Author Topic: My Story Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence  (Read 2312 times)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1407
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
My Story Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« on: February 10, 2019, 10:33:52 AM »
Old Thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10474.0;all

Brief Overview:

10/29/17  BD Moved out before I got home.  Living with OW
3/1/18  OW sold her house and moved out of State
3/5/18  H returns from moving OW and moves in with long time female friend
3/19/18  H moves home  Can't stand living with friend  Their friendship is over.  No communication since. Friend told me that they had an argument over money.  H told me that F expected too much out of him so he told her it was over money and he was moving home where it was free to live.
7/14/18  H moves to another State to be with OW.  When he is done with her, he is gonna go to Texas to make money in the oil fields then maybe to live with son in Arizona.  Quit job and moved.  Very important to take mower and motorcycle with him as well as about 20 totes of clothes (most he doesn't wear anymore and some belonged to son when he was in college)
9/4/18  H moves home and moves in with parents.  Told no one he was doing this expect parents and sister.
11/1/18  H is only living at parents house sporadically.  Sleeping elsewhere.  Rumors that OW is in town.  Nothing confirmed.
12/2018  Confirmed that OW is living back in the area.  H is spending Christmas Day with her is what he told BIL and my sister.  I was invited to In Laws Anniversary Celebration and all H's stuff still in the bedroom at the house and stored on the porch.
Jan 2019:  H tells D, BIL and my sister that he moved into his sister's house and is helping to take care of her property.  Said he moved all his stuff up there.

Feb 2019:  Time for a new thread. 

So I am still solo in my life.  Not single.  Married but living alone and thriving alone for now.  My title...Trying to Avoid Turbulence.  Maybe I just jinxed myself but H has been on a pretty even keel since before the holidays. I know things will change but i don't have to be on his plane when it is burning and crashing.  So, I am just cruising alone and doing my best to avoid any drama at all but especially anything having to do with his crisis.  He is being friendly and cordial and respectful when he is around me but other than that....I feel more and more like I am a thorn in his side.

Stops by daily to put my dogs out Mon thru Fri.  Will even do it on days I can come home to do it.  Says he loves the dogs yet when he comes by he gives them little attention.

Still helps doing things around the house.  Always puts my garbage and recycling cans away and looks for jobs but we are pretty much out of them until spring hits now.  Tells me to let him know anytime I need his help.  He wants me to call on him for assistance, yet he avoids me most days.

He sends snaps out multiple times a week but seldom calls.  Won't stop by the house when I am here alone unless there is something to be done.  He will come by the house for family gatherings and pretty much asks fairly normal.  Talks to everyone vs last year at the holidays when he either totally avoided or came and just sat and played on phone.

Recently I have discovered that he is branching out and calling/talking/texting other woman besides the OW.  These are not people he was close with prior to MLC.  I read that when they start to get "bored" with the OW, they begin to "cheat" on them for the thrill.  Wonderful.  Good thing is that these people don't appear to be local and thus far it is just calling/texing/talking.  I pray it goes no further than that.  The other woman is our age, a classmate and on her 2nd marriage.  She has a career, kids and grandkids and I really hate to see another families lives blown up due to MLC.  Not in my control but I still hate to see that pain injected into another family!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

So right now H and SIL are on a trip planned for SIL and BIL before he died.  H is using the tickets and they are visiting S.  Yesterday H snapped me puppy pics and told me we have a new grand puppy.  He is cute as the d!ckens.  Never met any puppy that wasn't.  Later I got a pic of H holding puppy.  There is NO smile on his face and not even a flicker of happiness in his eyes.  Sad cuz most everyone loves puppies and they have a way of making everyone smile and share in the joy of puppiness.  I can't say it is a bad pic of him.  I have seen worse.  There is just no hint of happiness.  It is a stoic face but not like the ones you get for your driver's license where they tell you NOT to smile.  It is back to the eyes and the entire face bearing nothing at all.  Not happy..not love...no excitement...not even anger. If you cover up his eyes and can't see them, then it looks like a military pic but the eyes just lack luster...lack life.  It is just a face and it is sad that even a puppy can't bring out happiness for a few moments.  Can't even fake a smile.  Very sad.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline strawberry

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 320
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2019, 10:37:12 AM »
Following along Sam.
H: 43
M: 44
M: 2003, T: 2001, Friends: 1996
No kids
2 dogs, 2 cats
BD1 (Summer 2014) "We aren't happy, I should move out, we should divorce"  Nothing happened.
Nov 2014 we moved across the country for H's job
BD2 (July 2015) "I'm not happy.  I want a divorce"  H moves out for 2 weeks.
BD3 (Nov 2017) H takes a new job 2 hours away and moves out.
BD4 (September 2018) OW2 discovered despite claims there has never been one.  She outs MOW1 and discloses that H filed for Divorce, but has not served me.  OW2 dumps him.
Currently "dating" to see if we have anything to salvage.  Divorce on hold (unofficially).

Offline FaithWalker

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2298
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2019, 08:32:46 PM »
Attaching

Loved reading your letter to your H.
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Online One day at a time

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 865
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2019, 01:36:32 AM »
Silent follower of your thread here.. I decided to pop in and say Hi!!  :) Following your journey
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8505
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2019, 05:18:13 AM »
the Mid-Lifers life is not all glitter clouds, unicorns and rainbows, is it.....
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2846
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2019, 08:08:23 AM »
Hopping on the train, Sam!
So, he is branching out, eh?!  Sounds like he is sinking deeper into the replay muck. 
And, yep, you are right in that you can’t do a thing about it. 
Not checking on anything that MLCer does seem to be the best way to focus on ourselves and our lives.  Those pesky snaps do keep you looped into his life, though.  I guess you have no choice but put up with them. 
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1407
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2019, 07:33:30 AM »
Strawberry:  Glad to have you along.  I don't comment much on your thread but I still follow you and try to keep up as much as possible

Faith:  I am glad I wrote the letter.  Let me get some stuff of my chest so to say!  Thanks for joining my journey!

