Author Topic: My Story Helping Me in this MLC 6  (Read 1578 times)

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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My Story Helping Me in this MLC 6
« on: February 04, 2019, 06:14:30 AM »
New thread time.
Little Fruit Bat is still good. It's been a little over a month. Nothing really spectacular this week. Just easing along.
She's still doing alot if little things for me. Asking me if I need anything daily. Sweet little text every morning.
I'm still staying as I am. Staying busy as I can. The mire I stay busy with me, the more she's coming toward me.
Hoping she keeps climbing out of the hole.

Have a goid week my friends.

Previous thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10540.0
« Last Edit: February 04, 2019, 06:49:13 AM by Thunder »

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #1 on: February 04, 2019, 06:40:47 AM »
It sounds good, Helping!  You let her be and heal at her own rate and I’m sure that is one of the reasons she keeps extending goodwill toward you.

It must feel so nice to receive those ‘sweet texts’.  I’d imagine it wouldn’t do any harm to return the favour now and then.  You know,  show your appreciation.  MLCer or not, people like to be acknowledged.  I guess you are doing that already. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #2 on: February 04, 2019, 07:49:00 AM »
Following along, Helping!   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online One day at a time

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #3 on: February 04, 2019, 08:30:24 AM »
Following along Helping!! Great to hear FB is still doing well.. A bit jealous about the sweet texts I must admit!!  :D  You deserve them my friend!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #4 on: February 04, 2019, 08:32:38 AM »
Following Helping.  You keep being you.  That is awesome news!
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #5 on: February 04, 2019, 12:16:54 PM »
Gosh new thread time!

Hoping you have a peaceful one, with a bit of happiness and fun too!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #6 on: February 05, 2019, 06:23:54 AM »
Thank You Ladies. 
I am responding in the same way I receive a text. Some days I will send a text first.  If she's sweet and mooshy, well I go with the flow.  Most every morning her text are like that. During the day it's more just normal chat.
I'm always gone when she wakes up. She has about an hour every morning to herself.  I'm sure her mind is running in circles then.
She text this morning and said , We make a good team don't we??
It has been busy. Ball, taxes, work. She has always done out taxes and the church. That is a huge thing.  But she sent the text thanking me for helping out with things  and the team text followed. 
Those little things make my day start out good.
Have a good one friends.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #7 on: February 05, 2019, 06:33:24 AM »
Attaching

« Last Edit: February 05, 2019, 07:27:27 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #8 on: February 05, 2019, 07:37:30 AM »
Aw so cute, UM!!!   ;D
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #9 on: February 05, 2019, 07:46:39 AM »
Aw so cute, UM!!!   ;D

Not much is cuter than a fruit bat wrapped up in a blanky eating watermelon....  ;D
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online PJ Ames

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #10 on: February 05, 2019, 07:56:19 AM »
Following along. Sounds like you're doing great. Keep doing your thing!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #11 on: February 05, 2019, 10:52:45 AM »
Sounding great Helping. I know there is really nothing we LBS can do to "help" the MLCer thorough his or her journey. But, staying out of the way and letting them proceed on their own is necessary. And I read somewhere once that doing nothing is the hardest thing to "do." And I believe it.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #12 on: February 05, 2019, 12:05:31 PM »
UM
Thanks for the laugh my friend. I'm just glad it's her eating watermelon . She fed me crumbs out of her hand for too long. Boy am I glad I got past that.
Thanks for following along PJ and Kit.
Kit your so right doing nothing is hard. I still fight the urge to try and help. I don't think it will ever go away.
I also have the feeling of THIS IS TOO GOOD TOO BE TRUE!!!!
Everyday!!! Just ANOTHER hurdle to get over in MLC mind games.


Offline Silver

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #13 on: February 08, 2019, 12:07:03 AM »
OMG is that a fruit bat UM?!
So cute! I want one for myself  ;D

Attaching Helping, you're a good man and deserve the situation getting better, believe it will continue but remember to protect yourself.
Your wife is a lucky woman.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #14 on: February 11, 2019, 05:04:55 AM »
Thanks for the kind words Silver. Yes UM is one of a kind. I have the most respect for ones that are here day in and day giving support .  Something I struggle with , not being able to be supportive lately.

One more week down. My Little FB is still good. Last week she was the most supportive to me since this $h!tstorm began.
My world was turned upside down last week. Tuesday S17 was kicked off of the baseball team. The next day I was ask to step down as a coach. S17 was only senior and the 2 juniors , 2 sophomores and one freshman walked off in support of S17. I still don't know whole story.  I'm inn the dark really. I'm sick to my stomach over all of it.
The support from parents and the kids is all good. Still trying to hold the team together from the outside, but it's out of my hands now. I figure by this week there will not be a baseball team. The whole deal is just sickening.  Small town drama crap. 
My main SUPPORT has come from my W. I fell off the map a few days. I figured this would push her back too, but it didn't. 
For the first time she dropped all of her selfish actions and cane to me.  She has talked alot thus last week. Nothing just outright MLC. But one thing stood out. She said you don't deserve this Helping. You have had to deal with enough lately, you definetly don't deserve this!!!
I did fall into the victim mode.  I never used to be like that. But I'm moving on . Nothing I can do.
The FB also said we have more time as a family now.  Maybe this is a good thing. S17 is ok too. He handled it better than I thought he would. Between S17 and W being there for me, I'm good as well.
Just checking in. Things are still good.
Have a good week my friends.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #15 on: February 11, 2019, 06:15:48 AM »
Helping,

I'm not happy about what happened to you and your son, but it was so nice to hear your wife supported you like she did.

