Author Topic: My Story Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence  (Read 2315 times)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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My Story Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« on: February 10, 2019, 10:33:52 AM »
Old Thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10474.0;all

Brief Overview:

10/29/17  BD Moved out before I got home.  Living with OW
3/1/18  OW sold her house and moved out of State
3/5/18  H returns from moving OW and moves in with long time female friend
3/19/18  H moves home  Can't stand living with friend  Their friendship is over.  No communication since. Friend told me that they had an argument over money.  H told me that F expected too much out of him so he told her it was over money and he was moving home where it was free to live.
7/14/18  H moves to another State to be with OW.  When he is done with her, he is gonna go to Texas to make money in the oil fields then maybe to live with son in Arizona.  Quit job and moved.  Very important to take mower and motorcycle with him as well as about 20 totes of clothes (most he doesn't wear anymore and some belonged to son when he was in college)
9/4/18  H moves home and moves in with parents.  Told no one he was doing this expect parents and sister.
11/1/18  H is only living at parents house sporadically.  Sleeping elsewhere.  Rumors that OW is in town.  Nothing confirmed.
12/2018  Confirmed that OW is living back in the area.  H is spending Christmas Day with her is what he told BIL and my sister.  I was invited to In Laws Anniversary Celebration and all H's stuff still in the bedroom at the house and stored on the porch.
Jan 2019:  H tells D, BIL and my sister that he moved into his sister's house and is helping to take care of her property.  Said he moved all his stuff up there.

Feb 2019:  Time for a new thread. 

So I am still solo in my life.  Not single.  Married but living alone and thriving alone for now.  My title...Trying to Avoid Turbulence.  Maybe I just jinxed myself but H has been on a pretty even keel since before the holidays. I know things will change but i don't have to be on his plane when it is burning and crashing.  So, I am just cruising alone and doing my best to avoid any drama at all but especially anything having to do with his crisis.  He is being friendly and cordial and respectful when he is around me but other than that....I feel more and more like I am a thorn in his side.

Stops by daily to put my dogs out Mon thru Fri.  Will even do it on days I can come home to do it.  Says he loves the dogs yet when he comes by he gives them little attention.

Still helps doing things around the house.  Always puts my garbage and recycling cans away and looks for jobs but we are pretty much out of them until spring hits now.  Tells me to let him know anytime I need his help.  He wants me to call on him for assistance, yet he avoids me most days.

He sends snaps out multiple times a week but seldom calls.  Won't stop by the house when I am here alone unless there is something to be done.  He will come by the house for family gatherings and pretty much asks fairly normal.  Talks to everyone vs last year at the holidays when he either totally avoided or came and just sat and played on phone.

Recently I have discovered that he is branching out and calling/talking/texting other woman besides the OW.  These are not people he was close with prior to MLC.  I read that when they start to get "bored" with the OW, they begin to "cheat" on them for the thrill.  Wonderful.  Good thing is that these people don't appear to be local and thus far it is just calling/texing/talking.  I pray it goes no further than that.  The other woman is our age, a classmate and on her 2nd marriage.  She has a career, kids and grandkids and I really hate to see another families lives blown up due to MLC.  Not in my control but I still hate to see that pain injected into another family!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

So right now H and SIL are on a trip planned for SIL and BIL before he died.  H is using the tickets and they are visiting S.  Yesterday H snapped me puppy pics and told me we have a new grand puppy.  He is cute as the d!ckens.  Never met any puppy that wasn't.  Later I got a pic of H holding puppy.  There is NO smile on his face and not even a flicker of happiness in his eyes.  Sad cuz most everyone loves puppies and they have a way of making everyone smile and share in the joy of puppiness.  I can't say it is a bad pic of him.  I have seen worse.  There is just no hint of happiness.  It is a stoic face but not like the ones you get for your driver's license where they tell you NOT to smile.  It is back to the eyes and the entire face bearing nothing at all.  Not happy..not love...no excitement...not even anger. If you cover up his eyes and can't see them, then it looks like a military pic but the eyes just lack luster...lack life.  It is just a face and it is sad that even a puppy can't bring out happiness for a few moments.  Can't even fake a smile.  Very sad.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline strawberry

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #1 on: February 10, 2019, 10:37:12 AM »
Following along Sam.
H: 43
M: 44
M: 2003, T: 2001, Friends: 1996
No kids
2 dogs, 2 cats
BD1 (Summer 2014) "We aren't happy, I should move out, we should divorce"  Nothing happened.
Nov 2014 we moved across the country for H's job
BD2 (July 2015) "I'm not happy.  I want a divorce"  H moves out for 2 weeks.
BD3 (Nov 2017) H takes a new job 2 hours away and moves out.
BD4 (September 2018) OW2 discovered despite claims there has never been one.  She outs MOW1 and discloses that H filed for Divorce, but has not served me.  OW2 dumps him.
Currently "dating" to see if we have anything to salvage.  Divorce on hold (unofficially).

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #2 on: February 10, 2019, 08:32:46 PM »
Attaching

Loved reading your letter to your H.
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #3 on: February 11, 2019, 01:36:32 AM »
Silent follower of your thread here.. I decided to pop in and say Hi!!  :) Following your journey
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #4 on: February 11, 2019, 05:18:13 AM »
the Mid-Lifers life is not all glitter clouds, unicorns and rainbows, is it.....
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #5 on: February 11, 2019, 08:08:23 AM »
Hopping on the train, Sam!
So, he is branching out, eh?!  Sounds like he is sinking deeper into the replay muck. 
And, yep, you are right in that you can’t do a thing about it. 
Not checking on anything that MLCer does seem to be the best way to focus on ourselves and our lives.  Those pesky snaps do keep you looped into his life, though.  I guess you have no choice but put up with them. 
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #6 on: February 12, 2019, 07:33:30 AM »
Strawberry:  Glad to have you along.  I don't comment much on your thread but I still follow you and try to keep up as much as possible

Faith:  I am glad I wrote the letter.  Let me get some stuff of my chest so to say!  Thanks for joining my journey!

One Day:  Glad you popped in and said Hi!  I am also one of your silent lurkers!  Funny!

UM:  Fantasy Land sound more like being caught in Ground Hog Day the Movie.  Just can't escapes the dreariness!  Same $h!te Storm over and over and over!

Acorn:  Replay Muck is getting deeper!  Time for him to sink or trudge out of it.  His choice!  As for the snaps....they are not bothersome.  I see it this way:  He is doing his best to avoid me...put me out of his life cuz I make him so miserable, yet he can't stop thinking about me and certain things are bringing me to mind and he is sharing them through snap.  The good thing is the snaps are usually related to something that was good.  Road trips...cabin trips, etc.  I don't let them bring me down, but I don't read anything into them either.  He has to go deeper into the muck so he can finish his journey...right!?!  He is no longer my problem.  I finally know how to turn him over to God and let God take care of him.  Took awhile but better late than never!


Update:  Last night I got a call from H after I texted him regarding a financial matter.  Told him I had it taken care of for this month and when h gets back, we can decide how to best handle it.  Nothing major but he quit paying a bill for Sirius radio and they contacted me to continue.  I didn't want it unless he was willing to pay half.  I hardly ever use it which is why he pays for it.  He wants it for his work truck.

He ended up calling me and told me what he wanted to do with Sirius.  Had some questions I couldn't answer.  We both decided that I would pay this month and then when he gets back he can look into what he wants and I can decide what I want and we would come to an agreement on who was paying what based on our use overall. Good deal!

From there he went on to tell me about the Grand Puppy.  The trip to see S.  DIL being sick.  Talked a bit about things from our previous trips.  Told me about new things he went to see.  Told me what I should go see if I ever get to certain areas out there.  Told him my plans to see different things.  Filled me in on their itinerary for the rest of the week too.  Wow!

He had me on speaker with SIL in the background.  So we all talked for about 45 minutes.  Then they decided they were hungry.  Wished them well and they took off and I went to bed.


I enjoyed the convo because although he was telling me things I should do in the future when I visit and the visit did not include him, there was excitement to his voice.  There was some happiness and it was good to hear.  Weird how the last two days there was no happiness in the pics posted but he was his "near normal" self last night.  It was nice.

I know it won't last.  That is ok.  I enjoyed the moments of a reprieve where he was cordial and talked like we have in the past.  Today it is back to business as usual for me.

Working from home today.  Just finished up cleaning sidewalks at offices and clearing In Laws driveway and my drive way.  Now time to buckle down and do some work that puts money in my pocket.  Have some trips to save up for in the future!

Take care and those facing snow and ice today!  Stay safe!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #7 on: February 13, 2019, 01:30:24 PM »
I’m here!

Rushing off but wouldn’t miss your thread! You are so positive and honest, it’s lovely to be a part of.

Rose 🌹

Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #8 on: February 13, 2019, 01:55:16 PM »
Following along.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #9 on: February 17, 2019, 04:58:15 PM »
Rose and Helping!

Honored to have you both along on my journey!

TIME:  From BD, we have been told TIME.  Give everything time!

Recently TIME is an issue.  Not too much of it!  Not enough!

I have been so busy!  I hardly get to think about mlc or what my H is up to.  I still think about H.  I have memories.  So many more that give me smiles than frowns!

More and more, my focus is turning to me.  To my family.  To my career.  To the Tax Documents sitting in front of me that are not doing themselves.  To my needs to continue to fulfill myself in so many ways.  Physically, mentally and spiritually!  My focus is just naturally going where it needs to go.

This is not like when I was told to GAL.  This is life being life and things just falling into place.

Sadly, this means that I am also spending less time on this site.  Less time reading stories.  Less time with my journal.  However, I also have less and less to report.

I remember 13 mos ago, wasting hours a day just reading all the stories on here I could find.  This place was a life line for so long.  Now it is a happy place.  A place to come and follow up on stories that are near and dear to me.  I look for positives actions from people (not the MLCer) but the LBS.  I look for those that are struggling but trying and not curling up and dying and I look for those who MLCer may potentially be on the cusp of a few more steps closer to reconnecting and/or better yet....rebuilding of a marriage.  I also look for those that have been on the other side and did time as an MLCer.  Their stories bring so much education if you take the time to read them and understand.

It is these stories which helped to get me to the place of forgiveness and empathy for my H.   I fully understand he has control and is turning his back on me...his kids and at one time his parents.  I know he is making a choice to stay with OW(s) vs returning home.  I also understand that he is fighting a pain that I would never want to go through and I do not envy his position.

I still hope for a restored marriage someday.  I want my H back into my life and the life of my children.  I want a loving caring man who is willing to walk beside be again one day and together we will tackle ALL that comes out way.  I choose to stand because I know that man exists.  I spent over 30 years with him.  He may not be perfect....but he is worth standing for.

So...I will try to keep up as much as possible.  I will update on myself when I am able.  Right now I want you all to know that I am not disappearing as so many seem to do.  I just have to place my focus where it does the most for me right now.

I no longer have hours a day or even hours a week to come here...but I will come back several times a week and I'll stay up to date on those that are near and dear to me and Pray that all of us have the outcome we desire.  To some that is reconnecting...to others it is moving on....to others it just means being able to function.  Whatever your need is right now....this is a great place to be for support!   Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and together we will all get through MLC together!

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #10 on: February 18, 2019, 07:35:31 AM »
Good for you keeping so busy. There will be no bitter and twisted woman waiting on H if he decides to pop by!

FWIW I dont think the hours spent reading stories were so much wasted as invested. That time spent gave you the strength you have now.

Always look forward to your updates, whatever & whenever they may be!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #11 on: February 20, 2019, 12:38:40 PM »
Rose...bitter and twisted never.   I don't want that for me.  It would be so easy to hold hatred and anger and revenge but it will only hurt me in the end.  I don't want to be that person for anyone ever!

So some updates from the last few days:

Saturday:  H stopped by unexpected.  I was in bed resting from a head cold.  He waited for me to get dressed and come out to the kitchen.  We sat and talked for nearly 40 mins.  He told me about his vacation and what he would do differently and of course told me what I should and shouldn't do when I go out.  We talked about the Sirius radio changes that we talked about while he was on vacation.  He told me he would stop by on Sunday if it worked with his schedule and if it didn't he would be in touch sometime.

Sunday:  Crickets

Monday:  I get a text that he didn't know who was to let the dogs out.  Asked him if he wanted to do it or not.  He sent me back a confusing message that seemed like he didn't want to do it yet he said he would.  So I called him as I didn't have time to kittyfoot around.  It was nearing lunch and I had things to do.  He answered immediately.  Asked him what he wanted done.  He said he could let them out but he wouldn't be there until 2 or 230.  I said that is not good and I would let them out.   He said he would let them out now only on days when I was out of town.   Told him ok.  I appreciate it and all he has done thus far.  Told him this week I only needed help on Wed due to an employee being off for a funeral.  He agreed to take care of them on Wed this week for me.  Also told me he normally goes to his parents for lunch and today he didn't and he would be going there but not for awhile.

I went left the dogs out and got caught in a white out.  Texted him to be careful that I was in a white out yet lucky I was close to the house.  He said he was up at his sisters and not out on the road.....Ok  great.  Didn't ask where he was.  But ok.

Tuesday:  I get a text that he is in the area and will let the dogs out.  Great!  I was so busy it was nice to not run out and I told him I appreciated his help.  He then told me he was back from dropping off his parents at the airport and hanging out with a buddy at his house.  Once again....wow!

Come home and was putzing around the house and I saw he dropped off the Sirius radio he wanted hooked up.  I debated on just doing it and getting it over with and decided NO.  This is a joint decision since we are going to be sharing the account to save money.   I did some work on taxes and then sent him a text to see if he had time to talk about the sirius because I was freed up.  He texted back.  Nope I am playing pool tonight.  Maybe tomorrow night. 

OK  I am floored.  Never expected an answer let alone that one.  You know my mind is thinking he is with OW not with friends playing pool.  So another Wow if this is the truth.  Who knows.

Wednesday:  Due to a storm, I texted him and told him not to worry about the dogs.  I would take care of them.  He wanted to know why?  Told him I was closing the office and working from home.  Just a bit ago, I get a text...are you home?  I am on my way up!   He was at his parents and came up to set up the Sirius.

I did the work but included him in the decision making.  He is paying for it on his CC and I paid him in full for the year for my half of the subscription.  He also talked about our son.  The trip some more.  Our SIL who he is trying to help him get a job and he missed qualifying by 1 lousy point.  Asked me about PODCASTS and told me to get the app and listen to them.  Asked for help to hook up his new radio because he couldn't read the small letters.

He wanted to know why I drove through the yard to pull in the carport from the back.  He chided me that I was too lazy to back into the carport.  I corrected him that I didn't mind backing but I didn't want to smash the 4 plus inches of snow.  He got wide eyed and said I didn't think about that.....I backed into the drive way instead of parking in the stones or grass.  I threatened to kick his bum.  He apologized then laughed.

Later when he was leaving he was going through his mail and I usually through out junk but his birthday is coming up and there was an AARP offer so I put it in his stack.   He then threatened to kick my bum and we both got a chuckle.   

After an hour he was off to go to work.  Told me where he is working tonight and what time he goes in.  Then asked me to get in touch with my dad for him.   Told him to do it himself.  He said he might do that.  Time will tell.

So he is gone again.  I snow blowed and I am gonna head to town to shovel the office out and get some supper somewhere. 

Me:  I get frustrated with these visits recently.  He stops by and seems so freaking normal except for the fact that I have cooties still and he treats me like a cousin Eddy from Family Vacation.  The relative you don't really want to claim.  He is nice an all but just very distant.  These are the times when my mind want s to wonder and question if this will ever come to an end or if this is where he is gonna get stuck and life will be like this forever more.  Ugh!  So, I have to change my train of thought for now and move forward and right now that is snow cleanup.  Time for me to go and play in the white stuff before it all melts away!

Take care and thanks for listening to me!   
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Acorn

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #12 on: February 20, 2019, 12:50:03 PM »
He gets the first prize for ‘Super Duper Clinger’.
Can’t stay away, eh?!
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online One day at a time

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #13 on: February 20, 2019, 01:50:07 PM »
I thought the same Acorn, he can't stay away!!! So different to my wallower who simply disengaged from me!

Rose...bitter and twisted never.   I don't want that for me.  It would be so easy to hold hatred and anger and revenge but it will only hurt me in the end.  I don't want to be that person for anyone ever!
I could have written this! People often seem to expect me to be bitter, I'm not even really angry.. What's the point? It won't change anything and it won't be good for me.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #14 on: February 21, 2019, 04:05:33 AM »
He is REALLY

Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Milly

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #15 on: February 21, 2019, 02:14:09 PM »
Sam, it's early days still, but better he enjoys the time around than not. Just enjoy it while you have it.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #16 on: February 24, 2019, 11:34:19 AM »
Acorn - A Clinger?  Really?  Yes there are times that he "can't stay away" but what he comes for is just business like.  Helping at the house or doing a favor.   I guess I never ever through of him as a clinger as he doesn't seem to match the description.I guess this is something to think about, yet not waste my time on.  Use it to just try to understand some things a bit more.

  He is not trying to talk to me or tell me how he is feeling.  There are no signs of love...no hugs, kisses, luv yous or anything.  He doesn't keep trying to come back to the house to live...he shows he is content to live elsewhere, yet he wants to make sure things are taken care of at the house.  He has been like this since a few months after BD.  Then he stops for an extended period of time and then back again.  I always knew he loves the house...it was our dream home.  Still is mine!  So I though his coming by the house was just keeping in touch with the house itself.  He could care less if I am around at all or not.  Does this make him a clinger?  I guess it could.  I don't really understand the clinger or looked to it to much.  I think there was something more to Monday and him not wanting to come by.  I'll go into that in another post.

I guess I see his visits as meeting his needs.  His need to feel wanted.  His need to feel appreciated and needed.  That is his big need.  To be needed, wanted and appreciated.  Hence why I am cautious to show my appreciation by recognizing the little things he does.  Putting away my garbage cans, putting the dogs out, mowing, shoveling, hanging lights, etc.  I only see all the things he is doing as meeting his own selfish needs.  Luckily, there is some benefits to me at times too!

