Author Topic: My Story Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence  (Read 2316 times)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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My Story Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #10 on: February 18, 2019, 07:35:31 AM »
Good for you keeping so busy. There will be no bitter and twisted woman waiting on H if he decides to pop by!

FWIW I dont think the hours spent reading stories were so much wasted as invested. That time spent gave you the strength you have now.

Always look forward to your updates, whatever & whenever they may be!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #11 on: February 20, 2019, 12:38:40 PM »
Rose...bitter and twisted never.   I don't want that for me.  It would be so easy to hold hatred and anger and revenge but it will only hurt me in the end.  I don't want to be that person for anyone ever!

So some updates from the last few days:

Saturday:  H stopped by unexpected.  I was in bed resting from a head cold.  He waited for me to get dressed and come out to the kitchen.  We sat and talked for nearly 40 mins.  He told me about his vacation and what he would do differently and of course told me what I should and shouldn't do when I go out.  We talked about the Sirius radio changes that we talked about while he was on vacation.  He told me he would stop by on Sunday if it worked with his schedule and if it didn't he would be in touch sometime.

Sunday:  Crickets

Monday:  I get a text that he didn't know who was to let the dogs out.  Asked him if he wanted to do it or not.  He sent me back a confusing message that seemed like he didn't want to do it yet he said he would.  So I called him as I didn't have time to kittyfoot around.  It was nearing lunch and I had things to do.  He answered immediately.  Asked him what he wanted done.  He said he could let them out but he wouldn't be there until 2 or 230.  I said that is not good and I would let them out.   He said he would let them out now only on days when I was out of town.   Told him ok.  I appreciate it and all he has done thus far.  Told him this week I only needed help on Wed due to an employee being off for a funeral.  He agreed to take care of them on Wed this week for me.  Also told me he normally goes to his parents for lunch and today he didn't and he would be going there but not for awhile.

I went left the dogs out and got caught in a white out.  Texted him to be careful that I was in a white out yet lucky I was close to the house.  He said he was up at his sisters and not out on the road.....Ok  great.  Didn't ask where he was.  But ok.

Tuesday:  I get a text that he is in the area and will let the dogs out.  Great!  I was so busy it was nice to not run out and I told him I appreciated his help.  He then told me he was back from dropping off his parents at the airport and hanging out with a buddy at his house.  Once again....wow!

Come home and was putzing around the house and I saw he dropped off the Sirius radio he wanted hooked up.  I debated on just doing it and getting it over with and decided NO.  This is a joint decision since we are going to be sharing the account to save money.   I did some work on taxes and then sent him a text to see if he had time to talk about the sirius because I was freed up.  He texted back.  Nope I am playing pool tonight.  Maybe tomorrow night. 

OK  I am floored.  Never expected an answer let alone that one.  You know my mind is thinking he is with OW not with friends playing pool.  So another Wow if this is the truth.  Who knows.

Wednesday:  Due to a storm, I texted him and told him not to worry about the dogs.  I would take care of them.  He wanted to know why?  Told him I was closing the office and working from home.  Just a bit ago, I get a text...are you home?  I am on my way up!   He was at his parents and came up to set up the Sirius.

I did the work but included him in the decision making.  He is paying for it on his CC and I paid him in full for the year for my half of the subscription.  He also talked about our son.  The trip some more.  Our SIL who he is trying to help him get a job and he missed qualifying by 1 lousy point.  Asked me about PODCASTS and told me to get the app and listen to them.  Asked for help to hook up his new radio because he couldn't read the small letters.

He wanted to know why I drove through the yard to pull in the carport from the back.  He chided me that I was too lazy to back into the carport.  I corrected him that I didn't mind backing but I didn't want to smash the 4 plus inches of snow.  He got wide eyed and said I didn't think about that.....I backed into the drive way instead of parking in the stones or grass.  I threatened to kick his bum.  He apologized then laughed.

Later when he was leaving he was going through his mail and I usually through out junk but his birthday is coming up and there was an AARP offer so I put it in his stack.   He then threatened to kick my bum and we both got a chuckle.   

After an hour he was off to go to work.  Told me where he is working tonight and what time he goes in.  Then asked me to get in touch with my dad for him.   Told him to do it himself.  He said he might do that.  Time will tell.

So he is gone again.  I snow blowed and I am gonna head to town to shovel the office out and get some supper somewhere. 

Me:  I get frustrated with these visits recently.  He stops by and seems so freaking normal except for the fact that I have cooties still and he treats me like a cousin Eddy from Family Vacation.  The relative you don't really want to claim.  He is nice an all but just very distant.  These are the times when my mind want s to wonder and question if this will ever come to an end or if this is where he is gonna get stuck and life will be like this forever more.  Ugh!  So, I have to change my train of thought for now and move forward and right now that is snow cleanup.  Time for me to go and play in the white stuff before it all melts away!

Take care and thanks for listening to me!   
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Acorn

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #12 on: February 20, 2019, 12:50:03 PM »
He gets the first prize for ‘Super Duper Clinger’.
Can’t stay away, eh?!
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online One day at a time

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #13 on: February 20, 2019, 01:50:07 PM »
I thought the same Acorn, he can't stay away!!! So different to my wallower who simply disengaged from me!

Rose...bitter and twisted never.   I don't want that for me.  It would be so easy to hold hatred and anger and revenge but it will only hurt me in the end.  I don't want to be that person for anyone ever!
I could have written this! People often seem to expect me to be bitter, I'm not even really angry.. What's the point? It won't change anything and it won't be good for me.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #14 on: February 21, 2019, 04:05:33 AM »
He is REALLY

Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Milly

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #15 on: February 21, 2019, 02:14:09 PM »
Sam, it's early days still, but better he enjoys the time around than not. Just enjoy it while you have it.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #16 on: February 24, 2019, 11:34:19 AM »
Acorn - A Clinger?  Really?  Yes there are times that he "can't stay away" but what he comes for is just business like.  Helping at the house or doing a favor.   I guess I never ever through of him as a clinger as he doesn't seem to match the description.I guess this is something to think about, yet not waste my time on.  Use it to just try to understand some things a bit more.

  He is not trying to talk to me or tell me how he is feeling.  There are no signs of love...no hugs, kisses, luv yous or anything.  He doesn't keep trying to come back to the house to live...he shows he is content to live elsewhere, yet he wants to make sure things are taken care of at the house.  He has been like this since a few months after BD.  Then he stops for an extended period of time and then back again.  I always knew he loves the house...it was our dream home.  Still is mine!  So I though his coming by the house was just keeping in touch with the house itself.  He could care less if I am around at all or not.  Does this make him a clinger?  I guess it could.  I don't really understand the clinger or looked to it to much.  I think there was something more to Monday and him not wanting to come by.  I'll go into that in another post.

I guess I see his visits as meeting his needs.  His need to feel wanted.  His need to feel appreciated and needed.  That is his big need.  To be needed, wanted and appreciated.  Hence why I am cautious to show my appreciation by recognizing the little things he does.  Putting away my garbage cans, putting the dogs out, mowing, shoveling, hanging lights, etc.  I only see all the things he is doing as meeting his own selfish needs.  Luckily, there is some benefits to me at times too!

One Day - I get the same thing as you.  Not many people know what is happening but the few that do either support me 100% or support me leaving H 100%.  Those that don't support tell me to get over it, move on, take him for all he is worth, kick him to the curb, never trust again, etc.   I always seem to sense more anger and bitterness in them than in me.  I know one of these people was the victim of a "normal" affair when she was in her 20's.  I still see the anger and bitterness in her.  She gets angry with me that I didn't file for divorce and move on.   She used to be a part of my inner circle but since she refuses to accept my decisions without passing on her own bitterness, so she is no longer part of my inner circle.  It is what I had to do for me.  I couldn't let her negativity in my life.  I accept her for who she is. I respect her opinion for herself, but she doesn't understand that what is good for her is not what is best for me.   We are still friends, just not as close. 

um:  Yes he is....doesn't know if he is coming or going.

Milly:  Thank you!  Yes!  We are very early into this.  There are times when he wants to be around and do things and times that he does not.  I just let him decide and when he does not want to be around....I have to let that be ok too.  All I ask is when it comes to the dogs to let me know so I can make sure they are taking care of.  That is all.  Anything else...meh....if he helps he helps and if he doesn't....he doesn't and I always have a back up plan!  Glad your along on my journey with me.  I have read yours...as hard as it is...I respect you and see you as a strong woman!  Thank you for being there to support others!  I pray your H find his way to you one day!

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #17 on: February 24, 2019, 01:34:06 PM »
Journal Update:   

Someone please hand me the oxygen mask.  Been so busy and I am loving it.  Got to spend extra time with GS this week.  Nothing better in the world.  Be it a few mins or a few hours....I will take advantage of it anytime I can!  All the running though is exhausting but I wouldn't miss a moment of it.  I am so lucky to have the love of my kids and grandkids and some awesome supportive friends!

Thursday:  Not much word from H with the exception of when he tried to call me because the radio wasn't working and he needed passwords.  I had to call him back and the pw didn't work so he asked me to reset the radio.  I had to to this because he was on the road and unable to do.  He asked and I obliged. e Not on his time frame as I was at work and had to do it inbetween other things I had to do for clients.   Eventually we got it working.  We always were  good team at projects and problem solving except for the MLC problems.  Oh my!