That's some real good movement on her part.  I hope it continues to get better and better.   :)

Big Hug!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #16 on: February 11, 2019, 06:46:47 AM »
Man, Helping, that is just Male Bovine Excrement....

Well, whoever decided to stir the turd will get it all back since half the team walked off....

Who asked you to step down? What reasons did they give for their request?

Small town drama is right....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #17 on: February 11, 2019, 07:21:58 AM »
Oh no Help

This is your last year too isn’t it. S17 too? Assume it’s not to do with OM or his W?

Glad W was supporting you. She’s right you don’t deserve this. Actually that’s an understatement. That’s good you are coping ok. It’s still all wrong though

Sending you a hug 🤗
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #18 on: February 11, 2019, 07:47:00 AM »
As your FB said, there is a beautiful silver lining in your new situation, Helping. 
These things happen for a reason even if you can’t see it right now.  The only thing we can do is to make a good use of it.  Arrange some family activities, take in a movie or two together, etc.

FB is cooking very nicely!  You are not opening the oven door to poke and check.  Good for you!
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online One day at a time

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #19 on: February 11, 2019, 08:29:59 AM »
Sorry to hear about what happened to you and your son.. The support you got from the other members of the team clearly shows who's at fault here, right? But at least is good to see that FB is supporting you!! That's really nice to hear, she's making progress, I'm so happy for you!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online PJ Ames

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #20 on: February 11, 2019, 09:01:48 AM »
Sorry about the baseball drama. That really sucks.

Glad your FB is being supportive. If this would have happened in the past, she probably would have responded differently. So your work and patience has paid off.

Sorry you're having to deal with this on top of everything else. But you've survived worse and I'm sure you'll survive this and come out OK.

Take care, Buddy.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #21 on: February 11, 2019, 10:55:41 AM »
Well that is just crappy! It kinda seems personal.

Wow--way to go FB stepping it up! Great silver lining.

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #22 on: February 12, 2019, 04:43:05 AM »
Thanks my friends.
UM
Head Coach ask me to step down. As for explanation?? I wasn't given one besides, He thought it was best.
Rose it is S17 Senior year. He is finished now. Just waiting on graduation. He was only taking classes to play ball.
Nothing to do with OM. More with small town politics.
Thunder, OneDay, Acorn , PJ, and Kit
I agree baseball issue is a minor thing compared to MLC. Most important thing was my W being there for me. I hope she continues.
As for the team , 5 more kids walked off yesterday.  3 of boys came to my house last night. They are clueless and so am I.
The truth will all come out in time.

As for the Fruit Bat she is still doing Good. My mind still thinks too good , but I'm trying to get past that.
She told me last night, this weekend was kickoff tournament weekend. We have to find US something to do now!
Thanks for all the support my friends.
Have a good one.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #23 on: February 12, 2019, 05:13:46 AM »
I guess that, if you look to see who he replaces you with, you'll find where the real problem is/was.... I despise politics like that with a passion...

Guess that tournament probably won't go so well if 1/4 of the team is missing, will it?

The support you got form within your house though was amazing, incl FB..... I'd say that is real progress.... Enjoy what it is and how it is... That is all you can do, right? It is rather the opposite of dealing with the BD but in some ways similar - one day at a time but in a positive direction....
« Last Edit: February 12, 2019, 05:16:41 AM by UrsaMajor »
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #24 on: February 12, 2019, 07:07:10 AM »
You are right UM.  It's a sad deal. The games have been forfeited.  Not enough kids to play. As said. Not my circus.
Acorn said it. Everything happens for a reason.
My concern is on my family.
I feel as if progress from my W is real. It feels real. I kniw some have shown real movement and run again. 
I've been at this long enough and read enough to know it's a long way from over.
Just trying to stay as I am and ease along.  I am enjoying the peace.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #25 on: February 12, 2019, 09:48:51 AM »
Yep, easing along and letting FB cook away at her own speed are the only way. 
When was the last time anyone could hurry a teenager to grow up?  Never. 
Life happens (we can do nothing to manufacture that) and they are sometimes forced to grow up quicker than others.  Mostly though, we let them grow up at their own pace with firm boundaries in place.  MLCers are no different, I found out! 

You are doing fabulously, Helping!  Your temperament is such an asset for a LBS.  It does not mean that you are a pushover.  It means you are patient and gracious enough to allow her to use TIME to grow and heal. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #26 on: February 13, 2019, 04:05:23 PM »
Helping.  Sorry about all the turbulence outside your home.  Great news on the calmness that has lasted inside your home!  I hope it continues for you.  I have hit a calm streak and I am basking in it!  I'm always on edge for when it may end though.  Hope FB can continue to heal and you can too.  I never realized how much what I thought may have been boring times before BD are the times that I actually crave now.  Hope things on the baseball end straighten themselves out. 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Online Whyus

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #27 on: February 14, 2019, 12:36:26 AM »
So sorry about the Baseball bull$h!te helping. That sucks for sure and that others are dropping out tells you everything about the bad discision making which has gone on.
Maybe, this is a Little Blessing in disguise for you and your W (I intentionally wrote W instead of FB). As she said, you get  to spend more time together which may not be heaven atm but her saying it alone is huge.

