. 

You all have a wonderful weekend! 
« Last Edit: February 16, 2019, 06:38:09 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

 

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