Author Topic: My Story Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence  (Read 2157 times)

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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My Story Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #70 on: June 03, 2019, 09:03:42 AM »
Rose  - He house watched and watched the dogs both.  Didn't touch the blinds.  All is good.  I'll take them down and outside some sunny Saturday to clean them with the hose. 

He left July 14th of last year.  Coming up on a year soon.  Hard to believe.  Yes it is cray cray for sure.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Updates:

I come to realize in the last few days just how much I have changed in the last 18 plus months.

I went on vacation last week.  Flew by myself to Arizona.  There was a time when this would have caused angst and anxiety.  Not now.  I just enjoyed.

I was a lister....anytime I was doing something...I would start months in advance planning and writing out and reviewing and revising lists to make sure everything was perfect and nothing forgotten.  Guess what....no lists this time.  NONE!  Only a few in my mind like don't forget meds and power cords over and over since they were part of the last things packed.   

While traveling, I would never have dared to talk to strangers.  This time I was stuck to due delays.  I talked to strangers near me.  On the flight, I talked to the sweet ladies beside me vs putting in my earbuds and ignoring the world.

While visiting my son, I wanted to hang out at the pool and he didn't.  So I went down on my own.  There was a time when I never would have gone there on my own.  I was too insecure.  My brain would have been reeling...who is watching me?  Do I look too bad in this suit?  Are those people over things talking about me?  Laughing at me?  Ignoring me because I am too fat and ugly and I don't fit in?    I hate to admit it but this was the crap in my head....I was in sad shape with little confidence and a high amount of insecurity.

Now....I went...I enjoyed....I people watched....I didn't for me and not once did I wonder what those around me thought.  Didn't cross my mind.

My son was telling me about a possible career change.  There was a time when I would have been leary about this. I would have projected my fears about his life choices onto him.   I came right out and told him...it is your life.  I trust you to do what is best for you.  Just let me know if you need any thing  from me.  I actually saw him breathe a sigh of relief.


So, these are some of the blessings that I have gotten from MLC.  I truly have become the person I used to be before I lost it all.  Sadly, I don't know when I lost it.  It just crept up over years and years of self abuse.  I was my own worse enemy.  Never again.  I will always find the positive in others and now also myself.  I will accept errors and learn from them and not regret them.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Update on H:

He volunteered to house and dog sit and did so while I was on vacation.  When I got back:

1.  He completed the pool gate and was so happy about it. 
2.  He cleaned my fish tank.  This wasn't planned.  Made me happy!
3.  He disconnected my security system while he was staying at the house.
4.  He occassionally texted and snapped but heard very little from him.  However, the kids reported he was in touch with them a lot.
5.  He called and talked to me while I was driving home.
6.  He stayed over at the house Thursday night, even though he didn't need to.  I was home Thurs night and left again mid day Fri for round 2 of holiday time!
7.  Stayed up and talked to me some about the trip.
8.  Friday he stayed at the house and talked to me about an hour when no one else was there.  Talked about work and people he worked with and things he was doing.  Actually went into some detail about some things.  Hasn't done this for a long long time.
9.  He will occassionally call and talk now vs texting all the time.  Not long, not often but we talked more in the last month than we did the entire last year on the phone.
10.  He apologized for not getting more done.  Said he was happy with what he did get done but he set his goals to high.
11.  There is still more stuff to do at the house and he plans on coming over to do it.
12.  He talks in weird circles - will say something about me getting things done such as mowing...telling me how and when to do it.  Then circles back around and says he will be over to take care of it.
13.  Refers to "the house" and occassionally calls it "home".  Ex:  I'll go to the the house to let the dogs out.  Then says another time, I'll be at home mowing so I'll let the dogs out.
14.  His cycle of visiting the grandkids weekly seems to be coming to an end.  It was a longer cycle back to them this time.
15.  When I returned home, he was telling me how to take care of some things at the house.  Hmmm  He doesn't know I already do these things.  I just smile and nod.  Not worth getting into a pissing contest about.
16.  H used to make contact then go weeks with no contact....now it is down to days in between.
17.  My gut tells me there are still ow's involved. To what extent, I don't know.  I know when he would have been visiting with OW's, he was taking time to visit kids or hanging at the house.  I can only hope and pray it is the beginning of the break down.  Time will tell and I have learned not to concentrate on it but on other things.


So...I see he is making changes but I still don't see changes if that makes sense.  Convos are still about him.  Only on occassion does he ask about others....not just me...but kids parents etc.  He wants to talk about his job, his work, his co workers his parents, his mowing yet there is still an air of secrecy.  Doesn't volunteer what he does outside of generalitites.  Doesn't fill in all the blanks on things he does.  There are still things he doesn't bring up.  He is guarded I guess I would say.  Yet I am too.  I don't volunteer info.  He can ask...I will answer but I don't volunteer.

He is getting really tight financially.  Spending less money.  Shopping for best buys.  In a way, he is becoming his father.  Mannerisms and spending habits.  This is something he always said he never wanted to be.  He didn't want to be like his dad.  Guess what........

He has cut back on his drinking, yet when he drinks.....he drinks.  Not a beer or two...hard stuff.  He drinks to "feel good".

He is kind and curteous to my face, yet I feel it is fake sometimes.  I feel that he just wants to go off but he holds it back.  This is my gut...I have nothing to base this on.  Just a feeling a get.  Then other times, he comes off as very sincere and wants to be helpful and wants me to know things.  I would go as far as saying that there are times when he seems two faced.   Nice to me but goes to the next lunch table and bashes me to the other kids.   Just really weird.  Anybody else get this?  I guess I would have to guess this is due to living in two worlds right now.  He is visiting mine yet still has the OW in the other world and he is trying to find a balance.  For the longest time, he didn't come into my world.   Now he is a little but mostly living in the neutral zone with his sister.

 Just a strange weirdness that I sense from him.  I can't really describe it.  Weird.  My daughter uses the same adjective to describe him after some of her interactions with him.  She says he is either normal or weird in a way she can't put her finger on.


So, I am at a point where I have given up on any and all expectations.  Even when he says he will do something, I don't consider it done until it is done.   I can sit back and observe him when he is in proximity and make note of things, but there is not emotion there.  There is still hope that he is progressing and hope that this will end someday...hopefully sooner than later.  I can really look to the future and see brightness for me.  I see friends and activities and me getting involved within the community more and more.  There is a part of me that feels bad for H and wish he has not made the choices he made.  I feel bad that he has to deal with the guilt and shame about his choices and hope and pray that he can put some of this behind him one day.

My biggest fears are not for me.  They are for him.  His regrets and his loses and his shame to deal with.  He really was a good man and I hope he can find the good man again in him again.  The man he is now...is pretending to be good.  There is something almost detestable about him right now.  Not evil but not a good side of him right now that seems to be bubbling right below the surface.  Like he is fighting to keep this "'bad side" from emerging, yet the presense of it is lurking in the shadows just waiting for an opportunity to come out and do more damage.


Enough of him.  All is good in my MLC world.  Can it be better...always...but that is up to me to improve upon.  Me and no one else! 

Take care all!



2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents/OW Out of State 
11.1.18  Moved somewhere  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Nov 19 - OW moved back.  Living w/her D
Nov 19 - H started visiting on holidays
Jan 2019 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #71 on: June 04, 2019, 09:35:46 AM »
So things keep getting stranger and stranger!

Last night I get a call from H.  He talked to me for 1hr and 30 mins while he was working.  I have to assume there was no one else to talk too.  Most everyone was probably asleep.  I was the one that was still up.

He called on the pretense of talking about the pool and some things he did to the pool during the day yesterday. Then he just kept going on like the energizer bunnie.  Just talking.

Asked me why my car was in the shop.
Told me to not worry about the dogs, he and his sister would make sure they were out any day I needed help.
Talked about work.
Dropped a hint that he was working....I took the bait because he doesn't normally work on a Monday.  I stated that is odd you are working on a Monday.
H informed me he asked off for this Saturday so he could go to a friends party.  This could be true...I don't know.  This is the same friend whose name he dropped anytime he lied to me in the past.
H informed me that he can't go and see the grandkids tomorrow because same friend is also having a party at 5 pm tonight.  Funny thing that friend is having a party Tues and Sat this week.  Also the party is starting at the same time that OW1 gets off work.  The same time he would always go off radar in the past when he was "unable" to visit the grandkids.  I am just shaking my head and smiling and would love to reach through the phone and slap him, but I bit my tongue and just let him keep talking.
Told me about grass jobs he has.
Told me about how he got his sister some statues.
Told me about how his mower is down until next week and he is "borrowing" mine.  He did ask to use it last week and I gave him permission.
He talked a lot about nothing but these are the highlights.
Volunteered his truck to me so I can move some stuff for my parents.

