Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting. How??  (Read 2591 times)

Offline FaithWalker

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #90 on: February 10, 2019, 07:40:31 PM »
Happy belated birthday Acorn!  And what a lovely day it was! 
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #91 on: February 11, 2019, 08:49:12 AM »
Dear Believer, xyzcf, Goner, Music, Anjae, Milly, Rose and FW, thank you so much for rejoicing with me.
Your comments help me keep posting, though I do often hesitate to do so...

———————

I accepted a gift from H yesterday with gratitude and joy.  He tried to push this particular gift on me several times during our tentative reconnecting stage.  I politely demurred and did not bite the bait of guilt offering.  I accepted it yesterday because I could see gifting was not about him, it was about me.  He’s been expressing sincerely for some time how much I would enjoy using it and how it was going to make my life easier.  If I sensed a whiff of ‘guilt offering’, I would have refused.  It would be tainted.  That’s just me.

He went to the store and found out everything about the gift, chose the right assistant to help me in case I wanted to drop by and try it out, and even instructed the assistant the most effective way to teach me (he knows me too well.  I’m a technology dumbo.) about the product. 

Just to illustrate the difference in H’s attitude toward me while he was in the thick fog of MLC and right now:

I was just a ‘thing’ to him for a long time.  A chair maybe, or even a mote.  There was nothing I could do change his perception of me, or, rather, no perception of me.  The best thing was to leave him to his blindness and go do my own thing.  Who wants to be a tiny speck of mote to his/her spouse?  Not me, not you.  That has all changed now.  I and my welfare seem to have become his priority in every way.  He is acutely aware of my presence in his life and he simply cannot do enough for me.  I’m at the forefront of his thoughts. 

————————

He was missing in action on Saturday and I was triggered.  See, he used to lie (work, exercise, blah, blah) and go meet OW on weekends.  I hadn’t been triggered like this for a while but, for some unknown reason, it happened last Saturday when he was out for a couple of hours.  I guess it didn’t help that he didn’t tell me where he was going. 

It turns out that he was looking into that said gift in secret to surprise me...

There you go.  The same disappearing act but for a different person and different purpose.   

In the thick fog:  to see OW and all about him
Now: for me and all about me. 

————————
Something I need to share.  I usually hesitate before I click ‘post’.  My story seems to be too sunny to share on HS...  I’m thinking the same reason might play a role in other people stop posting when they are well into reconnecting?  Just a thought
« Last Edit: February 11, 2019, 08:59:28 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #92 on: February 11, 2019, 09:18:23 AM »
Being triggered by his disappearing act is completely understandable. I would have felt the same way.

Please don't hesitate to post. I know I appreciate all the sunshine I can get!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #93 on: February 11, 2019, 09:24:15 AM »
Acorn

Yes it may well be the reason people stop posting but the weight of appreciation is heavy from us reading along so please don’t stop. It helps so much don’t ever think otherwise.

I guess if someone reconnects with their MLCer and they move back home then the LBS will have a new routine and their posts could fall away. You are keeping up doing as you were which probably helps you too.

I had a question about rings, did your H wear his/take his off/put it on again? My H left his here when he moved out.

Keep posting! We need you!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016
BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017
EA with same MOW Jan 2017 until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #94 on: February 11, 2019, 09:27:56 AM »
I have heard some stop posting because they just want to put that phase of their life behind them and coming here will just remind them.

Of course there also could be some who are jealous of your thread but I think they probably just read silently and stew in their own juices, and save all their energy for the threads where people bash their spouses.

My H is not as far along as yours but I was reading the RCR article on touch and goes vs. reconnection the other day and he definitely checks all the boxes for the latter and the touch and go and anchor checking behavior is over. However, I choose not to post that much about it because he still runs back into the tunnel and gets angry sometimes or simply goes quiet and distant for a while. There's still a long way to go. It makes me feel like people are giving me the evil eye when I post something good and then he blows up two hours later That's just my reason for not posting. He happens to be in a foul mood at the moment so I am not so worried about mentioning it now.  ;D But in the last week he has been reconnecting with our favorite TV programs and even his FB account, so that's progress. Last month he reconnected with the house (the remodel we did helped a lot with that)  But I do appreciate your posts, especially the recent one where you said a year ago you wouldn't have expected your H to be where he is today.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2019, 09:33:29 AM by GonerinGhana »

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #95 on: February 11, 2019, 09:52:16 AM »
Thanks, PJ. :)

Rose, we never exchanged rings in the first place.  Neither of us could wear rings because of our professions.  We decided to wear rings on our hearts...

Goner, I’m glad to read that there has been some progress and you are reconnecting!   I would love to read your story and rejoice with you.  If there are people not being able break out in smile for another person’s good progress in their relationship, they seriously need to look within... Never mind about them, Goner.  I would like to believe that the majority of people on HS are kind souls who wish others well.   I simply cannot imagine people getting smug satisfaction when reading about other’s setbacks.  That is no better than the attitude of OW toward LBS!   

My hesitation comes from the fact that my story these days is very different from the majority on HS.  I feel embarrassed at my own good ‘fortune’.  However, I keep posting because it is a record of my journey and it is good to add my story to the archives. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Thunder

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #96 on: February 11, 2019, 10:05:46 AM »
Acorn, my goodness why would anyone feel nothing but happiness for your reconciliation?
It is proof it can and does happen.  It gives most people hope.

If it doesn't oh well that is their problem...not ours.
I read all your posts and they are very encouraging and informative.   :)

Hugs!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #97 on: February 11, 2019, 10:45:36 AM »
Your posts bring a great deal of hope to people. I smile each time I read them.

I think that people stop posting when they are reconnecting because they either stopped posting before the reconnection occurred or they do not need to come here anymore.

The few that continue to post are very very welcomed and appreciated.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #98 on: February 11, 2019, 10:52:29 AM »

 My story seems to be too sunny to share on HS...  I’m thinking the same reason might play a role in other people stop posting when they are well into reconnecting?  Just a thought

I must respectfully disagree Acorn.  Your story isn't sunny, YOU are. I am happy as are many others that you continue to share. But your story has as many dark parts to it as many others, certainly in the beginning. You just choose to focus on your own mirror work and the positives. And that my friend is amazing.  I love reading your posts, whether it is on your thread, mine or anywhere else you post. Always so thoughtful and specific. You have a way of making people think and offering different perspectives without ever appearing condescending or rude.

Now how's that for sunshine? ;)
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Thunder

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #99 on: February 11, 2019, 12:48:23 PM »
((Applause))) Kit!!!

 ;D ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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