All the best mate, your doing great.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #28 on: February 18, 2019, 09:13:04 AM »
Thank you Acorn , Roo, and Whyus. 
W is still good . Better anyway. It doesn't take much improvement to be better. But it's still peaceful.
I got W a card and a small gift for Valentine's.  She didn't get me anything. Funny thing it didnt affect me much at all. She was very appreciative of my gift. Thanked me on text. And then a hug and a kiss when I got home. The Little holiday still affects her, so it's obvious she still cooking.

Her actions are still good. So I'm still easing along. She had a few quiet moments this weekend.  But I just let her be. I'm GOOD, that's all that matters really. I know it's a long road ahead. So it's just more time.
Have a good week my friends.

Online PJ Ames

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #29 on: February 18, 2019, 09:22:58 AM »
Congrats on the peacefulness. I'm glad you're good. Have a great week yourself.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #30 on: February 18, 2019, 09:31:13 AM »
Help

Did W get you card/present for VD before MLC?

Have you any way of finding something to replace your coaching? Another club maybe? It’s such a big deal them kicking you out after the years and years you did and this being your final year. Don’t be hard on yourself if this has hit you bad. Coupled with getting nothing on VD and this whole MLC I feel for you.

This past couple of weeks will have hit you hard. I wish you could get a treat or some kind of proper love for you. Are your parents saying anything about the coaching? Don’t hold it in, tell them how hard it’s been. You need unconditional love from somewhere and W isn’t quite there yet it seems.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #31 on: February 18, 2019, 09:36:07 AM »
Her actions are still good. So I'm still easing along. She had a few quiet moments this weekend.  But I just let her be. I'm GOOD, that's all that matters really. I know it's a long road ahead. So it's just more time.

Do you have any idea you just stated 3 most important elements in LBS’s life?
You absolutely, totally, nailed it!

Let her be
You are good (you live your life)
It takes time.

Wow...
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #32 on: February 18, 2019, 10:41:40 AM »
Thanks PJ and Acorn
Peace is good. Hell I don't need much. Ha.
Any little bit is better than last year. A few smiles and some normal conversation goes a long way.
Rose
She always gave a card. Gifts, not so much. We would always plan a night out to eat or something. 
My parents have been supportive over ball issue. I'm staying busy at work. More hours, but it passes the time. Back in the gym too. We may have an hour together each day before bed. 
So I'm staying busy as I can. I will keep my mind busy.  Less time to think, the better it is.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #33 on: February 18, 2019, 03:44:18 PM »
That’s great Help. You sound good.

Glad your support system is working for you. I guess more hours at work means more money too - win win!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #34 on: March 04, 2019, 05:27:16 AM »
Just a little update.
W is still good. Few days shy of 2 months of good too.
Nothing spectacular.  No R talks . It's just been nice and peaceful. 
I have calmed down a bit. The fun and butterflies from her happy return have worn off I guess, ha. Now people I'm still very happy to have my W changing. My guard is still there. It will be awhile before I can let it down.
I am enjoying.the peace. I guess thats all I can ask for.

Have a wonderful week my friends

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #35 on: March 04, 2019, 08:31:25 AM »
Calm is good.  Calm is very good. 

It’s amazing how when they stop their bat $h!te  crazy behaviors we can relax just a little too.  I know this is when I was able to start healing myself.  While they are in replay we are so busy getting ready for the next punch we are unable to focus on ourselves.

You are doing great Helping.  Moving forward with peace yet remaining guarded is a good plan.  I think I may be headed for a long run of it too. 
« Last Edit: March 04, 2019, 08:42:24 AM by 9393roo »
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Lbs1

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #36 on: March 04, 2019, 10:31:32 AM »
That is so very true!!!

As my husband started to move past replay I was able to clear my head.
The best advice I ever received was to Detach, Distance and Defamiliarize...When you cut the rope from him, you start to see things more clearly and start to count your blessings. I would never have imagined that my own husband moving out of our family home would be seen as a blessing in disguise later on, but that's how I see it now.
God knows what we need and he will direct all things to help us navigate thru this emotional storm.
 
Once I stopped watching his every move I was able to understand a lot more actually. Distance from his irrational behavior was the place I needed to be.
There is hope if there is Love!

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #37 on: March 04, 2019, 10:38:12 AM »
Thanks for the update Helping. Deep wounds take a long time to heal, but you sound good.

I agree with Roo - moving forward calm but guarded is the way to go. I know I let my guard down once and got gobsmacked with Round 2, but you sound like you have a good handle on it.

Think about how far you've come - not many men would have made it to where you are. Well done!