Friday:  My daughter asked H to help move her new Living room set on Saturday.  He volunteered his truck and also a trailer.  He was unable to get it on Friday and would have to get it early on Saturday after working until after midnight Friday.  So I volunteered to get the trailer and he thanked me for it.  LOL.  I wasn't doing it for him.  I was doing it for D!  Told me he would meet me at my house!  Just recently he started to refer to our house as my house.   I laugh when he does it.  He won't sell it to me or sign it over to me and insists on doing work here but it is my house!

Saturday:  8:45...the crew shows up to move the furniture.  We load up go pick it up and all goes well until we get  to D's house to unload.  We needed more help to to the steepness of the steps.  As a result, we lost time and D was unable to go back to get her vehicle.  She told H that he was gonna have to take me home with him so that I could leave my car for them to use and they would return it later.  Per D he said not a problem.  Then sat down and waited for the help.  While waiting we were talking about tattoos and I asked if he finished his yet.  He has 1 of 3 sessions done.  He looked at me, then looked at his phone and said NO.  The artist called me not long ago to go over...I didn't go.  I couldn't.  It was having a bad day.  I don't know when I'll get it done.   

I was floored and just looked away.  This was one of the few times he acknowledged that there were bad times for him.  Now I wonder if him skipping lunch with his parents and not wanting to take care of the dogs on Monday was a "bad" day for him too.  He didn't want to leave his sister's house that day until he had to.   Not gonna monkey brain but knowing the way MLC works...it made me wonder for a bit.

Eventually he took me home when he was ready to go.  While we were at D's, he was quick to want to hold GD but didn't spend much time with GS.  Claims GS doesn't like him.  Truth is he doesn't visit regularly so GS is not familiar with him.  On the other hand, GS asked for my parents all the time because they make time each week to visit and play with him.

On the way home, he talked about S and some other things.  I don't really recall what all.  Really sad but whatever it was didn't have much importance to remember it.  Yikes.  Another step into detachment maybe since I am not holding onto each word he says???  I hope!

As soon as we got home, he announced that he was leaving the "borrowed" trailer at my house.  (insert another chuckle here)  Said nephew didn't care where it was so he might as well leave it here for now.  Ok.  I could care less.  I have space.  So he parked it and then rushed into my house.

I followed because he was asking for a finishing nail and a measuring tape and I was curious.  Well he heard SIL and myself talking about a stud finder so I could install a TV hanger.  H came in and found my studs for me and told me what I was planning on doing was a great idea and then proceeded to tell me how I should do it.   More laughs.

As he was doing things...I noticed a "snake" bite on his neck.  Oh my was all I could think.  A 52 year old man that has been marked.  Shaking my head and walking away.

H finally got done telling me how to do things and was getting ready to leave.  Asked him if there was anything else and he said...Oh...I need my watch.  Earlier in the day he asked me to put it on the charger for him.  As  I started to turn, he got snarky and said "if you remembered to charge it for me"...to this I turned gave him a huge grinning smile and jogged off for his fully charged watch.  My response was perfect.  He always told me that nothing pushed his buttons more than when he could flip the bird to someone in a car while he was driving and they would smile and waive back at him.  So I gave him "The Smile" and returned his watch to him.  I didn't play into his snarkiness.  I figured this was MLCease for the projection of I can't remember to charge my own watch so why should you. 

Sunday:  Besides a few response to pics of GS that were posts....crickets.  I alwasy say I expect this for some time.  Truth is....each time I think he is gonna go away for awhile....he doesn't.

He is at a point where he seems content.  Not happy...not sad...not miserable...just there.  Just going through the motions and pretending to be happy.  He may smile but his eyes say something totally different.

It is so sad to see this in him when I know the man who used to have a glitter in his eyes...a bounce in his step and wry smile that was real not forced.   

On the flip side of the coin...I have found my happiness and I won't give it up...not even for him.  He has to find a way to come up to my level now.  Once he gets here, he will enjoy life again too.  Just sucks that he is wasting time doing the MLC thing for now.  Really wish a swift kick to the butt will help.  It won't.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #18 on: February 24, 2019, 04:15:01 PM »
Great update Sam. I enjoyed reading all that!

Yip MLC is a waste of time, I agree. Such a waste of such a great part of our lives.

It’s great you have your happiness and won’t give it up for him. I think I’m the same! In fact, yes i’m the same!

Rose 🌹

Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #19 on: February 25, 2019, 04:35:36 AM »
OK, so I am going to Hades for this but ....

I had to laugh with the thought of a guy around my age running around with a hickey.... Really....

Teenagers, I swear....

Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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