One Day - I get the same thing as you.  Not many people know what is happening but the few that do either support me 100% or support me leaving H 100%.  Those that don't support tell me to get over it, move on, take him for all he is worth, kick him to the curb, never trust again, etc.   I always seem to sense more anger and bitterness in them than in me.  I know one of these people was the victim of a "normal" affair when she was in her 20's.  I still see the anger and bitterness in her.  She gets angry with me that I didn't file for divorce and move on.   She used to be a part of my inner circle but since she refuses to accept my decisions without passing on her own bitterness, so she is no longer part of my inner circle.  It is what I had to do for me.  I couldn't let her negativity in my life.  I accept her for who she is. I respect her opinion for herself, but she doesn't understand that what is good for her is not what is best for me.   We are still friends, just not as close. 

um:  Yes he is....doesn't know if he is coming or going.

Milly:  Thank you!  Yes!  We are very early into this.  There are times when he wants to be around and do things and times that he does not.  I just let him decide and when he does not want to be around....I have to let that be ok too.  All I ask is when it comes to the dogs to let me know so I can make sure they are taking care of.  That is all.  Anything else...meh....if he helps he helps and if he doesn't....he doesn't and I always have a back up plan!  Glad your along on my journey with me.  I have read yours...as hard as it is...I respect you and see you as a strong woman!  Thank you for being there to support others!  I pray your H find his way to you one day!

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #17 on: February 24, 2019, 01:34:06 PM »
Journal Update:   

Someone please hand me the oxygen mask.  Been so busy and I am loving it.  Got to spend extra time with GS this week.  Nothing better in the world.  Be it a few mins or a few hours....I will take advantage of it anytime I can!  All the running though is exhausting but I wouldn't miss a moment of it.  I am so lucky to have the love of my kids and grandkids and some awesome supportive friends!

Thursday:  Not much word from H with the exception of when he tried to call me because the radio wasn't working and he needed passwords.  I had to call him back and the pw didn't work so he asked me to reset the radio.  I had to to this because he was on the road and unable to do.  He asked and I obliged. e Not on his time frame as I was at work and had to do it inbetween other things I had to do for clients.   Eventually we got it working.  We always were  good team at projects and problem solving except for the MLC problems.  Oh my!

Friday:  My daughter asked H to help move her new Living room set on Saturday.  He volunteered his truck and also a trailer.  He was unable to get it on Friday and would have to get it early on Saturday after working until after midnight Friday.  So I volunteered to get the trailer and he thanked me for it.  LOL.  I wasn't doing it for him.  I was doing it for D!  Told me he would meet me at my house!  Just recently he started to refer to our house as my house.   I laugh when he does it.  He won't sell it to me or sign it over to me and insists on doing work here but it is my house!

Saturday:  8:45...the crew shows up to move the furniture.  We load up go pick it up and all goes well until we get  to D's house to unload.  We needed more help to to the steepness of the steps.  As a result, we lost time and D was unable to go back to get her vehicle.  She told H that he was gonna have to take me home with him so that I could leave my car for them to use and they would return it later.  Per D he said not a problem.  Then sat down and waited for the help.  While waiting we were talking about tattoos and I asked if he finished his yet.  He has 1 of 3 sessions done.  He looked at me, then looked at his phone and said NO.  The artist called me not long ago to go over...I didn't go.  I couldn't.  It was having a bad day.  I don't know when I'll get it done.   

I was floored and just looked away.  This was one of the few times he acknowledged that there were bad times for him.  Now I wonder if him skipping lunch with his parents and not wanting to take care of the dogs on Monday was a "bad" day for him too.  He didn't want to leave his sister's house that day until he had to.   Not gonna monkey brain but knowing the way MLC works...it made me wonder for a bit.

Eventually he took me home when he was ready to go.  While we were at D's, he was quick to want to hold GD but didn't spend much time with GS.  Claims GS doesn't like him.  Truth is he doesn't visit regularly so GS is not familiar with him.  On the other hand, GS asked for my parents all the time because they make time each week to visit and play with him.

On the way home, he talked about S and some other things.  I don't really recall what all.  Really sad but whatever it was didn't have much importance to remember it.  Yikes.  Another step into detachment maybe since I am not holding onto each word he says???  I hope!

As soon as we got home, he announced that he was leaving the "borrowed" trailer at my house.  (insert another chuckle here)  Said nephew didn't care where it was so he might as well leave it here for now.  Ok.  I could care less.  I have space.  So he parked it and then rushed into my house.

I followed because he was asking for a finishing nail and a measuring tape and I was curious.  Well he heard SIL and myself talking about a stud finder so I could install a TV hanger.  H came in and found my studs for me and told me what I was planning on doing was a great idea and then proceeded to tell me how I should do it.   More laughs.

As he was doing things...I noticed a "snake" bite on his neck.  Oh my was all I could think.  A 52 year old man that has been marked.  Shaking my head and walking away.

H finally got done telling me how to do things and was getting ready to leave.  Asked him if there was anything else and he said...Oh...I need my watch.  Earlier in the day he asked me to put it on the charger for him.  As  I started to turn, he got snarky and said "if you remembered to charge it for me"...to this I turned gave him a huge grinning smile and jogged off for his fully charged watch.  My response was perfect.  He always told me that nothing pushed his buttons more than when he could flip the bird to someone in a car while he was driving and they would smile and waive back at him.  So I gave him "The Smile" and returned his watch to him.  I didn't play into his snarkiness.  I figured this was MLCease for the projection of I can't remember to charge my own watch so why should you. 

Sunday:  Besides a few response to pics of GS that were posts....crickets.  I alwasy say I expect this for some time.  Truth is....each time I think he is gonna go away for awhile....he doesn't.

He is at a point where he seems content.  Not happy...not sad...not miserable...just there.  Just going through the motions and pretending to be happy.  He may smile but his eyes say something totally different.

It is so sad to see this in him when I know the man who used to have a glitter in his eyes...a bounce in his step and wry smile that was real not forced.   

On the flip side of the coin...I have found my happiness and I won't give it up...not even for him.  He has to find a way to come up to my level now.  Once he gets here, he will enjoy life again too.  Just sucks that he is wasting time doing the MLC thing for now.  Really wish a swift kick to the butt will help.  It won't.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #18 on: February 24, 2019, 04:15:01 PM »
Great update Sam. I enjoyed reading all that!

Yip MLC is a waste of time, I agree. Such a waste of such a great part of our lives.

It’s great you have your happiness and won’t give it up for him. I think I’m the same! In fact, yes i’m the same!

Rose 🌹

Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #19 on: February 25, 2019, 04:35:36 AM »
OK, so I am going to Hades for this but ....

I had to laugh with the thought of a guy around my age running around with a hickey.... Really....

Teenagers, I swear....

Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #20 on: February 26, 2019, 05:03:13 PM »
Rose:  I read reply tonight with no intent to comment...but I had to take the time to do it.   

I am so happy that you reached the point where your happiness matters to you.  Liberating!  Fulfilling!  That is how I feel.  I feel like I can conquer the world.  Nothing can stop me from being happy!  I love being happy and I am not afraid to put my happiness in the forefront of other things.  One day our H's will catch up and fell the same way and then we will walk together.  No more one walking in front of the other!


UM:  If you are going to Hades, I am going with you!  I saw it and was at first shocked...then I had to turn and walk away for fear of laughing at him and pointing it out in front of others!



Journal Update While I am HERE!

Sunday:  A few texts from H.  I started by letting him know he forgot his work gloves and advised where I put them up in case he was looking for them.  He came back at me with a few other texts and later a few snaps.   Later in the day he advised me where he was working and that the weather there was good compared to what we were having.

Monday:  My car is at the shop for a recall.  He know this.  He rcvd the recall notice the week before in his mail.   I gave the shop my number but they called him regarding questions.  He texts me:  Are you having troubles with the truck.  Me:  Nope   H:  The shop called me.  Me:  They are trying to upsell me on services.  H :  Figures.  They always want to sell you something you don't need.

Tuesday:  Crickets all day.  D invited H out to family dinner tonight and he said maybe if he doesn't work.  He got in touch with her later and wanted all the info and informed D he didn't have to work.

I was the last to show at the restaurant due to stopping by the house to let the dogs out.  As soon as I got there, H says to me....I would have taken care of the dogs if you would have asked me.   I smiled at him and changed the subject to the grandkids.

Later he told me about his convo with son.  When it was time to sit....there were 3 seats on the other side of the table...he chose to sit across from me. All three seats were open and when he asked where he was to sit, I said anywhere....that one there (not across from me) is near the baby.   Weird.  So we sat as we used to sit...couples across from each other...ladies on one side and grumpy ole men on the other.  LOL.     We chatted some.  I mostly observed.  He talked to SIL and my Dad a lot during the meal.  When he was done eating he quickly grabbed up GD under she got fussy....then he insisted on handing her to me. 

These are nice times, yet I feel so distant.  I feel like I have my guard up.  I don't want to let it down for fear of him running straight back into hard replay.  I don't want to leave the guard down to only be hurt again.  If I keep it up and keep my distance then I know I am better protecting me...yet I wonder if I send off the wrong vibes.  Yet it is not enough of a worry for me to take down my barrier at this time.  Right or wrong of me.....time will tell!    I have read enough to know that what he is going through right now is nothing real.  Nothing more than a few moments of some kind of clarity for now.  We have such a long time to go yet and a long journey for him to take and he needs to do it without me.

I enjoy these few moments when he chooses to be with family.  Yet it seems so very odd that he comes to us.  Smiles and laughs and shares and then goes to her.  To be with us, I feel strongly that he has to be lying to her.  At least I hope he is.  It also feels good to know that he can make some time for his family again.  When I say family...I mean D and family and me and my parents.  There is still no spending time with us alone or having any quality talks about anything at all.  He talks about son and things he does.  I just keep smiling and nodding and trying to find interest in some of the stuff he talks about.   While at the same time making sure I don't analyze what is happening.  Just notating for future reference.

Well hope you are all well.  Take care of yourselves!   Sam
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline seahorse

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #21 on: February 26, 2019, 06:13:29 PM »
Sam:
Attaching on HS.
Will try to fly with you - out of the turbulence, but will be right with you during it.

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #22 on: February 27, 2019, 12:15:48 PM »
Still riding along Sam
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #23 on: February 27, 2019, 12:23:45 PM »
Sea - Glad you are on board with me.  <3

Journaling - This is all about me this time.

So, I am  the type of person to tends to think and analyze things.  After journaling last night, I read and went to bed.  I kept thinking over and over about the night.   It was a great night with my family and H.  Awesome to have them all together and H acting fairly normal.  Most other people don't recognize the differences in him.  I do...but then I thought I knew him best and I am also looking for differences where as all others are looking for him to be the old H that they knew.

This morning I realized how very neutral I was that H was there.  I thought I would be excited that he was there....but then I realized I was me during the night.  I didn't need to overly focus on him.  I was very content to sit and enjoy my time with the family.  I then realized that even if he was not there...it would have been a great night because of everyone else that was there.

There was a time when I would have been had over heels with knowing he was joining us.  I would have tried to look my very best and possibly even acted more excited and happy than I really was.  I guess that was the fake it til you make it time maybe???

Last night I was not indifferent.  I listened when he talked.  He joined convos and I made eye contact.  He held mine for a bit too.  Yet I was just very neutral about the whole situation.  He was too.  He participated and seemed good.  Not happy!  He seemed content to be there there with the family too.

When he left....I left him go with no byes at all.  He was at the car with the grandkids and he doesn't usually get that...so I just sort of snuck off and did my thing.  Hopped in my car and went home.  I was happy....I enjoyed my evening and  was happy he chose to join us.  Can't be easy as we are a close knit family that he used to be a part of.  He joined.  I guess you can say he is trying but trying for what?  Trying to be normal?  Tryin to be accepted?  Trying to spend time with the grandkids vs actually going and spending time with them?  I don't know what his end goal is right now.

So I realized also that H asked a question about his mail.  He is looking for a specific letter from his employer.  Told him nothing came recently but I would let him know when it shows up.  It was one of those convos that made me wonder what is up.  Just out of the blue he brings to my attention a letter from his employer.  He has always been big on hinting at things that are happening vs just telling me outright.  I won't play the game.  I just act like...no big deal and won't ask questions.  This is not the first time he has played this game.  When will he figure it out that I am not taking the bait?????

Oh, well....enough from me. 

Guess who just dropped me a snap after crickets all moring!  Ugh!

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #24 on: February 27, 2019, 12:24:41 PM »
66:  Hey lady!  Hop aboard.  How are you doing.  I just realized I lost you and have not been following along.  I got to go find your thread and get caught up!   Love that you are hear and hope all is well with you!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #25 on: February 28, 2019, 02:30:29 AM »
Don't you just LOVE the passive-aggressive "I'm going to throw hints so you HAVE to ask me " game? It is SO controlling... UGH!  I get that too and it makes her crazy that I no longer take the bait like I used to... She came out once and said that I must not care if I don't ask. I just looked right back and say that if it was that important to her, she'd say it rather than try to play games.... 

Truth Dart


And now, my evil twin wants a peck at the keys.....

Too bad you didn't send him back to OW with a different Hickie....



Yep, Goin' to Hades....
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #26 on: March 02, 2019, 04:17:45 AM »
Oh UM....Thank you for those early morning laughs today.   

Don't worry...you will have company in Hades...we all get those thoughts we just don't all have the ability to apply the appropriate GIFs to them to elevate them.  Your awesome!  Thank you!  I love you spins on situations with the GIFs.


MLC Story to Share - Not my MLCer

It is no secret I go to a spa bi monthly for massages.  They help me mentally, spirtually and of course physically!

For the last year I dealt with a wonderful receptionist who moved on a few months ago to a permanent full time position with benefits!  Yeah for her.  In her place is L.  L is in her early 40's with a grown son from a high school oopsie and a teenager and a preteen.  She is re-entering the work force due to a recent separation and pending divorse.


Over the last few months we have talked more and more.  Each time I get more info about her life from her as she freely tells me info. 

Last week when I went in, she told me she sould not be coming to see me for my professional services because her husband (she doesn't call him her ex) paid that particular bill so she is good for at least six months.  I became brazen and finally said...do you mind sharing your story with me.  You and your H seem to get along fine...what happened.  I fully expected her to describe to me he was in mlc.  I was shocked at what came out of her mouth.


She told me:

In fall of last year, she was disgruntled with the marriage.  They had been cycling on and off for th last few years.  She finally got to the point where she was not happy and she told her husband that.

She said, looking back they were always great friends but there was NO SPARK there.  She had been engaged to be married and her fiance was tragically killed.  A little over a year later she was pregnant and married to her current H.  They went on to have a 2nd child.  Thus far been married for 15 years.

They tried things for a few months and then she finally said....I need a break.  We need to separate for awhile so I can figure out what I want.

While separated, her H was good at first giving her space.  Then he started to ask for parameters.  Finally demanded a time table for how long the separation was going to happen.  She said this made her fell BOXED in and she could not stand it so she filed for divorse.  That was around Thanksgiving and the divorse was just settled in the last month. 

At first when she filed, they were not amicable, but they are working on that for the sake of the kids.  Trying to do family functions now and then.

I then told her that my H is having some issues and we are separated and she asked me what happened.  I have her a 30 second elevator speech.  Came home, he moved out, no warning, not happy, ILYBNILWY speech, wants to be single and live like someone in their early 20's, no responsibiliyt, etc.  We are being amicable.  Divorse - unknown.  Future - unknown.  I am giving him space to work on himself.

She looked at me wide eyed and told me....I feel like a teenager too.  She said when this all first started she felt like she had a brain tumor.  Didn't know what is happening, just knew her marriage was not happy for a long time and felt this was holding her back from happiness.

Now that she is divorsed she has started to date and enjoys the other guys company yet her husband asked her for dinner and said that would be nice but doesn't know if she wants to fall back into that trap.  Wants to be friends because they were great friends before.  Happy to date this new guy for now and see what happens.

She went on to say that maybe the divorse taught her husband a lesson and he may have gotten the message but not sure if it will stick so she is not sure she wants to try to go back there or not.

When you look at her, she is glowing!  No shark eyes...smiles and appears happy in her new role.  She is a great people person.  Would love to see her outside of her position and she what she is like.

Potentially, it sounds like she is in an MLC or a transition.  She never said what all her husband did to make life miserable, but just aluded to him learning a lesson maybe.


I ended the convo by thanking her for talking to me.  I also told her that she is not the only person going through this.  It is more common than she thinks.  She said to me...what do I do.   I told her, if you feel anything for you H....don't give up just yet.  Take this time for YOU and figure out what the problems are and address them with him later when you feel up to it.

Told her I would listen anytime. 


10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Milly

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #27 on: March 02, 2019, 07:13:24 AM »
Very interesting, Sam. Thanks for sharing this view from the other side. Do you know how present she is in her kids' lives?
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #28 on: March 02, 2019, 08:05:49 AM »
I do not know that yet.  The teenager...I am sure that is hit and miss as normal teens.  Pre-teen...no idea.  The older one doesn't live in the house but has a brand new grand baby she is proud of.  She said she encourages all the kids to stay in touch.  The H raised the oldest as his own and when the baby was born wanted H to still be pappy.  She encouraged it and said H will always be part of all their lives...even the stop son.

If I get any more info in the future...I'll share.  I was in awe after talking to her.  It really hit home how the MLCer functions now and no one really knows.  Also explains why others are so quick to grab hold of their stories as presented and believe them.  Her H was all in the wrong...no spart in marriage...never was.   Hmmmm.   Had I not been on the receiving end of MLC as and LBS, I would have fell hook line and sinker for her story.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Anjae

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #29 on: March 02, 2019, 12:44:14 PM »
Her husband is a very nice man. Gave her space, didn't made a fuss about the divorce, remains friends with her and invites her out to dinner.

She hope he learned a lesson? What lesson? She is the one who says the marriage was not happy for years and there was no spark.

Of course for now she is glowing. She feels like a teenager and all is new.

The dead/shark eyes don't show at first. Mr J had is normal eyes until the second half of 2009.

Mr J has been very good at dealing with costumers for over a decade as well as with club owners - he books his dj sets. He is in MLC.

Our ground floor neighbour is having some sort of crisis. She is late 40's, two children, married for a long time. She can be seen skeaning out at 11 pm or later, all dressed up. Her husband says she returs very, very late. She asked for divorce and wanted to move out. That was last Summer. She is still home.

She had a serious stroke and an aneurysm when she was 40 or so. She had been very ill and there are some 18 months of her life she does not remember. She should be retired by doctors orders and should not be leading a crazy, sleepless, frantic life. But there she is, behaving life a teen and feeling like one. Last Summer she told me she was tired of her husband and needed freedom and now was feeling like when she was young.