Quote
The best advice I ever received was to Detach, Distance and Defamiliarize...When you cut the rope from him, you start to see things more clearly and start to count your blessings. I would never have imagined that my own husband moving out of our family home would be seen as a blessing in disguise later on, but that's how I see it now.
Totally agree Queen! My wife moved out for 5 days in November. I hated it at the time, but in retrospect it helped me take a big step forward. 
« Last Edit: March 04, 2019, 10:40:43 AM by PJ Ames »
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline shopgirl

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #38 on: March 07, 2019, 08:00:28 PM »
It's been a while, following along Help. :)
M: 43
H: 42
Married: 20 yrs
D19 & S18
Discovered ow 19 months ago, had been going on for 8 months prior- at this point, I believe ow is gone.
Was in replay for 32 months (approx)
Lived at home until 11 months ago- now lives in his office and sleeps in a sleeping bag.  Has moved back in & out 3 times, is showing the desire to be with me & the kids as a family, just not strong enough to do it yet.
Depression & Withdrawal are evident and come & go.  When they aren't as heavy, he is in continuous contact with me, when they engulf him, he is a hermit and talks to no-one.  I've seen a pattern on 4 days "on", 4 days "off"... He has been consistent in this for a little over two months.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #39 on: March 08, 2019, 12:36:13 PM »
Thanks Roo , PJ , Queen
Yes it has been easier last 2 months. There hasn't been one hic-up between us. Now she's had some quiet days, but I just run for the hills. Stay clear of her. Before the day is out, she will come to me. I'll get few little things explaining why she was quiet. So it's alot easier on me. 
But , main thing is I've worked more on me in the last 2 months than I have in the last 2 years.  I don't worry anymore about is she talking to Mr. A$$hole, or where she's at. I just do my thing.
Just more of the dreaded time word. I really hate that word.

Shopgirl, glad to have you along for sure. Hope you are good.


Have a good weekend my friends.


Offline Lbs1

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #40 on: March 08, 2019, 12:47:54 PM »
Helping,
I noticed that when I found things to do early in the day I often had better days. I truly enjoy making changes in the house without having to ask anyone. It gives me a measure of control and satisfaction. Recently I painted my fireplace and a wall in my living room and it was so satisfying. It made me feel like I’m worth and I have a life besides my mlc husband. I also enjoy getting a 90 minutes massage every now and then. I started a new diet and I just feel so much better now. I’m finally able to focus on me and what I actually want and need from my life. The funny thing is that once I started focusing on myself, so did my h. He is always asking my kids where am I, what am I doing when he calls. Recently he has been more gentle around me and even said that he wants to reconcile.
Hang in there and look for things that satisfy yourself. It increases your worth and self satisfaction.
Have a great weekend!
The Queen
There is hope if there is Love!

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #41 on: March 11, 2019, 08:02:19 AM »
Thanks Queen. 
I'll keep up MY stuff and stay busy.
W is still good. She is trying so hard to get back to who she used to be. 
The Little miss independent is slowly slipping away. She ask me to do things now. If you have time can you??? Can you help me????? It's always in the nicest way when she ask me. Of course I help her.  I always have in the past. But it's been long time since she has ask anything of me. 

Still hasn't been any dramatic conversations about our M. No mention of anything MLC. I'm still just letting it all go. I hope I can wake up one day and it is gone.  She does say things, it's like she speaks in riddles, but I catch what she's saying. It's always about somebody else. But I know she is talking about her issues. Her little mind is still spinning. Just more time.

Have a wonderful week my friends.

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #42 on: March 11, 2019, 08:41:43 AM »
Helping,

We continue to be on quite the same timeline.  I see the exact same things from my H.  My son came to visit this weekend we have not seen him since Christmas.  He said to me when he was leaving “I think Dad is back”. We also had a family dinner with our good family friend, as she was leaving for the evening she gave my H a hug and said “ You seem so different than you have been, very calm and kind much like you used to be”  He was not happy about this as it pointed out that something was wrong with him before.  This is also the same friend that last year when she hugged him goodbye she whispered in his ear “ You hurt my friend again I will kick your a$$”. So, she’s pretty blunt. 

Letting them cook, not pointing out the past and being kind and reassuring to them right now is pretty much the only way we can move forward.  I’m glad you continue to have calm.  It helps so much in our own journey towards healing.  I know what you mean by the feeling it could all fall apart at any moment, but this time I know that if it does I’m walking away.  My H knows this too. 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #43 on: March 11, 2019, 09:10:02 AM »
Things sound good, Helping.

She is figuring it out.   :)

Just keep being you.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #44 on: March 11, 2019, 11:18:05 AM »
You sound good, Helping. Thanks for the update.

A few years ago I had this moment where my S had said something grownup. And it occurred to me that he was no longer a petulant teenager but an actual functioning adult. When did that happen? There wasn't any dramatic moment where he crossed some line into adulthood, but it had gradually become obvious. I'm hoping for a similar transition for my W's crisis.

Your W sounds like she's cooking nicely. Enjoy the calm waters. I'm happy for you.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline shopgirl

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #45 on: March 11, 2019, 11:55:31 AM »
You sound good, Helping. Thanks for the update.

A few years ago I had this moment where my S had said something grownup. And it occurred to me that he was no longer a petulant teenager but an actual functioning adult. When did that happen? There wasn't any dramatic moment where he crossed some line into adulthood, but it had gradually become obvious. I'm hoping for a similar transition for my W's crisis.

Your W sounds like she's cooking nicely. Enjoy the calm waters. I'm happy for you.