One Day:  Glad you popped in and said Hi!  I am also one of your silent lurkers!  Funny!

UM:  Fantasy Land sound more like being caught in Ground Hog Day the Movie.  Just can't escapes the dreariness!  Same $h!te Storm over and over and over!

Acorn:  Replay Muck is getting deeper!  Time for him to sink or trudge out of it.  His choice!  As for the snaps....they are not bothersome.  I see it this way:  He is doing his best to avoid me...put me out of his life cuz I make him so miserable, yet he can't stop thinking about me and certain things are bringing me to mind and he is sharing them through snap.  The good thing is the snaps are usually related to something that was good.  Road trips...cabin trips, etc.  I don't let them bring me down, but I don't read anything into them either.  He has to go deeper into the muck so he can finish his journey...right!?!  He is no longer my problem.  I finally know how to turn him over to God and let God take care of him.  Took awhile but better late than never!


Update:  Last night I got a call from H after I texted him regarding a financial matter.  Told him I had it taken care of for this month and when h gets back, we can decide how to best handle it.  Nothing major but he quit paying a bill for Sirius radio and they contacted me to continue.  I didn't want it unless he was willing to pay half.  I hardly ever use it which is why he pays for it.  He wants it for his work truck.

He ended up calling me and told me what he wanted to do with Sirius.  Had some questions I couldn't answer.  We both decided that I would pay this month and then when he gets back he can look into what he wants and I can decide what I want and we would come to an agreement on who was paying what based on our use overall. Good deal!

From there he went on to tell me about the Grand Puppy.  The trip to see S.  DIL being sick.  Talked a bit about things from our previous trips.  Told me about new things he went to see.  Told me what I should go see if I ever get to certain areas out there.  Told him my plans to see different things.  Filled me in on their itinerary for the rest of the week too.  Wow!

He had me on speaker with SIL in the background.  So we all talked for about 45 minutes.  Then they decided they were hungry.  Wished them well and they took off and I went to bed.


I enjoyed the convo because although he was telling me things I should do in the future when I visit and the visit did not include him, there was excitement to his voice.  There was some happiness and it was good to hear.  Weird how the last two days there was no happiness in the pics posted but he was his "near normal" self last night.  It was nice.

I know it won't last.  That is ok.  I enjoyed the moments of a reprieve where he was cordial and talked like we have in the past.  Today it is back to business as usual for me.

Working from home today.  Just finished up cleaning sidewalks at offices and clearing In Laws driveway and my drive way.  Now time to buckle down and do some work that puts money in my pocket.  Have some trips to save up for in the future!

Take care and those facing snow and ice today!  Stay safe!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Rosetintedglasses

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 881
  • Gender: Female
Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2019, 01:30:24 PM »
I’m here!

Rushing off but wouldn’t miss your thread! You are so positive and honest, it’s lovely to be a part of.

Rose 🌹

Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2181
  • Gender: Male
Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2019, 01:55:16 PM »
Following along.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 1407
  • Gender: Female
  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #9 on: February 17, 2019, 04:58:15 PM »
Rose and Helping!

Honored to have you both along on my journey!

TIME:  From BD, we have been told TIME.  Give everything time!

Recently TIME is an issue.  Not too much of it!  Not enough!

I have been so busy!  I hardly get to think about mlc or what my H is up to.  I still think about H.  I have memories.  So many more that give me smiles than frowns!

More and more, my focus is turning to me.  To my family.  To my career.  To the Tax Documents sitting in front of me that are not doing themselves.  To my needs to continue to fulfill myself in so many ways.  Physically, mentally and spiritually!  My focus is just naturally going where it needs to go.

This is not like when I was told to GAL.  This is life being life and things just falling into place.

Sadly, this means that I am also spending less time on this site.  Less time reading stories.  Less time with my journal.  However, I also have less and less to report.

I remember 13 mos ago, wasting hours a day just reading all the stories on here I could find.  This place was a life line for so long.  Now it is a happy place.  A place to come and follow up on stories that are near and dear to me.  I look for positives actions from people (not the MLCer) but the LBS.  I look for those that are struggling but trying and not curling up and dying and I look for those who MLCer may potentially be on the cusp of a few more steps closer to reconnecting and/or better yet....rebuilding of a marriage.  I also look for those that have been on the other side and did time as an MLCer.  Their stories bring so much education if you take the time to read them and understand.

It is these stories which helped to get me to the place of forgiveness and empathy for my H.   I fully understand he has control and is turning his back on me...his kids and at one time his parents.  I know he is making a choice to stay with OW(s) vs returning home.  I also understand that he is fighting a pain that I would never want to go through and I do not envy his position.

I still hope for a restored marriage someday.  I want my H back into my life and the life of my children.  I want a loving caring man who is willing to walk beside be again one day and together we will tackle ALL that comes out way.  I choose to stand because I know that man exists.  I spent over 30 years with him.  He may not be perfect....but he is worth standing for.

So...I will try to keep up as much as possible.  I will update on myself when I am able.  Right now I want you all to know that I am not disappearing as so many seem to do.  I just have to place my focus where it does the most for me right now.

I no longer have hours a day or even hours a week to come here...but I will come back several times a week and I'll stay up to date on those that are near and dear to me and Pray that all of us have the outcome we desire.  To some that is reconnecting...to others it is moving on....to others it just means being able to function.  Whatever your need is right now....this is a great place to be for support!   Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and together we will all get through MLC together!

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.