When I was going out and about during my MLC, that come with BD, I was not feeling like I was a teen. As a teen, I didn't go out and about. I was just feeling tons of things I wasn't used to. It was great fun, but it is not something I want to go back to.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #30 on: March 04, 2019, 06:35:58 AM »
Thanks for sharing Anjae.  It is different to see how a real life MLCer acts in RL.  I don't get to the see that with H.  I only get to see the "mask" he puts on those times he chooses to be around.


Journal Entry:

Had a great weekend.  Lots of time with the grandkids.  Taxes almost done.  Should be able to finish up today or tomorrow hopefully!
Had about 4 inches of snow overnight and that is all cleaned up!  Gonna be a great week this week.  A little cold but warmer temps coming starting next weekend.

H is getting distant again.  Since Thanksgiving, the longest we have gone without talking or communicating is 14 days...other that that he was doing short cycles of 1 to 5 days. 

Appears we may possibly be back to a longer one again.  Is it wrong of me that I almost look forward to these longer ones.  I know there are issues for him to deal with and I believe he can't do it when he cycles near.  I may be wrong but that is my thoughts and feelings.  When he cycles away, he deals with this "crap" and I let him alone and don't interfere.  I know he has to go through cycle after cycle after cycle until he finally works his way through his journey...then and only then might he choose to cycle back without the cycling away. 

I still wish there was a legal way to lock them up in a padded room for several years until they get through this!  LOL!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #31 on: March 05, 2019, 11:31:55 AM »
Journaling because I have some time and nothing to do for about 5 mins...wow...that doesn't happen often.

H is starting his cycle away.  Not only with me but a mutual friend approached me and told me that H isn't reaching out as much anymore either.  Friend decided not to take the initiative to reach out.

A client walked into my office today.  His son is H's boss.  Appears that they are not too happy with him at work either.  Boss man used to think the world of H.  So did my client.  Today he was commenting that some men need to grow up.  Acting like a teenager is ridiculous.  Commented that H obviously doesn't care if he isn't trying to talk to me.  I was not in the office when this happened.  My office manager intervened and told client that 1.  It is inappropriate convo at the office.  2.  The convo should not be held when I am not there to direct the comments too.  3.  The comments should not be shared with my employees.  If he wanted to talk to me about it he should contact me and make arrangements.  Kudos to her.  This is the same one that turned her back on me months ago and sided with H since he was the one blabbing and I was zipping my lips and not taking the info to the office.

I don't know what the issues at work are.  He apparently does his job so I don't know what is happening and quite honestly...I don't want to know.  If he looses his job, it will be a burden but it will be his burden to bear.  He had hated this job not he seems more than content with it so I don't think there are issues there.  I think it is more lifestyle options.  Who knows.

These are the things that hurt me.  Him not talking...I can deal.  Him not allowing me in his life....got it.  Him avoiding the grandkids and kids...hurts like heck.  Him tarnishing his own reputation that he worked so hard for....hurts.  Yet I recognize there is nothing I can do.  As bad as I feel about it....this is just one of those things I need to let go.  All I can do is plan for a future where I will be willing to walk tall beside him and help untarnish his rep when he is ready to take responsibility for himself.

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Unraveled

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #32 on: March 05, 2019, 12:09:22 PM »
Sam I have followed your story since the beginning.  Your patience and understanding is admirable, as is your drive to move forward in your life.

Who knows what any of this mean and where it is heading, but I suspect your H is in a withdrawal stage and may be entering that second half of replay.  Yours is a clinger, so much different than mine, but mine definitely did a huge withdrawal from me and from our children.  We live an hour apart and have no people in common, so I don't know what he is doing with others.  I do know, from his statements, that he has been connecting with family he never cared about during our marriage.

Following his withdrawal, he filed for divorce, refused to try to work it out with me, and then began doing insane things to get my attention when I showed I was marching forward to conclusion.  Eventually he asked to meet with me after 1.5 years and at that meeting asked to dismiss the divorce.  He is reconnecting with my S and would like to reconnect with my D, but she isn't biting.  He has begun spending time in our home again after 2.5 years.

I do think yours is going to swing back to you and the kids (probably them first).  I have so little contact with mine, it is hard to pinpoint the beginning and ending of the withdrawal, but I think it lasted almost a year.  I know it hurts when they aren't there for the kids, but I will say from the reconnection I have seen, it is much more substantive than any relationship he ever had with my S (but my S is also older now and probably easier to talk to).

Online Rising Phoenix

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #33 on: March 06, 2019, 04:33:22 AM »
Sorry to hijack Sam but can I ask unravelled how long was the no contact and who initiated contact?

Sam sounds like you are doing fantastic. I have read on a couple of threads that some h have distanced. I wonder if it is a pattern after the holidays. Xx
« Last Edit: March 06, 2019, 04:34:56 AM by Rising Phoenix »
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Unraveled

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #34 on: March 06, 2019, 12:07:43 PM »
RP, I answered that on my own thread if you want to read it.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #35 on: March 08, 2019, 06:14:26 AM »
 Unraveled:  Thank you for stopping by and sharing your thoughts.  I jumped over and read your story.  Remarkable but nice to see some improvement...especially with the kids.  Yeah!

One thing that still amazes me:  Our spouses all have different issues....different problems...different lives...live in different areas/countries...yet there is always something so similar in an eerie way.

Yesterday I read how your H was referring to home as "Your" place.   My H just entered that phase.  For awhile it was our house (not home), then it became neutral (the house) now he says YOUR house or YOUR home or YOUR place.  Also noticed he calls his sisters place his sisters and is not yet referring to it as home.  When he was with the OW, he would say, that place that I stay.  So right now, he is a man without a home.    Thanks for sharing your journey so all have even more to learn from!


RP:  Please hijack anytime.  We all learn here by asking questions and getting responses.  I don't consider it hijacking...you are participating in a convo and bringing in a different spin!  To me that is awesome!  Good question by the way!

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #36 on: March 08, 2019, 06:50:22 AM »
For the last few days H has been silent.   I am ok with this.  I just respond when he does reach out and if he doesn't I don't.

Today I had an oopsie moment where I inadvertently send him a IM by error.  Have no idea at all how I did it but I invaded his world accidentally this am.  He handled it by responding "that's cool".  I then confessed and apologized for accidentally sending to him. 

It was nothing bad...actually something quite stupid.  I was talking to a friend about my love for fun and funky socks and sent her a picture of my socks.  Only downfall....they were valentine's socks with the little candy hearts on them.....not something I needed him to take the wrong way.  Oh well....hopefully this is one of those sitches where the fog brain doesn't let him remember. haha

Not much else is happening.  Working, living, loving life.  Making plans for my future that don't include H is odd, but I am not giving up vacays because he is not part of my life right now.

I have no complaints about anything more than the gas prices and the cold weather.  I look at my life and I have a lot to be thankful for.  It is weird but I am even thankful for this experience because it is bringing out the true me again.  That gal that loves to laugh, have fun, wear bright colors and just be me.  My confidence is soaring and it is showing in all aspects of my life.  I am positive once again too.  No more negative Nellie which I had turned into.  No matter what....there is a solution and something good will come out of it.

I think my biggest growth in the last few months has been patience and acceptance of others.  I used to have no patience with "stupidity" as I referred to it.  I didn't see errors as being human I saw them as inept.

Last weekend I had a really bad waitress at a restaurant.  She was arguetive and just wasn't listening to my request.  In the past, I would have been nasty to her and told her to shut up and listen.  I attempted several times to work with her and when she continued I kindly asked her to send over a senior waitress to help us as we were getting no where.  (She was a newer and younger waitress).  The senior waitress a came over and understood what I wanted based on her experience and helped the younger one.

Another time, I ordered lunch to be delivered.  I had skipped breakfast and was hungry and irritable.  The food was to be delivered i 45 minutes.  It took 1 hour and 20 minutes.  In the past, I would have been snarky and not tipped.  This time I took a couple deep breathes when I was loosing my patience and relaxed.  When the delivery person showed up I kindly asked them about being late and they apologized.  The stop before me, she slid off the icey driveway and into the slush and got stuck.  She had to wait for help to get unstuck.  She was older and didn't use a cell phone.  I actually tipped her when before I would have docked her tip.  I realized there could have been extenuating circumstances and there were.  When I tipped her, you would have thought I have her a $100 bill.  It was no where near that.

Lastly, last evening, I ordered groceries online.  Picked them up and come home to realize that they overlooked giving me all my frozen foods.  Ugh.  Called them...old me would have ripped them a new butt.  New me said, it's okay.  Have the person working tomorrow call me so I can make arrangements to pick it up since I couldn't schedule online.  She called this am.  We are now besties...haha...talked to her for 45 mins.  She is gonna have things ready for me to pick up right after work today.  She wanted to delivery.  In the past, I would have demanded that...instead, I just asked her to have it ready after work.  She was happy about the resolution and so was I.

I am so happy with the NEW old me.  This was the me of old before I turned into a curmudgeon. 

Hope you all have a great weekend!  Take care and enjoy!  Sam



10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online One day at a time

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #37 on: March 08, 2019, 07:08:36 AM »
Oh Sam! So much of what you wrote about how you were resonates with me! I used to describe myself as impatient and unable to tolerate inefficiency... I'm not as far as you are but I'm certainly working towards it... Part of my BD was "you can be a b#&£! sometimes" and you know what? He was right... I didn't really give people the chance to explain why things "were not done to my standards"  ::) and who am I to expect high standards from everyone??

Still a work in progress but progress is better that nothing!
I guess it's the silver lining, the lessons we learn and how we improve ourselves at the back of them
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #38 on: March 10, 2019, 02:15:51 PM »
One....there is always a silver lining...sometimes you just have to look a little harder.  So glad you are progressing and healing and facing your issues.  I feel better and better all the time.


Latest realization I faced was today.  It was a result of the quote I found:

Quote
Maybe the journey isn't so much about becoming anything.  Maybe it's about un-becoming everything that isn't really you, so you can be who you were meant to be in the first place.

This hit home for me.  This is ME to a T.  I know who I used to be and what I wanted and over the years, I slowly let that person disappear.  I alone allowed it to happen.  Now I am not FINDING me...I am getting back the old me.  No wonder it feels so natural in the skin I am in now compared to the masquerade gown I was wearing for the last umpteen years.

Look out world...I AM BACK!   That is how I feel now.  Confident.  Determined.  Happy (despite mlc I really am happy).   

Without H taking his plunge, I don't know when or if I would have ever found me again.


The next thing I have been tackling has been responsibility.  Almost all MLCers seem to want to run away from it.   I finally had my moment when I get it now.  These are my thoughts.  Responsibility is many times placed on us.  We don't always ask for it...we don't always want it.  It can be expected by someone else or it can be a situation where no one else is available so guess what...you get the task.

I can understand why H is running away from it.  On the other hand is committment.  If you commit to something, you tend to do it because you WANT to do it.  I quickly will commit to things that I have more of an interest in and those things tend to be fun, exciting and fulfilling.  Doing things I HAVE to do...that is more of a chore.

My H was the most responsible man I know.  However, he did shoulder a lot.  We both did.  The difference is that I am not in MLC and I have no regrets for the sacrafices I made over the years.


Sorry to ramble again.  Just love to share my thoughts here as most of the RW does not get it if I start to blubber!

Hope you all have a great day!  Sam
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #39 on: March 10, 2019, 05:33:43 PM »
Sam

I love to hear your thoughts so thank you!

And my favourite bit....
Look out world...I AM BACK!   That is how I feel now.  Confident.  Determined.  Happy (despite mlc I really am happy).   

Without H taking his plunge, I don't know when or if I would have ever found me again.

How great is this to read! Then I realise I think I feel the same! High five to you lovely 🙌

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #40 on: March 12, 2019, 06:58:28 AM »
Morning all.  Bear with me as I just need to spew this out there.....

Ran to the store on the way to the office today.   Fairly early to avoid the crowds.  H had the same idea.  I ran into him as I was walking in and he was walking out.  Made small talk.  He was carrying the exact item I was going after.  He asked me where I was working today (I vary between two offices).  Then he told me about his parents a bit.  Then asked me where I was working today.(2nd time in less than a minute)  When I told him the 2nd time, he then said, I have to visit my dad today...I can let the dogs out for you.  I said thank you I would appreciate it.   Then he talked more about his parents and their issues and in the same breathe said  "well get going" and he turned and walked away.

Had I not run into him today, it would have been 14 days since we seen each other and talked in person.  Since thanksgiving, the longest has been 13 days.  Add another 13 day streak.  HaHa.  Thirteen is not usually a good number to be associated with.  Oh well.

So right now we are at the stage I have read about in others.  The stage where it is described as "acquaintance".  I call it the Cousin Eddy era.  If you ever watch Christmas Vacation, Cousin Eddy was the outcast.  The cousin who no one really wanted around but semi tolerated.  I feel like Cousin Eddy right now.

I recognize this as a stage and I accept it for what it is.  I know as he progresses things will continue to change with him and I will continue to be viewed differently all the time.  However, I could just feel today that I was the last person he had hoped to run into.  Oops. 

For some unknown reason, God put us in the same pathway today.  I had no plans to go to the store.  I made the plans at the last minute before leaving the house.  I usually don't go into the grocery end of the store.  Today I did.  I actually saw what I thought was his car in the parking lot closer to the middle entrance and figured if I go into the grocery entrance I will probably miss him plus I could look at the license plate to see if it really was him or not.  Go figure, he was coming out the entrance that he barely ever used either. 

I have come to accept so much on this journey.  I have learned so much.  Yet the thing that hurts me the most anymore is not the rejection.  Not the affair.  Not the uncertainty.  It is seeing him in pain.  The man who still claims I am his best friend can't hardly face me or talk to me about his issues or anything else.  In fact, he would rather talk to no one vs picking up the phone and calling me.   I know he is talking to a lot of people but I don't think he is sharing with anyone.  Denying or keeping it all in?   I don't know.  I just known that I want his pain to go away.  I also know that it will someday...when he is ready to face and deal with things and not one day sooner than that.  Sigh!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #41 on: March 12, 2019, 07:03:33 AM »
Hmmmmm .... Cousin's eh? 

I was picturing H more as....



Cousin It...

Sorry... I am going to Hades today...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #42 on: March 12, 2019, 07:07:31 AM »
LMAO.  Sadly you are sort of right on.  Wish I could send you a pic but I can impersonate Cousin It.

I have long blondish brown hair and if I comb it straight down and put my glasses on....I am Cousin It!  Still chuckling at this!

Funny story:  When I get bored traveling...I would do this while i the passenger seat just to get reactions from people we were passing.   H loved it and it helped to make time fly and it was a load of FUN!

The last time I did it had to be shortly before his MLC started about 4 or 5 years ago.

Thanks for the laughs today.  I have said it before.  If you go to Hades...you will get plenty of company! 
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #43 on: March 12, 2019, 07:09:02 AM »
Rose:  High fives right back at you!

It is heart warming to hear of your progression.  Good for you!  It can be very liberating to just be happy.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #44 on: March 13, 2019, 10:58:31 AM »
Sam

I feel for you getting that feeling from H that he wants rid of you. I was thinking today about my H around one year ago just now and he went to collect D from somewhere and I was there and he said 3 or 4 times ‘it’s ok you can go i’ll Get her’ but I had told D I’d be there to watch and had no reason to go so just said ‘sorry i’m Just going to stay’. He eventually dropped her off and didn’t come in the house. He’s not like that now. It lasted a few months but I don’t think he’d do that now as would be scared he hurt my feelings I think. It made me laugh inside as it was so ridiculous.

I also remember not hearing from H for a couple of weeks and it seeming long enough, that’s changed too, it’s just an unbearably slow process.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #45 on: March 13, 2019, 12:50:38 PM »
Rose - Thank you so much for your insight.  It is hard to accept but accept it I must.  I can only hope and pray that this too is also temporary. 

I would say my biggest fear through all this is him getting "stuck".  Right now he is moving along...but ever so slowly.

I can deal with the lapses of not hearing and seeing him.  I don't like it.  I know I can deal with it.  I have a great support system in place.  People to talk to and appropriate family that listens and cares and helps as they can.   I am blessed through all of this.  I know it could be so much worse.  Grateful it is not!

Keep taking care of yourself and I am hoping things keep progressing for you at a steady pace!   Sam!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #46 on: March 17, 2019, 04:31:08 PM »
Journaling:

RE H:  So after the store run there was very little communication.  Friday he reached out to D to find out when kids were visiting me via a group text.  Since kids were coming over Saturday am and grandparents wanted to see them.  I decided to invite all the grandparents over for pancakes since GS loves to make pancakes for breakfast.  Low and behold, H showed too and stayed for about 3 hours.  I stayed busy and stayed away.  One of the few times we were in the room together, he 1.  pulled me into a convo with D and 2.  was poking fun at me about my dog doing goofy things.   One of the few times he was fairly "normal".  Nice to see.  I miss his sense of humor.


RE Another MLCer:


On Friday I had a client come to see me and asked if she could talk to me about some personal stuff.  I get this a lot given my profession.  Didn't think nothing about it.

She told me she had heard about H.  She then went on to tell me that she started to venture to where H had gone but stopped it before it got physical.  She came to me to see what she should do about her H.

Told me things started about 5 years ago.  She had a lot of stress and was away from home for 5 mos while a family member was ill.  During that time she decided she didn't want to be married anymore.  She enjoyed the single life and wanted more of it.  Three years ago she told her H she wanted a divorse.  He told her that he knew they were in a marriage of convenience so they might as well just suck it up for the sake of the kids. 

During the last three years, they sold a home...bought a home...had another man (male nurse) move in with them for medical reasons.  She said about a year ago, she started getting really close with a male co worker.  They were not physical but it almost got to that point.  She grew close to his family.  The whole time she was "dating" this guy, she was telling her unwanted H what she was doing and he was staying at home taking care of the kids while she was frolicing. 

She wanted my opinion.  I was at a loss.  The only thing I told her was to help to address her situation and issues before she tries to work on the marriage and her H should do the same thing.  Get individual counseling first then go from there.

So hard to believe in a matter of a few weeks, I get two woman who appear to be in a stage of MLC unloading on me on their feelings. 

In a way it is interesting to get the insight into the thinking they have...yet weird that they both felt totally at ease to tell me about their lives.  One was near a complete stranger and the other a client that I see a few times a year.

