Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting. How??  (Read 2588 times)

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15435
  • Gender: Female
My Story Reconnecting Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #10 on: January 31, 2019, 01:19:12 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Acorn.

You are indeed an amazing listener.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Silver

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 1704
  • Gender: Male
Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #11 on: January 31, 2019, 11:43:27 PM »
You're a special case Acorn in many ways.
I'm with you
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2692
  • Gender: Male
Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #12 on: January 31, 2019, 11:50:49 PM »
Following along Acorn  8)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1974
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #13 on: February 01, 2019, 12:53:44 AM »
Joining, Acorn! How lovely that you had a trip where there are palm trees at this time of the year!

As someone else said, you are the best listener! Following along, wouldn't miss it!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline One day at a time

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 538
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #14 on: February 01, 2019, 04:00:51 AM »
Following too Acorn!! I learnt so much from you and your situation..  I think your H is trying to "finalize" who he is now by talking it out with you.. As others have said, you are such a great listener!
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Online Music45

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • Posts: 81
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #15 on: February 01, 2019, 04:25:51 AM »
Attaching Acorn  :)

My H too had some work madness going on before and around BD. He was very keen to be something he's not [we both work in a creative environment and H went all "suit" - not him or where his skillset really lies at all]. Fast forward to yesterday - his last day in that job, having seen the light that he ignored 3 years ago. From today, he's freelance and back to the creative stuff with some fantastic projects lined up - albeit for half the income.
No sign of any reconciliation round these parts but reading all these work/alpha male posts has made me wonder - he was very much not that sort of chap then became very much that sort of chap until he's back to not being that sort again.
Quite a few acts of service too [you watch now, I won't hear from him for days, lol. Good old MLC]

Good luck Acorn.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [both his but live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline AcornTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2408
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #16 on: February 01, 2019, 07:30:11 AM »
Welcome to my thread, PJ, UM, Rose, Roo, Barbie, Nas, KIT, Treasur, Helping, Anjae, Silve, Whyus, Milly, One Day and Music! 

I appreciate you recognizing that fact that I very much value active listening.  That’s one of the lessons I have learned through my LBS journey and I try to practice it with everyone in my life.  What is obvious to me is that people in general don’t want concrete help in solving their problems but they need someone to listen to them with 100% attention.  That IS the help they seek.  H is no exception.  He does not need my opinions, sermons about his stupid MLC choices, and my advices.  I’m not his counsellor, the preacher or the judge.  He would like a good listener and I can certainly do that.  I just need a zip in good working order and a pair of virtual hearing aids and I’m very pleased that he keeps talking to me!  I will continue to keep my non-judgemental ears open.  He does invite my thoughts and I don’t hesitate to share them, albeit keeping my verbal expressions short and sweet.

Treasur asked a couple questions:

Did you used to need your h to cater to your emotional needs before, Acorn? Or does this comfort with the more one-sided aspects with your h now come from still being a bit detached or from something else?

What I’m about to say is all in hindsight.

I expected H to love, trust, protect and support me.  I expected the same from myself toward H.  Are they emotional needs or reasonable expectations between husband and wife?  I think the latter.

Immediately following the atomic BD, all of the above vanished overnight.  Literally.  It was such a shock and I plunged into a very dark place and desperately wanted H to cater to my emotional needs.  I told H that my happiness depended on him.  Isn’t that a miserable and pathetic thing to say?  I have forgiven myself for having been so emotionally weak and desperately needy. 

As I recovered slowly, so did my sense of being a whole and complete person with, or without, H.  I didn’t need him to make me whole.  I was enough.  Yes, I wanted him as a life long companion because I loved him.

I would like H to cater to my emotional wants - to be loved deeply by him - when he is healed.

It was H that had always expected me to cater to his emotional needs. (This is in hindsight.) He knew that I didn’t need him to do that for me and he resented it.  In one of those rare clear moments, he blurted out in a sarcastic and resentful way, ‘YOU don’t need me’.  Implicit in the message is - I need your emotional catering but you don’t need mine, and I’m cross about it. 

Now he is getting to that stage where he is learning to support himself emotionally.   I think that is one of the most notable ‘improvements’ or ‘maturtaion’ brought about by MLC process. 

I fully understand that self focussed aspect of H’s talks is part of his journey of healing.  My being OK with this aspect is not because of detachment but of my understanding of where he is at.  I want him to be self focussed.  I want him to heal through focussing on his issues because I love him.  Self focus is the only way forward for H.  In other words, he needs to concentrate on his own healing.  LBS is told time and again to focus on ourselves to heal, learn more about ourselves and change for the better.  MLCers are the same.  If they don’t pay their full attention to their each and every step, they could easily stumble and fall.  Though I cannot do a thing about him standing still or walking forward (I can not control his journey), I would never want to be that stumbling block by asking him to take his focus away from himself by waving my arms and shouting, ‘hey, look at me.  How about ME?!!!’
« Last Edit: February 01, 2019, 07:54:52 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline KeepItTogether

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4255
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #17 on: February 01, 2019, 08:57:48 AM »

I would never want to be that stumbling block by asking him to take his focus away from himself by waving my arms and shouting, ‘hey, look at me.  How about ME?!!!’


Yep--right here! This is exactly the problem with so many of us. We want so desperately to just be "heard" by our MLCer. B/c in a sense that gives us validation. And of course it is so easy to be in victim mode. But the thing is, there is no need for validation if we are doing the right thing. We can be sad, yes. But the blame and the constant need for our MLCer to be the source of our happiness has to stop. And that is a massive struggle. I am so happy you articulate this so wonderfully.  It is a great comfort.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Anjae

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 15435
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #18 on: February 01, 2019, 11:09:39 AM »
I expected H to love, trust, protect and support me.  I expected the same from myself toward H.  Are they emotional needs or reasonable expectations between husband and wife?  I think the latter.

Those are reasonable expectations between husband and wife. What would a husband/wife be for?

As for listening. It may be most people just want to be heard. I am so-so with listening. Often, it tends to drain me. But I manage to do a good job with the wife of my cousin that had MLC. Also with my cousin and a few other people, including former and current MLCers.

However, as a general rule, people come ask for my opinion and what do I think of this or that or how this or that could be solved. So, with me, is more people looking for advice.

Listening to Mr J? Don't think so. He can hire professional help to listen to him.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline AcornTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2408
  • Gender: Female
Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #19 on: February 01, 2019, 11:35:04 AM »
Listening to Mr J? Don't think so. He can hire professional help to listen to him.

Anjae, you gave me an idea.  I should get a badge (‘Professional Listener’) and wear it when he starts talking and start charging him a fee.  That would come out of our bank account and then go right back in!   ;D
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk