Author Topic: My Story Babe Gets Real  (Read 1297 times)

Offline Anjae

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My Story Re: Babe Gets Real
« Reply #10 on: February 10, 2019, 01:22:22 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Treasur.

I almost feel like newbies need the "You have just experienced a major shock to your mental and physical health. The next few months to several years are going to be difficult to navigate. Here is what I did that worked for me to get me back on an even keel and here is what didn't work. Your mileage may vary" from every LBS.

Think it is a good idea of what to tell newbies.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Evermore

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Re: Babe Gets Real
« Reply #11 on: February 10, 2019, 02:04:31 PM »
Attaching

Always enjoy and learn from discussions on your thread dear Treasur.
M: 48
H: 51
Married 19yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Babe Gets Real
« Reply #12 on: February 10, 2019, 02:49:09 PM »
Attaching Treasur. Wouldn't miss your new thread. I also always learn from you.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on PTSD. I read a book called "Transcending Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD): The Six Stages of Healing" by Dennis C. Ortman. It was pretty helpful for me. It may be worth checking out for anyone who is struggling with PTSD-like symptoms of their partner's infidelity.

Happy Valentine's Day Treasur! You deserve a great day. Thanks for being you.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Babe Gets Real
« Reply #13 on: February 10, 2019, 03:05:32 PM »
Your threads are such a nice place to hang out Treasur.  They feel safe because they feel Real and full of Babe like courage and hope.

I think the way you are making peace and friends with Lucy (your reptilian brain) is wonderful and shows the rest of us the way toward forgiving our struggles.  The things that we did, thought and said (or didn't) after BD were the best we could do at the time and if the brain responded by freezing, fighting or fleeing then that's what it needed to do to, as you say, "spank the bottom of suicidal and overwhelmed". We all have joy and genius on board but it takes a while to find it.

I like Offroad's take on GAL too.  I agree that many of us pull up seriously short when someone tells us to love ourselves. Just clueless.  Many of us would think that loving ourselves is getting the person who loves us back as quick as possible.  I'd like to see a "open in cases of emergency" thread or sticky too.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Babe Gets Real
« Reply #14 on: February 10, 2019, 04:59:54 PM »
Attaching.  Like xyzcf yellow roses were also my wedding flower.  A bit of honoring the way that my H and I's relationship started, with a 7 year friendship.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Babe Gets Real
« Reply #15 on: February 11, 2019, 01:20:24 AM »
It is rather lovely to see how yellow roses seem to be a happy thing for a lot of people. It reminded me - and I had forgotten - that yellow roses were my grandmother's favourite too. In their small house by the docks with a mostly concrete yard, there was a little cut out bit of soil where my grandfather planted a yellow climbing rose for her. I don't remember any other flowers, neither of them were gardeners, but I suddenly remembered this rose this morning, bright yellow with a slight reddish tinge on the edge of the petals. And my grandmother's face and the smell of her perfume, Coty L'Aimant, and how much she loved me as a child. My parents used to tell her off for giving me chocolate when she was babysitting me...so she changed to white chocolate to hide the evidence lol. So my gift this morning was a flashback of yellow roses, white chocolate, the smell of hugging her and the sound of Bing Crosby and Sinatra singing in the background with her singing along. That's a nice gift isn't it?

Nice to have a surprise memory pop up which is a smily one.

I am noticing more of my memories popping up now as my brain is obviously restoring to more normal settings. Some nice ones, some less so, but none with that sledgehammer feeling. There are survival payoffs to numbness and disassociation, but in a weird way, I think you become almost afraid of looking at your own life history. Your own life becomes something that will bite you or something you just can't figure out and it hurts to try. Not being able to access some of it for a while is probably like being in an induced coma while your body heals from a serious accident...like Denial with go faster stripes...but it is hard to find a new path when you are unhooked somehow from who you were and how you got here. The right now Real can be a safe place to be but you are kind of orphaned with no past you can feel and no future you can touch either.

I am grateful to no longer be where I was and continually surprised as I wake up to see just how shut down I truly was. It has been an education for sure. I have even wondered if it is a small window into my former h's head and if there are similarities in the shut down and any reawakening. Idk, will never know probably, but some posts here of things shared by MLCers on their way 'out' do sound a bit familiar. What an extraordinary thing the brain is and how little we still understand about mental and emotional health.

Part of my Real does mean looking at things that are not easy to look at, but still Real as far as I can see from the information I have. It is so much easier to accept painful things that seem like acts of fate, that obviously aren't about me...my father's death, my mother's dementia, my past illness. Sorrow and frustration maybe, but I don't have to forgive myself, anyone else or make sense of them in order to accept them. There is no missing puzzle piece or feeling of being less or foolish or attacked by them. In a sense, the challenge is just about acceptance with some modicum of grace and appreciation for what or who you lost. Perhaps that is why so many of us feel it would have been easier if our spouses had just died.

I've got quite competent now at acceptance...at least a passing grade anyway lol.

And any Real that is about now and next is easier too, like a deposit in a savings account for sunnier days. It didn't used to feel that way before EMDR...the Now was either a painful smack in the face that it was not the Now i Ordered or it was a distraction to avoid Real. So that is a gift to be appreciated too.