RE Me:

Not much to say.  I keep plugging away.  Keeping so busy!  I am gonna try pickleball tomorrow night for something different.  I have been wanting to try it but I never did because H plays and I didn't want to "intrude" on his space.  Anyhow, the other night he texted me about something and when I told him to stay safe driving he told me he wasn't working and then kept the texts going.  Before long were were talking pickleball and he sent me the schedule and told me to try it sometime.  He recently hurt himself and has not been playing.  So...guess what....I am trying it and looking forward to trying it.

Work is still crazy nuts.  Have a new employee so training takes up a lot of time.   I stay busy in the evenings and I am trying to spring clean so when the weather breaks I get working outside which is something I love much more than inside work.

Mentally I feel great!  I have a happiness and a peace to me.  I am super content with me!  I feel unstoppable. 

Wishing you all the best!  Sam
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #47 on: March 18, 2019, 12:22:24 PM »
Every time I think H is gonna go off grid for awhile, something brings him back.  Last week it was bumping into him at the store.  Today it was bumping into him at my house.

I go home for lunch and to put the dogs out.  H is there.  Never told me he was going by.  He was looking at the trailer.  As I am walking inside, he comes around.  Tells me he is checking to see if there are tie downs in the trailer that belongs to his sister.  Then he tells me he is going to be pulling it out now that he can park it back at his sisters.  Then he tells me he is going to use it to take his bike to be serviced.  Last night he told D that he had to move something and when questioned, he clammed up.  So, is he up to something?  Who knows!  I can't care even though I want to. 

I go inside..he follows and is talking to me while a visit the little girls room.  When I come out...he is in the liquor cabinet taking some liquor.  This is the man that is so proud that he has not drank more than a beer or two since last October.

Pulled out two and half bottles and took with him.  I am floored.  Is he getting ready to start going deep into alcohol again?  Hope not, but nothing I can do if he is.  I didn't ask about it or comment.  Just observed.

Then I headed out to start to get ready to head back to the office.  He followed talking and then hopped in his car to go.  Stopped...put down the window and started talking.

Told me:

-about his new savings account at a different bank
-told me his concerns with current bank which is mostly just inconvenience at times
-talked to me about GD and how happy she is all the time and how much he just adores her and shared the pics I send him with his mom earlier today.
-asked me about my roof estimate and thought it was expensive
---told me a friend offered to help him replace the roof if I choose regular shingles vs metal
---was gonna call another friend about it
-I told him about issues in shower and he told me he would go to friend X and talk to him about it and get me some answers on how to repair
-told me he has a recliner from D's house on the trailer and wanted to know where I wanted it.  Told him to put it on the carport and I would address later.
---he said he would put it on the carport for now and come back later today or tomorrow to help me move it.  He wanted to see it get inside.
-Reminded me he was waiting for a package.  Told him I would try to not toss it away.  haha
-he came back to the roof again and said if I wanted him and some of his friends to do it, to let him know. His one buddy thought they could do it for about 1/3 the cost I was quoted.  He could get a few more guys.  Told him I had concerns of someone getting hurt.  He said no worries, we are nimble as a cat...then he chuckled and said on that note, I am out of here and he pulled out.   Another joke from him and a chuckled too!
-Followed up shortley thereafter with a reference of a roofer to call to get another estimate.

So he once again is falling into the weird catagory.   I vented it all out...now I feel better!  Thanks all for listening to me!


10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #48 on: March 18, 2019, 04:29:46 PM »
Sam

You sound great. Good for you. Pancakes for breakfast are my fav - GS has good taste!

So glad you could vent it all out. It’s good getting into his mind a bit!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #49 on: March 19, 2019, 03:41:18 AM »
Gee Sam,

Do you have a sign outside your office that is invisible to normal people that says "MLC Confession Booth?"



As for H, it sounds as if he is bouncing all over the place...

Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #50 on: March 19, 2019, 08:40:02 AM »
Good morning all!

Rose - I love pancakes too but my waistline does not!  It is a blast to make pancakes with him.  He tends to scramble them instead of flipping them.  Not pretty but taste good!

UM - OMG - regarding a sign - I hope not.  I have more on my plate than I want to handle now as it is!
As for the bouncing H - something is really odd.  I don't know how else to put it.  ODD  but then again this is MLC and I have to think outside the "normal" scope of things.

Journal Update:

Pickleball - I went and played last night!  What a blast.  Sad because I can only go one day a week right now but happy that I had a chance to try it.  I will definately be going back.

So I go to pickleball because H has not been going and he gave me the info and "permission" to go and try it.  Guess who is back playing as of last night.  Yep  the H!  He also signed me in on the roster.  I didn't know this had to be done but the mentor I had brought me the list to sign up and low and behold, I am already there.  I recognized H's writing immediately.

I was there early to get lessons.  Later H comes strolling in and looks at me, smiles and gives a polite waive.  Things get started and we play round 1 and round 3 and sit out round 2 and round 4.

During round 2, he came over to where I was sitting and was talking to me.  Telling me how to play (giving me hints) and telling me about the other people that are there.  Who is good, who is fun, who is serious...yada yada yada.

During round 4 he took a seat at the other end of the gym.  He was alone.  I could have joined him....I joined the group in the center.   It wasn't long before he walked over to my area.  He talked to people around me then started talking to me.  Eventually he got sidelined by the preacher.  I overheard some of the convo and I was amazed.

H used to have a hobby of making knives.  He gave it up because it was BORING about six mos before BD.  Last night the pastor said he collected knives and H said he is a custom knife maker.  Then backed that out by saying I make knives but have not for awhile now.  Then he told the pastor that next week when he comes he will try to remember to bring his phone with pics and maybe even some of the knives that he made for him to see.  They then moved further away but continued to talk for another 10 to 15 mins.  It was really nice to see some of his old passion with his hobby ignited again.

After the night ended, I bundled up and took off.  While I was walking off, H comes up behind and starts talking to me and asking what I thought and would I come back.  We talked 2 or 3 mins...he was back to the recliner on the carport and more on the roof again.

He got in his car...I walked to mine and as I pulled out he was still sitting in his.  When I got to the main road, H took a shortcut through the parking lot and ended up pulling out in front of me onto the main road which means I followed him part of the way home until he turned off to go to his sisters and I turned to go home.

Can I say this was truly a unique experience.  I didn't tell anyone at the event that H was my spouse.  I just played it off as we were acquaintances. Nothing more and nothing less and H acted like he was the same to me.  The cat will be out of the bag one day.  I have a client that plays at the same venue and same time but was not there last night.  This client has met my H and knows us.....time will tell how this all plays out in the future when people find out we are married yet not together.

Me....I am ok with it.  I still consider myself married no matter what H thinks.  He may have more to deal with than me.  Oh well, I am there for the fun of the sport and the exercise aspect too.  If anyone ever has a chance to go play....do it...don't wait...it is a blast!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #51 on: March 20, 2019, 05:25:18 AM »
Sam,
your H is really an odd duck - even for MLC...lol
Taking liquor ??? Like a teenager sneaking some booze our of his parents' house for a party...
What is going to do with the trailer at his sisters ????
And the whole Pickleball episode......I think your H is more confused than any of the others on here....he doesn't want to live with you or be your official husband, but yet follows you like a puppy .....this made me snicker...he is truly lost in lala land, isn't he ?

You, my dear, are handling it like a pro though - hats off to you
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #52 on: March 21, 2019, 10:24:50 AM »
66 - Things keep getting weirder too!  He wasn't sneaking the liquor...he was going through the cabinet taking what he wanted...but he did ask if there was anything I wanted.  Most everything is doubles...he just took the unopened stuff except for 1.

The trailer (enclosed hauler) is actually his sisters.  He left it at our house after we used it to move stuff for D.  He is just now finally taking it back, but his sister is due home next week so that could be a motivating factor.

Is he lost....yes and lala land sounds about right.  I can't figure him out either and I don't want to.  I just want to note the oddities for future looking back reference.

Update:   So after pickleball, I expected nothing from H for awhile.  Big mistake on my part.  Tuesday...nothing...he laid low.
Wednesday...nothing until the evening.  I needed some info from him, so I dropped a text for the info.  I didn't get a text back.  I got a call which turned into a 55 minute conversation until he suddenly had to go because freind M was calling.  Turned out it wasn't friend M...any takers on who the actual caller was....haha.  Silly lying MLCers.

Convo consisted of:
-info from text that I needed
-request to meet up with grandson on Sat if we go
-questions of what my Dad is doing to the cabin
-volunteered to help at cabin to do work - told him to contact my Dad
-stories on some of his trips
-comparing who has the best milkshakes
-his plan to walk more and hopefully to run by summer
-pickleball
-advised of job offer but he turned it down
-my Dad's b - day
-a variety of other small things that I don't recall
-Mowers and weedwhackers and he was telling me what he would do....I have different plans and he has no say in.  If it is my mistake...I'll live with it.

Basically the call was near normal from by to BD.  He circles things around to what he wants to talk about or things he is doing.  Twice I purposely sidetracked to something about me...he had nothing to say...there was a pause then he brought it back to him.  It was fun to test him out to see where he still is.  Yep...replay...lol   Just talking about things....just didn't have any depth.  I didn't ask about him...but he volunteered some info.  Mostly health and wellness and his cares and concerns.

Told me he is willing to help with the dogs any days but his days off because he isn't always around on those day.  AKA - I have to be at the beck and call of the OW.  Although I know she is back in the area....he does't know I  know this.  He still skirts that issue like it doesn't exist.

Today - He agreed to meet with a contractor regarding some work that needs done at the house.  I was supposed to, but due to a medical emergency with an employee, I couldn't make the meeting.    Afterwards, I expected a text to let me know when to expect the estimate.  Nope...another phone call.  Told me about the convo with the contractor.  When he was winding down...said I gotta go....take care....he says...will you share the estimate with me when it comes.  Sure will.  He told me I can have the tax return to help pay for it.  Now we wait and see what really happens!

I can't complain.  He has been fair with money.  He has helped when I really needed help...like meeting with my contractor.  He is mild compared to so many....I count my blessings and will continue to do so!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #53 on: March 26, 2019, 01:24:48 PM »
H Updates: 

March 21st - See previous post, plus... Family gathering at my sisters.  H declined to go.  Said he was going to stay home all night and ice an injury.  In my mind, I am think....yeah...right!

March 22nd  - Not a peep.

March 23rd - I joined D's family for an event.  H was invited and also showed.  We talked about pickleball and the house some.  I mostly played with the grandkids.  H overhead a convo about D's family and myself going away.  He asked her about it.  As I was leaving he told me to have a good time tonight.  I was going out for supper and had no idea that he knew.  I said I would have told him Good Bye.  He stayed behind to look at more equipment before heading to work.  My thoughts...yeah right...I know you are only 10 mins from the OW house here.  So I am thinking pit stop and he didn't want me to see him turn the wrong way.

March 24th - Short text convo about pickleball.  Nothing else.  D called me.  She said H contacted her and asked with had fun at the event they talked about yesterday.  D reminded him that is next Saturday...not this one.   Now I know why he told me to have a good time.  He thought I was heading to an out of town event that night.  Nope..just going with the grandkids for supper.

March 25th - Texting and phone contact regarding spouting for the house.  He is trying to be the middle man.  Contractor called me.  H then called me to get the info from the contractor.  We actually have a game plan.  Whoop Whoop!  We were always great when working on projects together!

H volunteered to help if my Dad was willing to help too.  If not he said maybe some friends would help him.

H is volunteering to do a lot of things around the house.   Question is....will he follow through.  See the doubting here again!

Middle of the day, I get a text from H that he left his racquet at my house for me to use and he was going to work.  He was to have off.  Wished him well on the trip.  Here again in my mind I am thinking....Lies to go spend time with the OW.  Turns out he really did go to work.  I got a snap of a landmark on his way to his destination and GS called him later and he was telling him where he was and what he was doing.   

Now I expect crickets for awhile.  Seems to be the norm.  He visits and disappears for awhile.  Wife overload again?  I feel like sometimes this is worse than a tennis match if anyone was watching.

This brings me to me......

I am noticing that whenever H tells me something, I immediately have doubts.  My thoughts go to wonder who he is seeing.  Wonder what this lie is about.  Wonder what his motive is for this action...etc  etc  etc.

I am starting to get disgusted with these thoughts of doubt always surfacing when it comes to him.   I know he is still deep in replay and still lying and it won't stop until after replay sometime in the future.   I understand that lying is a protection device he is using either to avoid hurting me or avoid facing the truth or most likely BOTH.  I know all this, yet I can't always control my thoughts.   I get more upset with myself for the negative thinking than I do with him lying and betraying.  Ugh.   

So this will be something else to add to my list of things to work one.  Keeping the negative thoughts about things out of my head and out of my life.  I am getting better at reasoning them out....I just hate that I immediately doubt!  Even though I have good reason...I hate it!  I want to keep the negativity out and just have a ho hum attitude about it! 
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #54 on: April 01, 2019, 12:21:39 PM »
Hello All!  Can't believe I have been gone from the site for about a week.  So busy right now and loving it!

Updates on H:  A few texts in the middle of last week.  Fri to Sunday evening....nothing.  Sunday evening...I get a Snap and I thought I recognized the town he was visiting...so I asked about it.  Then he kept the convo going.  Eventually he said he was going to PB tomorrow night (I felt like this was a fishing expedition so I gave him some bait)  I replied.   Ok...see you there.  He replied and our convo was done.   

Just weird how he avoids me for days.  Even avoided taking calls from grandson for two days...then wants to chat and fill me in on going to PB.   Of course my mind is sure he is with OW but I also admit I don't know that for sure.  This is based on him not taking family calls when he is with her. 

I don't get it...I would see her being upset if he took my calls...but why not GS.  He is an innocent in all this.  Anyhow....he dropped off the face of the earth for a few days then he is back with a big wham in my face....here I am.  Ugh!  Anyhow, he had a convo with daugther and thought he only missed a call on Sat night.  Wrong...he missed them on Fri and Sat.  Sat am H and D texted about missing the call and H claimed he was sick.  On Sunday evening when he finally talked to GS and D brought it up, he could't remember the missed call Friday night.  The one they talked about Sat am.   Wow...can we say the heavy pea soup fog has rolled back in!

Updates on ME:

I am so proud of myself.  I made a decision to do something and after it was all said and done I realized that I didn't think once that I should consider calling H for his opinion.  Whoop Whoop.  I am making progress in keeping H out of my mind for decisions.  Yeah me!

That being said....I did get an opinion from my dad and my son in law but ultimately I made the decision and I am happy with it!

Not much else happening!  Finishing up personal taxes....volunteering for an organization....filling in for sick staff.....spending a lot of time with family and grand kids....playing pickleball and wishing I had time to play more.   I am just being me and happy as can be!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #55 on: April 12, 2019, 07:53:55 PM »
Hey Sam - just checking on you. Hope all is ok
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #56 on: April 16, 2019, 11:45:24 AM »
Hey 66...I am doing very well.  I still check out the site a few times a week, but I have turned into more of a stalker right now.

I just don't have a lot to say at this time!

Thanks for checking in on me....rest assured I am not posting much because 1.  There is not much to report and 2.  I am too busy just living my life to have the extra time to post regularly anymore.

I have taken up a new hobby.  I spend more time with grandkids.  The weather is getting nicer so I spend more time outside vs inside on the computer.  All I can say is that after nearly 1.5 years....I am living life as it is meant to be lived.  I am in a good place mentally and when I need a pick me up...I have four great people that I can reach out to anytime.  They are all Standers too and we are getting each other through this!

As for H.....he is there.  He comes around, he goes away.  Rinse and repeat!  In between, he avoids me for a few days, then enters my world via a snap or an IG or a text.

When I see him at pickleball we talk but there is nothing to his convos.  He just talks to talk.

Last night I met with him regarding taxes and bless his soul, his memory is totally shot on so many things.  Not little things either.  Some major things.  Like how did I have money to pay taxes?  Because he took money from his account and gave it to me to pay taxes back in July.  He was going to take my gutters down and thought he could just pull them loose since the "spikes" holding them in were loose.  I have advised him several times that I had the spikes removed and replaced with actual brackets last October.  He didn't remember. 

It is so sad to see.  My heart bleeds for him.  I have come to realize that it is easier to not be around him and see these things.  Despite all, he is such a good man at heart and I hate seeing him as he is right now.  I will be so excited when the "fog" finally lifts and some sunshine is beaming down on him.   I know he has to find this himself somehow and I can do nothing but block the rays...so I just stay back.  I respond in kind.

If he texts...I answer.  If he snaps...I follow up with a comment or emoji if it is warranted.  When he calls, I answer if I can and if I can't, he gets an auto response just like anyone else. 

Unless it is a necessity, I do not initiate contact.  I make lists of things that need addressed and when opportunity avails itself, I deal with things then.  I try to take on as much as I can on my own without his input at all.


So while H is off in Fantasy Land, I am just worrying about making me the best possible ME I can BE.  There are things I find about me and I face them and deal with them and work hard to improve things.  For example, I have monkey brained about a few things.  I have learned to give myself an honest pep talk when I try to MB.  It is helping.  I am doing less MBing and getting better of snapping out of it quicker.  These are the things I am doing for me.

Patience is another thing I am working on.  Getting better at it too.  Best thing is that I have learned how to give myself a positive pep talk.  There was a time when the thoughts in my head were nothing but negative.  NO MORE.  My outlook in so many ways is so much more positive now that I am not talking down to myself anymore.  YEAH!


So, I hope you are all doing well.  Take care!   Sam


10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #57 on: April 16, 2019, 12:00:05 PM »
So good to hear from you. I admit it - you've always been my 'pick me up' poster - your positivity is so contagious and I always looked forward to your posts.
Glad you are doing well and living life to the fullest.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #58 on: April 16, 2019, 01:13:50 PM »
66....You make my heart melt. 

It is so nice to know that something good is coming out of this mess.

Just keep taking care of yourself 66.   Always always always try to find something good in your life no matter how bleak it may be.

I always believed that no matter how bad my life may be....just look around.  Someone is far worse off.  I have no right to complain when the others who are worse off are managing!

You got this 66.  Will always be there to support you in anyway possible!

Take care of you!   Sam
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #59 on: April 16, 2019, 01:44:01 PM »
Lovely to hear from you Sam.

Your 4 great people sound ideal! Glad H is still ‘as was’, well it would be better if he was back to himself but at least he’s still around!

It’s nice you are too busy to be on here as much but we miss you! It’s difficult when things are the same for months on end but that’s MLC!

You sound good, your H is missing out on a good woman.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #60 on: April 22, 2019, 08:40:00 AM »
Rose:  Thanks for your continued support!  I know that one day H will come to the same realization that you have.  Just the waiting until that happens stinks.