This is how I believe it to be as well... but never seen it in writing.  copying and pasting into my notes.  Thank you for sharing!
M: 43
H: 42
Married: 20 yrs
D19 & S18
Discovered ow 19 months ago, had been going on for 8 months prior- at this point, I believe ow is gone.
Was in replay for 32 months (approx)
Lived at home until 11 months ago- now lives in his office and sleeps in a sleeping bag.  Has moved back in & out 3 times, is showing the desire to be with me & the kids as a family, just not strong enough to do it yet.
Depression & Withdrawal are evident and come & go.  When they aren't as heavy, he is in continuous contact with me, when they engulf him, he is a hermit and talks to no-one.  I've seen a pattern on 4 days "on", 4 days "off"... He has been consistent in this for a little over two months.

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #46 on: March 11, 2019, 04:01:34 PM »
You sound good, Helping. Thanks for the update.

A few years ago I had this moment where my S had said something grownup. And it occurred to me that he was no longer a petulant teenager but an actual functioning adult. When did that happen? There wasn't any dramatic moment where he crossed some line into adulthood, but it had gradually become obvious. I'm hoping for a similar transition for my W's crisis.

Your W sounds like she's cooking nicely. Enjoy the calm waters. I'm happy for you.

PJ - I agree with Shopgirl. You really are an asset to this board, I love hearing your thoughts.

Help, so glad things are still peaceful and calm. You deserve that.
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #47 on: March 12, 2019, 02:44:22 AM »
We also had a family dinner with our good family friend, as she was leaving for the evening she gave my H a hug and said “ You seem so different than you have been, very calm and kind much like you used to be”  He was not happy about this as it pointed out that something was wrong with him before.  This is also the same friend that last year when she hugged him goodbye she whispered in his ear “ You hurt my friend again I will kick your a$$”. So, she’s pretty blunt. 

Letting them cook, not pointing out the past and being kind and reassuring to them right now is pretty much the only way we can move forward. 

First, can I borrow your friend?  No, just kidding...

Secondly and all jokes aside, the line above is gold. Let OTHERS tell them they've been acting like a$$es or that they went off the deep end... That way, they can't blame us for being meanies or holding grudges....
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 19 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #48 on: March 12, 2019, 03:52:21 AM »
Let OTHERS tell them they've been acting like a$$es or that they went off the deep end... That way, they can't blame us for being meanies or holding grudges....

Its not like they believe or take seriously anything we say anyways so no Point saying something in the first place (easier said than done though). IF others have the bottle to say something then so be it, all the better.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #49 on: March 12, 2019, 04:47:14 AM »
Thank You Roo, Thunder, PJ, Shopgirl, Rose, UM, and Whyus.

Thanks for the advice and encouragement to keep going. Somedays I do wonder how much more????????????
On subject of saying things.  Early on I said plenty. I said alot of things I regret. All out of anger really. So I agree Whyus, in early days, it doesn't matter what or who says it or is said. 

As ones know in my case I have hid my W's affair. My BF knows and BIL. That is it.so my W has got truth darts this whole time from family and friends talking about cheating spouses and how sorry they are. How they have destroyed their families. BF is one that jabs her the most, she doesn't knkw that he knows.  But if I would have told about her affair, I think family and friends would not say anything around her (Unless they were a real friend like Roos) they would walk on eggshells. Everybody knows that phrase. But my W has got them the whole time.
So I agree to let others do the truth darting. Not our problem.
Early on W would join in on convos about cheating spouses. Cary in with them.
Now!!!! She drops her head or ahe will even get up and walk off. So it's a matter if when????? In their journey that it matters what we say.
Once they reach where they are seeing the light a little, things we say have a huge impact on them.
My advice to any new people here, In early days get it all out. Say what you want. DO NOT ball it up. It's better to let them have it early , hell they don't care anyway. There will come a time when our silence is the most important thing(Thank You Acorn) to make it work.
Have a good one my friends.

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #50 on: March 12, 2019, 05:24:34 AM »
I recall S19 absolutely ripping into XW at ABD! He unloaded so much on her it was not nice. She literally stood there like a naughty schoolgirl with her head down, crying and agreeing with all he said.
 I stayed in the Background with my Popcorn thinking "you go for it S19, give it to her"  :D
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #51 on: March 12, 2019, 05:35:54 AM »
Helping, what you said is so true.

I said a lot of stuff to my H the first few weeks.  I didn't hold back, but it never really effected him like it would have later on, just made me feel better to unload.  He was too foggy to have anything penetrate after bd.

After a certain point...yes..zip it!   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Silver

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #52 on: March 13, 2019, 03:25:43 AM »
Catching up Helping, you are still doing great bro, not a big surprise though...

