Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Reconnecting. How??  (Read 2587 times)

Offline Anjae

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #110 on: February 11, 2019, 06:18:03 PM »
Don't remember that HB article. Took a look at her sitemap, but don't find anything who may have to do with it. Maybe the name is not obvious. RCR has https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_coming-and-going_being-number-one.html - Being Number One, but it also isn't exactly about how the MLCers treats the spouse after MLC.

There is also an article about the last stages of MLC, rebirth and reintegration: https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_rebirth-and-reintegration.html


My cousin who had MLC was a live-in wallower. Never went anywhere, never had OW. If his wife was here telling their story it all would seem easy and rosy, and yet it was not so easy. Mostly because of his depression. Of course it was all easy compared with what many of us deal with.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #111 on: February 11, 2019, 09:14:37 PM »
Acorn-I don't know what article you are talking about but the other day I came across this page from her and it actually contains some expanded info on the final stages that you won't find elsewhere:
https://heartsblessing.org/index.php?topic=6.0

Offline GonerinGhana

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #112 on: February 11, 2019, 09:17:15 PM »
Ditto what the others have said!

Acorn, your posts only ENCOURAGE us to stay the course and to continue our Stand.  Of course we all envy you, but it's "envy" in a good/positive way.  Like -- I want what she has, and I'm gonna GET it.


That's how a lot of OWs think. ::)

If you want your H back for himself, then that is the right attitude. If you want him back just so you can be like other people, frankly, if he does come out of the tunnel, he deserves better than that.

Online Treasur

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #113 on: February 11, 2019, 11:26:34 PM »
I would humbly agree with others that sharing your story is valuable as part of the wider picture. You often put 'health warnings' that this is only your experience of your h and your situation and your perspective. And it took years to get to where you are right now. As I recall, you were not around to post about the worst of it when it was far from a sunny story?

People will take what they want from all of the different posts, sometimes wisely and sometimes less so. I think quite a few people who start to reconnect or who put the MLC times behind them in different ways feel reluctant to post in the face of the pain and shock of newbies as we all remember that feeling. But there are things to share that you have learned which might help others and that seems to me to be the heart of why we are all here.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #114 on: February 13, 2019, 03:48:47 PM »
Late to the party but wanted to thank you for your continued sharing Acorn.  We all may not be on the same path as you, but we have all learned very valuable lessons from your journey.  You should never feel bad about sharing the good.  It gives us all some rays of hope that there is a chance our spouses will find their way out. 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #115 on: February 14, 2019, 04:21:30 AM »
Feb 14.  A day of memories for people who celebrate this day. 
Commercials feature infatuated couples.  Alas, how shallow and fleeing is their perception of love... 

LOVE:

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud.
It does not dishonour others
It is not self-seeking
It is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects,
always trusts,
always hopes,
always perseveres.

Many points in the above is a checklist for my self love, for that is the way I learn what it is to love another as myself.  Am I patient and kind to myself?  Am I honouring myself?  Do I protect myself? Etc., etc., etc.....

I hope you are all administering some serious love to yourself today and everyday!

(((((((HUGS)))))))




« Last Edit: February 14, 2019, 04:24:24 AM by Acorn »
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #116 on: February 14, 2019, 05:25:15 AM »
1 Corinthians 13. Was one of the readings at my wedding. I think of it often. Early after BD I remember thinking of it in agony and how wronged I was by my H. How he failed me in doing what loved “required.” Now I’ve turned it back on myself. Since I am the only one I control. And somehow the beauty re-emerged. Thanks for the reminder Acorn. Happy Valentines Day.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Nas

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #117 on: February 14, 2019, 05:29:29 AM »
This was a beautiful framed painting that hung over our bed for almost our entire relationship.  Clearly, my H never actually read it.  :(
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline AcornTopic starter

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #118 on: February 14, 2019, 05:38:29 AM »
KIT and Nas, that biblical definition of love can be understood only by emotionally mature people.  Alas, MLCers’ emotional age is around the time they discover puppy love.  Infatuation. 

Hugs to you both.

——————

An update.

Peace rules in our family. 

I can almost hear a collective sigh from each member.  It is the intuitive knowing of ‘the worst is over and we are in recovery’.  My kids look, talk and behave in such a way that speaks of an immense relief, a firm sense of belonging, and their confidence that love is now a two-way street with H. 

I have come to another level of peace.  I had thought I was serene enough before our serious reconneting started just over a year ago.  My serenity was in everyday living.  Now I feel peace at a higher level.  It’s difficult to explain but the word that describes it best is ‘settled within’.  There are no question marks remaining in me.  Total acceptance of the way things are.  Our R could stall at this stage of reconciliation and rebuilding.  I’m not afraid of that.  My elevated sense of peace comes from completely surrendering the outcome to God.  It is all good in my soul. 

I feel the same kind of peace in H.  We had a beautiful sermon last Sunday and he is still talking about it, sometimes with tears in his eyes.  It was about trusting and loving God completely and giving our worldly burdens to Him, and in turn, God gives peace to us.  He knew that in theory all his life but now he feels it at the core of his heart. 

About the order of reconnecting.  People say the most important person in MLCer’s life is the last one he reconnects with.  I would have thought God would the last one as He was the centre of H’s life, pre-MLC.  However, it was God with whom H reconnected first.  His renewed faith fired up his desire to do God’s will. Everything else flowed on from that.  He did the ‘right’ things by me and kids, motivated by his dutiful obedience to God.  In hindsight, I see that H determinedly kept at those ‘right’ things until his actions became more than mere ‘actions’ - they became the expression of love in his heart. 

I write all this down as they come to my mind.  These written reflections help me see the big picture in H’s recovery process.
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Thunder

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Re: Reconnecting. How??
« Reply #119 on: February 14, 2019, 05:39:38 AM »
Thank you, Acorn.

I will give myself some serious love today, as ordered.

Happy Valentine's Day to you!   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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