Update on Me:

I have my entire family from the area over for Easter.  Had a great day.  In-laws came and stayed.  Had an egg hunt for Grandson and my sister organized an "adult" egg hunt which was fun and everyone enjoyed.  She stuffed the eggs with lottery tix for the adults.  Great time had by all.  This year I changed up tradition and made a rib roast.  17lbs and all that was left was 3 - 4 steaks at the end of the day.   This is now gonna be a new tradition at Easter.  I am more of a steak than a pork person so I was in heaven.

Dealings with H:

I have come to the conclusion that I can no longer give updates on H.  I no longer know him well enough to even hypothosize on what he is doing, feeling, saying etc.  I can only report on my interactions with him and those reported to me by others.

So...my story left off last Monday night.  I saw him after pickleball and we talked about taxes.

Tuesday:  nothing
Wednesday:  I was working from home.  H stopped in and asked for a tape measure to measure the pad that is needed for the pool pump.  Gave it to him and he was off to do his thing.  He came back and said he stopped in because he didn't know if he had to leave the dogs out of not.  Told him NOPE...I got it today but need you tomorrow and Friday.  In my head I am thinking, if you saw my truck clearly parked in the middle of the driveway, you should have known I was home taking care of the dogs.  He stayed for a bit.  Changing subjects.  Putzing around the kitchen where I was sitting working.  Finally he said to me...What is D doing tonight?  Does she have any plans?  I said I don't know.  He said he was off and might go out to visit and he would reach out to her.

Then he left.  A few hours later, I get a call from my office manager.  She told me that H stopped by the office looking to get in touch with her H.  While there my parents stopped in and they three of them sat in the reception area for about an hour talking. 

A few hours later, my D texted to say that H was going to visit.  He showed up and stayed a little over an hour and then left.  Surprised that he went out there since it would have cut into OW time.

Thursday-Friday:  nothing

Saturday:  There was a holiday fair at my church for the kids.  I didn't think H would show.  The game plan was to meet at D's house.  He didn't show.  As we were heading out he texted to say he was waiting at the church.  We all went out and he was a bit standoffish at first.  Then he came around.  Talked to SIL a fair amount and gave a lot of attention to GS.  Carried him on his shoulders and supported him doing activities.  He was invited to attend church the next day.  He declined as expected.  Said he was going to go to my house early to get some work done.  Jokingly I said "I guess I will allow it."  He jokingly replied back....you won't be there you can't stop me.  Told him I would arm his Dad with a shot gun to stand guard for me.  He laughed then started talking about how his Dad is getting worse and at times doesn't even know who he is.  Sad.  He ended up giving me a ride for my car.  Told me his schedule for the day for work and he was off.  I took another way home.  At a crossroads I pulled out and H ended up behind me.  I saw him make the turn off to go home as he said he would.   Yeah....no lies today.  Little things like this make me happy.

Sunday:  H was a no show early in the am.  Later I found out the his Sister was having issues re: her h's death late last year.  He showed up about 3 hours late.  Stayed 3 hours then suddenly got up and said he was going.  Never said good bye to anyone.  Told me thanks for having him and the food was good.  He made sure his parents had a ride home and he was off.

Sister In Law came back later in the evening for leftovers.  Gave her stuff for H that he said he would come back for.  I was trying to send it home to take away his reasons for needing to stop by this week.  It didn't work.

Today:  My camera alarms go off.  I wasn't expecting anyone.  I turned on my camera and there is H letting the dogs out and going out to mow the lawn.  The same lawn he mowed last Wednesday when he was putzing around the house.  He mowed again today.

Don't get me wrong...I love the free labor.  I love that he is actually committing to a job at the house that needs done.  Although it is taking longer than it should...he is still chipping away at getting the task done and I am letting him do it.  I could have jumped in and had it done by now...he took ownership and I am letting him get it done as long as it is done by my deadline to open the pool.

He volunteered to do some other things at the house too.  I didn't commit.  I guess a lot depends on how long this task takes.  Some things need to be done a lot faster than him giving a few hours willy nilly.  Yesterday he was to dig the pad for the pool pump and take down the spouting and facia.   It didn't get done yesteray when he had the help.  Now that help won't be around.

So that is my life.  H pops in and out now and then.  Does a few jobs around the house and goes away for a time period.

Me...I have no concerns about his popping by.  He has never invaded my privacy and each time he comes by, he looks for something else.  I let him do it.  I appreciate the help caring for the property.  I don't ever expect him to show.  About the time you think he may show, he goes into hiding for awhile.  Then a few snaps later he is back as a volunteer again.

Me:  I am still doing me.  Happy?  Yes...very!  Do I miss H and want him back in my life.  YES.  However, I am content to live my life right now.  Very content.  I know more and more everyday how many strengths I have that I let go long ago.  I see more and more into the past where things started to go awry with H, but I was dealing with my own health issues at the time and more self centered and had a blind eye turned.  I enabled him going into the dark hold by now paying more attention to his life.  He didn't bring this up and I was happy to not have to worry about me and him both.  Little did I know.

I know I didn't cause this.  I can see where this was destined base on something that happned about 20 years ago.  I can also see where we both erred.   Now I am fixing me.  I feel so good abou the person I have become.  I am not done yet.  I will forever want to contine to improve me in little ways.

My heath is coming around and improving.  I am still loosing all the weight that was driving me to become depressed and not care one iota about myself.  Now I care about me but not in the bad self cented away.  I am self focused on improving me overall.  My weight, my health (physical, mental and spiritual).  Taking care of what is mine.  Being there to support D and her family yet taking time for me and the things I enjoy.

One of those new things is pickleball.  Still loving it.  May see H there again tonight.  Time will tell.  Sometimes he goes...sometimes not.  At least he is not avoiding me so completely that he is not going to pickleball on Mondays.  I don't care if he ignores me there.  I am going and looking forward to it weekly.

Hope you all had a great Easter holiday with family, friends and those important to you.  Take care!  Sam
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #61 on: April 22, 2019, 10:10:23 AM »
Sam,

Sounds like a wonderful Easter - I much rather would have a prime rib any day over a ham.
As always you sound good and living your best life.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #62 on: April 23, 2019, 08:02:42 AM »
66:  I am very good and I am living my life.   I saw a quote today and it really struck home.

Quote
"Every minute of your life is like a flowing river.  Once that water flows past you, it is never coming back."


Something good to keep in mind.  I don't want to rue any minutes getting past me at all.


Update on some of H's action from yesterday:


I left off yesterday with H stopping by to mow the lawn.  I went home at lunch time and he had the pool pad dug and ready for cement.  I was floored.

I returned to work and my parents came in.  Turned out H took my mower for gas, then stopped by my parents house to mow their grass.  Then returned to my house to remow the grass because he left some clumps but he needed more gas to finish.  My Dad reported that H volunteered to go back today and help do some work at their house.  I was also tasked by my parents to advise H where the wheelbarrow was that he was looking for.  My Dad had it in his truck.  H said he would go and pick it up.  After he did, he stopped into my office to talk about how much cement he needed.  Today was the first time since last July that he came into my office and sat and talked.  The few times he has stopped by, he usually hangs out in the doorway between me and my secretary's office.  Doesn't come in and def does not sit and stay for a few mins.  Big shocker.  I know it means nothing, but for the first in a long time, it seemed normal.

I get to pickle ball last night and H showed up early.  As I was walking in, he pulled into the parking lot.  I decided to wait for him.  When he approached, I thanked him for the gas, the mowing and the pad that he went back and finished up with the cement.  Told him how happy I was with everything.  He then proceeded to tell me about all he did during the day.

We were the first ones there, so we worked together to set up the court.  Then we warmed up on the same court but I made sure we were on opposite sides of the net.  After our first round, we both had a break and he actually took a chair beside me and talked some more.  I offered to repay him for the gas and he refused so I thanked him for that.  We talked more about pickleball.  Then his sister came and we all talked about Easter and pictures.

After round two, he sat elsewhere because there were no chairs near me...I let him go.   When I was heading to my court for round 3...I overheard him telling the young mother near him how he and I worked different schedules to keep babysitting to a min when the kids were younger.  Also used grandparents as much as possible.  I couldn't believe he was talking about us.  To the best of my knowledge, no one there knows we are married.  I didn't tell anyone.  I didn't know what he wanted people to know.

After round 3 he once again took a seat near me and we talked more.  Just about things.  It was the first time since last July that he really talked and smiled and joked.  It felt very normal in an abnormal sort of way.

End of the night, he announced he was leaving and not staying for open court.  I stayed a bit.  When I saw it was going to be over 30 mins to get on a court, I decided to take off.  As I am walking out, he was standing at the exit.  I told him goodnight and kept walking.  He came up behind me and walked out to the parking lot with me.  He asked me to call my dad and make arrangements to meet tomorrow.  I nicely told him NO.  I told him I am not telling you what to do but you should call because I don't want to spend my night calling back and forth between the two of them making arrangements.  He said he would do it if my dad didn't call him.

We chatted a few mins then we both left.

This AM, I ran into my Dad at a local diner.  He told me that H called this am but my Dad cancelled because the top soil was too muddy to be able to spread it so they have to wait a few days for it to dry out.  I was floored that H called but happy.

So H is really weird again and in this cycle he is being Helpful Harry.  It is nice, but there is a part of me that is wondering what he is up to.  Why is he being so nice?  What for bomb is he getting ready to drop again?   All those little voices saying you can't trust any of this.  Those voices are right.  I can't trust YET.  That is the key...YET.  Someday in the future I will be able to.  I can't wait until that day comes when I can quiet all the little voices that are keeping up the red flags. 


10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #63 on: April 29, 2019, 08:57:53 AM »
Good morning!  Today is my 18 month bomb-a-versary!

So hard to believe that I started this journey 18 mos ago.  Looking back...WOW...have things changed!

H Then:                                                                                      H Now:

-Left suddendly.  Lots of spew!                                                     -Talks civilly.  No spew!
-Moved in with OW full time for 4 months                                     -Living with sister:  Possibly have OW slumber parties at her place
-Living in OW's house with plans to move to MO with her               -OW living in daughters basement.  H helping her find her own apt
-Totally dedicated to OW.  She is a good person.                           -In contact with OW's.  Cheating on OW now????
-Drinking heavily!  Very overt                                                       -Occasional social drinker now at least at the surface.  Covert???
-Never coming home                                                                  -Doesn't talk about anything personal.  Drops hints only.
-Barely talked to me for months.                                                 - Talks occasionally.  Weird snaps in between.
-Didn't visit for the holidays. Came afterwards for leftovers.          -Visited for every holiday since Thanksgiving
-Very seldom would stop by the house.  Only did so when OW       -Stops by the house to do things several times a week.  OW working.
  was working.  Would leave anytime she called.
-Very secretive with phone.  Never let it lay.                                 -Will let phone lay and walk away.  Still locked when not in use.
-Was constantly texting, especially OW.                                        - Occasional texts when visiting.
-Would sit and play games on phone when visiting GSon.              -Playing less games.  Pays more attention to the kids.
-Hated his parents.  Nothing nice to say!                                     - Speaks of parents in a more caring way.  Yet still a bit distant.
-Seemed indifferent anytime we were alone.                                -Seems nervous when we are alone.
-Gave up hobbies. Hunting, knife making and mowing grass.         -Slowly trying some old hobbies.  Cutting grass and talk of knife
                                                                                                 making.
-Constant lies, avoidance and secrecy.                                         -Less lies but still very secretive.  Avoidance is still there.
-Occasional stops to D's house to visit GKids                                -Stops by my house to see gkids when they are there.
-Wouldn't talk to my parents.  Too embarrassed.                          -Talks to my parents on and off.  Cutting their grass again. 
-Avoided my parents at all cost.  They treated him like a son!        -Volunteers to help my parents.  Sometimes he forgets to show.
-Sat in chair and hardly did anything.                                          -Walking and playing pickleball.
-Wouldn't do anything at our home!                                            -Looks for things to do at our home.
-Wanted a divorce.  No doubt in his mind.                                    -Doesn't want a divorce.  Reason:  I would loose healthcare and he
                                                                                                 won't do that to me.
-Big time shark eyes.  Unable to smile.                                        -No shark eyes for awhile.  Able to smile now and then, especially
                                                                                                when he is around grandkids.  Loves G Daughter.  Missed her birth.
-Very silent.                                                                             -His talking can make your headspin.  Bounces from subject to
                                                                                                subject.
-Hated his job.  He ended up quitting.  Never doing it again.        -Not in love with his job but recognizes the benefits.  Returned to the
                                                                                               job he hated.
Things in H that are the same:

-OW is still there in some manner.  Don't know how.  Don't care.  I know it won't last.  He is looking for other woman now.  That means the thrill has worn off and he needs to cheat on the OW to get his "high" again!
-I am sure he would lie if I gave him opportunity.  I don't.  I don't feed into his drama.
-He is still secretive.  Likes to drop hints about things.  I won't ask.  I just act like I never heard the hint come out of his mouth.
-He is still in replay.  Running and avoiding.  Still trying to find that elusive happiness.  Gave up a lot of the "bad" replay activities.  Trying to get healthy again now.  More active and back into trying to loose weight.  He had packed on a ton of pounds before BD.
-Still has some pics with the "paralyzed" smile. 
-Still not interested in anything that doesn't concern him. 

Changes in me...

I am independent.
I have lost weight...lots of it.  Not only from the LBS diet but I continued to work at it.
I am more confident.
I know so much about MLC and I am learning more and more all the time.  I trust the process.
I have become healthy again physically, mentally and spiritually.
I have learned about control!
I have learned to let go of so many things.
I have learned how to listen more and talk less.
I have looked hard at myself and my faults and I accept them and change what I can.
I am optimistic again.
I am active again.  Walking, playing pickleball.  I even ran a 5k.  No more of those....I have a bad knee.  Walking only!  Bummer!
I have made some great LBS friends who I know I can call anytime I am in need.
I have learned how to not take anything personally.
I have learned patience.  (This is still an ongoing lesson!)
I have traveled.
I have taken care of the house pretty much on my own and I am proud of it.
I have taken H off the shelf I put him on and instead put up a box with our marriage up there to replace it.
I have learned how hard it is to forgive but also how cleansing it is to forgive.
I have learned unconditional love for others.
I have learned to take time for me.
I have discovered that I LOVE massages!  This is a new addiction for me.
I have learned that I don't need to impress anyone.  Accept me as I am or not.  Their choice.  Those that don't...their loss!
I have learned to laugh again after months of wallowing and bawling.
I have learned how awesome my family and friends are and I owe them so much!
I have found supportive people where I never thought I would find them.
I know I want my H back one day.  Not the man that he is in replay.  Even with changes, I am willing to accept him.
I have realized that at this time, I no longer know my H.  He is a stranger walking in the body of my H.  I accept him for who and what he is at this time and I will let him alone to do whatever it is he needs to do to get past all of this.
I have learned that it is ok to lean on others during time of weakness.
I have determined that I really really really hate to cut grass.  Would rather clean a bathroom over cutting the grass.

I have said it before and I will say it again.   I do not like MLC or the results of it.  However, I can not overlook the positives that have come out of this for me.  Too many more to mention but those above are the biggest.

No matter what, I will find a way to be happy and grateful.  There is always a positive in everything.  Just need to look harder sometimes to find it but it is there.

To all newbies:  Know you will get through this too.  Don't focus on 6 mos or 1 year or 18 mos etc.  Concentrate on getting through each second, minute, hour day at a time.  Once it is done, that is one less day you will have to go through.  One more day behind you.  Before long, you will find the months and years are going going gone.  Keep in mind the big picture for the future, but don't sweat the little things happening now because they mean nothing.

Learn how to focus on yourself and your kids.  Learn how to forgive and let go!  Detach....yes it does you a world of wonder and you get there slowly but it is so worth it when you find.  Don't worry about loosing the love.  You can keep that.  Just learn how to not let his actions affect you.  Observe that big rollercoaster ride....but don't buy a ticket!

Do I see an end to this?  At this time, no.  I can see where he has made progress.  I have seen things get worse, then better, then worse again.  I feel like he is more stable now living with his sister than he has been for the last 18 months but even now I feel like he could go off the deep end again anytime.  I feel like he comes close now and then for a few hours and then had to cycle away for days and weeks at a time.  I let him!  He seems to like the "family times" at the holidays and doesn't seem "rushed" to leave most of the time...yet he can only handle so much.  I see him stopping by the house more than he thinks I know.  I go home to find little things done.  I thank him for the big things and let the little things slide.  He doesn't want me to know so I am not drawing it to his attention. 

This is a learning experience for sure!



10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Acorn

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #64 on: April 29, 2019, 09:21:58 AM »
Quote
No matter what, I will find a way to be happy and grateful.  There is always a positive in everything.  Just need to look harder sometimes to find it but it is there.

Sam, there in lies one of the main reasons for your ability to heal, march forward and grow.  Imagine how you would be right now had you wallowed in victimhood.  You learned that no one, except you, could make yourself heal, grow and learn.  That was the ‘positive’ you found in my view. You applied the same logic to your MLCer and let him alone to work through his own crisis. 

So happy for you, Sam! :)
« Last Edit: April 29, 2019, 09:28:40 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #65 on: May 07, 2019, 11:09:15 AM »
Acorn:  thank you....yes....I had to heal.  I had to do it for me.  I didn't like being sad and missing out on life.  I love life!

So...over the last week...not much has changed at all.  We are sort of status quo right now.

I still come home to find the Lawn Elves have mowed my grass.  I also hear from H  "I do it because I LOVE to cut grass".  This was one of the things that went by the wayside.  He also now says "I love the dogs".  I love the grandkids.

However he doesn't say to the grandkids....I LOVE YOU....will hold them but not a lot of affection.  Not a lot of hugs or kisses for them.  So the normal outward signs of loving are still missing even though he says occasionally...I love this that or the other things.  Sad...very sad!  He used to LOVE showing affection to grandson.  Holding him and hugging him...now...just holding.

Another change I noticed was that H used to hate his job.  To the point where he quit and ran off and was never going to drive again.   Prior to retirement, his dream was to drive truck.  Something he always wanted to do.  So he had actually lost that love and pride too.  Now he is getting pride back in his job.  Says he tries not to miss work unless he has to.  Although he doesn't like a lot of the runs to the city...he does them without griping.  I remember a time when he thought they gave him all the crappy runs just to annoy him.  Now he say it is just the computer assigning the jobs based on how many miles you need to maximize the week. 

I have actually had some one on one time with H without family.  We had some projects to work on at the house.  He volunteered to help and gave me his schedule so I could coordinate.  We worked together well as always.  He seem so stinking normal.  Talked normally...not the nervous talk where his mouth would run like a ducks butt and he really wouldn't say anything.  Actually talked and stayed on topic.

Advised me that he has some things to do around the house and he is going to get some of them done while I am on vacation visiting son.  Said he has a whole week to get some stuff done.  Wow!

There were several times when he asked me my opinion on what I wanted done with a task and on another he actually inquired about something I did and wanted more info on how it went.  I didn't volunteer any info.  He asked....I specifically answered what he asked only.  This is new for me. 

I can't control how much I type...can you guess I like to talk at times too.  HA HA

As for me....I just ran a successful fundraising campaign and I am tired.  It was so much fun to pull it together and reap the rewards.  Onto the next one.  Things like this are great to keep me busy and not sitting in front of the boob tube too much.  Biggest benefit...I get to do something for others!  Sweet!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #66 on: May 08, 2019, 10:50:53 AM »
Sounding great Sam - bottle it all up and sell it on ebay - I will be your first customer :)
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #67 on: May 14, 2019, 11:56:02 AM »
66 - You are so sweet!  Hugs to you!

There is nothing to sell.  It is all inside you...just release the happiness beast!  Find joy anywhere you can!  Don't overlook the small things....they add up.  You got this!  We all do!


Update:

Not much to update.  Still in a same old cycle it seems.

H goes quiet for a few days then pops up with a few snaps or a text or something.  Usually something old and familiar. A landmark, a memory things like that.    Every now and again there will be a phone call or a short visit then a few days of no contact again.

A few small changes right now is he has taken the initiative to go see the grandkids at least 1 time each week 3 of the last 4 weeks.  He has been doing this on one of his nights off.  This just melts my heart...I just fear that he will do this for awhile and then pull away again.  He has done it before.  The older the grandson gets the more he wants pap around.  The more he calls....the more he wants visits.   For the kids sake....I hope he finds a way to stay in their lives.

Lately he has been talking to me more about things he wants to do at the house.  To me it almost seems like he is using it as a reason to reach out or to stop by.

For example:

Yesterday he was going to come by the house during the day to get his truck.  Said he would let the dogs out since he had to stop by.   I come home from work and truck is still there.  Thought nothing of it.  It was raining and he needed his truck to do a lawn job.

That evening, I get a text he is stopping by to get his truck.  Be there in 20 mins.  Ok...so he comes by.  Talks about the yard, the pool, his dentist appt, goes through the mail, signs a doc I needed signed and takes off.


Today he was not stopping by the house.  I went home during the lunch break to put the dogs out and H is there mowing the lawn.  He also did some things I mentioned yesterday I was gonna get done.  He motioned for me to hold on and he got off the mower to talk about the pool gates.  Told me he wanted to run something by me.


I know these things mean nothing and they are really odd when in MLC.  These things are just odder than I am used to.   I want to let my mind wonder and convince myself he is coming around.  However, I realize this is just him in the stage he is in right now.  I can also observe him and still things are not right.  He is acting like that kid that is doing things to get positive feedback from an adult.  Good job Johnny!  I like that idea!  Kudos...keep it up! 

So this is paving the way to me....giving him the feel good feelings of accomplishing something!  Don't get me wrong...if I don't like the thought...I will voice my opinion...just now I do it in a more politically correct manner.  See...I am growing up too!

When he is around me, things are more relaxed.  Convos right now tend to be about what he can do around the house.  He keeps showing up to the house unannounced and does things like cut the grass or started to put out the pool pump.  He checks in weekly to see when he can put the dogs out for me.   I manage to find a day or two that work for him and let him do it.  He keeps telling me he wants to cut the grass for me too.   I try to thank him and listen to the ideas he has about changes around the house.  Those I like I encourage him to follow up on.  Those I am not sure about, I ask questions to better understand and make suggestions and we seem to find a middle ground that makes us both happy!


So that is where we are.  He comes off as fairly normal.  He will have eye contact occassionally but typically looks over my head or to the side of me or to a far distance item very quickly.   Then back for a second and then away again for a while. 

The only thing he has been consistant on is stopping by a few times a week to put the dogs out and stopping by to mow the grass and look for other things to do around the house.



I still feel when he is around that he is not easy with me being there so I try to steer clear.  I don't push.  I let him decide when to come by and when to call.  I support him when he does volunteer and I thank him for the help!

I occassionally will text logistical info but whenever possible I usually try to save it for a time when he reaches out.



As for me....I am still focusing on me.  Have some minor health issues that require a specialist but it is nothing to worry about.  I told my kids about it but not H.  He doesn't ever ask about me or I would bring it up.  I am not gonna drop it on him if he doesn't seem to care.  Nothing he can do about it anyhow.

I have some plans for the upcoming weeks.  A vacation.  A winery trip with some special friends.  A few concerts.  Volunteering at some functions.  Some fundraisers for some groups I like to work with.  Goona be super busy but I am also looking forward to everything I will be doing.


I can say I am content at this time.  I know the "LULL" that H is in right now won't last.  I don't know what has brought it on but it is nice.  I just have to keep my guard up because I know he still has a LOOOOOOONG way to go.  My way of supporting him through this is just letting him go and do what he needs to do. 

No R talks.  I avoid asking him for things when I can.  I just sit back and watch the show!

Hope all you mom's and Mom Dad's had a great day on Sunday!  I got to hang with my family and made a picnic lunch.  Simple but fun for all!

Take care all!



I look back over the last 18 plus months and at times I can't believe the personal growth I have had.  Sometimes I wonder if I am going too far.

For example:  I see the things that H does and all I do is smile and shake my head and say WTF to myself.  I know I still love him but the anxiety is gone.  The worries are gone.  I am not totally numb because I know there is still love there....but I no longer feel reactive.  Just shake my head, shrug my shoulders, say whatever and keep going.

I suppose this is all good from my point of view.  I see this all as healing.   

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #68 on: May 20, 2019, 12:11:45 PM »
Updates:

H is in a very weird cycle right now.  For the past 8 days, he has found a reason to stop by the house.  It may have even been longer but I  don't recall the exact day it started.

H is coming by the house daily, even days when I tell him I don't need help with the dogs.

Twice he has managed to be there when I was going home to take care of the dogs.  Then he leaves when I leave.  Right now he is mainly putzing around the yard and helping to open the pool.  Today I go home at lunch and he is cleaning the pool.  Says he stopped by for mower blades.  An hour before this I told him I was out of my meeting early and I would be home in time to take care of the dogs.  He said ok and went on talking about other things.

The nice things about his close cycling right now is that I can see how "off" he really is yet I can also see some of the "old" H in the mix too.

Right now he is less tied to his phone but I still have a major case of the cooties. I did get a fist pump last week.  LOL

He is suddenly sharing things about what he is doing.  Who he is walking with, how far he is walking, when he works and where he is going.  Things about himself he has not shared.

Still getting odd snaps, the other day it was from where he is staying...things like this he has not shared with me in a loooooong time.

Still visiting grandkids.  Actually used them as an excuse to come by the house yesterday.

He is joking more, but it is reserved joking.  Still not the free fun moments we used to share.

Announced yesterday he plans on stopping by everyday this summer to take a swim before he goes to work.  (Remember, in my state, I can't stop him unless he is being violent or disrespectful, then I have to ask the courts to intercede - He is being neither)


He is actually calling and talking for a few minutes on occassion vs texts and snaps.

He is still the King of Snaps.  Last night it was another walk down memory lane.

Today he was actually nosy enough to ask why I was traveling and when I told him ti was to see a Dr he wanted more info.  Then just as quickly he changed to another subject.  He has not asked anything about me in a long time and I don't volunteer info unless he asks.


So...things are generally weird and I know we still have a long way to go so I am not pinning any hopes to his activities.  I feel that that this time, there are OW issues and I see that as a reason shy he is bouncing back so suddenly.  I am being cordial but still keeping my guard up.  Letting him just be him and I keep doing me things.



So me things are hectic....I leave on vacation soon to see my son and his fiance.  Can't wait.  H is house sitting for me.  Hope he spring cleans while he is there.  I need all my blinds taken down and outside to hose off the winter dust.  Think I am getting my hopes too high?  Ha ha!

Anyhow...keeping busy and enjoying my life as it is right now.  Things are going well.  Minor health issues are getting addressed and fixed so I have nothing I can complain or gripe about besides all the rain.  A few more sunny days to heat up the pool would be excellent. 


Wishing everyone the best!  Until later.....Sam.



10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #69 on: May 21, 2019, 03:13:24 PM »
Hey Sam! Look at you getting a fist bump 🤜 🤛 things are looking up!

Ha ha - hope he builds on it but who knows!

Glad H is house sitting while you travel, is he watching the dogs too? Or do you take them?  I’ll be very impressed if he cleans your blinds but you never can tell during MLC!

Will that he around a year since he left Sam? Last summer I am thinking.  You are handling this like a champ, it’s all just so crazy though isn’t it.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #70 on: June 03, 2019, 09:03:42 AM »
Rose  - He house watched and watched the dogs both.  Didn't touch the blinds.  All is good.  I'll take them down and outside some sunny Saturday to clean them with the hose. 

He left July 14th of last year.  Coming up on a year soon.  Hard to believe.  Yes it is cray cray for sure.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Updates:

I come to realize in the last few days just how much I have changed in the last 18 plus months.

I went on vacation last week.  Flew by myself to Arizona.  There was a time when this would have caused angst and anxiety.  Not now.  I just enjoyed.

I was a lister....anytime I was doing something...I would start months in advance planning and writing out and reviewing and revising lists to make sure everything was perfect and nothing forgotten.  Guess what....no lists this time.  NONE!  Only a few in my mind like don't forget meds and power cords over and over since they were part of the last things packed.   

While traveling, I would never have dared to talk to strangers.  This time I was stuck to due delays.  I talked to strangers near me.  On the flight, I talked to the sweet ladies beside me vs putting in my earbuds and ignoring the world.

While visiting my son, I wanted to hang out at the pool and he didn't.  So I went down on my own.  There was a time when I never would have gone there on my own.  I was too insecure.  My brain would have been reeling...who is watching me?  Do I look too bad in this suit?  Are those people over things talking about me?  Laughing at me?  Ignoring me because I am too fat and ugly and I don't fit in?    I hate to admit it but this was the crap in my head....I was in sad shape with little confidence and a high amount of insecurity.

Now....I went...I enjoyed....I people watched....I didn't for me and not once did I wonder what those around me thought.  Didn't cross my mind.

My son was telling me about a possible career change.  There was a time when I would have been leary about this. I would have projected my fears about his life choices onto him.   I came right out and told him...it is your life.  I trust you to do what is best for you.  Just let me know if you need any thing  from me.  I actually saw him breathe a sigh of relief.


So, these are some of the blessings that I have gotten from MLC.  I truly have become the person I used to be before I lost it all.  Sadly, I don't know when I lost it.  It just crept up over years and years of self abuse.  I was my own worse enemy.  Never again.  I will always find the positive in others and now also myself.  I will accept errors and learn from them and not regret them.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Update on H:

He volunteered to house and dog sit and did so while I was on vacation.  When I got back:

1.  He completed the pool gate and was so happy about it. 
2.  He cleaned my fish tank.  This wasn't planned.  Made me happy!
3.  He disconnected my security system while he was staying at the house.
4.  He occassionally texted and snapped but heard very little from him.  However, the kids reported he was in touch with them a lot.
5.  He called and talked to me while I was driving home.
6.  He stayed over at the house Thursday night, even though he didn't need to.  I was home Thurs night and left again mid day Fri for round 2 of holiday time!
7.  Stayed up and talked to me some about the trip.
8.  Friday he stayed at the house and talked to me about an hour when no one else was there.  Talked about work and people he worked with and things he was doing.  Actually went into some detail about some things.  Hasn't done this for a long long time.
9.  He will occassionally call and talk now vs texting all the time.  Not long, not often but we talked more in the last month than we did the entire last year on the phone.
10.  He apologized for not getting more done.  Said he was happy with what he did get done but he set his goals to high.
11.  There is still more stuff to do at the house and he plans on coming over to do it.
12.  He talks in weird circles - will say something about me getting things done such as mowing...telling me how and when to do it.  Then circles back around and says he will be over to take care of it.
13.  Refers to "the house" and occassionally calls it "home".  Ex:  I'll go to the the house to let the dogs out.  Then says another time, I'll be at home mowing so I'll let the dogs out.
14.  His cycle of visiting the grandkids weekly seems to be coming to an end.  It was a longer cycle back to them this time.
15.  When I returned home, he was telling me how to take care of some things at the house.  Hmmm  He doesn't know I already do these things.  I just smile and nod.  Not worth getting into a pissing contest about.
16.  H used to make contact then go weeks with no contact....now it is down to days in between.
17.  My gut tells me there are still ow's involved. To what extent, I don't know.  I know when he would have been visiting with OW's, he was taking time to visit kids or hanging at the house.  I can only hope and pray it is the beginning of the break down.  Time will tell and I have learned not to concentrate on it but on other things.


So...I see he is making changes but I still don't see changes if that makes sense.  Convos are still about him.  Only on occassion does he ask about others....not just me...but kids parents etc.  He wants to talk about his job, his work, his co workers his parents, his mowing yet there is still an air of secrecy.  Doesn't volunteer what he does outside of generalitites.  Doesn't fill in all the blanks on things he does.  There are still things he doesn't bring up.  He is guarded I guess I would say.  Yet I am too.  I don't volunteer info.  He can ask...I will answer but I don't volunteer.

He is getting really tight financially.  Spending less money.  Shopping for best buys.  In a way, he is becoming his father.  Mannerisms and spending habits.  This is something he always said he never wanted to be.  He didn't want to be like his dad.  Guess what........

He has cut back on his drinking, yet when he drinks.....he drinks.  Not a beer or two...hard stuff.  He drinks to "feel good".

He is kind and curteous to my face, yet I feel it is fake sometimes.  I feel that he just wants to go off but he holds it back.  This is my gut...I have nothing to base this on.  Just a feeling a get.  Then other times, he comes off as very sincere and wants to be helpful and wants me to know things.  I would go as far as saying that there are times when he seems two faced.   Nice to me but goes to the next lunch table and bashes me to the other kids.   Just really weird.  Anybody else get this?  I guess I would have to guess this is due to living in two worlds right now.  He is visiting mine yet still has the OW in the other world and he is trying to find a balance.  For the longest time, he didn't come into my world.   Now he is a little but mostly living in the neutral zone with his sister.

 Just a strange weirdness that I sense from him.  I can't really describe it.  Weird.  My daughter uses the same adjective to describe him after some of her interactions with him.  She says he is either normal or weird in a way she can't put her finger on.


So, I am at a point where I have given up on any and all expectations.  Even when he says he will do something, I don't consider it done until it is done.   I can sit back and observe him when he is in proximity and make note of things, but there is not emotion there.  There is still hope that he is progressing and hope that this will end someday...hopefully sooner than later.  I can really look to the future and see brightness for me.  I see friends and activities and me getting involved within the community more and more.  There is a part of me that feels bad for H and wish he has not made the choices he made.  I feel bad that he has to deal with the guilt and shame about his choices and hope and pray that he can put some of this behind him one day.

My biggest fears are not for me.  They are for him.  His regrets and his loses and his shame to deal with.  He really was a good man and I hope he can find the good man again in him again.  The man he is now...is pretending to be good.  There is something almost detestable about him right now.  Not evil but not a good side of him right now that seems to be bubbling right below the surface.  Like he is fighting to keep this "'bad side" from emerging, yet the presense of it is lurking in the shadows just waiting for an opportunity to come out and do more damage.


Enough of him.  All is good in my MLC world.  Can it be better...always...but that is up to me to improve upon.  Me and no one else! 

Take care all!



10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #71 on: June 04, 2019, 09:35:46 AM »
So things keep getting stranger and stranger!

Last night I get a call from H.  He talked to me for 1hr and 30 mins while he was working.  I have to assume there was no one else to talk too.  Most everyone was probably asleep.  I was the one that was still up.

He called on the pretense of talking about the pool and some things he did to the pool during the day yesterday. Then he just kept going on like the energizer bunnie.  Just talking.

Asked me why my car was in the shop.
Told me to not worry about the dogs, he and his sister would make sure they were out any day I needed help.
Talked about work.
Dropped a hint that he was working....I took the bait because he doesn't normally work on a Monday.  I stated that is odd you are working on a Monday.
H informed me he asked off for this Saturday so he could go to a friends party.  This could be true...I don't know.  This is the same friend whose name he dropped anytime he lied to me in the past.
H informed me that he can't go and see the grandkids tomorrow because same friend is also having a party at 5 pm tonight.  Funny thing that friend is having a party Tues and Sat this week.  Also the party is starting at the same time that OW1 gets off work.  The same time he would always go off radar in the past when he was "unable" to visit the grandkids.  I am just shaking my head and smiling and would love to reach through the phone and slap him, but I bit my tongue and just let him keep talking.
Told me about grass jobs he has.
Told me about how he got his sister some statues.
Told me about how his mower is down until next week and he is "borrowing" mine.  He did ask to use it last week and I gave him permission.
He talked a lot about nothing but these are the highlights.
Volunteered his truck to me so I can move some stuff for my parents.

I was floored that he called to talk for starters. 
I was floored that he talked as long as he did.
I was disappointed that he is regressing back to lying.  He has not used this excuse of being with friend J  since June of last year...now it seems that he is regressing back to lying while at the same time telling me other things.  Sad....very sad.

So many questions that I know there are not answers to.  Why call?  Why take care of the dogs?  Why do work at the house?  Why is there still ows?  When will you deal with your crap and come out of this? 

I am far enough along to know not to waste my time with these questions....yet they are still there.  H's actions are puzzeling. 
He acts so stinking normal for a few mins.  Then he doesn't.
Then he acts distant.  Then he acts like we are besties.
Then there seems to be a simmering anger under the surface.  Then he is nice and friendly.
Then there is a bit of normal.  Then he acts like his Dad. 
Then he acts childish.  Then he is seeking responsibility.
Then he is telling me about himself.  Then he is secretive. 
He is honest then he is lying.
He tells me about the his "new" work friends.  He then bashes some of these people.
He tells me he is avoiding drinking.  Then I hear when he drinks he hits hard stuff to "feel good".
He regularly visits the family.  He suddenly stops.