I was floored that he called to talk for starters. 
I was floored that he talked as long as he did.
I was disappointed that he is regressing back to lying.  He has not used this excuse of being with friend J  since June of last year...now it seems that he is regressing back to lying while at the same time telling me other things.  Sad....very sad.

So many questions that I know there are not answers to.  Why call?  Why take care of the dogs?  Why do work at the house?  Why is there still ows?  When will you deal with your crap and come out of this? 

I am far enough along to know not to waste my time with these questions....yet they are still there.  H's actions are puzzeling. 
He acts so stinking normal for a few mins.  Then he doesn't.
Then he acts distant.  Then he acts like we are besties.
Then there seems to be a simmering anger under the surface.  Then he is nice and friendly.
Then there is a bit of normal.  Then he acts like his Dad. 
Then he acts childish.  Then he is seeking responsibility.
Then he is telling me about himself.  Then he is secretive. 
He is honest then he is lying.
He tells me about the his "new" work friends.  He then bashes some of these people.
He tells me he is avoiding drinking.  Then I hear when he drinks he hits hard stuff to "feel good".
He regularly visits the family.  He suddenly stops.

Poor guy!

There was a time when this would have sent me reeling.  OMG...he is coming back.  OMG...he hates me again.  OMG...there is still an OW and he LUVS her.  Yeah.....I was there at one time.

Now....I smile....I shake my head.  I make note for purposes of looking back.  I move along my way and prepare for the next round.  I prepare by letting it all go and not hanging hopes on his shennanigans.  I recognize that he is gonna do this again and again and again and right now it means nothing.  If I try to find something in it, I am only setting myself up for a let down.

So...smile and move along!  He contact is more frequent but there is no substance to it.  Not to mention that the convos are all about him and his life.  Don't dare try to talk about me or things I am doing for the family.  It's all about talking about H and whatever it is he wants to talk about.

To be quite honest, I feel as if we have circled back to the first few months after BD.  Those days where he would call when no one else was available and talk for extended periods of time but only talk about his interests.  He was clearly living in two worlds then.  Visiting me behind the back of the OW.  Calling when alone.  Or leaving the house to call or text me when OW was around.  He would go on so many coffee runs.  That was his way of getting away to reach out to me.

Now it seems that the calls lately have been when no one else was available.  He is no longer living with the OW but she is still there.  She is also starting to reference him on social media.  She didn't do this until the last few weeks.  Now she is suddenly commenting on his posts or tagging him.   I don't follow this.  People are telling me.  I can't care about it.  I have to trust that there are issues there.  I don't get to see them.  I have to trust the process that cracks are developing.  I base this on:
1.  He is no longer living with her.  If he were in LUV, don't you think he would find a way to live with her?
2.  He takes some time that used to be spent with her and devotes some to the family and less to her.
3.  He has more frequent contact with me and family.  For a period of time, we didn't exist.
4.  He is trying to be more helpful to family.
5.  He is volunteering to help with dogs and house and is thanking me for letting him do some of these things.
6.  He is the one reaching out when we go a day or two without communication.  Usually about something irrelevant. 

All this being said, I know that in 2 mins he can hate me again and not communicate for months and months and months again.   Oh well,  his loss!

2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents/OW Out of State 
11.1.18  Moved somewhere  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Nov 19 - OW moved back.  Living w/her D
Nov 19 - H started visiting on holidays
Jan 2019 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #72 on: June 05, 2019, 02:35:44 AM »
Not sure WHICH one is more representative of h...

or
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #73 on: June 07, 2019, 07:26:10 AM »
UM:  Ha ha!  He fits both of those!  He is going in circles for sure!