I agree about zipping up after certain point. I didn't and out of the door she left  ::) Would have perhaps done it anyway.
Ability to keep mouth zipped is a gift, which I totally lost after MLC craziness started. Never really got it back and envy you, Acorn, so many of you that still got it.
Your advice to newbies is good one Helping, though I would add the fact that if you have (small) kids, please try to do better than I did, they heard too much of what they shouldn't have (from both sides though). Hopefully everyone else are wiser than me in that.. Good to understand too that MLCer WILL most probably use your words against you one way or another, IF they remember anything  ;D
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #53 on: March 13, 2019, 05:02:54 AM »
Silver
You are right my friend. My boys were older. And they were not around for the blowups. 
I agree too the MLCer will do what they are gonna do. And first couple of little returns from my W. When she ran again, YEP!! She threw some if what I said in my face as her reason for running.
All we do trying to deal with a MLCer is a damned if you do, famed if you don't thing. So we shouldn't add much stress on ourselves should I do this or should I do that. We have to do what's best for us. Sometimes it's telling the MLCer off  , sometimes it's just flipping them the ole middle finger as they walk away. That's my silent technique . It's helps , ha.

Have a good day my friends

Offline islandgirl68

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #54 on: March 14, 2019, 02:12:39 PM »
Helping! I lost your new thread. Catching up and following along.
Me: 34
H: 36
S17; D11; D8; D4
Together 19 years, Married for 2
BD: 4/25/2017 (EA, FA)
BD: 4/10/2018 (EA same OW)
I don't know who this person is. Putting my stand in a box and burying it.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #55 on: April 15, 2019, 02:51:46 AM »
Glad to have you Island.
It's been awhile since I've posted an update. W is still being peaceful towards me. It's been a little over 3 months. Peaceful , we haven't had one cross word. She hasn't been mean or a b!@#h . Is our M anywhere close to a normal M??? No it's not. Not even close. She did chase me v ack In January when she thought I was with another woman. That lasted about a month. Things have been back to MLC , minus the hateful MLCer. I have just let her be.  I've started to do more things , I stay busy during the week. Weekends, we usually do something, she is the one asking, and the one planning them. For the most part, she is trying. Still a long way to go.
Coming up first week in May, it's our 26th Anniversary and S18 has graduation. If she makes it through that week, well it will be a huge thing. We will see.
Have a wonderful week my friends.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #56 on: April 15, 2019, 03:25:24 AM »
Helping, you are an amazingly, patient man.

I hope she turns some kind of a corner soon.  This crisis sure does last a very long time.

You sound good, and at least things are still calm.

Hugs

A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #57 on: April 15, 2019, 04:21:32 AM »
Thank You Thunder.
Everything I've done I owe to the wonderful people on this site. You are a main one of course. My W chasing me a few months ago gave me a different look at this mess,  I actually grew some #$@%# again. No doubt something is wrong in her head.  It's a sad deal. Nothing I can do though. I've said it a long time ago, S18 graduating would be the end. I'm curious to see which corner she turns then. Will it be better or worse.
I think she knows now I'm not playing the game anymore. I'm not putting up with her treating me like $#@!. Those days are over. I do finally feel I am detaching. Still in progress. I don't get mad all the time anymore. It is what it is. She has admitted enough to me in last few months, I'm not the issue. I'm not/never was a bad dad or husband. Her issues are hers.
I'll have to admit that has helped me. But she has to face her issues. I hope she can soon. I am a patient man. But I will not live forever in a M that is not a M. I said to myself I would give her until S18 graduates. I will do that.
I'm hoping she turns the good corner.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #58 on: April 15, 2019, 04:31:04 AM »
Maybe it's good to give yourself a timeline to reassess things.

Like you said you can't live in a M that is not a marriage, it's not fair for you...and nobody wants that.

See how things go the next few month and keep GAL in the mean time.
I pray she does take that turn, does or says that one thing you need to see or hear.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Silver

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #59 on: April 15, 2019, 04:57:16 AM »
Helping, you are doing good my friend.

Just wondering, what do you see happening when S18 graduates, I mean if she is still 'stucked' then?
Are you leaving her? Requesting MC?
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #60 on: April 15, 2019, 05:20:01 AM »
Helping, once again you and I are nearly in the same spot.  Things have been fairly calm around here as long as there are no R talks.  My H still cannot face himself and what happened.  In my case my H is trying to put things back the way they were before BD, but that isn’t working for me anymore and I’m voicing it.  He and his counselor are both pushing marriage counseling so I have finally agreed.  I think now he is starting to realize that if we go to counseling he is going to have to talk and it is upsetting to him.   Ugh. 

I came up with a new label for the stage we are in:  The aliens have released our spouses and they are coming off the spaceship ramp very confused stage.....

Hang in there, we can help each other out.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #61 on: April 15, 2019, 06:13:38 AM »
Quote
I'm not putting up with her treating me like $#@!. Those days are over. 

