[nah]

T, you were writing the same time I was writing and yes, those 15 words would be all I need.

[Milly]

Me, too.

[sparklestar]

Yes Treasur, that would be a start! I’d quite like an additional ‘I regret the choice I made’ on that sentence though 

It’s exactly like being widowed, you move on but doesn’t change the sadness or hurt. In many ways being widowed would have been easier at least you wouldn’t have the confusion and as Nah quite rightly put it the shock of being ‘ghosted’ I mean that in itself is just so far from normal. Ghosting a long standing partner - just crazy. To this day I still wonder how people around him though shocked just seemed to accept is as ok... I think I might have asked this before but the ‘abandoned wife syndrome’ that there is books and a whole website on are the abandoners just vanishing MLCrs?

[Tyks]

For me, I got the words he regretted how it ended but he would not change the outcome. No appology or acknowledgment will ever come from my vanisher. He needed a change ( his words) and he got it. Therefore closure is up to me and you're right, nah, we were completely ghosted

[CallingHeart]

For me, fellow clannishers, those 15 words are still just not quite enough for closure.  As we’ve often heard and said, don’t believe what they say and only a small fragment of what they do. The whole “actions speak louder than words” adage comes into play.

I’d like to experience from him the level of remorse that matches the level of shock, sadness, grief, shame, and emotional devastation that I went through at the time of his betrayal. Those 15 words said (in person) by a man crying relentlessly and snot mixed with his tears excreting from the orifices of his grief-stricken face, with loud gasping hiccups between each word coupled with a smattering of begging, repeating the word “please” at least 25 times in desperation for a response from me.

I haven’t really thought about it much, though 

[Still Half full]

Treasur

Do you know I wonder if the core of what we yearn to hear is as simple as 'you truly mattered to me and I am so sorry that I hurt you'. Just that. Less than 15 words.

I’ve heard this, so I think I’m one of the lucky ones, it does help me not to question if what we had was real, but it makes me really frustrated and sad. He admits what we had was special but he’s just too weak to do anything about it

I agree with what many of you have said, I don’t think he’ll ever be strong enough to do anything about it, he’s so ashamed of what he’s done, I think he feels like he’s getting what he deserves.  Even though I don’t want him skipping happily through life with ow, it makes me sad to think that he’s so broken and there doesn’t seem to be any ‘winners’ in this

Vanishes are a different kind of difficult, but I think all MLCers only seem to be able to cause hurt and confusion, whatever their style, but not having any communication with someone you’ve shared a huge part of your life with is so hard

[Straightedg4lif]

I currently have a vanisher. I am 15 months into his MLC and the last 3 months he has been a complete vanisher. No contact in any way and I have no idea where he lives or his phone number. I know 3 months of a vanisher is not long at all but definitely doesn't make it hurt any less. It's sad to think that someone you were with for so long could just up and disappear and not seem to care at all. I am currently still standing since 15 months is nothing in MLC world.

Little background: Married 16 years together 18. BD June 2018, I moved out December 2018, he became a vanisher June 2019.

[nah]

I’m so sorry S.

If it makes you feel any better, yes 3 months is not a long time. I’m sure 3 months feels like an eternity but time will make that better too. Ugh... sorry, I know the “time” word sucks right now.

I think for right now you are doing the right thing. No big decisions, just take care of yourself and protect your finances.

Btw... it’s been over six years for me. We will have long periods of no contact and then Poof... somehow there’s always some kind of contact and we are BOTH remarried. 

[Treasur]

I'm sorry too,s
Yes as we know here, it is a surreal feeling to have a vanisher after so many years together.
The only benefit is that we do not get quite so much crazy in our face but of course we also are left with a noisy silence. Which we tend to fill with unanswerable questions.
But please remind yourself often that this is not how normal healthy adults behave and you did nothing to cause it.

As Nah says protect the finances and look after yourself the best you can. Let yourself grieve and let life carry you forward slowly too. If you are still married, you will probably hear from him in some fashion but they can disappear for several months at a time before randomly popping up. But I am very sorry you find yourself here and consider starting your own story thread if you think we can support you by knowing a bit more about you and your situation.

[Straightedg4lif]

Thanks Treasur and nah for your kind words. I've read everything there is to read on MLC and also started a Facebook support group to help others going through this hard time. There are so many people dealing with a spouse in MLC and there even a few who are having a crisis in the group and it is sad to hear how confused and lost they are.

I appreciate the advice about the finances. Luckily we have always had separate finances so no problem there. I am just taking it a day at a time and the pain has eased somewhat with time and space.