The tricky bits are still there in the old Real and the Real effect of them. They are Real and I so don't want them to be and I still don't 'get' some of them, but I have to look at them for long enough to be able to take them out of my rucksack if that makes sense. Because they are too heavy and sharp to keep carrying with me. Most of those are related to my h and my life with him and my choices about him. What was Real and how it became an Other Real. Some still make me gulp a bit, but my little brave Babe piglet knows that it is time to start putting some of them down.

 I shall never comprehend that my h - who I know Really loved me and valued me so much before - has chosen a life without my face in it and with no tangible sign I can see of regret, loss or even a need to say goodbye. I can't know the Why but the What is Real and it is deeply painful to accept. Hating that it is Real does not change it. And of course it feels entirely personal to be discarded as if I am/was nothing to him now. Still Real but not an easy Real to swallow without some self-criticism or regret or anger or hurt or bewilderment. But Real based on the facts available to me for the last couple of years and available to me now. Hoping for something not Real was a self-sabotaging thing for me. It led me to either avoid it or flail around like a fish on an unacceptable hook. But it was/is Real now and I can't put it behind me until I accept it in a way that allows me to Feel it as well as Think it.

EMDR is helping me to do that in a way which makes the pain and self-judgment around it less sharp but it is still deeply painful and not at all what I want to see as Real. It helps me deal with all the admin rubble I have avoided because it represented the black and white of Real....and some of that has added to the mess and uncertainty of my own present. But Babe knows I can't grow yellow roses with my eyes closed or carrying useless rocks  :)
« Last Edit: February 11, 2019, 01:36:09 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Babe Gets Real
« Reply #16 on: February 11, 2019, 03:53:13 AM »
DROP those rocks!



Bombs away!
Me - 55
MLC - 47
Together 20 years - Married for 17 at separation
S - 11
D - 8
2 Canines (each of us has one)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold and separated - March 2016
Mid-Lifer has filed for D

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Babe Gets Real
« Reply #17 on: February 11, 2019, 05:05:39 AM »
 :)
I am also very proud of my choice, and consistency in sticking with Atomic NC. It was not what my heart wanted to accept as necessary, but I am proud of my head saying it was and doing it. Over 6 months now.

 A few posts here and a couple on DB (one from a jewel of a woman called Vanilla) serve to remind me that being gaslit, ignored, stolen from and threatened IS abuse. And no one should tolerate or excuse it. And sad as it is to accept that someone you love is now capable of such awful things, and no matter how others in RL ignore or excuse it,  there is no space in a good life of yellow roses for abuse.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Babe Gets Real
« Reply #18 on: February 11, 2019, 05:09:29 AM »
Attaching Treasur.. You always make me reflect and you make me very aware of the fact that the memories of my previous life with my H feel very distant and disconnected from my life now. I know I was married, I had a loving H, etc.. but the memories of it all are buried somewhere and I still don't feel ready to go dig.. Mainly because right now I feel pretty OK, like I have a handle on things if you know what I mean... But I'm worried this will come back and bite me at some point.. A bit like the questions OffRoad posted..

Anyway, following your journey.  :)
H - 41 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.

Trying very hard to let go...

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Babe Gets Real
« Reply #19 on: February 11, 2019, 05:37:28 AM »
Thank you, one day.
I think the fading feeling is part of the survival process too. With time, the pieces move around and fall into place I suspect.

I just wanted to add on the abuse issue bc I think many of us shrug our shoulders, call it Monster and slowly adjust like a boiled frog to things we would have found unacceptable before and would see as unacceptable for others we care about.

I still remember the out of body shocked feeling when I read the anonymous death threat.
And that I was even more shocked by my then h's lack of response or emotion.
And even more shocked when I had the sensible conversations with my L and a Domestic Abuse Advisor to realise that this was Real, that this was my life, that this was happening to ME and that my h had Really responded as he did. (This will be my last bit of EMDR work lol). I was beyond numb. It took me about 6 months, and one bizarre f2f meeting with my shark-eyed cold h to really get just how Real it was. In a funny way, the Realness of it and the Realness of how unmoved my h, his psychiatrist and his aunt were (by contrast to my own instinct, the reactions of the domestic abuse team and a couple of my friends) was more scary than the threats if that makes sense.

I have no idea how my previously rather gentle and unaggressive h became an abuser, just that he did. That somehow he was simply full of rage and resentment and contempt towards me and saw it as nothing of consequence. Either to get what he wanted or just to feel a sense of control or power.
I actually wrote him a short note some months later when I had refused his request to meet saying that it was bullying and abusive behaviour, that he had become his father, that I was sad and shocked to have to accept it was Real, that I would keep myself safe so no meting and hoped he would get the help he needed bc this was not the man he had been for 18 years and I found it hard to believe it was the kind of man he wanted to be.
His response? Nothing.
To this day over 2 years later, he has never apologised or acknowledged his abusive behaviour in any way. At least to me. Which makes it likely that he still sees it as justifiable or unimportant.
It wasn't.

Part of my Real...just as Real as the h I knew for whom this kind of behaviour was inconceivable to everyone who knew him...is that my marriage ended with threats, abuse and fear. I don't like the story of 'well, my h had a breakdown, lost his mind and turned into an angry abusive man who wanted to destroy me to get a new life' any more than I like the 'I turned into a frightened abused traumatised wreck of a woman who couldn't cope with the basics of life unti, I got PTSD treatment, went NC  and grew roses'. But both are part of what was Real much as I wish it were not so.
« Last Edit: February 11, 2019, 05:46:13 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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