This week has been more of the weird contact situations.

Each day this week he has managed to either call or stop by for some reason.  Far cry from July to Oct of 18 when he ignored me with the exception of 2 phone calls, a few brief encounters and a few texts.


From Oct 18 to May of 19, communication was primarily snaps, texts, igs on a hit and miss basis and visits for holidays and special occassions but only when the "crew" was already at the house.

He has managed to stop by the house almost every day when no on is there for about the last 2 ot 3 weeks and do something.


Things he is done that has no relevance:

Wed:  Called to tell me my stone pavers are looking nice. There was no reason for the call.   Stopped by the house later in the day to swap vehicles since he is leaving one at the house right now.
Thur:  Called to talk to me about direct TV problems with my parents and then to  tell me he was stopping by at 930 at night to swap out vehicles again due to getting a job where he needed his truck and mower and trailer.  Keep in mind, he didn't have to do this that night.  It could have been done early the next day as I am an early riser.    Told me he planned on being off work by then and that he had to be to work by 1 and had only an hour to get ready for work.   He said he was worried about waking me coming by that late.  Told him no worries...I wouldn't be home by then anyhow.  I heard the startle in his reactions then he put 2 and 2 together and said...Oh...are you going with D to the concert tonight.  Yes I am I told him.  HA HA.  His favorites artists and I get to see them because he didn't want to go with D to see them.  His loss!  My gain!

I noticed he is starting to share bits and pieces of his work schedule more.  I won't ask when he drops hints....sometimes he shares more and sometimes less.

What does all this mean?   Means he is more and more confused.  I am just letting him at this time.  As I stated before, he is cycling in but there is an underlying negativity that i sense.  Almost like a rip current under a beautifully flowing river.  Nice and serene on top, but the water is flowing through a channel underneath at a fast and dangerous level that can suck you under quickly if one is not careful.   Is it him or me having my guard up.  Probably a little of both.  I won't open myself up yet because I am not seeing any substantial improvement.  I see him trying but yet not really trying.  Everything is superficial.  Make sense?   

This is what I am sensing so for me...it is still best to take the position of stand back and observe but don't participate in his shennigans. 

Wishing all of you a wonderful weekend.  Mine is crazy busy and loving it!  Have a fundraising event going on for a group near and dear to me. 

2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents/OW Out of State 
11.1.18  Moved somewhere  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Nov 19 - OW moved back.  Living w/her D
Nov 19 - H started visiting on holidays
Jan 2019 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #74 on: June 10, 2019, 11:55:31 AM »
Go figure....I put it out there that his communication is up and POOF....it goes away.  Ha Ha!  Tis MLC!

So Wed he stopped by with cousin.  Thur to Saturday....nothing.  He even ignored calls from GS and didn't bother to call him back.

Sunday....He's back!   Why the down?  Who knows but I know 100% certain that Saturday when he went off grid the OW was with him.  There is FB pics to prove it which is funny because he is trying to avoid FB even to the point of closing it down and it was his own sister who took the pics and posted them.   It hurt a tad as this is the first public pics that have surfaced.  Yet, when I really looked at the pics and had a third unbiased person give me an opinion....if you didn't know they were a couple, you wouldn't even know they were there together.  Not standing close or being loving in any manner.  Not a large group of people at this gathering and the ones that were there were a motley crew.  Many of the ladies were dressed in a "trashy" manner.  Like tank tops and no bra type of dress.  Don't want to bash....just painting picture that the dress code not even to par with the People of Wal-Mart dress code.  Enough from me on this.

So he took her to a public event on Saturday...avoided family Saturday. 

Sunday I get a call from my Dad who is dropping off equipment for H and dad volunteered to do some of the work if I knew what needed done.  I dropped H a text and told him to call my Dad to discuss with him.  He calls me.  Tells me what he wants done.  He didn't call my Dad.

Later my dad did a boo boo and since it affected H...I sent him a text letting me know.

Later in the evening we talked about it....then talked about other things and spent near an hour on the phone.

