Author Topic: My Story Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence  (Read 2317 times)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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My Story Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #20 on: February 26, 2019, 05:03:13 PM »
Rose:  I read reply tonight with no intent to comment...but I had to take the time to do it.   

I am so happy that you reached the point where your happiness matters to you.  Liberating!  Fulfilling!  That is how I feel.  I feel like I can conquer the world.  Nothing can stop me from being happy!  I love being happy and I am not afraid to put my happiness in the forefront of other things.  One day our H's will catch up and fell the same way and then we will walk together.  No more one walking in front of the other!


UM:  If you are going to Hades, I am going with you!  I saw it and was at first shocked...then I had to turn and walk away for fear of laughing at him and pointing it out in front of others!



Journal Update While I am HERE!

Sunday:  A few texts from H.  I started by letting him know he forgot his work gloves and advised where I put them up in case he was looking for them.  He came back at me with a few other texts and later a few snaps.   Later in the day he advised me where he was working and that the weather there was good compared to what we were having.

Monday:  My car is at the shop for a recall.  He know this.  He rcvd the recall notice the week before in his mail.   I gave the shop my number but they called him regarding questions.  He texts me:  Are you having troubles with the truck.  Me:  Nope   H:  The shop called me.  Me:  They are trying to upsell me on services.  H :  Figures.  They always want to sell you something you don't need.

Tuesday:  Crickets all day.  D invited H out to family dinner tonight and he said maybe if he doesn't work.  He got in touch with her later and wanted all the info and informed D he didn't have to work.

I was the last to show at the restaurant due to stopping by the house to let the dogs out.  As soon as I got there, H says to me....I would have taken care of the dogs if you would have asked me.   I smiled at him and changed the subject to the grandkids.

Later he told me about his convo with son.  When it was time to sit....there were 3 seats on the other side of the table...he chose to sit across from me. All three seats were open and when he asked where he was to sit, I said anywhere....that one there (not across from me) is near the baby.   Weird.  So we sat as we used to sit...couples across from each other...ladies on one side and grumpy ole men on the other.  LOL.     We chatted some.  I mostly observed.  He talked to SIL and my Dad a lot during the meal.  When he was done eating he quickly grabbed up GD under she got fussy....then he insisted on handing her to me. 

These are nice times, yet I feel so distant.  I feel like I have my guard up.  I don't want to let it down for fear of him running straight back into hard replay.  I don't want to leave the guard down to only be hurt again.  If I keep it up and keep my distance then I know I am better protecting me...yet I wonder if I send off the wrong vibes.  Yet it is not enough of a worry for me to take down my barrier at this time.  Right or wrong of me.....time will tell!    I have read enough to know that what he is going through right now is nothing real.  Nothing more than a few moments of some kind of clarity for now.  We have such a long time to go yet and a long journey for him to take and he needs to do it without me.

I enjoy these few moments when he chooses to be with family.  Yet it seems so very odd that he comes to us.  Smiles and laughs and shares and then goes to her.  To be with us, I feel strongly that he has to be lying to her.  At least I hope he is.  It also feels good to know that he can make some time for his family again.  When I say family...I mean D and family and me and my parents.  There is still no spending time with us alone or having any quality talks about anything at all.  He talks about son and things he does.  I just keep smiling and nodding and trying to find interest in some of the stuff he talks about.   While at the same time making sure I don't analyze what is happening.  Just notating for future reference.

Well hope you are all well.  Take care of yourselves!   Sam
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline seahorse

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #21 on: February 26, 2019, 06:13:29 PM »
Sam:
Attaching on HS.
Will try to fly with you - out of the turbulence, but will be right with you during it.

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #22 on: February 27, 2019, 12:15:48 PM »
Still riding along Sam
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #23 on: February 27, 2019, 12:23:45 PM »
Sea - Glad you are on board with me.  <3

Journaling - This is all about me this time.

So, I am  the type of person to tends to think and analyze things.  After journaling last night, I read and went to bed.  I kept thinking over and over about the night.   It was a great night with my family and H.  Awesome to have them all together and H acting fairly normal.  Most other people don't recognize the differences in him.  I do...but then I thought I knew him best and I am also looking for differences where as all others are looking for him to be the old H that they knew.