Poor guy!

There was a time when this would have sent me reeling.  OMG...he is coming back.  OMG...he hates me again.  OMG...there is still an OW and he LUVS her.  Yeah.....I was there at one time.

Now....I smile....I shake my head.  I make note for purposes of looking back.  I move along my way and prepare for the next round.  I prepare by letting it all go and not hanging hopes on his shennanigans.  I recognize that he is gonna do this again and again and again and right now it means nothing.  If I try to find something in it, I am only setting myself up for a let down.

So...smile and move along!  He contact is more frequent but there is no substance to it.  Not to mention that the convos are all about him and his life.  Don't dare try to talk about me or things I am doing for the family.  It's all about talking about H and whatever it is he wants to talk about.

To be quite honest, I feel as if we have circled back to the first few months after BD.  Those days where he would call when no one else was available and talk for extended periods of time but only talk about his interests.  He was clearly living in two worlds then.  Visiting me behind the back of the OW.  Calling when alone.  Or leaving the house to call or text me when OW was around.  He would go on so many coffee runs.  That was his way of getting away to reach out to me.

Now it seems that the calls lately have been when no one else was available.  He is no longer living with the OW but she is still there.  She is also starting to reference him on social media.  She didn't do this until the last few weeks.  Now she is suddenly commenting on his posts or tagging him.   I don't follow this.  People are telling me.  I can't care about it.  I have to trust that there are issues there.  I don't get to see them.  I have to trust the process that cracks are developing.  I base this on:
1.  He is no longer living with her.  If he were in LUV, don't you think he would find a way to live with her?
2.  He takes some time that used to be spent with her and devotes some to the family and less to her.
3.  He has more frequent contact with me and family.  For a period of time, we didn't exist.
4.  He is trying to be more helpful to family.
5.  He is volunteering to help with dogs and house and is thanking me for letting him do some of these things.
6.  He is the one reaching out when we go a day or two without communication.  Usually about something irrelevant. 

All this being said, I know that in 2 mins he can hate me again and not communicate for months and months and months again.   Oh well,  his loss!

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #72 on: June 05, 2019, 02:35:44 AM »
Not sure WHICH one is more representative of h...

or
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #73 on: June 07, 2019, 07:26:10 AM »
UM:  Ha ha!  He fits both of those!  He is going in circles for sure!

This week has been more of the weird contact situations.

Each day this week he has managed to either call or stop by for some reason.  Far cry from July to Oct of 18 when he ignored me with the exception of 2 phone calls, a few brief encounters and a few texts.


From Oct 18 to May of 19, communication was primarily snaps, texts, igs on a hit and miss basis and visits for holidays and special occassions but only when the "crew" was already at the house.

He has managed to stop by the house almost every day when no on is there for about the last 2 ot 3 weeks and do something.


Things he is done that has no relevance:

Wed:  Called to tell me my stone pavers are looking nice. There was no reason for the call.   Stopped by the house later in the day to swap vehicles since he is leaving one at the house right now.
Thur:  Called to talk to me about direct TV problems with my parents and then to  tell me he was stopping by at 930 at night to swap out vehicles again due to getting a job where he needed his truck and mower and trailer.  Keep in mind, he didn't have to do this that night.  It could have been done early the next day as I am an early riser.    Told me he planned on being off work by then and that he had to be to work by 1 and had only an hour to get ready for work.   He said he was worried about waking me coming by that late.  Told him no worries...I wouldn't be home by then anyhow.  I heard the startle in his reactions then he put 2 and 2 together and said...Oh...are you going with D to the concert tonight.  Yes I am I told him.  HA HA.  His favorites artists and I get to see them because he didn't want to go with D to see them.  His loss!  My gain!

I noticed he is starting to share bits and pieces of his work schedule more.  I won't ask when he drops hints....sometimes he shares more and sometimes less.

What does all this mean?   Means he is more and more confused.  I am just letting him at this time.  As I stated before, he is cycling in but there is an underlying negativity that i sense.  Almost like a rip current under a beautifully flowing river.  Nice and serene on top, but the water is flowing through a channel underneath at a fast and dangerous level that can suck you under quickly if one is not careful.   Is it him or me having my guard up.  Probably a little of both.  I won't open myself up yet because I am not seeing any substantial improvement.  I see him trying but yet not really trying.  Everything is superficial.  Make sense?   

This is what I am sensing so for me...it is still best to take the position of stand back and observe but don't participate in his shennigans. 

Wishing all of you a wonderful weekend.  Mine is crazy busy and loving it!  Have a fundraising event going on for a group near and dear to me. 

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #74 on: June 10, 2019, 11:55:31 AM »
Go figure....I put it out there that his communication is up and POOF....it goes away.  Ha Ha!  Tis MLC!

So Wed he stopped by with cousin.  Thur to Saturday....nothing.  He even ignored calls from GS and didn't bother to call him back.

Sunday....He's back!   Why the down?  Who knows but I know 100% certain that Saturday when he went off grid the OW was with him.  There is FB pics to prove it which is funny because he is trying to avoid FB even to the point of closing it down and it was his own sister who took the pics and posted them.   It hurt a tad as this is the first public pics that have surfaced.  Yet, when I really looked at the pics and had a third unbiased person give me an opinion....if you didn't know they were a couple, you wouldn't even know they were there together.  Not standing close or being loving in any manner.  Not a large group of people at this gathering and the ones that were there were a motley crew.  Many of the ladies were dressed in a "trashy" manner.  Like tank tops and no bra type of dress.  Don't want to bash....just painting picture that the dress code not even to par with the People of Wal-Mart dress code.  Enough from me on this.

So he took her to a public event on Saturday...avoided family Saturday. 

Sunday I get a call from my Dad who is dropping off equipment for H and dad volunteered to do some of the work if I knew what needed done.  I dropped H a text and told him to call my Dad to discuss with him.  He calls me.  Tells me what he wants done.  He didn't call my Dad.

Later my dad did a boo boo and since it affected H...I sent him a text letting me know.

Later in the evening we talked about it....then talked about other things and spent near an hour on the phone.

Things he said during the convo:

-Talked about some financial goals he has.
-Talked about the party he went to and who he say there and who asked about me.  Of course I wondered if OW was there to hear that convo...his friends asking about me! LOL
-Told me now to worry about the issue that occurred and said "we will get through this"
-Told me that he considered selling his mc but then decided not to since it is the only things that brings him joy in his life and it is theurapudic to him.  very sad statement.
-Told me that he is not gonna take on any more lawn jobs once the ones he has are done.  Said he is just tired of always being on the run.  He drives 8 to 13 hours a day when he works and on his off days he just runs around and he is tired of running and rushing to get things done. 
-Told me that yesterday morning he didn't do anything.  Up until it was time to go to work, he just sat around and did nothing.  Saturday he got up, did a bike run that he committed to back in March and then went to a party.  He was just on the run all day long.
-He was in a mode where one time he said it was ours...another it was mine or his.  One time it was we then it was you gotta do this.  Really weird bouncing.

Finally we were done and I said to him...sounds like you have been doing a lot of thinking.  He said...Yeah!  I said it is ok and you will figure it out.  Whatever you decided, I am here to support you.   Another yeah from him and then he suddenly had to go and that was the end of things.

First time since he left in July of 18 that he actually said some insightful things to me.  Biggest thing that hit me is that his bike brings him his only joy.  Not the OW.  (Silent O Heck Yeah)  Now the Grandkids...really sad moment.  I knew I am not the bearer of joy so that was not a disappointment there.  Just sad that he can't find any joy in his life and his mc when he is riding alone is the only time. 

So...what does all this mean?   Nothing at all.  Absolutely nothing and I have to face that and not read anything into it.  I have read other stories here and I recognize that this could be IT...but chances are it is just part of the process and he is cycling hard in a mode.  I believe there are issues with the OW that come and go.  When she is fully engrossed in his life....his family can't be.  When she is not as important as aspect, then his family finally has a place in his life.  One or the other.  Hot and cold. 

I can be thankful that he does turn back to family when he turns away from OW but it is only a matter of time until he turns back.  He is making more calls and less texts which is more along his normal mode of operating....but he is no where close to being out of the woods.  He is just trudging along.

Progress?   Yes there is progress as described.  Not positive but the moving forward type of progress.  He is still not the man I knew.

He is still big into doing things around the house.  He was by today to work with SIL on the boo boo from my dad.  He fixed something else and made sure I was aware of it.  Then he came to the office and helped me to move things from one of the apartments and he took stuff to recycing for me. 

He is really big into doing things and I don't want him to feel obligated to do anything.  If he wants to do something , I won't stop him but I don't want him doing out of guilt or any other reason. He just seems drawn to the house. Stopping by on a semi regular basis and doing things.  When he can't get by, he tells me about that things that need done.   I try to avoid the things he talks to me about.  I feel there is a fine line between being asked to help and being told these are the things you should do.  I let those things and do the things that I want to do.  If he doesn't come back, I'll get those things done eventually.

As for me....I am doing me and doing it well.  Busy but happy.  Having some minor health issues but working on them and just doing the best I can! 

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #75 on: June 11, 2019, 01:30:24 PM »
H is still volunteering like mad to do things.  Yesterday he and SIL fixed my issue caused by my pops accidentally.  Came to my office and helped me move some stuff that I asked SIL for help with.  Both of them showed.

Last night when I was leaving pickleball, he started to walk out beside me then got called back by someone.  I then hear him calling down the hallway for me and he caught up and walked out.  Used his plans today with my Dad as his reason to talk to me.  He had pretty much ignored me all night long.

Standing outside talking he told me his one ailment was flaring up again.  I wanted to be snarky and say "You can't blame it on me this time.  I am not the one stressing you out!"  I didn't.  All he got  from me was....well that sucks.  In July he accused me of stresing him out which is why I was tempted to be snarky.  I just let it go. 

Today he helped my dad get somethings done he needed done.  Called me to see how my test went and when I would get results.  I was exhausted and he asked me what was wrong.  Told him...just tired today. Sadly these tests had me stressed but I didn't show it to him.  It is a long drive to get there and company would have been great had he offered.  He didn't.  He offered to pick me up if I was too sick to drive home.  I wasn't.   

He then informed me he was taking the kids out for supper. This makes me happy.  He skipped it for the last two weeks.  The grandkids need this time with him.  Better yet, when he chooses to visit them, it means at least 1 less hour with the ow. 

 He also had a lot more to do today and he would be letting one of his cars sit in my driveway for awhile.  I have heard this before.  It won't be there long.  He leaves it then comes and gets it almost asap.

So H stops by more, calls more and texts and snaps less right now.  He is still not showing much empathy, just seems like he is going through the motions.  By his own admission, not much in life is making him happy, yet he is still putting on a great show.  I get to witness some of it now.

My hopes right now are that he just keeps trudging forward.  I don't want him to get stuck....I fully support his healing processing and just hope it keeps going.


Update on ME!

Not too much going on other than the same old same old life I have carved out for myself.

Spending time with family and dogs.
Speding time working outside and enjoying the nice weather.
Reading and relaxing.
Pampering myself with massages, mani's and now I learned how nice pedi's can be.  I am hooked.
Planning some family events with the grandkids
Planning some events with friends.  Just small weekend getaways!

Basically, I am enjoying my life the best I can.  Do I miss H not being part of it.  Sure do.  Am I letting his absense stop me...NOPE!  Do I hope he is gonna come through this some day...Sure do!  Isn't that what most of us hope for?  An end to all of this someday?  I know I do!

I know I spend less time here and I try to catch up as much as I can.  Yet I am at a place where I am trying so hard to concentrate on positives.  My blessings continue to grow.

My biggest issue right now is still trust.  Everytime H tells me something, I have so much doubt.  I feel like he is occassionally trying to be more open and honest but I doubt.  I know I doubt because of lies in the past ,but I mostly doubt because I don't trust myself.  I don't trust that my BS meter is working as it should so instead of taking a leap of faith....I choose to question everything and doubt pretty much all.  This is not only with H....it goest to others also. 

Something for me to work on and hopefully I get control of it eventually! 




10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #76 on: June 12, 2019, 02:54:29 PM »

Standing outside talking he told me his one ailment was flaring up again.  I wanted to be snarky and say "You can't blame it on me this time.  I am not the one stressing you out!"  I didn't.  All he got  from me was....well that sucks.  In July he accused me of stresing him out which is why I was tempted to be snarky.  I just let it go. 


Sam I’m loving the updates, been keeping up but not managing to comment. I think this quote is wise. I have also felt like this and acted as you did. You are strong, he is not so atm I think this is good if you can manage it. Who wants to be around snarky comments, there was enough around BD to last a lifetime.

Glad he’s progressing
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #77 on: June 13, 2019, 01:21:26 PM »
Rose - All is good!  Stalking is fine!  I do a lot of it too.  So many times till I get around to something, so many others have already commented that there is no reason to beat a dead horse.

Update of on H:  Appears he is gone back to his hole  Nothing yesterday except an anchor check at 9:30.  Nothing today.  I had to reach out to him due to issues with taxes.  I resolved it and just let him know the resolution.  Also his car disappeared from the house today.  Exactly what I suspected.

So, he is going back down the rabbit hole and I am letting him.  Sadly, I need this break too.  I need those days when he is not popping up to let me just be.....


So, I was asked why so much info on H and so little info on me.  A well intending fellow LBSer is concerned that I am focusing too much on the MLCer.   Thank you thank you thank you for your care and your concern.  I took to heart your concerns and here is my point of view.....


I do put a lot of info in here about H.  Why.....documentation.    In a way, all of this is an experiment.  When changes occur, I want to have them documented for looking back and comparing later.  I also have the info here to compare and contrast with other lbs situation both past present and future.

I am not blowing anyone off and I appreciate the concern that I am focusing too much on the wrong person.  I can assure you that I do have focus on me.  I observe and document on H.

Why is there not more on me?

Honestly....most of my journey is very personal.  I am looking inside at myself and trying to be honest with myself and make changes that benefit me and me alone.  Some things I can candidly share.  Others....I can't.  They are either too personal or too painful to deal with again.  Many things I don't address openly because I have already addressed them to my satisfaction.

For example:  I used to be my own worst enemy.  I never said anything nice to myself.  I would look in a mirror and criticize everything I saw.  Don't let me make a mistakes...I never let myself forget it.  I was horrible to me.  It brought me down.  It discouraged me.  I shattered my confidence.   I didn't worry about these things because I had an awesome man in my life that would love and support me and I could lean on.   Now that man is off in La La Land and I am left standing here alone. 

My chooses:  Wallow and stay where I was or make a difference.   I chose making a difference and it all started with me.

Where am I now.  I am in a good place.  I have dealth with many major issues and I did it mostly on my own.  I had support here.  I had a therapist that helped to get me started.  I read a lot of books.  Mostly I made up my mind to conquer whatever it was I needed to conquer. 

Is it easy?  Nope and it is a daily battle to not let myself go back to bad habits.  It believe it will be a long time battle as I continue to choose to make changes in me that benefit me.

Most of the major ones are done.  Now I am down to fine tuning.  Little things now and then as they pop up.

Overall, I am such a better person now compared to prior to BD.

There is just not much to talk about pertaining to me.  I have found a comfort level in activity and Galling and sometimes my galling is just cleaning the house because once it is done, I am happier.  You all don't need to hear about all that.

So why not more on me...I have reached the point of happiness in life no matter what.  It can be doing something or doing nothing...bottom line...it is my choice and I am happy and there is little to report on.

Thanks again for your worry and concerns.  I am not going down the rabbit hole after H.  I am observing because he is right there in my face so many times that I can't avoid observing.  I didn't forget about me.  I am taking care of me....I am just more settled and boring now! 
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #78 on: June 14, 2019, 03:19:57 PM »
Sam

I hadn't realised you were asked why so little about you. We are reading along wondering if your spouse is behaving anything like our own so I am always very keen to hear about your H. I do the same on my thread. To me it seems that your growth and healing shines through in your writing. You do seem to care about you and we all do too!

Are you still running?
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #79 on: June 14, 2019, 07:23:58 PM »
Rose...all good. It was all done out of concern. Actually not the first time it happened which is why I decided to address here and let all know where I think i stand on the subject of focus.

Maybe I am right on. Maybe I am way off and the opinions of others i take under consideration.  I try to take concerns if others to see what truths may or may not he there. I trust every here to give constructive feedback.

And yes...like you and others.  The observations may help someone else someday. The journey of an mlcer can have so many similarities. Yes so many differences it is mind boggling

This forum had made me feel less alone. I hope my ramblings will aid others someday too.

Running....sadly no.  I boogered up my knee last year and it wont fully heal. Surgery would help but I am not ready for that yet. I can walk and swim and I recently tool up pickle ball. I also just tried a rock climbing wall so I am thinking of joining the lical indoor rock wall gym in order to do something different .

So back to h.  Mine comes arounds. Does things at the house. Disappears again but is no sooner out of sight when he pops back up again.

I see this as progression since it is yet another change along the way. Despite him being nicey nice I still sense something off. Something under the surface with him. Something I cant put my finger on.

Do you ever feel this with your h?   Sometimes it seems like anger. Sometimes disgust. Sometimes i feel like her tolerates me being in the same room and sometimes he seems sincere

I often times wonder if this is a real sense or just a perceived sense????  Crazy mlc 

Take care and have a great weekend

To all the dads on here. Happy fathers day. To all the moms filling both rolls. Happy fathers day to you too.  As hard ad it is. Keep doing what is best for those kids!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #80 on: June 17, 2019, 08:06:29 AM »
I read a story on another site called Crazy Town in regards to MLC.  I am starting to really understand that comparison right now.  A lot of weird actions by H this weekend to note.

Friday afternoon:  I go home for lunch and H is there working on the pool gate.  Enlisted me to help.  Ended up spending an hour working on it.  Good thing my boss (aka ME) is not a biotch and is understanding about needing time off.  I no sooner left there and H called.  He wanted some info on something we talked about months ago.  I told him I would get it.  I had to reach out to one of my clients for the info...hence why I just didn't tell him to google it.  Nothing else the rest of the day.  Later in the day H was off to work and I was busy cleaning and organizing my carport.  Putting winter stuff to the shed, washing it down, etc.

Sat late morning:  He has been walking and occasionally send me pics of his stats.  This morning he sent me pics of a friends and his wifes stats.  Then we chatted about the pool ladder.  He offered to buy me a new ladder.  I declined.  He wanted to keep chatting.  Told him I had to do some lawn work.  So off I go.