Things he said during the convo:

-Talked about some financial goals he has.
-Talked about the party he went to and who he say there and who asked about me.  Of course I wondered if OW was there to hear that convo...his friends asking about me! LOL
-Told me now to worry about the issue that occurred and said "we will get through this"
-Told me that he considered selling his mc but then decided not to since it is the only things that brings him joy in his life and it is theurapudic to him.  very sad statement.
-Told me that he is not gonna take on any more lawn jobs once the ones he has are done.  Said he is just tired of always being on the run.  He drives 8 to 13 hours a day when he works and on his off days he just runs around and he is tired of running and rushing to get things done. 
-Told me that yesterday morning he didn't do anything.  Up until it was time to go to work, he just sat around and did nothing.  Saturday he got up, did a bike run that he committed to back in March and then went to a party.  He was just on the run all day long.
-He was in a mode where one time he said it was ours...another it was mine or his.  One time it was we then it was you gotta do this.  Really weird bouncing.

Finally we were done and I said to him...sounds like you have been doing a lot of thinking.  He said...Yeah!  I said it is ok and you will figure it out.  Whatever you decided, I am here to support you.   Another yeah from him and then he suddenly had to go and that was the end of things.

First time since he left in July of 18 that he actually said some insightful things to me.  Biggest thing that hit me is that his bike brings him his only joy.  Not the OW.  (Silent O Heck Yeah)  Now the Grandkids...really sad moment.  I knew I am not the bearer of joy so that was not a disappointment there.  Just sad that he can't find any joy in his life and his mc when he is riding alone is the only time. 

So...what does all this mean?   Nothing at all.  Absolutely nothing and I have to face that and not read anything into it.  I have read other stories here and I recognize that this could be IT...but chances are it is just part of the process and he is cycling hard in a mode.  I believe there are issues with the OW that come and go.  When she is fully engrossed in his life....his family can't be.  When she is not as important as aspect, then his family finally has a place in his life.  One or the other.  Hot and cold. 

I can be thankful that he does turn back to family when he turns away from OW but it is only a matter of time until he turns back.  He is making more calls and less texts which is more along his normal mode of operating....but he is no where close to being out of the woods.  He is just trudging along.

Progress?   Yes there is progress as described.  Not positive but the moving forward type of progress.  He is still not the man I knew.

He is still big into doing things around the house.  He was by today to work with SIL on the boo boo from my dad.  He fixed something else and made sure I was aware of it.  Then he came to the office and helped me to move things from one of the apartments and he took stuff to recycing for me. 

He is really big into doing things and I don't want him to feel obligated to do anything.  If he wants to do something , I won't stop him but I don't want him doing out of guilt or any other reason. He just seems drawn to the house. Stopping by on a semi regular basis and doing things.  When he can't get by, he tells me about that things that need done.   I try to avoid the things he talks to me about.  I feel there is a fine line between being asked to help and being told these are the things you should do.  I let those things and do the things that I want to do.  If he doesn't come back, I'll get those things done eventually.

As for me....I am doing me and doing it well.  Busy but happy.  Having some minor health issues but working on them and just doing the best I can! 

2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents/OW Out of State 
11.1.18  Moved somewhere  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Nov 19 - OW moved back.  Living w/her D
Nov 19 - H started visiting on holidays
Jan 2019 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #75 on: June 11, 2019, 01:30:24 PM »
H is still volunteering like mad to do things.  Yesterday he and SIL fixed my issue caused by my pops accidentally.  Came to my office and helped me move some stuff that I asked SIL for help with.  Both of them showed.

Last night when I was leaving pickleball, he started to walk out beside me then got called back by someone.  I then hear him calling down the hallway for me and he caught up and walked out.  Used his plans today with my Dad as his reason to talk to me.  He had pretty much ignored me all night long.

Standing outside talking he told me his one ailment was flaring up again.  I wanted to be snarky and say "You can't blame it on me this time.  I am not the one stressing you out!"  I didn't.  All he got  from me was....well that sucks.  In July he accused me of stresing him out which is why I was tempted to be snarky.  I just let it go. 

Today he helped my dad get somethings done he needed done.  Called me to see how my test went and when I would get results.  I was exhausted and he asked me what was wrong.  Told him...just tired today. Sadly these tests had me stressed but I didn't show it to him.  It is a long drive to get there and company would have been great had he offered.  He didn't.  He offered to pick me up if I was too sick to drive home.  I wasn't.   