This morning I realized how very neutral I was that H was there.  I thought I would be excited that he was there....but then I realized I was me during the night.  I didn't need to overly focus on him.  I was very content to sit and enjoy my time with the family.  I then realized that even if he was not there...it would have been a great night because of everyone else that was there.

There was a time when I would have been had over heels with knowing he was joining us.  I would have tried to look my very best and possibly even acted more excited and happy than I really was.  I guess that was the fake it til you make it time maybe???

Last night I was not indifferent.  I listened when he talked.  He joined convos and I made eye contact.  He held mine for a bit too.  Yet I was just very neutral about the whole situation.  He was too.  He participated and seemed good.  Not happy!  He seemed content to be there there with the family too.

When he left....I left him go with no byes at all.  He was at the car with the grandkids and he doesn't usually get that...so I just sort of snuck off and did my thing.  Hopped in my car and went home.  I was happy....I enjoyed my evening and  was happy he chose to join us.  Can't be easy as we are a close knit family that he used to be a part of.  He joined.  I guess you can say he is trying but trying for what?  Trying to be normal?  Tryin to be accepted?  Trying to spend time with the grandkids vs actually going and spending time with them?  I don't know what his end goal is right now.

So I realized also that H asked a question about his mail.  He is looking for a specific letter from his employer.  Told him nothing came recently but I would let him know when it shows up.  It was one of those convos that made me wonder what is up.  Just out of the blue he brings to my attention a letter from his employer.  He has always been big on hinting at things that are happening vs just telling me outright.  I won't play the game.  I just act like...no big deal and won't ask questions.  This is not the first time he has played this game.  When will he figure it out that I am not taking the bait?????

Oh, well....enough from me. 

Guess who just dropped me a snap after crickets all moring!  Ugh!

10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #24 on: February 27, 2019, 12:24:41 PM »
66:  Hey lady!  Hop aboard.  How are you doing.  I just realized I lost you and have not been following along.  I got to go find your thread and get caught up!   Love that you are hear and hope all is well with you!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #25 on: February 28, 2019, 02:30:29 AM »
Don't you just LOVE the passive-aggressive "I'm going to throw hints so you HAVE to ask me " game? It is SO controlling... UGH!  I get that too and it makes her crazy that I no longer take the bait like I used to... She came out once and said that I must not care if I don't ask. I just looked right back and say that if it was that important to her, she'd say it rather than try to play games.... 

Truth Dart


And now, my evil twin wants a peck at the keys.....

Too bad you didn't send him back to OW with a different Hickie....



Yep, Goin' to Hades....
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #26 on: March 02, 2019, 04:17:45 AM »
Oh UM....Thank you for those early morning laughs today.   

Don't worry...you will have company in Hades...we all get those thoughts we just don't all have the ability to apply the appropriate GIFs to them to elevate them.  Your awesome!  Thank you!  I love you spins on situations with the GIFs.


MLC Story to Share - Not my MLCer

It is no secret I go to a spa bi monthly for massages.  They help me mentally, spirtually and of course physically!

For the last year I dealt with a wonderful receptionist who moved on a few months ago to a permanent full time position with benefits!  Yeah for her.  In her place is L.  L is in her early 40's with a grown son from a high school oopsie and a teenager and a preteen.  She is re-entering the work force due to a recent separation and pending divorse.


Over the last few months we have talked more and more.  Each time I get more info about her life from her as she freely tells me info. 

Last week when I went in, she told me she sould not be coming to see me for my professional services because her husband (she doesn't call him her ex) paid that particular bill so she is good for at least six months.  I became brazen and finally said...do you mind sharing your story with me.  You and your H seem to get along fine...what happened.  I fully expected her to describe to me he was in mlc.  I was shocked at what came out of her mouth.


She told me:

In fall of last year, she was disgruntled with the marriage.  They had been cycling on and off for th last few years.  She finally got to the point where she was not happy and she told her husband that.

She said, looking back they were always great friends but there was NO SPARK there.  She had been engaged to be married and her fiance was tragically killed.  A little over a year later she was pregnant and married to her current H.  They went on to have a 2nd child.  Thus far been married for 15 years.

They tried things for a few months and then she finally said....I need a break.  We need to separate for awhile so I can figure out what I want.