About an hour later, I heard a banging/clanging in the house.   Figuring the dogs are into something, I go to investigate.  There is H.  The clanging is him putting ice in his thermos for work.  H says  "Where have you been?"  Like I am the one that just came home.....  Outside working.  Cleaning the pool.  Weed whacking...getting ready to mow! is my response.   What are you up to?   

H replied....I brought over the edger I borrowed.  It doesn't work and it needs a blade.  I am gonna leave it here for awhile.  Where do you want it?  He is using the edger to rebury my doggy fence.  I asked him what it needed to work.  He said he didn't know.  It would start but not stay running.  Hmmm.  So he drops off an edger that doesn't work...why?????  One of those WTF moments.  I told him I would pick up a blade if I got anywhere near the big box store that carries them.  He said ok he would appreciate it. 

I started to the backyard to do work and he followed.  Asked what I was gonna do.  Told him to hook up the new pool sweeper and start cutting grass.  He come down and helped with the sweeper.  Then said if I don't get all the yard cut he would help do it this week.  This made me determined to get it all done!  And I did it!  Front, sides and the entire back except where the fence is currently exposed.

Later that evening I sent him a text letting him know I didn't get to the store to get the blade so that he knew he had to do it.  He called back instead of texting.  I am still so shocked to look at my phone and see a call from him.  I am used to no response or just a simple OK or thumbs up text.

Convo was about:
Edger
Friends walking
H said he didn't feel like texting which is why he called
Our son
His August vacation (this is coming up a lot lately.  He keeps bringing it up)
Future plans with his truck (at one time he couldn't think of the future)
Friends court case.
Menu for Sunday. Asked if I was making my CAKE.  Said yes because x,y and z all like it.  He says...mee too!  Ha Ha.  I know this!
Compared his sisters cake with mine and commented mine was better and he tried to tell his sister how I do it and suggested she do the same.


He got another call.  Said he would call back.  He did.  I was busy and missed it.  I called him back.  He didn't answer.  An hour later he called and updated me more on friends court case.  Talked a few mins and he had to go.  That was it.

Sunday:  H showed up about an hour early expecting gr kids to be there.  They were not yet.  He was a bit disappointed.  Typically he would go sit down and be on his phone or watch tv.  Instead, he saw I was still doing things and said ....
1.  Can I move that for you.  Me:  Sure...but don't unload it.  I'll take care of it.  He moved it.
2.  As I was sweeping, he asked if he could dry sweep the living room.  Me:  Yes please.  I would appreciate it.  So he did.  When he was done, he asked about the dirt pile.  Told him to leave it and I would get it.  He stook guard over it so the dogs didn't run through it .
3.  He pressed the burgers for me.  He was to do it with Gr Son but he wasn't there in time.
4.  He helped me get the tables set for the picnic.
5.  He went to sit down and watch TV and relax and couldn't stay in the rooom by himself.  He called me in to chit chat but I told him I had too much to do.  I walked out and he followed.  He started working on something else.  I don't even know what.  He was just petering around.
6.  He went to get his parents to give them a ride up.  Then told me he had to leave early due to work.  Told him I would make sure his parents got back.
7.  He ate lunch.  Enjoyed time with the grandkids.  Packed some extras.  Said thank you and good bye several times.  I didn't get up to see him off.  He then left. 
8.  Last thing he said before leaving is that he would be back for some of the cake leftovers on Monday or Tuesday.  I said OK.  There are plenty.  He said YEP...I don't want to see it go to waste.


Later I got a snap from him.  With that, I thanked him for all his help.  I can't honestly remember if I thanked him earlier or not.  I was in my own world getting things ready.  He opened it but nothing else the rest of the night.  It's all good.  I know he gets overload at times.

So...I had a great weekend.  Lots of quality time with D and her kids. 

Yesterday I got a facetime from gr son.  He wanted to call me and show me he could put on his belt by himself for church.  He missed loops and hooked it in a hole so far out that the belt couldn't do his job, but he got it on and he was so proud.

These moments put so much into perspective for me.  How blessed I am to have this relationship with him.  Yet so sad that H is missing out.  He is making small efforts to see them more and more.  Someday.   That is all I can say is that someday I hope he have a much better relationship with both gr kids.  Grandpartents can have a huge positive influence in their lives.  I hope he can be one of those grandparents.

I can't say how lucky I am to be able to have these special memories with them!  This upcoming weekend...weather permitting I am taking them to the zoo!  Road trip!  Love them!

So...does anyone want to place bets on when H will attempt to reach out again?   He can't seem to go more than a day anymore.  I vividly remember months going by....now he is in a cycle right now of hours and days...not weeks and months!  Silly MLCers!

I am still not reading anything into this.  Tomorrow he could be back to total avoidance again for days, weeks, months or years.  His call.

The only nice things about this cycle, is that although he is not fully the man I used to know.  I do occassionally see glimpses of the "GOOD" part of the man he used to be.  I also see struggles.  No one else sees this.  Why?  Am I looking for it and over observing?  Who knows.  I just know it is ok for me to observe just not participate in his wild ride.

OW....I still believe she is still there in some form.  I do believe him now when he says he is living with sister.  I believe there is less involvement with the OW compared to when they were living together full time...but yes...she is still a part of his life still.  I just have no idea how much or how little.  I suffice it to say...OW is still in the big picture of things still.


10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #81 on: June 19, 2019, 12:33:22 PM »
Today is a really off day for me.  I came to some realizations recently and it has led directly to monkey braining.  Now my job for myself is to figure out how to overcome it.

I apologize in advance while I ramble and rant.  This all helps me with processing.

Cause:

I had a dream a few nights ago that I came home and OW was walking out of my HOME.  It was almost like I was the visitor.  She walked out the front door.  My D was there, she gave her a hug and said goodbye.  See you later.  H then walked out and was in his skivies and happily waiving by.  I was sitting in H's car in the driveway and it was like I didn't exist.  Shocked that ow was at my house for one.  Huge shock that my D not only accepted her but they were acting like besties hugging and talking.   This I know won't happen.  There is a lot of animosity there.  OW has never attempted to have a relationship with D and said nothing nice about DIL a few times when she was talking to H and OW was in the background.  It seems to be all come be part of my family, who cares about the family you have with wifey!

Then last night H posted pics on IG of family time with his sister and parents having a picnic.  It was special for some reason.  Steaks (good ones) and seafood.  So OW's daughter was one of the first to like and she doesn't like a lot.  Then OW.  My gut is telling me that OW was there and it was the "coming out" of ow to H's parents.  Don't know if it is true or not....that is what my gut told me.  Be advised, that my gut has been right more times than not but I still don't trust it because it lead me astray prior to BD.  There were signs that I missed and/or ignored.

I also looked back for posts and all the posts from the previous year had been circumstances where OW was involved.  He is not a big poster...but what he does all included her.....including ones that he used to try to cover up lies.  Additionally, he recently allowed posts which included him and her together to be posted.  His sister posted them so he is well aware.  This is the first public pics since this all began.  H had been adamant to stay off all social media with anything personal.  Hence why he likes snaps so much!

So this all got me thinking:

H has been in touch more recently.  Coming to house more.  Talking more.  I want to hope that his is him "moving forward" through his crisis.  Then the devils advocate says...what if this is him ramping up to give you "bad" news again.  In the past, he would get nice and friendly and do things and offer to buy or pay for things and then BAM....hit me between the eyes.  First time it happened was leading up to BD.  Second time it happened was leading up to me moving out of state to be with OW.  So is his niceness cycle leading to him making another announcement or is it him truly making progress.  I have to wonder now.  I see a lot of ways it could be interpreted either way.

Progress:

H has made a lot of progress.  A lot of touch and goes.  Seems to have more communication with me however it always seems like he has to have a reason.  Something at the house needs done.  There is a memory he shares from the past.  A trivia question regarding something familiar to both of us, etc.  Part of me wants to believe he is seeking reassurances....just at the start of it with a long way to go.  Part of me wants to say....don't believe it.  You will just set yourself up for a disappointment.



Why could it be set up for something bad?  Could him showing responsibility be a bad thing again?  Yep  could be or may not be!

-He has offered to buy or pay for things.  I have declined.  I even give him money when he fills my mower  tanks.
-He seems to be trying to get things taken care of at the house.  Sometimes too ambitious.  Like he wants closure from doing things.
-He is going public with OW more often.  Not only social media but also out in public more locally where before he avoided that.
-Sometimes his niceness seems too good to be true.
-When he cycles away, it almost seems like there is an underlying hatred of me.
-He is still very very secretive about so many things.  Very impersonal about so much yet.
-He still gets bouts where he avoids me in all ways...communication, visits, eye contact etc.  The difference now is that it lasts days (usually 1 to 3) vs 1 to 3 weeks.

OW Concerns that I sense:

-She is pushing to move from D's house to her own place.  This is a fact.  My guess it is because H won't live with her at her D's so she could get more "sleepvoers" if she has her own place.  Only IMO...2nd part is not factual.
-OW gets upset when H stays at my house to dog sit.  Keep in mind, I never intended to ask H.  I asked his sister who does this for a living and prior to that I asked my son's best friend.  H's sis is the one that said to me....ask H.  I an not available but bro is and I know he would love to do which leads me to believe that she had already spoken with him.  I reluntantly asked and he readily agreed and has volunteered ever since.


So what does all of this mean?  It means that H is in crisis.  It means I lost some of my focus and I need to get it back where it belongs.  It means that all of this is confusing and sadly more confusing.  It means I am letting my detachment falter a tad and I need to deal with that asap.

Just past BD, he stayed in touch then ignored me then stayed in touch.  Back and forth with each day being different. 

Then he moved home. 
Then he left and we went into a dark period of little to no communication for six mos.  During those six mos there was probably no more than 6 communications and they were all necessity initiated by him.

Right or wrong, I invited him by for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Then I was advised don't invite him.  Not sure about new years...but I know after that ...I didn't invite him.  I talked to his sis.  I invited his parents and guess who showed up for Pancake breakfast, Easter, Mother and now Father's day picnics.  Hmmm.

Now this cycling seems more consistant like the communication just after bomb drop.  However where then it felt like....I am obligated to do these things...now he sometimes seems like that and others he seems like he wants to be in touch.  Convos are generally about nothing but occasionally he drops in a nugget of info about his head or his life or something. 

He is sharing where he is working again now and then.  Not consistant but if he reaches out to talk he volunteers the info.  Things like this have more of a familiarity of life prior to BD.

Convos are pretty easy but there is no substance.  We just chat.  I do a lot of listening and very seldom interject an opinion. 

Then the next time, it seems like that underlying HATE is back.  I am a nuisance like a rabid raccoon.  He is avoiding me.  Then he suddenly drops back into my existance with a snap or a text or today it was an IG regarding a movie we both loved to watch.




Now....I don't know.   Something has me on edge.    If it is the actions of the OW and my belief that she is pulling him further in...that can also be a good thing. 

Maybe she is running scared. 
Maybe she sees she is loosing control so she is tightening her reins.
Maybe she has convinced H that she is the love of his life and things are gonna get more serious. 

This is where I gotta step back and really look and see that if she is tightening the leash...it is script and it is a good thing.
If she senses H is confused about what he wants...another good thing.

In essense...it can all be good if I just step back...don't interfer...quit monkey braining and let the crisis play its self out.

Does it hurt.  Yep!  I would be a liar if I said it didn't.  It hurts...but it can't interfer with my life.  I still have a life to live and that is what I want to do!

Thanks all for listening.  I knew just pounding at the keys would help me deal with this crisis crap!  If you made it this far and are still awake...kudos to you!  Ha Ha!

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline DCD

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #82 on: June 20, 2019, 12:08:55 PM »
Hi Sam,

Your husband is cycling.  It's what they do - it's crazy and nonsensical and can suck you in when you least expect it.  My husband's cycle over the last several years was more drawn out yet predictable.  in the beginning of the year, he was mean, I sensed the hate you were talking about.  By spring/early summer, he was kinder, more settled, hard to tell if he was genuinely happy with his life as it now was or warming to me.  By fall, the more overt depression would seem to pop up.  He would seem more "thinky", am i doing the right thing? It would be at this time that I would feel him coming closer and then BAM! right before the holidays, he'd pull a spectacular boner (i.e. get "engaged", threaten to sell the house out from under me and son, have lawyer send me letter stating that he would like to file for legal separation...) And then he'd be back to being mean again.  I can see why you would 'monkey brain' over this.  I think it was on this forum where I read that the cycling is more intense at the beginning "as they enter the tunnel" and at the end "as they're exiting" or trying to decide whether or not to exit the tunnel.  This is what i saw with my husband.  In the first couple of years, the cycling was crazy making.  I was sure he was connecting dots and that he'd be back sooner rather than later.  Of course, I also read that "it gets worse before it gets better"...that was also true.  It got worse, he ramped up his relationship for all to see, introduced her to family and our son  >:( , very much against my wishes and all the while promising me he wouldn't do that.  Once she was out, his cycles stretched longer.  He wasn't just cycling with me, but with OW as well.  When he was seemingly getting closer to me, her social media became more active, she'd brag and post husband pics and take shots at me.  Towards the end, the cycling picked up again.  I initially thought it had to do with the fact that we had our mediation, our financials were settled, the house was scheduled to sell - much activity necessitating much chatter from him. But i do believe he was making his attempt at exiting known and was struggling with my detachment.

All this to say, it'll happen regardless of what we do.  We really have no effect on how this plays out or really on how long it'll take to finish.  What really matters is where you are when he pops out the other end.  And where you want to be is happy, content, fulfilled with the life you have - which is what you are already working on.  It takes time - all of it.  Him, you, everything.  Might as well make the best use of that time.  To do that, you need to truly let him go. 
some days are yellow
some days are blue
on different days, i'm different too
you'd be surprised how many ways
i change on different-colored days.
 - dr. seuss

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #83 on: June 24, 2019, 05:06:35 AM »
Hi Sam,

I found a picture of H....



'nuf said there...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #84 on: June 24, 2019, 12:09:47 PM »
DCD - Thank you for sharing.  What you said makes sense.  I do get that he is no where near being fully cooked.  He just got really strange lately.  I knew it was going nowhere and I had no expectations but for some reason....I let the monkey braining take over.  Never a good things.

What you told me was something I needed to hear.  Didn't want to hear it but needed to hear it and it helped me to get my feet back under me.  Thank you!

UM:  Good one!  HaHa.  That pretty much describes what I observe!

Quick H Update:

He is going back down into the deep dark tunnel.  I get a snap...black eyes and stroke smile is back.   He did house and dog sit for me this weekend.  Very quiet.  Only communication was when he wanted my weed whacker and couldn't find it to do some work around my house.  We talked but didn't really talk.

I come home to find mail that needs addressed and he needs to sign it.  I completed it because it was about me and health insurance but he needed to sign as the policy holder.  In the past, I would text him and let him know and he would tell me to put in his bin and he would sign the next time he was by.  This time he said, I'll stop by tomorrow on my way to work and sign it. 

Strange that the man who is trying t avoid me is stopping by to sign the documents when he knows I will be home.  I read nothing into it...just mentioning that it is even stranger for him to stop by when he is otherwise doing his best to avoid me.   

Later I get a snap of his walk/run.  This one was different because he included the map.  He walked near his place.  This is a first.  Usually when he shares, the info pertaining to where he walks is not included.  It was also impressive that he did some running and really decreased his times.  Kudos to him.  I am happy that he is doing well and sticking with the exercise program.  He needs to do this for many reasons health wise and I am happy and proud he is sticking with it.   I gave him the pat on the back he was looking for.

Sunday:  H stopped by to sign the forms.  He didn't know it but I had GS with me for awhile  The two of them got to hang out.  I had started making hotdogs and H took over.  Even allowed me to take some pics of him and GS together.  I didn't share to social media but I did share to him and D so they they had them.  He intended to only stay long enough to sign.  He ended up being there almost an hour.  Ate several dogs with GS and ran off at the last minute.  I stayed busy and stayed away from him.  He made a point to check out the pool and drew me there to ask questions about the new cleaner.  H got a hug from GS and it produced one of the biggest smiles I had seen on H's face in a long time.  However, the black eyes were there and he was avoiding looking at me.  Some tell tale signs I am used to anymore.

For the last several weeks, H has managed to find a reason to stop by the house everyday.  Been going on for about 3 to 4 weeks.  Now, he got all the yard work done.  The gate work is done and we are once again running out of things for him to putter around with at the house.  Gonna be interesting to see how he handles this.  He will do whatever.


Updates on ME:

FEAR...this is the recent thing that came to my attention.  Actually it is now lack of fear.  I don't mean mice and spider or  high places types of fears.  I mean the emotional fears that could paralyze you when you let it.

Today when driving to work, I realized my fears are gone.  I still have respect for things/issues but no longer fear things happening.  I don't fear H not coming back.  I don't fear people talking behind my back.  I don't fear living alone.  There are just so many things I no longer fear and I realized how liberating it is.  One of those things that just gradually went away and when you realize that it is gone, it is like sucking in fresh cool air on a humid summer day.  Just relief is in it's place.

The only reason I can think that fear is gone is that I realized I have no control and I can just sit back, breathe and relax and things come my way.  Yes, sometimes they sneak in there for a tad and that lead to my monkey braining.  However once I was rationally thinking again vs emotional thinking....things just fell into place and I took that deep breath again which brought me back to center.

Sorry for the rambling again.  I know a lot of this makes sense in my head and may now mean a thing to anyone else.  But hey..isn't that way a journal is for.  The the crap out of your head? 


My biggest obstacle is still patience but I am working on it and I have seen how very far I have come. Practice makes perfect! I am getting plenty of practice!   This was definately one of my biggest areas of concern...probably no 2 following CONTROL being No 1.  I have learned so much about control and not needing it and it is actuallyt a relief to not be responsbile for everything anymore.  Now I really enjoy things and know things will get done when they get done.  No need to fret over so much.  It just robs the happiness in your life from you!


So everyone....I think I am growing up a bit too.  However my daughter says she doesn't believe me.  Says I'll be a child at hear forever.  That is a good thing too!


10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #85 on: June 24, 2019, 01:01:20 PM »
Sam

I think a child at heart is perfect and something I aim for every day!

You always sound good and uplifting which is lovely to hear, you have come a long way since he walked out.  I remember it so well I think I was right there with you in spirit when he drove off all those miles to OW.  Such an achievement almost a year later you being so strong.  Go girl!

Rose
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

 

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