You got it, Helping. 
Strong boundaries that are strictly reinforced give you much better quality of life.  For you.
Self respect, no walking on egg shells, no engaging pursuit/distance dance, etc.  The benefits are endless.
You are doing good! 
Her owning that it’s her issues and nothing to do with you is a big step.  Once you own the issues, you are on the right course, I figure.  In hindsight, that’s when my H truly started seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  I could see it was hard work for him to deal with the issues.  Silence from me was important, I think.  Just my 2 cents’ worth. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #62 on: April 15, 2019, 07:07:37 AM »
Thank you Thunder, Silver, Roo, and Acorn.
We have not had any R talks since January.  I don't plan on any unless she brings it up. I will just listen then. I've come too far to just give up Silver. I'm not leaving. I will agree to MC if she ask me . I will try all I can.
I will continue on with my life. I'm going to see how it goes.
I don't think I'll ever tell her , well if you don't do this??? I'm going to do that!!! I don't think that will help.
Acorn, I agree . She is seeing, and knows the game playing days are over. I think that's why she has changed.
Like Roo said. I think some of me is wanting an answer of why I guess. I'm trying to get past that too. I hooe the fat elephant just walks out of the room one day and I can let it go.
We talk all the time. We do have fun on the weekends. As H and W???? That part us still weird. We are more like good friends. I don't want a buddy. I want a wife. I've excepted my old W is never coming back, but a new one is ok. I'll take that.
I can tell S18 is weighing on her. She is trying. If she has a bad day. She will apologize.  By text the next day. Does she say why??? Nope. But I see that as change. It's just still exhausting to watch it.
I'm not done. I'm just gonna keep going with my life. I pray daily to give me strength to keep going. That's all I can do. If time comes and I run out??? Well I'll face that when it comes.


Offline Silver

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #63 on: April 15, 2019, 10:49:49 PM »
We have not had any R talks since January.  I don't plan on any unless she brings it up. I will just listen then. I've come too far to just give up Silver. I'm not leaving. I will agree to MC if she ask me . I will try all I can.
I will continue on with my life. I'm going to see how it goes.
I don't think I'll ever tell her , well if you don't do this??? I'm going to do that!!! I don't think that will help.

I agree buddy, you have been trough too much to give up. Glad to hear you saying that. No one has to wait forever but you are such a patient guy, you just might be one of the few standers that actually see them going trough the tunnel, all the way. Up to you as always but be careful with your timelines  ;)
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #64 on: April 16, 2019, 04:42:26 AM »
Thank you Silver
I've seen change for a week, even a month before. First thing I did was change too. All that was was her checking. As soon as I changed, she ran back. I do feel this time is different, but I'm not changing.  One very wise woman told me 6 months of consistent change is worth looking at. Until then, I'm staying as I am. I don't want to sound negative , I'm sure alot of people here are saying , what are you complaining about???? I wish my MLCer was being nice.
But I've had so many little fake come backs, it's going to take that whole 6 months for me to see it as real.
It's just not over till it's over.

Online Whyus

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #65 on: April 16, 2019, 06:02:44 AM »
You are doing the right Thing Helping, the last Thing you want to do is jump in head first only to be BDed again.

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is trying to get People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 20
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online One day at a time

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #66 on: April 16, 2019, 06:30:33 AM »
Take your time Helping. Slow and steady. You'll know when it's the right time to open the oven door to check if FB is fully cooked!  ;)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online gman242

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #67 on: April 16, 2019, 06:56:40 AM »
I'm sure alot of people here are saying , what are you complaining about???? I wish my MLCer was being nice.
But I've had so many little fake come backs, it's going to take that whole 6 months for me to see it as real.
It's just not over till it's over.

Mines always nice. You need to wait until you get something out of it that puts the MLCer at a disadvantage. That's truly giving without taking... I've seen it here and there, but nothing consistent. Anything else is for the MLCer, not matter how good it feels to you. That's a hard lesson to learn.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #68 on: April 16, 2019, 07:21:43 AM »
Thank you Whyus, One Day, and Gman.
Hard lesson it is. I've been thumped enough. I'm gonna keep it slow. Whyus, another BD would be bad, no doubt. The continuous little rejections have built up to feel as a BD. As long as we keep letting them, they will keep doing it. I'm finally seeing that.

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #69 on: April 16, 2019, 08:34:54 AM »
Quote
I'm sure alot of people here are saying , what are you complaining about???? I wish my MLCer was being nice.

Helping, I just want to pop in here for a minute and give my 2 cents worth here on this statement.  All of us on here come from different backgrounds, different relationships with our spouses and different ways of handeling things.  Don’t minimize your pain because you think it may not be as bad as others on here.  You have been through a lot, we all have been through a lot.  Some more than others but with the same theme of what we once had has been taken from us.  Just because your wife is being “nice” does not negate the fact that you are still feeling pain.  I feel the same way.

I hope you continue to share your journey.  I plan on continuing to share mine.  I think our stories show people that the road to reconnection is not all sunshine and rainbows paved with true remorse.  It is difficult and painful and sometimes takes everything we have to stay with it.  I question myself often if I’m doing the right thing. 

Just because our spouse are home does not mean they are really home.  Hang in there Helping, we are all on here to support each other. 

Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #70 on: April 16, 2019, 08:43:05 AM »
Wise words from Roo.
Living with the rollercoaster is not for sissies...I'm not sure I could have done it tbh.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #71 on: April 16, 2019, 09:08:40 AM »
Thank you Roo and Treasur.
I can assure you there are no rainbows. It's just like huge black storm cloud. It stormed yet!!! You see glimpses of sunshine through the cloud every now and then, but until the storm comes and the clouds open up, then maybe the rainbow will come.

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #72 on: April 16, 2019, 01:31:48 PM »
Yes you’ve not had it easy Help. You know that. In some ways it’s harder having them ‘nice’ now as if it was still bad it would be easier to give up. I find that myself. I’m trapped. If he was being horrible still it would be easier to walk away. But he’s ok so we carry on but it’s not ‘good’. You can’t live with it not being ‘good’ forever. Silvers MLCer is ‘bad’ so makes it easier in some ways (who’d have thought that Silver!).