He then informed me he was taking the kids out for supper. This makes me happy.  He skipped it for the last two weeks.  The grandkids need this time with him.  Better yet, when he chooses to visit them, it means at least 1 less hour with the ow. 

 He also had a lot more to do today and he would be letting one of his cars sit in my driveway for awhile.  I have heard this before.  It won't be there long.  He leaves it then comes and gets it almost asap.

So H stops by more, calls more and texts and snaps less right now.  He is still not showing much empathy, just seems like he is going through the motions.  By his own admission, not much in life is making him happy, yet he is still putting on a great show.  I get to witness some of it now.

My hopes right now are that he just keeps trudging forward.  I don't want him to get stuck....I fully support his healing processing and just hope it keeps going.


Update on ME!

Not too much going on other than the same old same old life I have carved out for myself.

Spending time with family and dogs.
Speding time working outside and enjoying the nice weather.
Reading and relaxing.
Pampering myself with massages, mani's and now I learned how nice pedi's can be.  I am hooked.
Planning some family events with the grandkids
Planning some events with friends.  Just small weekend getaways!

Basically, I am enjoying my life the best I can.  Do I miss H not being part of it.  Sure do.  Am I letting his absense stop me...NOPE!  Do I hope he is gonna come through this some day...Sure do!  Isn't that what most of us hope for?  An end to all of this someday?  I know I do!

I know I spend less time here and I try to catch up as much as I can.  Yet I am at a place where I am trying so hard to concentrate on positives.  My blessings continue to grow.

My biggest issue right now is still trust.  Everytime H tells me something, I have so much doubt.  I feel like he is occassionally trying to be more open and honest but I doubt.  I know I doubt because of lies in the past ,but I mostly doubt because I don't trust myself.  I don't trust that my BS meter is working as it should so instead of taking a leap of faith....I choose to question everything and doubt pretty much all.  This is not only with H....it goest to others also. 

Something for me to work on and hopefully I get control of it eventually! 




2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents/OW Out of State 
11.1.18  Moved somewhere  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Nov 19 - OW moved back.  Living w/her D
Nov 19 - H started visiting on holidays
Jan 2019 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #76 on: June 12, 2019, 02:54:29 PM »

Standing outside talking he told me his one ailment was flaring up again.  I wanted to be snarky and say "You can't blame it on me this time.  I am not the one stressing you out!"  I didn't.  All he got  from me was....well that sucks.  In July he accused me of stresing him out which is why I was tempted to be snarky.  I just let it go. 


Sam I’m loving the updates, been keeping up but not managing to comment. I think this quote is wise. I have also felt like this and acted as you did. You are strong, he is not so atm I think this is good if you can manage it. Who wants to be around snarky comments, there was enough around BD to last a lifetime.

Glad he’s progressing
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #77 on: June 13, 2019, 01:21:26 PM »
Rose - All is good!  Stalking is fine!  I do a lot of it too.  So many times till I get around to something, so many others have already commented that there is no reason to beat a dead horse.

Update of on H:  Appears he is gone back to his hole  Nothing yesterday except an anchor check at 9:30.  Nothing today.  I had to reach out to him due to issues with taxes.  I resolved it and just let him know the resolution.  Also his car disappeared from the house today.  Exactly what I suspected.

So, he is going back down the rabbit hole and I am letting him.  Sadly, I need this break too.  I need those days when he is not popping up to let me just be.....


So, I was asked why so much info on H and so little info on me.  A well intending fellow LBSer is concerned that I am focusing too much on the MLCer.   Thank you thank you thank you for your care and your concern.  I took to heart your concerns and here is my point of view.....


I do put a lot of info in here about H.  Why.....documentation.    In a way, all of this is an experiment.  When changes occur, I want to have them documented for looking back and comparing later.  I also have the info here to compare and contrast with other lbs situation both past present and future.

I am not blowing anyone off and I appreciate the concern that I am focusing too much on the wrong person.  I can assure you that I do have focus on me.  I observe and document on H.

Why is there not more on me?