While separated, her H was good at first giving her space.  Then he started to ask for parameters.  Finally demanded a time table for how long the separation was going to happen.  She said this made her fell BOXED in and she could not stand it so she filed for divorse.  That was around Thanksgiving and the divorse was just settled in the last month. 

At first when she filed, they were not amicable, but they are working on that for the sake of the kids.  Trying to do family functions now and then.

I then told her that my H is having some issues and we are separated and she asked me what happened.  I have her a 30 second elevator speech.  Came home, he moved out, no warning, not happy, ILYBNILWY speech, wants to be single and live like someone in their early 20's, no responsibiliyt, etc.  We are being amicable.  Divorse - unknown.  Future - unknown.  I am giving him space to work on himself.

She looked at me wide eyed and told me....I feel like a teenager too.  She said when this all first started she felt like she had a brain tumor.  Didn't know what is happening, just knew her marriage was not happy for a long time and felt this was holding her back from happiness.

Now that she is divorsed she has started to date and enjoys the other guys company yet her husband asked her for dinner and said that would be nice but doesn't know if she wants to fall back into that trap.  Wants to be friends because they were great friends before.  Happy to date this new guy for now and see what happens.

She went on to say that maybe the divorse taught her husband a lesson and he may have gotten the message but not sure if it will stick so she is not sure she wants to try to go back there or not.

When you look at her, she is glowing!  No shark eyes...smiles and appears happy in her new role.  She is a great people person.  Would love to see her outside of her position and she what she is like.

Potentially, it sounds like she is in an MLC or a transition.  She never said what all her husband did to make life miserable, but just aluded to him learning a lesson maybe.


I ended the convo by thanking her for talking to me.  I also told her that she is not the only person going through this.  It is more common than she thinks.  She said to me...what do I do.   I told her, if you feel anything for you H....don't give up just yet.  Take this time for YOU and figure out what the problems are and address them with him later when you feel up to it.

Told her I would listen anytime. 


10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Milly

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #27 on: March 02, 2019, 07:13:24 AM »
Very interesting, Sam. Thanks for sharing this view from the other side. Do you know how present she is in her kids' lives?
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #28 on: March 02, 2019, 08:05:49 AM »
I do not know that yet.  The teenager...I am sure that is hit and miss as normal teens.  Pre-teen...no idea.  The older one doesn't live in the house but has a brand new grand baby she is proud of.  She said she encourages all the kids to stay in touch.  The H raised the oldest as his own and when the baby was born wanted H to still be pappy.  She encouraged it and said H will always be part of all their lives...even the stop son.

If I get any more info in the future...I'll share.  I was in awe after talking to her.  It really hit home how the MLCer functions now and no one really knows.  Also explains why others are so quick to grab hold of their stories as presented and believe them.  Her H was all in the wrong...no spart in marriage...never was.   Hmmmm.   Had I not been on the receiving end of MLC as and LBS, I would have fell hook line and sinker for her story.
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.19 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Anjae

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #29 on: March 02, 2019, 12:44:14 PM »
Her husband is a very nice man. Gave her space, didn't made a fuss about the divorce, remains friends with her and invites her out to dinner.

She hope he learned a lesson? What lesson? She is the one who says the marriage was not happy for years and there was no spark.

Of course for now she is glowing. She feels like a teenager and all is new.

The dead/shark eyes don't show at first. Mr J had is normal eyes until the second half of 2009.

Mr J has been very good at dealing with costumers for over a decade as well as with club owners - he books his dj sets. He is in MLC.

Our ground floor neighbour is having some sort of crisis. She is late 40's, two children, married for a long time. She can be seen skeaning out at 11 pm or later, all dressed up. Her husband says she returs very, very late. She asked for divorce and wanted to move out. That was last Summer. She is still home.

She had a serious stroke and an aneurysm when she was 40 or so. She had been very ill and there are some 18 months of her life she does not remember. She should be retired by doctors orders and should not be leading a crazy, sleepless, frantic life. But there she is, behaving life a teen and feeling like one. Last Summer she told me she was tired of her husband and needed freedom and now was feeling like when she was young.

When I was going out and about during my MLC, that come with BD, I was not feeling like I was a teen. As a teen, I didn't go out and about. I was just feeling tons of things I wasn't used to. It was great fun, but it is not something I want to go back to.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

 

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