Reconnecting. How??

[Anjae]

Anjae, you gave me an idea.  I should get a badge (‘Professional Listener’) and wear it when he starts talking and start charging him a fee.  That would come out of our bank account and then go right back in!   

Professional Listener! Loved it. Sounds like a great idea, Acorn! 

The thing with Mr J hiring professional help to listen to him is:

a) I want a husband/partner. Someone with whom to share normal life talks, not listen to the MLCer talking about his fog/things done in fog, etc.

b) After hearing real life MLCers and reading here for years what MLCers say, pretty much all MLCers say the same things when out of the fog. Therefore, with minor variotions, I already have heard what Mr J will have to say.

I may be open to read what he has to say.

[Acorn]

It does not matter to me if H were to repeat everything other MLCers have said.  He isn’t any ‘other’ MLCer, he is my beloved H!  The ‘same’ thing coming out of his mouth takes on a whole lot of emoitonal meaning because he is precious to me.  Other MLCers have nothing to do with me.  Just as my kids spouted the same nonsense like all other teenagers and I knew about what they all say (eg. Parents just don’t get it)  it does not mean that I don’t need to listen to them.  What they said was straight from the teenager manual but I listened to them with my heart. Same with my MLCer.  It’s not just the content, though very captivating, but it’s the building of trust and relationship through talking and listening that is very beneficial to both of us.  I can feel a little bit more of the wall coming down every time we talk, never mind about what. 

I actually find it enlightening to listen to H talk about what he has learned.  So far, he has not talked about what the ‘fog’ was like.  He may never talk about it and that’s perfectly fine with me.  I’m currently learning what issues he was dealing with and what the ‘new’ Mr. Acorn is.  I’m kind of planning on spending the rest of my life with him (he expressed the same) so it’s important that I hear carefully to what he has to say. I spend my time and attention on his words.  That’s respect, as well as love, I’m showing him. 

Sorry, Anjae, this is no rebuttal of any kind to your view point.  You are entitled to it.  I happen to have a different take on this listening business. 

[Anjae]

Acorn, as you know, I was talking about why I don't have an interest in listenint to Mr J.

He no longer is my beloved husband. He is not even my beloved. Just someone I once spend many years with of whom I have a vague, found memory. Maybe that makes a difference.

Years ago I would be delighted to listen to Mr J. Not anymore. Does time always changes the matter for the LBS? I don't know. To me, it did.

I prefer to be showed/seen in actions what Mr J has learned with his MLC. When he is out of the fog, of course. For now, he remains in Replay.

My cousin has far more to do with me than Mr J. He has been my cousin since I was 3 years old, stayed my cousin when the man who was my husband no longer was a hunsband, and will remain my cousin until the day one of us dies. My cousin is far more precious and important to me than Mr J.

I understand why for you it is important to listen to your husband. And why it most likely is important to many LBS to listen to their MLCer. It is not longer the case for me for the reasons I explained. Like I said, I may be willing to read what Mr J has to say. And I am all for Mr J to show me is changes. Providing they are for the better. I am not interested in changes for the worst.

[Acorn]

I understand, Anjae.  If I were in your situation, I might think the same way.  It is interesting to see different perspectives depending on what R looks like and how much time has passed.
Thanks for sharing your POV many years down and under difference circumstances. 

If someone were in your position and adopted my attitude, it may not be best for LBS’s emotional health.  And if someone was in my position and adopted your attitude toward listening, it may not be helpful for rebuilding M. 

Horses for courses.  Right, Anjae?

[GonerinGhana]

I think listening and talking should be a two way street. It's great to show all this compassion for your H, but sometimes your approach seems to be a bit too much sacrificing yourself to be honest. You deserve to be listened to just as much as he does. But that's your choice. However, you've learned a lot during this whole process too. Why aren't YOU sharing that with your husband?

[Anjae]

If someone were in your position and adopted my attitude, it may not be best for LBS’s emotional health.  And if someone was in my position and adopted your attitude toward listening, it may not be helpful for rebuilding M. 

Agree.

Horses for courses.  Right, Anjae?

Indeed.

[xyzcf]

Dear Acorn and you Beloved husband... I do consider my husband "beloved". I think that our religious faith and beliefs have a great deal to do with how we treat our spouses....forgiveness being a big part of it. Those beliefs will impact how we respond to our beloveds.

I talked a great deal in our marriage...indeed one of my divorceable offense was I talked too much (the other is I am too intense).....if he were ever to start talking to me, I'd be very happy to listen to him.

There is also a difference in what people think should happen when a MLCer wishes to reconcile...some people feel the need to have all their questions answered, some feel the need to "hold their feet to the fire" others will be ok with letting the past remain in the past....

Once again, it is the individual's couple's way of interacting, building up trust and honesty...we always say it will be a new marriage and indeed it is.

[Acorn]

Goner, you make blunt but good comments and ask delving questions.  That’s my Goner!

A two way street is good.  Just different volume of traffic each way right now.  His words are tumbling out.  He gets more lanes.  I’m whole, he is trying to be whole.  He gets to talk a lot, I get to hear a lot. 

I don’t feel in anyway that I’m sacrificing.  What’s there to sacrifice???  My H has fully committed himself to me and M, he told me he loves me, he loves to talk with me about his issues and his visions for the future, and respectfully listens to my views.  He couldn’t be more courteous and considerate toward me.  This is my dream come true! I could not have imagined this scene a couple of years ago.  One is deemed to be sacrificing if she loses much in the process.  I’m not losing but gaining tremendously.

I deserve to be heard?  Sure, everyone deserves to be heard.  Only if the listener does not know what you are about to say.  He knows how much and deeply I suffered.  I don’t need to tell him again for the 10th time!  Besides, I do not feel any need to talk about my pain again.  I’m healed.

I don’t need to spell out what I have learned.  H is not deaf and dumb, nor is he dull.  He can see I kept my core, added a few positive attributes and got rid of some I didn’t care to keep.  The fact that he continues to talk to me about his innermost thoughts are a proof  he KNOWS what I have learned.  He knows he has an empathetic listener in me.  He knows I have gained some measure of humility (I used have an answer for everything!  blush!); I’m no longer judgemental but more understanding; I have become much more patient; I’ve learned to zip judiciously and that I mentor many people in real life.  Would he talk to me if I didn’t learn those positive things?  I don’t think so...

If I have to talk about my newly learned lessons to make him see them, that’d not much of a lesson in my view.   We look for actions, not words from MLCer,  I think it is the same for LBS and everyone else. 

[Acorn]

Just saw your comment, xyzcf.  I agree with every word you said.  I wish to remain true to my character and my faith.  I have no desire or need to ‘copy’ the way other people handled their situations while reconciling and rebuilding.  We are unique in every way. 

[hopeandfaith]

Acorn it sounds like your actions are being very well heard .

I would be more than happy to be a sounding board for my H if he wanted to process his learning via talking to me.  Men don't traditionally sort their thoughts that way so it's very interesting (if that's what he is doing).

I would also encourage the self focus because my H has leaned on me emotionally far more than I have on him and he has also been known to get a bit miffed at the thought of me not needing him.  Anything that looks like he is finding his way to 'found' would be a joy for me to observe (and participate in).