Honestly....most of my journey is very personal.  I am looking inside at myself and trying to be honest with myself and make changes that benefit me and me alone.  Some things I can candidly share.  Others....I can't.  They are either too personal or too painful to deal with again.  Many things I don't address openly because I have already addressed them to my satisfaction.

For example:  I used to be my own worst enemy.  I never said anything nice to myself.  I would look in a mirror and criticize everything I saw.  Don't let me make a mistakes...I never let myself forget it.  I was horrible to me.  It brought me down.  It discouraged me.  I shattered my confidence.   I didn't worry about these things because I had an awesome man in my life that would love and support me and I could lean on.   Now that man is off in La La Land and I am left standing here alone. 

My chooses:  Wallow and stay where I was or make a difference.   I chose making a difference and it all started with me.

Where am I now.  I am in a good place.  I have dealth with many major issues and I did it mostly on my own.  I had support here.  I had a therapist that helped to get me started.  I read a lot of books.  Mostly I made up my mind to conquer whatever it was I needed to conquer. 

Is it easy?  Nope and it is a daily battle to not let myself go back to bad habits.  It believe it will be a long time battle as I continue to choose to make changes in me that benefit me.

Most of the major ones are done.  Now I am down to fine tuning.  Little things now and then as they pop up.

Overall, I am such a better person now compared to prior to BD.

There is just not much to talk about pertaining to me.  I have found a comfort level in activity and Galling and sometimes my galling is just cleaning the house because once it is done, I am happier.  You all don't need to hear about all that.

So why not more on me...I have reached the point of happiness in life no matter what.  It can be doing something or doing nothing...bottom line...it is my choice and I am happy and there is little to report on.

Thanks again for your worry and concerns.  I am not going down the rabbit hole after H.  I am observing because he is right there in my face so many times that I can't avoid observing.  I didn't forget about me.  I am taking care of me....I am just more settled and boring now! 
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents/OW Out of State 
11.1.18  Moved somewhere  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Nov 19 - OW moved back.  Living w/her D
Nov 19 - H started visiting on holidays
Jan 2019 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #78 on: June 14, 2019, 03:19:57 PM »
Sam

I hadn't realised you were asked why so little about you. We are reading along wondering if your spouse is behaving anything like our own so I am always very keen to hear about your H. I do the same on my thread. To me it seems that your growth and healing shines through in your writing. You do seem to care about you and we all do too!

Are you still running?
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Sam I AmTopic starter

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  • https://affaircare.com/the-180
Re: Flying Solo - Trying to Avoid Turbulence
« Reply #79 on: June 14, 2019, 07:23:58 PM »
Rose...all good. It was all done out of concern. Actually not the first time it happened which is why I decided to address here and let all know where I think i stand on the subject of focus.

Maybe I am right on. Maybe I am way off and the opinions of others i take under consideration.  I try to take concerns if others to see what truths may or may not he there. I trust every here to give constructive feedback.

And yes...like you and others.  The observations may help someone else someday. The journey of an mlcer can have so many similarities. Yes so many differences it is mind boggling

This forum had made me feel less alone. I hope my ramblings will aid others someday too.

Running....sadly no.  I boogered up my knee last year and it wont fully heal. Surgery would help but I am not ready for that yet. I can walk and swim and I recently tool up pickle ball. I also just tried a rock climbing wall so I am thinking of joining the lical indoor rock wall gym in order to do something different .

So back to h.  Mine comes arounds. Does things at the house. Disappears again but is no sooner out of sight when he pops back up again.

I see this as progression since it is yet another change along the way. Despite him being nicey nice I still sense something off. Something under the surface with him. Something I cant put my finger on.

Do you ever feel this with your h?   Sometimes it seems like anger. Sometimes disgust. Sometimes i feel like her tolerates me being in the same room and sometimes he seems sincere

I often times wonder if this is a real sense or just a perceived sense????  Crazy mlc 

Take care and have a great weekend

To all the dads on here. Happy fathers day. To all the moms filling both rolls. Happy fathers day to you too.  As hard ad it is. Keep doing what is best for those kids!
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents/OW Out of State 
11.1.18  Moved somewhere  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Nov 19 - OW moved back.  Living w/her D
Nov 19 - H started visiting on holidays
Jan 2019 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs

 

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