It’s a tricky time, not as bad as it was - but not yet good.

Keep posting
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #73 on: April 17, 2019, 02:51:54 AM »
Thank you Rose
Definetly a tricky time. Not mean enough to hate them, not nice enough to love them. Just in limbo.
Have a good day my friends

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #74 on: April 17, 2019, 11:13:25 AM »
I think having a live-in MLCer is a million times more difficult that those of us with runners. We can escape their crazy but you have to learn to adapt to living with it with grace. I am not so sure I would be able to do that well, even at the almost 3 year mark. You are amazing my friend.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Disillusioned

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #75 on: April 17, 2019, 01:58:06 PM »
I left mine after a year.  I didn't want D7 (now D8) being subjected to the crazy that was going on in that house.  My MLCW said things to me I'm never going to forget.  It took a year after BD to start to feel strong enough to deal with it in the house, but I was barely out of the house 3 months before I flipped the script on her and started asking for the D.  I've been out a year and a month and I've asked her to get the D 5 or 6 times.  We've been to two mediations in the year, and one was before I moved out.  I don't think she's sure if she wants it anymore, but guess what?  The LBS always decides in the end! 

But yes.  It takes a special strength of character and will to live with one.  Anyone who can do it has my respect and empathy.  I do believe I would have waited mine out if it wasn't for my D7.  The crazy was starting to bleed over into her life, though, and I wasn't going to be responsible for damage to her just because I "knew" it was right to stay in the house.  It is what it is. 

M=50
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #76 on: April 18, 2019, 03:52:45 AM »
Dis
My boys are older and they don't know anything their mom has done. I have hid it all. So that to me, did make it easier. JMO.  If my boys were younger or knew any of it. I mist likely would have not made it.

Online PJ Ames

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #77 on: April 18, 2019, 02:50:34 PM »
Catching up Helping after being offline for a while. Yep, it's definitely a tricky time. My kids don't know either. They would be shocked if they knew. Blindsided.

I know I feel a lot of pressure to be supportive, positive and to not pressure my W. It's not easy.

You're doing great.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #78 on: April 21, 2019, 07:29:24 AM »
Hello PJ.  My boys looked at their momma like a super hero. It would have and still would , if they found out. Just devastate them. Anytime they mentioned anything I just said it was female issues , menopause, stress. S21 even ask if it had anything to do with him graduating?? I just said a little.  She will get past it. That wasn't all a lie.

I woke up this morning to 3 Easter bags. Yes, I said 3. One for s18, s21, and me. Blow me down.  I haven't got an Happy Easter out of her mouth, but the gift is good enough for me.  S21 told me that she told him yesterday he better be home today that she was cooking . S18 got same message. They are both here. Hopefully this Easter Sunday is a good one. We will see.
Happy Easter my friends

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #79 on: April 21, 2019, 10:51:06 AM »
Oh yea that sounds like a potentially nice Easter Sunday. You deserve it so hope she keeps going!

Happy Easter Buddy!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - Sept 2016 and BD2 - May 2017
ILYBINILWY - June 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA until ?
Left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online PJ Ames

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #80 on: April 21, 2019, 10:14:48 PM »
Happy Easter to you Helping!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #81 on: April 22, 2019, 04:36:44 AM »
Thank You Rose and PJ.  Easter was good. S21 and S18 were home moat of the day. W cooked and we just relaxed around the house. S18 GF was here also. S21 headed back to work and S18 and GF left and it was just us. W wanted to watch a movie.  This is a new thing lately.  So it was a  peaceful day.
Have a wonderful week my friends.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #82 on: April 22, 2019, 05:37:00 AM »
Slowly but surely your W is moving forward! 

So it was a  peaceful day.

What a statement, Helping!
Thing is, you played your part in making your day peaceful. 
Don’t you ever forget that. 
Feb 2015: BD 1. H has a Nuclear meltdown.  The next morning arctic cold descends.
Oct 2015: BD 2,  ILYBIANILWY. “We should not have gotten married.”
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Never left home
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #83 on: April 22, 2019, 06:54:44 AM »
Thank You Acorn. I think main thing to a peaceful day is what make of it. It's up to us. The more I go and do things. The more she wants to be involved.  It's took a long time to get there. On my days off I get up and going. She will either join in or she stays. That is up to her. It was a beautiful day here yesterday.  W said if boat was ready we cd go for a ride.
Well I will get it out this week. I will see if she wants to go.
I think if we can stay on solid ground past Anniversary and S18 graduation next month, things will be better.
I'm not in a hurry for S18 to leave, and I know he's not going anywhere soon, but I'm ready for graduation to be over.
Just another thing to get past in this mess.

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #84 on: April 23, 2019, 04:53:18 AM »
Just checking back in on you and the fruit bat. Glad to see that things are still moving in a good direction.

Happy you got a nice Easter. You deserve it. :)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Helpingme!Topic starter

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Re: Helping Me in this MLC 6
« Reply #85 on: April 23, 2019, 05:06:46 AM »
Thank You Morte. Just rolling along the best I can. Nothing we can do really but let them spin in the wind.

 

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